The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 3, Episode 15 - The Jingle Bells Affair - full transcript
The leader of a country (who appears to be modeled on Nikita Kruschev) is visiting New York City. Solo and Kuryakin must protect him from assassination attempts.
[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
Now, what is the delay?
Uh, it's a parade, sir.
You had better lean back,
comrade chairman.
The assassins, they can be anywhere.
I'm a very fortunate man, Mr. Solo.
To have security chief
who cares so much about my welfare.
But, uh, sometimes, Radish.
you overdo it, no?
But what is this parade?
Uh, it's the annual
Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.
Macy's? What are Macy's?
It's a department store, sir.
and a very famous one.
The parade has become
a national institution.
Ah.
It marks the beginning
of the Christmas shopping season.
Yes, the time when the rich get richer
and the poor get poorer, no?
Well, that's not exactly the intent,
but you probably have a point.
Parades, circuses.
Anything to help to exploit the masses, eh?
This is the time of the year,
comrade chairman...
...when the working class
is tossed a bone.
And this bone is wrapped
in such a pretty paper...
...and tied with such a beautiful ribbon,
that you can't find the worm in it.
Is that not so?
Not so, Mr. Radish.
Uh, if you were lucky enough
to find a worm...
...Macy's will be pleased to give you
double your money back.
- Ha, ha, ha.
RADISH: Lies, lies.
Always with the imperialist lies.
You always--
KOZ:
All right, Radish.
I don't wanna have another earache.
So will you please shut up?
[PROTESTING INDISTINCTLY]
Long live the peace-loving peoples
of the world.
MAN 1: Back off!
MAN 2: Order, order.
[CROWD BOOING]
Look out, Napoleon.
[WHISTLES]
So now there's an assassin loose
in the city.
And if he finds his mark,
the peace of the world will be endangered.
Well, we're not absolutely certain
that it was an assassination attempt, sir.
The bomb was hardly
more than a firecracker.
Perhaps he threw it at the chairman
just to, uh, ruffle him a bit.
And thereby create
a rather nasty incident.
I see.
Well, so long as Chairman Koz
is a guest in this country...
...we can't allow him to be killed,
or even ruffled, Mr. Kuryakin.
Especially now...
...when his attitude towards the West
has undergone such a dramatic change.
He,um...
He speaks of coexistence these days.
Friendship.
And who knows?
He may be sincere.
Any rate, we can't permit any incident
to alter his present views.
We're doing all we can, sir.
Intelligence has compiled a list
of all of his known enemies in the area...
...and we have them under surveillance.
Yes, I'm well aware of that.
Perhaps we should look
into some of his friends.
I gather not all of them are in favor
of his call for friendship with the West.
All right, gentlemen, don't wait.
Oh, uh, one thing more.
Chairman Koz is very grateful
for your assistance today.
He is looking forward
to thanking you personally.
- Really?
- Yes. Really, Mr. Kuryakin, really.
For you, my friend, in gratitude...
...and in the name
of the People's Republic...
...I present you
with a Sergei Prutkin Coexistence Award.
Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.
KOZ:
Mm, mm.
KOZ:
And to you, my friend...
...I present
the Elena Prutkin Coexistence Award.
Ah. Mm, mm.
Oh, I should perhaps explain to you
that Elena Prutkin and Sergei Prutkin...
...of the Workers' League...
...died at the age of 105 and 103.
Oh, yes.
You know.
they have been married 87 years.
A record for coexistence.
[WHISPERS]
Comrade chairman.
- Comrade chairman.
- Huh?
- Please, comrade chairman.
- Excuse me.
- What is it?
- Comrade chairman.
I do not trust these two young men.
They are, after all,
agents of a decadent and corrupt society.
As chief of security, I--
Now, how can you learn anything
about a people and its culture, Maxim...
...when every time you see
a non-party member...
...you just jump like it was a snake?
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
But comrade chairman--
Now, listen. Now, yesterday.
there was a foolish attempt to kill me.
- That's right, that's right.
- Now, who saved me?
You, Maxim? My security chief? Hmm?
Or was it those two young boys...
...that I gave a Sergei and Elena, huh?
I didn't come to this country
just for foolish arguments...
...either with you or the capitalists.
I came to learn all about agriculture,
education and consumer goods.
Even from a corrupt society.
Oh, yeah. Yes.
Speaking of the, uh, consumer goods...
...that store
that had the parade yesterday, uh...
- Macy's?
- Macy's, yes. Yes, I heard about that.
Uh, it is a very big store, no?
It's the largest store in the world.
I'd like to see that great citadel...
...of bourgeois expectations
and the profit system, yes.
So we will go to Macy's.
Uh, well, chairman, I'm afraid
that might pose a security problem.
What? Security?
Uh, Macy's got
a, uh, military installation too?
Uh, what Mr. Solo means is that
it might be difficult to protect you.
That's what they said about Disneyland.
Ha-ha-ha.
Similar problem, large crowds.
And it's only a few weeks before Christmas.
Ha, Christmas again.
Maxim, enough.
Do you want me
to be happy in America, gentlemen?
- Well, yes, we'd like that very much.
KOZ: Don't make me unhappy.
I got lots of trouble from Mr. Radish.
- Well, so we go to Macy's, yes?
- Yes.
And of course with, uh, Mr. Macy himself
to conduct the tour.
[CHUCKLES]
Protocol.
[DRUM BEATING AND BELL RINGING]
Um, very pretty girl, uh.
What branch of the service is she in?
Well, she's in a special kind of army.
Collecting money for the poor.
Merry Christmas.
Ah, yeah, social security.
Uh, yeah, in a manner of speaking.
Merry Christmas.
Twenty denjiks?
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING,
PEOPLE CHATTERING]
I must admit, Mr. Macy.
this is all very impressive.
I didn't realize you had so much goods.
Oh, most of our stock is kept in warehouses
throughout the city, Mr. Chairman.
- What you see here are only floor samples.
- It's a lie.
MACY:
I beg your pardon?
It's a lie. The whole thing is setup
for propaganda purposes only.
Ordinary working people
cannot afford things like this.
If we sold only to the rich, Mr. Radish...
...Macy's would have gone
out of business long ago.
As a matter of fact,
nearly all the items we sell here...
...are within reach of the average family,
Ha, ha.
A lot they care about an average family.
Macy's cares a great deal
about all its customers.
Apparently, the feeling is reciprocated.
You need only take a sampling
of housewives.
Hey, you. Are you an average housewife?
Maxim, shut up.
Oh, will you please excuse
my friend, madam?
He's a little too full of revolutionary zeal.
MACY:
There anything particular you'd like to see?
Oh, let me think. I've already seen
the tractors and the pneumatic drills.
- Oh, yes, one thing.
- Yes, sir?
Well, uh, it crossed my mind
to bring back a little gift for my wife.
Let it be our gift as well, Mr. Chairman.
Is there anything you have in mind?
Uh...
Mr. Chairman was impressed
by something we just passed upstairs.
A nightgown.
A frilly one, uh.
with, uh, I think, black lace.
- A-- A nightgown?
- It was upstairs.
What's the matter, Maxim?
Isn't my wife entitled to a nightgown?
KOZ:
Humph.
KOZ:
Well...
Well, what do you think? Nice, huh?
With our winter, she will freeze to death.
Humph. Always the pragmatist.
I'll take it.
Well, may I ask what size
Madam Koz wears?
Well, uh, she about...
No, uh, maybe...
In OI" COUHUY, women are women.
Yes. You know, they're... Ahem.
- Excuse me.
- Hmm?
Um, I'd like to get this heel repaired.
I think the shoe repair is downstairs.
Hello again. How are you?
- I beg your pardon?
- We don't really know each other...
...but I noticed you
when we were coming in from outside.
- Oh, there's that man.
- Who?
- The one who caused all this trouble.
- What?
My broken heel.
He's the one who gave me...
Twenty" Twenty denjiks.
- Twenty denjiks.
- Mm-hm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
That's worth, at the current
rate of exchange, 50 cents in America.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Um,you...
You say the basement?
Uh, basement, yeah. That's downstairs.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Uh, tell me.
Isn't that the social-security girl?
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, you will see her again.
- I will?
- Yes.
In my country, there's an old folk rhyme:
The girl that you see twice
Within the same day
You will see he! again
Before she goes away.
Well, uh, of course,
it loses a little bit in translation.
Mr. Chairman, this is what you might call
our planning room and center of operations.
This is especially true now,
with Thanksgiving behind us...
...and Christmas dead ahead.
Now, I don't know
how familiar you may be...
...with our Thanksgiving Day Parade,
but, uh...
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
[LAUGHING]
- Mr. Chairman.
- Huh?
I don't know how familiar you may be...
...with our annual
Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Oh, well, the par--
The parade we saw yesterday.
Nice, very nice.
Parades, I know all about.
In my country--
- Who is that?
- Excuse me?
That, with the white beard
and the red suit and the big red nose.
Oh-ho-ho, you mean Santa Claus.
Actually, he's, uh.
just modeling the costume...
...our Santas are going to wear.
- You're not ashamed, Mr. Macy?
- I--?
It is not enough in your country
that you exploit the poor?
You also have to have
an organized seduction of children, eh?
Maxim, enough, enough,
you sound like our newspaper editorials.
Uh, tell me, Mr. Macy...
...but where do you get
these Santa Clauses?
Oh, from appropriate agencies.
I understand some of the stores get them
from a number of Santa Claus schools...
...organized for the purpose.
- Schools?
MACY: Yes.
You see, our Santas have to learn
how to handle small children.
[LAUGHING]
A Santa Claus school. Ha, ha.
That I gotta see.
I think that can be arranged,
Mr. Chairman.
Happy birthday, Mr. Chairman.
May I wish you many more years
of service to humanity.
Thank you, thank you.
MACY: That was thoughtful
of our pastry department.
- I do wish they told me about it--
- You didn't know about it?
No, I didn't know.
RADISH: Uh, it was a surprise to me too.
Uh, I didn't know about the cake.
I'll have a piece anyway.
Don't touch that cake.
Something wrong, Radish. Aah.
PIFNIC:
Thanks.
[BLOWS]
Hey, stupid.
- Yes, comrade.
- You fish-head, you nothing.
- You failed again, eh?
- But--
You and your lousy birthday cake.
But, comrade, you told me just--
Not to kill him. Just to frighten him.
You think your homemade bombs
could scare Georgi Koz?
The giant of the revolution,
the hero of the war...
...the holder 01a Medal of the Motherland
with 14 clusters?
Well, excuse me, comrade.
But the idea about the bomb
in the cake, it was yours.
So I'm a fish-head too. Heh. Imagine.
Georgi Koz, the Bear of the Balkans...
...talking coexistence and listening
to the sly seductions of imperialists.
I tell you the man is sick, sick, sick, sick.
Yes, Maxim, yes.
This kind of a sickness cannot be cured
with popguns' explosions.
This time, he must die.
Living in a dream world
of Santa Claus schools yet.
Has the man no shame? Santa Claus--
Santa Claus.
[SINGING TO TUNE OF “JINGLE BELLS“]
Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa, da, da, da
[HUMMING]
“Jingle Bells.“
- Pifnic?
- Hmm?
It is possible I might have the solution.
[GUNSHOTS ON TV]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Yes?
Oh.
Yes, Maxim?
I'm sorry if I disturbed you,
Mr. Chairman.
Oh, it's all right.
I was just watching television.
- What they call a Western.
- Ha, ha.
- Ah, well, sit down, help yourself.
- Thank you.
Maxim, tell me.
why can't we make such movies?
You know something, comrade chairman?
I've been thinking.
Oh? Well, it's never too late, Maxim.
Thinking what, for instance?
Oh, many things, really.
How one lives and learns,
even if it takes a lifetime.
Hmm.
I never had your talent
for understanding history...
...and people and their culture.
I get a feeling that somehow...
...this is the true cornerstone
of your leadership.
That is no doubt true, Maxim.
You see, life is a book
that must be opened.
You have to use your eyes
and your ears...
...and-- And your common sense
with which you were born.
However little.
It is a pity that one must learn
these things so late in life.
Well, good night, Mr. Chairman.
Good night.
Oh.
When are you going to visit
the Santa Claus School?
- The what?
- The Santa Claus school, remember?
Oh, that. Ha, ha, ha.
Well, something I said
on the spur of the moment.
Oh, that's, uh...
That's ridiculous to bother.
Well, but that's just the point.
The way you get along
with people ordinary people.
Little people.
Yes, uh.
I think I do have talent for that.
And remember you said yourself
that, uh, you came over here to learn.
Uh-huh.
And maybe make new friends
for our system, eh?
Huh. Ha-ha-ha.
Ha. But it's so funny.
Georgi Koz at a school for Santa Clauses.
You know, the idea is so ridiculous
that it is beginning to appeal to me.
Arrange it, Radish.
Oh, how I wish I come along too
so I could learn.
- But unfortunately--
- No, no, no, no, please.
No, I gotta go myself.
You know, the, uh...
There's a word like that.
Uh, “incognito," yes.
Because I'll learn that way
much more. Hmm.
- All by yourself?
- Yes.
- It could be dangerous.
- Ah.
Well, then.
I'll go with the U.N.C.L.E. people.
With those two nice guys. Hmm.
All right, I will arrange it.
Uh, when would you like to come?
- Tomorrow night.
- It will be done.
- Good night.
- Good night.
[CHUCKLES]
[ALL SINGING
“GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN"]
That, uh, old folk rhyme...
- I guess there's something to it.
- Yeah.
But there's another old folk rhyme.
And it's got to do with your next step.
Uh, if you'll forgive me, sir.
Mr. Napoleon here knows the next step.
- Can I help you?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, we're just looking.
That's how I'm getting,
uh, my education.
Hey, a thought just came to me.
I mean, it the guy's really hard up
with that accent...
...he ought to be able to pick up
a few days' work...
...at one of them Polish jamborees
on Long Island.
Well, that's a very good idea,
Mr. O'Reilly.
- How's your heel?
- My...?
Oh, it's you again.
It must be, uh, kismet.
And an old folk rhyme.
Would you like to sit down
and I'll give you some coffee?
KOZ: Thank you, thank you.
- Chairman?
That other car. That other car
should have been here already.
We'll synchronize our watches, please.
It is exactly 8:24, 8:24.
Now, we'll go in six minutes.
I think we've made
quite a lot of good progress today.
But first, I want you to check over
some points from Mr. O'Reilly here...
...who is, I'm always happy to say,
one of our finest students.
That's a fact.
You know. I was as much a down-and-out,
untouchable-type slob as any of you fellas.
[LAUGHS]
Okay, Fred, wanna try again?
All right, come on, pal.
Let's try it again.
Well, this time, like your heart
is full of love and mistletoe...
...and you're looking right into
the bright blue eyes of this poor little kid...
...that's just standing there,
picking his nose.
So, what do you say?
Ho-ho-ho!
Have you been a good boy today?
“Ho-ho-ho“?
What does it mean, “ho-ho-ho“?
Hold it right there, buster.
Did anybody ask you to come in here
and tell us how to run the school?
[CHUCKLES DERISIVELY]
We", even a parrot
with the brains 01a pigeon could do better.
No, a thing like this needs fire.
It needs spirit, it needs life.
How can you--? How can you think
that I can come to my 14 grandchildren...
...and say, "Ho-ho-ho“?
I'll tell you how you can come
to your 14 grand--
Gentlemen, gentlemen, don't you think
we can discuss this a little more calmly?
Look, nobody asked you, mister.
- Now, listen, Ioudmouth.
- Yeah?
Since you know so much about this racket,
why don't you put on a suit?
Is he possibly addressing me?
I am possibly addressing you.
Put up or shut up.
All right now, come on.
You can change right behind
this curtain over there.
All right, now we will see
what we have learned...
...from all those old gangster movies
you saw today.
Remember, this is Operation obliteration.
No survivors, no mercy.
And above all, please, please, no mistakes.
We go in-- Aah!
In two and a half minutes.
Get ready, please.
Ho-ho-ho!
Now, my friends, I will show you
the way your Santa Claus should look.
Yes, please. 01 course, if there was
such a person as Santa Claus.
Which is, of course, absolutely ridiculous
in a people's democracy.
Young lady, will you please sit at my lap?
Ah, wait, uh, just a minute, pal.
- I'll sit on your lap.
- You?
Yes, me.
You just make believe I'm a little boy.
Ha. Well, that would be difficult, get off.
It would be much easier for me
to get in the mood with the young lady.
[KOZ SIGHS]
Oh, no, you don't.
She ain't gonna be sitting
in that lap of yours.
I had you figured
right from the beginning--
If you weren't such an old man,
I would just--
- Old man? Who you calling an old man?
- I would break your neck.
Why, I could take you
if I was lying on me deathbed.
- All right, fatso, you wanna be Santa Claus?
- Yeah!
We", come on, then.
What you need is a red nose.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
How do you like that?
[ALL SINGING
“O LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM"]
I think this moment
may go down in history.
He certainly looks like Santa Claus.
Very red.
[GUNSHOTS]
[GLASS BREAKING, PEOPLE SCREAMING]
Murderers! Assassins!
- Murderers, I defy you--
ILLYA: Get down!
[GUNSHOT]
KOZ: Traitors! Fascists!
Somebody give me a gun!
We gotta get him out of here.
ILLYA: Those stairs, where do they go?
- To the rooftop.
Good, you two go.
We'll-- We'll cover you.
- Go ahead. She'll take care of you.
- No, no, I'll stay here.
I will die with my boots on.
We've got an old folk rhyme too:
He who fights and runs away
Lives to fight another day.
- Now, go on.
- Just a minute.
You go on three. You ready? One, two...
ILLYA:
Go!
[GUNSHOTS]
[MEN COUGHING]
PIFNIC: Keep them down, keep them pinned
down, I'll catch Koz on the root. Wait here.
[MEN COUGHING]
[MEN COUGHING]
[GUNSHOT]
[KOZ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[GUNSHOTS]
You gangsters,
sometimes you make me sick.
KOZ:
Oh, Priscilla.
PRISCILLA:
Oh, keep going, keep going.
[KOZ MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
[GUN CLICKS]
[ILLYA GRUNTING]
[GUN CLICKING]
SOLO: Forget him, we're after Koz.
We'd better split up.
All right, you check the 1001,
I'll take below.
PRISCILLA: It's hoodlums like you
that make the streets of this city unsafe.
And while I don't like to say it...
...well, you're a disgrace
to the uniform you're wearing.
[PRISCILLA GRUNTS]
KOZ:
Well, Priscilla...
Radish...
Radish was right.
Oh, for once, he was correct.
[KOZ PANTING]
Listen, I came herein friendship
like a fat dove.
Ha, ha.
I came here like the pigeon to the foxes.
Like the rabbit to the snake.
[KOZ SIGHS]
- You saw how they tried to kill me.
- Haven't I seen you some place before?
Yeah. Maybe at...
At Macy's or in front of Macy's.
Oh, my. ML Kat.
Yeah, Chairman Koz.
Can I...?
Would you like some coffee?
No, you got vodka?
Oh. No, sir.
We-- We don't exactly approve, sir.
Who cares what they approve or not?
Don't you try and bully me, Mr. Koz.
Oh, I'm so sorry, darling.
Aw.
You, of all people.
You know, that history
will remember you for saving my life...
...from hands of the capitalist assassins.
WOMAN [KNOCKING ON DOOR]:
Priscilla.
- Murderers. Don't let them--
- It's only Mrs. Gropkin.
Priscilla, like an angel of mercy,
would you come and take a look at my boy?
All daylong with chills
and fits of coughing.
Eleven handkerchiefs already.
I-- I've tried everything
and nothing seems to help.
No, that is always under the profit system.
- Pamper the rich and perish the poor.
- Never mind with the social messages.
Just" Just put your heard back on.
It could help my boy.
Who is this woman that insults me?
I got no time for arguments.
I need all the help I can get.
- It could help, you know.
- Yeah.
Mr. Chairman?
I'm sorry, uh, wrong Santa Claus.
Santa?
Who else would it be? Say something.
Ho-ho-ho.
[CHUCKLING]
Are you real?
Real? Oh, you think it's a fake?
[CHUCKLING]
Now, my boy. Ahem.
There's something
you wanna ask Santa Claus, huh?
A favor? A present? You know.
Something that one
of my departments can get.
I'm going to die.
- What are you talking about?
- I know. That's why you're here.
When they know you're gonna die,
they send for Santa Claus early.
[CRYING]
Never I heard anything as foolish as that.
Not since the day
when my Central Committee...
[CLEARS THROAT THEN SIGHS]
Now, listen to me.
You're not going to die.
No, you're going to live.
And now, the only thing
you've got to do 24 hours a day...
...just to get as strong as an ex.
Understand that?
Well, this is an order.
[KOZ SIGHS]
Goodbye.
Uh...
Dr. sigmoid, my personal physician,
will be here...
...to see the boy in the morning.
A Bowery dropout
with a personal physician?
- Priscilla, what kind 01a nut"?
- I'll explain more, Mrs. Gropkin, later.
But he really does mean it.
These doctors, they can't
even tell me what the trouble is.
I know all about that sickness
and how to fight it.
Well, my son had it many years ago.
- And he recovered?
- No.
Well, that's why my country spent millions,
so that other children would live.
- You were very kind, Mr. Koz.
- You ought to be ashamed.
Feeding myths to defenseless children?
Humph.
Christmas? Santa Claus?
If you would calm yourself
long enough to listen, Mr. Koz...
...I'd be happy to tell you that Christmas,
in its actual meaning...
...is something more profound and beautiful
than anything you've ever imagined.
It's about a child, a Jewish baby...
-...born not quite 2000 years ago.
- Well...
And I, for one.
have never believed it a myth.
If you don't mind,
will you please call my hotel?
I want to talk to Dr. sigmoid.
- God will bless you.
- Never mind who will bless me.
And tell them to send a limousine
to take me from this mad nest of assassins.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Yes, IIIya.
I trust you haven't had any better luck
than I have.
I think it's useless. They could have
gone down any one of a dozen fire escapes.
Then we'd better call headquarters.
Mr. Waverly isn't going to be very happy.
Right.
Is that all you can say
in defense of what happened?
- You lost him?
SOLO: I'm afraid so, sir.
I don't understand how the attack
on the machine could have happened.
- No one knew he was going to be there.
- Radish knew.
I would think you'd wanna
pursue that further, gentlemen.
In the meantime,
Chairman Koz is back in his hotel suite...
...renouncing coexistence
at the top of his lungs.
And calling every citizen
of New York a fascist...
...with the single exception
of one young lady.
And we know who that is.
I would suggest you call on Chairman Koz
directly and apologize for what happened.
- Now?
- Yes, now.
In the absence of efficiency,
we are compelled to resort to charm.
Oh, when tomorrow,
I address the general assembly...
...of the United Nations, you know,
they will understand...
...that I have had coexistence up to here.
Not only to here, to here!
There can be no peace...
...until the capitalist serpents
have been expelled...
...from the garden of brotherhood.
Well, when I came here,
I came in friendship.
I offered my hands.
So, what did they do?
They tried to chew it off, to the elbow.
Now, this, I tell you...
...is the friendship of cannibals
and traitors and murderers!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
See who it is.
Chairman Koz,
we'd like to tell you how happy we are...
...that, uh, you survived
that unfortunate incident today.
It has been both our policy and pleasure
to protect you at all times--
KOZ:
Protect?
I could've gotten a better protection from
the starving tiger with two sets of teeth.
Protect?
If it wasn't for that sweet young lady,
I'd be dead just like our friendship.
- Oh, I think there's been, uh--
- Out!
--A little misunderstanding
which we can correct.
Correct?
If you don't mind, why don't you correct
the fact I ever met you?
My young men, you better go home
and put your television on...
...and listen to my speech.
If we had a cold war,
now you'll see we'll have a blizzard!
Out!
You heard what the chairman said, out!
[KOZ SIGHS]
I'm afraid we've watched over the chairman
for the last time.
I think we should turn our attention
to Mr. Radish, hmm?
- Oh! Comrade Maxim?
- So you failed again, eh?
Please, please, comrade,
give me another chance, hmm?
That's why I'm here.
You will attach this
beneath Chairman Koz's limousine.
- It's a bomb.
- Yes, and it is not one of your toys.
Now, listen, Pifnic. Tomorrow at 2:00...
...Comrade Koz will leave his hotel
to address the United Nations.
- Yes, I know.
- He's supposed to arrive there 2:30.
The bomb is setup to go off
exactly at 2:15.
Bloom , bu-boom'.!
And Comrade Koz will be history.
[LAUGHING]
No use to worry, then.
about doctrinal purity, eh?
- Excuse me, comrade, a thought.
- Yes?
- I'm supposed to be driving the limousine.
- Oh, you? Oh, you.
You will be buried
as a hero of the revolution. Oh, yeah.
- Hmm, well, thank you, comrade.
- Mm-hm.
RADISH: Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, my own day shall come.
I'm afraid not, Mr. Radish.
MAN: You better don't move.
- I'm afraid so, Mr. Solo.
RADISH: And your days
and the days of your friend...
...are just about concluded.
[GOBBLING]
You know, I've always been very fond
of turkey for lunch.
I don't think he's going to take the hint.
- Ugh.
- What time is it?
Uh, it's exactly 2:00, my friends.
Uh, in 15 minutes...
...we shall mourn the passing
of my dearest friend, Chairman Georgi Koz.
[BOMB TIMER TICKING]
Go home, go home.
After you hear my speech,
you will not want my autograph.
PRISCILLA:
Mr. Koz. Mr." Mr. Koz.
Let that young lady get through.
Mr. Koz, it's me, Priscilla.
- Ah.
- Mr. Koz, you gotta come with me.
Alex needs you.
There's no one else who can help.
- What happened?
- Alex Gropkin.
They-- They think he's dying.
He-- He won't take his medicine
without you.
Comrade chairman, excuse me.
It is three minutes after 2.
But this is Dr. Sigmoid's department.
I did what I could.
- I sent him to you.
- Dr. sigmoid sent me to get you.
Yes, but the United Nations
is waiting, my dear.
For my speech, all humanity is waiting.
A child is waiting, Mr. Koz.
Oh, but you people.
You talk about humanity and people.
I'm talking about one child.
One little boy.
Correction, it is four minutes after 2.
I-- I'm sorry, very sorry. Really.
You're going to be sorrier
if you don't come--
If you don't come with me.
It is now five minutes after 2.
I can see him now, my old friend,
Georgi Koz...
...on his way to the United Nations...
...drinking in the roar of the crowd
like the wine of youth.
Mm-hm. The Bear of the Balkans
has become the Ham of the Balkans.
In less than 10 minutes, you couldn't
exchange him for a dried skin 01a mouse.
It is now six minutes after 2.
What time's lunch?
Oh, anytime at all, Mr. Kuryakin.
At your pleasure, anytime.
Anytime at all, anytime at all.
[TURKEYS GOBBLING]
When I say that it was all your fault
that Alex had this relapse...
...I'm don't mean to suggest
that you intended it that way.
You're the one Saint Nicholas
in whom he has been truly able to believe.
Oh, yes, uh...
...some people have a talent
with children.
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
Uh, what is the delay?
Why the Army can't clear up the path
through the street?
RADISH:
It is now 10 minutes after 2.
Hmm, as I mentioned before...
...the time factor is final, irreversible.
The device itself, no matter how small,
has the power to move mountains.
No, no less the chairman's limousine.
[CHUCKLES]
It is now 11 minutes past 2.
Aah. It's too late, Georgi--
[GOBBLING]
- Driver, what time do you have?
- The time?
It is 12 minutes after 2,
comrade chairman.
[BOMB TIMER TICKING]
In spite of all the good
your Dr. sigmoid has done...
...Alex's temperature is 103
and still climbing when I left.
Through it all, he kept calling
for that Santa Claus, meaning you.
Young lady, can't you understand
that this is--?
Well, all right, all right,
I'll do it after I finish my speech.
It will be too late.
All right, what is the address?
Oh, it's across town.
Tum around!
I-- I can't, comrade chairman.
- The traffic, it's all stuck.
KOZ: You feel.
Don't you understand that the life
of a small child is at stake?
- There's a subway, right over there.
- Driver, we're getting out.
I think I see the car.
[BOMB TIMER TICKING]
The-- My car?
Another 10 seconds and...
Oh, it's a good thing
I don't believe in miracles...
...because if I did, that was a miracle.
What are you doing?
This is my speech for the United Nations.
I'm about to tum off a blizzard.
Isn't that a miracle too?
All right, Alex.
open up your mouth, please.
- Say “aah.“
ALEX: Aah.
That “aah“ sounded pretty good,
Dr. sigmoid.
Now, breathe deep.
PRISCILLA:
Ah. Thank you.
I wish it was a mistletoe.
Oh, Mr. Solo, you are a gay one,
aren't you?
Only, uh, on holidays.
You started to tell me
about Radish and Pifnic?
Oh, yes.
At last report, they were stowed away
in the hold of a cargo vessel...
...bound for their homeland.
Chairman Koz mentioned them
being in a poultry pen, I believe.
Your move.
Well, now, Alex, you may get up now.
Put on your bathrobe, enjoy the holiday.
He's gonna be all right?
All right? Ha! He's going to be perfect.
[CRYING]
Oh, Alex.
Did you hear, Priscilla?
He's gonna be all right.
PRISCILLA: Oh, that's wonderful.
I'm so happy.
- We're all, all very happy, Mrs. Gropkin.
- Thank you. Thank you.
You're a wonderful doctor.
I only wish you had your practice
on the East Side.
Believe me,
I don't know how to thank you.
Not me, Mrs. Gropkin.
Just thank Chairman Koz.
His visit to Alex, that was the thing.
You don't think I'd love to thank him.
But how?
I read in the papers
he's going home today.
KOZ:
Ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
MRS. GROPKIN: Oh!
KOZ:
Merry Christmas, everybody.
MRS. GROPKIN: Oh, Mr. Koz.
KOZ: Merry Christmas, children. Here.
- Oh, Mr. Koz.
- Chairman Koz.
Well, uh, if you want to call me Mr. Koz,
you call me Mr. Koz. Ha-ha-ha.
Alex, he's gonna be all right.
Well, naturally. Didn't I tell you?
Merry Christmas.
- Oh!
- Alex, my boy, Alex, come here.
This is all for you.
[CHUCKLING]
Ah-ha-ha, you'll find wonderful things here.
Sit down, my boy.
Merry Christmas.
Uh, Mr. Macy.
Uh, Mr. Macy.
what I told at the United Nations...
...all about friendship and coexistence...
...you know, it can get me into
a quite little trouble in my country.
Well, so if I will lose my job over there...
...can I be a Santa Claus at Macy's?
- Ha. Anytime, Mr. Chairman. Anytime at all.
- Wonderful.
[LAUGHING]
Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
[ENGLISH SDH]
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
Now, what is the delay?
Uh, it's a parade, sir.
You had better lean back,
comrade chairman.
The assassins, they can be anywhere.
I'm a very fortunate man, Mr. Solo.
To have security chief
who cares so much about my welfare.
But, uh, sometimes, Radish.
you overdo it, no?
But what is this parade?
Uh, it's the annual
Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.
Macy's? What are Macy's?
It's a department store, sir.
and a very famous one.
The parade has become
a national institution.
Ah.
It marks the beginning
of the Christmas shopping season.
Yes, the time when the rich get richer
and the poor get poorer, no?
Well, that's not exactly the intent,
but you probably have a point.
Parades, circuses.
Anything to help to exploit the masses, eh?
This is the time of the year,
comrade chairman...
...when the working class
is tossed a bone.
And this bone is wrapped
in such a pretty paper...
...and tied with such a beautiful ribbon,
that you can't find the worm in it.
Is that not so?
Not so, Mr. Radish.
Uh, if you were lucky enough
to find a worm...
...Macy's will be pleased to give you
double your money back.
- Ha, ha, ha.
RADISH: Lies, lies.
Always with the imperialist lies.
You always--
KOZ:
All right, Radish.
I don't wanna have another earache.
So will you please shut up?
[PROTESTING INDISTINCTLY]
Long live the peace-loving peoples
of the world.
MAN 1: Back off!
MAN 2: Order, order.
[CROWD BOOING]
Look out, Napoleon.
[WHISTLES]
So now there's an assassin loose
in the city.
And if he finds his mark,
the peace of the world will be endangered.
Well, we're not absolutely certain
that it was an assassination attempt, sir.
The bomb was hardly
more than a firecracker.
Perhaps he threw it at the chairman
just to, uh, ruffle him a bit.
And thereby create
a rather nasty incident.
I see.
Well, so long as Chairman Koz
is a guest in this country...
...we can't allow him to be killed,
or even ruffled, Mr. Kuryakin.
Especially now...
...when his attitude towards the West
has undergone such a dramatic change.
He,um...
He speaks of coexistence these days.
Friendship.
And who knows?
He may be sincere.
Any rate, we can't permit any incident
to alter his present views.
We're doing all we can, sir.
Intelligence has compiled a list
of all of his known enemies in the area...
...and we have them under surveillance.
Yes, I'm well aware of that.
Perhaps we should look
into some of his friends.
I gather not all of them are in favor
of his call for friendship with the West.
All right, gentlemen, don't wait.
Oh, uh, one thing more.
Chairman Koz is very grateful
for your assistance today.
He is looking forward
to thanking you personally.
- Really?
- Yes. Really, Mr. Kuryakin, really.
For you, my friend, in gratitude...
...and in the name
of the People's Republic...
...I present you
with a Sergei Prutkin Coexistence Award.
Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.
KOZ:
Mm, mm.
KOZ:
And to you, my friend...
...I present
the Elena Prutkin Coexistence Award.
Ah. Mm, mm.
Oh, I should perhaps explain to you
that Elena Prutkin and Sergei Prutkin...
...of the Workers' League...
...died at the age of 105 and 103.
Oh, yes.
You know.
they have been married 87 years.
A record for coexistence.
[WHISPERS]
Comrade chairman.
- Comrade chairman.
- Huh?
- Please, comrade chairman.
- Excuse me.
- What is it?
- Comrade chairman.
I do not trust these two young men.
They are, after all,
agents of a decadent and corrupt society.
As chief of security, I--
Now, how can you learn anything
about a people and its culture, Maxim...
...when every time you see
a non-party member...
...you just jump like it was a snake?
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
But comrade chairman--
Now, listen. Now, yesterday.
there was a foolish attempt to kill me.
- That's right, that's right.
- Now, who saved me?
You, Maxim? My security chief? Hmm?
Or was it those two young boys...
...that I gave a Sergei and Elena, huh?
I didn't come to this country
just for foolish arguments...
...either with you or the capitalists.
I came to learn all about agriculture,
education and consumer goods.
Even from a corrupt society.
Oh, yeah. Yes.
Speaking of the, uh, consumer goods...
...that store
that had the parade yesterday, uh...
- Macy's?
- Macy's, yes. Yes, I heard about that.
Uh, it is a very big store, no?
It's the largest store in the world.
I'd like to see that great citadel...
...of bourgeois expectations
and the profit system, yes.
So we will go to Macy's.
Uh, well, chairman, I'm afraid
that might pose a security problem.
What? Security?
Uh, Macy's got
a, uh, military installation too?
Uh, what Mr. Solo means is that
it might be difficult to protect you.
That's what they said about Disneyland.
Ha-ha-ha.
Similar problem, large crowds.
And it's only a few weeks before Christmas.
Ha, Christmas again.
Maxim, enough.
Do you want me
to be happy in America, gentlemen?
- Well, yes, we'd like that very much.
KOZ: Don't make me unhappy.
I got lots of trouble from Mr. Radish.
- Well, so we go to Macy's, yes?
- Yes.
And of course with, uh, Mr. Macy himself
to conduct the tour.
[CHUCKLES]
Protocol.
[DRUM BEATING AND BELL RINGING]
Um, very pretty girl, uh.
What branch of the service is she in?
Well, she's in a special kind of army.
Collecting money for the poor.
Merry Christmas.
Ah, yeah, social security.
Uh, yeah, in a manner of speaking.
Merry Christmas.
Twenty denjiks?
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING,
PEOPLE CHATTERING]
I must admit, Mr. Macy.
this is all very impressive.
I didn't realize you had so much goods.
Oh, most of our stock is kept in warehouses
throughout the city, Mr. Chairman.
- What you see here are only floor samples.
- It's a lie.
MACY:
I beg your pardon?
It's a lie. The whole thing is setup
for propaganda purposes only.
Ordinary working people
cannot afford things like this.
If we sold only to the rich, Mr. Radish...
...Macy's would have gone
out of business long ago.
As a matter of fact,
nearly all the items we sell here...
...are within reach of the average family,
Ha, ha.
A lot they care about an average family.
Macy's cares a great deal
about all its customers.
Apparently, the feeling is reciprocated.
You need only take a sampling
of housewives.
Hey, you. Are you an average housewife?
Maxim, shut up.
Oh, will you please excuse
my friend, madam?
He's a little too full of revolutionary zeal.
MACY:
There anything particular you'd like to see?
Oh, let me think. I've already seen
the tractors and the pneumatic drills.
- Oh, yes, one thing.
- Yes, sir?
Well, uh, it crossed my mind
to bring back a little gift for my wife.
Let it be our gift as well, Mr. Chairman.
Is there anything you have in mind?
Uh...
Mr. Chairman was impressed
by something we just passed upstairs.
A nightgown.
A frilly one, uh.
with, uh, I think, black lace.
- A-- A nightgown?
- It was upstairs.
What's the matter, Maxim?
Isn't my wife entitled to a nightgown?
KOZ:
Humph.
KOZ:
Well...
Well, what do you think? Nice, huh?
With our winter, she will freeze to death.
Humph. Always the pragmatist.
I'll take it.
Well, may I ask what size
Madam Koz wears?
Well, uh, she about...
No, uh, maybe...
In OI" COUHUY, women are women.
Yes. You know, they're... Ahem.
- Excuse me.
- Hmm?
Um, I'd like to get this heel repaired.
I think the shoe repair is downstairs.
Hello again. How are you?
- I beg your pardon?
- We don't really know each other...
...but I noticed you
when we were coming in from outside.
- Oh, there's that man.
- Who?
- The one who caused all this trouble.
- What?
My broken heel.
He's the one who gave me...
Twenty" Twenty denjiks.
- Twenty denjiks.
- Mm-hm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
That's worth, at the current
rate of exchange, 50 cents in America.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Um,you...
You say the basement?
Uh, basement, yeah. That's downstairs.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Uh, tell me.
Isn't that the social-security girl?
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, you will see her again.
- I will?
- Yes.
In my country, there's an old folk rhyme:
The girl that you see twice
Within the same day
You will see he! again
Before she goes away.
Well, uh, of course,
it loses a little bit in translation.
Mr. Chairman, this is what you might call
our planning room and center of operations.
This is especially true now,
with Thanksgiving behind us...
...and Christmas dead ahead.
Now, I don't know
how familiar you may be...
...with our Thanksgiving Day Parade,
but, uh...
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
[LAUGHING]
- Mr. Chairman.
- Huh?
I don't know how familiar you may be...
...with our annual
Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Oh, well, the par--
The parade we saw yesterday.
Nice, very nice.
Parades, I know all about.
In my country--
- Who is that?
- Excuse me?
That, with the white beard
and the red suit and the big red nose.
Oh-ho-ho, you mean Santa Claus.
Actually, he's, uh.
just modeling the costume...
...our Santas are going to wear.
- You're not ashamed, Mr. Macy?
- I--?
It is not enough in your country
that you exploit the poor?
You also have to have
an organized seduction of children, eh?
Maxim, enough, enough,
you sound like our newspaper editorials.
Uh, tell me, Mr. Macy...
...but where do you get
these Santa Clauses?
Oh, from appropriate agencies.
I understand some of the stores get them
from a number of Santa Claus schools...
...organized for the purpose.
- Schools?
MACY: Yes.
You see, our Santas have to learn
how to handle small children.
[LAUGHING]
A Santa Claus school. Ha, ha.
That I gotta see.
I think that can be arranged,
Mr. Chairman.
Happy birthday, Mr. Chairman.
May I wish you many more years
of service to humanity.
Thank you, thank you.
MACY: That was thoughtful
of our pastry department.
- I do wish they told me about it--
- You didn't know about it?
No, I didn't know.
RADISH: Uh, it was a surprise to me too.
Uh, I didn't know about the cake.
I'll have a piece anyway.
Don't touch that cake.
Something wrong, Radish. Aah.
PIFNIC:
Thanks.
[BLOWS]
Hey, stupid.
- Yes, comrade.
- You fish-head, you nothing.
- You failed again, eh?
- But--
You and your lousy birthday cake.
But, comrade, you told me just--
Not to kill him. Just to frighten him.
You think your homemade bombs
could scare Georgi Koz?
The giant of the revolution,
the hero of the war...
...the holder 01a Medal of the Motherland
with 14 clusters?
Well, excuse me, comrade.
But the idea about the bomb
in the cake, it was yours.
So I'm a fish-head too. Heh. Imagine.
Georgi Koz, the Bear of the Balkans...
...talking coexistence and listening
to the sly seductions of imperialists.
I tell you the man is sick, sick, sick, sick.
Yes, Maxim, yes.
This kind of a sickness cannot be cured
with popguns' explosions.
This time, he must die.
Living in a dream world
of Santa Claus schools yet.
Has the man no shame? Santa Claus--
Santa Claus.
[SINGING TO TUNE OF “JINGLE BELLS“]
Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa, da, da, da
[HUMMING]
“Jingle Bells.“
- Pifnic?
- Hmm?
It is possible I might have the solution.
[GUNSHOTS ON TV]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Yes?
Oh.
Yes, Maxim?
I'm sorry if I disturbed you,
Mr. Chairman.
Oh, it's all right.
I was just watching television.
- What they call a Western.
- Ha, ha.
- Ah, well, sit down, help yourself.
- Thank you.
Maxim, tell me.
why can't we make such movies?
You know something, comrade chairman?
I've been thinking.
Oh? Well, it's never too late, Maxim.
Thinking what, for instance?
Oh, many things, really.
How one lives and learns,
even if it takes a lifetime.
Hmm.
I never had your talent
for understanding history...
...and people and their culture.
I get a feeling that somehow...
...this is the true cornerstone
of your leadership.
That is no doubt true, Maxim.
You see, life is a book
that must be opened.
You have to use your eyes
and your ears...
...and-- And your common sense
with which you were born.
However little.
It is a pity that one must learn
these things so late in life.
Well, good night, Mr. Chairman.
Good night.
Oh.
When are you going to visit
the Santa Claus School?
- The what?
- The Santa Claus school, remember?
Oh, that. Ha, ha, ha.
Well, something I said
on the spur of the moment.
Oh, that's, uh...
That's ridiculous to bother.
Well, but that's just the point.
The way you get along
with people ordinary people.
Little people.
Yes, uh.
I think I do have talent for that.
And remember you said yourself
that, uh, you came over here to learn.
Uh-huh.
And maybe make new friends
for our system, eh?
Huh. Ha-ha-ha.
Ha. But it's so funny.
Georgi Koz at a school for Santa Clauses.
You know, the idea is so ridiculous
that it is beginning to appeal to me.
Arrange it, Radish.
Oh, how I wish I come along too
so I could learn.
- But unfortunately--
- No, no, no, no, please.
No, I gotta go myself.
You know, the, uh...
There's a word like that.
Uh, “incognito," yes.
Because I'll learn that way
much more. Hmm.
- All by yourself?
- Yes.
- It could be dangerous.
- Ah.
Well, then.
I'll go with the U.N.C.L.E. people.
With those two nice guys. Hmm.
All right, I will arrange it.
Uh, when would you like to come?
- Tomorrow night.
- It will be done.
- Good night.
- Good night.
[CHUCKLES]
[ALL SINGING
“GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN"]
That, uh, old folk rhyme...
- I guess there's something to it.
- Yeah.
But there's another old folk rhyme.
And it's got to do with your next step.
Uh, if you'll forgive me, sir.
Mr. Napoleon here knows the next step.
- Can I help you?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, we're just looking.
That's how I'm getting,
uh, my education.
Hey, a thought just came to me.
I mean, it the guy's really hard up
with that accent...
...he ought to be able to pick up
a few days' work...
...at one of them Polish jamborees
on Long Island.
Well, that's a very good idea,
Mr. O'Reilly.
- How's your heel?
- My...?
Oh, it's you again.
It must be, uh, kismet.
And an old folk rhyme.
Would you like to sit down
and I'll give you some coffee?
KOZ: Thank you, thank you.
- Chairman?
That other car. That other car
should have been here already.
We'll synchronize our watches, please.
It is exactly 8:24, 8:24.
Now, we'll go in six minutes.
I think we've made
quite a lot of good progress today.
But first, I want you to check over
some points from Mr. O'Reilly here...
...who is, I'm always happy to say,
one of our finest students.
That's a fact.
You know. I was as much a down-and-out,
untouchable-type slob as any of you fellas.
[LAUGHS]
Okay, Fred, wanna try again?
All right, come on, pal.
Let's try it again.
Well, this time, like your heart
is full of love and mistletoe...
...and you're looking right into
the bright blue eyes of this poor little kid...
...that's just standing there,
picking his nose.
So, what do you say?
Ho-ho-ho!
Have you been a good boy today?
“Ho-ho-ho“?
What does it mean, “ho-ho-ho“?
Hold it right there, buster.
Did anybody ask you to come in here
and tell us how to run the school?
[CHUCKLES DERISIVELY]
We", even a parrot
with the brains 01a pigeon could do better.
No, a thing like this needs fire.
It needs spirit, it needs life.
How can you--? How can you think
that I can come to my 14 grandchildren...
...and say, "Ho-ho-ho“?
I'll tell you how you can come
to your 14 grand--
Gentlemen, gentlemen, don't you think
we can discuss this a little more calmly?
Look, nobody asked you, mister.
- Now, listen, Ioudmouth.
- Yeah?
Since you know so much about this racket,
why don't you put on a suit?
Is he possibly addressing me?
I am possibly addressing you.
Put up or shut up.
All right now, come on.
You can change right behind
this curtain over there.
All right, now we will see
what we have learned...
...from all those old gangster movies
you saw today.
Remember, this is Operation obliteration.
No survivors, no mercy.
And above all, please, please, no mistakes.
We go in-- Aah!
In two and a half minutes.
Get ready, please.
Ho-ho-ho!
Now, my friends, I will show you
the way your Santa Claus should look.
Yes, please. 01 course, if there was
such a person as Santa Claus.
Which is, of course, absolutely ridiculous
in a people's democracy.
Young lady, will you please sit at my lap?
Ah, wait, uh, just a minute, pal.
- I'll sit on your lap.
- You?
Yes, me.
You just make believe I'm a little boy.
Ha. Well, that would be difficult, get off.
It would be much easier for me
to get in the mood with the young lady.
[KOZ SIGHS]
Oh, no, you don't.
She ain't gonna be sitting
in that lap of yours.
I had you figured
right from the beginning--
If you weren't such an old man,
I would just--
- Old man? Who you calling an old man?
- I would break your neck.
Why, I could take you
if I was lying on me deathbed.
- All right, fatso, you wanna be Santa Claus?
- Yeah!
We", come on, then.
What you need is a red nose.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
How do you like that?
[ALL SINGING
“O LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM"]
I think this moment
may go down in history.
He certainly looks like Santa Claus.
Very red.
[GUNSHOTS]
[GLASS BREAKING, PEOPLE SCREAMING]
Murderers! Assassins!
- Murderers, I defy you--
ILLYA: Get down!
[GUNSHOT]
KOZ: Traitors! Fascists!
Somebody give me a gun!
We gotta get him out of here.
ILLYA: Those stairs, where do they go?
- To the rooftop.
Good, you two go.
We'll-- We'll cover you.
- Go ahead. She'll take care of you.
- No, no, I'll stay here.
I will die with my boots on.
We've got an old folk rhyme too:
He who fights and runs away
Lives to fight another day.
- Now, go on.
- Just a minute.
You go on three. You ready? One, two...
ILLYA:
Go!
[GUNSHOTS]
[MEN COUGHING]
PIFNIC: Keep them down, keep them pinned
down, I'll catch Koz on the root. Wait here.
[MEN COUGHING]
[MEN COUGHING]
[GUNSHOT]
[KOZ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[GUNSHOTS]
You gangsters,
sometimes you make me sick.
KOZ:
Oh, Priscilla.
PRISCILLA:
Oh, keep going, keep going.
[KOZ MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
[GUN CLICKS]
[ILLYA GRUNTING]
[GUN CLICKING]
SOLO: Forget him, we're after Koz.
We'd better split up.
All right, you check the 1001,
I'll take below.
PRISCILLA: It's hoodlums like you
that make the streets of this city unsafe.
And while I don't like to say it...
...well, you're a disgrace
to the uniform you're wearing.
[PRISCILLA GRUNTS]
KOZ:
Well, Priscilla...
Radish...
Radish was right.
Oh, for once, he was correct.
[KOZ PANTING]
Listen, I came herein friendship
like a fat dove.
Ha, ha.
I came here like the pigeon to the foxes.
Like the rabbit to the snake.
[KOZ SIGHS]
- You saw how they tried to kill me.
- Haven't I seen you some place before?
Yeah. Maybe at...
At Macy's or in front of Macy's.
Oh, my. ML Kat.
Yeah, Chairman Koz.
Can I...?
Would you like some coffee?
No, you got vodka?
Oh. No, sir.
We-- We don't exactly approve, sir.
Who cares what they approve or not?
Don't you try and bully me, Mr. Koz.
Oh, I'm so sorry, darling.
Aw.
You, of all people.
You know, that history
will remember you for saving my life...
...from hands of the capitalist assassins.
WOMAN [KNOCKING ON DOOR]:
Priscilla.
- Murderers. Don't let them--
- It's only Mrs. Gropkin.
Priscilla, like an angel of mercy,
would you come and take a look at my boy?
All daylong with chills
and fits of coughing.
Eleven handkerchiefs already.
I-- I've tried everything
and nothing seems to help.
No, that is always under the profit system.
- Pamper the rich and perish the poor.
- Never mind with the social messages.
Just" Just put your heard back on.
It could help my boy.
Who is this woman that insults me?
I got no time for arguments.
I need all the help I can get.
- It could help, you know.
- Yeah.
Mr. Chairman?
I'm sorry, uh, wrong Santa Claus.
Santa?
Who else would it be? Say something.
Ho-ho-ho.
[CHUCKLING]
Are you real?
Real? Oh, you think it's a fake?
[CHUCKLING]
Now, my boy. Ahem.
There's something
you wanna ask Santa Claus, huh?
A favor? A present? You know.
Something that one
of my departments can get.
I'm going to die.
- What are you talking about?
- I know. That's why you're here.
When they know you're gonna die,
they send for Santa Claus early.
[CRYING]
Never I heard anything as foolish as that.
Not since the day
when my Central Committee...
[CLEARS THROAT THEN SIGHS]
Now, listen to me.
You're not going to die.
No, you're going to live.
And now, the only thing
you've got to do 24 hours a day...
...just to get as strong as an ex.
Understand that?
Well, this is an order.
[KOZ SIGHS]
Goodbye.
Uh...
Dr. sigmoid, my personal physician,
will be here...
...to see the boy in the morning.
A Bowery dropout
with a personal physician?
- Priscilla, what kind 01a nut"?
- I'll explain more, Mrs. Gropkin, later.
But he really does mean it.
These doctors, they can't
even tell me what the trouble is.
I know all about that sickness
and how to fight it.
Well, my son had it many years ago.
- And he recovered?
- No.
Well, that's why my country spent millions,
so that other children would live.
- You were very kind, Mr. Koz.
- You ought to be ashamed.
Feeding myths to defenseless children?
Humph.
Christmas? Santa Claus?
If you would calm yourself
long enough to listen, Mr. Koz...
...I'd be happy to tell you that Christmas,
in its actual meaning...
...is something more profound and beautiful
than anything you've ever imagined.
It's about a child, a Jewish baby...
-...born not quite 2000 years ago.
- Well...
And I, for one.
have never believed it a myth.
If you don't mind,
will you please call my hotel?
I want to talk to Dr. sigmoid.
- God will bless you.
- Never mind who will bless me.
And tell them to send a limousine
to take me from this mad nest of assassins.
[RADIO BEEPING]
Yes, IIIya.
I trust you haven't had any better luck
than I have.
I think it's useless. They could have
gone down any one of a dozen fire escapes.
Then we'd better call headquarters.
Mr. Waverly isn't going to be very happy.
Right.
Is that all you can say
in defense of what happened?
- You lost him?
SOLO: I'm afraid so, sir.
I don't understand how the attack
on the machine could have happened.
- No one knew he was going to be there.
- Radish knew.
I would think you'd wanna
pursue that further, gentlemen.
In the meantime,
Chairman Koz is back in his hotel suite...
...renouncing coexistence
at the top of his lungs.
And calling every citizen
of New York a fascist...
...with the single exception
of one young lady.
And we know who that is.
I would suggest you call on Chairman Koz
directly and apologize for what happened.
- Now?
- Yes, now.
In the absence of efficiency,
we are compelled to resort to charm.
Oh, when tomorrow,
I address the general assembly...
...of the United Nations, you know,
they will understand...
...that I have had coexistence up to here.
Not only to here, to here!
There can be no peace...
...until the capitalist serpents
have been expelled...
...from the garden of brotherhood.
Well, when I came here,
I came in friendship.
I offered my hands.
So, what did they do?
They tried to chew it off, to the elbow.
Now, this, I tell you...
...is the friendship of cannibals
and traitors and murderers!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
See who it is.
Chairman Koz,
we'd like to tell you how happy we are...
...that, uh, you survived
that unfortunate incident today.
It has been both our policy and pleasure
to protect you at all times--
KOZ:
Protect?
I could've gotten a better protection from
the starving tiger with two sets of teeth.
Protect?
If it wasn't for that sweet young lady,
I'd be dead just like our friendship.
- Oh, I think there's been, uh--
- Out!
--A little misunderstanding
which we can correct.
Correct?
If you don't mind, why don't you correct
the fact I ever met you?
My young men, you better go home
and put your television on...
...and listen to my speech.
If we had a cold war,
now you'll see we'll have a blizzard!
Out!
You heard what the chairman said, out!
[KOZ SIGHS]
I'm afraid we've watched over the chairman
for the last time.
I think we should turn our attention
to Mr. Radish, hmm?
- Oh! Comrade Maxim?
- So you failed again, eh?
Please, please, comrade,
give me another chance, hmm?
That's why I'm here.
You will attach this
beneath Chairman Koz's limousine.
- It's a bomb.
- Yes, and it is not one of your toys.
Now, listen, Pifnic. Tomorrow at 2:00...
...Comrade Koz will leave his hotel
to address the United Nations.
- Yes, I know.
- He's supposed to arrive there 2:30.
The bomb is setup to go off
exactly at 2:15.
Bloom , bu-boom'.!
And Comrade Koz will be history.
[LAUGHING]
No use to worry, then.
about doctrinal purity, eh?
- Excuse me, comrade, a thought.
- Yes?
- I'm supposed to be driving the limousine.
- Oh, you? Oh, you.
You will be buried
as a hero of the revolution. Oh, yeah.
- Hmm, well, thank you, comrade.
- Mm-hm.
RADISH: Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, my own day shall come.
I'm afraid not, Mr. Radish.
MAN: You better don't move.
- I'm afraid so, Mr. Solo.
RADISH: And your days
and the days of your friend...
...are just about concluded.
[GOBBLING]
You know, I've always been very fond
of turkey for lunch.
I don't think he's going to take the hint.
- Ugh.
- What time is it?
Uh, it's exactly 2:00, my friends.
Uh, in 15 minutes...
...we shall mourn the passing
of my dearest friend, Chairman Georgi Koz.
[BOMB TIMER TICKING]
Go home, go home.
After you hear my speech,
you will not want my autograph.
PRISCILLA:
Mr. Koz. Mr." Mr. Koz.
Let that young lady get through.
Mr. Koz, it's me, Priscilla.
- Ah.
- Mr. Koz, you gotta come with me.
Alex needs you.
There's no one else who can help.
- What happened?
- Alex Gropkin.
They-- They think he's dying.
He-- He won't take his medicine
without you.
Comrade chairman, excuse me.
It is three minutes after 2.
But this is Dr. Sigmoid's department.
I did what I could.
- I sent him to you.
- Dr. sigmoid sent me to get you.
Yes, but the United Nations
is waiting, my dear.
For my speech, all humanity is waiting.
A child is waiting, Mr. Koz.
Oh, but you people.
You talk about humanity and people.
I'm talking about one child.
One little boy.
Correction, it is four minutes after 2.
I-- I'm sorry, very sorry. Really.
You're going to be sorrier
if you don't come--
If you don't come with me.
It is now five minutes after 2.
I can see him now, my old friend,
Georgi Koz...
...on his way to the United Nations...
...drinking in the roar of the crowd
like the wine of youth.
Mm-hm. The Bear of the Balkans
has become the Ham of the Balkans.
In less than 10 minutes, you couldn't
exchange him for a dried skin 01a mouse.
It is now six minutes after 2.
What time's lunch?
Oh, anytime at all, Mr. Kuryakin.
At your pleasure, anytime.
Anytime at all, anytime at all.
[TURKEYS GOBBLING]
When I say that it was all your fault
that Alex had this relapse...
...I'm don't mean to suggest
that you intended it that way.
You're the one Saint Nicholas
in whom he has been truly able to believe.
Oh, yes, uh...
...some people have a talent
with children.
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
Uh, what is the delay?
Why the Army can't clear up the path
through the street?
RADISH:
It is now 10 minutes after 2.
Hmm, as I mentioned before...
...the time factor is final, irreversible.
The device itself, no matter how small,
has the power to move mountains.
No, no less the chairman's limousine.
[CHUCKLES]
It is now 11 minutes past 2.
Aah. It's too late, Georgi--
[GOBBLING]
- Driver, what time do you have?
- The time?
It is 12 minutes after 2,
comrade chairman.
[BOMB TIMER TICKING]
In spite of all the good
your Dr. sigmoid has done...
...Alex's temperature is 103
and still climbing when I left.
Through it all, he kept calling
for that Santa Claus, meaning you.
Young lady, can't you understand
that this is--?
Well, all right, all right,
I'll do it after I finish my speech.
It will be too late.
All right, what is the address?
Oh, it's across town.
Tum around!
I-- I can't, comrade chairman.
- The traffic, it's all stuck.
KOZ: You feel.
Don't you understand that the life
of a small child is at stake?
- There's a subway, right over there.
- Driver, we're getting out.
I think I see the car.
[BOMB TIMER TICKING]
The-- My car?
Another 10 seconds and...
Oh, it's a good thing
I don't believe in miracles...
...because if I did, that was a miracle.
What are you doing?
This is my speech for the United Nations.
I'm about to tum off a blizzard.
Isn't that a miracle too?
All right, Alex.
open up your mouth, please.
- Say “aah.“
ALEX: Aah.
That “aah“ sounded pretty good,
Dr. sigmoid.
Now, breathe deep.
PRISCILLA:
Ah. Thank you.
I wish it was a mistletoe.
Oh, Mr. Solo, you are a gay one,
aren't you?
Only, uh, on holidays.
You started to tell me
about Radish and Pifnic?
Oh, yes.
At last report, they were stowed away
in the hold of a cargo vessel...
...bound for their homeland.
Chairman Koz mentioned them
being in a poultry pen, I believe.
Your move.
Well, now, Alex, you may get up now.
Put on your bathrobe, enjoy the holiday.
He's gonna be all right?
All right? Ha! He's going to be perfect.
[CRYING]
Oh, Alex.
Did you hear, Priscilla?
He's gonna be all right.
PRISCILLA: Oh, that's wonderful.
I'm so happy.
- We're all, all very happy, Mrs. Gropkin.
- Thank you. Thank you.
You're a wonderful doctor.
I only wish you had your practice
on the East Side.
Believe me,
I don't know how to thank you.
Not me, Mrs. Gropkin.
Just thank Chairman Koz.
His visit to Alex, that was the thing.
You don't think I'd love to thank him.
But how?
I read in the papers
he's going home today.
KOZ:
Ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
MRS. GROPKIN: Oh!
KOZ:
Merry Christmas, everybody.
MRS. GROPKIN: Oh, Mr. Koz.
KOZ: Merry Christmas, children. Here.
- Oh, Mr. Koz.
- Chairman Koz.
Well, uh, if you want to call me Mr. Koz,
you call me Mr. Koz. Ha-ha-ha.
Alex, he's gonna be all right.
Well, naturally. Didn't I tell you?
Merry Christmas.
- Oh!
- Alex, my boy, Alex, come here.
This is all for you.
[CHUCKLING]
Ah-ha-ha, you'll find wonderful things here.
Sit down, my boy.
Merry Christmas.
Uh, Mr. Macy.
Uh, Mr. Macy.
what I told at the United Nations...
...all about friendship and coexistence...
...you know, it can get me into
a quite little trouble in my country.
Well, so if I will lose my job over there...
...can I be a Santa Claus at Macy's?
- Ha. Anytime, Mr. Chairman. Anytime at all.
- Wonderful.
[LAUGHING]
Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
[ENGLISH SDH]