The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 34 - The French, They Are a Funny Race - full transcript

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪



♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ DOBIE! ♪

- MY FRIEND, MAYNARD G. KREBS,

IS A TRULY BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING

ON THE INSIDE I MEAN.

NOW, ON THE OUTSIDE, WELL...

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
EVERYBODY'S WATCHING YOU.

CHATSWORTH, IN A WESTERN
YOU'D ROOT FOR THE ENEMY.

DIZZY GILLESPIE!

- WHERE?

- AH, SLEEPING
BEAUTY HAS RETURNED

TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING.

- LIKE, HI, WHERE'S
EVERYBODY BEEN?



- EVER SINCE I HAVE BEEN A
TEACHER LO THESE MANY YEARS,

I'VE LEARNED TO EXPECT A CERTAIN
DEFICIENCY OF COMMUNICATION

BETWEEN PUPIL AND INSTRUCTOR.

I HAVE EXPERIENCED THIS
UNHAPPY STATE OF AFFAIRS

IN VARYING DEGREES,

SOMETIMES SMALL,
OFTEN CONSIDERABLE.

BUT NEVER, MR. KREBS,

NEVER UNTIL YOU
REGISTERED IN THIS CLASS

HAS THIS LACK OF COMMUNICATION
REACHED ABSOLUTE PERFECTION,

AND FOR THIS, I OWE YOU THANKS.

- OH, IT WAS, LIKE, NOTHING.

- I KNOW BUT THANKS ANYWAY.

- FOR THE BLEAK PRESENT

SHALL WE ALL TURN
TO PAGE 281 OF THE...

[ BELL RINGS ]

[ SLAMS BOOK ]

- SINCE I AM TOO YOUNG TO RETIRE

AND THANKS TO YOU NOW
TOO SHAKY TO BE DRAFTED,

I SHALL SEE YOU ALL
TOMORROW AT THIS SAME TIME.

ON YOUR MARK,
GET SET, DIS-MISSED.

OH, MR. OSBORNE.
- YES?

- I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU
ON YOUR EXCELLENT TERM PAPER.

- YES, IT WAS RATHER
SMASHING, WASN'T IT?

- ESPECIALLY THE SUBJECT MATTER.

THE CARE AND PRESERVATION
OF FAMILY FORTUNES

ACCRUED BEFORE THE
OUTRAGEOUS TAX BOOST OF 1889.

- FASCINATING ISN'T IT?

- THAT'S THE WORD, FASCINATING.

- YOU KNOW, TAXATION
OF THE ARISTOCRACY

IS THE BUGABOO OF
MY SOCIAL CIRCLE.

- IN THE SQUARE CIRCLE.
- YEAH.

- MR. MILLFLOSS,

I KNOW WE HAVE ENTERED
THE ERA OF THE COMMON MAN

BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

- PLEASE, I HAVE ENOUGH FIGHTING
WHEN MY WIFE STARTS IN ON ME

FOR NOT GOING INTO
AIR CONDITIONING.

- MR. MILLFLOSS, I
MUST INFORM YOU

THAT I SHALL NOT BE
ATTENDING CLASS NEXT WEEK.

I SHALL BE IN BERMUDA.

- IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEMESTER?

- OF COURSE, IT'S THE
YACHT RACING SEASON.

- OH, FORGIVE ME.

I HAVEN'T RACED A YACHT
IN, OH, IT MUST BE DAYS.

- DAYS, YOU SEE,

IN THE INTERSCHOLASTIC
BLUE WATER TROPHY...

- THE INTERSCHOLASTIC
BLUE WATER TROPHY

- BLUE WATER TROPHY SAIL, YES,

OUR SCHOOL COLORS WILL FLY

FROM THE MAST OF MY
SPEEDY 51 FOOT SLOOP

AND I SHALL STRIVE MY UTMOST
FOR GOOD OLD CENTRAL HIGH.

SHIP AHOY, MATEYS.

- CREEP.
- THE CREEPIEST.

I MEAN, A BOY LIKE
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

IS BOUND TO BE DIFFERENT.

- YEAH.

- REMEMBER HE WAS BORN WITH
A SILVER SPOON IN HIS MOUTH.

- OH, NO WONDER HE
TALKS, LIKE, FUNNY.

- PLEASE, MAYNARD,

THE TEACHER'S UNION
SAYS THAT DURING RECESS

I AM ENTITLED TO EIGHT
CAREFREE RELAXED MINUTES

DURING WHICH I AM TO
THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS.

- YEAH, WELL, WE'RE SORRY
TO BOTHER YOU, MR. MILLFLOSS,

BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT.

MAYNARD HAS A PROBLEM.

- NOW, HOW CAN I
HELP YOU, MAYNARD?

- COME ON, DOB, WE GOT
TO, LIKE, MAKE TRACKS.

NO, MAYNARD, NO, NO,
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM IT.

- I'M NOT TRYING TO
RUN AWAY FROM IT.

I JUST WISH IT WOULD
RUN AWAY FROM ME.

- MAYNARD!
- NOW, THIS SOUNDS SERIOUS.

- IT IS, MR. MILLFLOSS,

IT'S A QUESTION OF
MAYNARD'S WHOLE FUTURE.

- NOW, THAT'S A
QUESTION IN ITSELF.

- WHAT'S TO BECOME OF HIM?

- YOU MEAN WITHER
IS HE DRIFTING?

- YEAH.
- YEAH, LIKE, WITHER.

- I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND.

THIS HAS BEEN MAYNARD'S PROBLEM
FOR HOW OLD ARE YOU, MAYNARD?

- LIKE, 18.

- WITHER IS HE DRIFTING

HAS BEEN MAYNARD'S
PROBLEM FOR 18 YEARS.

WHY THE SUDDEN PANIC?

- WELL, YESTERDAY WHEN
HE GOT A MINUS TWO ON HIS

- MINUS TWO?

- YEAH, YEAH, ON
HIS HISTORY EXAM

WE DECIDED IT WAS
TIME FOR ACTION.

- YEAH, I, LIKE, ANSWERED
TWO QUESTIONS WRONG

THE TEACHER DIDN'T EVEN ASK.

- WITHER AM I DRIFTING?
- MAYNARD!

MR. MILLFLOSS,
YOU'RE A NICE MAN.

- THANK YOU.
- AND SMART, TOO.

- THANK YOU.
- FOR A TEACHER.

- I MEAN, SOMEBODY
HAS TO SAVE MAYNARD

AND WE PICKED YOU.

- WELL, THOSE ARE THE BREAKS.

- LOOK, MR. MILLFLOSS,
MAYNARD ISN'T HOPELESS.

HE HAS A FRIENDLY PERSONALITY.
- TRUE.

- AND AN UPRIGHT
MORAL CHARACTER.

AND A GOOD HEAD
ON HIS SHOULDERS.

- NO KIDDING, MR. MILLFLOSS,

MAYNARD WOULD REALLY
AMOUNT TO SOMETHING

IF WE COULD EVER GET HIM
MOVING IN HE RIGHT DIRECTION

BUT HE KEEPS GOING
AROUND IN CIRCLES.

- YEAH, I'M, LIKE, DIZZY.

- MAYNARD, YOUR
PROBLEM IS NOT UNIQUE.

MANY YOUNG MEN THESE DAYS
FIND THEMSELVES IN YOUR SHOES.

- YEAH, HEY.

- IN THE SAME SITUATION.
THEY LACK A GOAL IN LIFE.

- MAYNARD, WHAT
MR. MILLFLOSS MEANS

IS DOES ANYBODY DEPEND ON YOU?

- I GOT, LIKE, FOUR GOLDFISH.

- DO PEOPLE DEPEND ON YOU?

- YEAH.
- DOBIE.

NO, I KIND OF, LIKE,
DEPEND ON HIM.

- ANYBODY ELSE?

- LIKE, NOBODY.

- YOU TAKE IT FROM ME, MAYNARD,

IF SOMEBODY DEPENDED
ON YOU, COUNTED ON YOU,

LOOKED UP TO YOU,
YOU'D SOON FIND

THAT YOUR LIFE WOULD TAKE
ON PURPOSE AND DIRECTION.

- I GOT TO GET SOME
MORE GOLDFISH.

- NO, WHAT YOU NEED IS A GIRL.
- A GIRL?

- YOU'RE A MAN AND IT
HAPPENS TO EVERYBODY.

- OH, NO, I'M SCARED
OF CHICKS, DOB.

- OH, NOW THAT'S SILLY.

- IN THE MOVIE THEY
EAT ALL MY POPCORN,

THEY RUN AHEAD OF
ME THROUGH DOORS

AND THEN THE GIRLS GYM
THEY GIGGLE ABOUT ME.

- DON'T YOU WORRY, MAYNARD,

SOME DAY YOU'LL FIND A
GIRL WHO REALLY NEEDS YOU

AND THEN YOU'LL FORGET ALL
ABOUT YOUR LITTLE PROBLEMS.

- WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND
A CHICK THAT, LIKE, NEEDS ME?

I MEAN, DON'T IT HAVE TO BE
SOMEBODY I'M BETTER THAN?

- WELL

- ALL RIGHT, SO MAYNARD NEEDS
SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS HIM, BUT WHO?

OR WHAT? AND WHY?

NO, IT'S A SAD BUT
TRUE QUESTION,

WHO NEEDS HIM?

- LIKE, WHO NEEDS ME?

- MAYNARD, STOP
RUNNING YOURSELF DOWN.

- NAME, LIKE, ONE
PERSON WHO NEEDS ME.

WELL?

- JUST A MINUTE, I'M THINKING.

SEE, I'M, LIKE, LOST, DOOMED.

YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT ME.

- YEAH, I'M, LIKE, LOST, DOOMED.

- THANKS A LOT.

- NO, NO, NO, BUDDY.

I JUST MEANT THAT
YOU DON'T NEED ME.

IF I WAS TO PLAY GOLF SOME PLACE

YOU'D KEEP SWINGING AND
NEVER EVEN KNOW I WAS GONE.

I'M, LIKE, LOST, DOOMED.

- MAYNARD, CUT THAT OUT.

OF COURSE I'D MISS
YOU IF YOU WENT AWAY.

I DEPEND ON YOU TO TALK TO AND

- TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU
MISS ME IF I WASN'T HERE, DOB?

- DADDY?

- MY NAME'S DOBIE GILLIS.

YOU'RE A VISION OF LOVELINESS.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- HUH?

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- AH, A GERMAN GIRL, HUH?

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- OH, I GOT IT.

YOU'RE FRENCH! MADEMOISELLE.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- NO, WAIT A MINUTE,
NO, SEE ME AMERICAN-O.

- WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

LOOKING, YOU KNOW?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

GO, GO.

CAN I HELP YOU JUST
SAY WHAT DID I SAY?

I'M ONLY TRYING TO TALK TO YOU.

YOU DON'T SPEAK VERY
GOOD ENGLISH, DO YOU?

- DOB, DOB,

QUIT YOUR YAMMERING
AT THE POOR CHICK.

HERE, HERE.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- IT'S OKAY, SURE. YOU'RE
GIVING HER THE WILLIES.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- ANYTIME.

- WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A
MINUTE, YOU SPEAK FRENCH?

- FRENCH? I DON'T
EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH.

- THEN HOW DO YOU
KNOW WHAT SHE'S SAYING?

- I DON'T KNOW, POP, IT'S
HOW I DIG WHAT SHE SAYS.

IT'S GOT A BEAT.
- OH, MAN.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT,
IMMIGRANT GIRL,

DOBIE DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE YOU?

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- OH, MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- I'LL DIG YOU
LATER, GOOD BUDDY,

YOU STICK WITH ME.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- HOW DO YOU FIGURE IT?

I MEAN, HERE WAS
THIS LOVELY CREATURE

WHO IS SO PARISIAN THAT
SHE MADE MAURICE CHEVALIER

LOOK LIKE HE CAME FROM CLEVELAND

AND SHE WAS TALKING
UP A STORM TO MAYNARD

WHO HAS TROUBLE READING A LABEL
ON A BOTTLE OF FRENCH DRESSING.

- I MEAN, IT WAS SPOOKY

BUT THEY SURE SEEMED
TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER

AND FOR A WHILE

IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT
EVER HAPPENED TO MAYNARD.

- CAN I HELP YOU MADEMOISELLE?

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- OH, WOULD YOU LIKE A SEAT?

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN.

- NEVER FEAR, MAYNARD'S HERE.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- YEAH, LIKEWISE.

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD,

STOP HOLDING OUT
ON ME. WHO IS SHE?

- HER HANDLE'S
FRANCOIS de CHADENEDES

AND HER PAD'S IN SOME PLACE
CALLED PARIS, IN FRANCE I THINK.

- SHE'S GOING TO GO TO SCHOOL
HERE FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS

WHILE HER FATHER FINISHES
UP SOME KIND OF BUSINESS.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S AMAZING.

- NOT BAD FOR A CAT THAT
FLUNKED FRENCH FOUR TIMES.

- YOU FLUNKED FRENCH FOUR TIMES?

- YEAH, BUT I CHEATED.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- COOL IT, FRANCOIS,
CHICK, I GOT YOU COVERED.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- WELL, GOOD MORNING, CLASS.

SHALL WE ALL TURN TO PAGE 281?

OH, A NEW COMER.

- MR. MILLFLOSS, SIR.

- PLEASE, MR. KREBS, I'LL
TALK TO THE YOUNG LADY.

HAVE YOU FILLED OUT YOUR
REGISTRATION PAPERS, MISS?

- MR. MILLFLOSS LIKE I SAID

- DOWN, BOY, DOWN.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

MADEMOISELLE, MR. KREBS?

- LIKE, YES, SIR?

- MAYBE I BETTER, LIKE,
LET YOU HANDLE THIS.

- LIKE, YES, SIR.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- THAT CREPE SUZETTE'S
TOO HOT FOR ME TO HANDLE.

- CHAIR.
- CHAIR?

- YEAH, SIT.

- SIT?

- PENCIL.
- PENCIL?

- YEAH, LIKE, PAPER.

- LIKE, PAPER?

- YEAH, MR. MILLFLOSS,
WE'RE, LIKE, READY.

- MAY BE A LONG
TIME BEFORE I AM.

- HE'S, LIKE, A TEACHER.
- TEACHER?

- MR. MILLFLOSS?

- YES, MR. GILLIS?

- THIS IS MAYNARD G. KREBS.

HE'S, LIKE, A FRIEND OF MINE.

- I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU BOTH.

- YUP, MAYNARD WAS ON CLOUDS
NINE THROUGH 109 INCLUSIVE.

HE'D FINALLY FOUND
SOMEBODY WHO NEEDED HIM

AND IT WAS TURNING
HIM INTO A MAN.

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

- THAT'S THE BEST
PART OF THE ICE CREAM.

[ SINGING IN FRENCH ]

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- NOW YOU DO THE ONE I
TAUGHT YOU IN ENGLISH.

- [ SCATTING ]

- YEAH, LIKE, COOL.

- WHAT MR. MILLFLOSS
SAID REALLY CAME TRUE.

NOW THAT MAYNARD HAD
SOMEBODY WHO NEEDED HIM

AND LOOKED UP TO HIM,

HE KNEW WITHER HE WAS DRIFTING.

RIGHT AWAY HIS GRADES
STARTED TO GET BETTER.

THEY WERE RAPIDLY
RISING TO A D AVERAGE

AND THEN DISASTER.

- HI-HO, GANG.

- HOME IS THE SAILOR
HOME FROM THE SEA.

HELLO, MR. MILLFLOSS.

- WELCOME HOME, MR. OSBORNE.

HOW DID YOU MAKE OUT
AT THE YACHT RACES?

- TWO FIRSTS AND A SECOND.
- OH, CONGRATULATIONS.

-HERE ARE SCHOOL COLORS.

THEY FLEW FROM THE
MAST OF MY SPEEDY

- FIFTY-ONE FOOT SLOOP.

- I WOULD'VE HAD A CLEAN SWEEP
EXCEPT FOR SOME BEASTLY TROUBLE

WITH A LIGHTENING
FOUR TOP JIB SAIL

- THOSE LIGHTENING
FOUR TOP JIB SAILS.

WILL GET YOU EVERY TIME.

- NOW, WELL, WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- HOIST YOUR BILGE PUMP
AND BEG OFF, CHATSWORTH.

SHE DON'T, LIKE, DIG YOUR LINGO.

- OR NOT YOUR LINGO
PERHAPS MAYNARD-FA,

BUT MUMSY AND I HAVE NOT
BEEN WINTERING IN THE RIVIERA

JUST FOR THE PATE DE
FOIS GRAS, YOU KNOW

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, FILS.

- LE FILS MEANS CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE THE SON

OR IN YOUR VERNACULAR JUNIOR.

- OH, WELL, SURE
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

- ME OUI.
- WE MAY!

[ BELL RINGS ]

- ALL RIGHT, MY
YOUNG MULTI-LINGUALS

CLASS DISMISSED.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- FRANCOIS! FRANCOIS!

- OH, NO, NO, MAYNARD.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- FRANCOIS?

- BEG OFF, GILLIS, BABY.
- MAYNARD?

- DOOMED, LOST.

- MAYNARD, STOP
DRAMATIZING. SHE'S ONLY A GIRL.

- ONLY A GIRL?

THE ONLY GIRL I EVER,
LIKE, LOOK ON LIKE A GIRL.

I'M LOST, DOOMED.

- THIS REALLY
HIT YOU, DIDN'T IT?

- RIGHT IN THE HEART.

- HERE, MAYNARD.

- IT'S OKAY.

MAYNARD, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA LOSE FRANCOIS.

- THAT CHATSWORTH OSBORNE BEAST.

- SHE WENT FOR YOU ONCE.

- YEAH, ONLY UNTIL
OH BEAST BARRELED IN.

BUT TO HIM SHE CAN, LIKE, TALK.

- YOU TALKED TO HER.

- NO, WE LIKE, DUG,
WE DIDN'T, LIKE, TALK.

- WELL, THAT PROVES YOU'RE
TWO HEARTS BEATING AS ONE.

MAYNARD, LOVE CAN
OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLE.

- NOT ALL THEM PARLEZ-VOUS
AND SILVER PLATES.

- YEAH, LEAP OVER
THE LANGUAGE BARRIER.

APPEAL TO HER AS A MAN.

- ME? DOB, YOU'VE
GOT TO BE JOSHING.

- NO, MAYNARD,

WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU
A COMPLETE OVERHAUL.

YOU'RE AS GOOD AS
CHATSWORTH ANY DAY.

FIRST, SOME NEW CLOTHES.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE?

- THIS MIGHT BE
TOUGHER THAN I THOUGHT.

- GOOD BUDDY,

WHY, LIKE, DO I HAVE TO SELL
MY PLATTERS AND HI-FI GEAR?

- YOU, LIKE, HAVE TO IF YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE ANY MONEY.

- BUT IT'S, LIKE, LOSING MY
RIGHT ARM OR MY BEARD.

- MAYNARD, NO MONEY, NO CLOTHES,

NO CLOTHES, NO FRANCOIS.

- NO ARGUMENT.
- NO.

- LIKE, HI, RIFF. YOU KNOW
MY GOOD BUDDY, DOBIE.

- HI RIFF.

- YEAH, I SAW HIM WALK
BY A DIZZY GILLESPIE ALBUM

WITHOUT BOWING.

- HEY, YOU GOT SOME LOOT

OR ARE YOU COMING IN
FOR SOME FREE SPINS?

- I CAME IN TO SELL
MY PLATTERS AND HI-FI.

- OH, POPS, YOU
BEEN, LIKE, DRAFTED?

- NO, IT'S, LIKE, A CHICK.
- THAT'S WORSE.

I TAKE YOU GOT TIPPED
AND TAPPED OUT, TRUE?

- SHE AIN'T EVEN BROKEN IN YET.

- WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF SHE
WAS A LAWRENCE WELK RECORD?

- DROP HER, YEAH.

- NOW, STAY OUT OF THIS, RIFF.

SHE'S MAYNARD'S GIRL.

- WOULD YOU TELL THIS
OBLONG TO WAIT IN THE BUS?

- THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT
THINGS IN LIFE THAN JAZZ.

- WELL, MAN, LIKE, AIN'T HE BEEN
REPORTED TO SOME COMMITTEE?

- DON'T BE ROUGH, RIFF,

HE AIN'T HAD OUR ADVANTAGES.

- MAYNARD, HURRY UP
AND SELL THIS STUFF.

THIS PLACE GIVES ME THE CREEPS.

- LIKE VICE AND LIVE VERSA.

- HOW MUCH YOU GONNA
THROW ME FOR THE WHOLE HEAP?

I GOT SOME SOUNDS IN THERE
THAT ARE SO PROGRESSIVE,

NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THEM

AND MAN, THAT PREAMP,
IT REALLY SHAKES.

- MAN, I'M GOING TO
DO YOU, LIKE, A FAVOR.

- YEAH, LIKE, HOW
MUCH? LIKE, NOTHING.

LIKE, NOTHING? - LIKE, ZERO.

- MAN, YOU'RE,
LIKE, PUTTING ME ON.

- NO, I'M, LIKE, DOING IT
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

YOU'RE GONNA TOSS
ALL THIS DOWN THE DRAIN

FOR, LIKE, A 5' 2" EYES OF BLUE?

- I'M, LIKE, APE OVER HERE.

- YOU'RE A SWINGING PROTEST CAT

AND I PROTEST THAT
YOU QUIT PROTESTING.

- I GOT TO QUIT.

- MAN, YOU'RE, LIKE, FLIPPING.

- STAY OUT OF THIS, RIFF.

YOU'RE RUNNING A RECORD
SHOP, NOT A LONELY HEARTS CLUB.

- WHY DON'T YOU GO FIND OUT

IF DR. SCHWEITZER
WILL MAKE A HOUSE CALL.

- THAT'S SILLY!

- OH, YOU'RE IN
TROUBLE, BROTHER.

HE'S AN ADVANCED CASE.

- LOOK, MAYNARD,
EITHER, SELL THE STUFF

OR LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- YEAH, BUY IT, DADDY-O.

I'D HATE TO SELL
IT TO A STRANGER.

YOU KNOW ONE OF THEM.

- I'M, LIKE, LOSING YOU, MAN.

- I'LL BE, LIKE, BACK.

- OH, THEY NEVER COME BACK.

LIKE, FAREWELL, MAYNARD.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

- I GOT FIVE FELONIOUS
MONK ALBUMS.

- FELONIOUS MONK?

THAT'S, LIKE, THE
KIDS SELLING LASSIE!

- MILES DAVIS, TWO CAL TJADER,

TWO ALMAD JAMAL.

- HOLD IT, HOLD
IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

WHAT'S THIS DOING IN THERE?

SAL MINEO RECITES
ALICE IN WONDERLAND?

- ONE OF MY MOTHER'S.

- YOUR MOTHERS?

- IT TOOK A LOT OF
WEEPING AND WAILING

BUT MAYNARD FINALLY
SOLD HIS RECORDS

AND GOT ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY
A NEW SPORT JACKET AND A SHIRT

BUT THAT WAS ONLY
THE PRELIMINARY.

THE MAIN EVENT WAS STILL TO COME

AND MAYNARD WAS GOING TO
GET HIT RIGHT WHERE IT HURTS.

- SHAVE OFF MY BEARD?

- YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT, MAYNARD.

SHOW FRANCOIS THAT YOU'VE
REALLY BECOME A GENTLEMAN.

- SHAVE OFF MY BEARD?

- IT'S A SYMBOL OF THE KIND
OF LIFE YOU'RE LEAVING BEHIND.

- SHAVE OFF MY BEARD?

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
FORGET ABOUT IT.

RUN AROUND FOR
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

LOOKING LIKE A - SLOB?

- I WAS GOING TO SAY
ECCENTRIC, HOWEVER...

- NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, DOBIE.

I'M A SLOB. I GOT TO DO IT.

- OH, YOU WON'T BE
SORRY, MAYNARD,

IT'LL CHANGE YOUR
WHOLE WAY OF LIVING.

THEY'LL CALL YOU
THAT CLEAR -EYED,

CLEAN-CUT, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- YEAH.

- YOU WON'T BE AN
OUTSIDE, YOU'LL BELONG.

- SHAVE OFF MY BEARD?

- SHAVE OFF HIS BEARD?

- OH, SURE, YEAH, BRING
HIM OVER IN A HALF HOUR.

OKAY.

MAYNARD KREBS,

THEY WANT ME TO
SHAVE OFF HIS BEARD.

- MAYNARD KREBS?

I GOT TO TELL MY KID.

THIS IS LIKE SEEING
HALEY'S COMET!

- NOW, RELAX, MAYNARD,
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.

- DOB, I'M SCARED.

- NOW, NOW, MR. SNEED IS A
VERY EXPERIENCED BARBER,

AREN'T YOU, MR. SNEED?

- WHY, IN 22 YEARS I
HAVEN'T LOST A PATIENT YET.

- YOU HEAR THAT,
MAYNARD? PRETTY FUNNY.

- GOOD BUDDY I WANT, LIKE, OUT.

- MAYNARD, THERE'S
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

I'LL BE RIGHT HERE NEXT TO YOU.

- PROMISE?
- I PROMISE.

- MAYNARD.

- MAYNARD, I'M RIGHT HERE.

- GEE, I FEEL LIKE
BENEDICT ARNOLD.

- IT'S FOR HIS OWN GOOD.
SHAVE HIM ALREADY.

- OH, HOT!

- THAT'S NOT BURNING HIM, IS IT?

- OH, NO, THANK
GOODNESS HE JUST FAINTED.

- NOW, FOR THE UNVEILING.

- DOB?
- YEAH?

- IS THAT ME?
- THAT'S YOU.

- OH, I'M, LIKE, BEAUTIFUL.

- LIKE, HI MR. MILLFLOSS.
- HI, LIKE, WHO?

- IT'S ME, MAYNARD.
- YOU'RE KIDDING?

- NO, SIR IT'S HIM ALL RIGHT.

- AH, MADEMOISELLE.

- MAYNARD!
[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- MAYNARD G. KREBS.

FOR YOU MON CHER FRANCOIS.

- KIND OF TOUGH TO
DO WITH SNEAKERS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I'LL PICK THEM UP
FOR YOU, FRANCOIS.

- HERE'S YOUR FLOWERS, FRANCOIS.

FRANCOIS?

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- SHE DON'T WANT MY FLOWERS.

I AIN'T GOT NO GIRL.

I AIN'T GOT NO BEARD.

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD, FRANCOIS!

MAYNARD! MAYNARD! MAYNARD!

CAN YOU GET ALONG WITH
OUT US, MR. MILLFLOSS?

- I'D CERTAINLY LIKE TO TRY.

- I'M, LIKE, LOST,
DOOMED, DOOMED, LOST.

- MAYNARD, WE'RE NOT
GOING THROUGH THAT AGAIN.

- SHE, LIKE, HATES ME.

SHE LOOKED RIGHT THROUGH
ME LIKE I WAS INDIVISIBLE.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S INVISIBLE.
- YEAH, INVISIBLE.

- I KNOW YOU'RE SUFFERING
BUT YOU JUST GOT TO BE BRAVE.

- HOW CAN I? I'M, LIKE, NAKED!

- MAYNARD, I'LL
MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

LET'S GO OVER TO THE
MALT SHOP. I'LL TREAT.

HOW ABOUT THE MOVIES?

THEY'RE SHOWING A
GREAT DOUBLE FEATURE,

"THE MONSTER THAT
DEVOURED CLEVELAND"

AND "THE SON OF THE MONSTER
THAT DEVOURED CLEVELAND".

- MAYNARD, REMEMBER, IT'S
BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST

THAN NEVER TO HAVE LOVED AT ALL.

ASK ME, I KNOW.

UH-OH.

CHATSWORTH, YOU SEEN ME

AND YOU COME DOWN HERE
JUST SO YOU CAN RUB IT IN.

- UNFORTUNATELY, CHAP,

THAT'S NOT WHY
WE'RE HERE AT ALL.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- YOU CAN'T KNOW
HOW THIS PAINS ME

BUT FRANCOIS WANTS ME
TO GIVE YOU A MESSAGE.

- A MESSAGE?

- LIKE, MESSAGE? I
DON'T WANNA DO IT

BUT WE MEMBERS
OF THE ARISTOCRACY

HAVE A CERTAIN OBLIGATION
TO OUR SOCIAL INFERIORS.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- GO ON ALREADY.

- WELL, SHE WANTS
ME TO TELL YOU THAT...

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- FRANCOIS WANTS ME TO TELL YOU

THAT THE ONLY REASON SHE
EVER PAID ANY ATTENTION TO ME

WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS DYING
TO SPEAK FRENCH WITH SOMEONE,

ANYONE.

OH, HOW DEGRADING.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- ALSO BECAUSE YOU WERE GOOD.

- LIKE, TRUE.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- AND KIND.
- LIKE, TRUE.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- LIKE, TRUE.

-WAIT, KREBS, BABY I DIDN'T
EVEN TRANSLATE IT YET.

- I DON'T NEED YOU. I
DIG WHAT SHE SAYS.

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- SHE LIKED ME THE
WAY I USED TO BE

WITH MY BEARD AND MY SWEATSHIRT!

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- SHE SAYS THAT...

- THE WAY I AM NOW IS NOT
THE REAL MAYNARD G. KREBS!

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- YOU HAVEN'T LOST HER, MAYNARD.

SHE JUST WANTS YOU
THE WAY YOU USED TO BE.

- YEAH.
- MY SWEATSHIRT,
YEAH, MY BEARD!

AND FRANCOIS, MAN
[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

- VIVA LA FRANCE.
- VIVA LA EIFFEL TOWER.

- I GOT A LETTER FROM
FRANCOIS FROM PARIS.

- OH, THAT'S GREAT, MAYNARD.

WHAT SHE GOT TO SAY?

- OH, I TRIED TO READ IT
BUT YOU KNOW SHE'S FRENCH.

- OH, WELL, HERE,
MAYBE I CAN MAKE IT OUT.

YOU COULDN'T READ THIS?

- NOT A WORD.

- IT'S WRITTEN IN ENGLISH.

- HEY, LIKE, HOW ABOUT THAT!

WHAT'S IT SAY?

[ APPLAUSE ]