The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 33 - Competition Is the Life of Trade - full transcript
Dobie competes against Chatsworth Osborne, Jr. for the affections of the newest girl in town, the pretty Delphine Quimby, but Dobie doesn't know if he stands a fighting chance against what Chatsworth has to offer, namely wealth and sophistication. His parents, especially his father, try to convince him that he can indeed compete if he wants something bad enough, especially as he is a Gillis. What Dobie and Herbert are unaware of is that Delphine's father is opening a new grocery store in the neighborhood. When Dobie finds out, he has to decide if his loyalty to his father or his pursuit of Delphine is more important. But in dealing specifically with the issue of competing against Chatsworth, Dobie may have an unlikely ally.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
- ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN
SEARCHING FOR A GIRL,
THE GIRL.
I WANT HER TO BEAUTIFUL
AND SOFT AND PINK AND CREAMY
BUT IF SHE ISN'T SO BEAUTIFUL
I WON'T MIND TOO MUCH,
JUST SO LONG AS
SHE'S KIND TO ME.
AND IF SHE ISN'T KIND THAT
ISN'T TOO IMPORTANT, EITHER.
IN FACT, I'LL TAKE HER IF
SHE'S UGLY AND SORT OF MEAN
JUST SO LONG AS SHE'S A GIRL
BUT I HAVEN'T GOT
ONE CHANCE A MILLION
TO FIND A GIRL WHO'S LOVELY.
- THANK YOU.
- AND DESIRABLE.
- THANK YOU.
- AND ENCHANTING.
- THANK YOU.
- AND STRANGE.
- I'LL TAKE BACK THE THANK YOU.
- I ONLY MEANT THAT
YOU'RE A STRANGER
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
- OH, WELL, I JUST MOVED
INTO TOWN FROM CLEVELAND.
- OH, UNFORTUNATE,
UNHAPPY CLEVELAND.
FORTUNATE, HAPPY US.
- YOU'RE CHARMING.
- YOU ARE POETRY.
I'M DOBIE GILLIS.
MAY I BE YOUR SLAVE?
WELL, I'M DELPHINE QUIMBY. NO.
OH, PLEASE, DELPHINE?
- KEEP YOUR DISTANCE, CAVEMAN.
- YES, MY PRINCESS.
- DOBIE, ARE ALL THE BOYS
AROUND HERE LIKE YOU?
- I THINK YOU CAN SAFELY
SAY THAT I'M ONE OF A KIND.
- WELL, I THINK YOU
CAN SAFELY SAY
THAT THE OTHER BOYS ARE GLAD.
- OH, HELLO, CHATSWORTH.
KEEP IN TOUCH, CHATSWORTH.
- AREN'T YOU GOING
TO INTRODUCE ME
TO YOUR FRIEND?
- WHICH FRIEND?
- THE DELIGHTFUL YOUNG CREATURE
YOU'RE TRYING TO
KEEP ME FROM SEEING.
- WHICH DELIGHTFUL
YOUNG CREATURE
I'M TRYING TO KEEP
YOU FROM SEEING?
- THIS ONE.
- CHATSWORTH.
- HELLO THERE. I'M
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE JUNIOR,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?
- OH, BOY WHAT A CORNY APPROACH.
- WELL, I'M PLEASED TO
MEET YOU, CHATSWORTH.
I'M DELPHINE QUIMBY.
- CORNY BUT EFFECTIVE.
AS ONE OF THIS TOWN'S
MORE IMMANENT PERSONALITIES
MAY I OFFER MY ASSISTANCE
TO OUR DELIGHTFUL NEW COMER?
- WELL, I DO HAVE TO FIND
THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE
AND REGISTER IN SCHOOL.
- WELL, I SHALL BE
PLEASED TO ESCORT YOU.
- YOU'RE NOT, JUST A
MINUTE, CHATSWORTH,
JUST A DARN MINUTE.
I SAW HER FIRST.
- SO?
- SO MAYBE SHE'D RATHER
HAVE ME ESCORT HER
TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
- HMM, I MUST ADMIT YOU
ARE BETTER QUALIFIED.
- OF COURSE.
- THE POOR CHAP
SPENDS HAVE HIS LIFE
IN THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE
EXPLAINING HIS GRADES.
- CHATSWORTH!
- ONE MORE FLUNK
AND THEY'RE GOING
TO MAKE HIM PAY RENT.
- NEVER MIND.
DELPHINE, WHICH OF US
DO YOU WANNA GO WITH?
- SO DIFFICULT TO MAKE A CHOICE.
- IT CERTAINLY IS.
ON THE ONE HAND
WE HAVE A DEBONAIR,
SOPHISTICATED MAN OF THE
WORLD AND ON THE OTHER,
DOBIE GILLIS, SOME IN SHORTS.
- WELL
- I'LL DRIVE YOU THERE
IN MY NEW CONVERTIBLE.
IT'S IMPORTED, OF COURSE.
GILLIS, BABY, WHAT
MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION
DO YOU INTEND TO USE?
- WALKING IS WONDERFUL EXERCISE.
IT BUILDS UP THE CALVES.
- HOW QUAINT.
THEN LATER MY DEAR WE
SHALL DROP IN AT THE MALT SHOP
WHERE I HAVE AN
UNLIMITED CHARGE ACCOUNT.
WOULD YOU CARE TO
SEE MY CREDIT CARDS?
- CREDIT CARDS.
- GILLIS, BABY,
HAVE YOU PAID THE
25 CENTS YOU OWE
OR ARE YOU STILL BARRED
FROM THE MALT SHOP
AS A DEADBEAT?
COME, MY PET.
ON THE WAY WE'LL RUN THE TOP
OF MY CONVERTIBLE UP AND DOWN.
IT'S SCADS OF FUN.
- BYE DOBIE, SORRY.
- SHE'S SORRY?
WHAT ABOUT ME?
I MEAN, THE WAY I TURNED CHICKEN
I COULD'VE BEEN PLUCKED AND SOLD
BY THE POUND AT
SOME POULTRY MARKET
BUT HOW DO YOU FIGHT A FELLOW
LIKE CHATSWORTH OSBORNE JUNIOR?
HE'S SMOOTH AND
HE HAS A FANCY CAR
AND ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD
AND THE GIRLS KEEP
FLOCKING AROUND HIM.
YOU KNOW, THE HATEFUL TYPE.
WHAT COULD I DO TO
COMPETE WITH HIM?
- YOU CAN FIGHT BACK IN A GOOD,
CLEAN, FAIR, RED
BLOODED, AMERICAN WAY
LIKE KICKING HIS TEETH IN.
THAT'S WHAT YOU CAN DO.
YOU ARE HERBERT
T. GILLIS'S SON, SON
AND JUST AS GOOD AS ANY
MAN JACK IN THAT SCHOOL.
THIS IS IS AMERICA
AND EVERY FELLOW
IN THIS COUNTRY HAS GOT
TO GET IT THROUGH HIS HEAD
THAT HE'S JUST AS GOOD
AS EVERY OTHER FELLOW.
DON'T LET NOBODY
SHOVE YOU AROUND.
DON'T LET NOBODY SCARE YOU.
TALK BACK WHEN YOU
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.
- DAD
- SPEAK UP... PIPE DOWN,
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TALKING?
- WHY DO YOU THINK I ANSWERED
MY COUNTRY'S CALL TO DUTY
BACK IN' 42 AND PULLED
MYSELF UP BY MY BOOTSTRAPS
TO BE A FIRST SERGEANT WITH
THE GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL.
I'LL TELL YOU WHY,
SO THAT VERY SMART,
CLEAR THINKING KID
AND BOYS LIKE YOU, TOO, DOBIE
COULD BOO THE
UMPIRE AND RUB ELBOWS
WITH THE RICH MILLIONAIRES
FROM THE BIG HOUSES
UP ON THE HILL
AND LIVE LIKE WE'VE BEEN
LIVING IN THIS COUNTRY
EVER SINCE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS
FIRST SET FOOT ON PLYMOUTH ROCK.
- QUIET, WINNIE, RIGHT NOW
THAT ALL MEN EQUAL
STUFF DON'T APPLY TO HIM.
- DAD, I APPRECIATE YOUR
ADVICE BUT I HAVEN'T GOT A CHANCE
AGAINST CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE JUNIOR.
HE'S TOO MUCH COMPETITION.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH A
LITTLE HONEST COMPETITION?
- DOBIE, DEAR, WOULD
YOU WANT A GIRL
THAT NOBODY ELSE WANTED?
- WHO WOULD? BUT THAT'S
SURE THE DEAD END STREET
I'M HEADED FOR NOW.
- OH, NONSENSE.
YOU'RE A FINE BOY
AND YOU CAN COMPETE
ON AN EQUAL FOOTING
WITH ANYBODY FOR A GIRL
OR A JOB OR ANYTHING
YOU WANT FROM THIS WORLD.
- RIGHT. A GOOD FIGHT
IS HEALTHY FOR YOU.
IT'S LIKE GETTING ON A BUS, SEE?
EVERYBODY GETS ON TOGETHER,
MEN, WOMEN, AND CHILDREN
AND THEN THEY SEE A VACANCY
AND THEY ALL RACE
FOR IT ON EQUAL TERMS.
THAT'S THE DEMOCRATIC WAY.
- IT MAY COME AS A SHOCK TO
YOU BUT WHEN YOUR FATHER
WAS COURTING ME
HE FACED QUITE A
BIT OF COMPETITION.
- I SURE DID. AND I WON.
- HONEST?
- WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES THAT MAKE, I WON?
- OH, I GOT A LITTLE
SNEAKY ONCE IN A WHILE
LIKE THE NIGHT I
DRAINED THE GAS TANK
ON FRED CLAUSES' RIO
WHEN HE WAS GONNA TAKE
YOUR MOTHER TO THE BOX SOCIAL
AND I JUST HAPPENED
TO DRIVE BY IN MY ESSEX.
- WHY HERBERT, YOU DEVIL.
- YEAH, WASN'T I?
OH, MOSTLY IT WAS MARQUESS
OF QUEENSBERRY RULE, SON,
BUT WHEN I SEEN
SOMETHING I WANTED
I WENT OUT AND GRABBED
IT AND THAT FRED CLAUSE
WEIGHED 250 POUNDS AND
CAME FROM A MEAN FAMILY.
- DAD, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M GONNA FIGHT FOR
THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS.
I'LL BE A CHIP OFF
THE OLD BLOCK.
- ATTA BOY, YOUNG
CHIP AND REMEMBER,
YOU CAN ALWAYS COME TO ME
WHEN YOU THINK YOU NEED ADVICE
FROM THE OLD BLOCK'S HEAD.
IT'S A COMFORT
TO LEARN THAT PARENTS
SERVE SOME PURPOSE IN LIFE
HOWEVER SMALL.
- HE'S A NICE BOY.
- WELL, YOU GET USED TO HIM.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
- HUGHES' GROCERIES,
OH, HELLO, EMILY.
- THE BACK FENCE
BROADCASTING SYSTEM.
- FINE, WHAT'S NEW, EMILY?
- GEORGE COOT IS
GETTING A PROMOTION.
- OH, GOOD OLD
GEORGE, WHOEVER HE IS.
- BUT HIS WIFE CAUGHT HIM
COMING INTO THE HOUSE
AT 2:00 THIS MORNING.
- POOR OLD GEORGE.
- GEORGE GOT A
TERRIBLE BALLING OUT
AND A NEW GROCERY STORE IS
OPENING UP ON FRISBEE STREET.
- POOR OLD GEORGE
AND A NEW GROCERY STORE IS
OPENING UP ON FRISBEE STREET?
- IT'S CALLED QUIMBY'S
AND IT'S OPENING ON FRIDAY.
- WHY THERE'S HARDLY
ENOUGH BUSINESS
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD
FOR ONE GROCERY STORE.
POOR HOUSE HERE WE COME.
- OH, MRS. FROBUSH'S
BABY IS HAVING THE COLIC
FOR THE THIRD DAY IN A ROW.
- DROP MRS. FROBUSH'S BABY.
- CALM DOWN, HERBERT!
- CALM DOWN, HERBERT?
FOR 14 YEARS I'VE BEEN
SWEATING AND SLAVING
IN THIS STORE,
GETTING UP EVERY
MORNING AT 5:00 IN THE A.M.
STRIVING AND WHEEDLING
AND TRYING TO SCROUNGE A
FEW EXTRA, MISERABLE BUCKS
OUT OF THE TIGHTWADS
THAT LIVE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD
AND NOW HERE WE ARE
READY TO LOSE EVERYTHING
AND ALL YOU CAN THINK OF TO SAY
IS "CALM DOWN,
HERBERT. CALM DOWN!"
- WELL, THEN I HAVE
ANOTHER SUGGESTION.
- WHAT?
- GET EXCITED.
- NOW, LISTEN IT
DOESN'T OKAY, OKAY,
BUT I GOT A RIGHT
TO GET EXCITED.
WHY THAT NEW
GROCERY STORE'S GONNA
STEAL THE CUSTOMERS
RIGHT OUT OF OUR MOUTHS.
- WELL, YOU SAID YOURSELF
THAT COMPETITION IS HEALTHY.
- FOR OTHER PEOPLE, NOT FOR ME.
- NOW, LOOK, HERBERT, I'M
WORRIED ABOUT THIS, TOO,
BUT IF THIS QUIMBY
STORE IS HERE, IT'S HERE.
YOU CAN'T YELL IT
OUT OF EXISTENCE.
- I CAN TRY.
- I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.
- WHAT?
- WHY DON'T YOU
GO OVER TO QUIMBY
AND WELCOME HIM
AND GET A LOOK AT THE PRICES
THAT HE'S TRYING TO CHARGE
AND DON'T LET HIM
KNOW WHO YOU ARE?
- IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA GO
TRAIPSING OVER TO THAT BROKEN,
OH, NO, THAT'S A PRETTY SHREWD,
UNDERHANDED IDEA, WINNIE.
- WELL, I'M A PRETTY SHREWD,
UNDERHANDED CHARACTER.
I WISH I WAS A SHREWD AND
UNDERHANDED CHARACTER.
BUT I'M OPEN AND
HONEST AND FULL OF LOVE,
LOVE FOR DELPHINE QUIMBY.
OH, DELPHINE,
WHEN I THINK OF HER
I FEEL STRONG AND SURE.
NO LONGER AM I TOSSED
ABOUT WILLY-NILLY
LIKE AN AIMLESS, DRIFTING
PIECE OF WRECKAGE.
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HELLO, MAYNARD.
- HEY, DOB, YOU'RE, KIND
OF, HOT AND BOTHERED.
YOU GOT, LIKE, A
FEVER OR SOMETHING?
- OH, NO, MAYNARD, NO.
I'M IN LOVE AND LOVE HAS
MADE MY WHOLE INNER BEING
WARM AND GLOWING.
- MAN, WHY WASTE ALL THE HEAT
ON A CHICK WHEN YOU COULD, LIKE,
PUT IT TO GOOD USE AND
BURN DOWN THE SCHOOL?
- WELL, NOW, MAYNARD,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I LIKE FEELING WARM INSIDE.
THE ONLY TROUBLE IS
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
IS AFTER THIS GIRL, TOO.
- THAT SQUARE?
- YEAH,
I JUST WISH I COULD
SHOW DELPHINE
THAT HE'S NOT AS
GOOD AS HE SAYS HE IS.
- YEAH, HEY, I HAPPEN
TO KNOW HE, LIKE, CHEATS
ON HIS SCHOOL WORK.
- HE DOES? HOW, HOW?
- HE, LIKE, STUDIES.
- THANKS, MAYNARD,
YOU'VE BEEN VERY HELPFUL.
- I OWE IT TO YOU.
YOU'RE, LIKE, MY GOOD BUDDY.
- I GOT DELPHINE'S ADDRESS
FROM THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE.
I'M GOING OVER TO HER HOUSE NOW
AND GIVE CHATSWORTH
A REAL FIGHT.
IT'S THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE.
- YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.
THE SURVIVAL OF THE FATTEST.
- YEAH.
- THAT'S FITTEST.
- YEAH, FITTEST.
- YOU SEE, MAYNARD,
IN THIS WORLD
THERE ARE THE HAVES
AND THE HAVE-NOTS
AND THE HAVE-NOTS MUST FIGHT
TO GET WHAT THEY
WANT FROM THE HAVES.
- YEAH, LIKE, TWO DOGS
BARKING AND GROWLING
OVER THE SAME BONE.
- YEAH, THAT'S GOOD,
MAYNARD, YOU SEE...
- OR A COUPLE OF
SQUIRRELS CROSSING TAILS
OVER THE SAME NUT.
- OR TWO ROBIN RED
BREASTS BATTING WINGS
OVER ONE, DINKY LITTLE NEST.
- YEAH, TAKE OWLS...
- OWLS?
- THERE'S ONLY ROOM
IN THEM BRANCHES
FOR ONE OWL TO SIT
AROUND MUMBLING
HOOT-HOOT.
DON'T STOP, NO, NO. MAYNARD
- THEY KEEP DOING
THAT UNTIL ONE OF THEM
WINDS UP THE CHAMPION HOOTER.
- YEAH,
NOW MAYNARD...
- OR DUCKS,
LOOK HOW THEY FLY IN
A V-SHAPE FORMATIONS.
ONLY ONE LITTLE QUACK
AND THE LEADER
CAN BE OUT IN FRONT
LEADING THE BUNCH...
- MAYNARD...
- BUT THEY FLAP
AROUND AND THEY QUACK
UNTIL THEY PICK A DUCK LEADER.
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH, ENOUGH.
- HOW ABOUT TUNA FISH?
- NOW, CUT THAT OUT!
I GOT TO GET OVER TO DELPHINE'S.
- YEAH, I THINK I'LL
GO ALONG WITH YOU.
MAYBE SHE'D LIKE TO
HEAR ABOUT THE TUNA FISH.
OH, YEAH, THIS IS IT, QUIMBY'S.
I GUESS DELPHINE'S
FATHER RUNS THE STORE.
- MAN, WHAT A LUCKY CAT.
FINDING A PAD WITH HIS NAME
ALREADY PAINTED ON THE DOOR.
- THAT'S RIGHT, MAYNARD.
HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?
- LIKE, HI, SIR.
- I'M SORRY, BOYS. THE
STORE ISN'T OPEN YET.
- SURE IT IS. WE JUST
CAME THROUGH THE DOOR.
- NO, NO, I MEAN IT ISN'T
OPEN FOR BUSINESS.
- WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. WE
NEVER HAVE ENOUGH LOOT TO,
LIKE, BUY ANYTHING ANYWAY.
- MAYNARD!
- YOU LIVE IN THIS
NEIGHBORHOOD, BOY?
- I LIKE TO BE NEAR MY FAMILY.
- ARE THEY ALL LIKE YOU?
- YES, SIR, EXCEPT MY MOTHER.
SHE'S, LIKE, SHORTER.
- MAYBE I WAS A LITTLE TOO HASTY
WHEN I MOVED AWAY
FROM CLEVELAND.
- YES, SIR, I JUST CAME
IN TO SEE DELPHINE.
I'M DOBIE GILLIS.
- WELL, HELLO. I'M
DELPHINE'S FATHER.
- HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?
- I'M MAYNARD G. KREBS
AND MY FATHER ISN'T
MUCH LIKE ME EITHER.
HE'S, LIKE, LEFT-HANDED.
- GILLIS, GILLIS,
YOU LIVE AROUND HERE, TOO?
- YES, SIR, MY DAD
OWNS GILLIS'S GROCERY
OVER ON NORWOOD STREET.
- OH.
- WHAT KIND OF A STORE
ARE YOU OPENING?
- WELL, I - OPEN YOUR EYES, MAN,
THEY'RE, LIKE, SELLING BOXES.
- WE'RE SELLING BOXES?
OH, YOU'VE GOT IT UP HERE, BOY.
- HI, DOBIE.
- OH, HI, DELPHINE.
THIS IS MY FRIEND
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- HOW DO YOU DO, MAYNARD?
- LIKE, HI.
- MAYNARD'S JUST LEAVING.
- I AM?
- YES, MAYNARD, DELPHINE AND I
HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT
MATTER TO DISCUSS.
- WE DO?
- YOU BET WE DO.
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
MAY HAVE WON THE FIRST
ROUND THIS AFTERNOON
BUT I HAVE ONLY BEGUN TO FIGHT.
- YEAH, GOOD BUDDY.
- MAYNARD, YOU WERE LEAVING.
- OH, JUST WHEN THINGS
WERE STARTING TO SWING.
DO I, LIKE, HAVE TO?
- YOU LIKE HAVE TO
LIKE, SO LONG.
- LIKE, LIKEWISE.
- DELPHINE, MY
GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL,
WE LIVE BY THE
LAW OF THE JUNGLE.
NOW THAT I'VE FOUND YOU,
COMPETITION WILL ONLY SPUR
ME ON TO GREATER EFFORTS.
- LIKE, HI, MR. GILLIS.
- THAT COOKIE, YOU
DIDN'T BY ANY CHANCE
BUY IT AT QUIMBY'S
GROCERY STORE, DID YOU?
- OH, NO, SIR. I'M ALWAYS, LIKE,
TWO TAPPED TO BUY ANYTHING,
SO I ALWAYS SHOP AT YOUR PLACE.
- GROCERY STORE?
- YEAH, I'M ON MY WAY
OVER THERE RIGHT NOW
TO FIND OUT WHAT
THAT CROOK IS UP TO.
- OH, LIKE, STOP
MR. GILLIS. DON'T GO.
- LET GO OF ME. LET GO OF ME!
- IT'S, LIKE, A DANGEROUS
NEIGHBORHOOD, MR. GILLIS.
THEY'RE EXPECTING,
LIKE, A TYPHOON
OR A HURRICANE OR AN
EARTHQUAKE OR MAYBE BOTH.
- MAYNARD, THEY OUGHT
TO DECLARE YOUR HEAD
A DISASTER AREA.
- OH, DOBIE, I'M SO
GLAD I FOUND YOU.
I COULD NEVER BE INTERESTED
IN BOY AS CONCEITED
AS THAT CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.
THERE, THAT'S A LOVER'S KNOT.
- OH, REALLY?
DELPHINE, YOU'RE AS
SMART ON THE INSIDE
AS YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
ON THE OUTSIDE.
- OH, BOYS LIKE HIM
ARE SO SHALLOW
AND SELF-SATISFYING.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- WOULD YOU HELP ME
WITH THIS BREAKFAST
FOOD CARTON, PLEASE.
- I AM AT YOUR COMMAND
MY SOFT, PINK ANGEL.
- I MEAN, I'VE HAD ENOUGH
OF THOSE SHIFTLESS
PLAYBOYS IN CLEVELAND.
- I MEAN, WHEN A GIRL REACHES
17 AND BECOMES MATURE
SHE PREFERS THE MORE
MODEST, SINCERE TYPE.
- YEAH.
- AND NOW THE KETCHUP BOTTLES.
- OF COURSE.
DELPHINE, I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG
BUT I HAVE A REPUTATION
OF BEING ONE OF THE TRULY
MODEST SINCERE TYPES
IN THE NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT.
- I KNEW THAT THE
MOMENT I SAW YOU, DOBIE.
- YEAH, HERE, LET ME
STACK THESE CRACKERS
FOR YOU, MY SWEET.
YOU SEE DEL... CRACKERS,
KETCHUP, BREAKFAST FOOD...
DELPHINE, WHAT KIND
OF A STORE IS THIS?
NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH
YOU? IT'S A GROCERY STORE.
- I ASKED YOU NOT TO TELL ME.
- DOBIE, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU.
YOU'RE ACTING VERY STRANGELY.
- I'VE DEVOTED A
LIFETIME AVOIDING THIS
IN MY FATHER'S STORE
AND HERE IT JUST SNUCK UP ON ME.
- DOBIE!
- MY FATHER WILL MURDER ME.
I GOT TO GET OUT
OF HERE. MAYNARD,
WOULD YOU PLEASE
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
- YOUR FATHER...
- MAYNARD, WHATEVER YOU'RE
TRYING TO TELL ME IT CAN WAIT.
- HE IT CAN WAIT NOW.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M ONE OF YOUR NEW, NEIGHBORLY
NEIGHBORS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
- OH, HOW DO YOU DO, SIR.
WE DON'T OPEN THE
STORE TILL FRIDAY.
- WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I JUST DROPPED IN
TO LOOK AROUND.
- WELL, BE MY GUEST.
- HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE TO
PAY A KID LIKE THAT TO WORK HERE.
- OH, WE DON'T PAY HIM ANYTHING.
- WOULDN'T THAT FROST YOU?
I RAISED MY OWN HELP
AND I DON'T GET
THAT KIND OF A BREAK.
- HOW DOES THE
STORE LOOK TO YOU, SIR.
- OKAY, OKAY.
- SAY, HOW MUCH YOU
GETTING FOR THIS SOAP HERE?
- WHICH SOAP?
- THIS ONE?
- OH, THAT BRAND IS
SELLING FOR 38 CENTS A BOX.
- 38 CENTS A BOX?
WHY, YOU COULD CHARGE 45
AND GET RID OF EVERY
BOX IN THE STORE.
- 45 CENTS? ISN'T THAT
A LITTLE OVERPRICED?
- WELL, THE GROCER
OVER ON THE NEXT STREET
IS CHARGING 50.
- GILLIS?
- OF COURSE, HE IS
SUCH A BELOVED FIGURE
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
THAT THE CUSTOMERS
JUST PAY HIM ANYTHING HE ASKS.
HOWEVER, IF YOU WERE
TO SHOW THEM A BARGAIN,
WHO CAN TELL?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
IF MY CUSTOMERS FIND ME
CHARGING SUCH EXORBITANT PRICES
THEY MIGHT WALK OUT OF HERE
AND NEVER COME BACK AGAIN.
- TRY THEM.
I'M ONLY SUGGESTING
IT FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
YOU ARE A FINE CITIZEN.
- AND A VETERAN.
- HOW MUCH YOU GETTING
FOR THESE PEACHES?
- 21 CENTS A CAN.
GILLIS IS GETTING 30.
- NO.
- YES, WHY, YOU COULD CHARGE
28 FOR THESE AND CLEAN UP.
- WELL, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, MR...
- DOBBS, FRED C. DOBBS, YES.
- YOU'VE BEEN A BIG HELP.
- OH, THAT'S OKAY.
I DON'T MIND HELPING
OUT WHEN YOU'RE JUST...
- DOBBS IS THE
NAME, FRED C.DOBBS.
I'M JUST A CIVIC MINDED CITIZEN
CHECKING ON BUSINESS CONDITIONS
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
- OH, YES, SIR I
UNDERSTAND MR...
- DOBBS, FRED C.DOBBS.
I'M IN PLUMBING.
- YOU HAVE ANYMORE
SUGGESTIONS, MR. DOBBS?
- YEAH, CHARGE A $1.98 FOR LIVER
AND YOUR CUSTOMERS WILL
NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU.
- EVERYBODY ELSE GETS
A DOLLAR AND A QUARTER?
- GILLIS IS GETTING THREE BUCKS.
GOODBYE, MR. QUIMBY,
AND GOOD LUCK.
- THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, MR. GILLIS.
- AFTERNOON, MA.
CHARMING, DOES IT HAVE A NAME?
- THIS? IT'S CALLED UNTITLED.
- FASCINATING.
WHAT DOES IT REPRESENT?
- HOW DO I KNOW?
IT'S CALLED
UNTITLED - OF COURSE.
- CHATSWORTH,
PAINTING IS BEGINNING
TO MEAN A GREAT DEAL TO ME.
- I QUITE UNDERSTAND, MATHER.
- IT'S AN EMOTIONAL RELEASE.
IT GIVES ME THE OPPORTUNITY
TO EXPRESS MYSELF.
IT GIVES ME THE CHANCE
TO FORGET YOU AND THE
MEMORY OF YOUR FATHER,
GOD REST HIM.
MOMS, I'M DEVOTED TO YOU.
- OH, DEVOTED BUT
NASTY. YOU'RE AN OSBORNE.
THE OLDER YOU GET THE NASTIER.
- WELL, THE CURSE
OF ARISTOCRACY.
- YOU KNOW, YOUR
GREAT GRANDFATHER
PHINEAS OSBORNE
III LIVED TO BE 94.
YOU KNOW WHAT HE DIED OF?
- WHAT, PRAY TELL?
- NASTINESS.
- MOMS, I NEED YOUR HELP.
- NATURALLY, WHAT
IS IT THIS TIME?
- I'M ABOUT TO LOSE A YOUNG
LADY TO A GROCER'S SON.
- OH, HOW DEGRADING.
- YOU MUST HELP ME WIN HER BACK
OR SHALL LIE DOWN ON THE FLOOR
AND HOLD MY BREATH
UNTIL I TURN PURPLE.
- THAT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA.
THAT'S THE WAY YOUR
FATHER WON ME, OF COURSE.
- MOMS, YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME.
- CHATSWORTH, I WILL NOT.
- VERY WELL. I'LL DO
IT MYSELF. VEDAGLIO.
- WELL, HE IS AN OSBORNE.
WHATEVER HE DOES I
KNOW IT'LL BE NASTY.
DOBIE, I THINK YOU BETTER
LEAVE BEFORE DADDY GETS MAD.
- HERE, I MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE.
AT HOME I'M SURE OF IT.
MY FATHER'S TEMPER'S NOT EXACTLY
- CHATSWORTH?
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE
THROUGH WITH HIM.
- I AM.
- THAT, MY PROUD BEAUTY,
REMAINS TO BE SEEN.
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE CHATSWORTH.
- MR. QUIMBY.
- YES, SIR.
- I AM CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
WHAT DOES THAT NAME MEAN TO YOU?
- THE 300 ACRE ESTATE
ON THE TOP OF THE HILL,
28 ROOMS, EIGHT BATHROOMS
SURROUNDED BY A 16 FOOT FENCE.
- WITH BROKEN GLASS
EMBEDDED IN THE TOP,
YES, YOU'VE HEARD OF US.
- I MOST CERTAINLY HAVE.
IS THERE ANYTHING I
CAN DO FOR YOU SIR?
ANYTHING AT ALL?
- THERE IS.
CAN YOU FILL THIS ORDER?
- OH, I'M SURE I CAN. I
CAVIAR TEN POUNDS?
- IMPORTED.
- ANCHOVIES.
- THE FINEST.
- ITALIAN CHEESES,
POLISH HAMS, PHEASANTS?
- PLUMP.
- PLUMP?
DO YOU REALIZE THIS ORDER
MUST BE WORTH AT LEAST $200?
- NATURALLY, WE DO NOT ENTERTAIN
THE BEER AND SKITTLES SECT.
- WELL, I CAN RUN RIGHT
DOWN TO THE WAREHOUSE
AND HAVE THIS ORDER
FILLED FOR YOU IMMEDIATELY,
MR. OSBORNE. OH, SIR.
- EXCELLENT,
AND WE WILL BRING
YOU A SIMILAR ORDER
AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK,
MORE OFTEN WHEN
THE CROWD RETURNS
FROM THE BERMUDA YACHT RACES.
- THANK YOU.
- DO YOU HEAR THAT, DELPHINE?
WE'RE ON OUR WAY.
WE'LL BE RICH AND PROSPEROUS.
NEW FUR COATS FOR YOUR
MOTHER. A TRIP TO FLORIDA.
- QUIET, MR. QUIMBY,
THERE IS ONE SMALL
CONDITION ATTACHED
TO THESE PROFITABLE ORDERS
WE INTEND TO PLACE WITH YOU.
- OH, ANYTHING,
SIR, ANYTHING AT ALL.
- I WOULD LIKE A DATE
WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.
- SURE THING, MY BOY.
DELPHINE, I WANT YOU
TO TAKE THE REST OF
THE DAY OFF FROM WORK.
I WANT YOU TO GO OUT WITH
THIS CHARMING, YOUNG MAN.
- I WILL NOT.
- SHE WILL NOT.
- WHO ASKED YOU?
- DELPHINE IS NOT TO
BE BOUGHT AND SOLD.
- I'M NOT A CHATTEL.
- NO.
- UPSTAIRS, CHATTEL,
AND PUT ON YOUR NEW DRESS.
- NO, DADDY.
- THE ONE I TOLD YOU I'D
THROW YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE
IF I EVER CAUGHT
YOU WEARING AGAIN.
- RIGHT, A RATHER
AMUSING CONTEST OF WILLS.
- MR. QUIMBY, I'M SHOCKED
THAT YOU WOULD TREAT
YOUR DAUGHTER IN SUCH A WAY.
- OH, PIPE DOWN.
- NEVER. THIS IS AMERICA
AND EVERY MAN AND
THAT MEANS BOYS, TOO...
HAVE TO FIGHT FOR THE WOMAN
OF HIS CHOICE ON EQUAL TERMS.
- OH, HAS CHATSWORTH
BEEN UPSETTING
THE WORKING CLASSES AGAIN?
- OH, THAT NASTY BOY!
- MRS. OSBORNE,
WHAT CHATSWORTH IS
DOING IS HORRIBLE AND WELL,
UN-AMERICAN.
- HORRIBLE, YES,
UN-AMERICAN, NO.
WHY OUR ANCESTORS
WERE HERE MONTHS BEFORE
THOSE JOHNNY-COME-LATELY
PILGRIMS.
- THAT'S JUST THE POINT.
THEY CAME OVER HERE
AND FOUGHT FOR FREEDOM.
TAKE THIS ANCESTOR.
OBVIOUSLY A FINE,
UPSTANDING SOLIDER
OF THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.
- HE ROWED THE BOAT
FOR BENEDICT ARNOLD.
- BUT LOOK AT THIS
WONDERFUL FACE,
A RUGGED INDIAN FIGHTER.
- THAT WAS GERONIMO OSBORNE.
- GERONIMO OSBORNE?
- HE JOINED THE APACHE TRIBE.
WYATT EARP HAD TO SHOOT HIM.
- I'LL BET THIS LITTLE
OLD LADY DID PLENTY
TO MAKE YOU PROUD OF HER.
- SHE WORKED FOR BETSY ROSS.
SHE KEPT TRYING TO CHANGE
THE COLOR OF THE FLAG
TO BLACK AND ORANGE.
THEY FINALLY GOT HER
FOR COUNTERFEITING.
MA OSBORNE, THEY CALLED HER.
SHE WAS A NASTY ONE.
GEE, I'M SORRY, MRS. OSBORNE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO DRAG OUT
ALL THE FAMILY BLACK SHEEP.
- BUT YOU HAVE, HAVEN'T YOU?
- YES, I HAVE, YEAH.
- WELL, BUT YOUR
POINT IS WELL-TAKEN.
- IT IS?
- WHERE BUT IN AMERICA
WOULD OUR BEASTLY RELATIVES
EVER HAVE THE FREEDOM
TO BEHAVE AS ABOMINABLY
AS THEY DID?
- TRUE.
- YES,
CHATSWORTH NEEDS A
KICK IN THE ANCESTORS.
- WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR
YOU TO COMPETE WITH HIM
ON EQUAL TERMS.
- MONEY
- IN OTHER WORDS WOULD A
SUBSTANTIAL GROCERY ORDER
EACH WEEK SERVE THE PURPOSE?
- WOULD IT, DAD
WOULD HAVE TO PAY ME
A SALARY TO HELP
FILL IT AND I'D BE ABLE
TO TAKE DELPHINE OUT.
- THEN SO BE IT,
THEN I SHALL DIVIDE MY GROCERIES
EQUALLY BETWEEN
QUIMBY AND GILLIS.
- OH, THANK YOU, MRS. OSBORNE.
YOU'RE A REAL HUMAN BEING.
- YES, NOW THIS
IS OLIVER OSBORNE
AT BUNKER HILL.
HE WASN'T THERE LONG ENOUGH
TO SEE THE WHITES OF THEIR EYES.
- AND SIX POUNDS
OF IMPORTED DATES.
- I'LL GOT OUT IN THE STORE
ROOM AND UNPACK THEM.
I GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU, BOY,
SINCE WE'VE BEEN GETTING
THESE OSBORNE ORDERS,
WE'RE IN TOP FINANCIAL SHAPE.
- EVEN WITH THE 50 CENTS
AN HOUR I'M PAYING YOU.
- YEAH, 75 CENTS AN HOUR.
- 75? NOW LISTEN...
- 75 CENTS AN HOUR,
HERBERT, I HEARD YOU PROMISE.
- OKAY, OKAY. BENEDICT ARNOLD.
- A FRIEND OF THE OSBORNE.
- HI, DOBIE, MRS. GILLIS.
- HELLO, DEAR.
- HI, DELPHINE.
SEE, DELPHINE, I'M SORRY
ABOUT THE DANCE TONIGHT
BUT WE'VE GOT TO GET MRS.
OSBORNE'S ORDERS FILLED.
- OH, THAT'S ALL
RIGHT. I UNDERSTAND.
I JUST DROPPED BY TO
TELL YOU HOW PROUD I AM
THAT YOU'RE HELPING
YOUR FATHER LIKE THIS.
- YEAH, WELL, IT'S
PARTLY LOYALTY
AND MOSTLY THE
MONEY HE'S PAYING ME
BUT IT'S FOR US, MY SWEET,
EVEN THOUGH IT'S KEEPING
US APART RIGHT NOW.
- I SAY COME ON, DELPHINE, BABY.
- YOU'RE GOING TO
THE DANCE WITH HIM?
- WELL, I WANTED TO
GO WITH YOU, DOBIE,
BUT YOU'RE SO BUSY
WORKING TONIGHT
WELL, WHAT COULD I DO?
- TA-TA, CHAP, HAPPY PACKING.
- MOM?
- WHAT, DEAR?
- I GOT TO KILL THAT
BOY. I JUST GOTTA.
- [ SCATTING ] HEY, GOOD BUDDY?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
WHAT SAY WE, LIKE, GO
DOWN TO THE MALT SHOP?
I CAN'T, MAYNARD, I'M WORKING.
I'M FILLING THIS ORDER
FOR MRS. OSBORNE.
- DOB, YOU'VE CHANGED.
- WELL, MAYBE IT'S A GOOD THING.
MAYBE YOU OUGHTA TRY IT, TOO.
HERE PUT ON AN APRON
AND COME TO WORK.
- OH, NO.
- YOU'VE ALREADY CHANGED.
NOW, IF I CHANGE
AND YOU'VE CHANGED,
HOW ARE WE GONNA
KNOW WHO WE ARE?
[ APPLAUSE ]
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
- ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN
SEARCHING FOR A GIRL,
THE GIRL.
I WANT HER TO BEAUTIFUL
AND SOFT AND PINK AND CREAMY
BUT IF SHE ISN'T SO BEAUTIFUL
I WON'T MIND TOO MUCH,
JUST SO LONG AS
SHE'S KIND TO ME.
AND IF SHE ISN'T KIND THAT
ISN'T TOO IMPORTANT, EITHER.
IN FACT, I'LL TAKE HER IF
SHE'S UGLY AND SORT OF MEAN
JUST SO LONG AS SHE'S A GIRL
BUT I HAVEN'T GOT
ONE CHANCE A MILLION
TO FIND A GIRL WHO'S LOVELY.
- THANK YOU.
- AND DESIRABLE.
- THANK YOU.
- AND ENCHANTING.
- THANK YOU.
- AND STRANGE.
- I'LL TAKE BACK THE THANK YOU.
- I ONLY MEANT THAT
YOU'RE A STRANGER
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
- OH, WELL, I JUST MOVED
INTO TOWN FROM CLEVELAND.
- OH, UNFORTUNATE,
UNHAPPY CLEVELAND.
FORTUNATE, HAPPY US.
- YOU'RE CHARMING.
- YOU ARE POETRY.
I'M DOBIE GILLIS.
MAY I BE YOUR SLAVE?
WELL, I'M DELPHINE QUIMBY. NO.
OH, PLEASE, DELPHINE?
- KEEP YOUR DISTANCE, CAVEMAN.
- YES, MY PRINCESS.
- DOBIE, ARE ALL THE BOYS
AROUND HERE LIKE YOU?
- I THINK YOU CAN SAFELY
SAY THAT I'M ONE OF A KIND.
- WELL, I THINK YOU
CAN SAFELY SAY
THAT THE OTHER BOYS ARE GLAD.
- OH, HELLO, CHATSWORTH.
KEEP IN TOUCH, CHATSWORTH.
- AREN'T YOU GOING
TO INTRODUCE ME
TO YOUR FRIEND?
- WHICH FRIEND?
- THE DELIGHTFUL YOUNG CREATURE
YOU'RE TRYING TO
KEEP ME FROM SEEING.
- WHICH DELIGHTFUL
YOUNG CREATURE
I'M TRYING TO KEEP
YOU FROM SEEING?
- THIS ONE.
- CHATSWORTH.
- HELLO THERE. I'M
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE JUNIOR,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?
- OH, BOY WHAT A CORNY APPROACH.
- WELL, I'M PLEASED TO
MEET YOU, CHATSWORTH.
I'M DELPHINE QUIMBY.
- CORNY BUT EFFECTIVE.
AS ONE OF THIS TOWN'S
MORE IMMANENT PERSONALITIES
MAY I OFFER MY ASSISTANCE
TO OUR DELIGHTFUL NEW COMER?
- WELL, I DO HAVE TO FIND
THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE
AND REGISTER IN SCHOOL.
- WELL, I SHALL BE
PLEASED TO ESCORT YOU.
- YOU'RE NOT, JUST A
MINUTE, CHATSWORTH,
JUST A DARN MINUTE.
I SAW HER FIRST.
- SO?
- SO MAYBE SHE'D RATHER
HAVE ME ESCORT HER
TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
- HMM, I MUST ADMIT YOU
ARE BETTER QUALIFIED.
- OF COURSE.
- THE POOR CHAP
SPENDS HAVE HIS LIFE
IN THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE
EXPLAINING HIS GRADES.
- CHATSWORTH!
- ONE MORE FLUNK
AND THEY'RE GOING
TO MAKE HIM PAY RENT.
- NEVER MIND.
DELPHINE, WHICH OF US
DO YOU WANNA GO WITH?
- SO DIFFICULT TO MAKE A CHOICE.
- IT CERTAINLY IS.
ON THE ONE HAND
WE HAVE A DEBONAIR,
SOPHISTICATED MAN OF THE
WORLD AND ON THE OTHER,
DOBIE GILLIS, SOME IN SHORTS.
- WELL
- I'LL DRIVE YOU THERE
IN MY NEW CONVERTIBLE.
IT'S IMPORTED, OF COURSE.
GILLIS, BABY, WHAT
MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION
DO YOU INTEND TO USE?
- WALKING IS WONDERFUL EXERCISE.
IT BUILDS UP THE CALVES.
- HOW QUAINT.
THEN LATER MY DEAR WE
SHALL DROP IN AT THE MALT SHOP
WHERE I HAVE AN
UNLIMITED CHARGE ACCOUNT.
WOULD YOU CARE TO
SEE MY CREDIT CARDS?
- CREDIT CARDS.
- GILLIS, BABY,
HAVE YOU PAID THE
25 CENTS YOU OWE
OR ARE YOU STILL BARRED
FROM THE MALT SHOP
AS A DEADBEAT?
COME, MY PET.
ON THE WAY WE'LL RUN THE TOP
OF MY CONVERTIBLE UP AND DOWN.
IT'S SCADS OF FUN.
- BYE DOBIE, SORRY.
- SHE'S SORRY?
WHAT ABOUT ME?
I MEAN, THE WAY I TURNED CHICKEN
I COULD'VE BEEN PLUCKED AND SOLD
BY THE POUND AT
SOME POULTRY MARKET
BUT HOW DO YOU FIGHT A FELLOW
LIKE CHATSWORTH OSBORNE JUNIOR?
HE'S SMOOTH AND
HE HAS A FANCY CAR
AND ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD
AND THE GIRLS KEEP
FLOCKING AROUND HIM.
YOU KNOW, THE HATEFUL TYPE.
WHAT COULD I DO TO
COMPETE WITH HIM?
- YOU CAN FIGHT BACK IN A GOOD,
CLEAN, FAIR, RED
BLOODED, AMERICAN WAY
LIKE KICKING HIS TEETH IN.
THAT'S WHAT YOU CAN DO.
YOU ARE HERBERT
T. GILLIS'S SON, SON
AND JUST AS GOOD AS ANY
MAN JACK IN THAT SCHOOL.
THIS IS IS AMERICA
AND EVERY FELLOW
IN THIS COUNTRY HAS GOT
TO GET IT THROUGH HIS HEAD
THAT HE'S JUST AS GOOD
AS EVERY OTHER FELLOW.
DON'T LET NOBODY
SHOVE YOU AROUND.
DON'T LET NOBODY SCARE YOU.
TALK BACK WHEN YOU
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.
- DAD
- SPEAK UP... PIPE DOWN,
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TALKING?
- WHY DO YOU THINK I ANSWERED
MY COUNTRY'S CALL TO DUTY
BACK IN' 42 AND PULLED
MYSELF UP BY MY BOOTSTRAPS
TO BE A FIRST SERGEANT WITH
THE GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL.
I'LL TELL YOU WHY,
SO THAT VERY SMART,
CLEAR THINKING KID
AND BOYS LIKE YOU, TOO, DOBIE
COULD BOO THE
UMPIRE AND RUB ELBOWS
WITH THE RICH MILLIONAIRES
FROM THE BIG HOUSES
UP ON THE HILL
AND LIVE LIKE WE'VE BEEN
LIVING IN THIS COUNTRY
EVER SINCE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS
FIRST SET FOOT ON PLYMOUTH ROCK.
- QUIET, WINNIE, RIGHT NOW
THAT ALL MEN EQUAL
STUFF DON'T APPLY TO HIM.
- DAD, I APPRECIATE YOUR
ADVICE BUT I HAVEN'T GOT A CHANCE
AGAINST CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE JUNIOR.
HE'S TOO MUCH COMPETITION.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH A
LITTLE HONEST COMPETITION?
- DOBIE, DEAR, WOULD
YOU WANT A GIRL
THAT NOBODY ELSE WANTED?
- WHO WOULD? BUT THAT'S
SURE THE DEAD END STREET
I'M HEADED FOR NOW.
- OH, NONSENSE.
YOU'RE A FINE BOY
AND YOU CAN COMPETE
ON AN EQUAL FOOTING
WITH ANYBODY FOR A GIRL
OR A JOB OR ANYTHING
YOU WANT FROM THIS WORLD.
- RIGHT. A GOOD FIGHT
IS HEALTHY FOR YOU.
IT'S LIKE GETTING ON A BUS, SEE?
EVERYBODY GETS ON TOGETHER,
MEN, WOMEN, AND CHILDREN
AND THEN THEY SEE A VACANCY
AND THEY ALL RACE
FOR IT ON EQUAL TERMS.
THAT'S THE DEMOCRATIC WAY.
- IT MAY COME AS A SHOCK TO
YOU BUT WHEN YOUR FATHER
WAS COURTING ME
HE FACED QUITE A
BIT OF COMPETITION.
- I SURE DID. AND I WON.
- HONEST?
- WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES THAT MAKE, I WON?
- OH, I GOT A LITTLE
SNEAKY ONCE IN A WHILE
LIKE THE NIGHT I
DRAINED THE GAS TANK
ON FRED CLAUSES' RIO
WHEN HE WAS GONNA TAKE
YOUR MOTHER TO THE BOX SOCIAL
AND I JUST HAPPENED
TO DRIVE BY IN MY ESSEX.
- WHY HERBERT, YOU DEVIL.
- YEAH, WASN'T I?
OH, MOSTLY IT WAS MARQUESS
OF QUEENSBERRY RULE, SON,
BUT WHEN I SEEN
SOMETHING I WANTED
I WENT OUT AND GRABBED
IT AND THAT FRED CLAUSE
WEIGHED 250 POUNDS AND
CAME FROM A MEAN FAMILY.
- DAD, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M GONNA FIGHT FOR
THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS.
I'LL BE A CHIP OFF
THE OLD BLOCK.
- ATTA BOY, YOUNG
CHIP AND REMEMBER,
YOU CAN ALWAYS COME TO ME
WHEN YOU THINK YOU NEED ADVICE
FROM THE OLD BLOCK'S HEAD.
IT'S A COMFORT
TO LEARN THAT PARENTS
SERVE SOME PURPOSE IN LIFE
HOWEVER SMALL.
- HE'S A NICE BOY.
- WELL, YOU GET USED TO HIM.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
- HUGHES' GROCERIES,
OH, HELLO, EMILY.
- THE BACK FENCE
BROADCASTING SYSTEM.
- FINE, WHAT'S NEW, EMILY?
- GEORGE COOT IS
GETTING A PROMOTION.
- OH, GOOD OLD
GEORGE, WHOEVER HE IS.
- BUT HIS WIFE CAUGHT HIM
COMING INTO THE HOUSE
AT 2:00 THIS MORNING.
- POOR OLD GEORGE.
- GEORGE GOT A
TERRIBLE BALLING OUT
AND A NEW GROCERY STORE IS
OPENING UP ON FRISBEE STREET.
- POOR OLD GEORGE
AND A NEW GROCERY STORE IS
OPENING UP ON FRISBEE STREET?
- IT'S CALLED QUIMBY'S
AND IT'S OPENING ON FRIDAY.
- WHY THERE'S HARDLY
ENOUGH BUSINESS
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD
FOR ONE GROCERY STORE.
POOR HOUSE HERE WE COME.
- OH, MRS. FROBUSH'S
BABY IS HAVING THE COLIC
FOR THE THIRD DAY IN A ROW.
- DROP MRS. FROBUSH'S BABY.
- CALM DOWN, HERBERT!
- CALM DOWN, HERBERT?
FOR 14 YEARS I'VE BEEN
SWEATING AND SLAVING
IN THIS STORE,
GETTING UP EVERY
MORNING AT 5:00 IN THE A.M.
STRIVING AND WHEEDLING
AND TRYING TO SCROUNGE A
FEW EXTRA, MISERABLE BUCKS
OUT OF THE TIGHTWADS
THAT LIVE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD
AND NOW HERE WE ARE
READY TO LOSE EVERYTHING
AND ALL YOU CAN THINK OF TO SAY
IS "CALM DOWN,
HERBERT. CALM DOWN!"
- WELL, THEN I HAVE
ANOTHER SUGGESTION.
- WHAT?
- GET EXCITED.
- NOW, LISTEN IT
DOESN'T OKAY, OKAY,
BUT I GOT A RIGHT
TO GET EXCITED.
WHY THAT NEW
GROCERY STORE'S GONNA
STEAL THE CUSTOMERS
RIGHT OUT OF OUR MOUTHS.
- WELL, YOU SAID YOURSELF
THAT COMPETITION IS HEALTHY.
- FOR OTHER PEOPLE, NOT FOR ME.
- NOW, LOOK, HERBERT, I'M
WORRIED ABOUT THIS, TOO,
BUT IF THIS QUIMBY
STORE IS HERE, IT'S HERE.
YOU CAN'T YELL IT
OUT OF EXISTENCE.
- I CAN TRY.
- I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.
- WHAT?
- WHY DON'T YOU
GO OVER TO QUIMBY
AND WELCOME HIM
AND GET A LOOK AT THE PRICES
THAT HE'S TRYING TO CHARGE
AND DON'T LET HIM
KNOW WHO YOU ARE?
- IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA GO
TRAIPSING OVER TO THAT BROKEN,
OH, NO, THAT'S A PRETTY SHREWD,
UNDERHANDED IDEA, WINNIE.
- WELL, I'M A PRETTY SHREWD,
UNDERHANDED CHARACTER.
I WISH I WAS A SHREWD AND
UNDERHANDED CHARACTER.
BUT I'M OPEN AND
HONEST AND FULL OF LOVE,
LOVE FOR DELPHINE QUIMBY.
OH, DELPHINE,
WHEN I THINK OF HER
I FEEL STRONG AND SURE.
NO LONGER AM I TOSSED
ABOUT WILLY-NILLY
LIKE AN AIMLESS, DRIFTING
PIECE OF WRECKAGE.
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HELLO, MAYNARD.
- HEY, DOB, YOU'RE, KIND
OF, HOT AND BOTHERED.
YOU GOT, LIKE, A
FEVER OR SOMETHING?
- OH, NO, MAYNARD, NO.
I'M IN LOVE AND LOVE HAS
MADE MY WHOLE INNER BEING
WARM AND GLOWING.
- MAN, WHY WASTE ALL THE HEAT
ON A CHICK WHEN YOU COULD, LIKE,
PUT IT TO GOOD USE AND
BURN DOWN THE SCHOOL?
- WELL, NOW, MAYNARD,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I LIKE FEELING WARM INSIDE.
THE ONLY TROUBLE IS
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
IS AFTER THIS GIRL, TOO.
- THAT SQUARE?
- YEAH,
I JUST WISH I COULD
SHOW DELPHINE
THAT HE'S NOT AS
GOOD AS HE SAYS HE IS.
- YEAH, HEY, I HAPPEN
TO KNOW HE, LIKE, CHEATS
ON HIS SCHOOL WORK.
- HE DOES? HOW, HOW?
- HE, LIKE, STUDIES.
- THANKS, MAYNARD,
YOU'VE BEEN VERY HELPFUL.
- I OWE IT TO YOU.
YOU'RE, LIKE, MY GOOD BUDDY.
- I GOT DELPHINE'S ADDRESS
FROM THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE.
I'M GOING OVER TO HER HOUSE NOW
AND GIVE CHATSWORTH
A REAL FIGHT.
IT'S THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE.
- YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.
THE SURVIVAL OF THE FATTEST.
- YEAH.
- THAT'S FITTEST.
- YEAH, FITTEST.
- YOU SEE, MAYNARD,
IN THIS WORLD
THERE ARE THE HAVES
AND THE HAVE-NOTS
AND THE HAVE-NOTS MUST FIGHT
TO GET WHAT THEY
WANT FROM THE HAVES.
- YEAH, LIKE, TWO DOGS
BARKING AND GROWLING
OVER THE SAME BONE.
- YEAH, THAT'S GOOD,
MAYNARD, YOU SEE...
- OR A COUPLE OF
SQUIRRELS CROSSING TAILS
OVER THE SAME NUT.
- OR TWO ROBIN RED
BREASTS BATTING WINGS
OVER ONE, DINKY LITTLE NEST.
- YEAH, TAKE OWLS...
- OWLS?
- THERE'S ONLY ROOM
IN THEM BRANCHES
FOR ONE OWL TO SIT
AROUND MUMBLING
HOOT-HOOT.
DON'T STOP, NO, NO. MAYNARD
- THEY KEEP DOING
THAT UNTIL ONE OF THEM
WINDS UP THE CHAMPION HOOTER.
- YEAH,
NOW MAYNARD...
- OR DUCKS,
LOOK HOW THEY FLY IN
A V-SHAPE FORMATIONS.
ONLY ONE LITTLE QUACK
AND THE LEADER
CAN BE OUT IN FRONT
LEADING THE BUNCH...
- MAYNARD...
- BUT THEY FLAP
AROUND AND THEY QUACK
UNTIL THEY PICK A DUCK LEADER.
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH, ENOUGH.
- HOW ABOUT TUNA FISH?
- NOW, CUT THAT OUT!
I GOT TO GET OVER TO DELPHINE'S.
- YEAH, I THINK I'LL
GO ALONG WITH YOU.
MAYBE SHE'D LIKE TO
HEAR ABOUT THE TUNA FISH.
OH, YEAH, THIS IS IT, QUIMBY'S.
I GUESS DELPHINE'S
FATHER RUNS THE STORE.
- MAN, WHAT A LUCKY CAT.
FINDING A PAD WITH HIS NAME
ALREADY PAINTED ON THE DOOR.
- THAT'S RIGHT, MAYNARD.
HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?
- LIKE, HI, SIR.
- I'M SORRY, BOYS. THE
STORE ISN'T OPEN YET.
- SURE IT IS. WE JUST
CAME THROUGH THE DOOR.
- NO, NO, I MEAN IT ISN'T
OPEN FOR BUSINESS.
- WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. WE
NEVER HAVE ENOUGH LOOT TO,
LIKE, BUY ANYTHING ANYWAY.
- MAYNARD!
- YOU LIVE IN THIS
NEIGHBORHOOD, BOY?
- I LIKE TO BE NEAR MY FAMILY.
- ARE THEY ALL LIKE YOU?
- YES, SIR, EXCEPT MY MOTHER.
SHE'S, LIKE, SHORTER.
- MAYBE I WAS A LITTLE TOO HASTY
WHEN I MOVED AWAY
FROM CLEVELAND.
- YES, SIR, I JUST CAME
IN TO SEE DELPHINE.
I'M DOBIE GILLIS.
- WELL, HELLO. I'M
DELPHINE'S FATHER.
- HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?
- I'M MAYNARD G. KREBS
AND MY FATHER ISN'T
MUCH LIKE ME EITHER.
HE'S, LIKE, LEFT-HANDED.
- GILLIS, GILLIS,
YOU LIVE AROUND HERE, TOO?
- YES, SIR, MY DAD
OWNS GILLIS'S GROCERY
OVER ON NORWOOD STREET.
- OH.
- WHAT KIND OF A STORE
ARE YOU OPENING?
- WELL, I - OPEN YOUR EYES, MAN,
THEY'RE, LIKE, SELLING BOXES.
- WE'RE SELLING BOXES?
OH, YOU'VE GOT IT UP HERE, BOY.
- HI, DOBIE.
- OH, HI, DELPHINE.
THIS IS MY FRIEND
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- HOW DO YOU DO, MAYNARD?
- LIKE, HI.
- MAYNARD'S JUST LEAVING.
- I AM?
- YES, MAYNARD, DELPHINE AND I
HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT
MATTER TO DISCUSS.
- WE DO?
- YOU BET WE DO.
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
MAY HAVE WON THE FIRST
ROUND THIS AFTERNOON
BUT I HAVE ONLY BEGUN TO FIGHT.
- YEAH, GOOD BUDDY.
- MAYNARD, YOU WERE LEAVING.
- OH, JUST WHEN THINGS
WERE STARTING TO SWING.
DO I, LIKE, HAVE TO?
- YOU LIKE HAVE TO
LIKE, SO LONG.
- LIKE, LIKEWISE.
- DELPHINE, MY
GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL,
WE LIVE BY THE
LAW OF THE JUNGLE.
NOW THAT I'VE FOUND YOU,
COMPETITION WILL ONLY SPUR
ME ON TO GREATER EFFORTS.
- LIKE, HI, MR. GILLIS.
- THAT COOKIE, YOU
DIDN'T BY ANY CHANCE
BUY IT AT QUIMBY'S
GROCERY STORE, DID YOU?
- OH, NO, SIR. I'M ALWAYS, LIKE,
TWO TAPPED TO BUY ANYTHING,
SO I ALWAYS SHOP AT YOUR PLACE.
- GROCERY STORE?
- YEAH, I'M ON MY WAY
OVER THERE RIGHT NOW
TO FIND OUT WHAT
THAT CROOK IS UP TO.
- OH, LIKE, STOP
MR. GILLIS. DON'T GO.
- LET GO OF ME. LET GO OF ME!
- IT'S, LIKE, A DANGEROUS
NEIGHBORHOOD, MR. GILLIS.
THEY'RE EXPECTING,
LIKE, A TYPHOON
OR A HURRICANE OR AN
EARTHQUAKE OR MAYBE BOTH.
- MAYNARD, THEY OUGHT
TO DECLARE YOUR HEAD
A DISASTER AREA.
- OH, DOBIE, I'M SO
GLAD I FOUND YOU.
I COULD NEVER BE INTERESTED
IN BOY AS CONCEITED
AS THAT CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.
THERE, THAT'S A LOVER'S KNOT.
- OH, REALLY?
DELPHINE, YOU'RE AS
SMART ON THE INSIDE
AS YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
ON THE OUTSIDE.
- OH, BOYS LIKE HIM
ARE SO SHALLOW
AND SELF-SATISFYING.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- WOULD YOU HELP ME
WITH THIS BREAKFAST
FOOD CARTON, PLEASE.
- I AM AT YOUR COMMAND
MY SOFT, PINK ANGEL.
- I MEAN, I'VE HAD ENOUGH
OF THOSE SHIFTLESS
PLAYBOYS IN CLEVELAND.
- I MEAN, WHEN A GIRL REACHES
17 AND BECOMES MATURE
SHE PREFERS THE MORE
MODEST, SINCERE TYPE.
- YEAH.
- AND NOW THE KETCHUP BOTTLES.
- OF COURSE.
DELPHINE, I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG
BUT I HAVE A REPUTATION
OF BEING ONE OF THE TRULY
MODEST SINCERE TYPES
IN THE NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT.
- I KNEW THAT THE
MOMENT I SAW YOU, DOBIE.
- YEAH, HERE, LET ME
STACK THESE CRACKERS
FOR YOU, MY SWEET.
YOU SEE DEL... CRACKERS,
KETCHUP, BREAKFAST FOOD...
DELPHINE, WHAT KIND
OF A STORE IS THIS?
NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH
YOU? IT'S A GROCERY STORE.
- I ASKED YOU NOT TO TELL ME.
- DOBIE, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU.
YOU'RE ACTING VERY STRANGELY.
- I'VE DEVOTED A
LIFETIME AVOIDING THIS
IN MY FATHER'S STORE
AND HERE IT JUST SNUCK UP ON ME.
- DOBIE!
- MY FATHER WILL MURDER ME.
I GOT TO GET OUT
OF HERE. MAYNARD,
WOULD YOU PLEASE
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
- YOUR FATHER...
- MAYNARD, WHATEVER YOU'RE
TRYING TO TELL ME IT CAN WAIT.
- HE IT CAN WAIT NOW.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M ONE OF YOUR NEW, NEIGHBORLY
NEIGHBORS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
- OH, HOW DO YOU DO, SIR.
WE DON'T OPEN THE
STORE TILL FRIDAY.
- WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I JUST DROPPED IN
TO LOOK AROUND.
- WELL, BE MY GUEST.
- HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE TO
PAY A KID LIKE THAT TO WORK HERE.
- OH, WE DON'T PAY HIM ANYTHING.
- WOULDN'T THAT FROST YOU?
I RAISED MY OWN HELP
AND I DON'T GET
THAT KIND OF A BREAK.
- HOW DOES THE
STORE LOOK TO YOU, SIR.
- OKAY, OKAY.
- SAY, HOW MUCH YOU
GETTING FOR THIS SOAP HERE?
- WHICH SOAP?
- THIS ONE?
- OH, THAT BRAND IS
SELLING FOR 38 CENTS A BOX.
- 38 CENTS A BOX?
WHY, YOU COULD CHARGE 45
AND GET RID OF EVERY
BOX IN THE STORE.
- 45 CENTS? ISN'T THAT
A LITTLE OVERPRICED?
- WELL, THE GROCER
OVER ON THE NEXT STREET
IS CHARGING 50.
- GILLIS?
- OF COURSE, HE IS
SUCH A BELOVED FIGURE
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
THAT THE CUSTOMERS
JUST PAY HIM ANYTHING HE ASKS.
HOWEVER, IF YOU WERE
TO SHOW THEM A BARGAIN,
WHO CAN TELL?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
IF MY CUSTOMERS FIND ME
CHARGING SUCH EXORBITANT PRICES
THEY MIGHT WALK OUT OF HERE
AND NEVER COME BACK AGAIN.
- TRY THEM.
I'M ONLY SUGGESTING
IT FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
YOU ARE A FINE CITIZEN.
- AND A VETERAN.
- HOW MUCH YOU GETTING
FOR THESE PEACHES?
- 21 CENTS A CAN.
GILLIS IS GETTING 30.
- NO.
- YES, WHY, YOU COULD CHARGE
28 FOR THESE AND CLEAN UP.
- WELL, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, MR...
- DOBBS, FRED C. DOBBS, YES.
- YOU'VE BEEN A BIG HELP.
- OH, THAT'S OKAY.
I DON'T MIND HELPING
OUT WHEN YOU'RE JUST...
- DOBBS IS THE
NAME, FRED C.DOBBS.
I'M JUST A CIVIC MINDED CITIZEN
CHECKING ON BUSINESS CONDITIONS
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
- OH, YES, SIR I
UNDERSTAND MR...
- DOBBS, FRED C.DOBBS.
I'M IN PLUMBING.
- YOU HAVE ANYMORE
SUGGESTIONS, MR. DOBBS?
- YEAH, CHARGE A $1.98 FOR LIVER
AND YOUR CUSTOMERS WILL
NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU.
- EVERYBODY ELSE GETS
A DOLLAR AND A QUARTER?
- GILLIS IS GETTING THREE BUCKS.
GOODBYE, MR. QUIMBY,
AND GOOD LUCK.
- THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, MR. GILLIS.
- AFTERNOON, MA.
CHARMING, DOES IT HAVE A NAME?
- THIS? IT'S CALLED UNTITLED.
- FASCINATING.
WHAT DOES IT REPRESENT?
- HOW DO I KNOW?
IT'S CALLED
UNTITLED - OF COURSE.
- CHATSWORTH,
PAINTING IS BEGINNING
TO MEAN A GREAT DEAL TO ME.
- I QUITE UNDERSTAND, MATHER.
- IT'S AN EMOTIONAL RELEASE.
IT GIVES ME THE OPPORTUNITY
TO EXPRESS MYSELF.
IT GIVES ME THE CHANCE
TO FORGET YOU AND THE
MEMORY OF YOUR FATHER,
GOD REST HIM.
MOMS, I'M DEVOTED TO YOU.
- OH, DEVOTED BUT
NASTY. YOU'RE AN OSBORNE.
THE OLDER YOU GET THE NASTIER.
- WELL, THE CURSE
OF ARISTOCRACY.
- YOU KNOW, YOUR
GREAT GRANDFATHER
PHINEAS OSBORNE
III LIVED TO BE 94.
YOU KNOW WHAT HE DIED OF?
- WHAT, PRAY TELL?
- NASTINESS.
- MOMS, I NEED YOUR HELP.
- NATURALLY, WHAT
IS IT THIS TIME?
- I'M ABOUT TO LOSE A YOUNG
LADY TO A GROCER'S SON.
- OH, HOW DEGRADING.
- YOU MUST HELP ME WIN HER BACK
OR SHALL LIE DOWN ON THE FLOOR
AND HOLD MY BREATH
UNTIL I TURN PURPLE.
- THAT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA.
THAT'S THE WAY YOUR
FATHER WON ME, OF COURSE.
- MOMS, YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME.
- CHATSWORTH, I WILL NOT.
- VERY WELL. I'LL DO
IT MYSELF. VEDAGLIO.
- WELL, HE IS AN OSBORNE.
WHATEVER HE DOES I
KNOW IT'LL BE NASTY.
DOBIE, I THINK YOU BETTER
LEAVE BEFORE DADDY GETS MAD.
- HERE, I MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE.
AT HOME I'M SURE OF IT.
MY FATHER'S TEMPER'S NOT EXACTLY
- CHATSWORTH?
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE
THROUGH WITH HIM.
- I AM.
- THAT, MY PROUD BEAUTY,
REMAINS TO BE SEEN.
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE CHATSWORTH.
- MR. QUIMBY.
- YES, SIR.
- I AM CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
WHAT DOES THAT NAME MEAN TO YOU?
- THE 300 ACRE ESTATE
ON THE TOP OF THE HILL,
28 ROOMS, EIGHT BATHROOMS
SURROUNDED BY A 16 FOOT FENCE.
- WITH BROKEN GLASS
EMBEDDED IN THE TOP,
YES, YOU'VE HEARD OF US.
- I MOST CERTAINLY HAVE.
IS THERE ANYTHING I
CAN DO FOR YOU SIR?
ANYTHING AT ALL?
- THERE IS.
CAN YOU FILL THIS ORDER?
- OH, I'M SURE I CAN. I
CAVIAR TEN POUNDS?
- IMPORTED.
- ANCHOVIES.
- THE FINEST.
- ITALIAN CHEESES,
POLISH HAMS, PHEASANTS?
- PLUMP.
- PLUMP?
DO YOU REALIZE THIS ORDER
MUST BE WORTH AT LEAST $200?
- NATURALLY, WE DO NOT ENTERTAIN
THE BEER AND SKITTLES SECT.
- WELL, I CAN RUN RIGHT
DOWN TO THE WAREHOUSE
AND HAVE THIS ORDER
FILLED FOR YOU IMMEDIATELY,
MR. OSBORNE. OH, SIR.
- EXCELLENT,
AND WE WILL BRING
YOU A SIMILAR ORDER
AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK,
MORE OFTEN WHEN
THE CROWD RETURNS
FROM THE BERMUDA YACHT RACES.
- THANK YOU.
- DO YOU HEAR THAT, DELPHINE?
WE'RE ON OUR WAY.
WE'LL BE RICH AND PROSPEROUS.
NEW FUR COATS FOR YOUR
MOTHER. A TRIP TO FLORIDA.
- QUIET, MR. QUIMBY,
THERE IS ONE SMALL
CONDITION ATTACHED
TO THESE PROFITABLE ORDERS
WE INTEND TO PLACE WITH YOU.
- OH, ANYTHING,
SIR, ANYTHING AT ALL.
- I WOULD LIKE A DATE
WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.
- SURE THING, MY BOY.
DELPHINE, I WANT YOU
TO TAKE THE REST OF
THE DAY OFF FROM WORK.
I WANT YOU TO GO OUT WITH
THIS CHARMING, YOUNG MAN.
- I WILL NOT.
- SHE WILL NOT.
- WHO ASKED YOU?
- DELPHINE IS NOT TO
BE BOUGHT AND SOLD.
- I'M NOT A CHATTEL.
- NO.
- UPSTAIRS, CHATTEL,
AND PUT ON YOUR NEW DRESS.
- NO, DADDY.
- THE ONE I TOLD YOU I'D
THROW YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE
IF I EVER CAUGHT
YOU WEARING AGAIN.
- RIGHT, A RATHER
AMUSING CONTEST OF WILLS.
- MR. QUIMBY, I'M SHOCKED
THAT YOU WOULD TREAT
YOUR DAUGHTER IN SUCH A WAY.
- OH, PIPE DOWN.
- NEVER. THIS IS AMERICA
AND EVERY MAN AND
THAT MEANS BOYS, TOO...
HAVE TO FIGHT FOR THE WOMAN
OF HIS CHOICE ON EQUAL TERMS.
- OH, HAS CHATSWORTH
BEEN UPSETTING
THE WORKING CLASSES AGAIN?
- OH, THAT NASTY BOY!
- MRS. OSBORNE,
WHAT CHATSWORTH IS
DOING IS HORRIBLE AND WELL,
UN-AMERICAN.
- HORRIBLE, YES,
UN-AMERICAN, NO.
WHY OUR ANCESTORS
WERE HERE MONTHS BEFORE
THOSE JOHNNY-COME-LATELY
PILGRIMS.
- THAT'S JUST THE POINT.
THEY CAME OVER HERE
AND FOUGHT FOR FREEDOM.
TAKE THIS ANCESTOR.
OBVIOUSLY A FINE,
UPSTANDING SOLIDER
OF THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.
- HE ROWED THE BOAT
FOR BENEDICT ARNOLD.
- BUT LOOK AT THIS
WONDERFUL FACE,
A RUGGED INDIAN FIGHTER.
- THAT WAS GERONIMO OSBORNE.
- GERONIMO OSBORNE?
- HE JOINED THE APACHE TRIBE.
WYATT EARP HAD TO SHOOT HIM.
- I'LL BET THIS LITTLE
OLD LADY DID PLENTY
TO MAKE YOU PROUD OF HER.
- SHE WORKED FOR BETSY ROSS.
SHE KEPT TRYING TO CHANGE
THE COLOR OF THE FLAG
TO BLACK AND ORANGE.
THEY FINALLY GOT HER
FOR COUNTERFEITING.
MA OSBORNE, THEY CALLED HER.
SHE WAS A NASTY ONE.
GEE, I'M SORRY, MRS. OSBORNE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO DRAG OUT
ALL THE FAMILY BLACK SHEEP.
- BUT YOU HAVE, HAVEN'T YOU?
- YES, I HAVE, YEAH.
- WELL, BUT YOUR
POINT IS WELL-TAKEN.
- IT IS?
- WHERE BUT IN AMERICA
WOULD OUR BEASTLY RELATIVES
EVER HAVE THE FREEDOM
TO BEHAVE AS ABOMINABLY
AS THEY DID?
- TRUE.
- YES,
CHATSWORTH NEEDS A
KICK IN THE ANCESTORS.
- WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR
YOU TO COMPETE WITH HIM
ON EQUAL TERMS.
- MONEY
- IN OTHER WORDS WOULD A
SUBSTANTIAL GROCERY ORDER
EACH WEEK SERVE THE PURPOSE?
- WOULD IT, DAD
WOULD HAVE TO PAY ME
A SALARY TO HELP
FILL IT AND I'D BE ABLE
TO TAKE DELPHINE OUT.
- THEN SO BE IT,
THEN I SHALL DIVIDE MY GROCERIES
EQUALLY BETWEEN
QUIMBY AND GILLIS.
- OH, THANK YOU, MRS. OSBORNE.
YOU'RE A REAL HUMAN BEING.
- YES, NOW THIS
IS OLIVER OSBORNE
AT BUNKER HILL.
HE WASN'T THERE LONG ENOUGH
TO SEE THE WHITES OF THEIR EYES.
- AND SIX POUNDS
OF IMPORTED DATES.
- I'LL GOT OUT IN THE STORE
ROOM AND UNPACK THEM.
I GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU, BOY,
SINCE WE'VE BEEN GETTING
THESE OSBORNE ORDERS,
WE'RE IN TOP FINANCIAL SHAPE.
- EVEN WITH THE 50 CENTS
AN HOUR I'M PAYING YOU.
- YEAH, 75 CENTS AN HOUR.
- 75? NOW LISTEN...
- 75 CENTS AN HOUR,
HERBERT, I HEARD YOU PROMISE.
- OKAY, OKAY. BENEDICT ARNOLD.
- A FRIEND OF THE OSBORNE.
- HI, DOBIE, MRS. GILLIS.
- HELLO, DEAR.
- HI, DELPHINE.
SEE, DELPHINE, I'M SORRY
ABOUT THE DANCE TONIGHT
BUT WE'VE GOT TO GET MRS.
OSBORNE'S ORDERS FILLED.
- OH, THAT'S ALL
RIGHT. I UNDERSTAND.
I JUST DROPPED BY TO
TELL YOU HOW PROUD I AM
THAT YOU'RE HELPING
YOUR FATHER LIKE THIS.
- YEAH, WELL, IT'S
PARTLY LOYALTY
AND MOSTLY THE
MONEY HE'S PAYING ME
BUT IT'S FOR US, MY SWEET,
EVEN THOUGH IT'S KEEPING
US APART RIGHT NOW.
- I SAY COME ON, DELPHINE, BABY.
- YOU'RE GOING TO
THE DANCE WITH HIM?
- WELL, I WANTED TO
GO WITH YOU, DOBIE,
BUT YOU'RE SO BUSY
WORKING TONIGHT
WELL, WHAT COULD I DO?
- TA-TA, CHAP, HAPPY PACKING.
- MOM?
- WHAT, DEAR?
- I GOT TO KILL THAT
BOY. I JUST GOTTA.
- [ SCATTING ] HEY, GOOD BUDDY?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
WHAT SAY WE, LIKE, GO
DOWN TO THE MALT SHOP?
I CAN'T, MAYNARD, I'M WORKING.
I'M FILLING THIS ORDER
FOR MRS. OSBORNE.
- DOB, YOU'VE CHANGED.
- WELL, MAYBE IT'S A GOOD THING.
MAYBE YOU OUGHTA TRY IT, TOO.
HERE PUT ON AN APRON
AND COME TO WORK.
- OH, NO.
- YOU'VE ALREADY CHANGED.
NOW, IF I CHANGE
AND YOU'VE CHANGED,
HOW ARE WE GONNA
KNOW WHO WE ARE?
[ APPLAUSE ]