The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Take Me to Your Leader Affair - full transcript

[RADIO SIGNAL BEEPING]

SCIENTIST:
I've checked the computers again, Dr. Cool.

[RADAR RINGING]

For the hundredth time,
there's no mistake.

Hmm, it's nice and peaceful down here,
isn't it?

And if it wasn't for all that equipment,
those antennae...

...you'd think it'd never been touched
by civilization.

[STEREO PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

SOLO:
I'm afraid it has.

[BAG POPS]

Over here.



I had you guys tabbed. Fuzz.

It was only a paper bag.

Is that all you have to do?

Just about.

We're looking for Dr. Cool.

Pop?

He's up there in the observatory.

He's always in the observatory.

SOLO:
Thank you.

Dr. Cool, I'm Napoleon Solo,
and this is, uh, IIIya Kuryakin.

Where's Mr. Waverly?

SOLO: Unfortunately, he couldn't come.
He sent us in his place.

Of course. Uh, gentlemen,
this is my aide, Dr. Trebush.

SOLO: Dr. Trebush.
- How do you do?



Has Mr. Waverly briefed you at all?

All he said was that it was
a matter of considerable importance.

Alex always had a talent
for understatement.

How much do you gentlemen
know about radio astronomy?

SOLO: Very little.
ILLYA: A good deal.

I've studied the basic principles.

I know it uses a screen-like radar,
unlike conventional telescope.

Yes, that's right. And because of that,
we're able to pick up things...

...that go unobserved
by conventional instruments.

We know now that, besides the familiar
visible world of stars and planets...

...there exists another universe,
that of dark and invisible heavenly bodies.

These blips you see on the screen now,
they come from just such a body.

A small dark asteroid.

There are untold billions
of these asteroids.

The discovery of one more would hardly
be worth of anyone's attention.

Except for two things:

First, its movement defies all known laws
of spatial gravity and motion.

It travels at varying speeds,
as if it were being guided...

...or moving on its own power.

Are you suggesting that it's not an asteroid
but some sort of space vehicle?

- That's a reasonable conclusion.
ILLYA: A matter of considerable importance.

SOLO:
And the other thing, doctor?

DR. COOL:
The asteroid, Mr. Solo, 01 space vehicle...

...is now about 4 million miles
away from us.

If it continues on its present course,
it will inevitably collide with the Earth.

Well, has this been verified
by anyone else?

DR. COOL:
No, not yet.

But other radio observatories,
whose range is not as great as ours...

...should be able to verify our findings
in, say, three or four days.

Which is why I contacted Mr. Waverly.

Go on.

I want these other observatories alerted
and their scientists sworn to secrecy.

If the news of this discovery
should leak out, gentlemen...

...I'm afraid
it would cause worldwide panic.

And if this space vehicle
should indeed prove a threat to our world...

...well, I don't think
that panic would be the best defense.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

DR. COOL:
My daughter!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[BOAT ENGINE CHUGGING]

[WOMAN GRUNTING]

[ILLYA GRUNTS]

[RADIO BEEPING]

Have you managed to contact
Mr. Solo yet?

OPERATOR:
He's coming in now, sir.

Good afternoon, Mr. Solo.
Have you had any luck?

No, I don't think I will have.

They had a pretty good head start.
Probably reached land by now.

Keep looking.

Oh, and about that other, uh, matter,
which seems to be of some importance...

I still think it's either a hoax
or a colossal miscalculation, sir.

Dr. Cool is hardly given
to practical jokes, Mr. Solo.

And he's one
of our most reputable astronomers.

I don't know very much about science, sir.
but there's one thing I'm sure of...

...that that kidnapping
is tied in somehow.

Until you can verify it, Mr. Solo...

...we'll have to assume
that Dr. Cool's claims are genuine.

Uh, we'll clamp a little secrecy
on his findings...

...and alert all other observers
to do the same.

If and when they confirm these findings.

So carry on.

Yes, sir.

What can they have in mind, Trebush?
Ransom?

I'm not a rich man.

My family, friends.
they don't have any money.

I still think
we should've called the police.

Hmm, it wouldn't be wise, Dr. Cool.

You said you wouldn't want
to endanger Coco's life.

I suppose you're right.

[DR. COOL SIGHS]

Coco, my poor child.

[RADIO BEEPING]

- Yes, Napoleon?
SOLO [OVER RADIO]: Sharon?

Mm-hm. Have you spotted them yet?

No, I haven't but, uh, something else.

Maybe it's of no importance...

...but I'd like you to check out
the ownership of a yacht.

It's about a 60-footer,
named The Canine.

It's in the cooker.
Where's the yacht going?

Well, at the moment,
it's heading toward Dr. Cool's island.

They couldn't be aboard, could they?
IIIya and the girl?

No chance. I'm sure they wouldn't
have taken them off the island...

...just so they could be brought
right back.

About that yacht, The Corrine,
it seems it belongs to Mr. Big himself...

...Simon Sparrow.

DR. COOL:
It's not true.

It's not true, Simon! It can't be!

But it is, Adrian.

Your asteroid's a fake.
More precisely, it doesn't exist.

- Let me tum on the radar scope.
SIMON: Oh, you'll get a signal, all right.

Ostensibly from 4 million miles
out in space.

Don't always believe
what you read on radar screens.

But you built it, Simon.
You built the observatory itself.

And put it at your disposal.

As I did with other scientists
and other observatories.

All of them equipped
with a Sparrow-built apparatus.

All of those observatories...

...within the next few days
will pick up that same asteroid...

...or what appears to be an asteroid.

All according to a very carefully
laid-out plan, Adrian.

It doesn't makes sense.

Everything's been checked
and proven by the computers.

Why, I would hope so.

They were made by one
of my subsidiary companies.

Dr. Trebush, uh, perhaps
if you'd explain to Mr. Sparrow.

That won't be necessary, Adrian.
Dr. Trebush is an old friend.

I've been in Mr. Sparrow's employee
for the past nine years.

SIMON: Don't take it so hard.
Consider the bright side.

Look at the opportunities I've given you.

The chance to work with the finest...

...and the most-advanced equipment
ever designed.

All built with my money.

Why have you done this, Simon?

Ten years ago, Dr. Cool,
you wrote a book.

In it, you claimed that you'd received
mysterious radio signals...

...that only could've come
from outer space.

Do you still believe
that there's intelligent life...

...similar to ours, on other planets?

- You know I do.
SIMON: It cost you your job.

I still believe it.

Then I'm gonna give you a chance
to redeem yourself...

...to prove that you were right.

You can come out of this
as one of the greatest scientists of all time.

Copernicus, Galileo, Adrian Cool.

Don't deny your place in history, Adrian.
It's waiting for you.

I'm gonna give you your asteroid.

A man-made,
Sparrow-conceived asteroid.

You see, I also want my name
to go down in history.

I will not be a party
to your insane ambitions.

Insane? Heh, heh, heh.

But they're quite close to reality, Adrian.

If you go along with me, you can be
one of the leaders of the new world.

My new world.

If you don't...

Do you like television, Adrian?

We have, uh, a special
that might interest you.

SIMON:
A closed direct relay.

Coco.

I think I've made my point.

You can tum it off, Trebush.

Untie them and remove the gags.

COCO:
You big oaf.

Don't tempt me, Miss Cool.
I have orders to use force if I have to.

COCO: You don't scare me.
If you think you can--

Orders from whom?
Who had her kidnapped?

You'll find out in good time.

And you'll speak when you're spoken to,
Mr. Kuryakin.

I've brought you some clothes.

And I might advise
against attempting to escape.

The house is electronic.
We have guards everywhere.

And I also have a very short temper,
which I love to lose.

COCO:
Wait.

My father, does he know I'm all right?

- He knows.
- Are you sure? He'd be terribly worried.

GUARD:
I'm sure.

It won't do you any good, you know.
He hasn't got any money.

We are aware of that, Miss Cool.

If they know he hasn't any money,
why did they take me?

Well, I'm sure we'll find that out
when the time comes.

Why don't you get into those clothes?

COCO:
What are you doing?

ILLYA: I'm looking for the lens
of a television camera.

[WHISPERS]
Smile.

They've found the lens.
We lost picture, sound, everything.

It's not too complicated.

That character was wearing an ear plug
hooked into a sending set.

He took it out when they
were through with us.

So obviously, it was done
to show someone that we're here.

- You are clever, aren't you?
- I'm trained for these things.

Why don't you put on those clothes?

It's very disturbing being locked in a room
with you in that bikini when I'm on duty.

Hmm, I didn't even think you noticed.

I'm trained for these things.

[PLAYS SHORT RIFF ON GUITAR]

Hey, you're good.

Of course.

[PLAYS SHORT RIFF ON GUITAR]

Now what?

I was just thinking.

Wouldn't it be funny
if we fell in love and got married?

[GUITAR TWANGS]

[RADIO BEEPING]

Solo here.

I gather, Mr. Solo,
you have nothing further to report?

I'm afraid not.

It will be, uh, getting dark soon.
I might as well land.

Something interesting has come our way.

You say Dr. Cool asked complete secrecy
in regard to his discovery?

That's right. Have you alerted
the other observatories yet?

No, I was about to.

Very curious.

Three newspapers and two wire services
here in the city have just been contacted...

...and told all about the asteroid.

- Who told them?
WAVERLY [OVER RADIO]: Dr. Coal.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

SIMON:
You say he's from U.N.C.L.E.?

TREBUSH:
Yes, sir. His name is Solo.

He appears to be getting ready to land.

TREBUSH:
That's right.

See that he doesn't.

Whew! Where are we?

On Dr. Cool's island.

I wouldn't move around too much
if I were you.

You're still a little bit fuzzy.

Maybe I need a little more oxygen, huh?

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

Oh, you're a remarkable man, Mr., uh...?
What's your name?

Solo. Ahem. Napoleon Solo.

Solo. Two minutes ago you were
more dead than alive, and now...

[CHUCKLES]

[BOAT ENGINE CHUGGING]

SOLO:
What's the matter?

I thought I heard something.

Why should that, uh, trouble you,
Miss, uh, Ackers, isn't it?

- How did you know?
SOLO: Doesn't everyone?

About three months ago in the newspapers,
tycoon engaged to society girl.

The future Mrs. Simon Sparrow.
Congratulations.

You didn't answer my question.
What are you afraid of?

Anyone who has anything to do with Simon
has to be afraid of him.

It was Simon who tried to kill you.

Oh, that's interesting.

I saw your helicopter come down.

I saw Trebush activate the device
that brought it down.

Trebush only does what Simon says.

Where did you see all this from?

ACKERS:
From Simon's yacht.

Oh, yeah, the, uh...

I stayed aboard
while he went to see Dr. Cool.

You're just a very lucky fellow
that I'm a good swimmer.

You're engaged to Simon Sparrow...

...and he tried to kill me
and you saved my life...

...and now you're telling me all this,
why?

I have my reasons.

[BOAT ENGINE CHUGGING]

What's that?

Oh, that's the boat coming back.
It's time for dinner. I'll have to go.

SOLO: Well, that's too bad. I would
like to have continued this discussion.

We will, Mr. Solo.

Another time.

ILLYA: I don't think anyone
has touched these windows in years.

The bars are rusty.

From what I can see,
we're in the bayou country...

...some sort of southern mansion.

It's dripping with moss.

What are you writing?

I'm writing to my father.

I'm laying out his schedule.

ILLYA:
Schedule?

You've heard
of the absent-minded professor?

Well, if I didn't go and get him out
of his observatory every night...

...he'd never even get any sleep.

- Isn't there anyone else to take care of him?
- No.

My mother left
when I was still in grammar school.

It was kind of dull for her.

And, uh, they got a divorce...

...and she's married again now,
some guy with a zillion dollars.

They wanted me to stay with them,
but somebody had to take care of Papa.

Gee, I hope they let me send this.

- IIIya...
- What?

COCO:
I know why they kidnapped me.

- Why?
COCO: Because of my stepfather.

- He's loaded.
- No, I don't think so.

The man that owns this place
is hardly a pauper.

- A nut?
- Hardly.

All those guards, the electronic devices.

There's something very important
at stake.

I don't know what it is,
but I intend to find out.

Hmm, then what I said to you
when I first saw you, it's true, isn't it?

What's that?

You are fuzz, aren't you?

Fuzz?

Mm-hm, I guess you're too old
to know what that means.

It means police.

Yes, I know, but I'm, uh, not exactly.

Well, but it must be something
close to it, huh?

ILLYA:
Hmm.

Did you know I was gonna be kidnapped?

No offense, but at that point
I didn't even know you existed.

Hmm, you know now though, don't you?

It's being impressed upon me.

That's a fine way to show it.

With the fuzz, duty comes first.

I have to get out of here
and take a look around.

How you going to do that?

One of those bars is loose.
If I can my it free...

I know. You've got a nail file in the sole.

You've been seeing too many pictures.

Now, if my pick hasn't been damaged
by too much moving around...

...I should have
a rather ingenious device here.

[SHOE REVS]

[SHOE WHIRRING]

[METAL RATTLING]

[RADIO SIGNAL BEEPING]

WOMAN [OVER RADIO]:
Observatory at Grace North...

...reports unidentified object
approaching Earth.

Exact distance and speed
not yet determined.

Tracking stations at Glenbourne
and Lemuel confirm radar contact.

[EQUIPMENT BLARING]

Dr. Walter Lowenbrunner
of the Astrophysical Institute...

...identifies object as a space vehicle.

If you would permit me, Mr. Chairman...

...I think it would be a grave mistake
for you to go on worldwide television.

At this juncture, anyway.

CHAIRMAN:
I have to, Mr. Waverly.

As designated spokesman
of the Council of Nations...

...it is my duty to set before the public
all the facts we have.

It would be premature.

- We still don't know--
- And tomorrow will be too late.

Consider the situation, sir.

Granted that you have succeeded
in keeping the story from the newspaper...

...but the rumors are flying nevertheless.

And other observatories have confirmed
Dr. Cool's discovery.

The rumor will increase rapidly.

Unless the people of every nation
are frankly informed of the situation...

...and our plans to cope with it,
there will be panics in the street!

If the people are told,
you increase the chances of such panic.

All right, I'll hold off the telecast.

I hope, Mr. Waverly, in so doing...

...I am not placing the world
in further jeopardy.

I rather hope so too, Mr. Chairman.

[ILLYA GRUNTING]

[WHISPERS]
Here. Go on. That does it.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'll be back as quickly as I can.

What do I do if that guy shows up again?

Hmm? Apologize.

- Hold it.
- What--?

That's for nothing, but be careful.

[ILLYA READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[ALARM BEEPING]

Intruder in the study.

GUARD:
Upstairs!

[BOTH SINGING FOLK SONG]

Anything wrong?

You were marvelous.

I didn't think
I was going to get up herein time.

Oh, who's talking about that?
You can sing.

- Of course.
-01 course?

Did you listen to us? We're great!

We're a combo.

We can make a fortune.

[GUITAR TWANGS]

SOLO:
Who do I see about employment?

What do you do?

SOLO:
I'm a thermodynamics engineer...

...specializing in MIL D-8874
Avionics design.

Just a minute.

It's 180 and rising.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Sparrow. Yes?

Who?

That's very interesting.
Send him over here.

GUARD:
Research and Testing.

Three buildings straight ahead,
and two to your left. You'll see the sign.

SOLO:
Thank you.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

SIMON:
Come in, please.

Why, it is Mr. Solo, welcome back to life.

I must admit,
you've given me something 01a surprise.

Not an unpleasant surprise, I hope.

SIMON: Who are you looking for?
- Not you.

Not so soon, anyway.

What'd you expect to find?

Dr. Cool's asteroid?

[CHUCKLES]

Here?

You can prove me wrong
by letting me walk out of here.

SIMON: I don't think
that would be feasible, my friend.

I don't know what you've stumbled on,
but whatever it is, it's too much.

That's a wind tunnel. Step inside.

Take your choice.

Start the motor.

[WIND ROARING]

[WIND ROARING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Yes?

Fine!

[WIND STOPS]

It's Miss Ackers.
Let her in, then leave us alone.

Come in, my deal.
You look beautiful, as always.

[ACKERS CHUCKLES]

Simon, I thought we might
have dinner together tonight.

We hardly see each other anymore.

And you miss me. You flatter my ego.

No, your ego does very well without me.
Can you make it?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just leaving. I'm going
out of town for the next few days.

- I'm expecting a call in my office.
ACKERS: Well--

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Excuse me.

Hello.

I'll be right over.

That was the call I was expecting.
I'll walk you to your car.

Simon, there's a call I have to make too.
You go ahead, darling.

Uh, that isn't an outside line.
You can call from the gate.

Come on, my dear.

Goodbye.

And try not to miss me too much.

You don't wanna tell me
where you're going?

You really interested?

It's a woman's curiosity.

I didn't know it was such a secret.

I have no secrets from you, my dear.

I just don't wanna have you with
the mundane matters of making money.

Oh, Simon, you have all the money
in the world. Isn't that enough?

No, it's not.

I'll call you the moment I get back.

Napoleon?

Napoleon?

Come on.

We've gotta get you out of here.
Come on.

Do you feel better now?

[SOLO SIGHS]

All that time in the wind tunnel,
you, uh, do make it seem all worthwhile.

Always happy to please.

- That was even nicer.
- Thank you.

ML, uh, ahem, Sparrow has a habit
of trying to kill me...

...and you seem to have a penchant
for saving my life, why is that?

- You asked me that before.
- Well, you didn't tell me.

I was very much in love
with a man Simon killed.

Oh, wait, not in the legal sense.
He had him destroyed.

Because he wanted you?

And now I want him.

[ACKERS CHUCKLES]

Revenge isn't the noblest of motives,
Mr. Solo...

...but it's been guiding me
for along time.

- Maybe he suspects.
- Oh, he knows it.

It appeals
to his sardonic sense of humor.

That's the kind 01a man Simon is.

[RADIO BEEPING]

Solo here.

- Where are you, Mr. Solo?
- On the way to Louisiana, sir...

...with a very charming young lady
named Corinne Ackers.

Oh.

I suppose it's too much to expect...

...but I would like to think
that it's all in the line of duty, Mr. Solo.

Time is of the essence, you know.

Oh, yes, sir. It is in the line of duty.

Would that it were otherwise.

Indeed.

I heard from Dr. Cool a little while ago.

He reports that his daughter
was not really kidnapped after all.

- Oh?
WAVERLY: Says the girl's mother took her.

Some dispute about visitation rights.

He was a little vague about it all,
I must say.

But he insists that everything's in order
and that he's not pressing charges.

What about IIIya?

Dr. Cool says he has no idea.

Do you, uh, buy it, sir?

- In a word, no.
SOLO: Neither do I-.

Miss Ackers is taking me
to Simon Sparrow's plantation.

Oh.

And just what do you expect
to find there?

I'm not sure.

Possibly-- This is just possibly.
--Miss Cool and IIIya.

I don't understand you, IIIya.

We really could make a fortune.

We could be biggest thing in showbiz
since Herman and the Hermits.

Maybe even bigger.

I have no particular desire
to be bigger than Herman and the Hermits.

Are the guards still out there?

They're there.

Now, you have to be practical.

Think of the future.

Do you want to be a nothing all your life?

I'm sorry.
but you can't win me by flattery.

Oh, I didn't mean it that way.

I just hate to see you wasting your life
away when you could be the biggest thing--

Yeah, since Herman and the Hermits.
The answer is no.

- You're an impossible man.
- Mm-hm.

I'm not going to let you sleep
until you say yes.

But it's ridiculous.

Just think of it.

Our name in lights, records, television.

People begging for autographs.

The world's at our feet.

ILLYA: Mm-mm.
- Mm-hm.

ILLYA: Mm-mm.
- Mm-hm.

ILLYA: Mm-mm.
- Mm-hm.

ILLYA:
Hmm?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Hold it.

GUARD:
I've arranged everything.

- Your mom has been sterilized.
SIMON: Good.

- That's Mr. Sparrow.
- You know him?

Cool's daughter and the agent,
where are they?

Locked in the attic.
If you want my opinion--

SIMON: I don't want your opinion, Kalmus.
KALMUS: Yes, sir.

Sparrow Foundation
built my father's observatory.

He used to visit all the time.

He gives me the creeps.

They've left one guard.

And they still don't know about the bar.

Would you mind turning around while
I take the elastic out of my underpants?

[ILLYA GRUNTING]

All right, you can tum around now.

Ooh, such talent going to waste.

Wait, I'm going with you.

ILLYA:
No, you're not. You'd be in my way.

I'm going.

That's what I said, you're going with me.

What is it?

I don't like to say it,
but it look likes your father's asteroid.

KALMUS:
An excellent deduction, Mr. Kuryakin.

I'm sure Mr. Sparrow
will be delighted to see you again.

[RADIO SIGNAL BEEPING]

DR. COOL: What is the position
of the asteroid now, Dr. Trebush?

TREBUSH:
A little less than 100,000 miles away.

At the rate it's going,
it should reach us in two hours.

[RADAR RINGING]

Your boyfriend doesn't
do anything halfway, does he?

[FOOTSTEPS]

SIMON: Drop those two
when we get over to the ocean.

- Prepare to take 0”. Closing hatch.
KALMUS: Hold it.

Okay.

Hatch closing, taking off.

[RADAR RINGING]

DR. COOL:
What is it, doctor?

TREBUSH: The asteroid
seems to have stopped in space.

Stopped? Perhaps--

WAVERLY:
Shh, shh, shh.

TREBUSH:
Something else moving in the same orbit.

It appears to be a drone or a satellite,
moving on its own power.

Dr. Cool, is that the way you see it?

I beg your pardon.

We've been hearing
Dr. Trebush's account.

With all due respect to him,
we'd like to hear yours.

TREBUSH [WHISPERING]:
Go ahead, doctor, but don't forget Coco.

Well, Mr. Waverly, gentlemen...

DR. COOL:
Everybody, listen to me--

[GRUNTING]

L...

[DR. COOL MOANS]

TREBUSH:
Must have had a heart attack.

TREBUSH:
They're almost directly above us.

Attention, people of the Earth.

[OVER RADIO]
Do your have anyone...

...who can speak for you?

I am Ra Mandu,
representative of the Council of Nations.

I have been selected to speak to you
by the people of the world.

[OVER RADIO]
What are your terms?

We demand very little of you,
just as we have demanded little...

...of other planets we have taken
into our sphere of influence.

Only that you recognize
our superior power.

You will go on as before.

We do not desire to bend you
to our culture or to our ways.

Only to our technology.

You will be entering on an era...

...that you would have not reached
in another hundred years.

We have already landed
an advance detachment an the Earth.

It may surprise you...

...but the difference between our people
and yours is barely perceptible.

We have considered
your systems of government...

...and found them totally deficient
and inoperable.

A fact home out by your own inability
to get along with each other.

Therefore, we have decided
to select one Earth man...

...who will govern you
and be responsible only to us.

Our advance guard is already with him.

He will be your world leader.

Simon Sparrow.

SIMON:
Bring those two over here.

You don't belong here.

[KALMUS SCREAMS]

[GRUNTING AND GROANING]

Have you gone crazy back there?

Corinne?

Hello? Hello?

Are you still there?

SOLO:
Take the ship down.

All that time,
living with that terrible anguish.

I wanted to tell the truth but I couldn't.

We understand, Adrian. We understand.

COCO: Don't worry, Papa.
At the last minute, you did the right thing.

Oh! And my back still hurts.

Alex, will I be able to stay on here
at the observatory?

WAVERLY: Well, the late Mr. Sparrow
is the only one who could've evicted you.

And he's in no position
to do anything about it.

Excuse me, Mr. Waverly.

Miss Ackers and I have an engagement
on the mainland.

We're going to have dinner
and go to a movie.

It's all about Martians and spaceships...

[RADAR RINGING]

That's curious.

There appears to be another strange object
heading this way.

It's moving in a rather erratic manner.

Alex, do you suppose
this time it could be...?

I doubt it, Adrian. I doubt it.

But one of these days, my friend.

One of these days.

[ENGLISH SDH]