The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 35 - The Unregistered Nurse - full transcript

The latest object of Dobie's affections is the slightly older Valerie Brown, a nurse receptionist at Dr. Simpson's medical practice. Valerie believes Dobie is a sweet and harmless teenager, she who humors his obvious come-ons. As none of his ploys on Valerie work, Dobie feels he needs to get a little underhanded and play on Valerie's sympathies by feigning an illness, symptoms which he believes he can fool both Valerie and Dr. Simpson into believing he has. He needs to use a slightly different tactic to convince his parents that he's sick. Dobie finds that his medical check-up isn't quite as easy and straightforward as he thought it was going to be. He has to do a little more underhanded work to make sure his tests come back the way he wants. Other problems for Dobie in this matter are his chosen illness which is a little more serious than he believed, and an issue unknown to him specifically about Valerie's personal life.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪



♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ DOBIE! ♪

- MY NAME'S DOBIE GILLIS.

I'M A YOUNG MAN WITH
A LOT OF PROBLEMS.

JUST A COUPLE OF YEARS
AGO ALL I HAD TO WORRY ABOUT

WAS SIMPLE FRACTIONS
AND KEEPING MY PANTS UP

AND DICK TRACY
AND SCOUT MEETINGS.

NOW I'VE GOTTA
WORRY ABOUT GIRLS.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS BETTER?

I THINK.

AT LEAST WHEN I HAVE A GIRL,

WHICH IS PRACTICALLY NEVER.

OF COURSE, I WON'T BE
WORRYING ABOUT GIRLS



ALL THE REST OF MY LIFE.

IN A FEW YEARS I'LL
BE A GROWN MAN,

THEN I'LL BE WORRYING
ABOUT WOMEN

AND THEY'RE THE
WORST KIND OF GIRLS.

I KNOW, I FOUND OUT YESTERDAY.

WE WERE IN CHARLIE
WONG'S ICE CREAM PARLOR.

- LOOK, DOBIE, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST GIVE UP GIRLS?

- MAYBE I SHOULD
JUST GIVE UP LIFE.

SAY, ELDON, YOU WORK
FOR A MEDICAL LABORATORY.

WHAT'S A GOOD POISON TO TAKE?

- OH, THEY'RE ALL LOUSY.
- WELL, I'M NOT PICKY.

- TAKE IT EASY, POPS.

- WHAT'S THERE TO
LIVE FOR, ANYWAY?

- DIZZY GILLESPIE'S NEW ALBUM.

- HOW MUCH CAN
ONE PERSON SUFFER?

HOW MUCH BREAKAGE
CAN ONE HEART TAKE?

- MAN, IF WE PUT THOSE WORDS
TO, LIKE, MUSIC WE GOT A BIG HIT.

♪ HOW MUCH CAN
ONE PERSON SUFFER? ♪

- MAYNARD.

- OH, THEY'RE SQUARE
BUT COMMERCIAL.

- MAYNARD, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M DESPERATE.
I'M A DRAINED MAN.

JUST AS THIS GLASS IS DRAINED

I FACE A FUTURE EMPTY
OF A SOFT, FEMININE FACE.

THERE'S NO GIRL IN
THE WORLD FOR ME.

WHO'S SHE?
- MAN, THAT'S A COOL TUNE.

- DOC SIMPSON'S
NURSE, VALERIE BROWN.

- OH, SWEET VALERIE BROWN.

- FIRST COUSIN TO GEORGIA.

- I MAKE DELIVERIES
TO HER OFFICE

AND SOMETIMES SHE TOUCHES
MY HAND AND IT BURNS.

- COME ON!

UH, MISS BROWN?
- YES?

- YOU KNOW ELDON.
- YES, I KNOW ELDON.

AND THIS IS MAYNARD KREBS.

WELL, HOW DO YOU DO, MAYNARD?

- OH, MAN, THAT BURNS!

- AND DO YOU HAVE A NAME?

- YES, I HAVE. DOBIE GILLIS.

- GLAD TO MEET YOU, DOBIE.
- BUT WE'VE MET.

IT WAS ONE NIGHT LAST WEEK.

YOU HAD WINGS AND YOU
HOVERED OVER MY BED

AND I HEARD MUSIC
FROM A THOUSAND VIOLINS.

- WELL...
- YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

WHEN CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?

- TONIGHT, LOOK FOR ME.

I'LL BE FLYING LOW.

- I FOUND HER.

I FOUND HER AT LAST.

- WHAT ARE YOU
SAYING? SHE'S ABOUT 25.

- IT'D BE LIKE YOUR
MATH TEACHER.

- YOU DON'T DIG IT, DO YOU?

THERE'S NO LOVE IN THIS
LIFE GREATER THAN THE LOVE

FOR AN OLDER WOMAN.
I THINK I'LL MARRY HER.

- MARRY HER!

- YOU MEAN LIKE WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER?

DOBE, YOU NEED A
NEW SET OF PLUGS.

- SHE DOESN'T EVEN
KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE.

- OH, SHE'LL KNOW.

JUST WAIT AND SEE.

SAY, WHEN DO YOU MAKE YOUR
NEXT DELIVERY TO DOC SIMPSON?

- 4:00.

- I'LL DO IT FOR YOU.
TAKE THE AFTERNOON OFF.

- YOU HIS FRIEND?
- YEAH.

- HE NEEDS FRIENDS.

[ NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE ]

[ NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE ]

- THE FIRST TIME SHE
JUST LOOKED AT ME.

THE SECOND TIME SHE
LOOKED THROUGH ME.

THE THIRD TIME SHE
LAUGHED. I THINK I'LL DIE.

- OH, SHE WAS, LIKE, TOO
OLD FOR YOU ANYWAY.

- SHE WAS MATURE.

- HEY, LET'S GO TO A MOVIE!

- WHEN SHE SMILED SHE WARMED
YOU FROM THE LIGHT IN HER EYES.

- I THINK THEY'RE PLAYING "THE
MONSTER WHO DEVOURED CLEVELAND."

- WHEN SHE LOOKED AT
ME MY SOUL WAS SEARED

TO A NICE, GOLDEN BROWN.

- THE SECOND FEATURE
IS "SPACE ACCOUNTANT."

- THE SAD, HARD FACT IS I
MADE NO IMPRESSION ON HER.

- THIRD FEATURE IS
"GONE WITH THE WIND."

- I TRIED EVERYTHING
IN THE BOOK.

- THE FOURTH FEATURE IS...
- EVERYTHING BUT DROPPING DEAD

AT HER FEET.
- THE FOURTH FEATURE IS...

- I'VE GOT IT!
MAYNARD, I'VE GOT IT.

IT HIT ME SQUARE
BETWEEN THE EYES.

WHY DIDN'T I THINK
OF THAT BEFORE?

- WHAT?
- SYMPATHY.

- THAT'S THE FOURTH
FEATURE, "TEA AND SYMPATHY."

- COOL, HEALING HANDS
ON A FEVERED BROW.

HER HANDS, MY BROW, MY VALERIE.

- THE FIFTH FEATURE IS...

- MAYNARD, I'M GONNA GET SICK.
- OH, NOT HERE.

- NOT JUST PLAIN SICK, REAL
FANCY SICK, LIKE HALF-DEAD

SO HER HEART CAN GO
OUT TO ME IN SYMPATHY.

- MAN, YOUR NEEDLE'S,
LIKE, SLIPPED THE GROOVE.

- FROM SYMPATHY TO LOVE IS
ONLY A HOP, SKIP AND A JUMP.

LET'S GO!
- HEY, THE FIFTH FEATURE IS...

- NO, NOT TO THE
MOVIES, TO THE LIBRARY.

I'VE GOT TO GET SICK.
- IN THE LIBRARY?

- RESEARCH, MAYNARD.
WHEN YOU'VE GOT AN AILMENT

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE
KNOWING THE PROPER SYMPTOMS.

- YOU LIKE RICKETS?
- SHH!

- YOU LIKE RICKETS?
- THAT'S FOR BABIES.

HEY, MAYNARD, LISTEN
TO THIS, HYPERCHLONITIS.

BUZZING IN THE EARS,
SPOTS BEFORE THE EYES,

PRESSURE AROUND THE THROAT.

- YEAH, I GET, LIKE,
THE SAME THING

FROM WEARING A COLLAR AND A TIE.

- YEAH, TOO COMMON.

- I DON'T THINK THIS IS
GONNA WORK, GOOD BUDDY.

YOU CAN'T, LIKE, HAVE YOUR
SICKNESS AND ROMANCE, TOO.

- I'M SERIOUS, MAYNARD,
NOW GET WITH IT.

- HEY, LET'S GO TO A MOVIE.
- NO.

- MAYBE THEY GOT,
LIKE, A SICK PICTURE.

- STOP IT, WILL YOU?

- LOOK, BIG DADDY, I'M
BEGINNING NOT TO FEEL GOOD

FROM ALL THIS SICK TALK.

- FIND ME SOMETHING
SERIOUS AND YOU CAN GO HOME.

- I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME.
I WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE.

- MAYNARD, I'VE GOT
TO GET SICK, SICK, SICK.

- BUBONIC PLAGUE!

BUBONIC PLAGUE,
MAN, THAT'S GOT A BEAT.

- OH, I COULDN'T
COME DOWN WITH THAT.

- WHY NOT?

- IT'S FOR BUBONS.

- MEASLES, MUMPS, MIGRAINE,

MELANCHOLY BABY.

- HEY, MAYNARD, LISTEN TO THIS.

CITRONIOSIS.

- YEAH, GOOD SOUND.

- A RARE BLOOD CONDITION.
- GOOD LYRICS.

- THE CAUSE IS UNKNOWN,
POSSIBLY SPREAD BY TICKS.

- WHAT'S THE MELODY?

- SYMPTOMS, PECULIAR REDDISH
COMPLEXION, SHORTNESS OF BREATH,

GENERAL WEAKNESS.

- [ SCATTING ]

I LIKE IT.

- MAYNARD, I THINK I
FOUND ME AN AILMENT.

- CONGRATULATIONS,

WHEN ARE YOU, LIKE, GOING
TO COME DOWN WITH IT?

- FIRST THING TOMORROW
MORNING, RIGHT BEFORE BREAKFAST.

- ONLY ONE THING BUGS ME. HOW
YOU GOING TO FOOL THE DOCTOR?

- LOOK, MAYNARD, WHEN
YOU'VE GOT A PAIN IN YOUR SIDE

HOW DOES THE DOCTOR
KNOW YOU HAVE IT?

- RADAR?

- EVERYTHING WHICH
IS IN HERE I'VE GOT.

- YEAH? SHORTNESS OF BREATH?

- [ PANTS ]

- GENERAL WEAKNESS?

SPASM IN THE STOMACH
MUSCLES? FACIAL TWITCH?

NAUSEA?
- ANY MORE?

- YOU DON'T NEED ANY
MORE. YOU'RE VERY SICK.

- CAN YOU SEE VALERIE
HOLDING ME CLOSE AND SAYING,

"POOR, POOR, BOY, MY
DARLING, HURRY AND GET WELL."

COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

I WANT TO PRACTICE MY SYMPTOMS.

TO BE SICK WHEN YOU'RE
IN THE BEST OF HEALTH

ISN'T AS SIMPLE AS IT APPEARS
ON THE SURFACE TO BE.

THE FIRST HURDLE WAS MY MOTHER.

I DIDN'T ANTICIPATE ANY
PROBLEM HERE AT ALL.

- NONSENSE, YOU'RE
A FINE, STRAPPING,

HEALTHY, RED-BLOODED,
ALL-AMERICAN BOY.

- THEN MY DAD CAME OVER AND HE
WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG.

I TOLD HIM I THOUGHT I WAS
COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING.

AND THERE WAS A
WORRIED LOOK ON HIS FACE.

- YES, BOY, I'M WORRIED

BECAUSE YOU'RE SICK,
SON, GOOD AND SICK

AND THERE'S ONLY ONE CURE
FOR WHAT YOU'VE GOT, SWEAT.

NOW, YOU CAN WORK UP A
SWEAT IN ONE OR TWO WAYS.

NUMBER ONE, YOU CAN DRAG
THAT LAZY BODY OF YOURS

INTO THE BACK ROOM
AND START UNPACKING

THAT LOAD OF CANNED GOODS

THAT'S BEEN SITTING
THERE FOR OVER A WEEK

OR NUMBER TWO, YOU
CAN START RUNNING.

BUT NO MATTER HOW
FAST OR HOW FAR YOU RUN,

I'M GOING TO CATCH YOU, BOY,

BECAUSE THIS TIME YOU'RE
NOT GOING TO WRIGGLE OUT OF IT.

- HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME.

I KNEW RIGHT THEN AND THERE

I HAD TO PLAY IT
COOL, REAL COOL.

I UNPACKED THE 12 CASES
OF CANNED PEAS, DAD.

I SWEPT OUT THE STOREROOM,
SCRUBBED OUT THE COOLER,

FILLED THE OUTGOING
ORDERS, LINED UP THE EMPTIES,

THREW OUT THE NO
DEPOSIT/NO RETURNS

THAT WERE RETURNED,
CANDLED THE EGGS

AND WASHED THE
TRUCK. WHAT'S NEXT?

- OUR BOY IS SICK.

- IT'S NOTHING, DAD. JUST
A SHORTNESS OF BREATH,

GENERAL WEAKNESS, DIZZY SPELLS.

- HERE, TAKE THIS AND GO
OVER AND SEE DOC SIMPSON.

- OH, GEE, THANKS, DAD.

- OH, MY, AND HE WAS SUCH
A FINE, STRAPPING, HEALTHY...

- WINNIE, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH HIM PHYSICALLY.

IT'S UP HERE.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH HIM UP THERE?

- HOW DO I KNOW? WHAT
AM I? A PSYCHIATRIST?

ALL I KNOW IS THAT HE DID THE
WORK OF 10 MEN THIS MORNING

AND ANYTIME DOBIE WORKS

THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM.

- THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOU, DOBIE.

YOU'RE A FINE,
STRAPPING HEALTHY...

- OH, THERE MUST BE. I GET
A SHORTNESS OF BREATH,

GENERAL WEAKNESS, DIZZY SPELLS,
SPASM IN MY STOMACH MUSCLES.

- YOU KEEP SAYING THAT.

- YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?
- OF COURSE I DO.

- DO YOU BELIEVE ME, DOC?

- WELL, FRANKLY, NO BUT
LET'S TAKE A BLOOD TEST.

- B-BLOOD TEST, WHAT FOR?

- VERY OFTEN WHEN WE CAN'T
FIND ANYTHING CLINICALLY

THE CHEMISTRY OF THE
BLOOD WILL TELL US THE STORY.

- WHY LISTEN TO MY BLOOD
WHEN YOU CAN HEAR IT FROM ME?

- YOU'LL FEEL BETTER, DOBIE
WHEN WE FIND OUT FROM THE TESTS

THAT THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH YOU.

- OH, BUT THERE IS. I GET
A SHORTNESS OF BREATH,

GENERAL WEAKNESS, DIZZY
SPELLS, SPASM IN STOM...

- OH, THIS WON'T HURT.

- MAYNARD, WHAT
YOU ARE DOING HERE?

- WAITING FOR DOBIE.

- WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I CAME TO PICK UP SOMETHING.

- SO PICK IT UP.

- HERE, ELDON, RUSH THIS
RIGHT DOWN TO THE LAB.

IT'S DOBIE GILLIS'S BLOOD.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

DON'T STOP.

- I THINK YOU BETTER
GO HOME NOW.

- DON'T STOP.

- DOBIE.
- DARLING.

- NOW COME ON, GET UP.

WHEN THAT BLOOD TEST
COMES BACK NEGATIVE YOU'LL...

- BLOOD TEST? YOU MEAN YOU
TOOK A SAMPLE OF MY BLOOD

WHILE I WAS OUT COLD?

- IT'S ALREADY ON ITS WAY
TO THE MEDICAL LABORATORY.

DON'T YOU WORRY. YOU'LL BE FINE.

- I WILL?
- OF COURSE.

- BUT I CAN'T BE. I KNOW
MY OWN SYMPTOMS.

A SHORTNESS OF BREATH,
GENERAL WEAKNESS, DIZZY...

- THE BLOOD NEVER LIES.

- NEVER?
- NEVER.

- SUPPOSING IT
COMES BACK POSITIVE?

- IT WON'T.
- YEAH, BUT SUPPOSING IT DOES.

- WELL, THEN WE'LL FIND
OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU

AND WE'LL MAKE YOU WELL.

- WILL YOU CARE?

- OF COURSE, I'LL BE
THINKING OF YOU ALL THE TIME.

NOW, COME ON. GO
HOME. AND DON'T WORRY.

AND I'LL FLY OVER YOUR
BED AGAIN TONIGHT.

- FLY LOW, VERY...

- KNOW WHAT?
- WHAT?

- THE ONLY THING WRONG
WITH THAT BOY IS YOU.

- OH.
- HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU.

THAT'S WHY HE'S HERE,
TO BE CLOSE TO YOU.

- THAT'S SILLY.

WHY SHOULD A FINE, STRAPPING...

- AH, THOSE ARE THE
KIND WHO GET CRUSHES,

LIKE ME WHEN YOU WALKED
IN HERE THE FIRST TIME.

- YOU MEAN LIKE ME WHEN
I PRETENDED TO BE SICK.

- AND THE TEST WAS NEGATIVE.

- OH, BUT I WAS POSITIVE.

- SO WAS I. LOVE ME?

- UH-HUH.
- WILL YOU MISS ME?

- THE TWO DAYS WILL
BE LIKE TWO YEARS.

- KEEP AWAY FROM
THAT BOY WHILE I'M GONE.

I DON'T LIKE THE WAY
HE LOOKS AT YOU.

- OH.

- GOODBYE, DARLING.

- GOODBYE.

- ALL RIGHT, WHAT DID
THE DOCTOR HAVE TO SAY?

- NOTHING, HE JUST
TOOK MY BLOOD COUNT.

- HOW MUCH WAS IT?

- HOW MUCH BLOOD
OR HOW MUCH MONEY?

- HOW MUCH MONEY, HOW
MANY BLOODS CAN YOU HAVE?

YOU'VE GOT ONE BLOOD
JUST LIKE ANYBODY ELSE.

I COULD HAVE TOLD
THE DOCTOR THAT.

HOW MUCH DID IT COST?

- OH, DON'T WORRY, DAD,
HE'LL SEND YOU A BILL.

- I GOTTA KILL THAT
BOY, I JUST GOT TO.

- NOW, HERBERT, DOBIE IS A
WONDERFUL BOY AND YOU KNOW IT.

- HE'S A WONDERFUL BOY?

HE'S A WONDERFUL HUMAN
GARBAGE DISPOSAL, THAT'S WHAT HE IS.

THERE'S ONLY ONE
THING KEEPS THAT BOY

FROM BEING A GENUINE
ALL-OUT JUVENILE DELINQUENT.

- HE'S TOO FINE.
- HE'S TOO LAZY.

- THERE ARE NO
DELINQUENT JUVENILES.

THERE ARE ONLY
DELINQUENT PARENTS.

WE SHOULDN'T THINK
OF HIM AS A CHILD.

WE SHOULD BE MODERN
AND PROGRESSIVE.

WE SHOULD TAKE THE
PSYCHOLOGICAL APPROACH.

DO YOU KNOW WHY DOBIE
RUNS AFTER GIRLS ALL THE TIME?

- OH, I GOT A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.

HAVE YOU SEEN SOME OF
THOSE GIRLS HE'S RUNNING AFTER?

HE'D BE OUT OF HIS MIND
IF HE DIDN'T CHASE THEM!

WHY, IF I WERE JUST A
FEW YEARS YOUNGER I'D...

I'D STILL BE CHASING YOU

AND THAT IS A VERY GOOD IDEA.

- DON'T CHANGE THE
SUBJECT. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

THE REASON THAT DOBIE

RUNS AFTER GIRLS IS
THAT HE NEEDS LOVE.

- YOU HAVE BEEN READING
THOSE MAGAZINES AGAIN.

- WHICH MAGAZINES?

- YOU KNOW WHICH MAGAZINES.

THOSE WOMEN'S MAGAZINES.

DOBIE NEEDS LOVE.

DOBIE NEEDS A SHOT IN THE
HEAD. THAT'S WHAT DOBIE NEEDS.

I SHOULD HAVE CLOBBERED THAT KID

THE FIRST TIME
HE GOT OUT OF LINE

AND YOU KNOW I NEVER
LAID A HAND ON THAT BOY,

NOT ONCE. OH, WHY DIDN'T I?

- BECAUSE THAT'S PRIMITIVE.

- PRIMITIVE?

LISTEN, MY FATHER
CLOBBERED ME BUT PLENTY.

ALL WEEK LONG WE
WENT AROUND THE STORE

LIKING EACH OTHER,
NOTHING WAS SAID

AND THEN ON SATURDAY NIGHT
WHEN I GOT READY TO TAKE MY BATH

HE CALLED ME OVER AND HE TICKED
OFF EVERYTHING I HAD DONE WRONG

ON MONDAY, TUESDAY,
WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY AND FRIDAY

AND THEN MY FATHER DID HIS DUTY.

HE TOOK ME DOWN IN THE BASEMENT

AND HE, BUT OH,
HE GAVE IT TO ME.

AND DID IT RUIN MY LIFE?
DID IT MAKE ME A CRIMINAL?

NO! I AM A SOLID CITIZEN.

I AM A DOWN TO EARTH,
MIDDLE OF THE ROAD,

STABLE, SOLID,
LEVELHEADED, EVEN-TEMPERED,

MATURE, CONSCIEN...

- I REST MY CASE.

- DID YOU GO TO THE LIBRARY?
- YEAH, MAN.

- AND YOU GOT ME THE
DOPE ON CITRONIOSIS?

- WORD-FOR-WORD FROM THE
BOOK. MAN, THAT'S DULL READING.

- LET ME SEE, 12 MILLION
RED BLOOD CELLS

PER CUBIC MILLIMETER.
HEMOGLOBIN NINE GRAMS.

BOY, THAT SOUNDS SERIOUS.

- NOW LET'S GOT TO A MOVIE.

- NO, FIRST WE GOT
TO GET TO ELDON

BEFORE HE DELIVERS A
REPORT TO DOC SIMPSON.

- THEN WE GO TO A MOVIE.

- NO, NO, THEN WE
LOUSE UP THE REPORT

TO FIT MY SYMPTOMS.
- THEN WE GO TO A MOVIE.

- NO, NO, THEN WE TAKE MY REPORT

WITH ALL THAT
HEMOGLOBIN JAZZ IN IT

AND SUBSTITUTE IT IN
PLACE OF THE REAL ONE.

- THEN WE GO TO A MOVIE?
- THEN WE GO TO A MOVIE.

- NAH, I SAW THE
PICTURE THREE TIMES.

WHAT ELSE YOU WANT TO DO?
- IF WE JUST...

HERE HE COMES. REMEMBER,
GIVE HIM THE OLD DOUBLE TALK.

- LEAVE IT TO ME.
- YEAH.

- WHAT'S WITH YOU GUYS?

I GOT DELIVERIES TO MAKE.
WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT?

- WELL, SIT DOWN
AND WE'LL TELL YOU.

- MAN, WAIT TILL YOU, LIKE,
HEAR THIS. WHAT A BLAST.

YOU KNOW THE FRANICUS BRAT?

WELL, HE AND ERNESTA
FRANZ GOT TOGETHER

AND I SAID, "WHO,
ELDON? NOT ELDON,"

THEY SAID, "YEAH, ELDON,
HE WOULDN'T EVER ANYTIME."

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- YEAH, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

- TELL HIM, MAYNARD, I GOT A
STROMLICK ON THE LUCKY GO.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- WHAT'S HE GOT TO DO?

- HE'S GOT A STROMLICK
ON THE LUCKY GO.

[ PHONE RINGS ]

- AND I SAID, "WHO, ELDON?"
- YEAH.

- AND HE...
- PHONE FOR YOU, ELDON.

- FOR ME? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

NOBODY KNOWS I'M HERE.

- IT'S A GIRL.
- REALLY?

- WHAT A VOICE. IS
ELDON THERE, PLEASE?

WOULD YOU BE KIND ENOUGH
TO CALL HIM TO THE PHONE?

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- REALLY?

- MM-HM.
- OH, MAN!

- NORMAL.

- HELLO? HELLO?

- ELDON?
- YES, THIS IS ELDON.

- THIS IS LUCY.

- LUCY? LUCY WHO?

- LUCY HECKENDORM.

REMEMBER WE MET ON FRONE
THAT TIME AND WE LAUGHED?

- WHAT'S THAT?

- DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE
FORGOTTEN, LIKE, SO SOON.

WE HAD SUCH A TRAUNT.

AND I SAID, "YOU
DON'T MEAN THAT"

AND YOU HELD ME
TIGHT ALL THE WAY.

- I DID?

- LUCY, LUCY HECKENDORM.

H-E, LIKE IN HECK.

- I DON'T REMEMBER YOU.

BUT I CERTAINLY WOULD LIKE TO.

- WELL, I REMEMBER YOU.

YOU'RE THAT TALL,
HANDSOME, FLOMINIC MAN

AREN'T YOU, WITH
THE FLESCENIC HAIR?

- YOUR TIME IS UP.
DEPOSIT 10 CENTS

FOR THE NEXT THREE
MINUTES, PLEASE.

- HURRY UP, DOBE, THE OPERATOR
WANTED SOME MORE COINS.

- ALL FINISHED.
- OH, AND JUST IN TIME, TOO.

- WHO WAS IT, ELDON?

- A GIRL.
- A GIRL?

- MET HER AT A PARTY ONCE.

SHE REMEMBERED ME AS A
TALL, HANDSOME, FLOMINIC MAN

WITH FLESCENIC HAIR.

- WHAT KIND OF HAIR?

- YOU WOULDN'T
UNDERSTAND. SO LONG.

- DID YOU FIX UP THE REPORT?
- ALL FIXED.

AND HOW CAN I THANK YOU ENOUGH?

- OH, FORGET IT, GOOD
BUDDY. IT WAS FLOMINIC.

- DOBIE GILLIS, A FINE,
STRAPPING, RED-BLOODED...

OH, NO.

HEMOGLOBIN NINE GRAMS.

THAT POOR, POOR BOY.

INDICATION OF
INCIPIENT CITRONIOSIS.

OPERATOR, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

GET ME THE HEALTH
DEPARTMENT QUICKLY.

- CITRONIOSIS?

THAT'S THE MOST CONTAGIOUS
DISEASE KNOWN TO MAN.

WE MUST QUARANTINE THE BOY.

WE MUST QUARANTINE EVERYBODY

HE'S COME IN CONTACT WITH.

- NO, I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS.

ISOLATION?

IF I GET MY HANDS ON HIM
I'LL SEND HIM TO MADAGASCAR

LET ALONE TO THE
BOARD OF HEALTH.

LISTEN, YOU BETTER OPEN
MY STORE OR I'LL SUE THE CITY!

THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH MY BOY

AND WHAT THE HECK IS THIS
CITRO WHATEVER YOU SAID?

OH, YEAH?

WELL, LISTEN, YOU JUST BETTER
OPEN MY STORE, THAT'S ALL.

CITRA WHATEVER HE SAID.

- HE WAS SUCH A FINE, STRAPPING,
HEALTHY, RED-BLOODED...

- ALL AMERICAN DODO.

MY OWN FLESH AND
BLOOD CLOSES MY STORE.

I GOTTA... I WONDER
IF HE'S REALLY SICK.

- OF COURSE HE IS, AND
WE HAVE TO FIND HIM.

- WE? THE WHOLE
POLICE DEPARTMENT'S OUT

LOOKING FOR HIM.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT
OUR LITTLE BOY HAS DONE?

HE HAS CAUSED A PANIC.

- I HOPE HE DOESN'T CATCH
COLD ON TOP OF EVERYTHING.

- I'M CALLING DR. SIMPSON,
IT'S VERY URGENT.

WHEN DID HE LEAVE?

OH, THANK GOODNESS. GOODBYE.

DOBIE!

OH, I DON'T FEEL WELL.

- STAY WHERE YOU
ARE, DON'T MOVE!

- HUH?
- YOU'RE VERY ILL, DOBIE.

- OH, OH, DID MY TEST COME
BACK? WHAT DID IT SAY?

I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD.

I'VE BEEN AWAY ALL DAY
WORRYING ABOUT MYSELF,

WONDERING WHAT THE
RESULT OF MY TEST WAS,

HOPING THAT I WOULD FEEL YOUR
COOL HANDS ON MY HOT HEAD.

- DON'T COME NEAR ME, DOBIE!
- WHY, DARLING?

- YOU HAVE A VERY
SERIOUS AILMENT.

- I HAVE?
- EXTREMELY SERIOUS.

- WHAT HAVE I GOT?

- CITRONIOSIS.

- REALLY?

- STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

- VALERIE, MY
FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE,

WHAT'S WRONG?

- YOU'RE CONTAGIOUS.

- I'M WHAT?
- NOW, DON'T BE FRIGHTENED,

DOBIE, THE POLICE
WILL BE HERE SOON.

THEY'RE GOING TO
PUT YOU IN ISOLATION.

DR. SIMPSON WILL DO
EVERYTHING HE CAN FOR YOU.

- THE POLICE?

ISOLATION? WHAT FOR?

I'M A FINE, STRAPPING, HEALTHY,
RED-BLOODED, ALL-AMERICAN BOY!

- OH, HERE YOU ARE.

- OH, WAIT, THIS IS ALL
A MISTAKE. I'M NORMAL.

- COME ALONG, SON.

YOU'LL HAVE THE BEST OF
CARE. I'VE GOT A BOY YOUR AGE.

HE'S A FINE, STRAPPING,
HEALTHY, RED-BLOODED...

- GOODBYE, DOBIE,
YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

- HEY, I'M ALL RIGHT NOW.
I HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING.

- COME ALONG, SON.

YOU'D BETTER FUMIGATE THIS ROOM.

- ASK MAYNARD, ASK THE
MEDICAL LABORATORY.

- I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

- I KNOW.

- I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME.

THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY.

- NOW, NOW, NOW,
DON'T YOU WORRY.

THEY MIGHT FIND A CURE
FOR IT ONE OF THESE DAYS.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? I GOT NOTHING TO CURE.

- MIRACLES HAPPEN EVERY DAY.

LOOK AT PENICILLIN,

THE RACE BETWEEN
ASPIRIN AND BUFFERIN.

- ASPIRIN? I WON'T GO, I WONT.

- JIM!
- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

- I'M BEING RAILROADED, DOC.
- LET THE BOY GO.

- LET HIM GO? HE'S SICK.

- I'M HIS PHYSICIAN. I'LL
TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY.

- OKAY, YOU'RE THE DOCTOR

BUT LET ME WARN YOU,
HE'S GOT TO BE IN ISOLATION.

- I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

- SO LONG, SON.

RESEARCH GOES ON DAY AND NIGHT.

- SAME AGE AS MY BOY.
- STAY AWAY FROM DOBIE, HE'S...

- I KNOW WHAT HE'S GOT.

I JUST CAME FROM THE
LAB AND SAW THE REPORT.

THE REAL REPORT.

- THEN YOU KNOW
ABOUT ME AND ABOUT...

- YOU WANT TO KNOW
SOMETHING, DOBIE?

I'VE GOT THE SAME
THING YOU'VE GOT.

ONLY I GOT IT FIRST.

OKAY, DOBIE, YOU'RE CURED.

- DON'T WORRY, DOBIE.

YOU'LL FIND A GIRL.

- YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
THEY KEEP TELLING ME.

SO HOW COME I NEVER FIND ONE?

- YOU'RE ON THE
SAUCE AGAIN, DOBE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, GOOD BUDDY?

- SAME AS ALWAYS.

NO GIRL. ALL THAT
RESEARCH WE DID WASTED.

VALERIE LOVES DOC SIMPSON.

- WELL, CHEER UP, BIG DADDY.

YOU'LL GET A GIRL AND THAT
OLD BLUEBIRD OF HAPPINESS

WILL, LIKE, FLY AGAIN.
- NEVER.

WOWEE, WHO'S SHE?

- CORA KLAUS,

JUST GOT BACK FROM
BOARDING SCHOOL.

- ALL OF A SUDDEN
THE SUN IS OUT.

- VERY RICH, HER FATHER OWNS
SOME BIG BUSINESS IN TOWN.

OH, NOT KLAUS'S NURSERY?

- YEAH. HE SELLS BABIES?

- NO, PLANTS, TREES,
SHRUBS, STUFF LIKE THAT.

- OH.
- COME ON, MAYNARD,

WE'RE GOING TO THE LIBRARY.
- AGAIN? WHAT FOR?

- I WANT TO READ UP
ON JAPANESE BEETLES.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪