The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 28 - Live Alone and Like It - full transcript
At age 17½, Dobie feels that his parents still treat him like a child, but each in a different way. While Winnie coddles him, Herbert enacts overly strict household rules, both which he believes stifles his freedom. His solution: move out of the house. After Dobie does much arguing with his parents on this issue, Herbert eventually allows Dobie to move out if only he agrees that he will no longer bring up the issue if he finds that after the fact that he really was not ready to be on his own and wants to come home. Herbert believes Dobie just needs to get it out of his system before coming to his senses. Conversely, Herbert agrees not to drag Dobie home against his will. Dobie quickly learns that he financially cannot make it on his own, and gets a willing roommate: Maynard. But Dobie and Maynard together find that they really aren't ready to be on their own as they can't cook or clean or manage their money, but Dobie won't give Herbert the satisfaction by moving home. On the other side, Herbert reluctantly admits to Winnie that he misses Dobie but won't drag him home. Winnie may have a solution to break the male Gillis stalemate to get both what they really want without either losing face.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
- LOOK AT ME, 17 1/2 YEARS OLD,
AND MY PARENTS THINK
I'M STILL AN INFANT.
BOY, WOULDN'T THAT BUG YOU?
I MEAN, HERE I AM,
TREATED LIKE A BABY
WHEN I'VE BEEN SHAVING
FOR A YEAR ALREADY.
SOMETIMES I EVEN USE
A BLADE IN THE RAZOR.
- THE AWFUL THING IS,
IT'S ONLY HUMAN BEINGS
WHO REFUSE TO ADMIT IT
WHEN THEIR CHILDREN GROW UP.
TAKE ANY OTHER ANIMAL.
TAKE KANGAROO PARENTS.
WHEN THEIR LITTLE BEAST
CAN TAKE CARE OF
HIMSELF, AWAY HE HOPS.
BUT PEOPLE PARENTS, HA.
THEY HANG ON TO
THEIR LITTLE BEASTS
TILL THEY'RE PAST 20,
CLEAR INTO MIDDLE AGE.
IT'S CONTRARY TO NATURE.
I MEAN, YOU SHOW ME ONE KANGAROO
WHO'S 17 1/2
AND STILL HACKING
AROUND THE POUCH.
- SO WHERE ARE YOU
GONNA GET ANOTHER POUCH
WITH SIX MEALS A DAY
AND A LOADED
REFRIGERATOR BUILT IN?
- I WAS ONLY USING THE
KANGAROO AS A FIGURE OF SPEECH.
GEE, DAD, YOU JUST
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- THAT'S ONE OF
THE FEW PLEASURES
REMAINING TO ME
AT MY AGE IN LIFE.
NOW PIPE DOWN, WILL YOU,
AND LET ME FIND OUT
WHAT'S GOING ON THE WORLD.
HA, THAT DICK TRACY.
ON SUNDAY, WHEN HE'S IN COLOR,
HE ALWAYS WEARS A GREEN
HAT AND A YELLOW OVERCOAT.
- ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,
THAT COMING HOME LAST
NIGHT AT QUARTER TO 11:00,
WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE HOME AT 10:30,
IS NOT THE GREATEST CRIME
SINCE THE ST.
VALENTINE'S DAY MASSACRE.
- SAY, GIVE ME SOME MORE
OF THAT, WILL YOU, WINNIE?
YOU KNOW, YOU
SCRAMBLE A MEAN EGG.
- 15 MINUTES LATE AND
YOU LOCK ALL THE DOORS.
- AND BOLT ALL THE WINDOWS.
- YEAH, I ALMOST GOT ARRESTED
TRYING TO BREAK
INTO MY OWN HOUSE.
IT WAS VERY EMBARRASSING.
- YOU POOR BOY.
- WHY NOT GO WHOLE HOG
AND ISSUE ME A STRIPED SUIT
AND A TIN CUP TO BANG
ON THE BARS WITH?
THERE'S NO FREEDOM
IN THIS HOUSE.
I'M TREATED LIKE A CHILD.
- HEY, YOU KNOW THAT
DADDY WARBUCKS?
HE HAD A HAIRCUT LIKE THAT
YEARS BEFORE YUL BRYNNER.
- I MUST BE GIVEN
MORE INDEPENDENCE.
THE LITTLE BIRD LEARNS
TO TEST ITS WINGS
BY BEING PUSHED FROM THE NEST.
I ASK FOR THE SAME RIGHT.
- IF NOBODY PUSHES YOU,
PROMISE ME ONE
THING. YOU'LL JUMP.
- HERBERT!
THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK TO DOBIE.
YOU KNOW HOW SENSITIVE HE IS.
THERE, THERE, DARLING,
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT.
- STOP THAT, MOM. DON'T YOU SEE?
YOU'RE TREATING
ME LIKE A CHILD, TOO.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO TAKE
CARE OF THINGS FOR ME.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO PROTECT ME.
I...
- ONE MORE INTERRUPTION,
AND YOU WILL NEED ALL THE
PROTECTION YOU CAN GET.
- I WILL REJECT IT.
I PREFER TO STAND
ON MY OWN TWO FEET.
- WELL, WHILE YOU ARE
ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET,
HOW ABOUT PUTTING A BROOM
IN YOUR OWN TWO HANDS,
AND DOING A LITTLE
WORK AROUND HERE,
JUST AS A CHANGE OF PACE, HUH?
- OH, WHAT'S THE USE?
IN CHINA, THEY USED TO TIE ROPES
AROUND THE LITTLE GIRLS' FEET
SO THE FEET WOULDN'T GROW.
YOU'RE DOING THE
SAME THING TO MY MIND,
KEEPING IT SMALL,
UNDEVELOPED, AND PUNY.
- SO THAT'S WHAT
HAPPENED TO IT, HUH?
- HERBERT, IT IS YOUR
DUTY AS A FATHER
TO LISTEN TO THE BOY.
- WHY? I LISTENED
TO HIM LAST YEAR.
ALL RIGHT. GO
AHEAD, I'M LISTENING.
- THANK YOU.
I AM NOT BEING
ALLOWED TO GROW UP.
- BIG DEAL.
- HERBERT, DOBIE IS RIGHT.
PARENTS ARE ALWAYS TRYING
TO TREAT THEIR CHILDREN
LIKE INFANTS BECAUSE
THEY THEMSELVES
ARE TRYING TO HANG
ON TO THEIR OWN YOUTH.
- HOGWASH.
- IT IS NOT.
IT IS A PROVEN, SCIENTIFIC FACT,
PROVEN BY SCIENTIFIC SCIENTISTS.
- I'LL BET YOU GOT THAT
OUT OF ONE OF THEM
LAME-BRAINED WOMEN'S
MAGAZINES OF YOURS.
- THEY ARE EXCELLENT MAGAZINES.
- TO WRAP FISH HEADS IN.
- LISTEN, I NEED TO TEST
MY WITS AND STRENGTH
AGAINST THE SLINGS AND ARROWS
OF THE WORLD IN WHICH I LIVE.
- HOGWASH, PURE,
GRADE "A" HOGWASH.
- HERBERT! NOW, GO ON, DEAR.
TELL US, HOW CAN WE HELP
YOU SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM?
- IT'S SIMPLE.
JUST LET ME MOVE AWAY FROM HOME.
- HERBERT! ARE YOU GOING
TO SIT THERE AND LISTEN
TO THAT PURE, GRADE "A" HOGWASH?
- NOW, HOLD ON.
- BUT DOBIE, DARLING,
YOU'RE ONLY A BABY.
- I'M 17 1/2.
- WELL, AN OLD BABY,
AND THEY'RE THE WORST KIND.
- MOTHER, YOU'RE CHOKING
ME WITH A SILVER CORD.
- YEAH. WHY DON'T
YOU TRY WHOPPING HIM
WITH ONE OF THEM
SCIENTIFIC MAGAZINE ARTICLES?
- WELL, THAT ARTICLE
WAS ABOUT OTHER
PEOPLE'S CHILDREN.
- LOOK, THERE'S NO SENSE
IN GETTING YOUR HACKLES UP.
THE BOY IS NOT MOVING
OUT. NOW GET THAT STRAIGHT!
- LOWER YOUR VOICE.
THE MAGAZINES SAY
THAT IT IS DANGEROUS
TO SPEAK HARSHLY TO CHILDREN.
- YOU WANT HIM TO
STAY, DON'T YOU?
- OF COURSE, DON'T YOU?
- WELL, RIGHT NOW,
IT'S SIX TO FIVE,
AND TAKE YOUR PICK.
- WHAT?
- YES, YES. I WANT HIM TO STAY.
NOW, YOU HEAR ME GOOD, MISTER...
- SOFTER.
- LITTLE BIRD, YOU ARE NOT
GOING TO FLY AWAY FROM THE NEST.
AND DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
- I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY.
- BECAUSE YOU WOULD
STARVE TO DEATH
BEFORE YOU GOT YOUR
TAIL FEATHERS WARMED UP,
THAT'S WHY!
- I WOULD NOT!
- AH, YOU'D BE CRAWLING
BACK HERE IN A WEEK,
UNWASHED, UNSHAVED,
A PHYSICAL WRECK.
- YOU RANG?
- GOOD MORNING,
MRS. GILLIS, MR. GILLIS.
HOW IS EVERY LITTLE
THING, FRIENDS?
- UH, MAYNARD, WOULD YOU
MIND COMING BACK A LITTLE LATER?
WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A
LITTLE FAMILY DISCUSSION.
- YEAH, AT MY HOUSE, TOO.
TOLD ME, LIKE, LEAVE
THE ROOM, AND THEY, LIKE,
START SLUGGING IT OUT.
- HEY, BIG DADDY, AIN'T YOU
GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY?
- OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.
- YEAH, I, LIKE, FORGET
ALMOST EVERY DAY.
- DAD, YOU'RE NOT BEING FAIR
IF YOU SAY I COULDN'T MAKE
GOOD AWAY FROM HOME.
I MEAN, GETTING USED
TO A NEW ENVIRONMENT
WOULD BE NO PROBLEM
TO A BASICALLY
SELF-SUFFICIENT PERSON LIKE ME.
- I MEAN, IT ISN'T AS IF I
WAS A HELPLESS TYPE
WHO COULDN'T DO
THINGS FOR HIMSELF.
- LET'S FACE IT, ANYBODY
CAN BE WAITED ON,
BUT IT TAKES A REAL MAN
TO BE HONESTLY
SELF-RELIANT. APPLE?
- BETTER FOR YOUR SYSTEM, DEAR.
- OH.
I PROMISE YOU, DAD, YOU
WOULDN'T HAVE A THING
TO WORRY ABOUT IF I
WENT OUT ON MY OWN.
I'D HANDLE MY LIFE CALMLY,
THOUGHTFULLY, CAPABLY.
GIVE ME A CHANCE, HUH, DAD?
LET ME PROVE THAT
I CAN MAKE GOOD
WITHOUT ANYBODY'S HELP.
- I WAS WRONG.
YOU WOULD NOT COME
CRAWLING BACK IN A WEEK.
- NATURALLY.
- IF YOU LASTED OVER 20 MINUTES,
THEY'D HAVE TO DRAG YOU
BACK WITH A ST. BERNARD DOG.
- OH.
- I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
YOU'RE SCARED TO LET ME GO.
YOU'RE SCARED I'LL PROVE
YOU WRONG ABOUT ME.
- THAT DOES IT. I'M SCARED, HUH?
I'M SCARED?
- YEAH.
- NOW, HERBERT, CALM DOWN.
- ME? ME?
- SWEETHEART, PLEASE, RELAX.
PLEASE.
- HA, HA, SCARED?
- HEY, DOBE, HE AIN'T SCARED,
BUT I THINK HE'S, LIKE, MAD.
- WHY DON'T YOU TWO BOYS
JUST RUN OFF TO SCHOOL
AND FORGET ABOUT
THE WHOLE THING - MOM.
- FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE THING?
FORGET ABOUT IT, AND
EVERY TIME I MAKE A MOVE,
CRUSADER RABBIT
HERE WILL BE HOLLERING
THAT I'M STYMYING
AND PUNYING HIS MIND.
- WELL, I KNOW DOBIE
WOULDN'T DO A THING LIKE THAT.
WOULD YOU, DEAR?
- WELL...
- GOODBYE, BOYS, GOODBYE.
- HOLD IT. HOLD IT.
LISTEN, IF I LET YOU
MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE,
WILL YOU PROMISE ME
THAT IF YOU FALL FLAT
ON YOUR KISSER YOU'LL
NEVER SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT IT AGAIN?
- I'LL SWEAR TO IT IN BLOOD.
I'D TAKE A SOLEMN OATH.
- NEVER MIND THAT.
JUST A SIMPLE YES OR
NO WILL BE SUFFICIENT.
- A SIMPLE YES.
- HERBERT, ARE YOU
OUT OF YOUR MIND,
SENDING THIS INEXPERIENCED CHILD
OUT INTO THE HARD, COLD WORLD?
- I THINK IT'S THE
HARD, COLD WORLD
WE OUGHT TO WORRY ABOUT.
- IT'S HEARTLESS.
- LISTEN, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
LET HIM GET IT
OUT OF HIS SYSTEM.
WHY, WHEN I WAS A KID,
ONE TIME I DECIDED I
WANTED TO GO TO SEA,
SO I KEPT NUDGING MY DAD,
"LET ME GO TO SEA,
LET ME GO TO SEA."
- SO FINALLY HE TOOK ME
DOWN TO A FRIEND OF HIS
THAT WORKED ON THE
STATEN ISLAND FERRY
AND THEY STARTED ME
RIDING THAT CRUMMY BOAT,
BACK AND FORTH,
BACK AND FORTH, ALL DAY LONG,
AND THE NEXT DAY,
AND THE NEXT DAY.
I MUST HAVE CROSSED
THAT HARBOR 600 TIMES.
- AND IT CURED YOU?
- WELL, LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY,
I NEVER BUGGED MY OLD MAN
ABOUT GOING TO SEA AGAIN.
AND TO THIS DAY, I
GET A FUNNY FEELING
IN MY STOMACH IF
I GET A GOOD SNIFF
OF A BUNDLE OF WET WASH.
- WELL, IF IT WOULD
REALLY CURE HIM...
- BELIEVE ME, WINNIE,
IT'LL DO THE TRICK.
- YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- ON MY WORD AS A
GENTLEMAN AND A GROCER,
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
- MY LITTLE MAN.
- YOU MEAN I CAN GO?
- YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, MR. GILLIS.
YOU, TOO, MRS. GILLIS.
- MY LITTLE BOY, HMM.
- MOM.
- SON, BE CAREFUL.
[ SNIFF]
- GEE, I'M, LIKE, ALL MISTY.
[ SNIFF]
- LOOK, YOU'VE NAGGED YOURSELF
INTO GETTING THIS CHANCE.
BUT REMEMBER THIS:
IF I FIND OUT YOU'RE
BOTCHING THINGS UP,
I'M DRAGGING YOU HOME,
AND YOU'D BETTER NEVER
OPEN YOUR YAP AGAIN.
- YES, SIR. I PROMISE.
BUT IF I MAKE GOOD?
- WELL, THEN I
WON'T OPEN MY YAP.
- MAN, LIKE, THAT I GOTTA SEE.
- YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY OUT.
- LIKE, BYE.
- DOBIE.
- YEAH, MOM?
- BOTCH THINGS UP, PLEASE.
- GEE, MOM AND DAD,
YOU'VE BEEN LIKE,
LIKE A MOTHER AND FATHER TO ME.
- HI, BIG DADDY.
- OH, HELLO, MAYNARD.
- HEY, WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
- THE CLASSIFIED ADS.
- OH.
- YOU KNOW WHAT CLASSIFIED
ADS ARE, DON'T YOU?
- SURE, ADS.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- THEY'RE CLASSIFIED.
- RIGHT.
- DOBE.
- YEAH?
- WHAT ARE CLASSIFIED ADS?
- MAYNARD.
- OH, I CAN READ THE
WORDS ALL RIGHT, BUT, MAN,
LIKE, I DON'T DIG
THE ARRANGEMENT.
"YOUNG MAN, LATE MODEL CONVERT.
"RADIO, HEATER, WW TIRES.
"POWER THROUGHOUT.
"LOOKING FOR YOUNG
LADY WITH GAS CREDIT CARD.
OBJECTIVE, HONEYMOON
IN LAS VEGAS."
MAN, THERE'S A BEAT THERE,
DADDY-O, THAT, LIKE, LOST ME.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
A LONELY HEARTS AD.
A FELLA'S TRYING TO
FIND A... OH, NEVER MIND.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M
INTERESTED IN, ANYHOW.
I'M TRYING TO FIND
A PLACE TO LIVE.
- YEAH, THE PAD ADS.
HEY, DOBE, WHEN ARE
YOU GOING OVER THE WALL?
- AS SOON AS I CAN FIND
SOMETHING I CAN AFFORD.
AND IT'S VERY DISCOURAGING.
THEY WANT AT LEAST $40 A MONTH
FOR ANYTHING WORTH MOVING INTO.
ALL I'VE GOT IS AN ADVANCE
ON NEXT MONTH'S
ALLOWANCE, $27.50.
- $27.50?
MAN, I THOUGHT EVEN GETTING
10 BUCKS OUT OF YOUR FATHER
WAS, LIKE, TOUGHER THAN
WRINGING BLOOD OUT OF A TERMITE.
- TURNIP.
- YEAH, TURNIP, YEAH.
- YEAH. YEAH, THE OLD
BRAIN DID IT, MAYNARD.
I SHOWED HIM HOW MUCH
MONEY HE WAS GOING TO SAVE
WHEN I MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE,
AND MOM MADE HIM
GIVE ME THE DIFFERENCE.
- AFTER HE GOT THROUGH
CRYING, HE WAS VERY NICE.
- GOOD THINKING.
- YEAH.
- THE UPPERCUT TO THE
WALLET GETS THEM EVERY TIME.
- YEAH, YEAH. TAKE FOOD, YOU
SEE, I EAT ANYWHERE FROM...
- THREE TO EIGHT MEALS A DAY.
- YEAH, PLUS SNACKS IN BETWEEN,
AND EXTRAS ON WEEKENDS,
EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
- OOH, THAT'S, LIKE, 10 OR
12 BUCKS SHOT RIGHT THERE.
- YEAH, AND I WON'T BE
USING THE TELEPHONE.
LOOK WHAT THAT WILL SAVE.
- A FISTFUL.
- YEAH. AND ELECTRICITY
FOR MY ROOM
AND FOR THE TELEVISION.
- WOW, THAT'S A WAD,
AT LEAST THREE BUCKS.
- YEAH. LAUNDRY AND HOT
WATER FOR BATHS AND SHAVING,
AND LIKE THAT, YOU SEE.
- THERE YOU LEFT ME.
- A MONUMENTAL
PIECE OF STRATEGY.
BUT I STILL DON'T
HAVE ENOUGH DOUGH.
I DON'T... WAIT, MAYNARD,
HAVE YOU STILL GOT
THOSE HUB CAPS,
YOU KNOW, THE ONES YOU
BOUGHT WITH THE MONEY
YOUR GRANDMOTHER
SENT YOU FOR CHRISTMAS?
- SURE. I'M HOLDING THEM TO,
LIKE, BUY A CAR THAT MATCHES.
- MAYNARD, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SELL THOSE HUB CAPS
AND WIN A FREE, SOARING,
INDEPENDENT SOUL?
- OH, CRAZY. WHERE
DO I GO TO GET ONE?
- NO, NO, NO. HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE TO BE MY ROOMMATE?
- ROOMMATE?
- WE'LL HAVE A BALL.
NOBODY TO TELL US
WHEN TO GO TO BED,
WHEN TO GET UP.
- REAL PROGRESSIVES.
- YEAH, NO ORDERS, NO
CHILDISH REGULATIONS,
NO HARPING PARENTS.
- I'M GETTING THE MESSAGE.
- YEAH.
WITH THE MONEY YOU'LL
GET FOR THE HUBCAPS
PLUS MY MONEY, WE
CAN RENT OURSELVES
A REAL HIGH-CLASS
BACHELOR APARTMENT,
AND HAVE PLENTY
LEFT OVER TO LIVE ON.
- PIE IN THE SKYSVILLE.
- YEAH, WE'LL BE MEN, NOT BOYS,
PEOPLE, NOT PUPPETS.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY, MAYNARD?
- ROOMMATES.
- ROOMMATES.
- YEAH, MAN, OH, BOY.
- OH, WHAT A TIME WE'LL HAVE.
NO WOR... OH, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
- HUH?
- ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN DO IT?
- HUH?
- I MEAN, MAYBE YOUR FATHER
WON'T LET YOU MOVE
AWAY FROM HOME.
YOU SAW THE HASSLE
I HAD WITH MINE.
- OH, HE'LL LET ME GO.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- WELL, I TOLD HIM
YOU WAS GONNA DO IT.
- SO?
- SO, LIKE,
WHO DO YOU THINK SENT
ME OVER HERE TO FIND YOU?
- OH, OKAY.
- HE EVEN, LIKE, SLIPPED
ME 10 BUCKS TO, LIKE,
PUSH THINGS ALONG.
- OH.
- ROOMMATES.
- ROOMMATES.
- $45 IN ADVANCE.
- GEE, WHEN WE LOOKED AT
THE APARTMENT THIS MORNING,
MRS. FINCH, YOU SAID 40.
- $5 DEPOSIT ON THE STOVE.
- STOVE?
- WHO COULD STEAL A
STOVE? IT WEIGHS, LIKE, A TON.
- THE LAST TENANT DID. $45.
- LET'S SEE. UH...
- YOU MAY AS WELL
GIVE ME THE OTHER 7.50
WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.
- OTHER 7.50?
- DEPOSIT ON THE LINENS.
- THERE AREN'T ANY
LINENS IN THE APARTMENT.
- WHAT? WHY, THAT
FELLOW STOLE EVERYTHING.
SO YOU GIVE ME THE 7.50,
AND I'LL ORDER THEM FOR YOU.
- BUT WE BROUGHT OUR OWN.
- YOU'VE GOTTA USE MINE.
IT'S THE POLICY OF THE HOUSE.
- BUT WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE.
- YOU CAN ALWAYS
GIVE UP THE APARTMENT,
FORFEIT YOUR DEPOSIT,
AND YOU'RE FREE.
I AIN'T HOLDING NOBODY
WHICH AIN'T HAPPY HERE.
- OKAY. THERE YOU GO.
- THANK YOU. YOU'RE NICE BOYS.
- THANK YOU, THANK
YOU VERY MUCH.
- IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,
DON'T HESITATE TO CALL ME.
I'M GONE MOST OF THE DAY.
I'M SELDOM HERE AT NIGHT.
THE FAUCET IN THE SINK LEAKS.
BUT WE'RE ALL OUT OF WASHERS.
IF YOU WANT TO THROW THAT AWAY,
THERE'S A TRASH CAN OUT BACK.
- WELL, HERE WE ARE.
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
- SURE.
- NICE PLACE.
- VERY HOMEY.
- YEAH, HOMEY.
- YEAH.
- UH, MAYNARD, I'LL
TAKE THAT CLOSET.
- OOH, I'LL TAKE THAT
BIG CLOSET THERE
AND HANG UP MY
SHIRTS AND SLACKS.
- UH, MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
THAT'S NOT A CLOSET.
IT'S A MURPHY BED.
- YEAH?
- YEAH, YEAH. PUSH ON IT,
- YOU'RE WRONG, DOBE,
THERE'S NO BED IN THERE.
- YES, THERE IS,
MAYNARD, UH, LOOK AGAIN.
- WELL, IF YOU SAY SO.
- YEAH.
- OH, I HATE TO ARGUE
WITH YOU, DOBE,
BUT THERE AIN'T NO BED IN THERE.
IT'S JUST A BIG, EMPTY CLOSET.
- EMPTY CLOSET, YEAH, YEAH. WELL
- HEY, MAYBE THE LAST
GUY LEFT SOMETHING
IN THE REFRIGERATOR, HUH?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH. TAKE A LOOK.
FIND ANYTHING?
- ICE.
- THAT WAS NICE OF HIM.
- OOH. HEY,
"TEN WAYS TO CONTROL FUNGUS
IN THE CALIFORNIA REDWOOD."
OOH.
- HEY, DOBE,
SOMEBODY LEFT A SOUVENIR
OF THE GARVEY HOTEL.
COMMERCIAL RATES. SILMAR, UTAH.
- HM.
- HEY, DOBE.
- YEAH?
- I KIND OF FEEL, LIKE, SICK.
- NOW, MAYNARD, SNAP OUT OF IT.
WE'RE HERE TO HAVE
FUN, TO LIVE IT UP.
YOU CAN'T TAKE
TIME OUT TO BE SICK.
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
[ CLANKING]
- MAYNARD. MAYNARD. MAYNARD.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
- I THINK THURSDAY.
- NO, NO, I MEAN THE HOUR.
- OH, IT'S PROBABLY,
LIKE, AROUND 11:00.
THAT TOP LAYER OF DISHES
IN THE SINK LOOKS LIKE DINNER.
- WELL, THAT DOESN'T
PROVE A THING.
YESTERDAY, WE HAD
LUNCH AT MIDNIGHT.
- YEAH. HEY, GO TAKE A SQUINT
AT WHAT I SCROUNGED US
FOR TOMORROW'S BREAKFAST.
- OH? WELL, WHAT
DID YOU... THIS...
- [ MAYNARD SCATTING ]
- AN ECONOMY GALLON
TIN OF POPCORN?
- THE CAT IN THE STORE
SAID IT WAS FILLING.
AND MAN, WE'VE GOT TO, LIKE,
WATCH THEM GREENBACKS.
WE'RE RUNNING TO THE SHORTS.
- MAYNARD, WE HAVEN'T
EVEN BEEN HERE A WEEK.
HOW CAN WE BE
RUNNING LOW ON MONEY?
- MAYNARD, DO YOU
HAVE TO DO THAT?
- DO WHAT, GOOD BUDDY?
- ALL THAT SQUIRMING,
AND SNAPPING, AND WIGGLING?
- MAN, I'VE, LIKE, GOT TO DO IT.
I MEAN, HOW IS THE MUSIC
GONNA KNOW THAT I CARE?
- WELL, WILL YOU STOP...
STOP ONCE IN A WHILE?
- YOU MEAN, KICK IT?
- TO BE PERFECTLY
FRANK WITH YOU, MAYNARD,
IT'S GETTING ON MY NERVES.
- YOU NEVER SAID NOTHING BEFORE.
- WELL, IT WAS DIFFERENT BEFORE.
I MEAN, WHEN I GOT
SICK OF YOU BEFORE,
I COULD GO HOME AND
GET RID OF YOU FOR A WHILE.
- YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
- THAT WAS BEFORE.
BUT NOW WHEN I GO HOME
TO GET RID OF YOU, WHAT HAPPENS?
YOU'RE HOME, TOO.
- KIND OF SPOOKY, HUH?
YEAH, I GET THE SAME FEELING.
- YOU DO?
- YEAH, I GET PRETTY SICK
OF YOU, TOO, SOMETIMES.
IN FACT, PRETTY OFTEN.
NOTHING PERSONAL,
YOU UNDERSTAND.
- I UNDERSTAND.
- IT'S, LIKE, WHEN I
NOTICE HOW ALL THE TIME
YOU'RE WAVING YOUR HANDS
AROUND IN THE AIR WHEN YOU TALK.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- YEAH, MAN, IT'S
DRIVING ME WIG.
- WELL, MAYBE SO, BUT HOW
ABOUT THE WAY YOU SNORE?
- WELL, YOU GRUNT.
- YOU KEEP RUBBING
THE BACK OF YOUR NECK.
- YOU'RE ALWAYS, YOU
KNOW, TALKING POETRY
AND BIG WORDS YOU
DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.
- YOU'RE ALWAYS USING WORDS
THAT NOBODY UNDERSTANDS.
- WELL, YOU'RE ALWAYS...
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOBE?
- WHAT?
- WE, LIKE, HATE EACH OTHER.
- I KNOW.
- NOTHING PERSONAL?
- NO, NO, NOTHING PERSONAL.
- MAYNARD, WHAT DO
YOU FEEL LIKE DOING
THE REST OF THE NIGHT?
- I DON'T KNOW. WHAT
DO YOU FEEL LIKE DOING?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WE COULD HIKE OVER
TO THE MALT SHOP.
- WE CAN'T DO THAT,
MAN. IT'S, LIKE, TOO LATE.
- WELL, WHO'S TO STOP US?
- YEAH, LET'S GO.
- YEAH, SURE, COME ON, LET'S GO.
WE'LL HAVE A BALL.
SURE, HA, HA.
- YAHOO.
- YEAH.
- OH, IT'S NO FUN
UNLESS SOMEBODY
TRIES TO STOP US.
- I KNOW. MAYNARD,
I WISH I WAS HOME.
- WHO DOESN'T?
- BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA
GIVE UP. WE'RE HOLDING OUT
TILL THE BITTER END.
- WE ARE?
- WE ARE.
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
- DOBIE, GET OUT OF
THE REFRIGERATOR.
- IT'S ME, DEAR.
DOBIE'S THE ONE
WITH THE CREW-CUT.
YOU MISS HIM, DON'T YOU?
- MISS WHO?
- DOBIE.
- DOBIE WHO?
- OH, SWEETHEART,
MANY IS THE TIME I WATCHED
YOU WALK THE FLOOR
WITH HIM WHEN HE WAS A
BABY AND HAD THE COLIC.
YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.
YOU MISS HIM TERRIBLY.
- WHAT, MISS HIM?
I'M JUST FED UP
WITH HIM, THAT'S ALL.
- BUT WHY, DEAR?
YOU GAVE HIM
PERMISSION TO MOVE OUT.
- YEAH, AND LOOK HOW HE'S
ABUSING THAT PERMISSION.
HE DOESN'T CALL,
HE DOESN'T WRITE.
WE DON'T KNOW WHETHER
HE'S DEAD OR ALIVE.
WHY, HIS OWN MOTHER COULD
BE ON HER DEATHBED, DYING,
CALLING FOR HIM.
WELL, AIN'T IT THE TRUTH?
- EVERYTHING THAT
YOU SAY IS TRUE, DEAR,
EXCEPT YOU'RE
FORGETTING ONE LITTLE ITEM.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- HE'S ONLY BEEN
GONE THREE DAYS.
- WELL, IT'S THE
PRINCIPLE OF THE THING.
AFTER ALL, WE BROUGHT
HIM INTO THE WORLD.
HE OWES US SOMETHING.
- HERBERT.
- WELL, HE COULD AT LEAST CALL.
- HERBERT.
- A LITTLE, SIMPLE
COURTESY IS ALL I ASK.
- HERBERT.
- WHAT?
- ADMIT IT, YOU MISS HIM.
- I MISS HIM.
- WELL, IF IT'S ANY
COMFORT TO YOU, DARLING,
I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT HE'S ALL RIGHT.
OH, DID YOU SEE HIM?
- NO.
BUT I WENT OVER THERE YESTERDAY,
AND I TALKED TO HIS LANDLADY.
- WELL, WHAT DID SHE
SAY? WHAT DID SHE SAY?
- WELL, THEY'RE FINE.
THEY'RE A LITTLE ILL-HOUSED,
ILL-CLOTHED, AND
ILL-FED, BUT THEY'RE FINE.
- WELL, THAT'S A RELIEF.
THE LANDLADY WASN'T THERE
WHEN I WAS OVER THERE.
- WHY, YOU SNEAK.
- THE ONLY WAY I
COULD CHECK ON HIM
WAS BY INSPECTING THEIR RUBBISH.
- HERBERT, YOU DIDN'T.
- OH, YOU CAN LEARN
A LOT ABOUT PEOPLE
FROM INSPECTING THEIR RUBBISH.
DID YOU KNOW THAT IT IS POSSIBLE
FOR TWO MALE HUMAN
BEINGS TO LIVE ON ICE CREAM,
LEMON MERINGUE PIE,
CHOCOLATE SYRUP, AND POPCORN?
THERE WASN'T A
SINGLE SOAP WRAPPER
IN THE ENTIRE TRASH BIN.
- WELL, WE KNOW
THAT THEY'RE ALIVE,
EATING, AND UNWASHED.
- YEAH, BUT FOR HOW LONG?
YOU KNOW, I OUGHT
TO GO OVER THERE
AND DRAG THOSE
TWO IDIOTS BACK...
- OH, NO, HERBERT. YOU
CAN'T HUMILIATE DOBIE
BY MAKING HIM COME HOME
BEFORE HE'S HAD A CHANCE
TO REALLY PROVE HIMSELF.
- WELL, IT'S A MATTER
OF HUMILIATION
OR MALNUTRITION.
OH, I'LL GIVE THEM A
COUPLE MORE DAYS,
AND THEN THEY'LL COME
CRAWLING BACK HERE.
- BUT DOBIE HAS A RIGHT
TO MAKE HIS OWN MISTAKES.
- YEAH, BUT HE
MAKES SUCH BIG ONES.
OH, I GOTTA KILL THAT...
THAT POOR, POOR BOY.
- DOBIE? MAYNARD?
OH.
OH!
EEK.
"TEN WAYS TO CONTROL FUNGUS
IN THE CALIFORNIA REDWOOD"?
WELL.
- OH, HELLO, DEAR,
WHERE YOU BEEN?
- OUT.
- HA, HA, I KNOW
WHERE YOU'VE BEEN.
YOU'VE BEEN OVER TO SEE DOBIE.
- OH, YOU THINK I'VE
BEEN TO SEE DOBIE, EH?
- COME ON, NOW, ADMIT IT,
YOU WENT TO SEE DOBIE.
- ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT
IT. I WENT TO SEE DOBIE.
- HA, HA, HA. NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU'VE BEEN DOWNTOWN
SPENDING A LOT OF MONEY,
THAT'S WHERE YOU'VE BEEN.
- OH, I HAVE?
- YOU SURE HAVE.
WELL, WHY FIGHT YOU, HERBERT?
YOU ARE TOO SHREWD.
- YOU'RE DURN RIGHT.
YOU GOTTA GET UP MIGHTY
EARLY IN THE MORNING
TO PUT ANYTHING OVER
ON HERBERT T. GILLIS.
OH, COME ON, NOW, WINNIE,
WHERE HAVE YOU REALLY BEEN?
- HEY, DOBE, WHY DIDN'T
WE GRAB THESE VITTLES
AT YOUR FATHER'S STORE
INSTEAD OF TREKKING
HALFWAY ACROSS TOWN?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'D DIE IF HE EVER FOUND
OUT WE'RE LIVING ON BEANS
AND DAY-OLD BREAD.
BESIDES, HIS PRICES
ARE TOO HIGH.
- WELL, I'M, LIKE, READY
TO THROW IN THE TOWEL
AND FLY BACK TO THE HOME
PAD. WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- NO. WE'VE GOT TO HOLD OUT.
- HOME-COOKED MEALS.
- SOMEBODY TO NAG US.
- HOME-COOKED MEALS.
- CLEAN SHEETS.
- HOME-COOKED MEALS. ANY MEALS.
- NO. NO, STOP THE SIREN SONG.
IF WE ADMIT DEFEAT
NOW, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO LOOK MY FATHER
IN THE EYE AGAIN.
- LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO?
- MAYNARD, IT'S A
MATTER OF PRIDE.
A MAN HAS TO...
- HEY, DOBIE.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR YOU.
- OH, HI, DAD.
- LIKE, HI.
- UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- WELL, I JUST HAPPENED
TO BE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
MAKING A FEW DELIVERIES
AND THOUGHT I'D DROP IN
FOR A FRIENDLY LITTLE VISIT.
- OH, WELL, THANKS, THANKS, DAD.
IT, IT'S BEEN NICE SEEING YOU.
- YEAH, FRANTIC.
- UH-HUH, YEAH.
- WELL, AREN'T YOU
GONNA INVITE ME IN?
- IN?
- YOU?
- IN?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
ARE YOU AFRAID?
- AFRAID? OH, WHATEVER FOR?
- YOU KNOW WHATEVER
FOR, BECAUSE IF I GO IN THERE
AND FIND WHAT I KNOW
I AM GOING TO FIND,
YOUR LITTLE TRIP
UP THE RIVER OF
BROKEN DREAMS IS OVER,
AND YOU ARE COMING HOME.
- DOBE, YOUR
FATHER IS ALL HEART.
- THERE'S NOTHING
UNUSUAL IN THERE, DAD.
- NOTHING UNUSUAL, HUH?
- NO, NO.
- I HAVE NEVER BEEN
IN THAT APARTMENT,
BUT I CAN MAKE A
PRETTY GOOD GUESS
ON WHAT I WILL FIND:
DISHES PILED UP TO THERE,
DIRTY CLOTHES AND SHIRTS
TOSSED ALL OVER THE FLOOR,
DIRTY SOCKS IN EVERY CORNER,
EMPTY CARTONS AND TIN CANS
PILED HALFWAY TO THE CEILING.
WELL?
- SO WHAT'S UNUSUAL ABOUT THAT?
- STOP STALLING. I'M GOING IN.
AMAZING. IT'S AMAZING.
- YEAH.
- LIKE, WHAT?
- SHIRTS, CLOTHES,
CLEAN, NEAT, HANGING UP.
- NATURALLY, WHAT DO YOU THINK,
WE'RE LIKE, SLOPPY,
OR SOMETHING?
WE THREW ALL THE DIRTY
STUFF IN THE LAUNDRY BAG.
- YEAH, BUT WHO CLEANS THEM?
- IT'S LIKE HOME. YOU
THROW IT IN DIRTY,
IT COMES OUT CLEAN.
- YEAH.
- IT'S FULL OF FOOD.
- IT IS?
- OH, IT IS, YEAH.
- SURE, WHO KEEPS AN
ICEBOX WITHOUT FOOD?
- YEAH.
- SON...
- NOW, DAD, LOOK.
- I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
- WHAT?
- YOU SAID YOU'D MAKE GOOD
ON YOUR OWN, AND YOU DID.
- OH, DAD, IT WAS NOTHING.
- YOU'VE PROVEN YOUR POINT.
YOU'RE A MAN. YOU COME HOME NOW,
AND WE'LL TREAT YOU LIKE ONE.
- WELL...
- SON, I, UH, THAT IS,
WELL, YOUR MOTHER MISSES YOU.
- I DON'T KNOW. WE'RE GETTING
KIND OF USED TO IT HERE.
- YOU CAN HAVE ALL
THE FREEDOM YOU WANT.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW, DAD.
HERE, I'M MY OWN BOSS.
- YOU CAN BE YOUR
OWN BOSS AT HOME.
HONEST, I GIVE YOU MY WORD.
- WELL...
- LOOK, UH, YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW.
COME ON HOME AND WE'LL TREAT YOU
LIKE AN ADULT. I PROMISE YOU.
- WELL, OKAY, I GUESS SO.
- YEAH. I'M GETTING,
LIKE, ALL MISTY AGAIN.
- DOBIE'S HOME.
- YOU KNOW YOU'RE GLAD.
AND THE BEST PART IS,
HE CAME HOME A HERO,
NO HUMILIATION, NO DISGRACE.
- DUE TO HIS SOLID UPBRINGING.
- AND HIS FINE CHARACTER.
- AND HIS INITIATIVE.
- AND HIS HARD WORK.
- AND HIS MOTHER.
YOU LEFT YOUR GLASSES ON TOP
OF "TEN WAYS TO CONTROL FUNGUS
IN THE CALIFORNIA REDWOOD."
- OH.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
- LOOK AT ME, 17 1/2 YEARS OLD,
AND MY PARENTS THINK
I'M STILL AN INFANT.
BOY, WOULDN'T THAT BUG YOU?
I MEAN, HERE I AM,
TREATED LIKE A BABY
WHEN I'VE BEEN SHAVING
FOR A YEAR ALREADY.
SOMETIMES I EVEN USE
A BLADE IN THE RAZOR.
- THE AWFUL THING IS,
IT'S ONLY HUMAN BEINGS
WHO REFUSE TO ADMIT IT
WHEN THEIR CHILDREN GROW UP.
TAKE ANY OTHER ANIMAL.
TAKE KANGAROO PARENTS.
WHEN THEIR LITTLE BEAST
CAN TAKE CARE OF
HIMSELF, AWAY HE HOPS.
BUT PEOPLE PARENTS, HA.
THEY HANG ON TO
THEIR LITTLE BEASTS
TILL THEY'RE PAST 20,
CLEAR INTO MIDDLE AGE.
IT'S CONTRARY TO NATURE.
I MEAN, YOU SHOW ME ONE KANGAROO
WHO'S 17 1/2
AND STILL HACKING
AROUND THE POUCH.
- SO WHERE ARE YOU
GONNA GET ANOTHER POUCH
WITH SIX MEALS A DAY
AND A LOADED
REFRIGERATOR BUILT IN?
- I WAS ONLY USING THE
KANGAROO AS A FIGURE OF SPEECH.
GEE, DAD, YOU JUST
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- THAT'S ONE OF
THE FEW PLEASURES
REMAINING TO ME
AT MY AGE IN LIFE.
NOW PIPE DOWN, WILL YOU,
AND LET ME FIND OUT
WHAT'S GOING ON THE WORLD.
HA, THAT DICK TRACY.
ON SUNDAY, WHEN HE'S IN COLOR,
HE ALWAYS WEARS A GREEN
HAT AND A YELLOW OVERCOAT.
- ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,
THAT COMING HOME LAST
NIGHT AT QUARTER TO 11:00,
WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE HOME AT 10:30,
IS NOT THE GREATEST CRIME
SINCE THE ST.
VALENTINE'S DAY MASSACRE.
- SAY, GIVE ME SOME MORE
OF THAT, WILL YOU, WINNIE?
YOU KNOW, YOU
SCRAMBLE A MEAN EGG.
- 15 MINUTES LATE AND
YOU LOCK ALL THE DOORS.
- AND BOLT ALL THE WINDOWS.
- YEAH, I ALMOST GOT ARRESTED
TRYING TO BREAK
INTO MY OWN HOUSE.
IT WAS VERY EMBARRASSING.
- YOU POOR BOY.
- WHY NOT GO WHOLE HOG
AND ISSUE ME A STRIPED SUIT
AND A TIN CUP TO BANG
ON THE BARS WITH?
THERE'S NO FREEDOM
IN THIS HOUSE.
I'M TREATED LIKE A CHILD.
- HEY, YOU KNOW THAT
DADDY WARBUCKS?
HE HAD A HAIRCUT LIKE THAT
YEARS BEFORE YUL BRYNNER.
- I MUST BE GIVEN
MORE INDEPENDENCE.
THE LITTLE BIRD LEARNS
TO TEST ITS WINGS
BY BEING PUSHED FROM THE NEST.
I ASK FOR THE SAME RIGHT.
- IF NOBODY PUSHES YOU,
PROMISE ME ONE
THING. YOU'LL JUMP.
- HERBERT!
THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK TO DOBIE.
YOU KNOW HOW SENSITIVE HE IS.
THERE, THERE, DARLING,
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT.
- STOP THAT, MOM. DON'T YOU SEE?
YOU'RE TREATING
ME LIKE A CHILD, TOO.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO TAKE
CARE OF THINGS FOR ME.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO PROTECT ME.
I...
- ONE MORE INTERRUPTION,
AND YOU WILL NEED ALL THE
PROTECTION YOU CAN GET.
- I WILL REJECT IT.
I PREFER TO STAND
ON MY OWN TWO FEET.
- WELL, WHILE YOU ARE
ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET,
HOW ABOUT PUTTING A BROOM
IN YOUR OWN TWO HANDS,
AND DOING A LITTLE
WORK AROUND HERE,
JUST AS A CHANGE OF PACE, HUH?
- OH, WHAT'S THE USE?
IN CHINA, THEY USED TO TIE ROPES
AROUND THE LITTLE GIRLS' FEET
SO THE FEET WOULDN'T GROW.
YOU'RE DOING THE
SAME THING TO MY MIND,
KEEPING IT SMALL,
UNDEVELOPED, AND PUNY.
- SO THAT'S WHAT
HAPPENED TO IT, HUH?
- HERBERT, IT IS YOUR
DUTY AS A FATHER
TO LISTEN TO THE BOY.
- WHY? I LISTENED
TO HIM LAST YEAR.
ALL RIGHT. GO
AHEAD, I'M LISTENING.
- THANK YOU.
I AM NOT BEING
ALLOWED TO GROW UP.
- BIG DEAL.
- HERBERT, DOBIE IS RIGHT.
PARENTS ARE ALWAYS TRYING
TO TREAT THEIR CHILDREN
LIKE INFANTS BECAUSE
THEY THEMSELVES
ARE TRYING TO HANG
ON TO THEIR OWN YOUTH.
- HOGWASH.
- IT IS NOT.
IT IS A PROVEN, SCIENTIFIC FACT,
PROVEN BY SCIENTIFIC SCIENTISTS.
- I'LL BET YOU GOT THAT
OUT OF ONE OF THEM
LAME-BRAINED WOMEN'S
MAGAZINES OF YOURS.
- THEY ARE EXCELLENT MAGAZINES.
- TO WRAP FISH HEADS IN.
- LISTEN, I NEED TO TEST
MY WITS AND STRENGTH
AGAINST THE SLINGS AND ARROWS
OF THE WORLD IN WHICH I LIVE.
- HOGWASH, PURE,
GRADE "A" HOGWASH.
- HERBERT! NOW, GO ON, DEAR.
TELL US, HOW CAN WE HELP
YOU SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM?
- IT'S SIMPLE.
JUST LET ME MOVE AWAY FROM HOME.
- HERBERT! ARE YOU GOING
TO SIT THERE AND LISTEN
TO THAT PURE, GRADE "A" HOGWASH?
- NOW, HOLD ON.
- BUT DOBIE, DARLING,
YOU'RE ONLY A BABY.
- I'M 17 1/2.
- WELL, AN OLD BABY,
AND THEY'RE THE WORST KIND.
- MOTHER, YOU'RE CHOKING
ME WITH A SILVER CORD.
- YEAH. WHY DON'T
YOU TRY WHOPPING HIM
WITH ONE OF THEM
SCIENTIFIC MAGAZINE ARTICLES?
- WELL, THAT ARTICLE
WAS ABOUT OTHER
PEOPLE'S CHILDREN.
- LOOK, THERE'S NO SENSE
IN GETTING YOUR HACKLES UP.
THE BOY IS NOT MOVING
OUT. NOW GET THAT STRAIGHT!
- LOWER YOUR VOICE.
THE MAGAZINES SAY
THAT IT IS DANGEROUS
TO SPEAK HARSHLY TO CHILDREN.
- YOU WANT HIM TO
STAY, DON'T YOU?
- OF COURSE, DON'T YOU?
- WELL, RIGHT NOW,
IT'S SIX TO FIVE,
AND TAKE YOUR PICK.
- WHAT?
- YES, YES. I WANT HIM TO STAY.
NOW, YOU HEAR ME GOOD, MISTER...
- SOFTER.
- LITTLE BIRD, YOU ARE NOT
GOING TO FLY AWAY FROM THE NEST.
AND DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
- I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY.
- BECAUSE YOU WOULD
STARVE TO DEATH
BEFORE YOU GOT YOUR
TAIL FEATHERS WARMED UP,
THAT'S WHY!
- I WOULD NOT!
- AH, YOU'D BE CRAWLING
BACK HERE IN A WEEK,
UNWASHED, UNSHAVED,
A PHYSICAL WRECK.
- YOU RANG?
- GOOD MORNING,
MRS. GILLIS, MR. GILLIS.
HOW IS EVERY LITTLE
THING, FRIENDS?
- UH, MAYNARD, WOULD YOU
MIND COMING BACK A LITTLE LATER?
WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A
LITTLE FAMILY DISCUSSION.
- YEAH, AT MY HOUSE, TOO.
TOLD ME, LIKE, LEAVE
THE ROOM, AND THEY, LIKE,
START SLUGGING IT OUT.
- HEY, BIG DADDY, AIN'T YOU
GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY?
- OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.
- YEAH, I, LIKE, FORGET
ALMOST EVERY DAY.
- DAD, YOU'RE NOT BEING FAIR
IF YOU SAY I COULDN'T MAKE
GOOD AWAY FROM HOME.
I MEAN, GETTING USED
TO A NEW ENVIRONMENT
WOULD BE NO PROBLEM
TO A BASICALLY
SELF-SUFFICIENT PERSON LIKE ME.
- I MEAN, IT ISN'T AS IF I
WAS A HELPLESS TYPE
WHO COULDN'T DO
THINGS FOR HIMSELF.
- LET'S FACE IT, ANYBODY
CAN BE WAITED ON,
BUT IT TAKES A REAL MAN
TO BE HONESTLY
SELF-RELIANT. APPLE?
- BETTER FOR YOUR SYSTEM, DEAR.
- OH.
I PROMISE YOU, DAD, YOU
WOULDN'T HAVE A THING
TO WORRY ABOUT IF I
WENT OUT ON MY OWN.
I'D HANDLE MY LIFE CALMLY,
THOUGHTFULLY, CAPABLY.
GIVE ME A CHANCE, HUH, DAD?
LET ME PROVE THAT
I CAN MAKE GOOD
WITHOUT ANYBODY'S HELP.
- I WAS WRONG.
YOU WOULD NOT COME
CRAWLING BACK IN A WEEK.
- NATURALLY.
- IF YOU LASTED OVER 20 MINUTES,
THEY'D HAVE TO DRAG YOU
BACK WITH A ST. BERNARD DOG.
- OH.
- I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
YOU'RE SCARED TO LET ME GO.
YOU'RE SCARED I'LL PROVE
YOU WRONG ABOUT ME.
- THAT DOES IT. I'M SCARED, HUH?
I'M SCARED?
- YEAH.
- NOW, HERBERT, CALM DOWN.
- ME? ME?
- SWEETHEART, PLEASE, RELAX.
PLEASE.
- HA, HA, SCARED?
- HEY, DOBE, HE AIN'T SCARED,
BUT I THINK HE'S, LIKE, MAD.
- WHY DON'T YOU TWO BOYS
JUST RUN OFF TO SCHOOL
AND FORGET ABOUT
THE WHOLE THING - MOM.
- FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE THING?
FORGET ABOUT IT, AND
EVERY TIME I MAKE A MOVE,
CRUSADER RABBIT
HERE WILL BE HOLLERING
THAT I'M STYMYING
AND PUNYING HIS MIND.
- WELL, I KNOW DOBIE
WOULDN'T DO A THING LIKE THAT.
WOULD YOU, DEAR?
- WELL...
- GOODBYE, BOYS, GOODBYE.
- HOLD IT. HOLD IT.
LISTEN, IF I LET YOU
MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE,
WILL YOU PROMISE ME
THAT IF YOU FALL FLAT
ON YOUR KISSER YOU'LL
NEVER SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT IT AGAIN?
- I'LL SWEAR TO IT IN BLOOD.
I'D TAKE A SOLEMN OATH.
- NEVER MIND THAT.
JUST A SIMPLE YES OR
NO WILL BE SUFFICIENT.
- A SIMPLE YES.
- HERBERT, ARE YOU
OUT OF YOUR MIND,
SENDING THIS INEXPERIENCED CHILD
OUT INTO THE HARD, COLD WORLD?
- I THINK IT'S THE
HARD, COLD WORLD
WE OUGHT TO WORRY ABOUT.
- IT'S HEARTLESS.
- LISTEN, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
LET HIM GET IT
OUT OF HIS SYSTEM.
WHY, WHEN I WAS A KID,
ONE TIME I DECIDED I
WANTED TO GO TO SEA,
SO I KEPT NUDGING MY DAD,
"LET ME GO TO SEA,
LET ME GO TO SEA."
- SO FINALLY HE TOOK ME
DOWN TO A FRIEND OF HIS
THAT WORKED ON THE
STATEN ISLAND FERRY
AND THEY STARTED ME
RIDING THAT CRUMMY BOAT,
BACK AND FORTH,
BACK AND FORTH, ALL DAY LONG,
AND THE NEXT DAY,
AND THE NEXT DAY.
I MUST HAVE CROSSED
THAT HARBOR 600 TIMES.
- AND IT CURED YOU?
- WELL, LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY,
I NEVER BUGGED MY OLD MAN
ABOUT GOING TO SEA AGAIN.
AND TO THIS DAY, I
GET A FUNNY FEELING
IN MY STOMACH IF
I GET A GOOD SNIFF
OF A BUNDLE OF WET WASH.
- WELL, IF IT WOULD
REALLY CURE HIM...
- BELIEVE ME, WINNIE,
IT'LL DO THE TRICK.
- YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- ON MY WORD AS A
GENTLEMAN AND A GROCER,
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
- MY LITTLE MAN.
- YOU MEAN I CAN GO?
- YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, MR. GILLIS.
YOU, TOO, MRS. GILLIS.
- MY LITTLE BOY, HMM.
- MOM.
- SON, BE CAREFUL.
[ SNIFF]
- GEE, I'M, LIKE, ALL MISTY.
[ SNIFF]
- LOOK, YOU'VE NAGGED YOURSELF
INTO GETTING THIS CHANCE.
BUT REMEMBER THIS:
IF I FIND OUT YOU'RE
BOTCHING THINGS UP,
I'M DRAGGING YOU HOME,
AND YOU'D BETTER NEVER
OPEN YOUR YAP AGAIN.
- YES, SIR. I PROMISE.
BUT IF I MAKE GOOD?
- WELL, THEN I
WON'T OPEN MY YAP.
- MAN, LIKE, THAT I GOTTA SEE.
- YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY OUT.
- LIKE, BYE.
- DOBIE.
- YEAH, MOM?
- BOTCH THINGS UP, PLEASE.
- GEE, MOM AND DAD,
YOU'VE BEEN LIKE,
LIKE A MOTHER AND FATHER TO ME.
- HI, BIG DADDY.
- OH, HELLO, MAYNARD.
- HEY, WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
- THE CLASSIFIED ADS.
- OH.
- YOU KNOW WHAT CLASSIFIED
ADS ARE, DON'T YOU?
- SURE, ADS.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- THEY'RE CLASSIFIED.
- RIGHT.
- DOBE.
- YEAH?
- WHAT ARE CLASSIFIED ADS?
- MAYNARD.
- OH, I CAN READ THE
WORDS ALL RIGHT, BUT, MAN,
LIKE, I DON'T DIG
THE ARRANGEMENT.
"YOUNG MAN, LATE MODEL CONVERT.
"RADIO, HEATER, WW TIRES.
"POWER THROUGHOUT.
"LOOKING FOR YOUNG
LADY WITH GAS CREDIT CARD.
OBJECTIVE, HONEYMOON
IN LAS VEGAS."
MAN, THERE'S A BEAT THERE,
DADDY-O, THAT, LIKE, LOST ME.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
A LONELY HEARTS AD.
A FELLA'S TRYING TO
FIND A... OH, NEVER MIND.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M
INTERESTED IN, ANYHOW.
I'M TRYING TO FIND
A PLACE TO LIVE.
- YEAH, THE PAD ADS.
HEY, DOBE, WHEN ARE
YOU GOING OVER THE WALL?
- AS SOON AS I CAN FIND
SOMETHING I CAN AFFORD.
AND IT'S VERY DISCOURAGING.
THEY WANT AT LEAST $40 A MONTH
FOR ANYTHING WORTH MOVING INTO.
ALL I'VE GOT IS AN ADVANCE
ON NEXT MONTH'S
ALLOWANCE, $27.50.
- $27.50?
MAN, I THOUGHT EVEN GETTING
10 BUCKS OUT OF YOUR FATHER
WAS, LIKE, TOUGHER THAN
WRINGING BLOOD OUT OF A TERMITE.
- TURNIP.
- YEAH, TURNIP, YEAH.
- YEAH. YEAH, THE OLD
BRAIN DID IT, MAYNARD.
I SHOWED HIM HOW MUCH
MONEY HE WAS GOING TO SAVE
WHEN I MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE,
AND MOM MADE HIM
GIVE ME THE DIFFERENCE.
- AFTER HE GOT THROUGH
CRYING, HE WAS VERY NICE.
- GOOD THINKING.
- YEAH.
- THE UPPERCUT TO THE
WALLET GETS THEM EVERY TIME.
- YEAH, YEAH. TAKE FOOD, YOU
SEE, I EAT ANYWHERE FROM...
- THREE TO EIGHT MEALS A DAY.
- YEAH, PLUS SNACKS IN BETWEEN,
AND EXTRAS ON WEEKENDS,
EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
- OOH, THAT'S, LIKE, 10 OR
12 BUCKS SHOT RIGHT THERE.
- YEAH, AND I WON'T BE
USING THE TELEPHONE.
LOOK WHAT THAT WILL SAVE.
- A FISTFUL.
- YEAH. AND ELECTRICITY
FOR MY ROOM
AND FOR THE TELEVISION.
- WOW, THAT'S A WAD,
AT LEAST THREE BUCKS.
- YEAH. LAUNDRY AND HOT
WATER FOR BATHS AND SHAVING,
AND LIKE THAT, YOU SEE.
- THERE YOU LEFT ME.
- A MONUMENTAL
PIECE OF STRATEGY.
BUT I STILL DON'T
HAVE ENOUGH DOUGH.
I DON'T... WAIT, MAYNARD,
HAVE YOU STILL GOT
THOSE HUB CAPS,
YOU KNOW, THE ONES YOU
BOUGHT WITH THE MONEY
YOUR GRANDMOTHER
SENT YOU FOR CHRISTMAS?
- SURE. I'M HOLDING THEM TO,
LIKE, BUY A CAR THAT MATCHES.
- MAYNARD, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SELL THOSE HUB CAPS
AND WIN A FREE, SOARING,
INDEPENDENT SOUL?
- OH, CRAZY. WHERE
DO I GO TO GET ONE?
- NO, NO, NO. HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE TO BE MY ROOMMATE?
- ROOMMATE?
- WE'LL HAVE A BALL.
NOBODY TO TELL US
WHEN TO GO TO BED,
WHEN TO GET UP.
- REAL PROGRESSIVES.
- YEAH, NO ORDERS, NO
CHILDISH REGULATIONS,
NO HARPING PARENTS.
- I'M GETTING THE MESSAGE.
- YEAH.
WITH THE MONEY YOU'LL
GET FOR THE HUBCAPS
PLUS MY MONEY, WE
CAN RENT OURSELVES
A REAL HIGH-CLASS
BACHELOR APARTMENT,
AND HAVE PLENTY
LEFT OVER TO LIVE ON.
- PIE IN THE SKYSVILLE.
- YEAH, WE'LL BE MEN, NOT BOYS,
PEOPLE, NOT PUPPETS.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY, MAYNARD?
- ROOMMATES.
- ROOMMATES.
- YEAH, MAN, OH, BOY.
- OH, WHAT A TIME WE'LL HAVE.
NO WOR... OH, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
- HUH?
- ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN DO IT?
- HUH?
- I MEAN, MAYBE YOUR FATHER
WON'T LET YOU MOVE
AWAY FROM HOME.
YOU SAW THE HASSLE
I HAD WITH MINE.
- OH, HE'LL LET ME GO.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- WELL, I TOLD HIM
YOU WAS GONNA DO IT.
- SO?
- SO, LIKE,
WHO DO YOU THINK SENT
ME OVER HERE TO FIND YOU?
- OH, OKAY.
- HE EVEN, LIKE, SLIPPED
ME 10 BUCKS TO, LIKE,
PUSH THINGS ALONG.
- OH.
- ROOMMATES.
- ROOMMATES.
- $45 IN ADVANCE.
- GEE, WHEN WE LOOKED AT
THE APARTMENT THIS MORNING,
MRS. FINCH, YOU SAID 40.
- $5 DEPOSIT ON THE STOVE.
- STOVE?
- WHO COULD STEAL A
STOVE? IT WEIGHS, LIKE, A TON.
- THE LAST TENANT DID. $45.
- LET'S SEE. UH...
- YOU MAY AS WELL
GIVE ME THE OTHER 7.50
WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.
- OTHER 7.50?
- DEPOSIT ON THE LINENS.
- THERE AREN'T ANY
LINENS IN THE APARTMENT.
- WHAT? WHY, THAT
FELLOW STOLE EVERYTHING.
SO YOU GIVE ME THE 7.50,
AND I'LL ORDER THEM FOR YOU.
- BUT WE BROUGHT OUR OWN.
- YOU'VE GOTTA USE MINE.
IT'S THE POLICY OF THE HOUSE.
- BUT WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE.
- YOU CAN ALWAYS
GIVE UP THE APARTMENT,
FORFEIT YOUR DEPOSIT,
AND YOU'RE FREE.
I AIN'T HOLDING NOBODY
WHICH AIN'T HAPPY HERE.
- OKAY. THERE YOU GO.
- THANK YOU. YOU'RE NICE BOYS.
- THANK YOU, THANK
YOU VERY MUCH.
- IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,
DON'T HESITATE TO CALL ME.
I'M GONE MOST OF THE DAY.
I'M SELDOM HERE AT NIGHT.
THE FAUCET IN THE SINK LEAKS.
BUT WE'RE ALL OUT OF WASHERS.
IF YOU WANT TO THROW THAT AWAY,
THERE'S A TRASH CAN OUT BACK.
- WELL, HERE WE ARE.
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
- SURE.
- NICE PLACE.
- VERY HOMEY.
- YEAH, HOMEY.
- YEAH.
- UH, MAYNARD, I'LL
TAKE THAT CLOSET.
- OOH, I'LL TAKE THAT
BIG CLOSET THERE
AND HANG UP MY
SHIRTS AND SLACKS.
- UH, MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
THAT'S NOT A CLOSET.
IT'S A MURPHY BED.
- YEAH?
- YEAH, YEAH. PUSH ON IT,
- YOU'RE WRONG, DOBE,
THERE'S NO BED IN THERE.
- YES, THERE IS,
MAYNARD, UH, LOOK AGAIN.
- WELL, IF YOU SAY SO.
- YEAH.
- OH, I HATE TO ARGUE
WITH YOU, DOBE,
BUT THERE AIN'T NO BED IN THERE.
IT'S JUST A BIG, EMPTY CLOSET.
- EMPTY CLOSET, YEAH, YEAH. WELL
- HEY, MAYBE THE LAST
GUY LEFT SOMETHING
IN THE REFRIGERATOR, HUH?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH. TAKE A LOOK.
FIND ANYTHING?
- ICE.
- THAT WAS NICE OF HIM.
- OOH. HEY,
"TEN WAYS TO CONTROL FUNGUS
IN THE CALIFORNIA REDWOOD."
OOH.
- HEY, DOBE,
SOMEBODY LEFT A SOUVENIR
OF THE GARVEY HOTEL.
COMMERCIAL RATES. SILMAR, UTAH.
- HM.
- HEY, DOBE.
- YEAH?
- I KIND OF FEEL, LIKE, SICK.
- NOW, MAYNARD, SNAP OUT OF IT.
WE'RE HERE TO HAVE
FUN, TO LIVE IT UP.
YOU CAN'T TAKE
TIME OUT TO BE SICK.
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
[ CLANKING]
- MAYNARD. MAYNARD. MAYNARD.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
- I THINK THURSDAY.
- NO, NO, I MEAN THE HOUR.
- OH, IT'S PROBABLY,
LIKE, AROUND 11:00.
THAT TOP LAYER OF DISHES
IN THE SINK LOOKS LIKE DINNER.
- WELL, THAT DOESN'T
PROVE A THING.
YESTERDAY, WE HAD
LUNCH AT MIDNIGHT.
- YEAH. HEY, GO TAKE A SQUINT
AT WHAT I SCROUNGED US
FOR TOMORROW'S BREAKFAST.
- OH? WELL, WHAT
DID YOU... THIS...
- [ MAYNARD SCATTING ]
- AN ECONOMY GALLON
TIN OF POPCORN?
- THE CAT IN THE STORE
SAID IT WAS FILLING.
AND MAN, WE'VE GOT TO, LIKE,
WATCH THEM GREENBACKS.
WE'RE RUNNING TO THE SHORTS.
- MAYNARD, WE HAVEN'T
EVEN BEEN HERE A WEEK.
HOW CAN WE BE
RUNNING LOW ON MONEY?
- MAYNARD, DO YOU
HAVE TO DO THAT?
- DO WHAT, GOOD BUDDY?
- ALL THAT SQUIRMING,
AND SNAPPING, AND WIGGLING?
- MAN, I'VE, LIKE, GOT TO DO IT.
I MEAN, HOW IS THE MUSIC
GONNA KNOW THAT I CARE?
- WELL, WILL YOU STOP...
STOP ONCE IN A WHILE?
- YOU MEAN, KICK IT?
- TO BE PERFECTLY
FRANK WITH YOU, MAYNARD,
IT'S GETTING ON MY NERVES.
- YOU NEVER SAID NOTHING BEFORE.
- WELL, IT WAS DIFFERENT BEFORE.
I MEAN, WHEN I GOT
SICK OF YOU BEFORE,
I COULD GO HOME AND
GET RID OF YOU FOR A WHILE.
- YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
- THAT WAS BEFORE.
BUT NOW WHEN I GO HOME
TO GET RID OF YOU, WHAT HAPPENS?
YOU'RE HOME, TOO.
- KIND OF SPOOKY, HUH?
YEAH, I GET THE SAME FEELING.
- YOU DO?
- YEAH, I GET PRETTY SICK
OF YOU, TOO, SOMETIMES.
IN FACT, PRETTY OFTEN.
NOTHING PERSONAL,
YOU UNDERSTAND.
- I UNDERSTAND.
- IT'S, LIKE, WHEN I
NOTICE HOW ALL THE TIME
YOU'RE WAVING YOUR HANDS
AROUND IN THE AIR WHEN YOU TALK.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- YEAH, MAN, IT'S
DRIVING ME WIG.
- WELL, MAYBE SO, BUT HOW
ABOUT THE WAY YOU SNORE?
- WELL, YOU GRUNT.
- YOU KEEP RUBBING
THE BACK OF YOUR NECK.
- YOU'RE ALWAYS, YOU
KNOW, TALKING POETRY
AND BIG WORDS YOU
DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.
- YOU'RE ALWAYS USING WORDS
THAT NOBODY UNDERSTANDS.
- WELL, YOU'RE ALWAYS...
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOBE?
- WHAT?
- WE, LIKE, HATE EACH OTHER.
- I KNOW.
- NOTHING PERSONAL?
- NO, NO, NOTHING PERSONAL.
- MAYNARD, WHAT DO
YOU FEEL LIKE DOING
THE REST OF THE NIGHT?
- I DON'T KNOW. WHAT
DO YOU FEEL LIKE DOING?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WE COULD HIKE OVER
TO THE MALT SHOP.
- WE CAN'T DO THAT,
MAN. IT'S, LIKE, TOO LATE.
- WELL, WHO'S TO STOP US?
- YEAH, LET'S GO.
- YEAH, SURE, COME ON, LET'S GO.
WE'LL HAVE A BALL.
SURE, HA, HA.
- YAHOO.
- YEAH.
- OH, IT'S NO FUN
UNLESS SOMEBODY
TRIES TO STOP US.
- I KNOW. MAYNARD,
I WISH I WAS HOME.
- WHO DOESN'T?
- BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA
GIVE UP. WE'RE HOLDING OUT
TILL THE BITTER END.
- WE ARE?
- WE ARE.
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
- DOBIE, GET OUT OF
THE REFRIGERATOR.
- IT'S ME, DEAR.
DOBIE'S THE ONE
WITH THE CREW-CUT.
YOU MISS HIM, DON'T YOU?
- MISS WHO?
- DOBIE.
- DOBIE WHO?
- OH, SWEETHEART,
MANY IS THE TIME I WATCHED
YOU WALK THE FLOOR
WITH HIM WHEN HE WAS A
BABY AND HAD THE COLIC.
YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.
YOU MISS HIM TERRIBLY.
- WHAT, MISS HIM?
I'M JUST FED UP
WITH HIM, THAT'S ALL.
- BUT WHY, DEAR?
YOU GAVE HIM
PERMISSION TO MOVE OUT.
- YEAH, AND LOOK HOW HE'S
ABUSING THAT PERMISSION.
HE DOESN'T CALL,
HE DOESN'T WRITE.
WE DON'T KNOW WHETHER
HE'S DEAD OR ALIVE.
WHY, HIS OWN MOTHER COULD
BE ON HER DEATHBED, DYING,
CALLING FOR HIM.
WELL, AIN'T IT THE TRUTH?
- EVERYTHING THAT
YOU SAY IS TRUE, DEAR,
EXCEPT YOU'RE
FORGETTING ONE LITTLE ITEM.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- HE'S ONLY BEEN
GONE THREE DAYS.
- WELL, IT'S THE
PRINCIPLE OF THE THING.
AFTER ALL, WE BROUGHT
HIM INTO THE WORLD.
HE OWES US SOMETHING.
- HERBERT.
- WELL, HE COULD AT LEAST CALL.
- HERBERT.
- A LITTLE, SIMPLE
COURTESY IS ALL I ASK.
- HERBERT.
- WHAT?
- ADMIT IT, YOU MISS HIM.
- I MISS HIM.
- WELL, IF IT'S ANY
COMFORT TO YOU, DARLING,
I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT HE'S ALL RIGHT.
OH, DID YOU SEE HIM?
- NO.
BUT I WENT OVER THERE YESTERDAY,
AND I TALKED TO HIS LANDLADY.
- WELL, WHAT DID SHE
SAY? WHAT DID SHE SAY?
- WELL, THEY'RE FINE.
THEY'RE A LITTLE ILL-HOUSED,
ILL-CLOTHED, AND
ILL-FED, BUT THEY'RE FINE.
- WELL, THAT'S A RELIEF.
THE LANDLADY WASN'T THERE
WHEN I WAS OVER THERE.
- WHY, YOU SNEAK.
- THE ONLY WAY I
COULD CHECK ON HIM
WAS BY INSPECTING THEIR RUBBISH.
- HERBERT, YOU DIDN'T.
- OH, YOU CAN LEARN
A LOT ABOUT PEOPLE
FROM INSPECTING THEIR RUBBISH.
DID YOU KNOW THAT IT IS POSSIBLE
FOR TWO MALE HUMAN
BEINGS TO LIVE ON ICE CREAM,
LEMON MERINGUE PIE,
CHOCOLATE SYRUP, AND POPCORN?
THERE WASN'T A
SINGLE SOAP WRAPPER
IN THE ENTIRE TRASH BIN.
- WELL, WE KNOW
THAT THEY'RE ALIVE,
EATING, AND UNWASHED.
- YEAH, BUT FOR HOW LONG?
YOU KNOW, I OUGHT
TO GO OVER THERE
AND DRAG THOSE
TWO IDIOTS BACK...
- OH, NO, HERBERT. YOU
CAN'T HUMILIATE DOBIE
BY MAKING HIM COME HOME
BEFORE HE'S HAD A CHANCE
TO REALLY PROVE HIMSELF.
- WELL, IT'S A MATTER
OF HUMILIATION
OR MALNUTRITION.
OH, I'LL GIVE THEM A
COUPLE MORE DAYS,
AND THEN THEY'LL COME
CRAWLING BACK HERE.
- BUT DOBIE HAS A RIGHT
TO MAKE HIS OWN MISTAKES.
- YEAH, BUT HE
MAKES SUCH BIG ONES.
OH, I GOTTA KILL THAT...
THAT POOR, POOR BOY.
- DOBIE? MAYNARD?
OH.
OH!
EEK.
"TEN WAYS TO CONTROL FUNGUS
IN THE CALIFORNIA REDWOOD"?
WELL.
- OH, HELLO, DEAR,
WHERE YOU BEEN?
- OUT.
- HA, HA, I KNOW
WHERE YOU'VE BEEN.
YOU'VE BEEN OVER TO SEE DOBIE.
- OH, YOU THINK I'VE
BEEN TO SEE DOBIE, EH?
- COME ON, NOW, ADMIT IT,
YOU WENT TO SEE DOBIE.
- ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT
IT. I WENT TO SEE DOBIE.
- HA, HA, HA. NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU'VE BEEN DOWNTOWN
SPENDING A LOT OF MONEY,
THAT'S WHERE YOU'VE BEEN.
- OH, I HAVE?
- YOU SURE HAVE.
WELL, WHY FIGHT YOU, HERBERT?
YOU ARE TOO SHREWD.
- YOU'RE DURN RIGHT.
YOU GOTTA GET UP MIGHTY
EARLY IN THE MORNING
TO PUT ANYTHING OVER
ON HERBERT T. GILLIS.
OH, COME ON, NOW, WINNIE,
WHERE HAVE YOU REALLY BEEN?
- HEY, DOBE, WHY DIDN'T
WE GRAB THESE VITTLES
AT YOUR FATHER'S STORE
INSTEAD OF TREKKING
HALFWAY ACROSS TOWN?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'D DIE IF HE EVER FOUND
OUT WE'RE LIVING ON BEANS
AND DAY-OLD BREAD.
BESIDES, HIS PRICES
ARE TOO HIGH.
- WELL, I'M, LIKE, READY
TO THROW IN THE TOWEL
AND FLY BACK TO THE HOME
PAD. WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- NO. WE'VE GOT TO HOLD OUT.
- HOME-COOKED MEALS.
- SOMEBODY TO NAG US.
- HOME-COOKED MEALS.
- CLEAN SHEETS.
- HOME-COOKED MEALS. ANY MEALS.
- NO. NO, STOP THE SIREN SONG.
IF WE ADMIT DEFEAT
NOW, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO LOOK MY FATHER
IN THE EYE AGAIN.
- LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO?
- MAYNARD, IT'S A
MATTER OF PRIDE.
A MAN HAS TO...
- HEY, DOBIE.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR YOU.
- OH, HI, DAD.
- LIKE, HI.
- UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- WELL, I JUST HAPPENED
TO BE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
MAKING A FEW DELIVERIES
AND THOUGHT I'D DROP IN
FOR A FRIENDLY LITTLE VISIT.
- OH, WELL, THANKS, THANKS, DAD.
IT, IT'S BEEN NICE SEEING YOU.
- YEAH, FRANTIC.
- UH-HUH, YEAH.
- WELL, AREN'T YOU
GONNA INVITE ME IN?
- IN?
- YOU?
- IN?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
ARE YOU AFRAID?
- AFRAID? OH, WHATEVER FOR?
- YOU KNOW WHATEVER
FOR, BECAUSE IF I GO IN THERE
AND FIND WHAT I KNOW
I AM GOING TO FIND,
YOUR LITTLE TRIP
UP THE RIVER OF
BROKEN DREAMS IS OVER,
AND YOU ARE COMING HOME.
- DOBE, YOUR
FATHER IS ALL HEART.
- THERE'S NOTHING
UNUSUAL IN THERE, DAD.
- NOTHING UNUSUAL, HUH?
- NO, NO.
- I HAVE NEVER BEEN
IN THAT APARTMENT,
BUT I CAN MAKE A
PRETTY GOOD GUESS
ON WHAT I WILL FIND:
DISHES PILED UP TO THERE,
DIRTY CLOTHES AND SHIRTS
TOSSED ALL OVER THE FLOOR,
DIRTY SOCKS IN EVERY CORNER,
EMPTY CARTONS AND TIN CANS
PILED HALFWAY TO THE CEILING.
WELL?
- SO WHAT'S UNUSUAL ABOUT THAT?
- STOP STALLING. I'M GOING IN.
AMAZING. IT'S AMAZING.
- YEAH.
- LIKE, WHAT?
- SHIRTS, CLOTHES,
CLEAN, NEAT, HANGING UP.
- NATURALLY, WHAT DO YOU THINK,
WE'RE LIKE, SLOPPY,
OR SOMETHING?
WE THREW ALL THE DIRTY
STUFF IN THE LAUNDRY BAG.
- YEAH, BUT WHO CLEANS THEM?
- IT'S LIKE HOME. YOU
THROW IT IN DIRTY,
IT COMES OUT CLEAN.
- YEAH.
- IT'S FULL OF FOOD.
- IT IS?
- OH, IT IS, YEAH.
- SURE, WHO KEEPS AN
ICEBOX WITHOUT FOOD?
- YEAH.
- SON...
- NOW, DAD, LOOK.
- I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
- WHAT?
- YOU SAID YOU'D MAKE GOOD
ON YOUR OWN, AND YOU DID.
- OH, DAD, IT WAS NOTHING.
- YOU'VE PROVEN YOUR POINT.
YOU'RE A MAN. YOU COME HOME NOW,
AND WE'LL TREAT YOU LIKE ONE.
- WELL...
- SON, I, UH, THAT IS,
WELL, YOUR MOTHER MISSES YOU.
- I DON'T KNOW. WE'RE GETTING
KIND OF USED TO IT HERE.
- YOU CAN HAVE ALL
THE FREEDOM YOU WANT.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW, DAD.
HERE, I'M MY OWN BOSS.
- YOU CAN BE YOUR
OWN BOSS AT HOME.
HONEST, I GIVE YOU MY WORD.
- WELL...
- LOOK, UH, YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW.
COME ON HOME AND WE'LL TREAT YOU
LIKE AN ADULT. I PROMISE YOU.
- WELL, OKAY, I GUESS SO.
- YEAH. I'M GETTING,
LIKE, ALL MISTY AGAIN.
- DOBIE'S HOME.
- YOU KNOW YOU'RE GLAD.
AND THE BEST PART IS,
HE CAME HOME A HERO,
NO HUMILIATION, NO DISGRACE.
- DUE TO HIS SOLID UPBRINGING.
- AND HIS FINE CHARACTER.
- AND HIS INITIATIVE.
- AND HIS HARD WORK.
- AND HIS MOTHER.
YOU LEFT YOUR GLASSES ON TOP
OF "TEN WAYS TO CONTROL FUNGUS
IN THE CALIFORNIA REDWOOD."
- OH.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪