The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Suburbia Affair - full transcript
UNCLE and Thrush have tracked a scientist, missing for 10 years, to a suburban community.
Welcome to Peaceful Haven Estates,
gentlemen.
Far from the madding crowds
and hectic pace of modem life...
...Peaceful Haven Estates offers you
the ultimate in suburban living.
To quote
from our Illustrated Brochure Number 3:
“Peaceful Haven Estates
are an adventure in serenity.“
- Did you say Number 3?
- It's also in 1, 2 and 4.
Oh, yeah, I see.
This is one of our more popular models.
Spacious, airy, easy to keep clean.
Just the thing for two bachelors
looking for...
Uh, serenity.
Yes, you'll like that. It's my own idea.
- Would you like one?
- No, no, no.
- Oh, go ahead.
- No, I don't read when I'm driving.
[CHUCKLES]
Believe me, gentlemen,
you will never regret having--
Having rented a home
in Peaceful Haven Estates.
Uh, to quote from Brochure Number 2:
“Every house is a palace
and every resident a king.“
Good day, gentlemen.
Hello. I'm your milkman.
Purple Valley Daily.
Uh, we don't drink milk.
You don't drink milk?
Everybody drinks milk.
It's the American beverage.
- Thanks you, no.
- Don't be, uh, unpatriotic.
- How much?
- Oh, it's free of charge.
That's our welcome quart.
Say, how about
some nice cottage cheese?
No, no, thanks, we'll skip
the cottage cheese. Thank you.
Okay, would you like me
to put you down on my regular route?
- We'll let you know.
- Okay. And welcome to Peaceful Haven.
Better call headquarters.
Maybe I can find out
what I'm doing here.
[SOLO SIGHS]
Open Channel D.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Yes, Mr. Solo.
Well, we are officially established
in suburbia, sir.
- Good. Any sign of Thrush?
- Hm, not yet, no.
Uh, you'd better be prepared for the fact
that Thrush may be in the vicinity.
Won't take them lung tn pick up--
Mr. Solo?
[EXPLOSIONS OVER RADIO]
Mr. Solo.
[ILLYA GROANS]
WAVERLY:
Mr- Sofa? Mr- Sofa.
I'm glad that we didn't take
the cottage cheese.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Now.
[SOLO SIGHS]
Glad to see you maintaining security,
Mr. Solo.
- Good afternoon, Mr. Kuryakin.
- Good afternoon, sir.
In view of what happened
a little while ago.
Oh, yes.
I hope that little incident doesn't make you
too distrustful of your neighbors.
After all, I mean, it's essential that you
establish friendly relations with them.
Of course. Between explosions.
There's a whole pile of glass
right over there.
[SOLO SIGHS]
After all, maintaining friendly relations
with the neighbors...
...will help you in your search
for Dr. Rutter.
Uh, you gentlemen have both
been through this, but it's new to me.
Who is Dr. Rutter,
and why did he disappear?
He's a Danish scientist and he
disappeared about, uh, 10 years ago...
...apparently of his own free will.
Just when he had almost completed
a revolutionary formula...
...in the field of antimatter.
Almost? 01 did he?
Oh, I think he did.
Then retired from the world of science
when he feared the consequences.
At least, that's the assumption
Thrush is under.
Yes. Well, Dr. Rutter's formula
would give Thrush more power...
...than an entire arsenal
of atomic weapons.
Which is precisely why you two fellows
must find Dr. Flutter before they do.
- Is there a picture of him?
- Yes.
Age 4 and a half.
Then what do we have to go on?
Well, for one thing, we know he's here.
He sent a letter to a colleague in Vienna
and had it postmarked Peaceful Haven.
Also, we know he suffers from a disease
called Humboldt's Syndrome...
...the only treatment of which
is a drug called diamine...
...which may be of some help.
Very good, Mr. Solo.
- Some more glass here.
- Thank you.
You know, I'm genuinely sorry
we can't provide you...
...with a maid to take care of all this.
U.N.C.L.E. agents are very adaptable.
Napoleon and I have an arrangement.
He does the cleaning, I do the cooking.
Well, I had no idea Mr. Solo
was so domesticated.
Oh, yes. What are we having
for dinner tonight, Mother?
I was thinking of making a soufflé.
If you'll bring me the eggs.
How many?
ILLYA: I don't know.
I've never made a soufflé.
Well, I think I better leave, gentlemen...
...before I'm asked to stay for dinner.
Uh, Mr. Solo, I think you might try
the local drug store for diamine, will you?
- Right away, yes.
- Good.
Uh, you will make the beds before you go.
[SIGHS]
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, I'd like a bottle of ammonia, please.
Of course.
Are you, uh, new here?
Just moved in. I'm working
in the chemical plant in Vinedale.
Hm. Must be, uh, pretty interesting work.
SOLO:
Uh, actually, it's pretty dull.
Although we are working on something
in your field right now.
Really?
What's that?
SOLO: It's a new process for the
manufacture of a drug called diamine.
I don't suppose you get many calls
for that, huh?
No, never gotten any calls for it.
Must be a pretty rare drug.
I don't know. I just make it.
- How much is that?
- Thirty-nine cents.
There you go.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.
- And come back again.
- Oh, I will. Thank you.
I'll bet you will.
- Miss Witherspoon?
WITHERSPOON: Yes?
Fletcher.
That U.N.C.L.E. agent was just in here
asking questions about diamine.
I thought you ought to know.
Excellent. He'll be taken care of
in due time.
Now, Barrows,
I have warned you in the past...
...about your failure
to do your assignments properly.
But, Miss Witherspoon, I tried my best.
I'm afraid that's a poor excuse, Barrows.
We must maintain discipline.
Very well,
you may have one more chance.
You're very fortunate, Barrows...
...that I'm such a gentle
and forgiving soul.
- IIIya?
- I'm in the kitchen.
Anything interesting?
Well, here's a recipe
for a Transylvanian soufflé.
- First, we steal two chickens--
- I've heard it.
In case you're interested,
I hugged the druggist.
Where are my eggs?
Mm, I forgot.
How do you expect me
to make me a scuffle without eggs?
Relax. I'll borrow some
from one of our friendly neighbors.
Try the one that side. She's your type.
SOLO:
Hi.
- Oh, hi.
- I'm your new neighbor, uh...
Yes, I heard you'd moved in.
I'm Betsy Wilson.
Napoleon Solo.
Did you wanna borrow a cup of sugar?
Ha, ha.
Actually, you're pretty close.
- Milk?
- Eggs.
[LAUGHS]
Sure. Come on in.
[BETSY SIGHS]
Now, how many did you need?
How about four dozen?
- Will six do?
- Well, I guess so.
[BETSY LAUGHS]
- Those are nice flowers.
- Oh, thanks. They're my hobby.
Oh, yeah?
- Good evening, Betsy.
- Oh, Mr. Willoughby.
Come on in.
I've got a bone to pick with you.
- Oh, you look so pretty when you're angry.
- Now, don't change the subject.
Now, Mr. Willoughby...
...you've just got to stop coaching
my students on their arithmetic lessons.
WILLOUGHBY:
Have I done something wrong?
BETSY:
I had to give them all F's.
Ooh, that's that new math.
I just can't get it through my head.
- Oh, I'm sorry. This is Mr...?
- Napoleon Solo.
Um, Mr. Willoughby's our music teacher.
I have rented a room
right above, uh, Betsy's garage.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Solo.
If you will excuse me now,
it is my bedtime.
Well, you must be an early riser.
It's still daylight.
Yes, but you know the old saying,
Mr. Solo:
“Early to bed and early to rise is--“
What is it?
Hm, “Makes a man healthy,
wealthy and wise.“
But it isn't so.
But, of course, there's still time.
- Good night.
- Good night, Mr. Willoughby.
SOLO:
Good day.
Well.
Listen, do you know how
to make a, uh, soufflé?
Yes.
- Hm.
- Why?
I am perfectly capable
of making a simple souffle.
But you don't look nearly
as good in an apron.
Oh.
Tell us a little more
about Mr. Willoughby, Betsy.
Ah, he's a dear old man.
His Danish name is Wilhelmboegh...
...but no one
could pronounce it properly so...
Oh, this is the wrong spoon.
Oh, it's because, ahem.
you're working in the dark.
Put some lights on.
I don't know why,
but I just hate it when the lights go on.
Well, maybe, when you were little kid
that's when you had to go to bed...
...like Wilhelmboegh.
No, it's only recently I--
Oh. Now, I've dropped it.
Allow me.
- Let go of me.
- What?
What am I doing here?
- Get your hands off me.
- What's the matter with you?
Will you keep away from me?
Keep away from me.
Don't you touch me
and just leave me alone.
Get your hands off of me.
I'll scream. Aah!
[BETSY SCREAMING DOWNSTAIRS]
Now, easy. We're only trying 10--
- Let me go!
- Maybe we should call a doctor?
Look, I think we ought
to get her home first.
Because, as it is.
we're in a rather compromising situation.
Now, you'll be all right. Just relax.
[BETSY PANTING]
Relax.
We'll have you home in just a minute.
My goodness. What has happened?
What am I doing?
Betsy, Betsy, what is happening?
What are they doing to you?
I don't know, Mr. Willoughby.
Oh, I don't know what possessed me.
I just bent over
to help her pick up a spoon.
Yes, that's all he was doing, really.
Well, the whole community is jittering.
Uh, tempers are flaring.
People are out of control.
You mean this is not normal
for suburbia living, huh?
Mr. Solo, have you read the brochures?
Oh, I am awfully sorry.
Oh, I hope you'll forgive me.
We'll forgive you
if you'll have dinner with us at a restaurant.
Well, I can't.
There's a meeting at the school tonight.
Well, as a matter of fact,
it's about this very thing.
Why our nerves are so on edge lately.
Well, it could be anything
from air pollution to Martians.
- Would you like to come?
- Yeah, we'd love to.
As a matter of fact,
you should too, Mr. Willoughby.
WILLOUGHBY: All right.
BETSY: It's your civic duty.
Uh, you mean my civic punishment
for making your pupils fail in math.
Oh.
Well, give me a few minutes
and I'll join you, okay?
I'll be ready in a jiffy.
- You had to have a soufflé.
- You had to forget the eggs.
I had a few other things on my mind.
Which I'm sure you bungled
in your usual manner.
Now, wait" Wait a minute.
Wait a minute now.
We're doing it too.
- What do you mean “we're doing it“?
- We're starting to act just like Betsy did.
Hm?
[CROWD CHATTERING]
Please, please allow me to repeat.
The Board of Health assures me
there's nothing wrong with our water...
...our milk, our feed, our climate.
Perhaps it is a wind,
like the foehn from Bavaria.
[ILLYA CHUCKLES]
There are no depressing winds
in Peaceful Haven Estates.
Well, I'm listening to one right now.
[CROWD ARGUING]
I didn't notice any of this
in the brochures.
- Do you have to be so sarcastic?
- He's always sarcastic.
You're just rankled about the soufflé,
aren't you?
We all seem to be a little rankled,
don't we?
There's nothing wrong with the water--
You may find it very amusing
to drive people to distraction, Jonathan...
...but what good is it accomplishing
if we can't find Lyman Rutter?
But I've explained, Miss Witherspoon--
Yes, yes, I know
about Humboldt's Syndrome and diamine.
Can we be sure our present methods
will produce the attack?
Well, you're watching symptoms that
we produce in so-called normal people...
...all comparatively harmless, of course.
But, well, in a man suffering
from Humboldt's Syndrome...
...it could prove fatal.
Well, he'd have to try
and get the medicine somehow.
And when he does, we've got him.
I do hope so.
Until now, I haven't had
to discipline you, Jonathan...
...but there is a first time.
MAN 1 [ON TV]: Peaceful
Haven Estates is an ideal place to live!
MAN 2:
Sure it is, if you're a squirrel.
Excuse me, Betsy. I think I'd better go now.
I don't feel too well.
- Well, do you want me to go with you?
- No, thank you. That won't be necessary.
Rats. Rats deserting a ship.
We must all stand together
or we'll hang separately.
We must make Peaceful Haven
peaceful again.
MAN:
I'm sick and tired of your talk.
There they are.
Those two U.N.C.L.E. agents.
Barrows.
Yes, Miss Witherspoon?
That one more chance I said I'd give you,
you shall have it tomorrow morning.
I want those U.N.C.L.E. agents
out of the neighborhood.
Don't worry, Miss Witherspoon,
they?! be way out.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Breadman.
Breadman.
One loaf of raisin rye.
- I don't like raisin rye.
- You order raisin rye, you get raisin rye.
I didn't order raisin rye.
- What did you order?
- Nothing.
Nothing.
- Is this 19319 Cranberry Street?
- Yes.
Then you ordered raisin rye.
[SIGHS]
SOLO:
You making bread pudding?
Remember the milk?
[SOLO GROANS]
This is supposed to be a loaf of raisin rye.
I never even heard of raisin rye.
- What are you doing?
- I ordered it.
Would you mind ordering me another loaf?
Purple Valley Bakery.
Oh, thank you, Betsy.
Let me call a doctor, Mr. Willoughby.
Mm. That won't be necessary, no.
But you look much worse today
than you did last night.
Oh, that will pass, that will pass.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh, hello, Mr. Solo.
Oh, hi. I didn't realize you were here.
I just stopped by
to see Mr. Willoughby about, uh, music.
BETSY:
Well, I'm afraid Mr. Willoughby is--
Uh, Mr. Willoughby
will be happy to see Mr. Solo.
Come in, Mr. Solo, please.
I'm always delighted to talk about music.
[PLAYING PIANO]
Here are charms to soothe
the savage breast, eh, Mr. Solo?
Well, it depends on who's soothing,
I think.
Well, an old music teacher...
...can hardly compete
with a young math teacher, Mr. Solo.
Tell me, Mr. Willoughby.
have you always been a music teacher?
Always, always.
Hm.
As a matter of fact, I was a child prodigy.
When I was 8 years old...
-...I played my first concert in Copenhagen.
- Really?
Yes, I remember I was sitting there,
trilling away.
- People were watching and I was excited.
SOLO: Mm-hm.
I could hardly reach the pedals,
you know, with my feet.
- Interesting.
- Yes.
Those were the good old days.
Tell me, back in those good old days...
...I don't suppose you remember,
for instance, uh...
...the cube root of pi M3?
- What was that again?
- The cube root of pi M3.
Would you know who wrote it?
My favorite, Mr. Solo,
has always been “Liebestréume," by Liszt.
[PLAYING “LIEBESTRAUME'W
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Breadman.
- Raisin rye?
- Yeah.
Thank you.
[VAN ENGINE STARTS]
SOLO:
IIIya?
What happened?
Raisin rye.
Sony.
Thank you, Betsy, thank you.
Mr. Willoughby, why didn't you
want Mr. Solo to know you were sick?
Betsy, are you a very strong girl?
Because I have something terrible
to tell you about myself.
Oh, what could be so terrible
about you, Mr. Willoughby?
The police are after me.
And I think that Mr. Solo
looks like a policeman.
- What for?
- What for?
For Gretchen in Trieste...
...for Mala in Prague,
and for Susie in Red Bank, New Jersey.
Betsy...
...I'm a trigamist.
No.
Yes. Youthful indiscretions.
I'm a weak man, Betsy.
Every time I met a lovely young girl
who insisted on marrying me...
...I just couldn't resist.
Oh, how awful. Well, I guess.
I am being hunted by the police
of three countries.
Why don't you just confess?
Confess?
In Prague, trigamy is a capital crime.
I'll be hanged.
And that Mr. Solo
looks a little Czechoslovakian to me.
We", don't worry.
your three secrets are safe with me.
Thank you, Betsy.
If that is the case
I must ask you one more favor.
Of course.
Thank you.
You see, I suffer from
what they call Humboldt's Syndrome.
And the only medicine that will help me
is called diamine.
But the druggist mustn't know
that it's for me...
...because he might tell Mr. Solo
about it, you see.
Oh, well, don't worry, no one will know.
Thank you.
You are such a lovely girl, Betsy.
[CHUCKLES]
You are so kind, so sweet.
You're just the kind of girl
a man should many.
I'd better go get your prescription,
Mr. Willoughby.
Thank you.
Diamine is pretty rare drug.
Could I ask who it's for?
It's for, uh, Mr. Barkley.
FLETCHER [OVER RADIO]:
The real-estate agent?
BETSY:
Mm-hm. Uh, how much do I owe you?
FLET CHER:
Seven thirty-nine.
So you were wrong about Willoughby.
It looks like it might be
a red herring though.
I think we should put the red herring
in the barrel, just in case.
All right. You start Operation Pickup
and I'll do a little more snooping around.
It's Barkley, the real estate agent.
Are you sure?
The incidence of Humboldt's Syndrome
is one in 25 million.
Those are pretty good odds.
All right.
We shall start Operation Pickup.
This is absolutely your last chance,
Barrows.
Yes, Miss Witherspoon.
Welcome to Peaceful Haven Estates,
folks.
Far from the madding crowds
and hectic pace of modem life...
...Peaceful Haven Estates offers you
the ultimate in suburban living.
Ah, here we are.
Here you are, sir.
I like to call it an adventure in serenity.
Uh, well, we're looking for a house,
not a cemetery.
Of course, of course, of course.
And Peaceful Haven
is bursting with life and excitement.
The chirping of the birds,
the buzzing of the bees...
...and the happy children.
Children?
Remember the noisy kids
in the last place we lived?
And the happy quiet children,
tiptoeing through the tulips.
I grow tulips.
Uh, the happy, obedient children...
...who always walk on the sidewalks,
never walk on the flowers...
...happy just to run through the streets
with their puppy dogs.
Pup--? I grow tulips.
But mostly cats who always stay
in their own yard.
Small, quiet, obedient pussycats.
[TRUCK PLAYING LULLABY]
[LULLABY PLAYING OUTSIDE]
What's that?
Well, that's just an ice-cream truck
selling ice-cold happiness...
...to our quiet, obedient children.
[THUD]
What was that?
There are no earthquakes in the area.
Hello?
Hello? Who's there?
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
[LULLABY PLAYING FASTER]
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
[ALL GRUNTING]
[GUNSHOTS]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
[GUNSHOT, WOMAN SCREAMS]
- May I ask what you think you're doing?
- Lucky I came along, Dr. Rutter.
You were being kidnapped
by a very shady organization.
Oh.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[PLAYING DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
Come in.
- Ah, Mr. Solo. Do you like Chopin?
- Very much. Go ahead.
Oh, this is “The Revolutionary Etude.“
- Anything I can do for you?
- Oh, just a neighborly visit.
- Oh.
- Are you going on a concert tour?
No, I'm just airing them out.
I have a favorite waltz" I have a--
The “C Sharp Minor Waltz“
by Chopin is my favorite.
- You like that?
- Yes, go ahead.
[PLAYING “C SHARP MINOR WALTZ"]
Oh, Mr. Solo, there's a very, very interesting
original manuscript here...
...by Johann Sebastian Bach.
- You know, Bach had--
- I don't read music.
I find it also very interesting, uh...
...that a music teacher subscribes to the
International Journal of Theoretical Physics.
You know, something remarked
about this waltz here.
You have a mark here on an article
about the theory of antimatter.
Dr. Rutter.
I suppose eventually someone
would have to find me.
It might as well be you.
Do you know why I ran away?
- I think I do.
- Yes.
I knew what evil men might do
with my discovery.
For the past 10 years I have tried to
prevent other scientists from duplicating it.
The only other authority on antimatter
is the man who wrote that article.
Your colleague in Vienna
to whom you wrote several months ago.
Yes. I tried to stop him
from further research...
...but he pressed on in spite of my plea.
And, uh, his conclusion is stated
in the article in that journal.
In layman's terms?
Well, in layman's term, he concludes
that the Rutter Theory is incorrect.
That's marvelous.
But, of course, he's wrong.
My theory is quite correct.
But according to him,
all further research will cease.
It may be another 20 or 30 years
before mankind rediscovers antimatter.
By then, I hope the world will be ready
to receive it.
Which is why you feel it's safe
to leave here now.
Yes. Uh...
I now can return to the scientific community
and to other researches.
Well, I suspect that Mr. P.T. Barkley
may have a small bone to pick with you.
We", have I disturbed
his adventure in serenity?
No, but we have.
- We?
- U.N.C.L.E.
Dr. Rutter, we kidnapped Barkley
thinking it was you...
...in order to prevent
a rather unscrupulous group...
...from getting their hands on him.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Excuse me.
Solo here.
You know that wonderful scheme
we had, Napoleon?
Operation Pickup?
Well, it wasn't altogether original.
I'm in a Thrush cell...
...along with Dr. Rutter
and, uh, two rather unfortunate bystanders.
I have news for you.
Dr. Rutter is with me.
- Willoughby?
- Right. Do you know exactly where you are?
I'm afraid not.
I was unconscious when they took us,
and the others were locked in a trailer.
Right, as soon as I get Dr. Rutter
into safe hands, I'll bail you out.
I can triangulate your position
from your communicator.
Well, don't dawdle.
Thrush is liable to get nasty
when they find that Barkley...
...doesn't have the antimatter formula.
What is going to happen to those people?
First thing's first, doctor.
It's my responsibility
to get you to a safe place.
The past 10 years I have lived in oblivion
because of my concern for life.
These four people are innocent.
I won't allow it.
Open Channel D.
It must not happen.
I'm sorry, doctor, but it's my responsibility,
my job and my assignment to protect you...
...and the knowledge you possess.
Channel D?
[RADIO BEEPING]
Yes, Mr. Solo.
I've found Dr. Rutter.
The real one this time.
Uh, what about Mr. Kuryakin
and the real-estate man?
All right, I'll get to them as soon as I've put
Dr. Rutter in the hands of our agents.
Take Route A from where you are.
I'll send a car to meet you midway.
Yes, sir.
All right, Dr. Rutter, ready to go--?
[DOOR CLOSES]
- All right, they're ready for you.
- He's not Dr. Rutter.
Shut up.
Oh, I'll take this little toy.
You're making a big mistake.
He's not Dr. Rutter.
I said shut up.
He-- He-- He's right,
I'm not Dr. Rutter, whoever that is.
You're either Rutter or dead.
Make your choice.
Dr. Rutter, that can't possibly be
the antimatter formula.
Oh, you're right.
I got the last part wrong.
There.
Dr. Rutter, if you are Dr. Rutter...
...you have just written the formula
for computing the interest...
...on a 30-year mortgage.
Oh, I just can't seem to think straight.
It'll come to me.
I don't think this is Dr. Rutter.
Yes, I'm Dr. Rutter. I am. I'm Dr. Rutter.
The prescription was for him.
Has it ever occurred to you
that the girl could be covering for someone?
We'll soon find out.
- What? What are you gonna do?
- It'll be quite painless.
[BARKLEY SQUEALS]
If you are Dr. Rutter
you'll be almost dead in about five seconds.
Oh, I'm not Dr. Rutter.
I'm not Dr. Rutter. I'm not. Rutter.
He's telling the truth this time.
Anyone suffering
from Humboldt's Syndrome...
...would be writhing on the floor by now.
- Barrows, bring the girl here immediately.
- Yes, ma'am.
As for this unfortunate...
- What are you gonna do?
- Well, you're too old for a spanking.
But I'm sure to think of something.
[BARKLEY CHUCKLES]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You haven't seen Mr. Willoughby around?
- No, why?
Well, we were interrupted
in the middle of a discussion.
You'll let me know if you see him,
won't you?
- Oh, of course.
- All right.
Good. He's gone.
Betsy, I can't thank you enough.
Oh, it's perfectly all right,
Mr. Willoughby.
Well, besides...
...I don't see why I should help
the Czechoslovakian police.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
You have an appointment, Ms. Wilson,
and we provide the tree transportation.
I am the one you want.
I knew you would be coming.
I have been expecting you.
The lady's the one we want.
But I am Dr. Rutter.
Well...
Well, in that case, we'll take you along.
- You don't need her.
- I got my orders.
It's I. Leave her here.
Make a fuss
and we'll leave you hereto be buried.
That's right, officer.
[SIGHS]
No, I have not had too many martinis.
I tell you, I saw it.
He attached something to the door
and voom.
Just like in a spy movie.
I must apologize, Dr. Rutter...
...tor putting you and the other members
of this community to so much discomfort.
Amazing how a rapid variation
of alternating current cycles...
...in ordinary light bulbs
can produce irritability...
...and even violence in people.
But you were hard to find.
All right, now that you've found me
you can let the other people go.
Oh, that's already been taken care of,
doctor.
- Then, you can let Betsy go.
- Well, of course.
- Okay, Betsy--
- Barrows, take care of the young lady.
Certainly, Miss Witherspoon.
All right, Betsy, go now.
Get out of here. Yeah.
Now we can get down to business,
doctor.
You see how well we've prepared
our homework?
In 1944 you were at this point.
In 1945 you added this.
And in 1946 you were here.
And then nothing.
No, I stopped when I saw
what it was coming to.
But you did see the solution, professor.
It was in your mind and still is.
No.
I wiped it completely off my mind.
Then you must recall it, professor.
No.
No, it was too horrible.
I once set it to music
and even the music was horrible.
Interesting.
Is it possible to set equations to music?
Of course. I did it all during the war,
when everything was classified.
Top secret was in G minor, I remember.
How ingenious. Do play some for me.
We'll get a piano.
Now, A, Miss Witherspoon,
is for antimatter...
...B is for zero and C is for speed of light.
D is division, E is energy and F is, uh...
F is a little out of tune.
I understand the technique, professor.
Now, let's concentrate on your equation.
Miss Witherspoon, you underestimate me.
I'm just stalling for time
until the others are free.
I have not the slightest intention
of giving you my formula...
...now 0, ever.
[LAUGHS]
Really, doctor, you underestimate me.
[BETSY GRUNTING]
[BETSY SCREAMS]
Jonathan, demonstrate the apparatus
for the good doctor.
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
[STRIKES PIANO KEYS]
Let's get on with computations.
Now, the procedure is this.
You will repeat each binomial
as you play it...
...and I'll feed it into the computer.
The correct solution will free Betsy...
...but every incorrect binomial
will raise her temperature 2 degrees.
One moment, please.
- Give it to me again, please.
- F over D...
[PLAYING NOTES ON PIANO]
...times two.
Minus G squared into EA.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
Negative.
Gosh, that's the formula for fertilizer.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
OFFICER:
Open up, it's the police.
Door's open, Joe.
Anybody home?
There's nobody upstairs.
- Everything looks okay.
- We'd better wait, Archie.
They can't be gone for long.
They wouldn't leave the TV set on.
Whoa, what are you doing?
Oh, and you wanted to move
to the suburbs.
Ah, it's an old movie. I've seen it.
[CHUCKLES]
So you'll see it again.
These movie fights always look fake.
They got Betsy and Rutter
somewhere in this maze.
- Wait a minute. What about us?
- Just lock the door and don't let anyone in.
Yes, sir.
Hey! Let us out.
I hope this doesn't give you the wrong
impression of our friendly community.
[CHUCKLES]
- Get another channel.
- All right.
[BETSY GROANING]
Oh, there. How's that?
[PLAYING NOTES ON PIANO]
D squared B times E.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
BETSY: Unh!
- How's that for honors?
[SIGHS]
[PLAYING NOTES ON PIANO]
- Let her go!
- You're not trying.
Well, I'm out of practice.
I haven't done this for years.
That way.
A, B, A.
[PLAYING NOTES]
A, B, A, A, E, D.
[MACHINE BEEPING]
That's it! That's it, I have it!
I'm master of the world!
Let her go.
Barrows, bring the girl in here.
[MEN GRUNTING]
The computer. Destroy it.
Destroy the computer.
[GROANS]
- You must" You must destroy the computer.
- Easy.
It has my-- My formula inside it.
Your formula is in good hands new,
doctor.
Oh, mankind is not ready for it yet.
Think of the good it might do.
Think of the evil it will do.
Destroy it.
This is the request of a dying man.
From now on,
I'm gonna stick to music lessons.
Does that mean you might stay on
in Peaceful Haven?
Oh, didn't I tell you? 01 course I will.
What about your antimatter, Dr. Rutter?
Antimatter?
Funny thing about that.
Ever since they took the bullet out
of my back and I nearly died...
...something happened
to pan of my brain.
It seems that I never knew anything
about antimatter.
Oh, perhaps" Perhaps it's for the best.
SOLO:
I think we better get going.
I'm sure you're tired, and it's dinnertime.
Dinner?
May I recommend
a wonderful Danish restaurant?
Nyskov's Konditori.
They make a fine--
- Wonderful. I love Danish food.
- Oh, no.
You're not gonna weasel out of it
this time.
IIIya's going to cook for us tonight.
It's his last night in the suburbs.
I'm going to make a soufflé.
[ENGLISH SDH]
gentlemen.
Far from the madding crowds
and hectic pace of modem life...
...Peaceful Haven Estates offers you
the ultimate in suburban living.
To quote
from our Illustrated Brochure Number 3:
“Peaceful Haven Estates
are an adventure in serenity.“
- Did you say Number 3?
- It's also in 1, 2 and 4.
Oh, yeah, I see.
This is one of our more popular models.
Spacious, airy, easy to keep clean.
Just the thing for two bachelors
looking for...
Uh, serenity.
Yes, you'll like that. It's my own idea.
- Would you like one?
- No, no, no.
- Oh, go ahead.
- No, I don't read when I'm driving.
[CHUCKLES]
Believe me, gentlemen,
you will never regret having--
Having rented a home
in Peaceful Haven Estates.
Uh, to quote from Brochure Number 2:
“Every house is a palace
and every resident a king.“
Good day, gentlemen.
Hello. I'm your milkman.
Purple Valley Daily.
Uh, we don't drink milk.
You don't drink milk?
Everybody drinks milk.
It's the American beverage.
- Thanks you, no.
- Don't be, uh, unpatriotic.
- How much?
- Oh, it's free of charge.
That's our welcome quart.
Say, how about
some nice cottage cheese?
No, no, thanks, we'll skip
the cottage cheese. Thank you.
Okay, would you like me
to put you down on my regular route?
- We'll let you know.
- Okay. And welcome to Peaceful Haven.
Better call headquarters.
Maybe I can find out
what I'm doing here.
[SOLO SIGHS]
Open Channel D.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Yes, Mr. Solo.
Well, we are officially established
in suburbia, sir.
- Good. Any sign of Thrush?
- Hm, not yet, no.
Uh, you'd better be prepared for the fact
that Thrush may be in the vicinity.
Won't take them lung tn pick up--
Mr. Solo?
[EXPLOSIONS OVER RADIO]
Mr. Solo.
[ILLYA GROANS]
WAVERLY:
Mr- Sofa? Mr- Sofa.
I'm glad that we didn't take
the cottage cheese.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Now.
[SOLO SIGHS]
Glad to see you maintaining security,
Mr. Solo.
- Good afternoon, Mr. Kuryakin.
- Good afternoon, sir.
In view of what happened
a little while ago.
Oh, yes.
I hope that little incident doesn't make you
too distrustful of your neighbors.
After all, I mean, it's essential that you
establish friendly relations with them.
Of course. Between explosions.
There's a whole pile of glass
right over there.
[SOLO SIGHS]
After all, maintaining friendly relations
with the neighbors...
...will help you in your search
for Dr. Rutter.
Uh, you gentlemen have both
been through this, but it's new to me.
Who is Dr. Rutter,
and why did he disappear?
He's a Danish scientist and he
disappeared about, uh, 10 years ago...
...apparently of his own free will.
Just when he had almost completed
a revolutionary formula...
...in the field of antimatter.
Almost? 01 did he?
Oh, I think he did.
Then retired from the world of science
when he feared the consequences.
At least, that's the assumption
Thrush is under.
Yes. Well, Dr. Rutter's formula
would give Thrush more power...
...than an entire arsenal
of atomic weapons.
Which is precisely why you two fellows
must find Dr. Flutter before they do.
- Is there a picture of him?
- Yes.
Age 4 and a half.
Then what do we have to go on?
Well, for one thing, we know he's here.
He sent a letter to a colleague in Vienna
and had it postmarked Peaceful Haven.
Also, we know he suffers from a disease
called Humboldt's Syndrome...
...the only treatment of which
is a drug called diamine...
...which may be of some help.
Very good, Mr. Solo.
- Some more glass here.
- Thank you.
You know, I'm genuinely sorry
we can't provide you...
...with a maid to take care of all this.
U.N.C.L.E. agents are very adaptable.
Napoleon and I have an arrangement.
He does the cleaning, I do the cooking.
Well, I had no idea Mr. Solo
was so domesticated.
Oh, yes. What are we having
for dinner tonight, Mother?
I was thinking of making a soufflé.
If you'll bring me the eggs.
How many?
ILLYA: I don't know.
I've never made a soufflé.
Well, I think I better leave, gentlemen...
...before I'm asked to stay for dinner.
Uh, Mr. Solo, I think you might try
the local drug store for diamine, will you?
- Right away, yes.
- Good.
Uh, you will make the beds before you go.
[SIGHS]
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, I'd like a bottle of ammonia, please.
Of course.
Are you, uh, new here?
Just moved in. I'm working
in the chemical plant in Vinedale.
Hm. Must be, uh, pretty interesting work.
SOLO:
Uh, actually, it's pretty dull.
Although we are working on something
in your field right now.
Really?
What's that?
SOLO: It's a new process for the
manufacture of a drug called diamine.
I don't suppose you get many calls
for that, huh?
No, never gotten any calls for it.
Must be a pretty rare drug.
I don't know. I just make it.
- How much is that?
- Thirty-nine cents.
There you go.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.
- And come back again.
- Oh, I will. Thank you.
I'll bet you will.
- Miss Witherspoon?
WITHERSPOON: Yes?
Fletcher.
That U.N.C.L.E. agent was just in here
asking questions about diamine.
I thought you ought to know.
Excellent. He'll be taken care of
in due time.
Now, Barrows,
I have warned you in the past...
...about your failure
to do your assignments properly.
But, Miss Witherspoon, I tried my best.
I'm afraid that's a poor excuse, Barrows.
We must maintain discipline.
Very well,
you may have one more chance.
You're very fortunate, Barrows...
...that I'm such a gentle
and forgiving soul.
- IIIya?
- I'm in the kitchen.
Anything interesting?
Well, here's a recipe
for a Transylvanian soufflé.
- First, we steal two chickens--
- I've heard it.
In case you're interested,
I hugged the druggist.
Where are my eggs?
Mm, I forgot.
How do you expect me
to make me a scuffle without eggs?
Relax. I'll borrow some
from one of our friendly neighbors.
Try the one that side. She's your type.
SOLO:
Hi.
- Oh, hi.
- I'm your new neighbor, uh...
Yes, I heard you'd moved in.
I'm Betsy Wilson.
Napoleon Solo.
Did you wanna borrow a cup of sugar?
Ha, ha.
Actually, you're pretty close.
- Milk?
- Eggs.
[LAUGHS]
Sure. Come on in.
[BETSY SIGHS]
Now, how many did you need?
How about four dozen?
- Will six do?
- Well, I guess so.
[BETSY LAUGHS]
- Those are nice flowers.
- Oh, thanks. They're my hobby.
Oh, yeah?
- Good evening, Betsy.
- Oh, Mr. Willoughby.
Come on in.
I've got a bone to pick with you.
- Oh, you look so pretty when you're angry.
- Now, don't change the subject.
Now, Mr. Willoughby...
...you've just got to stop coaching
my students on their arithmetic lessons.
WILLOUGHBY:
Have I done something wrong?
BETSY:
I had to give them all F's.
Ooh, that's that new math.
I just can't get it through my head.
- Oh, I'm sorry. This is Mr...?
- Napoleon Solo.
Um, Mr. Willoughby's our music teacher.
I have rented a room
right above, uh, Betsy's garage.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Solo.
If you will excuse me now,
it is my bedtime.
Well, you must be an early riser.
It's still daylight.
Yes, but you know the old saying,
Mr. Solo:
“Early to bed and early to rise is--“
What is it?
Hm, “Makes a man healthy,
wealthy and wise.“
But it isn't so.
But, of course, there's still time.
- Good night.
- Good night, Mr. Willoughby.
SOLO:
Good day.
Well.
Listen, do you know how
to make a, uh, soufflé?
Yes.
- Hm.
- Why?
I am perfectly capable
of making a simple souffle.
But you don't look nearly
as good in an apron.
Oh.
Tell us a little more
about Mr. Willoughby, Betsy.
Ah, he's a dear old man.
His Danish name is Wilhelmboegh...
...but no one
could pronounce it properly so...
Oh, this is the wrong spoon.
Oh, it's because, ahem.
you're working in the dark.
Put some lights on.
I don't know why,
but I just hate it when the lights go on.
Well, maybe, when you were little kid
that's when you had to go to bed...
...like Wilhelmboegh.
No, it's only recently I--
Oh. Now, I've dropped it.
Allow me.
- Let go of me.
- What?
What am I doing here?
- Get your hands off me.
- What's the matter with you?
Will you keep away from me?
Keep away from me.
Don't you touch me
and just leave me alone.
Get your hands off of me.
I'll scream. Aah!
[BETSY SCREAMING DOWNSTAIRS]
Now, easy. We're only trying 10--
- Let me go!
- Maybe we should call a doctor?
Look, I think we ought
to get her home first.
Because, as it is.
we're in a rather compromising situation.
Now, you'll be all right. Just relax.
[BETSY PANTING]
Relax.
We'll have you home in just a minute.
My goodness. What has happened?
What am I doing?
Betsy, Betsy, what is happening?
What are they doing to you?
I don't know, Mr. Willoughby.
Oh, I don't know what possessed me.
I just bent over
to help her pick up a spoon.
Yes, that's all he was doing, really.
Well, the whole community is jittering.
Uh, tempers are flaring.
People are out of control.
You mean this is not normal
for suburbia living, huh?
Mr. Solo, have you read the brochures?
Oh, I am awfully sorry.
Oh, I hope you'll forgive me.
We'll forgive you
if you'll have dinner with us at a restaurant.
Well, I can't.
There's a meeting at the school tonight.
Well, as a matter of fact,
it's about this very thing.
Why our nerves are so on edge lately.
Well, it could be anything
from air pollution to Martians.
- Would you like to come?
- Yeah, we'd love to.
As a matter of fact,
you should too, Mr. Willoughby.
WILLOUGHBY: All right.
BETSY: It's your civic duty.
Uh, you mean my civic punishment
for making your pupils fail in math.
Oh.
Well, give me a few minutes
and I'll join you, okay?
I'll be ready in a jiffy.
- You had to have a soufflé.
- You had to forget the eggs.
I had a few other things on my mind.
Which I'm sure you bungled
in your usual manner.
Now, wait" Wait a minute.
Wait a minute now.
We're doing it too.
- What do you mean “we're doing it“?
- We're starting to act just like Betsy did.
Hm?
[CROWD CHATTERING]
Please, please allow me to repeat.
The Board of Health assures me
there's nothing wrong with our water...
...our milk, our feed, our climate.
Perhaps it is a wind,
like the foehn from Bavaria.
[ILLYA CHUCKLES]
There are no depressing winds
in Peaceful Haven Estates.
Well, I'm listening to one right now.
[CROWD ARGUING]
I didn't notice any of this
in the brochures.
- Do you have to be so sarcastic?
- He's always sarcastic.
You're just rankled about the soufflé,
aren't you?
We all seem to be a little rankled,
don't we?
There's nothing wrong with the water--
You may find it very amusing
to drive people to distraction, Jonathan...
...but what good is it accomplishing
if we can't find Lyman Rutter?
But I've explained, Miss Witherspoon--
Yes, yes, I know
about Humboldt's Syndrome and diamine.
Can we be sure our present methods
will produce the attack?
Well, you're watching symptoms that
we produce in so-called normal people...
...all comparatively harmless, of course.
But, well, in a man suffering
from Humboldt's Syndrome...
...it could prove fatal.
Well, he'd have to try
and get the medicine somehow.
And when he does, we've got him.
I do hope so.
Until now, I haven't had
to discipline you, Jonathan...
...but there is a first time.
MAN 1 [ON TV]: Peaceful
Haven Estates is an ideal place to live!
MAN 2:
Sure it is, if you're a squirrel.
Excuse me, Betsy. I think I'd better go now.
I don't feel too well.
- Well, do you want me to go with you?
- No, thank you. That won't be necessary.
Rats. Rats deserting a ship.
We must all stand together
or we'll hang separately.
We must make Peaceful Haven
peaceful again.
MAN:
I'm sick and tired of your talk.
There they are.
Those two U.N.C.L.E. agents.
Barrows.
Yes, Miss Witherspoon?
That one more chance I said I'd give you,
you shall have it tomorrow morning.
I want those U.N.C.L.E. agents
out of the neighborhood.
Don't worry, Miss Witherspoon,
they?! be way out.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Breadman.
Breadman.
One loaf of raisin rye.
- I don't like raisin rye.
- You order raisin rye, you get raisin rye.
I didn't order raisin rye.
- What did you order?
- Nothing.
Nothing.
- Is this 19319 Cranberry Street?
- Yes.
Then you ordered raisin rye.
[SIGHS]
SOLO:
You making bread pudding?
Remember the milk?
[SOLO GROANS]
This is supposed to be a loaf of raisin rye.
I never even heard of raisin rye.
- What are you doing?
- I ordered it.
Would you mind ordering me another loaf?
Purple Valley Bakery.
Oh, thank you, Betsy.
Let me call a doctor, Mr. Willoughby.
Mm. That won't be necessary, no.
But you look much worse today
than you did last night.
Oh, that will pass, that will pass.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh, hello, Mr. Solo.
Oh, hi. I didn't realize you were here.
I just stopped by
to see Mr. Willoughby about, uh, music.
BETSY:
Well, I'm afraid Mr. Willoughby is--
Uh, Mr. Willoughby
will be happy to see Mr. Solo.
Come in, Mr. Solo, please.
I'm always delighted to talk about music.
[PLAYING PIANO]
Here are charms to soothe
the savage breast, eh, Mr. Solo?
Well, it depends on who's soothing,
I think.
Well, an old music teacher...
...can hardly compete
with a young math teacher, Mr. Solo.
Tell me, Mr. Willoughby.
have you always been a music teacher?
Always, always.
Hm.
As a matter of fact, I was a child prodigy.
When I was 8 years old...
-...I played my first concert in Copenhagen.
- Really?
Yes, I remember I was sitting there,
trilling away.
- People were watching and I was excited.
SOLO: Mm-hm.
I could hardly reach the pedals,
you know, with my feet.
- Interesting.
- Yes.
Those were the good old days.
Tell me, back in those good old days...
...I don't suppose you remember,
for instance, uh...
...the cube root of pi M3?
- What was that again?
- The cube root of pi M3.
Would you know who wrote it?
My favorite, Mr. Solo,
has always been “Liebestréume," by Liszt.
[PLAYING “LIEBESTRAUME'W
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Breadman.
- Raisin rye?
- Yeah.
Thank you.
[VAN ENGINE STARTS]
SOLO:
IIIya?
What happened?
Raisin rye.
Sony.
Thank you, Betsy, thank you.
Mr. Willoughby, why didn't you
want Mr. Solo to know you were sick?
Betsy, are you a very strong girl?
Because I have something terrible
to tell you about myself.
Oh, what could be so terrible
about you, Mr. Willoughby?
The police are after me.
And I think that Mr. Solo
looks like a policeman.
- What for?
- What for?
For Gretchen in Trieste...
...for Mala in Prague,
and for Susie in Red Bank, New Jersey.
Betsy...
...I'm a trigamist.
No.
Yes. Youthful indiscretions.
I'm a weak man, Betsy.
Every time I met a lovely young girl
who insisted on marrying me...
...I just couldn't resist.
Oh, how awful. Well, I guess.
I am being hunted by the police
of three countries.
Why don't you just confess?
Confess?
In Prague, trigamy is a capital crime.
I'll be hanged.
And that Mr. Solo
looks a little Czechoslovakian to me.
We", don't worry.
your three secrets are safe with me.
Thank you, Betsy.
If that is the case
I must ask you one more favor.
Of course.
Thank you.
You see, I suffer from
what they call Humboldt's Syndrome.
And the only medicine that will help me
is called diamine.
But the druggist mustn't know
that it's for me...
...because he might tell Mr. Solo
about it, you see.
Oh, well, don't worry, no one will know.
Thank you.
You are such a lovely girl, Betsy.
[CHUCKLES]
You are so kind, so sweet.
You're just the kind of girl
a man should many.
I'd better go get your prescription,
Mr. Willoughby.
Thank you.
Diamine is pretty rare drug.
Could I ask who it's for?
It's for, uh, Mr. Barkley.
FLETCHER [OVER RADIO]:
The real-estate agent?
BETSY:
Mm-hm. Uh, how much do I owe you?
FLET CHER:
Seven thirty-nine.
So you were wrong about Willoughby.
It looks like it might be
a red herring though.
I think we should put the red herring
in the barrel, just in case.
All right. You start Operation Pickup
and I'll do a little more snooping around.
It's Barkley, the real estate agent.
Are you sure?
The incidence of Humboldt's Syndrome
is one in 25 million.
Those are pretty good odds.
All right.
We shall start Operation Pickup.
This is absolutely your last chance,
Barrows.
Yes, Miss Witherspoon.
Welcome to Peaceful Haven Estates,
folks.
Far from the madding crowds
and hectic pace of modem life...
...Peaceful Haven Estates offers you
the ultimate in suburban living.
Ah, here we are.
Here you are, sir.
I like to call it an adventure in serenity.
Uh, well, we're looking for a house,
not a cemetery.
Of course, of course, of course.
And Peaceful Haven
is bursting with life and excitement.
The chirping of the birds,
the buzzing of the bees...
...and the happy children.
Children?
Remember the noisy kids
in the last place we lived?
And the happy quiet children,
tiptoeing through the tulips.
I grow tulips.
Uh, the happy, obedient children...
...who always walk on the sidewalks,
never walk on the flowers...
...happy just to run through the streets
with their puppy dogs.
Pup--? I grow tulips.
But mostly cats who always stay
in their own yard.
Small, quiet, obedient pussycats.
[TRUCK PLAYING LULLABY]
[LULLABY PLAYING OUTSIDE]
What's that?
Well, that's just an ice-cream truck
selling ice-cold happiness...
...to our quiet, obedient children.
[THUD]
What was that?
There are no earthquakes in the area.
Hello?
Hello? Who's there?
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
[LULLABY PLAYING FASTER]
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
[ALL GRUNTING]
[GUNSHOTS]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
[GUNSHOT, WOMAN SCREAMS]
- May I ask what you think you're doing?
- Lucky I came along, Dr. Rutter.
You were being kidnapped
by a very shady organization.
Oh.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[PLAYING DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
Come in.
- Ah, Mr. Solo. Do you like Chopin?
- Very much. Go ahead.
Oh, this is “The Revolutionary Etude.“
- Anything I can do for you?
- Oh, just a neighborly visit.
- Oh.
- Are you going on a concert tour?
No, I'm just airing them out.
I have a favorite waltz" I have a--
The “C Sharp Minor Waltz“
by Chopin is my favorite.
- You like that?
- Yes, go ahead.
[PLAYING “C SHARP MINOR WALTZ"]
Oh, Mr. Solo, there's a very, very interesting
original manuscript here...
...by Johann Sebastian Bach.
- You know, Bach had--
- I don't read music.
I find it also very interesting, uh...
...that a music teacher subscribes to the
International Journal of Theoretical Physics.
You know, something remarked
about this waltz here.
You have a mark here on an article
about the theory of antimatter.
Dr. Rutter.
I suppose eventually someone
would have to find me.
It might as well be you.
Do you know why I ran away?
- I think I do.
- Yes.
I knew what evil men might do
with my discovery.
For the past 10 years I have tried to
prevent other scientists from duplicating it.
The only other authority on antimatter
is the man who wrote that article.
Your colleague in Vienna
to whom you wrote several months ago.
Yes. I tried to stop him
from further research...
...but he pressed on in spite of my plea.
And, uh, his conclusion is stated
in the article in that journal.
In layman's terms?
Well, in layman's term, he concludes
that the Rutter Theory is incorrect.
That's marvelous.
But, of course, he's wrong.
My theory is quite correct.
But according to him,
all further research will cease.
It may be another 20 or 30 years
before mankind rediscovers antimatter.
By then, I hope the world will be ready
to receive it.
Which is why you feel it's safe
to leave here now.
Yes. Uh...
I now can return to the scientific community
and to other researches.
Well, I suspect that Mr. P.T. Barkley
may have a small bone to pick with you.
We", have I disturbed
his adventure in serenity?
No, but we have.
- We?
- U.N.C.L.E.
Dr. Rutter, we kidnapped Barkley
thinking it was you...
...in order to prevent
a rather unscrupulous group...
...from getting their hands on him.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Excuse me.
Solo here.
You know that wonderful scheme
we had, Napoleon?
Operation Pickup?
Well, it wasn't altogether original.
I'm in a Thrush cell...
...along with Dr. Rutter
and, uh, two rather unfortunate bystanders.
I have news for you.
Dr. Rutter is with me.
- Willoughby?
- Right. Do you know exactly where you are?
I'm afraid not.
I was unconscious when they took us,
and the others were locked in a trailer.
Right, as soon as I get Dr. Rutter
into safe hands, I'll bail you out.
I can triangulate your position
from your communicator.
Well, don't dawdle.
Thrush is liable to get nasty
when they find that Barkley...
...doesn't have the antimatter formula.
What is going to happen to those people?
First thing's first, doctor.
It's my responsibility
to get you to a safe place.
The past 10 years I have lived in oblivion
because of my concern for life.
These four people are innocent.
I won't allow it.
Open Channel D.
It must not happen.
I'm sorry, doctor, but it's my responsibility,
my job and my assignment to protect you...
...and the knowledge you possess.
Channel D?
[RADIO BEEPING]
Yes, Mr. Solo.
I've found Dr. Rutter.
The real one this time.
Uh, what about Mr. Kuryakin
and the real-estate man?
All right, I'll get to them as soon as I've put
Dr. Rutter in the hands of our agents.
Take Route A from where you are.
I'll send a car to meet you midway.
Yes, sir.
All right, Dr. Rutter, ready to go--?
[DOOR CLOSES]
- All right, they're ready for you.
- He's not Dr. Rutter.
Shut up.
Oh, I'll take this little toy.
You're making a big mistake.
He's not Dr. Rutter.
I said shut up.
He-- He-- He's right,
I'm not Dr. Rutter, whoever that is.
You're either Rutter or dead.
Make your choice.
Dr. Rutter, that can't possibly be
the antimatter formula.
Oh, you're right.
I got the last part wrong.
There.
Dr. Rutter, if you are Dr. Rutter...
...you have just written the formula
for computing the interest...
...on a 30-year mortgage.
Oh, I just can't seem to think straight.
It'll come to me.
I don't think this is Dr. Rutter.
Yes, I'm Dr. Rutter. I am. I'm Dr. Rutter.
The prescription was for him.
Has it ever occurred to you
that the girl could be covering for someone?
We'll soon find out.
- What? What are you gonna do?
- It'll be quite painless.
[BARKLEY SQUEALS]
If you are Dr. Rutter
you'll be almost dead in about five seconds.
Oh, I'm not Dr. Rutter.
I'm not Dr. Rutter. I'm not. Rutter.
He's telling the truth this time.
Anyone suffering
from Humboldt's Syndrome...
...would be writhing on the floor by now.
- Barrows, bring the girl here immediately.
- Yes, ma'am.
As for this unfortunate...
- What are you gonna do?
- Well, you're too old for a spanking.
But I'm sure to think of something.
[BARKLEY CHUCKLES]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You haven't seen Mr. Willoughby around?
- No, why?
Well, we were interrupted
in the middle of a discussion.
You'll let me know if you see him,
won't you?
- Oh, of course.
- All right.
Good. He's gone.
Betsy, I can't thank you enough.
Oh, it's perfectly all right,
Mr. Willoughby.
Well, besides...
...I don't see why I should help
the Czechoslovakian police.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
You have an appointment, Ms. Wilson,
and we provide the tree transportation.
I am the one you want.
I knew you would be coming.
I have been expecting you.
The lady's the one we want.
But I am Dr. Rutter.
Well...
Well, in that case, we'll take you along.
- You don't need her.
- I got my orders.
It's I. Leave her here.
Make a fuss
and we'll leave you hereto be buried.
That's right, officer.
[SIGHS]
No, I have not had too many martinis.
I tell you, I saw it.
He attached something to the door
and voom.
Just like in a spy movie.
I must apologize, Dr. Rutter...
...tor putting you and the other members
of this community to so much discomfort.
Amazing how a rapid variation
of alternating current cycles...
...in ordinary light bulbs
can produce irritability...
...and even violence in people.
But you were hard to find.
All right, now that you've found me
you can let the other people go.
Oh, that's already been taken care of,
doctor.
- Then, you can let Betsy go.
- Well, of course.
- Okay, Betsy--
- Barrows, take care of the young lady.
Certainly, Miss Witherspoon.
All right, Betsy, go now.
Get out of here. Yeah.
Now we can get down to business,
doctor.
You see how well we've prepared
our homework?
In 1944 you were at this point.
In 1945 you added this.
And in 1946 you were here.
And then nothing.
No, I stopped when I saw
what it was coming to.
But you did see the solution, professor.
It was in your mind and still is.
No.
I wiped it completely off my mind.
Then you must recall it, professor.
No.
No, it was too horrible.
I once set it to music
and even the music was horrible.
Interesting.
Is it possible to set equations to music?
Of course. I did it all during the war,
when everything was classified.
Top secret was in G minor, I remember.
How ingenious. Do play some for me.
We'll get a piano.
Now, A, Miss Witherspoon,
is for antimatter...
...B is for zero and C is for speed of light.
D is division, E is energy and F is, uh...
F is a little out of tune.
I understand the technique, professor.
Now, let's concentrate on your equation.
Miss Witherspoon, you underestimate me.
I'm just stalling for time
until the others are free.
I have not the slightest intention
of giving you my formula...
...now 0, ever.
[LAUGHS]
Really, doctor, you underestimate me.
[BETSY GRUNTING]
[BETSY SCREAMS]
Jonathan, demonstrate the apparatus
for the good doctor.
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
[STRIKES PIANO KEYS]
Let's get on with computations.
Now, the procedure is this.
You will repeat each binomial
as you play it...
...and I'll feed it into the computer.
The correct solution will free Betsy...
...but every incorrect binomial
will raise her temperature 2 degrees.
One moment, please.
- Give it to me again, please.
- F over D...
[PLAYING NOTES ON PIANO]
...times two.
Minus G squared into EA.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
Negative.
Gosh, that's the formula for fertilizer.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
OFFICER:
Open up, it's the police.
Door's open, Joe.
Anybody home?
There's nobody upstairs.
- Everything looks okay.
- We'd better wait, Archie.
They can't be gone for long.
They wouldn't leave the TV set on.
Whoa, what are you doing?
Oh, and you wanted to move
to the suburbs.
Ah, it's an old movie. I've seen it.
[CHUCKLES]
So you'll see it again.
These movie fights always look fake.
They got Betsy and Rutter
somewhere in this maze.
- Wait a minute. What about us?
- Just lock the door and don't let anyone in.
Yes, sir.
Hey! Let us out.
I hope this doesn't give you the wrong
impression of our friendly community.
[CHUCKLES]
- Get another channel.
- All right.
[BETSY GROANING]
Oh, there. How's that?
[PLAYING NOTES ON PIANO]
D squared B times E.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
BETSY: Unh!
- How's that for honors?
[SIGHS]
[PLAYING NOTES ON PIANO]
- Let her go!
- You're not trying.
Well, I'm out of practice.
I haven't done this for years.
That way.
A, B, A.
[PLAYING NOTES]
A, B, A, A, E, D.
[MACHINE BEEPING]
That's it! That's it, I have it!
I'm master of the world!
Let her go.
Barrows, bring the girl in here.
[MEN GRUNTING]
The computer. Destroy it.
Destroy the computer.
[GROANS]
- You must" You must destroy the computer.
- Easy.
It has my-- My formula inside it.
Your formula is in good hands new,
doctor.
Oh, mankind is not ready for it yet.
Think of the good it might do.
Think of the evil it will do.
Destroy it.
This is the request of a dying man.
From now on,
I'm gonna stick to music lessons.
Does that mean you might stay on
in Peaceful Haven?
Oh, didn't I tell you? 01 course I will.
What about your antimatter, Dr. Rutter?
Antimatter?
Funny thing about that.
Ever since they took the bullet out
of my back and I nearly died...
...something happened
to pan of my brain.
It seems that I never knew anything
about antimatter.
Oh, perhaps" Perhaps it's for the best.
SOLO:
I think we better get going.
I'm sure you're tired, and it's dinnertime.
Dinner?
May I recommend
a wonderful Danish restaurant?
Nyskov's Konditori.
They make a fine--
- Wonderful. I love Danish food.
- Oh, no.
You're not gonna weasel out of it
this time.
IIIya's going to cook for us tonight.
It's his last night in the suburbs.
I'm going to make a soufflé.
[ENGLISH SDH]