The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Tigers Are Coming Affair - full transcript

[GONGS BANGING]

- Your shot, my dear Suzanne.
- No.

You have too many prejudices.

My tigers die well.

Do you see them, Quillon?

No, but I can hear him.

He should break cover just about there.

[MEN SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Tell them.

Tell them outside. They're poisoning...

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]



Tell them--

Take him back to the prison.

An escaped prisoner, my friends.

A worthless man. A worthless incident.

For him, it is a tragedy.

For us-- Well, it does liven up
a rather dull day, doesn't it?

Too many strange things
were happening.

My supplies have been stolen.

The prince told me the dacoits,
a group of renegade bandits...

...have been stealing them.

But then the pilot" I don't know.

Why do you suppose the prince would have
his own private pilot taken prisoner?

That's just it, I knew him very well.

He wasn't a criminal
or anything like that.



Do you have any idea why the prince
would want to steal your insecticides?

No. I'm afraid I haven't
been very much help.

But everything's been happening
so quickly.

I went to the consulate to report
and the next thing I know...

...you whisked me away in a plane
and I'm here.

Ms. de Serve, our organization...

...has been interested in Prince Panat
for some time.

We've had reports from his country...

...about a potential uprising
against his regime.

Then the reports of the unrest
stopped coming in.

We sent one of our men to investigate...

...and his body was found
floating in the river two days ago.

But what has all this to do with me?

I went to his country
because I wanted to help people.

The foundation I represent sent me there
to teach the villagers...

...how to farm more scientifically.

You're interested in farming?

I happen to be a botanist and a chemist.

Botanists and chemists run
in the family, you see.

Well, our reports indicate that the prince
also enjoys your company.

I can't help it.

I keep telling him I don't like him,
but he won't leave me alone.

Since someone was always stealing
your supplies and insecticides...

...that might indicate
that you have time on your hands.

Well, he does make the best
goat's milk frappé in the country.

Ms. de Serve, we'd like your help.

The World Congress
of Underdeveloped Countries...

...is very concerned
about the prince's dictatorial activities.

They've asked us
to investigate the prince.

Now, if our suspicions are confirmed...

...the Congress will expose them to
the world and bring the prince to trial...

...under the Atrocity Agreement signed
by the World Congress in 1952.

How can I help you?

Well, this tiger hunt,
is it still going on?

For weeks.

The tigers have all been coming down
from the high country.

What if IIIya and I were to go there as...

...guests?

It ought to be all right.

Please call Sage Magazine.

Tell them they're sending a reporter
and a photographer to cover a tiger hunt.

I'll assign Mr. Kuryakin
as soon as he arrives.

I don't mind a lot of tigers if you don't.

- Hm?
- Well...

We missed you, my dear Suzanne.

I hope the foundation does not call you
away again without consulting me.

But I'm glad you returned here directly.

Well, you see.
I wanted to meet these two people--

And I'm glad that you did.

"Sage Goes on a Tiger Hunt.“

You know, our magazine
has three million readers a month.

- You're going to be internationally famous.
- Splendid.

If we could get a look at the tigers.
I understand you're plagued with them.

Now, what's the reason for that?

There's been fighting upcountry
among the tribesmen.

They have driven the tigers
closer to the city.

I see. Well, you see.
an explanation for everything.

Now, if we can just get a shot
of Suzanne outside here.

Son of what you might call
a “full tent“ shot. Suzanne.

SUZANNE: Excuse me, Your Highness.
PANAT: Don't be too long.

Cosimo, darling.
you haven't shot a single tiger yet.

No, Drusilla, I don't have
to keep asserting my masculinity, do I?

Here.

I think Colonel Quillon is wondering...

...why I didn't rise to the bait
he offered me.

We'll wait and see how he reacts.

Wonder what the name
of that pilot's wife was.

- Ninea.
- I wanna see her as soon as possible.

Well, I could say I have to pick up
a shipment of supplies and insecticides...

...tomorrow in Kanuchi.

You could come along.

Just raise your chin a little bit.

- Good.
- Is that good?

SOLO: Mm-hm.
ILLYA: Perfect.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

I understand Suzanne
is going into the village tomorrow.

Perhaps I could go along, get some stuff.
You know, visit the local elephant.

Of course. I'm glad to see, Mr. Solo...

-...you don't take your work too seriously.
- No, no.

- Will you be here with us tomorrow?
- Yes, you can count on it.

- Mr. Solo.
- Yes?

Later, perhaps, you would like
Colonel Quillon to escort you upriver...

...to take a look at the fighting there.

Should make an exciting article
for your magazine.

And I'm sure that the colonel
would be delighted.

If you don't mind, Your Highness,
jungle war stories are a dime a dozen today.

But thank you, anyway.

Well, now it seems we have
two more U.N.C.L.E. agents to entertain.

I do hope these will be the last.

You will take care of them, Quillon.

Yes, Your Highness, I most certainly will.

There.

Where is everyone?

Is the village always this deserted?

No. I'm beginning to feel shaky.

- Why don't you wait in the car?
- Oh, no, I feel much better with you.

All right.

AMu.

AMu.

I think you better correct me.
I thought I was saying “ally."

- You are.
- I am?

Say...

I wonder what happened to Ninea.

Well, I don't think we're going
to get any fast answers around here.

Get ready to duck.

Wait.

I'm going to throw these red-hot coals...

...in your faces.

Take a look at this.

This is very interesting.

Watch very carefully.
You see that, huh?

Okay, here we go.

[GUNSHOT]

Well, I think I've seen enough local color
for one afternoon.

JULALI: And then, sahib.
we tie a small goat below.

When the tiger comes: bang.

You shoot.

And when tiger is dead...

I make blind like this for you.
For His Highness, over there.

Other blind, other tree.

We shoot many tigers.

You're a good man, Julali.

How would you like to be a guide
for my friend and myself?

We take a short trip upcountry.

Upcountry is forbidden, sahib.

Men go there, they not come back.
Never.

Then let's go and find out why.

Plenty money?

Plenty.

By the tree, where the water bag hangs,
there is a path.

At the end of the path,
I will meet you there this evening.

Go now. Go before my--

My fear becomes stronger than my greed.

[JULALI LAUGHS]

ILLYA:
How was your trip?

Not bad. Some of the local dacoits
performed a native ritual for us.

They almost killed us.

Then perhaps the prince suspects.

I'm not sure.

For the time being, we'll just check it off
as being a hazard of the local tourism.

- What did you find out about the heaters?
- Well, I found us a guide.

The head beater, Julali.

I've arranged for us
to meet him tonight. Here.

There is also a good track
that goes north...

...almost 200 miles.

Needless to say, we'll have to find
an excuse for leaving camp for a few days.

I'll talk to the host.

There's another incidental,
but useful piece of information.

For the past few weeks...

...an extraordinarily large number
of undernourished, almost starving people...

...have come here looking for work
as heaters.

They've been herded off somewhere.

I guess everyone and everything
is coming down...

...from the high country this season.

You think it has something to do
with the insecticide?

Well, let's hope so.

We'll be in the main tent.

I'll take another look around the camp
while it's still daylight.

Yeah, you do that,
and I'll go and talk to the prince.

You know, son of handle
the difficult part.

And you wander around here
and you take a few pictures...

...and try and look busy, all right?

All right?

PANAT:
Welcome back.

- Would you like a goat's milk frappé?
- No, thank you.

- Mr. Solo?
- No, no, thank you.

Your Highness, when we were in Kanuchi,
some of the local dacoits tried to kill us.

Oh, I am sincerely sorry to hear that.

You have my deep apologies.

The dacoits are very difficult to control.

They're much like the teenage problem
in America, I should imagine, yes.

I shall dispatch several men
to find them and punish them.

Won't you sit down here, my dear.

Now, Suzanne, really.
I must have a chat with you.

You really are wasting much too much time
on the peasants...

...teaching them to improve themselves,
the advantages of soap and water.

Really, nothing will help them, you know.

You should give some thought
to the problems of royalty.

I appreciate your interest
in how I spend my time, Your Highness...

...but I happen to believe your people
need my help.

My dear Suzanne, you must have
a little consideration for the rich.

Everyone seems concerned
about the poor...

...but I have yet to hear of a foundation
that caters to the anxieties of the wealthy.

It is a pity that you don't care a little more
for your people, Prince Panat.

Oh, but I do care,
because I know and understand them.

They are backward, superstitious...

...and terribly inexpensive to maintain.

Why, I can get 50 miles a day
out of the average beater.

Ask the man who owns one.

Mr. Solo, would you care
to take another look around my little camp?

Just one more thing, Your Highness.

I've got to make a quick trip south
to see my editor.

I have to leave from the railhead tonight
and Suzanne's offered to drive.

Yes, of course.

Oh, I want you with me in my blind tonight.

I can promise you
a very stimulating evening.

You know, I'm just beginning
to like your company.

Well, that's very sporting of you,
Your Highness.

Yes.

Now, dear boy, I really must exercise
the royal prerogative.

Suzanne wishes to rehabilitate me.

I see. Well, I wouldn't wanna stand
in the way of progress.

We'll leave after the hunt,
if you don't mind.

PANAT:
Yes, after the hunt.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have some work to do.

- I hate to miss a deadline.
PANAT: So do I.

Brash American newspapermen.

I wonder if they really cause all those riots
all over the world.

Oh, sorry.

That's a nice weapon
you got there, baron.

Thank you, Mr. Solo.
A present from His Highness.

I can hardly wait to fire this one.

They tell me that the discharge
is very powerful.

Really? I'm looking for my friend,
Mr. Kuryakin.

Have you seen him?

Yes, he was here a moment ago.

You can just feel the power of this gun,
can't you?

Well, I hope everything
works out for you, baron.

Did my friend leave any message for me?

Yes, he said he will see you later.

I can hardly wait for tonight.

Well, thanks for all the information.

Channel D, overseas relay, pattern five.

Yes, Mr. Solo?

I don't think there's any question
that the prince...

...is behind all the trouble here.

As to what his actual involvement is
as far as the operation is concerned...

...I don't know.

I see.

Well, whatever it is,
we'll have to be able to offer evidence...

...to the Congress
of Underdeveloped Countries...

...if they are to expose Panat.

We're going to be journeying up
to the high country tonight, sir.

Unless I miss my guess,
we'll have some answers for you then.

Good. I'll tell their committee
to stand by in Calcutta.

Yes, sir.

QUILLON:
Good evening, Mr. Kuryakin.

There's only one thing
to be learned from him, I'm afraid.

And that is?

Oh, the utter irresponsibility
of the natives.

The least he could have done would
have been to stay alive to meet you...

...as planned.

Then suppose you tell me
what's going on upcountry.

And what makes it your business?

A lively sense of curiosity.

How's your sense of humor?

- Better than his, but not much.
- Good.

We've thought of a rather amusing way
to stifle your curiosity.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[BLEATING]

Oh, that poor goat.

Listen to it.

If you don't like hunting,
there's no reason for you to be here.

You know perfectly well
I have to be here.

Well, if you feel you must sacrifice
your principles to the royal goodwill--

Without which I couldn't even
begin the work I'm doing.

It's hard enough as it is.

Perhaps your sacrifice isn't great enough.

You know how fond of you
His Highness is.

Yes, we all know about that.

[GOAT BLEATING]

[BLEATING]

[BLEATING]

Mr. Solo and his friend have been asking
a lot of questions around the camp.

Oh? What sort of questions?

Questions that I could not answer
even if I wanted to.

- And?
- I mentioned it to His Highness.

Quite casually, of course.

That sounds very manly, Cosimo.

How long has Colonel Quillon
been with you, Your Highness?

Quillon? Oh, a few years.

He was cashiered
from the British army, you know.

But he has all the soldierly virtues...

...mostly obedience.

Why do you ask?

Oh, just academic interest.

Dull fellow and not, I feel.
entirely trustworthy.

I wonder what's happened
to Mr. Kuryakin.

Have you seen him?

Oh, I wouldn't worry about him.

[GOAT BLEATING]

[ROARING]

[BLEATING]

You don't mind if I borrow this, do you?

Hey, wait, you can't go down there.

What the devil are you doing?

[BLEATING]

[SUZANNE GASPS]

[TIGER GROWLING]

I'm sorry.
I thought you were aiming at us.

Haven't you heard?

They murdered your father.

Quillon!

Quillon! Quillon!

What goes on? Didn't I see--?

All you saw, my dear fellow,
was an attempted assassination.

- An assassination?
- Yes.

They are international jewel thieves
after my store of rubies.

Where are the dacoits?

This way.

Sahib.

Is it true? They killed my father?

I saw.

Quiet.

[RADIO BEEPING]

Must be overseas relay.

I've just talked to the World Congress,
Mr. Solo.

Yes, sir?

They're very anxious to move
into the country...

...as soon as you have
something to report.

It was all I could do
to keep them waiting in Calcutta.

Yes, well, I hope they won't be
too uncomfortable.

Well, let me know as soon as you have
something concrete to show them.

They're very anxious to move ahead.

Yes, sir, I'll do that.

- Shall we be moving on?
- This way.

I didn't know I could walk so long
or so far.

Do you mind?

No, I'm only sorry I didn't suggest it.

I never knew that being terrified
could tire you so quickly.

I don't think the prince's men
are close behind.

Ferak knows this area pretty well.

I'm sure he's covered our trail.

And to think that I thought
that going into the jungle...

...would be such
a great romantic adventure.

And now it all seems so hopeless.

I'll be glad when it's allover.

I'm going back to France.

I'm gonna do the rest
of my missionary work on the Riviera.

[RUSTLING]

We found something interesting.

Kanuchi village landing.

Wait here with her.

[SOLO GROWLS]

These are my supplies.

Now we have to find out
where he's sending it.

What else is in this area?

There's nothing. Only the old ruby mines.

Ruby mines?

Closed down for years.

The chlorine gas was seeping in.
It's too dangerous.

I still don't understand why he'd steal it.

He can get all the insecticide he needs
just by asking for it...

...and the instructions for its proper use.

What instructions?

For-Feline formaldehyde
is the strongest insecticide made.

This, of course, is a concentrate.

If you'd use it in its undiluted form,
it would kill every plant in sight.

It defoliates everything.

Well, let's have a look
at the insecticides.

And the tigers are driven out
of the jungle.

- Let's take a look atone of the mines.
- One is on the river.

We'll take the boat.

Let's make a run for the boat.

[QUILLON SPEAKS
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I think I see a silver turkey.

[GUNSHOT]

I wanna have a look inside.

Very well-protected for a deserted mine.

I'll go talk to the guards
while you slip inside.

All right.

Ninea, how are you?

It's the pilot's wife.

Mr. Solo, Mr. Kuryakin, Ninea.

- What are you doing here, Ninea?
- Many of us work the mine.

And the chlorine gas?

The villagers are starving.

Desperate man will do anything
to feed his family.

Even take his chances in the mine.

They've been driven
from their homes by...

By...

Defoliation.

So, what else can they do?

It is either that or starvation
for all of them.

Your husband was the pilot
who sprayed the fields...

...with the insecticides, right?

When he saw what was happening,
he wanted 10--

To defect.

And the prince, they shot him.

I'm so sorry, Ninea.

Well, his was just one death of many.

Everyday many of the workers
die from the gases.

And everyday others come in
from the burnt-out fields to replace them.

- Chlorine.
- The gas.

[PEOPLE COUGHING]

[ALL COUGHING]

QUILLON:
Hold it.

I thought you might
find your way in here.

I told you, they're utterly unreliable.

A miniature transmitter.
That's rather clever.

Well, I am surprised at you, my dear.

Throwing in with these two.
A dangerous lapse in taste.

Do you really need those rubies so badly?
You had everything you could want.

Yes, because of those rubies.

My representatives in Calcutta
have informed me...

...that a committee from the World
Congress for Undeveloped Countries...

...is awaiting word from you, Mr. Solo.

That's right, prince.
Perhaps you'll have a change of heart.

You see, if they don't hear from us soon,
they're going to be coming here.

And you don't have to add very quickly
to realize that sooner or later...

...you're going to be exposed.

Yes, that is something to consider.

But let me pose a situation.

For instance, if they were to receive
word from you to come here...

...and view your discoveries...

...I could then give an official warning
that the dacoits were on the rampage.

That's right.

That mysterious robber class
could kill them...

...and they couldn't possibly
hold you responsible.

But they would hold
U.N.C.L.E. responsible, Mr. Solo.

Oh, it would be along time
before the Congress...

...rely on your organization again.

Well, you outlined the situation, prince.
In a very interesting manner...

...except you've left out
one or two pieces.

Yes, you don't intend
to summon the committee.

That's about it, yes.

Well, I'm sure you don't mean that...

...because then, you see.
I would be reduced to desperation.

And in desperation...

...I would, say.
kill these poor peasants here.

Oh, and who knows
what I might do to her.

Yes, I thought it might come to that.

Well, Mr. Solo?

Untie me.

We're wasting time. Make your call.

Channel D, overseas relay.

It takes a moment.
It has to bounce off a satellite.

Yes, Mr. Solo,
I've been expecting to hear from you.

Tell your people in Calcutta
to come ahead.

A" right. PM dispatch them immediately.

- Where shall they contact you?
- Have them come upriver to Panchali.

I'll meet them at the Panchali landing.

All right, Mr. Solo.

I'll expect your report
when you're debriefed here.

Yes, sir.

I think a little water torture
might teach him a lesson.

Quillon, you're terribly old-fashioned.

I don't know, sir.
everybody's doing it these days.

I have momentary use for Mr. Solo.

What about Suzanne?

Yeah, I have use for her too.

I'm really terribly sorry
all this had to happen.

I had hoped we could spend
more time together.

What do you want with me?

Just a little consideration.

After all, I'm willing to overlook
your transgressions.

I might let your friends live.

And you might not.

Why don't we go back to my camp.

We'll put all this out of your mind.

After all, you know, I do make the best
goat's milk trappé in the country.

Why didn't I think of that before?

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Put them back to work in the mines.

Oh, Quillon, now.
I don't want you to feel...

...that I don't appreciate
all the fine work you've done so far.

- Well, thank you, sir.
- Yes.

You may torture these two all you want
after you take care of the world committee.

Yes, I thought I'd put
an explosive device in the water...

-...so when their boat goes--
- Yes, yes, I'm sure it will work very well.

Well, good day, Mr. Solo.

Goodbye, Mr. Kuryakin.

QUILLON:
He's a fine man. You ought to know that.

Do we have to?

There are four guards outside.

One above, the rest are guarding
the native compound.

Where's Quillon?

Probably downriver, setting the trap
for the committee's boat.

- Either one of these guards speak English?
- Uh-uh.

Well, we'll wait till
one of them goes outside.

Fill her up here.

There is a bomb attached to
the other end of that rope there.

The buoy marks the place.

Now, when the boat goes
over the cable...

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

You mean you're going
to kill all those people?

QUILLON: Of course.
Why do you think I've taken all this trouble?

My dear Suzanne, it I had thought
you would create this fuss...

...I would have had you
wait at the camp.

Well, I didn't know you were going to kill
the whole World Congress committee.

PANAT:
My deal, you don't know any members...

...of the World Congress
for Undeveloped Countries personally.

Therefore, I see no reason
for you to be so emotional.

Now, we are going to wait here
and watch the explosion.

Gonna be quite an exhibition,
if I do say so myself.

Hey, that's--

Hey, there.

- Boat's over there.
- We better hurry.

That's right. We gotta get to
the Panchali landing before the committee.

Here they come now.

Cheers.

What is that?

It's our two curious friends,
Your Highness.

[GUNFIRE]

[GUNFIRE]

SOLO:
Jump.

[GUNSHOTS]

Quillon!

Quillon!

Quillon, help.

Quillon! Quillon!

Quillon!

[MUMBLING]

I am so, so happy
to be going back to the jungle.

And this time, it's going
to be quite different, I'm sure.

Oh, we ardently hope so, Ms. de Serve.

And thank you again for all your help.

Thank you, sir, and I'm glad the prince
has agreed to abdicate.

Mr. Solo, I'm going to my club for lunch.

- Goodbye, Ms. de Serve.
- Goodbye.

Well, tell me.
which jungle is it this time?

I'm off to the Mombasa.

I'm going to be giving free dental care
to the natives.

I thought botanists and chemists
ran in your family.

Well, there was this one aunt, a dentist.

She had a profound effect on my life.

So consequently, I am also a dentist.

Well, consequently, I think I should come
and see you at least twice a year.

[ENGLISH SDH]