The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 27 - The Prettiest Collateral in Town - full transcript
To help his father's chances of securing a loan, Dobie agrees to date the banker's spoiled-brat daughter.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
- I'M SCARED.
I'D BETTER DO SOMETHING
QUICK OR I'M IN BIG TROUBLE.
WHAT AM I SCARED ABOUT?
I CAN GIVE YOU THE ANSWER
IN TWO SIMPLE WORDS:
MELISSA FROME.
AH, SOFT, PINK, CREAMY,
BEAUTIFUL MELISSA.
SHE'S A GIRL, AND WHAT A GIRL.
AND SHE'S CRAZY ABOUT ME.
PERFECT, HUH?
WELL, THAT'S WHY I'M
SCARED. IT'S TOO PERFECT.
SOMETHING'S GOTTA
HAPPEN TO SPOIL IT.
- DOBIE, DEAR, I'LL HAVE...
- A CHOCOLATE EGG
FOO YUNG SUNDAE
WITH DOUBLE WHIPPED CREAM.
- OH, DOBIE, DARLING,
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED.
- UH-HUH, YEAH.
- WOW, WONDERFUL. THAT'S
SIMPLY WONDERFUL THAT YOU KNEW.
- MM-HMM.
- YOU KNOW,
IT'S ALMOST LIKE, LIKE MAGIC.
- YEAH.
- WHAT MAGIC?
EVERY TIME YOU TWO COME IN HERE,
SHE ORDERS A CHOCOLATE
EGG FOO YUNG SUNDAE
WITH DOUBLE WHIPPED
CREAM. BIG DEAL.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- UH, MRS. TARANTINO, I'LL
JUST HAVE A GLASS OF WATER.
- HAVE A GLASS OF
WATER, PLEASE. YEAH,
I COULD HAVE FIGURED THAT
OUT. EMPTY WALLETSVILLE.
AND WE GOT NO MAGIC
BOND BETWEEN US.
- NO.
- MRS. TARANTINO WAS
CERTAINLY IMPOLITE.
I THINK YOU OUGHT TO
REPORT HER TO THE MANAGER.
- OH, I COULDN'T DO THAT.
- WELL, THEN, I WILL.
- OH, NO, NO, NO, MELISSA.
NO, TRY TO SEE IT HER WAY.
SHE WORKS SO HARD ALL DAY LONG,
AND HOW MUCH CAN
SHE MAKE IN HERE?
IN OUR CIRCLE, A DIME
IS KNOWN AS A LAVISH TIP.
- WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
- AND WHAT'S HER HOME LIFE LIKE?
I MEAN, IF MRS. TARANTINO
HAS TO WORK IN HERE,
IT MEANS MR. TARANTINO
NEEDS HER HELP.
HE'S PROBABLY SICK. WHO KNOWS?
HE'S PROBABLY
LYING THERE IN BED,
STARING AT THE CEILING,
ENCASED IN A PLASTER CAST.
- OH, THE POOR MAN.
- THE POOR WOMAN,
RUNNING AROUND IN HERE ALL DAY,
HER BACK, AND HER HEAD,
AND HER FEET MUST KILL HER.
- OH, BLESS YOU, SONNY.
THAT'S THE FIRST
KIND WORD I'VE HEARD
SINCE I'VE COME TO WORK HERE.
- HUH?
- YOU KNOW, IF I'VE BEEN
YAPPING AT YOU, IT AIN'T ME, KID,
IT'S MY FEET. THEY'RE
DOING THE SCREAMING.
- OH, WELL, TELL
THEM I UNDERSTAND.
YEAH, I UNDERSTAND,
I UNDERSTAND.
- THAT'S THE FIRST GOOD
LAUGH I'VE HAD ALL WEEK.
- YEAH.
- YOU'RE OKAY, KID.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- HOLD ON TO HIM, GIRLIE.
GOOD MEN THESE
DAYS ARE HARD TO FIND.
- OH, DOBIE.
YOU'RE THE KINDEST, SWEETEST,
GENTLEST PERSON I EVER MET.
- OH, I WOULDN'T SAY
THAT, BUT I'M GLAD YOU DID.
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
SEE WHY I'M SCARED?
IT'S JUST TOO PERFECT.
I'VE FINALLY FOUND A
GIRL WHO THINKS I'M...
- WONDERFUL, DIVINELY WONDERFUL.
- IT IS YOUR LOVE THAT
HAS MADE ME THIS WAY.
WHEN I'M WITH YOU I FEEL
FRESH, AND SPARKLING, AND ALIVE.
- OH, ME, TOO.
- IF I LOST YOU,
I'D BE A RAGGED,
USELESS, DIRTY WRECK.
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- HI.
- HELLO, MAYNARD.
- DOBE, YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW WAY OUT IT FEELS,
THE GLIMMER OF YOUR FRIENDLY
FACE IN MY HOUR OF NEED.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE?
- YEAH.
I FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY JUST
TOSSED ME IN ONE OF THEM WAGONS,
AND IT'S CARTING ME
OFF TO THE GELATIN.
- UH, THAT'S
GUILLOTINE, MAYNARD.
- YEAH, GUILLOTINE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG, MAYNARD.
YOU KNOW HOW I WORRY ABOUT YOU.
- I, LIKE, CAN'T.
- YOU'D, LIKE, BETTER.
- I, LIKE, NEED MONEY.
- I, LIKE, HAD TO ASK.
- YOU SEE? I'M DOOMED,
DOOMED, DOOMED.
- OH, STOP DRAMATIZING.
YOU KNOW I'LL HELP YOU.
JUST TELL ME HOW MUCH
MONEY YOU NEED, AND WHY.
- $6.26,
ON ACCOUNT OF THIS
CHEMISTRY COURSE
I'M TAKING IN SCHOOL.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
TAKING CHEMISTRY?
- WELL, FOR THE FIRST SIX WEEKS,
I THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE,
FOLK DANCING CLASS.
AND BY THEN I WAS TRAPPED.
- THE $6.26?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
- OH, YEAH.
- NOW, GET THIS PICTURE.
- UH-HUH.
- I'M IN THE CHEMISTRY LAB, SEE.
WE'RE, LIKE, WORKING
ON AN EXPERIMENT.
AND THE PLACE IS, LIKE,
CRAWLING WITH CHEMICALS.
AND I'M POURING AND MIXING.
AND EVERYTHING IS
STEAMING AND GURGLING.
[ SSGLUG-GLUG-GLUG,
SSGLUG-GLUG-GLUG ]
AND FUMING AND BUBBLING.
[ UMBLUB-BLUB-BLUB-BLUB,
UMBLUB-BLUB-BLUB-BLUB ]
AND FOAMING AND FROTHING.
[ FOWHOOP-FOOWHOOP-FOWHOOP ]
AND THEN IT HAPPENED.
- YOU MIXED THE
WRONG CHEMICALS, AND...
- NOT THEN.
- NOT THEN, NO. UH-HUH.
BUT WHEN I POURED THE MILK
SHAKE IN MY THERMOS BOTTLE IN IT...
- THEN.
- BAROOM, BAROOM!
THE WHOLE PLACE
WAS LIKE HURRICANE
ZAPPA GALE THROUGH ZELDA.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD.
- BAROOM, BAROOM!
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD, MAYNARD.
SO YOU NEED THE $6.26
TO PAY THE SCHOOL
FOR THE BROKEN EQUIPMENT?
- MAN, LIKE, YOU
SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT.
BAROOM, BAROOM!
- YEAH. MAYNARD,
MAYNARD, MAYNARD, ENOUGH.
HERE. BE CAREFUL,
IT'S PRACTICALLY
EVERY PENNY I OWN.
- GEE. LIKE, THANKS, DOBE.
- YEAH. MAYNARD CAN GET HIMSELF
IN THE MOST
RIDICULOUS SITUATIONS.
- DOBE, YOU'RE, LIKE,
A REAL HUMAN BEING.
- OH, DOBIE, YOU'RE SO WARM
AND KIND TO WAITRESSES
AND SO GENEROUS TO YOUR FRIENDS.
- YEAH, UH-HUH.
- WELL, YOU'VE GOT
A HEART AS BIG AS...
- ALL OUTDOORS?
- OH, AT LEAST.
- YEAH. WELL, MAYNARD
NEEDED THE MONEY.
OH, MY GOSH, THE MONEY.
- THE MONEY?
- YEAH, I WAS SAVING
IT TO BUY OUR TICKETS
FOR THE KINGSTON
TRIO SATURDAY NIGHT.
- OH, IF I DON'T SEE THE
KINGSTON TRIO, I'LL DIE.
OH, CAN'T YOU GET THE
MONEY FROM YOUR FATHER?
- SURELY YOU JEST.
- OH, I'LL DIE.
- I'LL GET THE MONEY
FROM MY FATHER.
GET MONEY FROM MY FATHER?
GET MONEY FROM MY FATHER?
GET MONEY FROM MY FATHER?
GET MONEY FROM MY FATHER?
GET MONEY FROM MY FATHER?
- NO MATTER HOW YOU SAY
IT, IT SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE.
- I GOTTA KILL THAT
BOY, I JUST GOTTA.
- HERBERT, DOBIE JUST
MADE A SIMPLE LITTLE MISTAKE.
- LEAVING A CHOCOLATE
ICE CREAM BAR
IN THE CASH REGISTER IS
A SIMPLE LITTLE MISTAKE?
- HE WAS PROBABLY JUST TAKING
SOME MONEY OUT OF THE REGISTER,
AND HE JUST HAPPENED
TO LEAVE HIS ICE CREAM BAR.
WHAT'S SO WRONG?
- WHAT'S SO WRONG?
ONE, HE WAS HELPING
HIMSELF TO THE CASH REGISTER,
TWO, HE LEFT A CHOCOLATE
ICE CREAM BAR FOR CHANGE.
THREE, YOU DON'T THINK
THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG.
THAT'S WHAT'S SO WRONG.
- SHH!
- OH, EVERY DAY, HOSPITALS
GET BABIES MIXED UP.
BUT, NO, WE HAVE TO
GET THE RIGHT ONE.
- MR. McCURDY WILL HEAR YOU.
OH, IT'S TOO LATE TO
WORRY ABOUT THAT NOW.
- FOR THREE MONTHS,
I'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR THE BANK TO SEND A MAN
OUT HERE TO CHECK THE STORE.
FOR THREE MONTHS, EVERY DAY,
I'VE CLEANED, AND I'VE DUSTED,
AND I'VE SCRUBBED SO
THAT WHEN HE GOT HERE,
THE STORE WOULD LOOK LIKE
WE'D BE A GOOD RISK FOR A LOAN.
- FINALLY, THE BIG DAY ARRIVES.
AT LAST, I'M GOING TO
GET TO BORROW $300
SO I CAN MAKE A DOWN
PAYMENT ON A GOOD USED TRUCK.
THE MAN FROM THE BANK WALKS IN.
DOES HE SEE A CLEAN STORE?
DOES HE SEE A DUSTED STORE?
DOES HE SEE A SCRUBBED STORE?
- NO, THE FIRST THING HE SEES
IS HERBERT T.
GILLIS, PROPRIETOR,
EMPTYING OUT A CASH
DRAWER FULL OF ICE CREAM
CHOCOLATE COATED NICKELS.
- HUSH, NOW. HERE HE COMES.
- WELL, UH, I SUPPOSE
YOU FOUND EVERYTHING
IN A-1, TIP-TOP, FIRST
CLASS CREDIT RATING SHAPE.
- WELL, YOUR STORE APPEARS
MODERATELY WELL RUN,
IN GENERAL.
- MR. McCURDY, ALL I
WANT IS A SMALL LOAN,
ALTHOUGH IT WOULD
BE A BIG HELP, YOU KNOW,
IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO PUT UP
WITH THAT SHOVING, AND
COAXING, AND CRANKING, AND ALL,
ON COLD MORNINGS WHEN I
HAVE TO GET OUT AND PUSH,
MY ACHING BACK.
- MR. GILLIS, SYMPATHY
WILL AVAIL YOU NOTHING.
WHEN MY BANK GRANTS AN AUDIT,
IT'S STRICTLY ON THE MERITS
OF THE CREDIT RISK INVOLVED.
- OH, WE'RE A VERY GOOD
CREDIT RISK, MR. McCURDY.
- OH, WHY, CERTAINLY. WE'VE
BORROWED FROM EVERYBODY.
[ PHONE RINGS ]
- GOOD AFTERNOON,
GILLIS GROCERY.
MR. McCURDY? JUST A MOMENT.
- OH, THANK YOU. I, UH,
ASKED THEM AT THE OFFICE
TO REFER MY CALLS
TO THIS NUMBER.
- HELP YOURSELF.
- HELLO?
YEAH, YES, THIS IS McCURDY.
IF THE-IF THE MONEY
IS NOT ON MY DESK
BY TOMORROW MORNING,
I'LL HAVE NO ALTERNATIVE
BUT TO FORECLOSE THE
MORTGAGE, MRS. TARANTINO.
- BUT IT CERTAINLY
ISN'T THE BANK'S FAULT
THAT YOUR HUSBAND
IS IN A PLASTER CAST.
NOW, UH, WHERE WERE WE?
- NOWHERE.
- HI, DAD, MOM. OH.
- SON, WHY DON'T YOU
GO OUT IN THE PARK
AND PLAY A LITTLE FOOTBALL?
- WELL, FOOTBALL
SEASON'S OVER, DAD.
- THEN HOW ABOUT A
FEW INNINGS OF BASEBALL?
- OH, BASEBALL SEASON
HASN'T STARTED YET.
- CHASE A BARREL, THEN.
NOW, LET'S SEE YOU FIND
AN ANSWER TO THAT ONE.
- YOU'RE ACTING FUNNY, DAD.
AREN'T YOU FEELING WELL?
- NOT LATELY.
- OH, MR. McCURDY,
THIS IS OUR SON, DOBIE.
- HELLO, MR. McCURDY.
- HELLO, YOUNG MAN.
- DOBIE, DEAR, WHY
DON'T YOU GO UPSTAIRS
AND GET YOURSELF SOMETHING
TO EAT OUT OF THE ICEBOX?
- OH, THANKS, MOM, BUT
THERE'S PLENTY DOWN HERE.
- THIS SORT OF FOULS UP
THE STORE'S BOOKKEEPING,
BUT BUSINESS HAS
BEEN SO BAD LATELY,
IT DOESN'T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE.
- DOBIE, DEAR, I HAVE
A WONDERFUL IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU
AND I GO FOR A WALK
AROUND THE BLOCK?
YOU NEED THE EXERCISE.
OH, NO, MOM, I DON'T NEED THE...
- WELL, THEN, I
NEED THE EXERCISE.
GOODBYE, MR. McCURDY,
GOODBYE, HERBERT.
- DADDY, I DON'T INTEND TO
WAIT IN THE CAR ANY LONGER.
I'M DYING TO GET TO THE STABLES
AND BREAK THAT
STALLION'S SPIRIT.
- MR. GILLIS, THIS IS
MY DAUGHTER, MIGNON.
- WELL, I'M VERY HAPPY
TO KNOW YOU, MISS.
COULD I GET YOU A COLD
DRINK, OR SOMETHING?
ANYTHING YOU WANT.
- HIM.
- HIM, WHO?
- THE BOY WHO WAS JUST DRAGGED
OUT OF HERE, THE CUTE ONE
WITH THE BLONDE HAIR
AND THE WEAK CHIN.
- GILLIS, SHE MUST
MEAN YOUR SON.
- DOBIE? LOOK, MISS,
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE
YOURSELF A BREAK
AND SETTLE FOR A
COLD DRINK? [ LAUGH ]
- DADDY, TELL MR. GILLIS TO
ARRANGE AN INTRODUCTION.
- WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT,
BUT I DON'T SEE
ANY REASON FOR IT.
OH, DOBIE'S A NICE
ENOUGH KID, AND ALL THAT,
BUT, UH, HE IS NEVER GOING
TO SET THE WORLD ON FIRE.
IN FACT, SOMETIMES I WONDER
IF HE'S EVEN GOING TO GET
AROUND TO LIGHTING THE FUSE.
- I KNEW THAT THE
MINUTE I SAW HIM.
THAT'S WHY I WANT HIM.
HE'S UNFORMED,
FLEXIBLE, PLIABLE,
THE KIND I CAN MOLD AND
SHAPE TO FIT MY OWN TASTE.
GIVE ME THE
NAMBY-PAMBIES EVERY TIME.
- NAMBY-PAMBY? NOW,
JUST A MINUTE, MISS.
HE MAY BE A NAMBY-PAMBY,
BUT HE IS MY NAMBY-PAMBY.
AND NOBODY'S GONNA CALL
HIM A NAMBY-PAMBY BUT ME.
- MR. GILLIS, YOU
ARE, I BELIEVE,
APPLYING FOR A LOAN?
- THAT HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH MY SON,
HAS IT, MR. McCURDY? HAS IT?
IT HAS? IT HAS.
YOU WERE SAYING, MISS?
- I AM GIVING A PARTY
SATURDAY NIGHT.
YOUR SON WILL BE MY DATE.
HAVE HIM CALL ON ME TOMORROW,
WE'LL DISCUSS THE DETAILS.
ANY QUESTIONS?
- NO QUESTIONS.
- GOOD. DADDY?
- YOU SHOULD MEET HER MOTHER.
- YOU MEAN DAD COULD
REALLY LOSE THAT LOAN
ON ACCOUNT OF WHAT I DID?
- I'M AFRAID SO, DEAR.
ESTABLISHING CREDIT AT A
BANK IS A VERY TOUCHY THING.
- MOM, I REALLY GOOF, DON'T I?
I, I GUESS I'M JUST NO GOOD.
- OH, THAT'S NOT TRUE, DEAR.
YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, YOU'RE
JUST A LITTLE THOUGHTLESS.
- JUST A LOT THOUGHTLESS.
I'VE GOT TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN
TO HELP DAD GET THE
LOAN FOR THAT NEW TRUCK.
- POOR DAD, HE'S SO
OVERWORKED, AND TIRED,
AND DECREPIT, AND WORN OUT.
- DOBIE, DEAR, YOUR
SENTIMENTS DO YOU CREDIT.
BUT YOU MAKE HIM
SOUND AWFULLY OLD.
- WELL, MOM, HE'S PUSHING 45.
- WELL, DEAR, SO AM I.
- MOM, I'D BETTER HELP YOU HOME.
- NO, THANK YOU, DEAR.
I THINK I CAN MANAGE
VERY NICELY ALL BY MYSELF.
- NO, HERE, NO, JUST COME ALONG.
- LIKE, HI.
- OH, IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- OH, "IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD."
EVERY PLACE I GO, IT'S,
LIKE, THE STORY OF MY LIFE.
"IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD."
- MAYNARD, I DIDN'T
MEAN IT THAT WAY.
- LIKE, HOW ELSE COULD YOU
MEAN IT? "IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD."
- LOOK, I WAS EXPECTING
SOMEBODY ELSE.
I HEARD THE DOOR OPEN,
IT WASN'T THE PERSON
I WAS EXPECTING.
HERE, HAVE A PIECE OF CANDY.
- SURE, BRIBES,
IT WAS ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- NO, THAT'S WRONG.
- MAYNARD, I DIDN'T
MEAN TO HURT YOUR...
- IS MR. McCURDY STILL HER?
OH, IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- "IT'S ONLY YOU,
MAYNARD. ONLY YOU."
- WHAT, WHAT, WHAT DID I DO?
- MAYNARD.
- WHAT, WHY, WHAT IS IT?
- DAD, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
- AND I WANT TO
TALK TO YOU, BOY.
- DAD, I'VE SPENT
HALF MY LIFE...
- NOW, I'VE BEEN ASKING
YOU TO DO A LOT OF THINGS...
- MAKING EXCUSES
TO GET OUT OF WORK.
AND I WOULDN'T BLAME YOU
IF YOU NEVER ASKED ME AGAIN.
A FRIENDLY CONVERSATION
BETWEEN FATHER AND SON?
NOT ON YOUR LIFE.
THAT FATHER IS TRYING
TO SELL HIS OWN SON.
- HERBERT! ARE YOU
SELLING YOUR OWN SON?
- WELL, IT'S A CINCH I'M
NOT GIVING HIM AWAY.
LOOK, CAN YOU BLAME ME
FOR WANTING TO
GET IN WITH McCURDY?
HIS DAUGHTER WALKS
IN HERE THIS AFTERNOON,
GETS A LOOK AT THE
KID'S KISSER AND LIKES IT.
WHY, I'LL NEVER KNOW.
SO I MAKE A DATE WITH HIM
FOR HER FOR SATURDAY NIGHT,
AND HE IS GOING TO KEEP IT.
HE OWES IT TO HIS POOR OLD
FATHER WHO SUPPORTS HIM,
WHO WALKED THE FLOOR WITH
HIM WHEN THE HAD THE COLIC,
WHO HAD BRACES PUT ON HIS
TEETH SO THEY'D COME IN STRAIGHT,
AND WHO WILL BREAK EVERY BONE
IN HIS UNGRATEFUL HEAD
IF HE DON'T, SO HELP ME.
- MOM'S RIGHT. I WILL NOT
SELL MYSELF FOR MONEY.
- I'M NOT ASKING YOU
TO! I WILL DO IT FOR YOU.
- OH, I'D LIKE TO HELP, DAD,
BUT YOU'RE ASKING TOO MUCH.
- YES, YOU ARE.
- WAIT, WAIT, DO ME ONE FAVOR,
JUST GO OVER AND SEE THIS
McCURDY GIRL TOMORROW.
JUST MEET HER. JUST TALK
TO HER, THAT'S ALL I ASK.
AND THEN IF YOU DON'T
WANT TO KEEP THE DATE
SATURDAY NIGHT,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
- THAT SOUNDS FAIR TO ME, DOBIE.
- OH, HO, IT IS FAIR.
IS IT A DEAL, SON?
- SO MY FATHER THINKS I'M
A HUMAN SACRIFICE, HUH?
WELL, I'M NOT.
I MEAN, I'M HUMAN, ALL RIGHT,
BUT IF THAT MIGNON McCURDY
THINKS SHE'S GONNA GET ME
IN HER CLUTCHES, SHE'S
GOT ANOTHER CLUTCH COMING.
- NO, SIR, I'M HANDLING
EVERYTHING MY WAY.
- REMEMBER, DADDY,
WHEN HE GETS HERE,
I'M HANDLING EVERYTHING MY WAY.
- POOR FISH DOESN'T
HAVE A CHANCE.
- OH, HERE HE COMES.
WELL, I'M HAPPY TO SEE
HE ISN'T ARRIVING LATE.
- HE WOULDN'T DARE.
- DADDY.
- I'M ON MY WAY.
- WELL, HELLO, MR. McCURDY.
- COME INTO OUR PARLOR...
- THANK YOU.
- SAID THE SPIDER TO THE FLY.
- DADDY.
- OH, DOBIE, HOW GOOD,
HOW VERY GOOD TO SEE
YOU. COME AND SIT DOWN.
- WELL, LIKEWISE, MISS
McCURDY. THANK YOU.
- YOU MAY CALL ME MIGNON.
- WELL, THANK YOU. AND
YOU MAY CALL ME DOBIE.
- I ALREADY DID.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
- NOW, TELL ME, DOBIE, WHAT
ARE YOUR SCHOOL AMBITIONS?
- TO GET OUT, IF I CAN.
- NO, NO, DEAR BOY.
WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS,
WHAT SUBJECTS DO YOU LIKE BEST?
- OH, NONE OF THEM. I
JUST WANT TO GET OUT.
- GOOD. I'M PLEASED.
- YOU ARE?
- YOU ARE CLAY.
- CLAY?
- CLAY. I AM THE SCULPTOR.
I WILL MOLD YOU AND FORM YOU
INTO THE EXACT IMAGE I REQUIRE.
- JUST A MINUTE.
JUST A DARN MINUTE.
- THE SAME THING HAPPENED
WITH MY MOTHER AND DADDY.
- I...
- ONE LOOK AT HIM,
AND SHE KNEW HE
WAS THE UNFORMED,
FLEXIBLE, PLIABLE TYPE
SHE WAS SEARCHING FOR.
- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
- DADDY, YOU KNOW MOTHER HAS
FORBIDDEN YOU TO USE THAT CHAIR.
THE HAIR OIL STAINS
THE UPHOLSTERY.
NOW, WHERE WAS I?
- OUT OF LINE.
NOW, LOOK, MIGNON, I APPRECIATE
YOUR FEELINGS TOWARD ME,
BUT THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE.
- SOMEONE ELSE? A GIRL?
- A GIRL, QUITE A GIRL,
WE HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING. NOW...
- THIS GIRL, WILL SHE PROPEL
YOU UP THE LADDER OF SUCCESS
THE WAY I WILL?
- WELL, NO.
- WILL SHE FORGE A SOLID
ROCK OF ACHIEVEMENT
OUT OF THE GOOEY CLAY
OF YOUR MEDIOCRITY?
- MIGNON, SHE LOVES ME,
GOOEY AND CLAYEY THOUGH I AM.
- I'M AFRAID I'LL HAVE
TO MOVE UP TO...
- YOU CAN MOVE UP ANYTHING...
- YOUR FATHER HAS APPLIED
TO MY FATHER FOR A LOAN.
THIS LOAN IS NEEDED FOR A
DOWN PAYMENT ON A TRUCK.
- POOR FISH.
- THIS TRUCK IS
DESPERATELY NEEDED
TO SAVE WHATEVER IS LEFT
OF YOUR FATHER'S ACHING BACK.
THIS WOULD PROLONG
HIS CAREWORN LIFE.
AM I ACCURATE?
- ACCURATE, BUT
COMPLETELY INCORRECT.
A BANK LOAN HAPPENS TO BE A
STRICTLY BUSINESS PROPOSITION
BETWEEN, "A," THE
PARTY OF THE FIRST PART,
NAMELY THE BANK, AND, " B,"
THE PARTY OF THE SECOND PART,
NAMELY HERBERT T. GILLIS, MY
FATHER, ALL OF WHICH MATTERS
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
HAS IT, MR. McCURDY? HAS IT?
IT HAS.
- WELL, MIGNON, WHAT
WAS IT YOU WERE SAYING?
HERE I AM, CAUGHT ON
THE HORNS OF A DILEMMA.
BOY.
I MEAN, IF THERE'S ANYTHING
YOU DON'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT
ON THE HORNS
OF, A DILEMMA IS IT.
DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS.
MELISSA IS BEAUTIFUL AND SOFT.
MIGNON IS BEAUTIFUL AND HARD.
AND MY FATHER IS, WELL,
WHAT CAN YOU SAY
ABOUT MY FATHER?
[ PHONE RINGS ]
- OH, STOP RINGING
YOUR FOOL HEAD OFF,
OR I'LL KNOT YOUR CORD.
[ PHONE RINGS ]
GILLIS GROCERIES.
OH, OH, HELLO, ED.
NO, I WAS JUST CLOSING UP.
YEAH, I GOT TO STAY OPEN LATE
THESE DAYS TO MAKE A BUCK.
OH, THE COMPETITION
IS MURDERING ME.
I'VE GOT TO PUT IN
THE EXTRA HOURS
IF I'M EVEN GONNA BREAK EVEN.
NO, ED, I HAVEN'T
BEEN GETTING DOWN
TO THE LEGION HALL LATELY.
IT'S THESE HOURS. AFTER
ALL, I'M UP IN THE MORNING.
I GOT TO BE DOWN TO THE
PRODUCE MARKET BY 5:00 AM,
PUSHING THAT TRUCK
OF MINE HALF THE WAY.
AND ON COLD MORNINGS WHEN
I HAVE TO CRANK THAT THING,
IT'S SURE ROUGH ON THE LUMBAGO.
THEN IN THE STORE ALL DAY,
ON MY FEET, WHICH
ARE KILLING ME.
AND THEN AFTER I CLOSE UP,
I GOTTA WORK ON THE BOOKS.
YEAH, ED, WELL,
SAY HELLO TO SHORTY AND ALL
THE GANG DOWN AT THE LEGION.
THANKS FOR CALLING. SO LONG, ED.
- OH, DAD, POOR DAD.
KEEP THIS AROUND YOUR WEARY
OLD SHOULDERS, DEAR OLD DAD.
I'M YOUNG, I DON'T NEED IT.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
HAVE YOU SLIPPED A
CYLINDER, OR SOMETHING?
- DAD, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
MIGNON McCURDY IS A FINE GIRL,
AND I'M GOING OUT WITH HER
SATURDAY NIGHT, AND EVERY NIGHT,
AS LONG AS SHE
AND HER NEW TRUCK...
UH, FATHER WILL HAVE ME.
- HA, HA, MY SON.
- DAD, HERE, KEEP WARM.
- OH, MY SON.
- KEEP WARM, DAD.
- YEAH.
- I FIGURE THAT IN TIME, I
CAN GET USED TO MIGNON.
I MEAN, I CAN GROW
KIND OF A SHELL,
LIKE A, LIKE AN ARMADILLO,
OR LIKE HER FATHER.
BUT MELISSA, HOW AM I GONNA
TELL HER THAT WE'RE THROUGH,
SWEET, SENSITIVE MELISSA?
I'LL TRY TO BREAK
IT TO HER GENTLY.
- YES, DOBIE? YES, MY SOUL MATE?
- I, I, I, I CAN'T DO
IT. CHOCOLATE...
- CHOCOLATE EGG FOO YUNG
SUNDAE WITH DOUBLE WHIPPED CREAM.
- OH, DOBIE, DARLING,
THAT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED.
OH, YOU'RE SO
GENTLE AND SO SWEET,
AND SO UNDERSTANDING.
- AND SO YELLOW.
BUT WHAT COULD I DO?
HOW ELSE CAN YOU TREAT A GIRL
WHO LOOKS ON YOU AS
SOME SORT OF EAGLE SCOUT
WITH 135 MERIT BADGES?
NOPE. I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.
I'D RATHER DO ANYTHING
RATHER THAN HURT THAT
SWEET, SENSITIVE MELISSA.
MIGNON, YOU'RE
NOT GONNA LIKE THIS,
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING
I GOT TO TELL YOU.
- BEFORE YOU DO, HOW
IS YOUR FATHER'S BACK?
- NOW, NOW, WHA...
MY FATHER'S BACK?
- HIS SORE BACK, YOU KNOW,
FROM PUSHING THAT OLD TRUCK
AROUND AND WAITING FOR HIS LOAN.
- OH, THAT, THAT BACK.
- THAT BACK, YES.
NOW, WHAT WERE
YOU GOING TO TELL ME?
- I FORGOT.
- YOU FORGOT. OKAY. TA-TA.
- SO LONG.
- YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T QUITE
BROKEN THAT STALLION YET.
BUT IT WON'T BE LONG NOW.
- OH, I BET IT WON'T.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY. I GIVE UP.
SO POOR, SWEET,
SENSITIVE MELISSA
WILL JUST HAVE TO SUFFER AND
LOSE THE MAN OF HER DREAMS.
WAIT.
WHAT IF IT TURNS OUT THAT I
WASN'T THE MAN OF HER DREAMS?
WHAT IF SHE FOUND OUT
THAT UNDER THIS SWEET,
GENTLE EXTERIOR THERE
BEATS A CRUEL, MEAN INTERIOR?
YEAH, YEAH, A CRUEL,
MEAN INTERIOR.
I, I MEAN, I'D JUST
PRETEND TO BE THAT WAY.
ACTUALLY, MY INTERIOR
IS JUST AS SWEET AND
GENTLE AS MY EXTERIOR,
MAYBE EVEN MORE SO.
I'LL DO IT. IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
EITHER THAT, OR FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE,
I'LL HAVE MY FATHER'S ACHING
BACK ON MY ACHING BACK.
- LIKE, HI, MELISSA. I'M
WAITING FOR DOBIE, TOO.
YOU SEE, HE'S MY GOOD BUDDY.
AND WHEN YOU GOT A
GOOD BUDDY LIKE OLD DOBE,
JUST MEETING HIM AND SAYING,
LIKE, "HIYA, GOOD BUDDY,"
MAKES YOU FEEL
BIG AND IMPORTANT.
- OH, HERE HE IS.
- LIKE, HIYA, GOOD BUDDY.
- OH, IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD,
IT'S ONLY... DOBE, GOOD BUDDY,
YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE
THAT, DID YOU, HUH, DID YOU?
- I MEANT IT JUST
THE WAY IT SOUNDED.
IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD,
YOU, YOU UNWASHED BEATNIK.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE. I'M SICK
OF THAT SLOPPY SWEATSHIRT.
- IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
SAY, LIKE, YOU DIDN'T
MEAN IT, HUH, BUDDY?
- I SAID IT AND I MEANT IT.
WHERE'S THE MONEY I LOANED YOU?
- I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE
TO ROUND UP ENOUGH...
- STOP WITH THE EXCUSES. JUST
COUGH UP WHAT YOU OWE ME
OR YOUR FATHER'S
GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT.
OR IS HE A DEADBEAT, TOO?
- IT'S ONLY YOU.
MAYNARD. IT'S ONLY YOU.
ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- DOBIE, WHY...
- WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
- WHAT I ALWAYS HAVE, DOBIE,
MY SWEET, A CHOCOLATE...
- OH, NOT AGAIN.
CAN'T YOU THINK OF
ANYTHING MORE ORIGINAL
THAN THE SAME OLD
JUNK DAY AFTER DAY,
WEEK AFTER WEEK?
- DOBIE, MY SWEET.
- AND STOP CALLING
ME DOBIE, MY SWEET!
YOU'RE LIKE A BROKEN RECORD.
ALWAYS THE SAME
WORDS, THE SAME FOOD,
THE SAME EXPRESSION
ON YOUR FACE.
- OH, DOBIE.
- HI, KID.
- IT'S MR. KID TO YOU.
- HUH?
- HOW CAN YOU TALK TO POOR
MRS. TARANTINO THAT WAY?
REMEMBER, SHE'S GOT TROUBLES.
- TROUBLES?
WAIT TILL YOU HEAR WHAT
HAPPENED SINCE LAST TIME.
THE BANK FORECLOSED
ON OUR MORTGAGE.
TWO FELLAS CAME IN THE HOUSE
AND PUT WHEELS UNDER
MY HUSBAND'S CAST
AND ROLLED HIM RIGHT
OUT OF THE HOUSE.
HE SPENT THE WHOLE
NIGHT ON THE SIDEWALK.
- OH, GEE, THAT'S TERR...
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY
CAN'T BLAME ME OR THE BANK.
PAY YOUR BILLS ON TIME,
OR JOIN MAYNARD'S CLUB.
- WHAT'S GOING ON? YOU
WERE SUCH A NICE, KIND KID,
AND NOW YOU'RE
TURNED INTO A MONSTER.
- LOOK.
- GEE,
YOU'RE A REGULAR
MR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE.
- CALL THE MANAGER. NO
FLUNKY TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT!
- CALL THE MANAGER, YOU HEAR?
- OH, DOBIE GILLIS,
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU
AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.
OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SO SWEET AND GENTLE,
AND, AND SENSITIVE,
AND, OH, BUT THAT'S
ONLY YOUR EXTERIOR.
WELL, YOUR INTERIOR
IS, IS CRUDE...
- AND MEAN.
- AND MEAN.
- GOODBYE FOREVER,
OR EVEN LONGER!
- AND THAT GOES
FOR ME, TOO, RIPPER.
GIVE ME THOSE EXTRA
GLASSES OF WATER. HUMPH.
- I'M NOT REALLY...
- BOO!
- I WAS JUST DOING
THAT SO SHE WOULDN'T...
- BOO!
- BUT I'M NOT...
- BOO! BOO!
- AH...
- NYAH!
- HI, MIGNON.
- HELLO, DOBIE.
I HEARD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
DOWN AT THE MALT SHOP.
YOU WERE WONDERFUL.
EVERYONE SAYS YOU WERE HATEFUL,
BEAUTIFULLY, MAGNIFICENTLY,
DELIGHTFULLY HATEFUL.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
I DIDN'T WANT TO
HURT THOSE PEOPLE.
I ONLY DID IT SO MELISSA
WOULDN'T LIKE ME ANYMORE.
BUT MAYNARD'S MY FRIEND,
AND MELISSA'S A SWEET,
SENSITIVE, ARTISTIC GIRL,
AND MRS. TARANTINO'S A NICE LADY
WHO HAS TO WORK
HARD FOR A LIVING.
HER, HER HUSBAND'S
IN A CAST ON WHEELS
ON THE SIDEWALK SOMEWHERE.
- DOBIE, GOOD GUYS FINISH LAST.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE HARD AND TOUGH,
GRAB WHAT YOU WANT.
OH, I CAN SEE YOU NOW,
STAMPEDING STOCKHOLDERS,
CLOSING DOWN ON MORTGAGES.
OH, BUT DOBIE, YOU'LL BE
THE MAN I'VE ALWAYS WANTED.
I'LL TELL DADDY TO PUT THROUGH
YOUR FATHER'S LOAN AT ONCE.
- NO.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?
- NEGATIVE, UH-UH, NO.
- WHAT ABOUT THAT
OLD, BEAT UP TRUCK
AND YOUR POOR FATHER'S LUMBAGO?
- YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF
MY POOR FATHER'S LUMBAGO.
- DOBIE, I DEMAND THAT YOU
STOP TALKING BACK
TO ME THAT WAY.
- NO.
- NO?
- NEGATIVE, UH-UH, NO, MIGNON.
NO, I WANT MY FATHER
TO HAVE THAT NEW TRUCK.
BUT NOT THIS WAY.
NO, NO, I'LL GET UP
AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING
AND GO DOWN TO THE
PRODUCE MARKET MYSELF.
I, I, I'LL WORK AND I'LL SLAVE,
BUT I'M NOT KICKING
MY FRIENDS IN THE TEETH
WHEN THEIR BACKS ARE TURNED.
- BE CAREFUL, OR YOU WON'T
EVEN GET SECOND PORTIONS
AT THE POOR HOUSE.
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
- GILLIS, I OVERHEARD YOUR
CONVERSATION WITH MY DAUGHTER.
- OH, I'M SORRY, MR. McCURDY.
BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT.
- HOW DID YOU DO IT?
- YOU SEE, MAYNARD'S
MY FRIEND, AND MELISS...
HOW DID I DO IT?
- YES, HOW DID YOU TALK
BACK TO HER LIKE THAT?
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO DO
THAT TO HER MOTHER FOR YEARS,
BUT... TELL ME, MY BOY, TELL ME.
- YOU START OFF BY SAYING NO.
AND, AND, AND NO.
TRY IT.
- NO.
- I'M THINKING IT,
BUT IT'S BEEN SO LONG, I
CAN'T GET IT PAST MY LIPS.
- YEAH, WELL, WHAT WOULD
YOU SAY IF I ASKED FOR A LOAN?
- NO!
- HEY, THERE.
- IT WORKS THAT WAY.
- YEAH, YEAH, BE FIRMER NOW. NO!
- NO!
NEGATIVE, UH-UH.
- NEGATIVE, UH-UH. NO.
- TRY IT AGAIN WITH
MORE PAIN IN IT.
- NO. NO. OH, NO!
NO, NO, HUH? YEAH, YEAH.
- WELL, IT TOOK A
LOT OF UNTANGLING
TO UNTANGLE THIS TANGLED WEB.
BUT IT WORKED OUT PRETTY WELL.
MR. McCURDY LEARNED TO
SAY NO TO HIS DAUGHTER.
AND THEN HE LEARNED
TO SAY NO TO HIS WIFE.
AND NOW HE'S OUT AT THE STABLE
TRYING TO SAY NO
TO A WILD STALLION.
AND I'M HOPING HE'LL SAY
YES TO MY FATHER'S LOAN.
BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS
THAT I'VE STRAIGHTENED
EVERYTHING OUT
WITH MY OLD BUDDY,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
[ OCARINA PLAYING ]
- HERE HE COMES. NOW
WATCH THIS. I'M GONNA HAVE
A LITTLE FUN WITH HIM.
- HI, GOOD BUDDY.
- MAYNARD, IT'S ONLY YOU.
- OH, MAYNARD, IT'S ONLY YOU.
- LOOK, MAYNARD
IT WAS ONLY A JOKE.
- MAYNARD, IT'S ONLY YOU.
- I THOUGHT YOU'D GET
A KICK OUT OF IT IF I SAID,
"MAYNARD, IT'S ONLY YOU."
- IT'S ONLY YOU.
- BUT I WAS JUST KIDDING.
- IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- I DIDN'T MEAN IT, BUDDY.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
- I'M SCARED.
I'D BETTER DO SOMETHING
QUICK OR I'M IN BIG TROUBLE.
WHAT AM I SCARED ABOUT?
I CAN GIVE YOU THE ANSWER
IN TWO SIMPLE WORDS:
MELISSA FROME.
AH, SOFT, PINK, CREAMY,
BEAUTIFUL MELISSA.
SHE'S A GIRL, AND WHAT A GIRL.
AND SHE'S CRAZY ABOUT ME.
PERFECT, HUH?
WELL, THAT'S WHY I'M
SCARED. IT'S TOO PERFECT.
SOMETHING'S GOTTA
HAPPEN TO SPOIL IT.
- DOBIE, DEAR, I'LL HAVE...
- A CHOCOLATE EGG
FOO YUNG SUNDAE
WITH DOUBLE WHIPPED CREAM.
- OH, DOBIE, DARLING,
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED.
- UH-HUH, YEAH.
- WOW, WONDERFUL. THAT'S
SIMPLY WONDERFUL THAT YOU KNEW.
- MM-HMM.
- YOU KNOW,
IT'S ALMOST LIKE, LIKE MAGIC.
- YEAH.
- WHAT MAGIC?
EVERY TIME YOU TWO COME IN HERE,
SHE ORDERS A CHOCOLATE
EGG FOO YUNG SUNDAE
WITH DOUBLE WHIPPED
CREAM. BIG DEAL.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- UH, MRS. TARANTINO, I'LL
JUST HAVE A GLASS OF WATER.
- HAVE A GLASS OF
WATER, PLEASE. YEAH,
I COULD HAVE FIGURED THAT
OUT. EMPTY WALLETSVILLE.
AND WE GOT NO MAGIC
BOND BETWEEN US.
- NO.
- MRS. TARANTINO WAS
CERTAINLY IMPOLITE.
I THINK YOU OUGHT TO
REPORT HER TO THE MANAGER.
- OH, I COULDN'T DO THAT.
- WELL, THEN, I WILL.
- OH, NO, NO, NO, MELISSA.
NO, TRY TO SEE IT HER WAY.
SHE WORKS SO HARD ALL DAY LONG,
AND HOW MUCH CAN
SHE MAKE IN HERE?
IN OUR CIRCLE, A DIME
IS KNOWN AS A LAVISH TIP.
- WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
- AND WHAT'S HER HOME LIFE LIKE?
I MEAN, IF MRS. TARANTINO
HAS TO WORK IN HERE,
IT MEANS MR. TARANTINO
NEEDS HER HELP.
HE'S PROBABLY SICK. WHO KNOWS?
HE'S PROBABLY
LYING THERE IN BED,
STARING AT THE CEILING,
ENCASED IN A PLASTER CAST.
- OH, THE POOR MAN.
- THE POOR WOMAN,
RUNNING AROUND IN HERE ALL DAY,
HER BACK, AND HER HEAD,
AND HER FEET MUST KILL HER.
- OH, BLESS YOU, SONNY.
THAT'S THE FIRST
KIND WORD I'VE HEARD
SINCE I'VE COME TO WORK HERE.
- HUH?
- YOU KNOW, IF I'VE BEEN
YAPPING AT YOU, IT AIN'T ME, KID,
IT'S MY FEET. THEY'RE
DOING THE SCREAMING.
- OH, WELL, TELL
THEM I UNDERSTAND.
YEAH, I UNDERSTAND,
I UNDERSTAND.
- THAT'S THE FIRST GOOD
LAUGH I'VE HAD ALL WEEK.
- YEAH.
- YOU'RE OKAY, KID.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- HOLD ON TO HIM, GIRLIE.
GOOD MEN THESE
DAYS ARE HARD TO FIND.
- OH, DOBIE.
YOU'RE THE KINDEST, SWEETEST,
GENTLEST PERSON I EVER MET.
- OH, I WOULDN'T SAY
THAT, BUT I'M GLAD YOU DID.
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
SEE WHY I'M SCARED?
IT'S JUST TOO PERFECT.
I'VE FINALLY FOUND A
GIRL WHO THINKS I'M...
- WONDERFUL, DIVINELY WONDERFUL.
- IT IS YOUR LOVE THAT
HAS MADE ME THIS WAY.
WHEN I'M WITH YOU I FEEL
FRESH, AND SPARKLING, AND ALIVE.
- OH, ME, TOO.
- IF I LOST YOU,
I'D BE A RAGGED,
USELESS, DIRTY WRECK.
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- HI.
- HELLO, MAYNARD.
- DOBE, YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW WAY OUT IT FEELS,
THE GLIMMER OF YOUR FRIENDLY
FACE IN MY HOUR OF NEED.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE?
- YEAH.
I FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY JUST
TOSSED ME IN ONE OF THEM WAGONS,
AND IT'S CARTING ME
OFF TO THE GELATIN.
- UH, THAT'S
GUILLOTINE, MAYNARD.
- YEAH, GUILLOTINE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG, MAYNARD.
YOU KNOW HOW I WORRY ABOUT YOU.
- I, LIKE, CAN'T.
- YOU'D, LIKE, BETTER.
- I, LIKE, NEED MONEY.
- I, LIKE, HAD TO ASK.
- YOU SEE? I'M DOOMED,
DOOMED, DOOMED.
- OH, STOP DRAMATIZING.
YOU KNOW I'LL HELP YOU.
JUST TELL ME HOW MUCH
MONEY YOU NEED, AND WHY.
- $6.26,
ON ACCOUNT OF THIS
CHEMISTRY COURSE
I'M TAKING IN SCHOOL.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
TAKING CHEMISTRY?
- WELL, FOR THE FIRST SIX WEEKS,
I THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE,
FOLK DANCING CLASS.
AND BY THEN I WAS TRAPPED.
- THE $6.26?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
- OH, YEAH.
- NOW, GET THIS PICTURE.
- UH-HUH.
- I'M IN THE CHEMISTRY LAB, SEE.
WE'RE, LIKE, WORKING
ON AN EXPERIMENT.
AND THE PLACE IS, LIKE,
CRAWLING WITH CHEMICALS.
AND I'M POURING AND MIXING.
AND EVERYTHING IS
STEAMING AND GURGLING.
[ SSGLUG-GLUG-GLUG,
SSGLUG-GLUG-GLUG ]
AND FUMING AND BUBBLING.
[ UMBLUB-BLUB-BLUB-BLUB,
UMBLUB-BLUB-BLUB-BLUB ]
AND FOAMING AND FROTHING.
[ FOWHOOP-FOOWHOOP-FOWHOOP ]
AND THEN IT HAPPENED.
- YOU MIXED THE
WRONG CHEMICALS, AND...
- NOT THEN.
- NOT THEN, NO. UH-HUH.
BUT WHEN I POURED THE MILK
SHAKE IN MY THERMOS BOTTLE IN IT...
- THEN.
- BAROOM, BAROOM!
THE WHOLE PLACE
WAS LIKE HURRICANE
ZAPPA GALE THROUGH ZELDA.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD.
- BAROOM, BAROOM!
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD, MAYNARD.
SO YOU NEED THE $6.26
TO PAY THE SCHOOL
FOR THE BROKEN EQUIPMENT?
- MAN, LIKE, YOU
SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT.
BAROOM, BAROOM!
- YEAH. MAYNARD,
MAYNARD, MAYNARD, ENOUGH.
HERE. BE CAREFUL,
IT'S PRACTICALLY
EVERY PENNY I OWN.
- GEE. LIKE, THANKS, DOBE.
- YEAH. MAYNARD CAN GET HIMSELF
IN THE MOST
RIDICULOUS SITUATIONS.
- DOBE, YOU'RE, LIKE,
A REAL HUMAN BEING.
- OH, DOBIE, YOU'RE SO WARM
AND KIND TO WAITRESSES
AND SO GENEROUS TO YOUR FRIENDS.
- YEAH, UH-HUH.
- WELL, YOU'VE GOT
A HEART AS BIG AS...
- ALL OUTDOORS?
- OH, AT LEAST.
- YEAH. WELL, MAYNARD
NEEDED THE MONEY.
OH, MY GOSH, THE MONEY.
- THE MONEY?
- YEAH, I WAS SAVING
IT TO BUY OUR TICKETS
FOR THE KINGSTON
TRIO SATURDAY NIGHT.
- OH, IF I DON'T SEE THE
KINGSTON TRIO, I'LL DIE.
OH, CAN'T YOU GET THE
MONEY FROM YOUR FATHER?
- SURELY YOU JEST.
- OH, I'LL DIE.
- I'LL GET THE MONEY
FROM MY FATHER.
GET MONEY FROM MY FATHER?
GET MONEY FROM MY FATHER?
GET MONEY FROM MY FATHER?
GET MONEY FROM MY FATHER?
GET MONEY FROM MY FATHER?
- NO MATTER HOW YOU SAY
IT, IT SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE.
- I GOTTA KILL THAT
BOY, I JUST GOTTA.
- HERBERT, DOBIE JUST
MADE A SIMPLE LITTLE MISTAKE.
- LEAVING A CHOCOLATE
ICE CREAM BAR
IN THE CASH REGISTER IS
A SIMPLE LITTLE MISTAKE?
- HE WAS PROBABLY JUST TAKING
SOME MONEY OUT OF THE REGISTER,
AND HE JUST HAPPENED
TO LEAVE HIS ICE CREAM BAR.
WHAT'S SO WRONG?
- WHAT'S SO WRONG?
ONE, HE WAS HELPING
HIMSELF TO THE CASH REGISTER,
TWO, HE LEFT A CHOCOLATE
ICE CREAM BAR FOR CHANGE.
THREE, YOU DON'T THINK
THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG.
THAT'S WHAT'S SO WRONG.
- SHH!
- OH, EVERY DAY, HOSPITALS
GET BABIES MIXED UP.
BUT, NO, WE HAVE TO
GET THE RIGHT ONE.
- MR. McCURDY WILL HEAR YOU.
OH, IT'S TOO LATE TO
WORRY ABOUT THAT NOW.
- FOR THREE MONTHS,
I'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR THE BANK TO SEND A MAN
OUT HERE TO CHECK THE STORE.
FOR THREE MONTHS, EVERY DAY,
I'VE CLEANED, AND I'VE DUSTED,
AND I'VE SCRUBBED SO
THAT WHEN HE GOT HERE,
THE STORE WOULD LOOK LIKE
WE'D BE A GOOD RISK FOR A LOAN.
- FINALLY, THE BIG DAY ARRIVES.
AT LAST, I'M GOING TO
GET TO BORROW $300
SO I CAN MAKE A DOWN
PAYMENT ON A GOOD USED TRUCK.
THE MAN FROM THE BANK WALKS IN.
DOES HE SEE A CLEAN STORE?
DOES HE SEE A DUSTED STORE?
DOES HE SEE A SCRUBBED STORE?
- NO, THE FIRST THING HE SEES
IS HERBERT T.
GILLIS, PROPRIETOR,
EMPTYING OUT A CASH
DRAWER FULL OF ICE CREAM
CHOCOLATE COATED NICKELS.
- HUSH, NOW. HERE HE COMES.
- WELL, UH, I SUPPOSE
YOU FOUND EVERYTHING
IN A-1, TIP-TOP, FIRST
CLASS CREDIT RATING SHAPE.
- WELL, YOUR STORE APPEARS
MODERATELY WELL RUN,
IN GENERAL.
- MR. McCURDY, ALL I
WANT IS A SMALL LOAN,
ALTHOUGH IT WOULD
BE A BIG HELP, YOU KNOW,
IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO PUT UP
WITH THAT SHOVING, AND
COAXING, AND CRANKING, AND ALL,
ON COLD MORNINGS WHEN I
HAVE TO GET OUT AND PUSH,
MY ACHING BACK.
- MR. GILLIS, SYMPATHY
WILL AVAIL YOU NOTHING.
WHEN MY BANK GRANTS AN AUDIT,
IT'S STRICTLY ON THE MERITS
OF THE CREDIT RISK INVOLVED.
- OH, WE'RE A VERY GOOD
CREDIT RISK, MR. McCURDY.
- OH, WHY, CERTAINLY. WE'VE
BORROWED FROM EVERYBODY.
[ PHONE RINGS ]
- GOOD AFTERNOON,
GILLIS GROCERY.
MR. McCURDY? JUST A MOMENT.
- OH, THANK YOU. I, UH,
ASKED THEM AT THE OFFICE
TO REFER MY CALLS
TO THIS NUMBER.
- HELP YOURSELF.
- HELLO?
YEAH, YES, THIS IS McCURDY.
IF THE-IF THE MONEY
IS NOT ON MY DESK
BY TOMORROW MORNING,
I'LL HAVE NO ALTERNATIVE
BUT TO FORECLOSE THE
MORTGAGE, MRS. TARANTINO.
- BUT IT CERTAINLY
ISN'T THE BANK'S FAULT
THAT YOUR HUSBAND
IS IN A PLASTER CAST.
NOW, UH, WHERE WERE WE?
- NOWHERE.
- HI, DAD, MOM. OH.
- SON, WHY DON'T YOU
GO OUT IN THE PARK
AND PLAY A LITTLE FOOTBALL?
- WELL, FOOTBALL
SEASON'S OVER, DAD.
- THEN HOW ABOUT A
FEW INNINGS OF BASEBALL?
- OH, BASEBALL SEASON
HASN'T STARTED YET.
- CHASE A BARREL, THEN.
NOW, LET'S SEE YOU FIND
AN ANSWER TO THAT ONE.
- YOU'RE ACTING FUNNY, DAD.
AREN'T YOU FEELING WELL?
- NOT LATELY.
- OH, MR. McCURDY,
THIS IS OUR SON, DOBIE.
- HELLO, MR. McCURDY.
- HELLO, YOUNG MAN.
- DOBIE, DEAR, WHY
DON'T YOU GO UPSTAIRS
AND GET YOURSELF SOMETHING
TO EAT OUT OF THE ICEBOX?
- OH, THANKS, MOM, BUT
THERE'S PLENTY DOWN HERE.
- THIS SORT OF FOULS UP
THE STORE'S BOOKKEEPING,
BUT BUSINESS HAS
BEEN SO BAD LATELY,
IT DOESN'T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE.
- DOBIE, DEAR, I HAVE
A WONDERFUL IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU
AND I GO FOR A WALK
AROUND THE BLOCK?
YOU NEED THE EXERCISE.
OH, NO, MOM, I DON'T NEED THE...
- WELL, THEN, I
NEED THE EXERCISE.
GOODBYE, MR. McCURDY,
GOODBYE, HERBERT.
- DADDY, I DON'T INTEND TO
WAIT IN THE CAR ANY LONGER.
I'M DYING TO GET TO THE STABLES
AND BREAK THAT
STALLION'S SPIRIT.
- MR. GILLIS, THIS IS
MY DAUGHTER, MIGNON.
- WELL, I'M VERY HAPPY
TO KNOW YOU, MISS.
COULD I GET YOU A COLD
DRINK, OR SOMETHING?
ANYTHING YOU WANT.
- HIM.
- HIM, WHO?
- THE BOY WHO WAS JUST DRAGGED
OUT OF HERE, THE CUTE ONE
WITH THE BLONDE HAIR
AND THE WEAK CHIN.
- GILLIS, SHE MUST
MEAN YOUR SON.
- DOBIE? LOOK, MISS,
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE
YOURSELF A BREAK
AND SETTLE FOR A
COLD DRINK? [ LAUGH ]
- DADDY, TELL MR. GILLIS TO
ARRANGE AN INTRODUCTION.
- WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT,
BUT I DON'T SEE
ANY REASON FOR IT.
OH, DOBIE'S A NICE
ENOUGH KID, AND ALL THAT,
BUT, UH, HE IS NEVER GOING
TO SET THE WORLD ON FIRE.
IN FACT, SOMETIMES I WONDER
IF HE'S EVEN GOING TO GET
AROUND TO LIGHTING THE FUSE.
- I KNEW THAT THE
MINUTE I SAW HIM.
THAT'S WHY I WANT HIM.
HE'S UNFORMED,
FLEXIBLE, PLIABLE,
THE KIND I CAN MOLD AND
SHAPE TO FIT MY OWN TASTE.
GIVE ME THE
NAMBY-PAMBIES EVERY TIME.
- NAMBY-PAMBY? NOW,
JUST A MINUTE, MISS.
HE MAY BE A NAMBY-PAMBY,
BUT HE IS MY NAMBY-PAMBY.
AND NOBODY'S GONNA CALL
HIM A NAMBY-PAMBY BUT ME.
- MR. GILLIS, YOU
ARE, I BELIEVE,
APPLYING FOR A LOAN?
- THAT HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH MY SON,
HAS IT, MR. McCURDY? HAS IT?
IT HAS? IT HAS.
YOU WERE SAYING, MISS?
- I AM GIVING A PARTY
SATURDAY NIGHT.
YOUR SON WILL BE MY DATE.
HAVE HIM CALL ON ME TOMORROW,
WE'LL DISCUSS THE DETAILS.
ANY QUESTIONS?
- NO QUESTIONS.
- GOOD. DADDY?
- YOU SHOULD MEET HER MOTHER.
- YOU MEAN DAD COULD
REALLY LOSE THAT LOAN
ON ACCOUNT OF WHAT I DID?
- I'M AFRAID SO, DEAR.
ESTABLISHING CREDIT AT A
BANK IS A VERY TOUCHY THING.
- MOM, I REALLY GOOF, DON'T I?
I, I GUESS I'M JUST NO GOOD.
- OH, THAT'S NOT TRUE, DEAR.
YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, YOU'RE
JUST A LITTLE THOUGHTLESS.
- JUST A LOT THOUGHTLESS.
I'VE GOT TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN
TO HELP DAD GET THE
LOAN FOR THAT NEW TRUCK.
- POOR DAD, HE'S SO
OVERWORKED, AND TIRED,
AND DECREPIT, AND WORN OUT.
- DOBIE, DEAR, YOUR
SENTIMENTS DO YOU CREDIT.
BUT YOU MAKE HIM
SOUND AWFULLY OLD.
- WELL, MOM, HE'S PUSHING 45.
- WELL, DEAR, SO AM I.
- MOM, I'D BETTER HELP YOU HOME.
- NO, THANK YOU, DEAR.
I THINK I CAN MANAGE
VERY NICELY ALL BY MYSELF.
- NO, HERE, NO, JUST COME ALONG.
- LIKE, HI.
- OH, IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- OH, "IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD."
EVERY PLACE I GO, IT'S,
LIKE, THE STORY OF MY LIFE.
"IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD."
- MAYNARD, I DIDN'T
MEAN IT THAT WAY.
- LIKE, HOW ELSE COULD YOU
MEAN IT? "IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD."
- LOOK, I WAS EXPECTING
SOMEBODY ELSE.
I HEARD THE DOOR OPEN,
IT WASN'T THE PERSON
I WAS EXPECTING.
HERE, HAVE A PIECE OF CANDY.
- SURE, BRIBES,
IT WAS ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- NO, THAT'S WRONG.
- MAYNARD, I DIDN'T
MEAN TO HURT YOUR...
- IS MR. McCURDY STILL HER?
OH, IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- "IT'S ONLY YOU,
MAYNARD. ONLY YOU."
- WHAT, WHAT, WHAT DID I DO?
- MAYNARD.
- WHAT, WHY, WHAT IS IT?
- DAD, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
- AND I WANT TO
TALK TO YOU, BOY.
- DAD, I'VE SPENT
HALF MY LIFE...
- NOW, I'VE BEEN ASKING
YOU TO DO A LOT OF THINGS...
- MAKING EXCUSES
TO GET OUT OF WORK.
AND I WOULDN'T BLAME YOU
IF YOU NEVER ASKED ME AGAIN.
A FRIENDLY CONVERSATION
BETWEEN FATHER AND SON?
NOT ON YOUR LIFE.
THAT FATHER IS TRYING
TO SELL HIS OWN SON.
- HERBERT! ARE YOU
SELLING YOUR OWN SON?
- WELL, IT'S A CINCH I'M
NOT GIVING HIM AWAY.
LOOK, CAN YOU BLAME ME
FOR WANTING TO
GET IN WITH McCURDY?
HIS DAUGHTER WALKS
IN HERE THIS AFTERNOON,
GETS A LOOK AT THE
KID'S KISSER AND LIKES IT.
WHY, I'LL NEVER KNOW.
SO I MAKE A DATE WITH HIM
FOR HER FOR SATURDAY NIGHT,
AND HE IS GOING TO KEEP IT.
HE OWES IT TO HIS POOR OLD
FATHER WHO SUPPORTS HIM,
WHO WALKED THE FLOOR WITH
HIM WHEN THE HAD THE COLIC,
WHO HAD BRACES PUT ON HIS
TEETH SO THEY'D COME IN STRAIGHT,
AND WHO WILL BREAK EVERY BONE
IN HIS UNGRATEFUL HEAD
IF HE DON'T, SO HELP ME.
- MOM'S RIGHT. I WILL NOT
SELL MYSELF FOR MONEY.
- I'M NOT ASKING YOU
TO! I WILL DO IT FOR YOU.
- OH, I'D LIKE TO HELP, DAD,
BUT YOU'RE ASKING TOO MUCH.
- YES, YOU ARE.
- WAIT, WAIT, DO ME ONE FAVOR,
JUST GO OVER AND SEE THIS
McCURDY GIRL TOMORROW.
JUST MEET HER. JUST TALK
TO HER, THAT'S ALL I ASK.
AND THEN IF YOU DON'T
WANT TO KEEP THE DATE
SATURDAY NIGHT,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
- THAT SOUNDS FAIR TO ME, DOBIE.
- OH, HO, IT IS FAIR.
IS IT A DEAL, SON?
- SO MY FATHER THINKS I'M
A HUMAN SACRIFICE, HUH?
WELL, I'M NOT.
I MEAN, I'M HUMAN, ALL RIGHT,
BUT IF THAT MIGNON McCURDY
THINKS SHE'S GONNA GET ME
IN HER CLUTCHES, SHE'S
GOT ANOTHER CLUTCH COMING.
- NO, SIR, I'M HANDLING
EVERYTHING MY WAY.
- REMEMBER, DADDY,
WHEN HE GETS HERE,
I'M HANDLING EVERYTHING MY WAY.
- POOR FISH DOESN'T
HAVE A CHANCE.
- OH, HERE HE COMES.
WELL, I'M HAPPY TO SEE
HE ISN'T ARRIVING LATE.
- HE WOULDN'T DARE.
- DADDY.
- I'M ON MY WAY.
- WELL, HELLO, MR. McCURDY.
- COME INTO OUR PARLOR...
- THANK YOU.
- SAID THE SPIDER TO THE FLY.
- DADDY.
- OH, DOBIE, HOW GOOD,
HOW VERY GOOD TO SEE
YOU. COME AND SIT DOWN.
- WELL, LIKEWISE, MISS
McCURDY. THANK YOU.
- YOU MAY CALL ME MIGNON.
- WELL, THANK YOU. AND
YOU MAY CALL ME DOBIE.
- I ALREADY DID.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
- NOW, TELL ME, DOBIE, WHAT
ARE YOUR SCHOOL AMBITIONS?
- TO GET OUT, IF I CAN.
- NO, NO, DEAR BOY.
WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS,
WHAT SUBJECTS DO YOU LIKE BEST?
- OH, NONE OF THEM. I
JUST WANT TO GET OUT.
- GOOD. I'M PLEASED.
- YOU ARE?
- YOU ARE CLAY.
- CLAY?
- CLAY. I AM THE SCULPTOR.
I WILL MOLD YOU AND FORM YOU
INTO THE EXACT IMAGE I REQUIRE.
- JUST A MINUTE.
JUST A DARN MINUTE.
- THE SAME THING HAPPENED
WITH MY MOTHER AND DADDY.
- I...
- ONE LOOK AT HIM,
AND SHE KNEW HE
WAS THE UNFORMED,
FLEXIBLE, PLIABLE TYPE
SHE WAS SEARCHING FOR.
- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
- DADDY, YOU KNOW MOTHER HAS
FORBIDDEN YOU TO USE THAT CHAIR.
THE HAIR OIL STAINS
THE UPHOLSTERY.
NOW, WHERE WAS I?
- OUT OF LINE.
NOW, LOOK, MIGNON, I APPRECIATE
YOUR FEELINGS TOWARD ME,
BUT THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE.
- SOMEONE ELSE? A GIRL?
- A GIRL, QUITE A GIRL,
WE HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING. NOW...
- THIS GIRL, WILL SHE PROPEL
YOU UP THE LADDER OF SUCCESS
THE WAY I WILL?
- WELL, NO.
- WILL SHE FORGE A SOLID
ROCK OF ACHIEVEMENT
OUT OF THE GOOEY CLAY
OF YOUR MEDIOCRITY?
- MIGNON, SHE LOVES ME,
GOOEY AND CLAYEY THOUGH I AM.
- I'M AFRAID I'LL HAVE
TO MOVE UP TO...
- YOU CAN MOVE UP ANYTHING...
- YOUR FATHER HAS APPLIED
TO MY FATHER FOR A LOAN.
THIS LOAN IS NEEDED FOR A
DOWN PAYMENT ON A TRUCK.
- POOR FISH.
- THIS TRUCK IS
DESPERATELY NEEDED
TO SAVE WHATEVER IS LEFT
OF YOUR FATHER'S ACHING BACK.
THIS WOULD PROLONG
HIS CAREWORN LIFE.
AM I ACCURATE?
- ACCURATE, BUT
COMPLETELY INCORRECT.
A BANK LOAN HAPPENS TO BE A
STRICTLY BUSINESS PROPOSITION
BETWEEN, "A," THE
PARTY OF THE FIRST PART,
NAMELY THE BANK, AND, " B,"
THE PARTY OF THE SECOND PART,
NAMELY HERBERT T. GILLIS, MY
FATHER, ALL OF WHICH MATTERS
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
HAS IT, MR. McCURDY? HAS IT?
IT HAS.
- WELL, MIGNON, WHAT
WAS IT YOU WERE SAYING?
HERE I AM, CAUGHT ON
THE HORNS OF A DILEMMA.
BOY.
I MEAN, IF THERE'S ANYTHING
YOU DON'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT
ON THE HORNS
OF, A DILEMMA IS IT.
DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS.
MELISSA IS BEAUTIFUL AND SOFT.
MIGNON IS BEAUTIFUL AND HARD.
AND MY FATHER IS, WELL,
WHAT CAN YOU SAY
ABOUT MY FATHER?
[ PHONE RINGS ]
- OH, STOP RINGING
YOUR FOOL HEAD OFF,
OR I'LL KNOT YOUR CORD.
[ PHONE RINGS ]
GILLIS GROCERIES.
OH, OH, HELLO, ED.
NO, I WAS JUST CLOSING UP.
YEAH, I GOT TO STAY OPEN LATE
THESE DAYS TO MAKE A BUCK.
OH, THE COMPETITION
IS MURDERING ME.
I'VE GOT TO PUT IN
THE EXTRA HOURS
IF I'M EVEN GONNA BREAK EVEN.
NO, ED, I HAVEN'T
BEEN GETTING DOWN
TO THE LEGION HALL LATELY.
IT'S THESE HOURS. AFTER
ALL, I'M UP IN THE MORNING.
I GOT TO BE DOWN TO THE
PRODUCE MARKET BY 5:00 AM,
PUSHING THAT TRUCK
OF MINE HALF THE WAY.
AND ON COLD MORNINGS WHEN
I HAVE TO CRANK THAT THING,
IT'S SURE ROUGH ON THE LUMBAGO.
THEN IN THE STORE ALL DAY,
ON MY FEET, WHICH
ARE KILLING ME.
AND THEN AFTER I CLOSE UP,
I GOTTA WORK ON THE BOOKS.
YEAH, ED, WELL,
SAY HELLO TO SHORTY AND ALL
THE GANG DOWN AT THE LEGION.
THANKS FOR CALLING. SO LONG, ED.
- OH, DAD, POOR DAD.
KEEP THIS AROUND YOUR WEARY
OLD SHOULDERS, DEAR OLD DAD.
I'M YOUNG, I DON'T NEED IT.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
HAVE YOU SLIPPED A
CYLINDER, OR SOMETHING?
- DAD, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
MIGNON McCURDY IS A FINE GIRL,
AND I'M GOING OUT WITH HER
SATURDAY NIGHT, AND EVERY NIGHT,
AS LONG AS SHE
AND HER NEW TRUCK...
UH, FATHER WILL HAVE ME.
- HA, HA, MY SON.
- DAD, HERE, KEEP WARM.
- OH, MY SON.
- KEEP WARM, DAD.
- YEAH.
- I FIGURE THAT IN TIME, I
CAN GET USED TO MIGNON.
I MEAN, I CAN GROW
KIND OF A SHELL,
LIKE A, LIKE AN ARMADILLO,
OR LIKE HER FATHER.
BUT MELISSA, HOW AM I GONNA
TELL HER THAT WE'RE THROUGH,
SWEET, SENSITIVE MELISSA?
I'LL TRY TO BREAK
IT TO HER GENTLY.
- YES, DOBIE? YES, MY SOUL MATE?
- I, I, I, I CAN'T DO
IT. CHOCOLATE...
- CHOCOLATE EGG FOO YUNG
SUNDAE WITH DOUBLE WHIPPED CREAM.
- OH, DOBIE, DARLING,
THAT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED.
OH, YOU'RE SO
GENTLE AND SO SWEET,
AND SO UNDERSTANDING.
- AND SO YELLOW.
BUT WHAT COULD I DO?
HOW ELSE CAN YOU TREAT A GIRL
WHO LOOKS ON YOU AS
SOME SORT OF EAGLE SCOUT
WITH 135 MERIT BADGES?
NOPE. I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.
I'D RATHER DO ANYTHING
RATHER THAN HURT THAT
SWEET, SENSITIVE MELISSA.
MIGNON, YOU'RE
NOT GONNA LIKE THIS,
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING
I GOT TO TELL YOU.
- BEFORE YOU DO, HOW
IS YOUR FATHER'S BACK?
- NOW, NOW, WHA...
MY FATHER'S BACK?
- HIS SORE BACK, YOU KNOW,
FROM PUSHING THAT OLD TRUCK
AROUND AND WAITING FOR HIS LOAN.
- OH, THAT, THAT BACK.
- THAT BACK, YES.
NOW, WHAT WERE
YOU GOING TO TELL ME?
- I FORGOT.
- YOU FORGOT. OKAY. TA-TA.
- SO LONG.
- YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T QUITE
BROKEN THAT STALLION YET.
BUT IT WON'T BE LONG NOW.
- OH, I BET IT WON'T.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY. I GIVE UP.
SO POOR, SWEET,
SENSITIVE MELISSA
WILL JUST HAVE TO SUFFER AND
LOSE THE MAN OF HER DREAMS.
WAIT.
WHAT IF IT TURNS OUT THAT I
WASN'T THE MAN OF HER DREAMS?
WHAT IF SHE FOUND OUT
THAT UNDER THIS SWEET,
GENTLE EXTERIOR THERE
BEATS A CRUEL, MEAN INTERIOR?
YEAH, YEAH, A CRUEL,
MEAN INTERIOR.
I, I MEAN, I'D JUST
PRETEND TO BE THAT WAY.
ACTUALLY, MY INTERIOR
IS JUST AS SWEET AND
GENTLE AS MY EXTERIOR,
MAYBE EVEN MORE SO.
I'LL DO IT. IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
EITHER THAT, OR FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE,
I'LL HAVE MY FATHER'S ACHING
BACK ON MY ACHING BACK.
- LIKE, HI, MELISSA. I'M
WAITING FOR DOBIE, TOO.
YOU SEE, HE'S MY GOOD BUDDY.
AND WHEN YOU GOT A
GOOD BUDDY LIKE OLD DOBE,
JUST MEETING HIM AND SAYING,
LIKE, "HIYA, GOOD BUDDY,"
MAKES YOU FEEL
BIG AND IMPORTANT.
- OH, HERE HE IS.
- LIKE, HIYA, GOOD BUDDY.
- OH, IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD,
IT'S ONLY... DOBE, GOOD BUDDY,
YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE
THAT, DID YOU, HUH, DID YOU?
- I MEANT IT JUST
THE WAY IT SOUNDED.
IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD,
YOU, YOU UNWASHED BEATNIK.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE. I'M SICK
OF THAT SLOPPY SWEATSHIRT.
- IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
SAY, LIKE, YOU DIDN'T
MEAN IT, HUH, BUDDY?
- I SAID IT AND I MEANT IT.
WHERE'S THE MONEY I LOANED YOU?
- I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE
TO ROUND UP ENOUGH...
- STOP WITH THE EXCUSES. JUST
COUGH UP WHAT YOU OWE ME
OR YOUR FATHER'S
GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT.
OR IS HE A DEADBEAT, TOO?
- IT'S ONLY YOU.
MAYNARD. IT'S ONLY YOU.
ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- DOBIE, WHY...
- WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
- WHAT I ALWAYS HAVE, DOBIE,
MY SWEET, A CHOCOLATE...
- OH, NOT AGAIN.
CAN'T YOU THINK OF
ANYTHING MORE ORIGINAL
THAN THE SAME OLD
JUNK DAY AFTER DAY,
WEEK AFTER WEEK?
- DOBIE, MY SWEET.
- AND STOP CALLING
ME DOBIE, MY SWEET!
YOU'RE LIKE A BROKEN RECORD.
ALWAYS THE SAME
WORDS, THE SAME FOOD,
THE SAME EXPRESSION
ON YOUR FACE.
- OH, DOBIE.
- HI, KID.
- IT'S MR. KID TO YOU.
- HUH?
- HOW CAN YOU TALK TO POOR
MRS. TARANTINO THAT WAY?
REMEMBER, SHE'S GOT TROUBLES.
- TROUBLES?
WAIT TILL YOU HEAR WHAT
HAPPENED SINCE LAST TIME.
THE BANK FORECLOSED
ON OUR MORTGAGE.
TWO FELLAS CAME IN THE HOUSE
AND PUT WHEELS UNDER
MY HUSBAND'S CAST
AND ROLLED HIM RIGHT
OUT OF THE HOUSE.
HE SPENT THE WHOLE
NIGHT ON THE SIDEWALK.
- OH, GEE, THAT'S TERR...
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY
CAN'T BLAME ME OR THE BANK.
PAY YOUR BILLS ON TIME,
OR JOIN MAYNARD'S CLUB.
- WHAT'S GOING ON? YOU
WERE SUCH A NICE, KIND KID,
AND NOW YOU'RE
TURNED INTO A MONSTER.
- LOOK.
- GEE,
YOU'RE A REGULAR
MR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE.
- CALL THE MANAGER. NO
FLUNKY TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT!
- CALL THE MANAGER, YOU HEAR?
- OH, DOBIE GILLIS,
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU
AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.
OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SO SWEET AND GENTLE,
AND, AND SENSITIVE,
AND, OH, BUT THAT'S
ONLY YOUR EXTERIOR.
WELL, YOUR INTERIOR
IS, IS CRUDE...
- AND MEAN.
- AND MEAN.
- GOODBYE FOREVER,
OR EVEN LONGER!
- AND THAT GOES
FOR ME, TOO, RIPPER.
GIVE ME THOSE EXTRA
GLASSES OF WATER. HUMPH.
- I'M NOT REALLY...
- BOO!
- I WAS JUST DOING
THAT SO SHE WOULDN'T...
- BOO!
- BUT I'M NOT...
- BOO! BOO!
- AH...
- NYAH!
- HI, MIGNON.
- HELLO, DOBIE.
I HEARD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
DOWN AT THE MALT SHOP.
YOU WERE WONDERFUL.
EVERYONE SAYS YOU WERE HATEFUL,
BEAUTIFULLY, MAGNIFICENTLY,
DELIGHTFULLY HATEFUL.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
I DIDN'T WANT TO
HURT THOSE PEOPLE.
I ONLY DID IT SO MELISSA
WOULDN'T LIKE ME ANYMORE.
BUT MAYNARD'S MY FRIEND,
AND MELISSA'S A SWEET,
SENSITIVE, ARTISTIC GIRL,
AND MRS. TARANTINO'S A NICE LADY
WHO HAS TO WORK
HARD FOR A LIVING.
HER, HER HUSBAND'S
IN A CAST ON WHEELS
ON THE SIDEWALK SOMEWHERE.
- DOBIE, GOOD GUYS FINISH LAST.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE HARD AND TOUGH,
GRAB WHAT YOU WANT.
OH, I CAN SEE YOU NOW,
STAMPEDING STOCKHOLDERS,
CLOSING DOWN ON MORTGAGES.
OH, BUT DOBIE, YOU'LL BE
THE MAN I'VE ALWAYS WANTED.
I'LL TELL DADDY TO PUT THROUGH
YOUR FATHER'S LOAN AT ONCE.
- NO.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?
- NEGATIVE, UH-UH, NO.
- WHAT ABOUT THAT
OLD, BEAT UP TRUCK
AND YOUR POOR FATHER'S LUMBAGO?
- YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF
MY POOR FATHER'S LUMBAGO.
- DOBIE, I DEMAND THAT YOU
STOP TALKING BACK
TO ME THAT WAY.
- NO.
- NO?
- NEGATIVE, UH-UH, NO, MIGNON.
NO, I WANT MY FATHER
TO HAVE THAT NEW TRUCK.
BUT NOT THIS WAY.
NO, NO, I'LL GET UP
AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING
AND GO DOWN TO THE
PRODUCE MARKET MYSELF.
I, I, I'LL WORK AND I'LL SLAVE,
BUT I'M NOT KICKING
MY FRIENDS IN THE TEETH
WHEN THEIR BACKS ARE TURNED.
- BE CAREFUL, OR YOU WON'T
EVEN GET SECOND PORTIONS
AT THE POOR HOUSE.
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
- GILLIS, I OVERHEARD YOUR
CONVERSATION WITH MY DAUGHTER.
- OH, I'M SORRY, MR. McCURDY.
BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT.
- HOW DID YOU DO IT?
- YOU SEE, MAYNARD'S
MY FRIEND, AND MELISS...
HOW DID I DO IT?
- YES, HOW DID YOU TALK
BACK TO HER LIKE THAT?
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO DO
THAT TO HER MOTHER FOR YEARS,
BUT... TELL ME, MY BOY, TELL ME.
- YOU START OFF BY SAYING NO.
AND, AND, AND NO.
TRY IT.
- NO.
- I'M THINKING IT,
BUT IT'S BEEN SO LONG, I
CAN'T GET IT PAST MY LIPS.
- YEAH, WELL, WHAT WOULD
YOU SAY IF I ASKED FOR A LOAN?
- NO!
- HEY, THERE.
- IT WORKS THAT WAY.
- YEAH, YEAH, BE FIRMER NOW. NO!
- NO!
NEGATIVE, UH-UH.
- NEGATIVE, UH-UH. NO.
- TRY IT AGAIN WITH
MORE PAIN IN IT.
- NO. NO. OH, NO!
NO, NO, HUH? YEAH, YEAH.
- WELL, IT TOOK A
LOT OF UNTANGLING
TO UNTANGLE THIS TANGLED WEB.
BUT IT WORKED OUT PRETTY WELL.
MR. McCURDY LEARNED TO
SAY NO TO HIS DAUGHTER.
AND THEN HE LEARNED
TO SAY NO TO HIS WIFE.
AND NOW HE'S OUT AT THE STABLE
TRYING TO SAY NO
TO A WILD STALLION.
AND I'M HOPING HE'LL SAY
YES TO MY FATHER'S LOAN.
BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS
THAT I'VE STRAIGHTENED
EVERYTHING OUT
WITH MY OLD BUDDY,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
[ OCARINA PLAYING ]
- HERE HE COMES. NOW
WATCH THIS. I'M GONNA HAVE
A LITTLE FUN WITH HIM.
- HI, GOOD BUDDY.
- MAYNARD, IT'S ONLY YOU.
- OH, MAYNARD, IT'S ONLY YOU.
- LOOK, MAYNARD
IT WAS ONLY A JOKE.
- MAYNARD, IT'S ONLY YOU.
- I THOUGHT YOU'D GET
A KICK OUT OF IT IF I SAID,
"MAYNARD, IT'S ONLY YOU."
- IT'S ONLY YOU.
- BUT I WAS JUST KIDDING.
- IT'S ONLY YOU, MAYNARD.
- I DIDN'T MEAN IT, BUDDY.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪