The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 26 - That's Show Biz - full transcript

Mr & Mrs. Gillis are persuaded to help with the Central High Student-Parent Betterment League's Capers, an amateur revue featuring acts of questionable talent. This episode turns the spotlight on Frank Faylen.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪



♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ DOBIE! ♪

- I HAVE A LOT OF
TROUBLE WITH MY PARENTS,

BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE PARENTS
FOR BUT TO GIVE YOU TROUBLE?

WHAT BUGS ME IS THAT
I'M HAVING TROUBLE

WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S
PARENTS, AND THAT'S NOT FAIR.

I MEAN, PARENTS OUGHT TO
STAY ON THEIR OWN KIDS' BACKS

AND KEEP OFF STRANGERS'.

NOW, YOU TAKE
MR. AND MRS. ELLINGBOE.

THEY'RE CLOTHILDE
ELLINGBOE'S MOTHER AND FATHER.

- CLOTHILDE!

- I TOLD YOU THEY
WOULDN'T LIKE ME.



- MOTHER, DADDY,

I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET DOBIE GILLIS.

- HOW DO YOU DO, SIR? SEE?

- AND THIS IS MY
BROTHER, ARTHUR.

- HI.

- YOU DON'T LOOK FAMILIAR.

DO YOU SPEND MUCH
TIME AROUND THE LIBRARY?

- WELL, NO. NO. NOT THIS YEAR.

- I DO, IN THE
MATHEMATICS DEPARTMENT.

- OH?

- ARTHUR IS UP TO
QUADRATIC EQUATIONS.

- THEY'RE NICE.

- GILLIS. GILLIS. NO. NO,

I'M SURE I NEVER
MET YOUR PARENTS.

- WHY HAVEN'T WE MET
YOUR PARENTS, MR. GILLIS?

WE ATTEND EVERY CHSSPBL MEETING.

- CHSSPBL?

- YES, THE CENTRAL HIGH
SCHOOL STUDENTS AND PARENTS

BETTERMENT LEAGUE.

- OH, THAT CHSSPBL. YEAH.

- WHY HAVEN'T WE MET YOUR
PARENTS AT THE MEETINGS

OF THE CHSSPBL?

- WELL, THEY DON'T GO.

- THEY DON'T GO?
- NO. NO.

MOM WOULD GO, BUT SHE CAN'T
EVER GET DAD TO COME ALONG.

YOU SEE, WHEN
NIGHTTIME COMES AROUND,

HIS FEET HURT.

- THE GREAT BATTLE FOR
MEN'S MINDS LIES AHEAD,

AND ANY MAN WHO STAYS HOME
AT NIGHT AND CODDLES HIS FEET

IS DESERTING UNDER FIRE.

- A YOUNG MAN RAISED
WITHOUT SUCH STANDARDS

AMID SLOTH AND DISINTEREST
IS HARDLY THE KIND OF BOY

WE WOULD FIND SUITABLE
FOR OUR DAUGHTER.

- CLOTHILDE, IT'S TIME
TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

- I ALREADY DID MINE.
- YOU WOULD.

- GOOD DAY, MR. GILLIS.

- GOODBYE, MR. GILLIS.

- SEE?

WHAT'D I TELL YOU
ABOUT ME AND PARENTS?

IT'S SPOOKY.

AND I WOULDN'T EXACTLY
SAY YOU STUCK UP FOR ME.

- WELL, THEY'RE RIGHT, YOU KNOW.

- YOU MEAN YOU
FEEL THE SAME WAY?

- WELL, THE CHSSPBL
IS IMPORTANT.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU COULD
GET YOUR FATHER TO GO?

- HA!

- FOR ME, DOBIE? DEAR DOBIE.

- CLOTHILDE, FOR YOU I'D
WALK OVER A BED OF COALS

EIGHT MILES LONG.

I'D THROW MYSELF IN
FRONT OF A STREET CAR.

I'D GO WITHOUT FOOD AND WATER.

BUT TRYING TO TALK MY
FATHER INTO SOMETHING?

IT CAN'T BE DONE.

- DOBIE, THAT'S
RIDICULOUS. YOU CAN DO IT.

MAKE YOUR FATHER
GIVE YOU A PROMISE

THAT HE'LL GO TO NEXT
WEDNESDAY NIGHT'S MEETING.

HE'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.

- BOY, WILL HE GIVE IT TO ME.

OH, MAYNARD,

I HAVE TO DO A TERRIBLE
THING TO MY FATHER.

- OH, DON'T DO IT, DOBE.

I MEAN, HE MIGHT BE,
LIKE, STINGY AND ROTTEN,

BUT AFTER ALL, HE'S YOUR FATHER,
AND HE LOVES YOU IN HIS OWN WAY.

ANYHOW, YOU'LL GET CAUGHT.
- MAYNARD.

- BESIDES, ANYTIME SOMETHING
LIKE THIS GETS IN THE PAPERS,

MY OLD MAN LOWERS
THE BOOM ON ME.

- MAYNARD, LISTEN.
- LIKE LAST WEEK.

MY OLD MAN WAS
READING THE PAPER,

AND IT'S ABOUT THIS KID THAT
STOLE A CAR IN MINNEAPOLIS.

- MAYNARD.

- MAN, HE GOT SO SHOOK UP,

HE SENT ME TO BED
WITHOUT ANY SUPPER.

I NEVER BEEN IN MINNEAPOLIS.
- NO.

- IN FACT, I'VE NEVER BEEN
IN THE STATE OF INDIANA.

- MAYNARD, CONCENTRATE.

NOW, I'M NOT GONNA
KILL MY FATHER,

I'M JUST GONNA TRY AND
MAKE HIM GO TO SOME MEETINGS

OF THAT STUDENTS AND
PARENTS BETTERMENT OUTFIT.

- THAT'S WORSE.
- YEAH.

YOUR PARENTS GO TO THE MEETINGS?

- MAN, YOU'RE JOSHING.

THEY HOLD THEM
MEETINGS IN THE SCHOOL.

- SO?

- SO MY FATHER SAYS
HE SPENDS SO MUCH TIME

IN THE PRINCIPAL'S
OFFICE DURING THE DAY,

HE'S, LIKE, ENTITLED
TO STAY HOME AT NIGHT.

- HE'S GOT A POINT.

WELL, MAYNARD, I
BETTER GO SEE DAD.

NO USE WAITING ANYMORE.

- DOBE, DON'T STAND TOO
CLOSE WHEN YOU ASK HIM.

- TRUE.

- CHSSPBL?
- YEAH.

IT'S A... WELL, KIND
OF A CLUB, DAD.

- WHO NEEDS MORE CLUBS?
I'M ALREADY A MOOSE.

- YOU... THIS IS...

- DO THEY GO BOWLING?
- NO.

- DO THEY SHOOT
A LITTLE SNOOKER?

- NO.

- DO THEY SIT AROUND AND
SMOKE AND SWAP STORIES?

- NO.

- THEN IT'S A PHONY
ORGANIZATION,

AND THEY OUGHT
TO BE INVESTIGATED.

- HERBERT, DOBIE IS TALKING
ABOUT THE STUDENTS AND PARENTS

BETTERMENT LEAGUE.

THEY DO VERY WORTHWHILE WORK.

- I'M GLAD I'M A MOOSE.

- DAD, I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO
GO TO ONE OF THEIR MEETINGS.

DON'T GET SORE.

- SORE? WHO'S SORE?

IT'S A PERFECTLY
REASONABLE REQUEST.

- I'M GLAD YOU'RE TAKING
THAT ATTITUDE, DEAR.

- WHY, CERTAINLY.

I OUGHT TO PUT ON A SUIT AND TIE
AND GO TO ALL KINDS OF MEETINGS

EVERY NIGHT.

ALL I DO IS GET UP AT 5:30
IN THE A.M. EVERY MORNING

AND GO DOWN TO
THE PRODUCE MARKET.

SO WHEN NIGHT COMES,
I'M FULL OF VIM AND VIGOR

AND READY TO PUT
ON A SUIT AND A TIE

AND GO TO SOME MEETING IN
SOME BROKEN-DOWN AUDITORIUM

AND SIT ON THOSE HARD SEATS

AND LISTEN TO
STIMULATING DISCUSSIONS

ABOUT THE PROBLEMS
OF ADOLESCENCE.

- WELL, THEY DO HAVE
PROBLEMS, YOU KNOW.

- OH, I KNOW. I KNOW. AND I
KNOW HOW TO SOLVE THEM.

JUST GIVE ME A SAWED-OFF
BASEBALL BAT ABOUT YAY LONG,

AND I WILL TURN THIS ADOLESCENT
INTO THE MOST WELL-ADJUSTED KID

YOU EVER SAW.

A LITTLE LUMPY MAYBE,
BUT WELL-ADJUSTED.

- HERBERT, YOU ARE NOT
BEING VERY PROGRESSIVE.

- THAT'S RIGHT, DAD.

- YOU SHUT UP.
- HERBERT!

- AND WHY ALL THIS SUDDEN
INTEREST IN EDUCATION?

OH, WHAT A STUPID QUESTION.

THERE'S GOTTA BE A GIRL
IN BACK OF IT SOMEHOW.

I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT SOMEHOW.

- DAD, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

- OH, NOT ALL AT ONCE, BOY.

A SUDDEN CHANGE LIKE
THAT CAN GIVE A MAN

A CASE OF THE GALLOPING
JUMPS OR SOMETHING.

BE JUST A LITTLE HONEST
TO BEGIN WITH, HUH?

- DAD, I'M IN LOVE WITH A GIRL
NAMED CLOTHILDE ELLINGBOE.

- CLOTHILDE ELLINGBOE?

- HER PARENTS ARE
VERY FINE PEOPLE.

- UNLIKE YOUR PARENTS,
WHO ARE AXE MURDERERS.

- HERBERT, BE QUIET.

I HAPPEN TO KNOW WHO
THE ELLINGBOES ARE.

THEY'RE VERY ACTIVE IN ALL
KINDS OF WORTHY CAUSES.

- WELL, HE SAYS THAT ANY FATHER
WHO DOESN'T TAKE AN INTEREST

IN HIS CHILD'S EDUCATION IS
NO BETTER THAN A SLACKER.

- SLACKER?

LISTEN, I ENLISTED AND
WOUND UP A FIRST SERGEANT

WITH A GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL.

HE WAS PROBABLY RIDING
A DESK IN THE PENTAGON.

- ACTUALLY, DAD, HE WAS
A PT BOAT COMMANDER.

- OH, AN OFFICER,
HUH? IT FIGURES.

- HERBERT, WILL YOU LISTEN?

FOR YEARS I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO TELL YOU THE SAME THING.

HELPING WITH DOBIE'S
EDUCATION IS VERY IMPORTANT.

- AND FOR YEARS, I HAVE
BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU

THE SAME THING.

MY FEET HURT, MY LEGS HURT,
MY BACK HURTS, MY ARMS HURT,

MY HEAD HURTS.

- NO WONDER YOUR HEAD HURTS.

OPEN IT UP, LET IN
A LITTLE FRESH AIR.

- FRESH AIR IN MY HEAD?

- NEW IDEAS, NEW
THOUGHTS, STIMULATION.

THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED.

- WHAT I NEED IS TO LIE DOWN.

- NONSENSE. WHEN'S
THE NEXT MEETING, DEAR?

- WEDNESDAY NIGHT.
- WE'LL BE THERE.

- THANKS, MOM.

AND DAD, IT WON'T
BE TOO BAD, HONEST.

YOU MAY THINK YOUR SOUL IS DEAD,

BUT BELIEVE ME, SOMEWHERE,
A TINY SPARK STILL BURNS.

- NOW, LISTEN...
- KEEP THAT THOUGHT, DAD.

- OOH, I GOTTA KILL
THAT BOY. I JUST GOTTA.

- MAY I HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION, PLEASE?

WELL, AS YOU KNOW, WE
HAVE POSTPONED THE MEETING

OF OUR REGULAR STUDENT
AND PARENT BETTERMENT LEAGUE

SO THAT WE MAY DEVOTE
OUR ENTIRE DISCUSSION

TO OUR ANNUAL MUSICAL REVIEW,

WHICH IS QUITE WIDELY KNOWN
NOW AS THE CHSSPBL CAPERS.

WELL, MRS. KENNY HERE
HAS AGAIN AGREED TO IMPART

A DELIGHTFUL RENDITION

OF "SHE WAS POOR
BUT SHE WAS HONEST,"

WHICH WE'VE ALL KNOWN AND
LOVED FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS.

- THE OLD ONES ARE
THE BEST, I ALWAYS SAY.

- THANK YOU.

NOW, MAY WE HEAR FROM
OUR FACULTY REPRESENTATIVE,

MRS. ADAMS?

- THANK YOU.

MR. O'MALLEY, OUR GYM TEACHER,

HAS AGREED TO DO AN EXHIBITION
ON THE PARALLEL BARS AND RINGS.

- HE'S RECOVERED FROM LAST YEAR?

- OH, YES, HE HAS, QUITE WELL.

MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT WILL
AGAIN BE PROVIDED BY MISS COLLINS,

MISS HYDE, MISS
MUNSON AND MR. KENNEDY

OF THE ENGLISH DEPARTMENT,

THE SWEET STRINGS
OF CENTRAL HIGH,

AS THEY LIKE TO CALL THEMSELVES.

- YES, DON'T THEY?

- MR. SCHWARTZ
OF MANUAL TRAINING

IS GOING TO DO
SOME GLASSBLOWING,

AND MR. MILLFLOSS OF BIOLOGY

WILL DO BIRD CALLS
OF NORTH AMERICA.

- WELL, THANK YOU, MRS.
ADAMS, FOR FUNCTIONING

WITH YOUR USUAL
DISPATCH AND EFFICIENCY.

WELL, I THINK WE MAY
SAFELY SAY WE'RE ALL SET.

- WELL, NOT QUITE,
MRS. ARMITAGE.

- WHY, WITH ALL THIS
ABUNDANCE OF TALENT?

- OH, YES.

TALENT IS NOT OUR
PROBLEM, LABOR IS.

WE NEED SOMEONE
TO PULL THE CURTAINS,

SHIFT THE SCENERY,
HANDLE THE LIGHTS,

TAKE CARE OF ALL THE
PHYSICAL DETAIL BACKSTAGE.

- OH, WHERE WOULD WE
EVER FIND SUCH A MAN?

- SOMETIMES, MRS. ARMITAGE,

OUR PRAYERS ARE
ANSWERED VERY QUICKLY.

- GOODNESS, MAYBE WE
GOT THE WRONG NIGHT.

- NO. THIS IS WEDNESDAY NIGHT.

I KNOW, BECAUSE WE ARE
MISSING "THE MILLIONAIRE."

- UP HERE, MR. GILLIS.
OH, DO COME UP.

- WHERE'S THIS BETTERMENT
LEAGUE CLAMBAKE GOING ON?

- WE CANCELED TONIGHT'S MEETING

OF THE STUDENT PARENT
BETTERMENT LEAGUE.

- SWELL.

- INSTEAD, WE'RE HAVING
A SPECIAL LITTLE MEETING.

- YES, YOU MIGHT CALL
IT A RUMP SESSION.

GOOD EVENING, MRS. GILLIS.
- HOW DO YOU DO, MRS. ARMITAGE.

- HOWDY DOODY, MR. GILLIS?

- I SEE YOU KNOW EVERYONE
EXCEPT THE ELLINGBOES,

MR. AND MRS. GILLIS.

- HOW DO YOU DO?
- OH, THE PT BOAT COMMANDER.

- OH, YOU'VE HEARD?
- I HEARD.

- YOU MUST BE DOBIE'S PARENTS.

HOW NICE TO SEE
YOU AT THE CHSSPBL.

- PLEASE SIT DOWN, WON'T YOU?

IT'S SO FORTUNATE THAT
YOU DROPPED BY THIS EVENING.

WE WERE JUST
DISCUSSING THE CAPERS.

- WHAT CAPERS?

- OH, IT'S OUR ANNUAL
MUSICAL REVIEW.

- AMATEUR THEATRICAL?
OH, HOW NICE.

- AND IT'S FOR SUCH
A WORTHY CAUSE.

AFTER THE SHOW,

WE TAKE UP A COLLECTION
FOR THE TEENAGE CANTEEN.

- I DON'T WANT TO BRAG,

BUT I STILL HAVE QUITE
A SWEET LITTLE VOICE.

IT'S NOT VERY LARGE, OF
COURSE, BUT IT'S CLEAR AND TRUE.

MAYBE YOU COULD
USE ME IN YOUR CAPERS?

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

- OF COURSE WE COULD USE YOU,
MRS. GILLIS, AND MR. GILLIS TOO.

- ME?

- OH, I'M SURE YOU'D BE A
GREAT ASSET TO THE SHOW.

IT'S SUCH A WORTHY CAUSE,
THE TEENAGE CANTEEN.

- WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I USED TO DO A LITTLE
HOOFING WHEN I WAS A KID.

YOU SEE, I WON THIS
COURSE IN TAP DANCING

AT A RAFFLE ONE TIME.

- WELL, AS A MATTER
OF FACT, MR. GILLIS,

WE HAVE ALL THE
TALENT THAT WE CAN USE,

ESPECIALLY SINCE WE'VE
ADDED MRS. GILLIS TO THE CAST.

- I KNOW JUST WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO,

A LOVELY OLD SONG
ABOUT A SHEPHERDESS

AND TWO LITTLE LAMBS.

- MR. O'MALLEY IS GOING
TO GIVE AN EXHIBITION

ON THE PARALLEL BARS,

AND MR. SCHWARTZ IS GOING
TO DO SOME GLASSBLOWING.

- WELL, AS YOU SAID,

YOU ARE REALLY
LOADED WITH TALENT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

- TO ASSIST ME.

I'M THE STAGE MANAGER, YOU
SEE, AND YOU WILL ASSIST ME,

YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE THINGS
THAT ONE DOES BACKSTAGE.

- LIKE PULLING UP
CURTAINS, SHIFTING SCENERY,

TENDING THE LIGHTS,
PUSHING A BROOM,

LITTLE THINGS LIKE THAT?

- UH-HUH.

- UH-UH.

- CAN WE DEPEND ON YOU?

- OF COURSE YOU CAN.

- OH, I GOTTA...
TWO, THREE, FOUR...

- WELL, MR. O'MALLEY IS NEXT.

WILL YOU PULL THE
CURTAIN UP, PLEASE?

- DON'T YOU THINK IT
WOULD BE MORE HUMANE

TO LEAVE IT DOWN?

[ MUSIC ]

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
SO MANY ARE WALKING OUT.

- BASIC LAW OF HUMAN
NATURE, SELF-PRESERVATION.

- BUT WE HAVE SOME
VERY NICE ACTS.

- ACTS? WHAT ACTS?
- SSH.

- A COUPLE OF FAT THINGS
OUT THERE PLAYING CHOPSTICKS

ON A PILE OF MASON JARS?

SOME BALD-HEADED
GALOOT WITH GLASSES

GARGLING THE MATING CALL
OF THE TUFT-HEADED IBIS?

THOSE WEREN'T ACTS, THEY
WERE MAJOR DISASTERS.

- AFTER ALL, MR. GILLIS, WE'RE
NOT PROFESSIONAL ENTERTAINERS,

WE ARE ONLY AMATEURS.

- OH, YOU CAN SAY
THAT AGAIN AND AGAIN.

- MR. O'MALLEY'S
FINISHED HIS ACT.

- AND THAT TOOK NERVE.

- MR. AND MRS.
ELLINGBOE, YOU'RE ON,

AND ARTHUR.

[ MUSIC ]

- AND NOW, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, FOR THEIR FIFTH NUMBER,

LAURABEL AND CECIL ELLINGBOE
WILL DO THEIR DRAMATIC VERSION

OF ROBERT BROWNING'S IMMORTAL
"INCIDENT OF THE FRENCH CAMP."

THEY WILL BE ASSISTED BY
MASTER ARTHUR ELLINGBOE.

[ MUSIC ]

- "YOU KNOW, WE FRENCH
STORMED RATISBON.

"A MILE OR SO AWAY,
ON A LITTLE MOUND,

"NAPOLEON STOOD
ON OUR STORMING-DAY.

"WITH NECK THRUST
OUT, YOU FANCY HOW,

"LEGS WIDE, ARMS LOCKED BEHIND,

"AS IF TO BALANCE THE PRONE
BROW OPPRESSIVE WITH ITS MIND.

"JUST AS PERHAPS HE MUSED...

- "MY PLANS THAT SOAR,
TO EARTH MAY FALL,

"LET ONCE MY ARMY LEADER
LANNES WAVER AT YONDER WALL.

- "OUT 'TWIXT THE BATTERY-SMOKE
THERE FLEW A RIDER,

BOUND ON BOUND..."

- HORSE.

- [WHINNIES ]

- "THE CHIEF'S EYE FLASHED;
BUT PRESENTLY SOFTENED ITSELF,

"AS SHEATHES A FILM
THE MOTHER-EAGLE'S-EYE

WHEN HER BRUISED
EAGLET BREATHES."

- OOH, THIS IS CRIMINAL.

THIS IS WORSE THAN
THAT GLASSBLOWER.

DIDN'T ANYBODY
EVER TELL THAT GUY

NOT TO INHALE?

- MR. GILLIS, THAT'S
NOTHING TO JOKE ABOUT.

HE'LL BE ON A LIQUID
DIET FOR MONTHS.

- YOU KNOW WHERE
YOU MADE YOUR MISTAKE?

YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN
UP YOUR COLLECTION

FOR THE TEENAGE CANTEEN
BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED.

BY THE TIME THIS TURKEY IS
OVER, THERE WON'T BE A SOUL LEFT

IN THE HOUSE.
- PLEASE, MR. GILLIS.

THE ELLINGBOES ARE
TRYING HARD TO BE HEARD.

- "YOU ARE WOUNDED!

- "NAY.

- "HIS SOLDIER'S PRIDE

"TOUCHED TO THE
QUICK, HE SAID...

- "I'M KILLED, SIRE.

- AND HIS CHIEF BESIDE,
SMILING THE BOY FELL DEAD."

- MAYBE I SHOULD GO OUT THERE
AND DO A SOFT SHOE OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, I HAD DANCING
LESSONS WHEN I WAS A KID.

- SO DID I, MR. GILLIS.

EVERYONE HAD DANCING
LESSONS WHEN HE WAS A KID.

- ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO
ONE TOGETHER, HUH?

- PLEASE, MR. GILLIS. OUR
JOB IS BACK HERE WORKING.

- THAT'S EASY.

THE HARD PART IS
OUT THERE WATCHING.

- SSH.
- SSH.

- RATHER EFFECTIVE,
DON'T YOU THINK?

- IT WAS MARVELOUS.
JUST MARVELOUS.

- THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU.

- OOH, HOW CAN
SUCH BIG BLACK LIES

COME OUT OF SUCH
PRETTY WHITE TEETH?

LOOK, WHY DON'T WE
GO OUT THERE AND HOOF

BEFORE THEY EMPTY THE HOUSE?

- OH, PLEASE, MR. GILLIS.

[ MUSIC ]

♪ I'M THINKING OF A LITTLE
TOWN WHERE BIRDS ARE SINGING ♪

♪ BELLS ARE
RINGING ON THE HILL ♪

♪ I SEE YOU IN
THAT SIMPLE TOWN ♪

♪ THE MEMORIES BRINGING 'ROUND
MY HEART THAT OLD LOVE THRILL ♪

♪ I CLOSE MY EYES AND WANDER ♪

♪ IN DREAMS I GO BACK YONDER ♪

♪ IT SEEMS I'M WITH YOU STILL ♪

♪ BY THE MILL ♪

♪ WHERE THEY MAKE SWEET CIDER ♪

♪ I MADE SWEET LOVE TO YOU ♪

♪ MILL WHEEL WAS TURNING
AS I SAT THERE YEARNING ♪

♪ FOR ONE KISS THE
SWEETEST I KNEW ♪

♪ ON THE HILL FROM
THE OLD TOWN CHAPEL ♪

♪ THOSE EVENING
BELLS WOULD CHIME ♪

[ BELLS RINGING ]

♪ THAT GOLDEN NOVEMBER
SWEET CIDER TIME ♪

♪ WHEN YOU WERE MINE ♪

- OH, NO.

COME ON, LADY,
DANCE WITH ME, PLEASE.

- NO. BE QUIET.

- FOR THE TEENAGE CANTEEN,
FOR THE SAKE OF SWEET CHARITY,

BEFORE THEY TEAR THIS PLACE
DOWN AS A MENACE TO PUBLIC HEALTH.

COME ON, DANCE WITH ME

WHILE THERE'S STILL
SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE.

♪ ON THE HILL ♪

- NO.

♪ FROM THE OLD TOWN CHAPEL ♪

♪ THOSE EVENING
BELLS WOULD CHIME ♪

♪ I ALWAYS REMEMBER
THAT GOLDEN NOVEMBER ♪

♪ SWEET CIDER TIME
WHEN YOU WERE MINE ♪

♪ SWEET CIDER TIME
WHEN YOU WERE MINE ♪

[ MUSIC ]

♪ DOWN AMONG THE
SHELTERING PALMS ♪

♪ OH, HONEY WAIT FOR ME
OH, HONEY WAIT FOR ME ♪

♪ MEET ME DOWN BY
THE OLD GOLDEN GATE ♪

♪ DOWN WHERE THE SUN
GOES DOWN ABOUT EIGHT ♪

♪ HOW MY LOVE IS BURNING,
BURNING, BURNING ♪

♪ HOW MY HEART IS YEARNING,
YEARNING, YEARNING ♪

- HOW ABOUT EVENING
UP THE ODDS, HUH?

GIVE THE AUDIENCE
EARPLUGS AND BLINDFOLDS.

♪ HOW MY LOVE IS BURNING,
BURNING, BURNING ♪

♪ HOW MY HEART IS YEARNING,
YEARNING, YEARNING ♪

♪ DOWN AMONG THE
SHELTERING PALMS ♪

♪ OH, HONEY WAIT FOR ME ♪

[ MUSIC ]

- WELL, DOESN'T SHE LOOK GREAT?

- DO YOU MIND IF I USE TWO
LITTLE LAMBS IN THIS NUMBER?

IT WILL GIVE IT A
TOUCH OF REALISM.

- REAL LAMBS?

- YOU'LL SEE.

- WELL, YOU'RE ON
NEXT, MRS. GILLIS.

- TALLY-HO.

- THAT'S SHOWBIZ.

[ MUSIC ]

♪ DOWN IN THE MEAD ♪

♪ WHERE PAPA LAID
HIS PIPE TO NAPKIN ♪

♪ THOUGH THE YOUNG SHEPHERD... ♪

♪ SHE STILL
BROUGHT HIS PIPE... ♪

- I WONDER IF IT'S TOO
LATE TO CHANGE MY NAME.

WELL, MISSUS?

- MR. GILLIS?

- OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.
- LET'S HOOF.

♪ ... ♪

- LOOK, BUNNY BOO, I'M SORRY.

- DON'T APOLOGIZE,
DEAR. I WAS GHASTLY.

- OH, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

- I WOULD.

- WELL, YOU READY?

- OH, WHAT ABOUT COSTUMES?
WE CAN'T DANCE IN THESE CLOTHES.

- MRS. ADAMS, FOR THE
LINCOLN-DOUGLAS DEBATE,

WILL THESE COSTUMES DO?

- THE COSTUMES
WILL DO VERY NICELY.

[ MUSIC ]

- HELP! HELP! LET US OUT!

- GILLIS, YOU'LL NEVER
GET AWAY WITH THIS!

I'LL PUT YOU ON REPORT. I'LL
HAVE YOU COURT-MARTIALED!

- OH, QUIET, CECIL, YOU'RE
NOT IN A PT BOAT NOW.

- QUIET, PLEASE. QUIET.

THE BOARD OF EDUCATION HAS
CALLED THIS SPECIAL MEETING

TO INVESTIGATE SERIOUS
CHARGES MADE BY CERTAIN MEMBERS

OF THE BETTERMENT LEAGUE.

[ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ]

- QUIET, PLEASE. ONE
AT A TIME, PLEASE.

MR. ELLINGBOE?

- MR. CHAIRMAN, MRS.
ELLINGBOE AND I ARE KNOWN

FAR AND WIDE FOR
OUR FAIR-MINDEDNESS.

THERE ARE SOME THINGS
THAT SIMPLY AREN'T DONE.

- A TEACHER...

A TEACHER ENTRUSTED
WITH THE MINDS AND HEARTS

OF OUR YOUNG PEOPLE
SHOWING OFF HER LEGS IN PUBLIC.

DISGRACEFUL.

AND TYING US UP!

- LOVELY.
- DELIGHTFUL.

- WHAT?

- I MEAN, HER LEGS WERE LOVELY.
- AND DELIGHTFUL.

- VERY MUCH LIKE MINE
WHEN I WAS A MITE YOUNGER,

OF COURSE.

- THINK OF ALL THE
MONEY WE'VE MADE

FOR THE TEENAGE CANTEEN.

- DISGRACEFUL,
THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

- YES, AND WE DEMAND TO KNOW

WHAT'S GOING TO
BE DONE ABOUT IT.

- WELL, WE'RE NOT GONNA
DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

UNTIL WE HAVE A LOOK.

WILL YOU OBLIGE US
THE PIANO, JETHRO?

[ MUSIC ]

- WONDERFUL.

- WELL?
- WELL?

- WELL...

DO YOU KIDS KNOW "JA
DA, JA DA, JING JING JING"?

[ MUSIC ]

- HI, DOBIE.

- OH, HELLO, CLOTHILDE.

- DOBIE, I'VE BEEN THINKING,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE
ME OVER TO THE MALT SHOP?

IF YOU'D LIKE, WE COULD
GO FOR A WALK IN THE PARK.

HOW ABOUT TO A MOVIE?

TO A DRIVE-IN?

IN MY CAR?

I'LL PAY.

DOBIE, YOU HAVEN'T
EVEN HEARD A WORD I SAID.

- OH, SURE I DID, CLOTHILDE.
SAY, HE'S PRETTY GOOD, ISN'T HE?

I MEAN, CONSIDERING HIS AGE
AND THE CONDITION OF HIS FEET.

YES, SIR. I'M REAL PROUD OF DAD.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪