The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Arabian Affair - full transcript
Thrush, at a base in the Middle East, is developing a "vaporizer," which dissolves almost any object. Kuryakin tries to enlist the assistance of a tribe of Arabs to help. Solo, meanwhile, convinces a soon-to-be retired Thrushman that he'll live longer if he switches sides.
- Well, Curtis, you've revised the mixture?
- Yes, sir.
With the bubbles less dense,
it should be more easily disposable.
That's fine,
but not at the expense of potency.
It must be potent.
- Three-point-four, at least, sir.
- Three-point-four, my goodness.
Well, let's have a look, shall we?
You in there,
stop wiggling around, please.
All right, let's get on with it.
Let's go, Harvey.
[SCREAMING]
At 3.4, that should suffice.
- Blow it out. Let's see what we've got.
- Yes, sir.
All right, Harvey, tum on the fans.
Excellent. Excellent.
He dissolved beautifully.
We figure Kuryakin was probably
some place near the Gulf of Aqaba...
...at the time his report was interrupted.
Although the Thrush
experimental lab itself...
...could be hidden in any
01a hundred desert wadis...
...from Mecca north to Damascus,
we just don't know yet.
Well, we'd better know, and soon.
No horse, no provisions.
What is he doing there, that one?
Oh. Oh, so now before you rob
and attack a man...
...you worry whether or not
it will disturb him, huh?
Be careful with your tongue, daughter.
Sophie, you do not talk to me like that
in front of my own men, please.
Come on, you leave those two baboons
of yours alone, they will capture each other.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
ILLYA:
Aah!
- Take what he has and finish him.
- No!
- It was my knife that took him, he's mine.
- What kind of nonsense--?
For months you promised me
a new camel, no? Huh?
All right, then, I take--
No!
Now. Now I take this skinny little fellow
who is my property and I sell him.
I sell him at the marketplace at Aqaba...
...and I get enough money
to buy me a new camel.
SULADOR:
Oh, no, woman.
You two, go get the horses.
Quickly, you lizard-eyed filth.
Sophie, the camel I did promise, yes.
but not to kill a traveler.
- It is against tradition.
SOPHIE: Hmm?
Look at him, my daughter,
look at that leg.
So we cut off the leg.
I sell him as is anyway, half price.
But he will bleed to death.
So then I sell only his yellow hair
and throw the rest of him away.
Here's another one.
In not one dossier that U.N.C.L.E. possesses
on Thrush personnel...
...is there any information about a man
after his 65th birthday.
So what? They probably retire them
just like anybody else.
That's just it. If any of Thrush's
retired personnel were still around...
...we'd have a record, wouldn't we?
But we've got nothing.
Check with Mr. Waverly,
see if he's busy.
You mean when Thrush retires their
personnel at 65, they make it permanent?
Mr. Waverly, would you please?
You'd better inform Personnel...
...that we don't expect
Mr. Kuryakin to be returning.
Oh, he'll tum up, sir.
It's only been 48 hours.
He is pretty good at making it up
as he goes along, you know.
Wishful thinking, I'm afraid.
The Arabian desert isn't quite
Palm Springs, you know.
[TELEPHONE BEEPING]
- Yes?
- Mr. Waverly, it's me again.
Research Department?
Ask him about IIIya.
Good grief, woman, can't you and Mr. Solo
find someone else to bother today?
I appreciate his concern
about Mr. Kuryakin--
It's only that, sir, he thought you might
talk to him for a moment about an idea--
Young woman, as I've told you
three times today--
Uh, yes, Mr. Waverly.
Mitzi, assuming that, uh, Thrush does very
quietly knock off its personnel at age 65...
...and assuming that the prospective
retirees are not aware of the fact...
...that they're going to get
an unexpected death benefit...
...if we could get a hold
of a little old Thrush man...
IIIya was looking for that lab where
Thrush was developing a new vaporizer.
All right, get me all of the dossiers...
...on, uh, Research and Development
of Thrush personnel.
And play a little, Mitzi...
...that we find a nice,
retiring Thrush gentleman.
MAN:
One, one.
Floor, one, two.
Peter--
Well, Lewin.
- Hello, Mr. Norman.
- Big day, huh?
Oh, that wasn't too bad, sir.
Of course, the shipment of these
final chemicals for the Arabian project--
Oh, that.
That isn't quite what I meant, Lewin.
I'm sorry, sir.
What did you have in mind?
Good heavens, man.
have you forgotten your own retirement?
Oh.
Uh, no, I haven't, sir. Uh...
It's just the Arabian project
has been on my mind--
Ah, you forget that and relax.
After the dinner Thrush gives you tonight,
you won't have a worry in the world.
Thank you, Mr. Norman.
- Uh, I'll be there promptly, sir.
- I'll look forward to seeing you.
Unbelievable old man.
You know, we probably won't be able
to kill him like the others.
We'll have to bash him with a stick
until his mainspring breaks.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
David, I really don't think we're even
going to have to touch the savings.
- Your pension should--
- What about the boat?
No, I figured that in. Oh...
Oh, David, I really can't believe it.
Retirement. Oh...
LEWIN:
Yes.
Those were good years with Thrush.
Watching the company grow,
being a pan of it all.
David?
- David.
- Go to the bedroom and stay there.
SOLO:
Mr. Lewin.
Mr. Lewin, you're much too close
to the good life for that.
Put the gun down, please, on the desk.
Thank you.
Now, uh, Mr. Lewin, my crystal ball has it
that Thrush is going to favor you...
...with a retirement dinner
and a gold pocket watch...
...for 31 years of self-sacrificing loyalty,
is that, uh, correct?
Who are you?
How did you know where I live?
Well, ahem, when a man retires,
he generally takes a trip.
You left your address with a travel agent,
Hound him and found you.
Won't you please sit down here?
Now, as your brand-new, friendly U.N.C.L.E.
insurance agent, I'd like to tell you--
U.N.C.L.E.? Now, look, I, uh--
I was in the Transportation section.
I never" I never--
At least, let my wife--
Mr. Lewin, would you please not interrupt
my sales pitch?
Now, the moment one retires from Thrush,
you not only cease to be an asset...
...you become a distinct liability...
...because you know all those
dark, dirty little secrets, don't you?
Now, we know you're going to retire...
...but if you'll peruse
this carefully-drawn file...
...I think you'll notice
that they're also going to kill you.
[MRS. LEWIN GASPS]
SOLO:
Go ahead, examine it.
I'm certain you'll find U.N.C.L.E.'s
fringe benefits far superior.
Take a look, please.
Could you make me a little tea,
please, Mrs. Lewin?
Thank you.
Go ahead, examine it.
How do you do?
Oh, thank you very much.
I take care of the leg.
They do not cut it off.
[GROANS]
That's very, very kind.
Oh, no, that's business.
One entire man
buys one entire camel in Aqaba.
Aqaba.
Listen, I have to get there
to send a message. It's extremely--
It would be very dangerous
if you lose any more blood.
You make no more noise,
you lose no more blood, all right?
Huh?
But ever since Charlie Jacobs retired
from Thrush...
...we've been getting postcards
from Majorca about the living conditions.
No, no. Your friend Charlie Jacobs
was assassinated...
...two days
after he had his retirement dinner.
That's his morgue photo right there.
How did they, uh...?
SOLO:
They gave him a gold watch. Engraved.
Very much as I expect
they're going to give you.
Forty-eight hours later, it blew up.
And he was thrown halfway
across the English Channel.
But you don't understand, Mr. Solo.
Thrush has always given David
wonderful accident and health benefits...
...a stock-option plan even.
Remember when I had
that horrible appendicitis, how they"?
- Yes.
SOLO: Mrs. Lewin...
...your husband is 65 years of age.
And without our help,
meaning U.N.C.L.E.'s help...
...his life expectancy
on the actuarial tables is zero.
[MRS. LEWIN GASPS]
SOLO:
That fact should be evident.
Look at that.
It is.
After 31 years...
What do you want me to do?
I want the files, statistics, location...
...and all programming
on the experimental Thrush vaporizer.
Listen, I very much regret the demise
of your previous camel, but...
You mentioned other animals...
...belonging to your people
have also died recently.
And the water holes polluted
and the grazing foliage rotted.
Sometimes I think
this land is cursed against us.
And your people themselves...
...have any disappeared
in the last month or so?
What do you know about that?
How many men have you lost?
Seven, the first one two months ago.
But what is that to you?
- Guinea pigs for Thrush.
- What? What are you saying there?
There's something going on
that you ought to know about.
- What?
- I think you shut up now...
...so you don't confuse anyone.
You're the chief of this tribe, aren't you?
- If you lead me to Aqaba, I will help you--
- You'll get to Aqaba, skinny little fellow...
...when you are healthy enough
to bring me a good price. Eat. Eat.
I can help you get rid of the misfortunes
that your people--
SULADOR:
Sulador does not require assistance.
I do not like you.
You give me indigestion
with your busy mouth.
You give me indigestion again,
I rip out your stomach.
And in return for the file on the vaporizer
and its location...
...U.N.C.L.E. will guarantee--
Safety to live out
your retirement years in peace.
Now, where is the file?
I never was a very important
Thrush operative, Mr. Solo.
The Transportation Department
is what one might call overhead...
...but I am a highly-trained one.
May I have your U.N.C.L.E.
pocket communicator, please?
My--?
If I told you the location of the file...
...what's to prevent you
or a superior that you report to...
...from going there and getting it
and leaving me high and dry?
No, Mr. Solo,
you and I will go there together.
Ito my dinner and you to get the file.
It's the same place.
If we come out of this alive,
then, uh, you'll get this back.
I'd appreciate it.
Hazel, will you phone a tuxedo shop
for Mr. Solo?
I'm a perfect 39, Hazel.
There's one condition,
I don't want my wife exposed to danger.
Now, she gets to a safe place
before you and I go anywhere.
All right, agreed.
Now, the Thrush office...
...is, I think you'll find,
in a usual building...
...but in a rather unusual spot
in that building.
Have you ever noticed
that in most hotels and office buildings...
...there's no 13th floor?
Same thing applies to the building
Thrush has been using.
The public elevator goes
from the 12th floor to the 14th floor.
No one even wonders
whether there's a 13th floor.
Well, there is, Mr. Solo.
And every single day,
at least until we move to a new location...
...a few hundred people blithely travel
up and down the public elevator...
...directly past a major Thrush
nerve center.
Now, Mr. Solo,
I'll show you a more private elevator.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
Here's the map I drew
so you'll know where to go.
Now you stay have out of sight.
In exactly three minutes,
I'll send the elevator down for you.
Oh, from this point on,
I don't know you.
I never heard of you.
If you're discovered, then I'll be screaming
for your head just like the rest of them.
Ah, the guest of honor.
Nice to see you, Lewin.
But where is Mrs. Lewin?
I'm afraid that's why I'm late, sir.
Um, her arthritis was just--
- She gets it down this arm...
- That's unfortunate.
That's unfortunate. At any rate...
...George, would you take care
of our guest of honor?
- Hello, David, so nice to see you.
- Thank you.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Ladies and gentlemen,
into the main salon, if you will.
Time for the festivities.
[WHISTLING]
Hi. Listen, did you ever see anything--?
Look, isn't that the oddest--?
[GRUNTING]
Uh, guard, this door was supposed to be
left open, why wasn't it?
Well, sir, I don't know.
Nobody said anything to me about it.
Well, I'm saying something. Open it.
Yes, sir.
Uh, it you don't mind, sir, perhaps
I'd better check first with Mr. Norman.
All right, uh, I'll walk along with you.
[CHATTERING]
Oh, by the way, Lewin.
you know, you were right, as usual.
We do have a problem
with the Arabian chemicals.
Johnson will be flying me down there
tonight right after dinner.
Oh, as a matter of fact,
George, telephone Rockaway...
...make sure my plane's ready.
Oh, and George...
Excuse me.
I sent Johnson to check on the validity
of Mrs. Lewin's arthritic absence.
He hasn't come back.
Probably nothing,
but keep an eye out for him, will you?
How's it going?
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[MUTTERING]
Talk, talk, talk.
[MUTTERING]
I did not tell you to stand up,
that leg has value to me.
[ILLYA SIGHS]
[ILLYA GRUNTS]
Why did you take
that bucket from me?
Huh?
To be polite, you silly little girl.
And before you open that nasty,
flapping mouth of yours...
...I suggest that you study up a bit
on that trivial amenity called courtesy.
No wonder you're still unmarried
at your age. Oh!
Ow!
You. You with the pale blue eyes
and the golden hair.
Oh, yes, the hair. Ha-ha!
You know what those hags
are saying about you?
They're saying that you remind them
of another blond young fellow...
...who came along time ago
from far away, from out west.
A great warrior
who never were a uniform.
He came to liberate the desert
and to glorify our tribes.
Ha-ha-ha!
You. You, the filthy hero of Arabia.
[MUTTERS]
[SIGHS]
Your, uh--
Your supper is cooked.
Better come and eat.
You're too skinny.
NORMAN: And yet, my friends,
when all is said and done...
...there still remains the fact...
...that after 31 years
of devotion and service...
...David Lewin is leaving us.
And so to you, David Lewin...
...to whatever far places
the winds of time may blow you.
ILLYA:
Arabia was starving...
...pinioned under the cruelty
of the Turkish thumb.
It was then that my father came
to your people.
It was then that my father
and the great Prince Faisal...
...did bring together all the hitherto
divergent tribes in the desert.
Donning the white burnoose
of your people...
...to hide the yellow of his hair
and the foreign pallor of his skin...
...he made of your people
a great mobile army.
A massive unit of Arabian steel...
...descending out of the dunes
in a shrieking scourge...
...to wreak havoc upon the enemy.
And the enemy knew him well,
my father.
And the world
came to know him well too.
This quiet, complex,
blond young man in Arabia.
And at the end of it all...
mailer Aqaba...
...after the steaming hell of the Sinai...
...and the cutting of the railways
at Matraq and Ala! and Mezerib...
...after all this...
...my father gave back to the tribes,
back to Arabia, the greatest gift of all:
Damascus, the jeweled city.
And my father's labor was done.
[MURMURING]
MAN:
Truly, he is the son of Lawrence.
In time of trouble, ignorant people
grab too anxiously at the straws of hope.
What they see in that young man
diminishes my leadership.
Tonight, when my daughter sleeps,
you will take him far into the desert...
...and you will return without him.
All right, speak to me, musclehead.
Now, do we get that steel bathtub open
or do I perform a messy frontal Iobotomy?
[GASPING]
But I don't know.
I couldn't open it no matter what.
All right, who could open it? Who?
Mr. Norman.
He's the only one that has the combination.
All right, you're going out
to that intercom system...
...and you're going to page
your Mr. Norman.
Keep in mind that behind you
is one very well-dressed...
...and very nervous homicidal maniac.
Get up.
I don't care what it involves,
arrange for in-flight refueling.
Mr. Norman's plane
will leave directly for Arabia.
[GROANING]
Red warning. Red warning.
Seal all exits, vents and ducts,
we've got a trespasser.
SOLO:
Come on, up.
[ALARM WAILING]
Uninvited guest, sir.
He clobbered Johnson and--
Where's the corridor guard?
Spread out, units of two.
No one in here.
You forgot to mention
they have a steel vault.
Norman's going to the Arabian station
tonight, Rockaway Airport.
Well, that's some help.
Let's get out of here.
No, no. No, I'm frightened.
- Come on.
- Here, you take this.
- Come on.
- No. Leave me alone.
You get out of here. Leave me alone.
[SIGHS]
Be sure. Check all air conditioning vents
and generator room.
Well, whoever he is,
he didn't come in with one of us.
Who was the last guest to arrive?
Lewin.
Lewin, who arrived late and alone.
There's the guard.
You, guard.
[GUNSHOTS]
NORMAN [OVER INTERCOM]:
I assume you're standing rather Unhappily...
...at the kitchen door right now...
...wandering if there's another way out.
There isn't one, I'm afraid.
You see, I sealed the door electrically
from up here.
Why don't you make yourself a sandwich?
I'll be right down.
[GUARD YELLS]
[GRUNTING]
SULADOR:
Stop it!
Stop it, I say!
Did I send you to attack my own daughter,
you insect-ridden slime?
You send these two ridiculous creatures
to take my property?
[SOPHIE SIGHS]
Why, Papa? Why?
Perhaps it is because the great Sulador
is afraid.
[MURMURING]
Why else would he send this scum
to snuff me out?
It is because he is afraid...
...that I, and not he, am able to lead you
against this evil thing...
...that has killed your men
and your grazing stock...
...and led you to ruin.
You may lead my people, foreigner,
if you remain alive to do so.
Woman, kindle the fire.
- Papa, ple--
- See to it!
And all of you shall judge the merits of him
who would usurp my authority...
...as soon as the weapons
have been prepared.
NORMAN:
Well. Well, we're moving soon anyway.
Johnson, I hope you're sufficiently
recovered to fly my plane.
We wouldn't want to endanger
our passenger's life.
I should just toss you
to Thrush Central, you know?
Let them peel your skin 0”.
Unfortunately, your treason would reflect
on my own record.
But why take me to Arabia?
Mr. Lewin, we have some
in-flight chatting to do, you and I...
...regarding your final retirement.
You know, our experimental vaporizer
might we" use another guinea pig...
...with which to test its potency.
And Lewin,
you did engender a security leak.
Mr. Norman, please.
On the other hand...
...you could choose to tell me the nature
of your disgusting conduct...
...what that U.N.C.L.E. agent
was seeking.
The Arabian file.
- What?
- Well, they know about the vaporizer.
- And the new location?
- Well, I--
- Lewin!
- I don't know how much they know...
...sir.
I see.
Well, well, it seems
that an ounce of prevention is in order.
I'll have the vaporizer moved
to a new location...
...before an U.N.C.L.E. attack
can even be mounted.
Thank you, Lewin.
ILLYA:
How original. Red-hot pokers.
You see? You see?
My father binds his own legs
so as not to win by an advantage, hmm?
- If you should do harm to Sulador, I--
- A skinny little fellow like me?
Why don't you take
that sparsely furnished mind of yours...
...and go and join
the other elderly unmarried women?
[SOPHIE GASPS]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
You're not to kill him, you understand?
I mean, after all, he is my possession.
And if you think I'm gonna wait six months
for my new camel--
Enough!
This is no minor affair.
[PEOPLE YELLING]
Does Sulador yield?
Yield?
I am not so small a man, foreigner.
No, Sulador does not yield.
The wound should be redressed.
It is a brave thing
to throw victory away...
...to let an adversary live.
My people will follow you.
I, Sulador, shall decree it.
In two hours, the light will come.
You rest till then.
The girl would like
to help with the leg.
[SULADOR CHUCKLES]
All right,
I'll meet him as soon as he lands.
Spit and polish in here
for the next couple of hours, gentlemen.
We're having visitors.
Oh.
You feel good?
I feel good, thank you.
Here. Here is the white burnoose
of the leader.
Sulador gives it.
Thank you.
I shall try to wear it with honor.
You tell Sulador to pick his best men.
If they're having visitors, they'll be
opening those steel doors of theirs.
- Mr. Norman--
- My aide is still in the plane.
Tell your men he'll be following
with a prisoner.
Let's go, Lewin.
They're not gonna hold these doors open
for us any longer.
[GRUNTING]
How did you get here?
Make up your mind. At least with me,
you've got some chance.
LEWIN: What?
- All right, they haven't seen him...
...so until we're inside,
I'm he and you're my little Thrush prisoner.
- Inside?
- Give me a hand with him.
I wanna get a shot at that vaporizer.
Let's get his clothes off.
MAN: So with the potency at 3.4, we're
able to get the vaporization going much--
Captain, I am trying to impress upon you
the urgency of this matter.
- The vaporizer must be moved.
- There's no need to shout, Mr. Norman.
This is a small station.
- I just don't have the authority 10--
- Captain!
You don't have the time
to get the authority from Thrush Central...
...your mother or anybody else.
I take full responsibility.
Attention, all personnel...
...this is emergency evacuation K-D,
effect immediate.
Repeat, effect immediate.
Now, as to that remark about my mother,
Mr. Norman...
Whoever belongs to that plane
will have to come out sooner or later.
And when those steel doors open:
All right, stay here
where you won't be underfoot.
Go on.
Is that somebody's children
having a Halloween party?
No, no. They're intermolecular.
The engineers use them for, uh, protection
against the vaporizer.
[RATTLING]
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
[WHIRRING]
[TAPPING]
Now.
[GUNSHOTS]
NORMAN: Get inside.
MAN: Open fire.
Follow that Kuryakin.
NORMAN:
Get the door closed.
NORMAN:
Tum around. Use the vaporizer.
- But our own men...
- Use it!
I'll close the entrance doors
from the control panel.
SOLO: No. Stay with it, David.
you're doing great.
Whoever you are, my friend,
I should like to thank you.
I should have known who it was
when I saw you trip over you own feet.
Gee, I wish I had a dress like that.
I guess U.N.C.L.E. owes you
and Mrs. Lewin a boat...
...with a lot of anonymity
to sail it around in.
Well, we'd be most grateful, Mr. Solo.
I look for skinny young man
with yellow hair.
You've seen him?
Uh,well, I...
He is one of us now, we keep him.
Uh, I keep him.
Oh, you keep him? I see.
Well, I think that limping bunny there
is, uh, the one you, um...
[GASPS]
Right there. Excuse.
Very disturbed young man.
[ENGLISH SDH]
- Yes, sir.
With the bubbles less dense,
it should be more easily disposable.
That's fine,
but not at the expense of potency.
It must be potent.
- Three-point-four, at least, sir.
- Three-point-four, my goodness.
Well, let's have a look, shall we?
You in there,
stop wiggling around, please.
All right, let's get on with it.
Let's go, Harvey.
[SCREAMING]
At 3.4, that should suffice.
- Blow it out. Let's see what we've got.
- Yes, sir.
All right, Harvey, tum on the fans.
Excellent. Excellent.
He dissolved beautifully.
We figure Kuryakin was probably
some place near the Gulf of Aqaba...
...at the time his report was interrupted.
Although the Thrush
experimental lab itself...
...could be hidden in any
01a hundred desert wadis...
...from Mecca north to Damascus,
we just don't know yet.
Well, we'd better know, and soon.
No horse, no provisions.
What is he doing there, that one?
Oh. Oh, so now before you rob
and attack a man...
...you worry whether or not
it will disturb him, huh?
Be careful with your tongue, daughter.
Sophie, you do not talk to me like that
in front of my own men, please.
Come on, you leave those two baboons
of yours alone, they will capture each other.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
ILLYA:
Aah!
- Take what he has and finish him.
- No!
- It was my knife that took him, he's mine.
- What kind of nonsense--?
For months you promised me
a new camel, no? Huh?
All right, then, I take--
No!
Now. Now I take this skinny little fellow
who is my property and I sell him.
I sell him at the marketplace at Aqaba...
...and I get enough money
to buy me a new camel.
SULADOR:
Oh, no, woman.
You two, go get the horses.
Quickly, you lizard-eyed filth.
Sophie, the camel I did promise, yes.
but not to kill a traveler.
- It is against tradition.
SOPHIE: Hmm?
Look at him, my daughter,
look at that leg.
So we cut off the leg.
I sell him as is anyway, half price.
But he will bleed to death.
So then I sell only his yellow hair
and throw the rest of him away.
Here's another one.
In not one dossier that U.N.C.L.E. possesses
on Thrush personnel...
...is there any information about a man
after his 65th birthday.
So what? They probably retire them
just like anybody else.
That's just it. If any of Thrush's
retired personnel were still around...
...we'd have a record, wouldn't we?
But we've got nothing.
Check with Mr. Waverly,
see if he's busy.
You mean when Thrush retires their
personnel at 65, they make it permanent?
Mr. Waverly, would you please?
You'd better inform Personnel...
...that we don't expect
Mr. Kuryakin to be returning.
Oh, he'll tum up, sir.
It's only been 48 hours.
He is pretty good at making it up
as he goes along, you know.
Wishful thinking, I'm afraid.
The Arabian desert isn't quite
Palm Springs, you know.
[TELEPHONE BEEPING]
- Yes?
- Mr. Waverly, it's me again.
Research Department?
Ask him about IIIya.
Good grief, woman, can't you and Mr. Solo
find someone else to bother today?
I appreciate his concern
about Mr. Kuryakin--
It's only that, sir, he thought you might
talk to him for a moment about an idea--
Young woman, as I've told you
three times today--
Uh, yes, Mr. Waverly.
Mitzi, assuming that, uh, Thrush does very
quietly knock off its personnel at age 65...
...and assuming that the prospective
retirees are not aware of the fact...
...that they're going to get
an unexpected death benefit...
...if we could get a hold
of a little old Thrush man...
IIIya was looking for that lab where
Thrush was developing a new vaporizer.
All right, get me all of the dossiers...
...on, uh, Research and Development
of Thrush personnel.
And play a little, Mitzi...
...that we find a nice,
retiring Thrush gentleman.
MAN:
One, one.
Floor, one, two.
Peter--
Well, Lewin.
- Hello, Mr. Norman.
- Big day, huh?
Oh, that wasn't too bad, sir.
Of course, the shipment of these
final chemicals for the Arabian project--
Oh, that.
That isn't quite what I meant, Lewin.
I'm sorry, sir.
What did you have in mind?
Good heavens, man.
have you forgotten your own retirement?
Oh.
Uh, no, I haven't, sir. Uh...
It's just the Arabian project
has been on my mind--
Ah, you forget that and relax.
After the dinner Thrush gives you tonight,
you won't have a worry in the world.
Thank you, Mr. Norman.
- Uh, I'll be there promptly, sir.
- I'll look forward to seeing you.
Unbelievable old man.
You know, we probably won't be able
to kill him like the others.
We'll have to bash him with a stick
until his mainspring breaks.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
David, I really don't think we're even
going to have to touch the savings.
- Your pension should--
- What about the boat?
No, I figured that in. Oh...
Oh, David, I really can't believe it.
Retirement. Oh...
LEWIN:
Yes.
Those were good years with Thrush.
Watching the company grow,
being a pan of it all.
David?
- David.
- Go to the bedroom and stay there.
SOLO:
Mr. Lewin.
Mr. Lewin, you're much too close
to the good life for that.
Put the gun down, please, on the desk.
Thank you.
Now, uh, Mr. Lewin, my crystal ball has it
that Thrush is going to favor you...
...with a retirement dinner
and a gold pocket watch...
...for 31 years of self-sacrificing loyalty,
is that, uh, correct?
Who are you?
How did you know where I live?
Well, ahem, when a man retires,
he generally takes a trip.
You left your address with a travel agent,
Hound him and found you.
Won't you please sit down here?
Now, as your brand-new, friendly U.N.C.L.E.
insurance agent, I'd like to tell you--
U.N.C.L.E.? Now, look, I, uh--
I was in the Transportation section.
I never" I never--
At least, let my wife--
Mr. Lewin, would you please not interrupt
my sales pitch?
Now, the moment one retires from Thrush,
you not only cease to be an asset...
...you become a distinct liability...
...because you know all those
dark, dirty little secrets, don't you?
Now, we know you're going to retire...
...but if you'll peruse
this carefully-drawn file...
...I think you'll notice
that they're also going to kill you.
[MRS. LEWIN GASPS]
SOLO:
Go ahead, examine it.
I'm certain you'll find U.N.C.L.E.'s
fringe benefits far superior.
Take a look, please.
Could you make me a little tea,
please, Mrs. Lewin?
Thank you.
Go ahead, examine it.
How do you do?
Oh, thank you very much.
I take care of the leg.
They do not cut it off.
[GROANS]
That's very, very kind.
Oh, no, that's business.
One entire man
buys one entire camel in Aqaba.
Aqaba.
Listen, I have to get there
to send a message. It's extremely--
It would be very dangerous
if you lose any more blood.
You make no more noise,
you lose no more blood, all right?
Huh?
But ever since Charlie Jacobs retired
from Thrush...
...we've been getting postcards
from Majorca about the living conditions.
No, no. Your friend Charlie Jacobs
was assassinated...
...two days
after he had his retirement dinner.
That's his morgue photo right there.
How did they, uh...?
SOLO:
They gave him a gold watch. Engraved.
Very much as I expect
they're going to give you.
Forty-eight hours later, it blew up.
And he was thrown halfway
across the English Channel.
But you don't understand, Mr. Solo.
Thrush has always given David
wonderful accident and health benefits...
...a stock-option plan even.
Remember when I had
that horrible appendicitis, how they"?
- Yes.
SOLO: Mrs. Lewin...
...your husband is 65 years of age.
And without our help,
meaning U.N.C.L.E.'s help...
...his life expectancy
on the actuarial tables is zero.
[MRS. LEWIN GASPS]
SOLO:
That fact should be evident.
Look at that.
It is.
After 31 years...
What do you want me to do?
I want the files, statistics, location...
...and all programming
on the experimental Thrush vaporizer.
Listen, I very much regret the demise
of your previous camel, but...
You mentioned other animals...
...belonging to your people
have also died recently.
And the water holes polluted
and the grazing foliage rotted.
Sometimes I think
this land is cursed against us.
And your people themselves...
...have any disappeared
in the last month or so?
What do you know about that?
How many men have you lost?
Seven, the first one two months ago.
But what is that to you?
- Guinea pigs for Thrush.
- What? What are you saying there?
There's something going on
that you ought to know about.
- What?
- I think you shut up now...
...so you don't confuse anyone.
You're the chief of this tribe, aren't you?
- If you lead me to Aqaba, I will help you--
- You'll get to Aqaba, skinny little fellow...
...when you are healthy enough
to bring me a good price. Eat. Eat.
I can help you get rid of the misfortunes
that your people--
SULADOR:
Sulador does not require assistance.
I do not like you.
You give me indigestion
with your busy mouth.
You give me indigestion again,
I rip out your stomach.
And in return for the file on the vaporizer
and its location...
...U.N.C.L.E. will guarantee--
Safety to live out
your retirement years in peace.
Now, where is the file?
I never was a very important
Thrush operative, Mr. Solo.
The Transportation Department
is what one might call overhead...
...but I am a highly-trained one.
May I have your U.N.C.L.E.
pocket communicator, please?
My--?
If I told you the location of the file...
...what's to prevent you
or a superior that you report to...
...from going there and getting it
and leaving me high and dry?
No, Mr. Solo,
you and I will go there together.
Ito my dinner and you to get the file.
It's the same place.
If we come out of this alive,
then, uh, you'll get this back.
I'd appreciate it.
Hazel, will you phone a tuxedo shop
for Mr. Solo?
I'm a perfect 39, Hazel.
There's one condition,
I don't want my wife exposed to danger.
Now, she gets to a safe place
before you and I go anywhere.
All right, agreed.
Now, the Thrush office...
...is, I think you'll find,
in a usual building...
...but in a rather unusual spot
in that building.
Have you ever noticed
that in most hotels and office buildings...
...there's no 13th floor?
Same thing applies to the building
Thrush has been using.
The public elevator goes
from the 12th floor to the 14th floor.
No one even wonders
whether there's a 13th floor.
Well, there is, Mr. Solo.
And every single day,
at least until we move to a new location...
...a few hundred people blithely travel
up and down the public elevator...
...directly past a major Thrush
nerve center.
Now, Mr. Solo,
I'll show you a more private elevator.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
Here's the map I drew
so you'll know where to go.
Now you stay have out of sight.
In exactly three minutes,
I'll send the elevator down for you.
Oh, from this point on,
I don't know you.
I never heard of you.
If you're discovered, then I'll be screaming
for your head just like the rest of them.
Ah, the guest of honor.
Nice to see you, Lewin.
But where is Mrs. Lewin?
I'm afraid that's why I'm late, sir.
Um, her arthritis was just--
- She gets it down this arm...
- That's unfortunate.
That's unfortunate. At any rate...
...George, would you take care
of our guest of honor?
- Hello, David, so nice to see you.
- Thank you.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Ladies and gentlemen,
into the main salon, if you will.
Time for the festivities.
[WHISTLING]
Hi. Listen, did you ever see anything--?
Look, isn't that the oddest--?
[GRUNTING]
Uh, guard, this door was supposed to be
left open, why wasn't it?
Well, sir, I don't know.
Nobody said anything to me about it.
Well, I'm saying something. Open it.
Yes, sir.
Uh, it you don't mind, sir, perhaps
I'd better check first with Mr. Norman.
All right, uh, I'll walk along with you.
[CHATTERING]
Oh, by the way, Lewin.
you know, you were right, as usual.
We do have a problem
with the Arabian chemicals.
Johnson will be flying me down there
tonight right after dinner.
Oh, as a matter of fact,
George, telephone Rockaway...
...make sure my plane's ready.
Oh, and George...
Excuse me.
I sent Johnson to check on the validity
of Mrs. Lewin's arthritic absence.
He hasn't come back.
Probably nothing,
but keep an eye out for him, will you?
How's it going?
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[MUTTERING]
Talk, talk, talk.
[MUTTERING]
I did not tell you to stand up,
that leg has value to me.
[ILLYA SIGHS]
[ILLYA GRUNTS]
Why did you take
that bucket from me?
Huh?
To be polite, you silly little girl.
And before you open that nasty,
flapping mouth of yours...
...I suggest that you study up a bit
on that trivial amenity called courtesy.
No wonder you're still unmarried
at your age. Oh!
Ow!
You. You with the pale blue eyes
and the golden hair.
Oh, yes, the hair. Ha-ha!
You know what those hags
are saying about you?
They're saying that you remind them
of another blond young fellow...
...who came along time ago
from far away, from out west.
A great warrior
who never were a uniform.
He came to liberate the desert
and to glorify our tribes.
Ha-ha-ha!
You. You, the filthy hero of Arabia.
[MUTTERS]
[SIGHS]
Your, uh--
Your supper is cooked.
Better come and eat.
You're too skinny.
NORMAN: And yet, my friends,
when all is said and done...
...there still remains the fact...
...that after 31 years
of devotion and service...
...David Lewin is leaving us.
And so to you, David Lewin...
...to whatever far places
the winds of time may blow you.
ILLYA:
Arabia was starving...
...pinioned under the cruelty
of the Turkish thumb.
It was then that my father came
to your people.
It was then that my father
and the great Prince Faisal...
...did bring together all the hitherto
divergent tribes in the desert.
Donning the white burnoose
of your people...
...to hide the yellow of his hair
and the foreign pallor of his skin...
...he made of your people
a great mobile army.
A massive unit of Arabian steel...
...descending out of the dunes
in a shrieking scourge...
...to wreak havoc upon the enemy.
And the enemy knew him well,
my father.
And the world
came to know him well too.
This quiet, complex,
blond young man in Arabia.
And at the end of it all...
mailer Aqaba...
...after the steaming hell of the Sinai...
...and the cutting of the railways
at Matraq and Ala! and Mezerib...
...after all this...
...my father gave back to the tribes,
back to Arabia, the greatest gift of all:
Damascus, the jeweled city.
And my father's labor was done.
[MURMURING]
MAN:
Truly, he is the son of Lawrence.
In time of trouble, ignorant people
grab too anxiously at the straws of hope.
What they see in that young man
diminishes my leadership.
Tonight, when my daughter sleeps,
you will take him far into the desert...
...and you will return without him.
All right, speak to me, musclehead.
Now, do we get that steel bathtub open
or do I perform a messy frontal Iobotomy?
[GASPING]
But I don't know.
I couldn't open it no matter what.
All right, who could open it? Who?
Mr. Norman.
He's the only one that has the combination.
All right, you're going out
to that intercom system...
...and you're going to page
your Mr. Norman.
Keep in mind that behind you
is one very well-dressed...
...and very nervous homicidal maniac.
Get up.
I don't care what it involves,
arrange for in-flight refueling.
Mr. Norman's plane
will leave directly for Arabia.
[GROANING]
Red warning. Red warning.
Seal all exits, vents and ducts,
we've got a trespasser.
SOLO:
Come on, up.
[ALARM WAILING]
Uninvited guest, sir.
He clobbered Johnson and--
Where's the corridor guard?
Spread out, units of two.
No one in here.
You forgot to mention
they have a steel vault.
Norman's going to the Arabian station
tonight, Rockaway Airport.
Well, that's some help.
Let's get out of here.
No, no. No, I'm frightened.
- Come on.
- Here, you take this.
- Come on.
- No. Leave me alone.
You get out of here. Leave me alone.
[SIGHS]
Be sure. Check all air conditioning vents
and generator room.
Well, whoever he is,
he didn't come in with one of us.
Who was the last guest to arrive?
Lewin.
Lewin, who arrived late and alone.
There's the guard.
You, guard.
[GUNSHOTS]
NORMAN [OVER INTERCOM]:
I assume you're standing rather Unhappily...
...at the kitchen door right now...
...wandering if there's another way out.
There isn't one, I'm afraid.
You see, I sealed the door electrically
from up here.
Why don't you make yourself a sandwich?
I'll be right down.
[GUARD YELLS]
[GRUNTING]
SULADOR:
Stop it!
Stop it, I say!
Did I send you to attack my own daughter,
you insect-ridden slime?
You send these two ridiculous creatures
to take my property?
[SOPHIE SIGHS]
Why, Papa? Why?
Perhaps it is because the great Sulador
is afraid.
[MURMURING]
Why else would he send this scum
to snuff me out?
It is because he is afraid...
...that I, and not he, am able to lead you
against this evil thing...
...that has killed your men
and your grazing stock...
...and led you to ruin.
You may lead my people, foreigner,
if you remain alive to do so.
Woman, kindle the fire.
- Papa, ple--
- See to it!
And all of you shall judge the merits of him
who would usurp my authority...
...as soon as the weapons
have been prepared.
NORMAN:
Well. Well, we're moving soon anyway.
Johnson, I hope you're sufficiently
recovered to fly my plane.
We wouldn't want to endanger
our passenger's life.
I should just toss you
to Thrush Central, you know?
Let them peel your skin 0”.
Unfortunately, your treason would reflect
on my own record.
But why take me to Arabia?
Mr. Lewin, we have some
in-flight chatting to do, you and I...
...regarding your final retirement.
You know, our experimental vaporizer
might we" use another guinea pig...
...with which to test its potency.
And Lewin,
you did engender a security leak.
Mr. Norman, please.
On the other hand...
...you could choose to tell me the nature
of your disgusting conduct...
...what that U.N.C.L.E. agent
was seeking.
The Arabian file.
- What?
- Well, they know about the vaporizer.
- And the new location?
- Well, I--
- Lewin!
- I don't know how much they know...
...sir.
I see.
Well, well, it seems
that an ounce of prevention is in order.
I'll have the vaporizer moved
to a new location...
...before an U.N.C.L.E. attack
can even be mounted.
Thank you, Lewin.
ILLYA:
How original. Red-hot pokers.
You see? You see?
My father binds his own legs
so as not to win by an advantage, hmm?
- If you should do harm to Sulador, I--
- A skinny little fellow like me?
Why don't you take
that sparsely furnished mind of yours...
...and go and join
the other elderly unmarried women?
[SOPHIE GASPS]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
You're not to kill him, you understand?
I mean, after all, he is my possession.
And if you think I'm gonna wait six months
for my new camel--
Enough!
This is no minor affair.
[PEOPLE YELLING]
Does Sulador yield?
Yield?
I am not so small a man, foreigner.
No, Sulador does not yield.
The wound should be redressed.
It is a brave thing
to throw victory away...
...to let an adversary live.
My people will follow you.
I, Sulador, shall decree it.
In two hours, the light will come.
You rest till then.
The girl would like
to help with the leg.
[SULADOR CHUCKLES]
All right,
I'll meet him as soon as he lands.
Spit and polish in here
for the next couple of hours, gentlemen.
We're having visitors.
Oh.
You feel good?
I feel good, thank you.
Here. Here is the white burnoose
of the leader.
Sulador gives it.
Thank you.
I shall try to wear it with honor.
You tell Sulador to pick his best men.
If they're having visitors, they'll be
opening those steel doors of theirs.
- Mr. Norman--
- My aide is still in the plane.
Tell your men he'll be following
with a prisoner.
Let's go, Lewin.
They're not gonna hold these doors open
for us any longer.
[GRUNTING]
How did you get here?
Make up your mind. At least with me,
you've got some chance.
LEWIN: What?
- All right, they haven't seen him...
...so until we're inside,
I'm he and you're my little Thrush prisoner.
- Inside?
- Give me a hand with him.
I wanna get a shot at that vaporizer.
Let's get his clothes off.
MAN: So with the potency at 3.4, we're
able to get the vaporization going much--
Captain, I am trying to impress upon you
the urgency of this matter.
- The vaporizer must be moved.
- There's no need to shout, Mr. Norman.
This is a small station.
- I just don't have the authority 10--
- Captain!
You don't have the time
to get the authority from Thrush Central...
...your mother or anybody else.
I take full responsibility.
Attention, all personnel...
...this is emergency evacuation K-D,
effect immediate.
Repeat, effect immediate.
Now, as to that remark about my mother,
Mr. Norman...
Whoever belongs to that plane
will have to come out sooner or later.
And when those steel doors open:
All right, stay here
where you won't be underfoot.
Go on.
Is that somebody's children
having a Halloween party?
No, no. They're intermolecular.
The engineers use them for, uh, protection
against the vaporizer.
[RATTLING]
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
[WHIRRING]
[TAPPING]
Now.
[GUNSHOTS]
NORMAN: Get inside.
MAN: Open fire.
Follow that Kuryakin.
NORMAN:
Get the door closed.
NORMAN:
Tum around. Use the vaporizer.
- But our own men...
- Use it!
I'll close the entrance doors
from the control panel.
SOLO: No. Stay with it, David.
you're doing great.
Whoever you are, my friend,
I should like to thank you.
I should have known who it was
when I saw you trip over you own feet.
Gee, I wish I had a dress like that.
I guess U.N.C.L.E. owes you
and Mrs. Lewin a boat...
...with a lot of anonymity
to sail it around in.
Well, we'd be most grateful, Mr. Solo.
I look for skinny young man
with yellow hair.
You've seen him?
Uh,well, I...
He is one of us now, we keep him.
Uh, I keep him.
Oh, you keep him? I see.
Well, I think that limping bunny there
is, uh, the one you, um...
[GASPS]
Right there. Excuse.
Very disturbed young man.
[ENGLISH SDH]