The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 3, Episode 18 - The Deadly Smorgasbord Affair - full transcript

- Ah, velkammen, Napoleon Solo.
- I beg your pardon?

You are Mr. Solo?

- Dr. Nillson?
- Oh, no, I'm not Dr. Nillson.

Just his assistant, Inga Bergstrum.

Ahh, Dr. Nillson was busy and he sent me.

I hope you are not too disappointed.

- Oh, no, no. Ahh, quite the contrary.
- Oh.

[GIGGLES]

Dr. Nillson is expecting us
at the polytechnic. Shall we go?

- Here.
- Oh.

In here.



[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Sure we're in the right place?

Oh, you mean the...? Ha, ha.

Well, it's the last day of school.

And after all that pressure,
the students go wild.

It's a local custom.

- I assume American students have theirs.
- Oh, yeah, of course.

More dignified, perhaps.

Well, we have, uh, panty raids
and stuffing 16 kids into a telephone booth.

- Things like that.
- Uh.

Uh, my card is all filled up, thank you.

[DOOR OPENS]

Dr. Nillson,
this is Mr. Sale from U.N.C.L.E.

So, Mr. Solo, hmm?
And what brings you to Stockholm?



Well, ahem, you called Mr. Waverly
and, uh, he sent me.

Oh, yes, yes, of course. Oh, excuse me.

It is about the SAD.

[NILLSON CHUCKLES]

Uh, SAD? What, uh...?

Ahh, that is short for, uh.
Suspended Animation Device.

Ahh, it must be here somewhere.

Uh,uh...

I came upon it, uh, quite by accident...

...while I was experimenting
with something very far afield.

Uh, it suddenly occurred to me
that it could be very dangerous...

...if it came into the wrong, uh, uh...

What exactly does it do, doctor?

It must be here some place, I know.

Now, uh, let us use
the scientific approach.

Everything must be some place.

So if we start with this premise,
we are bound to find it.

Do you know where it is,
Miss Bergstrom?

I don't know, doctor.

Perhaps one of your, uh, students took it.

Ha, ha. Oh, yes, of course.
Just like them.

To play a trick on their old professor,
uh, right after the final examinations, ha!

Neila! Neila, did you see that electronic unit
I was fiddling with yesterday?

- You mean that little black box?
- Yeah, yeah.

Peter, Father wants that thing back.

[DEVICE WHOOSHES]

[TICKING]

- I'll get the doctor. You find the device.
- All right.

[DEVICE CLICKS]

[MUSIC RESUMES]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

SOLO [OVER RADIO]: One moment
I was standing next to Dr. Nil/son...

-...and the next moment, he was gone.
- You've no idea what happened?

I can account for everything
except those few blank seconds.

So Dr. Nillson was right.

His Suspended Animation Device
is an effective weapon.

How does it work?

WAVERLY [OVER RADIO]:
Evidently, it freezes living matter in time...

...utilizing some sort of electronic principle
he came across quite by accident.

Accident or not,
his disappearance was planned.

- You think he was kidnapped?
SOLO: A possibility.

I'd like to have the office run a check
on everyone connected with Dr. Nillson...

...especially one Inga Bergstrom.

Immediately.

By the way, uh, where is Mr. Kuryakin?

Mr. Kuryakin is busy masquerading
as a notorious Siberian Eskimo...

...breaking blubber with a group
of Thrush walrus hunters.

- Hmm, he has all the fun missions.
- Oh, and Mr. Solo?

Since it's obvious
that Dr. Nillson's device is effective...

...and since it's also obvious
that someone's after it...

...you must get it back.

Yes, sir.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hello.

Aren't you going to ask me in?

Um, I'm going to ask you in, yes.

How'd you like a drink?

Well,uh...

Rumor has it that I build
a smashing martini.

It's a bit early in the day.

But maybe if it will help.

Fine.

Do you mind if I take off my shoes
and stay a minute?

Uh, no, uh, by all means, be my guest.

I'm exhausted.

[INGA SIGHS]

I talked to those students all day.

Find out anything?

No.

- They know less than we do.
- Mm-hm.

One thing is for certain:

Whoever got the professor, uh.
didn't get his device.

But none of the students have it.
I checked them all out.

I'm, uh, going to propose a toast now...

...being one of the outstanding
multilinguals at U.N.C.L.E.

I will say to you, ska'l.

Is that the way you pronounce it?

- Your Swedish is very good.
- Ah.

- Ska"!-
- Ska"!.

Mm.

You do build a very good martini.

Well, it's part of U.N.C.L.E. training.

Uh, comes between Cryptography
and Karate.

Oh, tell me, does your training
include women?

Well, it's, uh, under Field Experience.

Aren't you in the field now?

That, uh, reminds me, uh...

Do you know who might have
wanted to, uh, kidnap the professor?

No. Must we talk about that now?

Well, you're his assistant, I thought
he might have said something to you.

You see, most of the time,
our talk was not about science.

[INGA GIGGLES]

I can understand why.

Vii/skiing.
- Wh at ?

Vii/skiing.
- What's that?

- It's “darling“ in Swedish.
- Oh.

It loses a little in the translation.

Vii/skiing?
- Yes, darling?

Uh, let's go.

To Nillson's laboratory.

Where am I?

How did I get here?

MAN:
Ah, Dr. Nillson.

You will forgive this unorthodox manner
in arranging a meeting, Dr. Nillson.

But when I called you a few days ago,
you would not talk to me.

Oh, you are Mr. Beckman,
the patent-medicine king.

Oh, let us not exaggerate.

Merely one of the top two films
in the field.

Uh, Mr. Beckman,
my field is electronics, not drugs.

- Uh, why do I interest you?
- Oh, your work, Dr. Nillson.

In particular,
your Suspended Animation Device.

I am so sorry. It is not for sale.

Oh, don't be so hasty.

Think of what this can mean to humanity.

Why, you have created
the ultimate anesthetic.

But it is not only an anesthetic.

It is also a dangerous weapon.

Oh, come now.

Think of what this could mean
to heart surgery...

...and to the exploration of space.

Well, it could also paralyze an army
and I know what that could mean.

Oh, really?

Well, then, all the more important...

...that you should put this device
in the control of a reputable firm...

...like Beckman International.

But I told you, it is not for sale.

- At any price?
- No.

Well, since my men did not
get a hold of the device...

...I will ask you to build me another one.

I could not build you another one
if my life depended on it.

Ah...

...but it does.

I really don't know
what you hope to find.

Where does he keep his private papers?

In there, in the top drawer, in the middle.

In this folder...

...plans for the device?

Poetry.

Dr. Nillson writes love sonnets.

Addressed to you?

- That's his little secret.
- Hmm.

I can't say I blame him.

You find me attractive?

But I don't.

You can fool him
and you can feel my father...

...but you cannot fool me.

Ahem, well, I guess you might be the
good doctor's daughter then, is that right?

A 19-year-old thorn.

What are you doing
in my father's laboratory?

Uh, my name is, uh, Napoleon Solo.

Perhaps this will explain.

Oh, father told me
he'd contacted U.N.C.L.E.

Yeah, you and...

And what's-her-name were here
when we were dancing.

The poor child refuses to acknowledge
the fact that I might become her mother.

- Never!
- Uh, ladies, uh, please.

[CHUCKLES]

What could possibly have happened
to my father, Mr. Solo?

Well, uh, I don't know.

His invention was so effective
that none of us are able to answer that.

That's why we hope to find him.

- Well, you will not find it here.
- And why not?

Because I have it.

- Do you want to see it work?
- Mr. Solo, you must be more care--

[DEVICE TICKING]

[NEILA GIGGLES]

Hmm, I don't think you should play around
with a thing like that.

It won't hurt her.
I set the timer for 60 seconds.

Mr. Solo, you have got to do something
about that woman.

Now, wait a minute.
Are you sure she can't hear us?

She's frozen.

She must know
what happened to my father.

- What makes you think that?
- Nothing, except my woman's intuition.

Well, sometimes, that can be a good deal
more, uh, dangerous than this thing.

- Now, give this to me, will you?
- Don't let her touch it.

You did it, didn't you?

Did what?

I suggest we send this device
to U.N.C.L.E. headquarters...

...before someone else plays with it.

Excellent idea. I'm leaving
on the midnight plane tonight for New York.

But what about my father?

Well, I'll contact our Scandinavian
headquarters in Oslo, Norway...

...and they'll follow through on that,
all right?

Hmm, interesting.

You shouldn't be here!

Solo had the device.

- How did he get it?
- Well, that little witch, she gave it to him.

And Solo's taking it with him
to New York.

So why didn't you shoot them both?!

At the polytechnic?
It's too risky, there are too many people.

Besides, you have Dr. Nillson.
- This poor man could be too difficult.

We must get the one
that's in Solo's hands.

I must not permit U.N.C.L.E.
to frustrate me one more time.

If it were not for them...

...I would have been
on Thrush Central board years ago.

We must hurry.

- Solo's taking the midnight flight.
- Hmm?

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PA]

Now, this must be kept on ice
until we are in flight.

I understand, Mr. Solo.
Your caviar will be properly chilled.

- And I want it served with the champagne.
- Naturally.

- Have a pleasant trip, Mr. Solo.
- Thank you.

NEILA:
Mr. Solo.

- Mr. Solo, please don't leave.
- I'm sorry, I can't stay.

But there has not been one word
about my father.

If you go, I have no one to tum to.

Well, I've already.
uh, sent orders for the Oslo office...

-...to take care of things here.
- No.

I know you. My father met you.
Mr. Waverly sent you to him.

You are the only one I trust.

I'm sorry, Neila, I can't stay.

I have my orders to take that flight.

Let me buy you a hot coffee to calm down.
We have plenty of time.

- Excuse me, sir.
- Hmm?

Would you read this note, please?
I've lost my glasses.

Just walk ahead of me.

What does he mean?

He means, uh, just walk ahead of him.

Get in.

[MAN GRUNTING]

- Forget it. Keep your hands on the wheel--
- Watch out, Mr. 80--

[NEILA SCREAMS]

I was right about you all along.

Will someone shut her up?

That's it.
The Suspended Animation Device.

- Want to see how it works?
- Yeah.

[DEVICE CLICKING]

You tool. It's a remote control
for a television set.

[NEILA LAUGHS]

Ow!

Perhaps I underestimated the opposition.

I see you're still in Stockholm, Mr. Solo.

Ahh. Well, I couldn't very well leave here
with Dr. Nillson still missing.

But we had a signal
you were leaving on the midnight flight.

SOLO [OVER RADIO]: Ahh, sorry about that.
It was merely a maneuver, a little diversion.

And I knew whoever wanted that device
wouldn't let me take that flight.

- I'd hoped it would bring me to Dr. Nillson.
- Then they took the bait?

Unfortunately, they also took his daughter,
which raised a large lump on my head.

But the device is still in your hands?

Yeah, it's in a safe place, uh, Mr. Waverly.
On ice, so to speak.

Good.

Oh, I'll leave for Scandinavian headquarters
in Oslo immediately...

-...to take charge of it in person.
- I rather expected Mr. Kuryakin.

WAVERLY [OVER RADIO]:
Ahh, yes, yes, Mr- Kan/akin-

Well, uh, it appears
that one of those Thrush walrus hunters...

...is also an itinerant gauche
posing as an escaped war criminal.

Naturally, Kuryakin is pursuing him
in Argentina.

Naturally. Uh, by the way, any information
on that person I wanted checked out?

Yes. Use extreme caution, Mr. Solo.

WAVERLY:
There are definite Thrush connections.

lNGA:
A'Iskling.

WAVERLY:
What's that, Mr- Sofa?

Uh, that's, uh, “darling“ in Swedish.

Oh, oh, yes, of course, of course.
Well, carry on.

Well, poor darling.

- What a big head you must have.
- Uh, how did you know that?

I couldn't resist going to the airport
to see you off.

And I go up there
and I saw my little é'lskling...

...being loaded into an ambulance
instead of a plane.

I came as soon as I could.

How sweet you are.

And also, I was curious.

- About what?
- Why, about Dr. Nillson's device.

I hope you were clever enough
not to let them get it.

Oh, you flatter me.

[GIGGLES]

- And you fascinate me.
- Ah, I find you very intriguing.

- Let's stop the verbal ping pong.
- All right.

I don't know whether or not
they've got it, but I haven't got it.

Hmm.

Well, then you must know where it is,
my darling little é'lskling.

No, I don't, Inga é'lskling.

Isn't it too bad you men are all alike?

- Now, where is it?
- I told you, I haven't got it.

Mr. Solo, one of our people saw you
hand a package to the airline man.

Oh, that? Oh, that was something
I wanted them to keep on ice.

Like Dr. Nillson's invention?

No, like caviar.

You're lying, little é'lskling.

What I'd give you the proof,
but I'm afraid it's flown away.

MAN:
Mr. Solo?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Uh, tell him to come in.

Come.

Mr. Solo.

Oh, good evening.

I came as soon as I got
your hotel address, Mr. Solo.

Ah, well, it really
wasn't necessary, you know?

Oh, our airline is very proud
of our service.

- Well, you should be.
- That's true.

When you didn't board that plane,
I immediately retrieved this package...

-...and here it is.
- Mm-hm.

- Oh, I suppose I should thank you.
- Oh, not at all.

If there's anything else we can do...

No, I think you've done it all. Thank you.

You're very welcome. Good night.

Look fast.

Ah, would you mind,
uh, turning your back?

Not on you, Mr. Solo.

It is no use.

I cannot figure it out.

Well, then I suggest you try harder...

...for your lovely daughter's sake, hmm?

Can't you see he's doing his best?

I certainly hope so, for both your sakes.

Ah, Mr. Napoleon Solo.

- Ah, you are a very clever man.
- Thank you.

Very clever.

Unfortunately, not quite clever enough.

Ah, well, you said that
the last time we met.

Oh, you've remembered
we have crossed swords before.

- And you lost.
INGA: Hmm?

BECKMAN:
Just the battle, Mr. Solo.

And now you are going to help me
win the war.

With that?

How?

What would you say if I walked
in the U.N.C.L.E. headquarters...

...and used
the Suspended Animation Device?

I would say that would be
quite a surprise.

I have a bigger one.

Alexander Waverly
will be in the Oslo offices.

It will save us a trip to New York.

Quite a coup, Mr. Solo, wouldn't you say?

It will probably make you a very big man
up front at Thrush Central.

May I suggest you suspend his animation?

A very good idea.

You slime!

INGA:
Kill him!

BECKMAN: No, no, wait till we find out
where's he hid the real thing.

[SPEAKS IN SWEDISH]

- Very clever, uh, your childish prank.
- I'm glad you liked it.

And now I have a little prank for you.

Take him to the Sun Room.

Wonderful, a sun bath.

The likes of which
you have never experienced before.

The Swedes are worshippers of the sun.
Did you know that, Mr. Solo?

I've heard of the third degree, but phew!

INGA:
He won't crack, I tell you.

His skin will.

[TABLE RISES]

Ooh, I could use some suntan oil.

Do you see what I mean?

My patience is running out, Mr. Solo.
I have bigger fish to fry.

I was hoping you wouldn't say that.

Oh, this is ridiculous. It's a waste of time.

Are you saying
I do not know my business?

I know men.

And this kind of torture
will not make him talk.

Then perhaps you have a suggestion.

I knew you would ask. May I?

Release Solo.

[MACHINE STOPS]

Otto, Ingmar.

Will you do the honors, my love?

My pleasure.

No, no!

No, no!

Ah! No!

[GASPS]

No!

[GASPS]

[NEILA COUGHS]

[NILLSON SPEAKS IN SWEDISH]

[NILLSON SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTING]

- Let her go, Inga.
- You're concerned, Mr. Solo. That's good.

Why do you wanna torture her?
She doesn't know where the device is.

But you do. Would you like to tell?

Don't you dare, Mr. Solo!

Inga, my appreciation of you grows.

[NEILA GASPING]

Are you comfortable, my little fawn?

Mr. Solo, you are causing her
great discomfort.

In a few moments,
those wet leather straps...

...will begin to tighten around her threat
as they dry under the heat.

It will be interesting to see
which kills the girl first:

Strangulation or heat.
Are you a betting man, Mr. Solo?

Don't give in, Mr. Solo.

[PANTS]

All right, release her.
I'll tell you where it is.

I know where it is.
That airline man is an U.N.C.L.E. agent.

- He has it.
- Release her.

Get the device and set a nice trap.

Open Channel Double Zero.

[RADIO BEEPING]

Yes, Mr. Solo.

All right, a slight deviation in plans.

Dr. Nillson is being kept prisoner
at Henry Beckman's place...

...and I'm going to need your help.

What exactly do you want me to do?

You still have
the Suspended Animation Device?

- Yes, of course.
SOLO: All right, bring it with you.

But Mr. Solo--

I need it to get Dr. Nillson out.
Try to miss the guards.

PM meet van in the living mum.

Yes, sir.

That's a handy gadget.

Yeah, it saves us thousands in phone bills.

Not to mention your lives.

- Mind if we go now?
- Well, you have to get dressed first.

Well, I didn't know you cared.

- I brought it like you said.
- Behind you. Use it.

[THUDS]

Well done, Mr. Solo.

It's a pity you're not on our side.

Here you are, Beckman.

[GIGGLES]

Inga.

Do you realize
that in the palm of my hand...

...there is enough power
to control the entire world?

That is, after we have finished
with U.N.C.L.E.

I trust you will not forget the small role
I played in acquiring this victory.

Of course not, my dear.

I have big plans for you.

First things first.

The attack on Oslo headquarters
of U.N.C.L.E.

No, we strike when Waverly arrives.

And what about those three?

Hmm...

[NEILA SCREAMS]

[DEVICE TICKING]

[DEVICE CLICKS]

[MOANING]

[INGA AND BECKMAN LAUGH]

And now for you, Mr. Solo.

[DEVICE WHOOSHES]

Ha, ha, it works. It works.

- They're already as good as dead.
- You better be sure.

[INGA LAUGHS]

- Ah, Mr. Waverly. Velkammen.
- Hello, Swen.

This way, please.

I feel like an absolute tool, Mr. Waverly.
for having fallen for a trap like that.

That flap was set by a master, Swen.
If that's any comfort to you.

Luckily, I regained consciousness...

...before they were able
to use the device on me.

When I got out of the house,
I saw the bodies floating in the canal.

- How long were they in the water?
- At least two hours before I got to them.

Well, by all rights,
they should have drowned.

Well, Dr. Pederson says that their
suspended state saved them from that.

Does Dr. Pederson think
they have any chance?

Well, if anyone can help them, he can.

They are waiting inside, sir.

Uh, be careful with these explosives.

Uh, I will go in first,
then Inga and Gustafson.

And the rest of you will follow
at 10-second intervals.

Dr. Pederson,
how positive are you this will work?

All I am sure of
is that this is our last resort.

This condition of suspended animation
was apparently induced electronically.

If we find the wave pattern...

...and reverse it,
the condition might be negated.

And what if you are wrong?

Tum it on, Dr. Pederson.
I'll take the responsibility.

[BEEPING]

BECKMAN:
Took you long enough.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.
but we are not to open yet.

If you'd come back in another hour.

But I am hungry now.

Well, there's nothing I can do about it.

Gad dag, Swen.

[DEVICE WHOOSHES]

Get him out of there.

[BEEPING]

There's no reaction. What are you at?

Seven thousand.

Isn't that enough power
to kill a normal person?

Under normal conditions, yes.

[BELL CHIMES]

[BELL CHIMES]

WAVERLY:
They can't take much more, doctor.

PEDERSON: I need 30 seconds more
at this level. It's our only hope.

Doctor, look, they're coming around.

Take off the electrodes.

[SOLO SIGHS]

Mr. Waverly.

Mr. Solo, you're all right.
Oh, well, thank you, doctor.

[BELL CHIMES]

I will go in first
and take care of as many as possible.

The rest of you will come in
in 20 seconds.

Now, you all know
where to set your charges.

We will detonate them by radio
from the boat.

Auf wiedersehen, my love.

Be careful.

[DEVICE WHOOSHES]

[ALARM SOUNDING]

[DEVICE WHOOSHING]

We are being attacked.

[DEVICE WHOOSHES]

Under the bed.

Play dead.

SOLO:
Ow.

MAN:
Down this way. Hey, fellas.

Stay here. Don't move.

[DEVICE WHOOSHING]

[DEVICE WHOOSHING]

[BECKMAN CHUCKLING]

- You did it.
- Of course.

- I didn't think it would be so easy.
- I had no doubt whatsoever.

Well, let's see what we can find.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Oh, there are names and descriptions...

...of every U.N.C.L.E. agent
in Western Europe.

We can pick them off at random.

Where are the other two men?

They probably got lost
in the maze of corridors.

[SLAMS]

- What's happened?
- I don't know.

Uh, you, go find out.

Now, we better get out of here.

[GUNFIRE]

That's very good for an amateur.

Come on.

Well, it's Gustafson.
I don't understand. I froze all the agents.

All the exits are shut. What do we do?

We counterattack. This way.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Stay back.

Someone's coming.

- We're going around in circles.
- This way, this way.

- It's locked.
- Oh, there must be an exit near here.

Beckman.

[DEVICE WHOOSHES]

Ah! You missed. Try again.

[GUNSHOT]

Mr. Solo, I can detonate every bomb
we placed in this building.

If I will die, you all will die.

Me too, Henry?

Yes, Inga.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, darling.

[GUNSHOT]

Alskling.

I surrender, é'lskling.

A'Iskling, darling.
your offer comes a little late.

But it's better late than never.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh, what's this celebration all about?

It's the first day of school.

First day, last day, midterms.

Oh, you Swedes
have a unique philosophy of education.

But this way, we get all the wildness
out of our system. Come on.

Don't you think all of this may interfere
with Dr. Nillson's concentration?

He is trying to rebuild the gadget,
you know.

When father's working,
exploding cannons would not distract him.

- Oh.
- Shall we?

Yeah.

- How's it going, doctor?
- I think this might do it.

Ah, Mr. Solo, there you are.

And with the young lady, of course.

This should do it.
Now all we need is a test.

Oh, try it on me, Papa.

- Good. Step aside, gentlemen.
- Do you think you should?

Don't worry.
Father knows exactly what he's doing.

One, two, three, go!

[DEVICE CLICKS]

Eureka, it works!

Well, that's not exactly
what we had in mind.

WAVERLY:
Well, never mind.

How do you feel, young lady?

Floating.

Like Peter Pan.

[ENGLISH SDH]