The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 18 - The Flying Millicans - full transcript
Immediately after meeting and falling in love with her, Dobie learns more about Aphrodite Millican. Her life is focused on mental and physical health and well being, all in support of her family business. She is one member of the Four Flying Millicans, a traveling acrobatic troupe, with the other three members being her two hulking brothers and her aging father. Aphrodite ends up falling in love with Dobie, despite or more likely because he is weak mentally and physically. She and her family take on the task of whipping Dobie into shape in their quest to have him replace Mr. Millican in the act and in the process be part of their family by marrying Aphrodite. Dobie isn't sure if this future is his intended path, and as such he tries to end their relationship, which is easier said than done. Herbert and Maynard may also factor into the equation of Dobie's problem.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
- MY NAME'S DOBIE GILLIS.
I'M HAPPY.
I'M HAPPY BECAUSE
I'VE JUST FALLEN IN LOVE
AN HOUR AGO.
THIS IS THE HAPPIEST
PART OF A LOVE AFFAIR,
JUST AFTER FALLING IN LOVE
AND JUST BEFORE THE
PROBLEM OF MONEY COMES UP.
AH, THOSE PRECIOUS MINUTES.
WELL, THAT'S ENOUGH
OF BEING HAPPY.
TIME TO START
WORRYING ABOUT MONEY.
- APHRODITE!
IT'S YOU, MY APHRODITE MILLICAN.
I'VE BEEN SAYING THOSE
WORDS SINCE FIRST I HEARD THEM.
I'VE TRIED TO CONTROL
MYSELF, BUT IT'S NO USE.
I MUST TELL YOU,
APHRODITE MILLICAN,
WITH ALL HONESTY
AND ALL HUMILITY,
I LOVE YOU.
- OH, DOBIE.
- AND I SHALL LOVE YOU FOREVER.
JUST REPEAT AFTER ME
AND HOLD THE THOUGHT.
DOBIE GILLIS LOVES ME,
DOBIE GILLIS IS MY SLAVE.
- OH, DOBIE, I JUST ENROLLED
IN SCHOOL THIS MORNING.
THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW
ME WAS AN HOUR AGO.
- I KNOW. WHY, OH WHY,
DID I PART WITH YOU
FOR EVEN THAT HOUR?
- I WENT TO A GIRL'S GYM CLASS.
- YOU MUST DROP THE COURSE.
NOTHING MUST COME BETWEEN US.
- DOBIE, YOU'RE SO SILLY.
YOU DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
- WHAT DO I NEED TO KNOW?
YOU'RE YOU. ALL ELSE IS TRIVIA.
NO, NO, NO. DON'T TELL ME NO.
I SNEAKED A PEEK AT YOUR CARD.
YOU'RE ONLY 16 AND
A HALF YEARS OLD.
I'M 17.
BUT, MY DARLING, THE DIFFERENCES
IN OUR AGES WON'T MATTER.
I WON'T LET IT. THE
WORLD MAY SNEER
AND CALL OURS A
MAY-DECEMBER ROMANCE,
BUT I WON'T CARE.
I'LL JUST KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU.
- DOBIE, WHAT YOU
FEEL IS JUST PASSION.
- HEY, WATCH THAT!
YOU SURE YOU'RE
ONLY 16 AND A HALF?
- OF COURSE!
- WOW!
- DOBIE, YOU'RE SO
DELIGHTFULLY, OH, GAUCHE.
- OH, GAUCHE WHAT?
- GAUCHE, G-A-U-C-H-E.
IT'S FRENCH.
- OH, THAT GAUCHE!
YOU SURE YOU'RE
ONLY 16 AND A HALF?
- WELL, OF COURSE!
- WOW!
- DON'T YOU KNOW FRENCH?
- WHY, YEAH, SURE, SOME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I
AM? DUMB? MY GAUCHE!
- I'VE NEVER MET
ANYONE LIKE YOU.
- REALLY? WELL,
I'VE NEVER MET
ANYONE LIKE YOU EITHER.
SAY, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THIS
BENCH WAS MARBLE. I CAN'T...
- IT IS.
- YEAH.
KIND OF SLIPPERY HERE.
- HERE, FEEL.
- HUH?
- FEEL.
- OH.
SAY, THAT'S A PRETTY
GOOD MUSCLE FOR A GIRL.
- LET ME FEEL YOURS.
- OH, YEAH, OKAY.
- TIGHTEN IT. COME
ON, TIGHTEN IT!
OH, DOBIE, STOP
TEASING ME. TIGHTEN IT UP!
- LATER, LATER.
FIRST LET'S GO OVER
TO CHARLIE WONG'S
ICE CREAM PARLOR.
- ICE CREAM PARLOR?
- YEAH, THAT'S THE HANGOUT.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT,
DOBIE. FOR YOU, I WILL.
- GOOD, GOOD.
- DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?
- SURE, ALL THE TIME.
- TO SUCH A FRIVOLOUS PLACE?
- WELL, YEAH, SURE.
I MEAN, I FIGURE YOU GOTTA
FRIVOL ONCE IN A WHILE.
WELL, IT'S EITHER HERE OR HOME.
MAYNARD? MAYNARD,
HOW ARE YOU, MAYNARD?
- COOL, DAD.
- MAYNARD, THIS IS
APHRODITE MILLICAN.
APHRODITE, THIS IS MY
FRIEND, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- OH, FRANTIC!
[ SCATTING ]
- WELL, HE CERTAINLY BELONGS
IN SUCH A FRIVOLOUS PLACE.
- YEAH, OLD MAYNARD'S ABOUT
AS FRIVOL AS YOU CAN GET.
OH, CHARLIE? CHARLIE?
APHRODITE, ALTHOUGH
I'M NOT A WEALTHY MAN,
YOU MAY ORDER
ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING
YOUR HEART AND
STOMACH DESIRE UP TO...
- DID YOU EXPECT ME TO
SWALLOW ONE OF THOSE SODAS?
- HUH?
- AND YOU ARE GOING
TO SWALLOW... WELL, YOU ARE NOT!
- NO?
[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]
- CHINESE? WOW!
- NOW HERE'S WHAT
YOU SHOULD EAT,
NICE, SENSIBLE REFRESHMENT.
DOBIE, PROMISE ME
YOU'LL NEVER AGAIN
WASTE YOUR MONEY THAT WAY.
- I PROMISE, I PROMISE.
- AND THIS IS THE FAMILY ACT.
WE JUST GOT OFF
THE ROAD YESTERDAY
AND THIS IS OUR WINTER QUARTERS.
- THE FOUR FLYING MILLICANS.
YOU'RE AN ACROBAT?
- UH-HUH.
- AND YOU LIVE IN HERE?
- WELL, OF COURSE.
OH, HELLO, FATHER.
FATHER, I WANT YOU
TO MEET DOBIE GILLIS.
DOBIE, THIS IS MY FATHER.
- HOW DO YOU DO? DOBIE, IS IT?
- YES, MA'AM, DOBIE.
D-O-... FATHER?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- I MEAN, YOU'RE A MAN?
- FATHERS USUALLY ARE.
YES, MY BOY, I'VE BEEN
A MAN FOR 83 YEARS
AND I STILL AM.
- FATHER, WHILE I GET OUT
OF THESE RIDICULOUS
SCHOOL CLOTHES,
WHY DON'T YOU EXPLAIN TO DOBIE
WHY WE LIVE IN A BARN?
- YEAH.
[ LAUGH ]
- NONE OF US LIVE IN BARNS,
MY BOY, OR HOUSES OR MANSIONS.
THERE'S WHERE YOU LIVE, INSIDE!
YOU DON'T NEED
ANY MORE, CORRECT?
- OH, YES, SIR.
OF COURSE, IT'S NICE TO HAVE
SOMEPLACE TO TAKE A BATH.
- I WAS AN M.D., A
PROFESSOR OF MEDICINE.
SUDDENLY I REALIZED THE FOLLY
OF WHAT THE WORLD CALLS LIVING.
I DROPPED EVERYTHING
AND ADOPTED A WAY OF LIFE
BASED ON... ARE YOU
FAMILIAR WITH THE GREEKS?
- WELL, THERE'S A
GREEK BOY IN SCHOOL.
- I WAS REFERRING TO
THE ANCIENT GREEKS.
- OH, WELL, I DON'T
KNOW HIS PARENTS.
- WELL, WE LIVE LARGELY ON NUTS
AND FRUITS AND A FEW
HEALTHY VEGETABLES.
AND THESE SIMPLE,
COMFORTABLE GARMENTS
WE WEAR ARE HOMESPUN.
- HOMESPUN?
- HOMESPUN.
- I KNOW. WOW!
- WOW?
- IT'S A NEW WORD
I LEARNED TODAY.
- YOU ACTUALLY LEARNED
SOMETHING AT THAT SCHOOL?
I WILL ADMIT THAT, WELL,
APHRODITE PASSED THE
HARVARD ENTRANCE EXAMS
WHEN SHE WAS 12 JUST FOR FUN.
- WOW! OH, YOU SAID THAT.
I JUST MEANT WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GO TO THE MOVIES
TONIGHT? HUH? HUH?
ALTHOUGH I'M 17 YEARS OLD,
I ASSURE YOU I'M VERY
TRUSTWORTHY, SIR.
HOW ABOUT THE MOVIES, HUH? HUH?
- MY DEAR, DON'T FORGET
YOUR STUDY HOUR.
- OH.
- APHRODITE WILL
SEE YOU AT 8:00.
- YES, SIR, 8:00.
I ASSURE YOU IT
WAS AN ACCIDENT, SIR.
I STUMBLED. I ASSURE YOU
IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN, SIR.
- GOODNESS GRACIOUS, NEVER?
- NO, NEVER, NEVER.
- WHY, KISSING'S THE MOST
NATURAL, AFFECTIONATE GESTURE
IN THE WORLD! - IF... IT IS?
IT IS! 8:00!
- WELL, I NEVER SAW
YOU DO THAT BEFORE.
- I NEVER DID IT BEFORE.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER,
MY DAUGHTER?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST FEEL ALL SQUIGGLY INSIDE.
IS SQUIGGLY LOVE?
- THAT, OR BAD DIGESTION,
THE LATTER IN YOUR
CASE, OF COURSE,
BEING QUITE IMPOSSIBLE.
WE'VE ALWAYS HOPED
THAT THE MATE YOU CHOOSE
WOULD BE ABLE TO TAKE
MY PLACE IN THE ACT.
IF THIS DOBIE TURNS
OUT TO BE A USEFUL MATE,
WELL, WE JUST HAVE
TO BUILD HIM UP.
YES, SIR, BUILD HIM UP.
- ALL RIGHT, PUT IT
BACK! PUT IT BACK!
OKAY, THOMAS ALVA EDISON,
SO YOU INVENTED SOME
WAY TO OPEN THIS THING
WITHOUT THE BELL RINGING.
SO PUT IT BACK ANYWAY.
- PUT WHAT BACK, DAD?
- THE MONEY!
- THE MONEY, HA! THE
MONEY, WHO NEEDS IT?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER, DEAR?
- DOBIE. HE'S GOT ME
WORRIED HALF TO DEATH.
- WELL, HE DIDN'T TAKE ANY
MONEY AND INSTEAD OF EATING
SOMETHING EXPENSIVE,
HE ONLY TOOK A CARROT.
HE'S JUST DOING WHAT
YOU'VE ALWAYS TOLD HIM TO DO.
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT'S GOT ME
WORRIED HALF TO DEATH.
- ALL RIGHT, BOYS. TAKE
HER UP STEADY NOW.
EASY, STEADY, STEADY.
STRAIGHTEN UP!
ARMS UP! EXCELLENT!
[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]
THAT'LL BE YOUR YOUNG MAN.
- DOBIE, YOU'RE
THREE MINUTES LATE.
- I WAS THREE MINUTES EARLY,
BUT THESE LOOKED SO
GOOD, I STOPPED FOR A SNACK.
- DOBIE, I WANT YOU TO
MEET MY TWO BROTHERS.
- OH?
- THIS IS HERCULES.
- GLAD TO MEET YOU, DOBIE.
- HOW DO YOU...
- AND THIS IS ATLAS.
- HOW ARE YOU, DOBIE?
- BETTER, THANKS.
- GLAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, DOBIE.
- YES, SIR.
- FATHER, PLEASE! DON'T
YOU ALL BOTHER ABOUT US.
WE'LL JUST GO SIT OVER THERE.
- YEAH.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GO PICK
SOME NUTS AND BERRIES.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
THE MOVIES AFTER ALL.
- DOBIE?
- I ASSURE YOU, SIR...
- AS AN OLDER MAN, DON'T
YOU LIKE TO KISS GIRLS?
- MY GAUCHE, YES, SIR.
I MEAN, I IMAGINE I WOULD UNDER
THE PROPER CIRCUMSTANCES.
- WELL, THIS CIRCUMSTANCE
IS EMINENTLY PROPER.
SO FOR HEAVEN'S
SAKE, HOLD STILL!
- YES, SIR,
BUT THIS IS GONNA BE
VERY EMBARRASSING.
- FATHER!
- YOU STARTED IT!
- HEY, I ONLY DID WHAT
YOU SAID. YOU TOLD ME!
- OH, HE'S THE
ONE! I'M SURE OF IT!
- CONGRATULATIONS, SON!
- HUH?
- BOYS! BOYS!
LITTLE APHRODITE HAS
FOUND HER SOUL MATE!
- THERE'S SOMETHING I
THINK YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW.
I HAVE TO BE HOME BY 11:00.
- OH, DOBIE, YOU'RE SO
ADORABLY HELPLESS AND SHY.
- DOBIE, WE DON'T OBJECT
TO YOU. UNDERSTAND THAT,
BUT WE ARE WONDERING
ABOUT YOUR PHYSIQUE.
TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF. IN THERE.
MIGHT AS WELL GET USED
TO WEARING YOUR TUNIC.
WE EXPECT APHRODITE'S
MATE TO CARRY ON MY WORK,
LIVE AS WE DO, WORK
IN THE ACROBATIC ACT.
NOW THAT YOU'VE CHOSEN
HER AND SHE'S CHOSEN YOU,
WE MUST GET STARTED
BUILDING YOU UP.
WHY, IN ONE WEEK,
YOU'LL BE A DIFFERENT BOY.
- I JUST REMEMBERED,
SIR. THIS IS A SCHOOL NIGHT.
I'LL SEE YOU ALL LATER.
WAIT, WAIT, FELLAS!
FELLAS, PUT ME DOWN!
LOOK, I HAVE TO BE GOING!
PUT ME DOWN, FELLAS!
- I PROMISED YOU THAT IN A
WEEK, YOU'D BE A DIFFERENT BOY.
- I AM, I AM.
- EVEN HIS HAIR SEEMS WEAK!
YOU THINK IT'LL EVER
BE AS LONG AS OURS?
- YOU WANT MY HAIR
TO BE LIKE YOURS?
- NATURALLY, SON.
- WHAT'LL DAD SAY?
YOU MIGHT JUST AS
WELL GIVE UP ON ME, SIR.
I GUESS I'M JUST A NATURAL-BORN
90-POUND WEAKLING.
I GUESS THE BULLIES WILL
ALWAYS KICK SAND IN MY FACE.
I'LL JUST HAVE TO STAY AWAY
FROM THE BEACH AND PRETTY GIRLS.
- NONSENSE!
THAT ONLY MEANS THAT YOU'LL
HAVE TO WORK HARDER NEXT WEEK!
♪ DOBIE ♪
- MY NAME'S DOBIE
GILLIS. I'M NOT HAPPY.
I ALWAYS WANTED A SUPERIOR GIRL,
BUT I DIDN'T WANT ONE WHO
WAS SO SUPERIOR TO ME.
THAT'S THE TROUBLE. APHRODITE
MAKES ME FEEL WEAK AND STUPID.
AND THE REASON SHE MAKES
ME FEEL WEAK AND STUPID
IS BECAUSE OF TWO
OF MY BIGGEST FAULTS.
I'M WEAK AND I'M STUPID.
ALSO, I CAN'T KEEP
MY MOUTH SHUT.
NOT THAT I ACTUALLY
PROPOSED TO HER.
I TOLD HER I'D ADORE HER
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
THAT HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH MARRIAGE.
I'M NOT FICKLE. I
STILL LOVE APHRODITE.
I JUST WISH I'D
NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.
- OH, YOU'RE COMING
ALONG FINE, MY SON.
ANOTHER HALF-HOUR OF THIS
AND WE'LL HAVE THOSE SODAS
AND MALTS SWEATED OUT OF YOU.
YES, SIR.
MY DAUGHTER,
AFTER ALL, HE'S WEAK.
- I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I LOVE HIM.
BUT HE'S SO WEAK.
DO YOU THINK WE'LL
EVER BUILD HIM UP?
- NOW THAT'S WHAT'S
BOTHERED ME TOO.
YOU KNOW THE
IMPORTANCE OF BLOOD LINES.
I'VE DECIDED TO
CHECK ON HIS FATHER.
- FATHER, PLEASE
DON'T DO ANYTHING
THAT MIGHT COME
BETWEEN DOBIE AND ME.
- NOW, NOW, HIS
FATHER HAS A GROCERY.
I CAN CHECK ON HIM WHILE
HE'S MAKING A DELIVERY HERE.
HE WON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM.
- SIX QUARTS OF YOGURT? YEAH.
DOZEN BUNCHES OF
CARROTS, SAME OF CELERY,
SIX QUARTS OF
BLACKSTRAP MOLASSES?
OKAY, OKAY, YOU GOT IT.
SOME KIND OF A NUT.
- A HUNGRY NUT ANYWAY.
- HEY, THIS IS GOING OUT
ON CEDAR LAKE ROAD.
WHY DON'T YOU JUMP IN THE TRUCK
AND I'LL DROP YOU
OFF AT THE DEPOT?
- I ALREADY CALLED A CAB
AND THAT IS PROBABLY IT.
I'LL CALL YOU FROM
MOTHER'S WHEN I GET THERE.
AND I'LL TELL HER
YOU SENT YOUR LOVE.
- SURE. WHAT DO I
CARE IF YOU LIE TO HER?
[ LAUGHS ]
[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]
- NOW YOU GO KEEP DOBIE
BUSY AND DON'T WORRY.
I WON'T LET HIS FATHER
SUSPECT A THING.
- YOUR GROCERY ORDER, MA'AM?
- LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.
- HUH?
- MERELY A GENERAL
COMMENT ON HEREDITY.
- OH, WELL, CAN I PUT
THESE DOWN SOMEPLACE?
- ON THE TABLE.
- I'M SORRY I'M A LITTLE LATE,
BUT I COULDN'T DELIVER THEM
TILL AFTER I CLOSED THE STORE.
YOU SEE, MY WIFE'S OUT OF
TOWN VISITING HER MOTHER
AND THERE WAS NOBODY
TO TAKE CARE OF THE PLACE.
ORDINARILY, I MAKE
DELIVERIES, ZIP, JUST LIKE THIS.
DO YOU EAT THIS STUFF?
- WHY, YES.
- LIVE HERE?
- YES, WE LIVE A SIMPLE LIFE,
EAT SIMPLE FOOD,
SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.
- WELL, EVERYBODY
TO THEIR OWN TASTE.
THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.
- FINE. JUST TO SET YOU
RIGHT ON A POINT, MR...
- GILLIS, HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- MY NAME IS MILLICAN.
HOW DO YOU DO?
HOW DO YOU DO?
- OH, I DO ALL RIGHT
AND I CAN TAKE PRETTY
GOOD CARE OF MYSELF TOO.
THAT'LL BE 10.42, HUH?
- ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU ARE.
OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON.
- HEY, WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING THERE?
- I WAS JUST FEELING THE
TONE OF YOUR LEG MUSCLE.
NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
- MY LEG?
- DON'T BE SO SHY.
- LOOK, I'M A HAPPILY
MARRIED MAN!
- SHYNESS RUNS IN FAMILIES.
- HUH?
- OH, JUST ANOTHER
COMMENT ON HEREDITY.
I'M INTERESTED IN
HEREDITY AND HEALTH.
TELL ME, YOUR PARENTS LIVING?
- LOOK, LADY, $10.42,
THAT'S ALL. 10.42.
- OF COURSE, BUT WHY CAN'T
YOU SATISFY MY CURIOSITY?
- OKAY, SO BOTH MY
PARENTS ARE STILL LIVING
AND MY GRANDFATHER
ON MY FATHER'S SIDE
DIED AT THE AGE OF
86 IN PERFECT HEALTH!
BOY, YOU'RE A NOSY
OLD DAME, YOU KNOW?
- DIED IN PERFECT HEALTH?
- YEAH, HE WAS CHASING A FLY
AND HE GOT OUT INTO THE STREET
AND WAS RUN OVER BY A STREETCAR.
- WONDERFUL! PLAYED
BASEBALL AT THE AGE OF 86!
- I DID NOT SAY HE WAS
CHASING A FLY BALL.
I SAID HE WAS CHASING A FLY.
IT LIT ON HIM IN THE HOUSE
AND THAT MADE HIM MAD
AND HE CHASED IT
OUT INTO THE STREET
BECAUSE WHEN HE
GOT MAD AT SOMETHING,
HE STOPPED AT NOTHING.
AND SPEAKING OF HEREDITY,
THAT'S ONE THING I INHERITED
FROM MY GRANDFATHER
AND I'M MAD NOW! SO
COME UP WITH THE $10.42!
- SURE! THERE YOU ARE,
AND YOU DO HAVE
A SPLENDID SPIRIT!
- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, LADY?
ARE YOU SOME KIND OF
A NUT OR SOMETHING?
GETTING ME IN HERE
AND ASKING ME QUESTIONS
ABOUT MY WIFE BEING OUT OF TOWN?
- I DIDN'T ASK YOU
ABOUT YOUR WIFE.
YOU TOLD ME! YOU SAID SHE
WAS VISITING HER MOTHER!
- OH, AND YOU
HEARD ABOUT IT, HUH?
- OH, MR. GILLIS,
I'M AFRAID I'VE GONE
ABOUT THIS ALL WRONG.
DOBIE SAID...
- DOBIE?
- YOUR SON, DOBIE!
- DOBIE? WHAT DO
YOU MEAN, DOBIE?
- SOMEBODY CALL ME?
- SO THAT'S WHY
YOU ATE THE CARROT.
OH, A WHOLE NEST OF THEM!
- DAD, WHAT HAPPENED WAS...
- YOU WERE BORN,
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!
MY OWN BOY, MY OWN SON!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
DRESSED IN A THING LIKE THAT?
- MR. GILLIS, THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG.
IT'S MERELY A
COMFORTABLE GARMENT.
- FOR WHAT?
- WHY DON'T YOU
STEP INTO THE NEXT
ROOM AND TRY ONE ON?
- I WILL NOT!
- JUST WHILE YOU CALM DOWN.
- WATCH IT, BOYS. I USED
TO DO A LITTLE BOXING!
- NOW, NOW, CALM, MR. GILLIS.
MIGHT AS WELL TRY ONE
ON SINCE YOU'RE GOING TO BE
PRACTICALLY A
PART OF THE FAMILY.
- PART OF WHAT FAMILY?
- OUR FAMILY, BY
MARRIAGE AT LEAST.
YOUR SON DOBIE AND
MY DAUGHTER APHRODITE.
- HIM? MARRIAGE?
MARRIAGE? HIM?
- WHY, CERTAINLY.
- I GOTTA KILL THAT
BOY. I JUST GOT TO.
- MR. GILLIS, THE CHILDREN
HAVE CHOSEN EACH OTHER.
WE'RE TRAINING DOBIE
TO BECOME A MILLICAN,
A MEMBER OF OUR
ACROBATIC TROUPE.
- LOOK, I'M GETTING OUTTA HERE
AND NOBODY'S GONNA STOP ME.
AND WHEN I GET OUT,
I'M CALLING THE COPS
AND HAVING THIS PLACE RAIDED!
NO, I WON'T CALL THE
COPS! I'LL CALL THE FBI!
I GOT FRIENDS IN HIGH
PLACES! I'M A VETERAN!
- OH, DOBIE, I'M SORRY
IT TURNED OUT THIS WAY.
IT'S JUST, WELL,
YOU WERE SO WEAK,
WE HAD TO FIND OUT
ABOUT YOUR FATHER.
- WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.
SIR, I THINK YOU'D
BETTER LET HIM GO
AND I THINK I'D
BETTER GO WITH HIM.
IT'LL BE AWFUL WHEN I GET HOME,
BUT I THINK I'M GETTING A LITTLE
TIRED OF NUTS AND BERRIES
AND I'M GETTING
TIRED OF THIS TUNIC.
AND I KNOW I'M TIRED OF
TRAINING. I'M JUST TIRED.
- SPLENDID, SON!
THAT MEANS YOU'RE GETTING
CLOSE TO YOUR SECOND WIND!
- ALL RIGHT, OKAY! OKAY!
BUT I CAN STILL LICK YOU!
OH, AND YOU. YOU'RE
INTERESTED IN HEREDITY, HUH?
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING ABOUT HEREDITY.
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF
BACKWARDS HEREDITY?
WELL, HEREDITY
BACKS UP SOMETIMES
AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.
I GOT ME A CUCKOO SON
AND HEREDITY BACKED UP
ON ME AND NOW I'M CUCKOO.
OTHERWISE, I WOULDN'T BE
HERE PUTTING UP WITH ALL THIS!
WELL, I'M GETTING OUT
OF HERE RIGHT NOW
AND YOU ARE NOT COMING WITH ME!
YOU BEEN RUNNING AROUND FOR
THE PAST TWO OR THREE YEARS
LIKE SOME SORT
OF A LOVESICK NUT!
WELL, YOU BELONG IN A
CUCKOO'S NEST LIKE THIS!
YOU STILL OWE ME
42 CENTS! ACROBATS!
- DAD!
- YOU MADE YOUR FLOOR!
NOW LAY ON IT!
- MAYBE WE CAN MAKE SOMETHING
OUT OF YOU YET, BROTHER.
- NOW WE'RE REALLY GONNA
GET TO WORK, BROTHER.
- I'LL LAY OUT A
24-HOUR-A-DAY SCHEDULE.
YOU CAN LIVE HERE WITH US.
- OH, DOBIE, YOU'RE
MINE! ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
- HEY, MAN, I JUST WIGGED
ONE. I GOT ME A BULB.
- HUH?
- A BULB? THE LIGHT?
I GOT, LIKE, A SWINGING IDEA
HOW TO GET APHRODITE
TO SEND YOU TO QUIT CITY.
- YEAH?
- YEAH.
- I JUST REMEMBERED
YOUR LAST IDEA.
- OH, DIG THIS, GOOD BUDDY.
APHRODITE LOVES YOU
AND WHAT DOES SHE HATE?
- WHAT?
- ME.
- YEAH.
- SO I'LL FALL BY HER PEN
AND TELL HER THAT
IF SHE MARRIES YOU,
SHE GETS ME TOO. YOU AND ME,
WE'RE SO BUDDY-BUDDY,
I GOT TO GO RIDE ALONG.
I'LL LAY IT ON BIG.
PLEASE, APHRODITE, DON'T SAY NO.
IT WON'T DO ANY GOOD. I'M
GOING WITH YOU ANYWAY.
ME AND OLD DOBE ARE
SUCH BUDDY-BUDDIES
I'D BE LOST WITHOUT HIM.
I GOTTA GO ALONG, I GOTTA.
DON'T LEAVE ME
BEHIND! DON'T LEAVE ME!
OH, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!
- SHE DESPISES
YOU. IT MIGHT WORK.
LISTEN, I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE AT HER BARN AT 8:00.
YOU GOTTA FIX IT BEFORE THEN
OR SHE'LL COME
AND DRAG ME THERE.
- OKAY. WAIT HERE.
I'LL PHONE YOU
AS SOON AS I GET YOU OUT OF IT.
- YEAH.
OH, BEFORE 8:00!
- FOR THE LAST TIME,
THE CLOCK'S NOT WRONG.
FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE'S
NO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS.
IT'S 8:00!
FOR THE LAST TIME,
THERE'S BEEN NO
PHONE CALLS FOR YOU.
YOU'VE BEEN HERE ALL
THE TIME. NO PHONE CALLS.
IT'S 8:00!
- YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.
- DOBIE!
- YEAH.
- DOBIE, THERE'S
SOMETHING I MUST TELL YOU.
I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO TELL
YOU THE TRUTH FEARLESSLY,
DIRECTLY, HONESTLY. OH, DOBIE!
- OW! OW! WATCH THAT!
- DOBIE, YOU MUST PUT
ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
- YES, YES, ANYTHING... HUH?
- YOU MUST! YOU MUST!
- OH, I WILL! I WILL!
- STEEL YOURSELF.
- I'M STEEL, I'M STEEL!
- OH, I'M SORRY,
DEAR, DEAR DOBIE.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU
BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HELPLESS,
SO SHY.
- YEAH.
- BUT NOW THERE'S ONE
WHO NEEDS ME MORE,
SOMEONE SHYER, MORE HELPLESS.
OH, MAYNARD! POOR,
HELPLESS MAYNARD!
- FOR GAUCHE SAKES!
- HI, MAYNARD.
- OH, HI.
- HOW YOU GETTING
ALONG WITH APHRODITE?
- OH, SHE'S A WONDERFUL GIRL.
I MEAN, SHE'S SMART AND
STRONG AND LOYAL AND TRUE.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- AND SHE'S NO EXPENSE AT ALL.
- ALL FREE.
- AND SHE SPEAKS
SEVEN LANGUAGES!
- CHINESE.
- AND SHE PLAYS EVERY
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT THERE IS!
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- DOBIE?
- YEAH?
- YOU WANT HER BACK?
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ DOBIE! ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
- MY NAME'S DOBIE GILLIS.
I'M HAPPY.
I'M HAPPY BECAUSE
I'VE JUST FALLEN IN LOVE
AN HOUR AGO.
THIS IS THE HAPPIEST
PART OF A LOVE AFFAIR,
JUST AFTER FALLING IN LOVE
AND JUST BEFORE THE
PROBLEM OF MONEY COMES UP.
AH, THOSE PRECIOUS MINUTES.
WELL, THAT'S ENOUGH
OF BEING HAPPY.
TIME TO START
WORRYING ABOUT MONEY.
- APHRODITE!
IT'S YOU, MY APHRODITE MILLICAN.
I'VE BEEN SAYING THOSE
WORDS SINCE FIRST I HEARD THEM.
I'VE TRIED TO CONTROL
MYSELF, BUT IT'S NO USE.
I MUST TELL YOU,
APHRODITE MILLICAN,
WITH ALL HONESTY
AND ALL HUMILITY,
I LOVE YOU.
- OH, DOBIE.
- AND I SHALL LOVE YOU FOREVER.
JUST REPEAT AFTER ME
AND HOLD THE THOUGHT.
DOBIE GILLIS LOVES ME,
DOBIE GILLIS IS MY SLAVE.
- OH, DOBIE, I JUST ENROLLED
IN SCHOOL THIS MORNING.
THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW
ME WAS AN HOUR AGO.
- I KNOW. WHY, OH WHY,
DID I PART WITH YOU
FOR EVEN THAT HOUR?
- I WENT TO A GIRL'S GYM CLASS.
- YOU MUST DROP THE COURSE.
NOTHING MUST COME BETWEEN US.
- DOBIE, YOU'RE SO SILLY.
YOU DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
- WHAT DO I NEED TO KNOW?
YOU'RE YOU. ALL ELSE IS TRIVIA.
NO, NO, NO. DON'T TELL ME NO.
I SNEAKED A PEEK AT YOUR CARD.
YOU'RE ONLY 16 AND
A HALF YEARS OLD.
I'M 17.
BUT, MY DARLING, THE DIFFERENCES
IN OUR AGES WON'T MATTER.
I WON'T LET IT. THE
WORLD MAY SNEER
AND CALL OURS A
MAY-DECEMBER ROMANCE,
BUT I WON'T CARE.
I'LL JUST KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU.
- DOBIE, WHAT YOU
FEEL IS JUST PASSION.
- HEY, WATCH THAT!
YOU SURE YOU'RE
ONLY 16 AND A HALF?
- OF COURSE!
- WOW!
- DOBIE, YOU'RE SO
DELIGHTFULLY, OH, GAUCHE.
- OH, GAUCHE WHAT?
- GAUCHE, G-A-U-C-H-E.
IT'S FRENCH.
- OH, THAT GAUCHE!
YOU SURE YOU'RE
ONLY 16 AND A HALF?
- WELL, OF COURSE!
- WOW!
- DON'T YOU KNOW FRENCH?
- WHY, YEAH, SURE, SOME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I
AM? DUMB? MY GAUCHE!
- I'VE NEVER MET
ANYONE LIKE YOU.
- REALLY? WELL,
I'VE NEVER MET
ANYONE LIKE YOU EITHER.
SAY, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THIS
BENCH WAS MARBLE. I CAN'T...
- IT IS.
- YEAH.
KIND OF SLIPPERY HERE.
- HERE, FEEL.
- HUH?
- FEEL.
- OH.
SAY, THAT'S A PRETTY
GOOD MUSCLE FOR A GIRL.
- LET ME FEEL YOURS.
- OH, YEAH, OKAY.
- TIGHTEN IT. COME
ON, TIGHTEN IT!
OH, DOBIE, STOP
TEASING ME. TIGHTEN IT UP!
- LATER, LATER.
FIRST LET'S GO OVER
TO CHARLIE WONG'S
ICE CREAM PARLOR.
- ICE CREAM PARLOR?
- YEAH, THAT'S THE HANGOUT.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT,
DOBIE. FOR YOU, I WILL.
- GOOD, GOOD.
- DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?
- SURE, ALL THE TIME.
- TO SUCH A FRIVOLOUS PLACE?
- WELL, YEAH, SURE.
I MEAN, I FIGURE YOU GOTTA
FRIVOL ONCE IN A WHILE.
WELL, IT'S EITHER HERE OR HOME.
MAYNARD? MAYNARD,
HOW ARE YOU, MAYNARD?
- COOL, DAD.
- MAYNARD, THIS IS
APHRODITE MILLICAN.
APHRODITE, THIS IS MY
FRIEND, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- OH, FRANTIC!
[ SCATTING ]
- WELL, HE CERTAINLY BELONGS
IN SUCH A FRIVOLOUS PLACE.
- YEAH, OLD MAYNARD'S ABOUT
AS FRIVOL AS YOU CAN GET.
OH, CHARLIE? CHARLIE?
APHRODITE, ALTHOUGH
I'M NOT A WEALTHY MAN,
YOU MAY ORDER
ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING
YOUR HEART AND
STOMACH DESIRE UP TO...
- DID YOU EXPECT ME TO
SWALLOW ONE OF THOSE SODAS?
- HUH?
- AND YOU ARE GOING
TO SWALLOW... WELL, YOU ARE NOT!
- NO?
[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]
- CHINESE? WOW!
- NOW HERE'S WHAT
YOU SHOULD EAT,
NICE, SENSIBLE REFRESHMENT.
DOBIE, PROMISE ME
YOU'LL NEVER AGAIN
WASTE YOUR MONEY THAT WAY.
- I PROMISE, I PROMISE.
- AND THIS IS THE FAMILY ACT.
WE JUST GOT OFF
THE ROAD YESTERDAY
AND THIS IS OUR WINTER QUARTERS.
- THE FOUR FLYING MILLICANS.
YOU'RE AN ACROBAT?
- UH-HUH.
- AND YOU LIVE IN HERE?
- WELL, OF COURSE.
OH, HELLO, FATHER.
FATHER, I WANT YOU
TO MEET DOBIE GILLIS.
DOBIE, THIS IS MY FATHER.
- HOW DO YOU DO? DOBIE, IS IT?
- YES, MA'AM, DOBIE.
D-O-... FATHER?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- I MEAN, YOU'RE A MAN?
- FATHERS USUALLY ARE.
YES, MY BOY, I'VE BEEN
A MAN FOR 83 YEARS
AND I STILL AM.
- FATHER, WHILE I GET OUT
OF THESE RIDICULOUS
SCHOOL CLOTHES,
WHY DON'T YOU EXPLAIN TO DOBIE
WHY WE LIVE IN A BARN?
- YEAH.
[ LAUGH ]
- NONE OF US LIVE IN BARNS,
MY BOY, OR HOUSES OR MANSIONS.
THERE'S WHERE YOU LIVE, INSIDE!
YOU DON'T NEED
ANY MORE, CORRECT?
- OH, YES, SIR.
OF COURSE, IT'S NICE TO HAVE
SOMEPLACE TO TAKE A BATH.
- I WAS AN M.D., A
PROFESSOR OF MEDICINE.
SUDDENLY I REALIZED THE FOLLY
OF WHAT THE WORLD CALLS LIVING.
I DROPPED EVERYTHING
AND ADOPTED A WAY OF LIFE
BASED ON... ARE YOU
FAMILIAR WITH THE GREEKS?
- WELL, THERE'S A
GREEK BOY IN SCHOOL.
- I WAS REFERRING TO
THE ANCIENT GREEKS.
- OH, WELL, I DON'T
KNOW HIS PARENTS.
- WELL, WE LIVE LARGELY ON NUTS
AND FRUITS AND A FEW
HEALTHY VEGETABLES.
AND THESE SIMPLE,
COMFORTABLE GARMENTS
WE WEAR ARE HOMESPUN.
- HOMESPUN?
- HOMESPUN.
- I KNOW. WOW!
- WOW?
- IT'S A NEW WORD
I LEARNED TODAY.
- YOU ACTUALLY LEARNED
SOMETHING AT THAT SCHOOL?
I WILL ADMIT THAT, WELL,
APHRODITE PASSED THE
HARVARD ENTRANCE EXAMS
WHEN SHE WAS 12 JUST FOR FUN.
- WOW! OH, YOU SAID THAT.
I JUST MEANT WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GO TO THE MOVIES
TONIGHT? HUH? HUH?
ALTHOUGH I'M 17 YEARS OLD,
I ASSURE YOU I'M VERY
TRUSTWORTHY, SIR.
HOW ABOUT THE MOVIES, HUH? HUH?
- MY DEAR, DON'T FORGET
YOUR STUDY HOUR.
- OH.
- APHRODITE WILL
SEE YOU AT 8:00.
- YES, SIR, 8:00.
I ASSURE YOU IT
WAS AN ACCIDENT, SIR.
I STUMBLED. I ASSURE YOU
IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN, SIR.
- GOODNESS GRACIOUS, NEVER?
- NO, NEVER, NEVER.
- WHY, KISSING'S THE MOST
NATURAL, AFFECTIONATE GESTURE
IN THE WORLD! - IF... IT IS?
IT IS! 8:00!
- WELL, I NEVER SAW
YOU DO THAT BEFORE.
- I NEVER DID IT BEFORE.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER,
MY DAUGHTER?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST FEEL ALL SQUIGGLY INSIDE.
IS SQUIGGLY LOVE?
- THAT, OR BAD DIGESTION,
THE LATTER IN YOUR
CASE, OF COURSE,
BEING QUITE IMPOSSIBLE.
WE'VE ALWAYS HOPED
THAT THE MATE YOU CHOOSE
WOULD BE ABLE TO TAKE
MY PLACE IN THE ACT.
IF THIS DOBIE TURNS
OUT TO BE A USEFUL MATE,
WELL, WE JUST HAVE
TO BUILD HIM UP.
YES, SIR, BUILD HIM UP.
- ALL RIGHT, PUT IT
BACK! PUT IT BACK!
OKAY, THOMAS ALVA EDISON,
SO YOU INVENTED SOME
WAY TO OPEN THIS THING
WITHOUT THE BELL RINGING.
SO PUT IT BACK ANYWAY.
- PUT WHAT BACK, DAD?
- THE MONEY!
- THE MONEY, HA! THE
MONEY, WHO NEEDS IT?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER, DEAR?
- DOBIE. HE'S GOT ME
WORRIED HALF TO DEATH.
- WELL, HE DIDN'T TAKE ANY
MONEY AND INSTEAD OF EATING
SOMETHING EXPENSIVE,
HE ONLY TOOK A CARROT.
HE'S JUST DOING WHAT
YOU'VE ALWAYS TOLD HIM TO DO.
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT'S GOT ME
WORRIED HALF TO DEATH.
- ALL RIGHT, BOYS. TAKE
HER UP STEADY NOW.
EASY, STEADY, STEADY.
STRAIGHTEN UP!
ARMS UP! EXCELLENT!
[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]
THAT'LL BE YOUR YOUNG MAN.
- DOBIE, YOU'RE
THREE MINUTES LATE.
- I WAS THREE MINUTES EARLY,
BUT THESE LOOKED SO
GOOD, I STOPPED FOR A SNACK.
- DOBIE, I WANT YOU TO
MEET MY TWO BROTHERS.
- OH?
- THIS IS HERCULES.
- GLAD TO MEET YOU, DOBIE.
- HOW DO YOU...
- AND THIS IS ATLAS.
- HOW ARE YOU, DOBIE?
- BETTER, THANKS.
- GLAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, DOBIE.
- YES, SIR.
- FATHER, PLEASE! DON'T
YOU ALL BOTHER ABOUT US.
WE'LL JUST GO SIT OVER THERE.
- YEAH.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GO PICK
SOME NUTS AND BERRIES.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
THE MOVIES AFTER ALL.
- DOBIE?
- I ASSURE YOU, SIR...
- AS AN OLDER MAN, DON'T
YOU LIKE TO KISS GIRLS?
- MY GAUCHE, YES, SIR.
I MEAN, I IMAGINE I WOULD UNDER
THE PROPER CIRCUMSTANCES.
- WELL, THIS CIRCUMSTANCE
IS EMINENTLY PROPER.
SO FOR HEAVEN'S
SAKE, HOLD STILL!
- YES, SIR,
BUT THIS IS GONNA BE
VERY EMBARRASSING.
- FATHER!
- YOU STARTED IT!
- HEY, I ONLY DID WHAT
YOU SAID. YOU TOLD ME!
- OH, HE'S THE
ONE! I'M SURE OF IT!
- CONGRATULATIONS, SON!
- HUH?
- BOYS! BOYS!
LITTLE APHRODITE HAS
FOUND HER SOUL MATE!
- THERE'S SOMETHING I
THINK YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW.
I HAVE TO BE HOME BY 11:00.
- OH, DOBIE, YOU'RE SO
ADORABLY HELPLESS AND SHY.
- DOBIE, WE DON'T OBJECT
TO YOU. UNDERSTAND THAT,
BUT WE ARE WONDERING
ABOUT YOUR PHYSIQUE.
TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF. IN THERE.
MIGHT AS WELL GET USED
TO WEARING YOUR TUNIC.
WE EXPECT APHRODITE'S
MATE TO CARRY ON MY WORK,
LIVE AS WE DO, WORK
IN THE ACROBATIC ACT.
NOW THAT YOU'VE CHOSEN
HER AND SHE'S CHOSEN YOU,
WE MUST GET STARTED
BUILDING YOU UP.
WHY, IN ONE WEEK,
YOU'LL BE A DIFFERENT BOY.
- I JUST REMEMBERED,
SIR. THIS IS A SCHOOL NIGHT.
I'LL SEE YOU ALL LATER.
WAIT, WAIT, FELLAS!
FELLAS, PUT ME DOWN!
LOOK, I HAVE TO BE GOING!
PUT ME DOWN, FELLAS!
- I PROMISED YOU THAT IN A
WEEK, YOU'D BE A DIFFERENT BOY.
- I AM, I AM.
- EVEN HIS HAIR SEEMS WEAK!
YOU THINK IT'LL EVER
BE AS LONG AS OURS?
- YOU WANT MY HAIR
TO BE LIKE YOURS?
- NATURALLY, SON.
- WHAT'LL DAD SAY?
YOU MIGHT JUST AS
WELL GIVE UP ON ME, SIR.
I GUESS I'M JUST A NATURAL-BORN
90-POUND WEAKLING.
I GUESS THE BULLIES WILL
ALWAYS KICK SAND IN MY FACE.
I'LL JUST HAVE TO STAY AWAY
FROM THE BEACH AND PRETTY GIRLS.
- NONSENSE!
THAT ONLY MEANS THAT YOU'LL
HAVE TO WORK HARDER NEXT WEEK!
♪ DOBIE ♪
- MY NAME'S DOBIE
GILLIS. I'M NOT HAPPY.
I ALWAYS WANTED A SUPERIOR GIRL,
BUT I DIDN'T WANT ONE WHO
WAS SO SUPERIOR TO ME.
THAT'S THE TROUBLE. APHRODITE
MAKES ME FEEL WEAK AND STUPID.
AND THE REASON SHE MAKES
ME FEEL WEAK AND STUPID
IS BECAUSE OF TWO
OF MY BIGGEST FAULTS.
I'M WEAK AND I'M STUPID.
ALSO, I CAN'T KEEP
MY MOUTH SHUT.
NOT THAT I ACTUALLY
PROPOSED TO HER.
I TOLD HER I'D ADORE HER
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
THAT HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH MARRIAGE.
I'M NOT FICKLE. I
STILL LOVE APHRODITE.
I JUST WISH I'D
NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.
- OH, YOU'RE COMING
ALONG FINE, MY SON.
ANOTHER HALF-HOUR OF THIS
AND WE'LL HAVE THOSE SODAS
AND MALTS SWEATED OUT OF YOU.
YES, SIR.
MY DAUGHTER,
AFTER ALL, HE'S WEAK.
- I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I LOVE HIM.
BUT HE'S SO WEAK.
DO YOU THINK WE'LL
EVER BUILD HIM UP?
- NOW THAT'S WHAT'S
BOTHERED ME TOO.
YOU KNOW THE
IMPORTANCE OF BLOOD LINES.
I'VE DECIDED TO
CHECK ON HIS FATHER.
- FATHER, PLEASE
DON'T DO ANYTHING
THAT MIGHT COME
BETWEEN DOBIE AND ME.
- NOW, NOW, HIS
FATHER HAS A GROCERY.
I CAN CHECK ON HIM WHILE
HE'S MAKING A DELIVERY HERE.
HE WON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM.
- SIX QUARTS OF YOGURT? YEAH.
DOZEN BUNCHES OF
CARROTS, SAME OF CELERY,
SIX QUARTS OF
BLACKSTRAP MOLASSES?
OKAY, OKAY, YOU GOT IT.
SOME KIND OF A NUT.
- A HUNGRY NUT ANYWAY.
- HEY, THIS IS GOING OUT
ON CEDAR LAKE ROAD.
WHY DON'T YOU JUMP IN THE TRUCK
AND I'LL DROP YOU
OFF AT THE DEPOT?
- I ALREADY CALLED A CAB
AND THAT IS PROBABLY IT.
I'LL CALL YOU FROM
MOTHER'S WHEN I GET THERE.
AND I'LL TELL HER
YOU SENT YOUR LOVE.
- SURE. WHAT DO I
CARE IF YOU LIE TO HER?
[ LAUGHS ]
[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]
- NOW YOU GO KEEP DOBIE
BUSY AND DON'T WORRY.
I WON'T LET HIS FATHER
SUSPECT A THING.
- YOUR GROCERY ORDER, MA'AM?
- LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.
- HUH?
- MERELY A GENERAL
COMMENT ON HEREDITY.
- OH, WELL, CAN I PUT
THESE DOWN SOMEPLACE?
- ON THE TABLE.
- I'M SORRY I'M A LITTLE LATE,
BUT I COULDN'T DELIVER THEM
TILL AFTER I CLOSED THE STORE.
YOU SEE, MY WIFE'S OUT OF
TOWN VISITING HER MOTHER
AND THERE WAS NOBODY
TO TAKE CARE OF THE PLACE.
ORDINARILY, I MAKE
DELIVERIES, ZIP, JUST LIKE THIS.
DO YOU EAT THIS STUFF?
- WHY, YES.
- LIVE HERE?
- YES, WE LIVE A SIMPLE LIFE,
EAT SIMPLE FOOD,
SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.
- WELL, EVERYBODY
TO THEIR OWN TASTE.
THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.
- FINE. JUST TO SET YOU
RIGHT ON A POINT, MR...
- GILLIS, HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- MY NAME IS MILLICAN.
HOW DO YOU DO?
HOW DO YOU DO?
- OH, I DO ALL RIGHT
AND I CAN TAKE PRETTY
GOOD CARE OF MYSELF TOO.
THAT'LL BE 10.42, HUH?
- ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU ARE.
OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON.
- HEY, WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING THERE?
- I WAS JUST FEELING THE
TONE OF YOUR LEG MUSCLE.
NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
- MY LEG?
- DON'T BE SO SHY.
- LOOK, I'M A HAPPILY
MARRIED MAN!
- SHYNESS RUNS IN FAMILIES.
- HUH?
- OH, JUST ANOTHER
COMMENT ON HEREDITY.
I'M INTERESTED IN
HEREDITY AND HEALTH.
TELL ME, YOUR PARENTS LIVING?
- LOOK, LADY, $10.42,
THAT'S ALL. 10.42.
- OF COURSE, BUT WHY CAN'T
YOU SATISFY MY CURIOSITY?
- OKAY, SO BOTH MY
PARENTS ARE STILL LIVING
AND MY GRANDFATHER
ON MY FATHER'S SIDE
DIED AT THE AGE OF
86 IN PERFECT HEALTH!
BOY, YOU'RE A NOSY
OLD DAME, YOU KNOW?
- DIED IN PERFECT HEALTH?
- YEAH, HE WAS CHASING A FLY
AND HE GOT OUT INTO THE STREET
AND WAS RUN OVER BY A STREETCAR.
- WONDERFUL! PLAYED
BASEBALL AT THE AGE OF 86!
- I DID NOT SAY HE WAS
CHASING A FLY BALL.
I SAID HE WAS CHASING A FLY.
IT LIT ON HIM IN THE HOUSE
AND THAT MADE HIM MAD
AND HE CHASED IT
OUT INTO THE STREET
BECAUSE WHEN HE
GOT MAD AT SOMETHING,
HE STOPPED AT NOTHING.
AND SPEAKING OF HEREDITY,
THAT'S ONE THING I INHERITED
FROM MY GRANDFATHER
AND I'M MAD NOW! SO
COME UP WITH THE $10.42!
- SURE! THERE YOU ARE,
AND YOU DO HAVE
A SPLENDID SPIRIT!
- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, LADY?
ARE YOU SOME KIND OF
A NUT OR SOMETHING?
GETTING ME IN HERE
AND ASKING ME QUESTIONS
ABOUT MY WIFE BEING OUT OF TOWN?
- I DIDN'T ASK YOU
ABOUT YOUR WIFE.
YOU TOLD ME! YOU SAID SHE
WAS VISITING HER MOTHER!
- OH, AND YOU
HEARD ABOUT IT, HUH?
- OH, MR. GILLIS,
I'M AFRAID I'VE GONE
ABOUT THIS ALL WRONG.
DOBIE SAID...
- DOBIE?
- YOUR SON, DOBIE!
- DOBIE? WHAT DO
YOU MEAN, DOBIE?
- SOMEBODY CALL ME?
- SO THAT'S WHY
YOU ATE THE CARROT.
OH, A WHOLE NEST OF THEM!
- DAD, WHAT HAPPENED WAS...
- YOU WERE BORN,
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!
MY OWN BOY, MY OWN SON!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
DRESSED IN A THING LIKE THAT?
- MR. GILLIS, THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG.
IT'S MERELY A
COMFORTABLE GARMENT.
- FOR WHAT?
- WHY DON'T YOU
STEP INTO THE NEXT
ROOM AND TRY ONE ON?
- I WILL NOT!
- JUST WHILE YOU CALM DOWN.
- WATCH IT, BOYS. I USED
TO DO A LITTLE BOXING!
- NOW, NOW, CALM, MR. GILLIS.
MIGHT AS WELL TRY ONE
ON SINCE YOU'RE GOING TO BE
PRACTICALLY A
PART OF THE FAMILY.
- PART OF WHAT FAMILY?
- OUR FAMILY, BY
MARRIAGE AT LEAST.
YOUR SON DOBIE AND
MY DAUGHTER APHRODITE.
- HIM? MARRIAGE?
MARRIAGE? HIM?
- WHY, CERTAINLY.
- I GOTTA KILL THAT
BOY. I JUST GOT TO.
- MR. GILLIS, THE CHILDREN
HAVE CHOSEN EACH OTHER.
WE'RE TRAINING DOBIE
TO BECOME A MILLICAN,
A MEMBER OF OUR
ACROBATIC TROUPE.
- LOOK, I'M GETTING OUTTA HERE
AND NOBODY'S GONNA STOP ME.
AND WHEN I GET OUT,
I'M CALLING THE COPS
AND HAVING THIS PLACE RAIDED!
NO, I WON'T CALL THE
COPS! I'LL CALL THE FBI!
I GOT FRIENDS IN HIGH
PLACES! I'M A VETERAN!
- OH, DOBIE, I'M SORRY
IT TURNED OUT THIS WAY.
IT'S JUST, WELL,
YOU WERE SO WEAK,
WE HAD TO FIND OUT
ABOUT YOUR FATHER.
- WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.
SIR, I THINK YOU'D
BETTER LET HIM GO
AND I THINK I'D
BETTER GO WITH HIM.
IT'LL BE AWFUL WHEN I GET HOME,
BUT I THINK I'M GETTING A LITTLE
TIRED OF NUTS AND BERRIES
AND I'M GETTING
TIRED OF THIS TUNIC.
AND I KNOW I'M TIRED OF
TRAINING. I'M JUST TIRED.
- SPLENDID, SON!
THAT MEANS YOU'RE GETTING
CLOSE TO YOUR SECOND WIND!
- ALL RIGHT, OKAY! OKAY!
BUT I CAN STILL LICK YOU!
OH, AND YOU. YOU'RE
INTERESTED IN HEREDITY, HUH?
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING ABOUT HEREDITY.
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF
BACKWARDS HEREDITY?
WELL, HEREDITY
BACKS UP SOMETIMES
AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.
I GOT ME A CUCKOO SON
AND HEREDITY BACKED UP
ON ME AND NOW I'M CUCKOO.
OTHERWISE, I WOULDN'T BE
HERE PUTTING UP WITH ALL THIS!
WELL, I'M GETTING OUT
OF HERE RIGHT NOW
AND YOU ARE NOT COMING WITH ME!
YOU BEEN RUNNING AROUND FOR
THE PAST TWO OR THREE YEARS
LIKE SOME SORT
OF A LOVESICK NUT!
WELL, YOU BELONG IN A
CUCKOO'S NEST LIKE THIS!
YOU STILL OWE ME
42 CENTS! ACROBATS!
- DAD!
- YOU MADE YOUR FLOOR!
NOW LAY ON IT!
- MAYBE WE CAN MAKE SOMETHING
OUT OF YOU YET, BROTHER.
- NOW WE'RE REALLY GONNA
GET TO WORK, BROTHER.
- I'LL LAY OUT A
24-HOUR-A-DAY SCHEDULE.
YOU CAN LIVE HERE WITH US.
- OH, DOBIE, YOU'RE
MINE! ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
- HEY, MAN, I JUST WIGGED
ONE. I GOT ME A BULB.
- HUH?
- A BULB? THE LIGHT?
I GOT, LIKE, A SWINGING IDEA
HOW TO GET APHRODITE
TO SEND YOU TO QUIT CITY.
- YEAH?
- YEAH.
- I JUST REMEMBERED
YOUR LAST IDEA.
- OH, DIG THIS, GOOD BUDDY.
APHRODITE LOVES YOU
AND WHAT DOES SHE HATE?
- WHAT?
- ME.
- YEAH.
- SO I'LL FALL BY HER PEN
AND TELL HER THAT
IF SHE MARRIES YOU,
SHE GETS ME TOO. YOU AND ME,
WE'RE SO BUDDY-BUDDY,
I GOT TO GO RIDE ALONG.
I'LL LAY IT ON BIG.
PLEASE, APHRODITE, DON'T SAY NO.
IT WON'T DO ANY GOOD. I'M
GOING WITH YOU ANYWAY.
ME AND OLD DOBE ARE
SUCH BUDDY-BUDDIES
I'D BE LOST WITHOUT HIM.
I GOTTA GO ALONG, I GOTTA.
DON'T LEAVE ME
BEHIND! DON'T LEAVE ME!
OH, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!
- SHE DESPISES
YOU. IT MIGHT WORK.
LISTEN, I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE AT HER BARN AT 8:00.
YOU GOTTA FIX IT BEFORE THEN
OR SHE'LL COME
AND DRAG ME THERE.
- OKAY. WAIT HERE.
I'LL PHONE YOU
AS SOON AS I GET YOU OUT OF IT.
- YEAH.
OH, BEFORE 8:00!
- FOR THE LAST TIME,
THE CLOCK'S NOT WRONG.
FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE'S
NO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS.
IT'S 8:00!
FOR THE LAST TIME,
THERE'S BEEN NO
PHONE CALLS FOR YOU.
YOU'VE BEEN HERE ALL
THE TIME. NO PHONE CALLS.
IT'S 8:00!
- YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.
- DOBIE!
- YEAH.
- DOBIE, THERE'S
SOMETHING I MUST TELL YOU.
I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO TELL
YOU THE TRUTH FEARLESSLY,
DIRECTLY, HONESTLY. OH, DOBIE!
- OW! OW! WATCH THAT!
- DOBIE, YOU MUST PUT
ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
- YES, YES, ANYTHING... HUH?
- YOU MUST! YOU MUST!
- OH, I WILL! I WILL!
- STEEL YOURSELF.
- I'M STEEL, I'M STEEL!
- OH, I'M SORRY,
DEAR, DEAR DOBIE.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU
BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HELPLESS,
SO SHY.
- YEAH.
- BUT NOW THERE'S ONE
WHO NEEDS ME MORE,
SOMEONE SHYER, MORE HELPLESS.
OH, MAYNARD! POOR,
HELPLESS MAYNARD!
- FOR GAUCHE SAKES!
- HI, MAYNARD.
- OH, HI.
- HOW YOU GETTING
ALONG WITH APHRODITE?
- OH, SHE'S A WONDERFUL GIRL.
I MEAN, SHE'S SMART AND
STRONG AND LOYAL AND TRUE.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- AND SHE'S NO EXPENSE AT ALL.
- ALL FREE.
- AND SHE SPEAKS
SEVEN LANGUAGES!
- CHINESE.
- AND SHE PLAYS EVERY
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT THERE IS!
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- DOBIE?
- YEAH?
- YOU WANT HER BACK?
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪