The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Deadly Toys Affair - full transcript

The moment you set foot in Switzerland,
they'd whisk the boy away.

Thrush must not have an inkling,
not the slightest inkling...

...that you've come over to our side.
And this terrible intelligence you bring us...

...this poison gas in your secret plant
on the coast...

...I tell you that plant will be destroyed
within 12 hours. Within 12--

WAVERLY: Return Dr. Warshowsky to
his hotel. Better leave a few aspirin too.

Keep him under 24-hour surveillance.
Under no consideration, lose him.

This was four seconds slow this time.
Perhaps the rubber is rotting.

- Who is he?
- Armand Warshowsky.

The father of that boy genius
who was in the papers.

Oh, yes.



And Thrush's
California scientist in residence.

Is he with us now?

Isn't this rather a drastic measure?

Yes. And necessary.

Desperate men always seem to think
they can do everything by themselves.

Hmm? Oh, I wasn't in danger.

Thrush has the Warshowsky boy
in Switzerland, at school.

His father wants him out of there.

He doesn't seem to understand the danger
of precipitous action.

But he did bring us
some fascinating information.

Yes, fascinating and terrifying.

Here's his secret plant.

We must destroy it.
You leave immediately.

- What's there?
- Enough poisonous hypnotic gas...



...to put the half of southern California
to sleep, permanently.

Destroy it, Mr. Solo. Whatever the cost.

Including me, of course.

You know, sometimes I get the feeling
I'm terribly expendable.

Oh. You are.

And you're very welcome to it.

[GUARD GRUNTS]

[ALARM SOUNDING]

[COMMUNICATOR BEEPING]

[GUNSHOTS]

WAVERLY:
Mr- Sofa?

I would have called earlier,
but it's taken longer than I expected.

We“, be careful.
You're no longer expendable, either of you.

- Now, sir, that touches me.
- Dr. Warshawsky has skipped.

- I need you both, urgently.
- Yes, sir.

Get Kurvakin after him.
The night plane to Geneva over the pole.

- You report back here by the morning-
- Yes.

- Er, one other thing, Mr- Sofa-
- Yes, sir?

- Blaw up that tower immediately, please.
- Right away, sir.

[GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOTS]

[TICKING]

[TICKING]

[TOY AIRPLANES BUZZING]

Warshowsky.

Warshowsky is the only one
who could have given that information.

They could never have exploded the plant
without it. Five whole years wasted.

No, no, no. Not here, not now, Noubar.

It's prize day, you see.
We have all the parents here.

Oh, no. As headmaster of La Chapelle,
I will not permit it.

You will not permit it?

It will put the boy in the hands of Thrush
once and for all.

And that's our only interest, really.

Strange, the ways of providence.

To bring this brilliant mind
stumbling into our lives...

...merely through the accident
of employing his father.

- Noubar, there's going to be trouble.
- Yes, I know. Isn't it exciting?

- Mr. Telemakian--
- What are you doing here?

I told you not to take your eyes off
young Warshowsky for one moment.

Do you want to spoil everything?

But" Sir, there's a report
of an U.N.C.L.E. agent in the village.

So. Perfect.

Start the model-plane competition, Basil.
I need a few sound effects.

NOUBAR: Relax, Aristide, relax.
I have prepared for everything.

The child will be an orphan in, uh...

In 30 minutes. 01 less.

Oh, Saint Ursula.
What do you want me to do?

Get back to the buy, both of you.
And whatever you do...

...keep him away from his father.
Do you understand?

Order the car.

I will take care of the U.N.C.L.E. agent,
personally.

[TOY AIRPLANES BUZZING]

Yes, yes, doctor. Bartlett is brilliant.
There's no doubt about it.

But I beg you to reconsider
removing your son from the school.

Well, he has all his friends here.
Why, young Basil for example.

Well, they are inseparable.

And to push him into California
Institute of Technology at the age of 13?

Oh, think what it will do
to his social personality, doctor.

[ENGINE STALLING]

See that, Dad? The trajectory was
just as I said. The computer was wrong.

Bartlett, computers are never wrong.
That's why they are computers.

Now, back to the playing field.
There's a good fellow.

Back to your little companions. Basil...

We can't give him any special attention
or privileges.

His head is turned enough already
with all this publicity.

[GRUNTING]

[STUDENTS YELLING]

[YELLING]

ILLYA:
Here, my hand. Hang on to my-- Here.

[GRUNTING]

[ROCKS SLIDING]

[THUD]

[STATIC CRACKLING]

-0pen Channel D.
- Come in, Mr. Kuryakin.

Plan H has failed. I was too late.
Warshowsky is dead.

[SIGHS]

We activate Plan G.

Return at once.

Maud Muller, an a summer's day,
flaked the meadow sweet with hay.

01 words to that eff--

You're a dropout.

[CHUCKLES]

Your attention, please, Mr. Solo?

Your cover this time is as representative
of the Oneida Trick and Novelty Company.

Only ginger beer.
But we can use anything, except nerve gas.

That seems to lot the rubber.

Rubber pheasant's eggs.

They lay down
an impenetrable smoke screen.

Sneezing powder. What's this for, Sarah?

- Instant emphysema.
- Ah, yes.

All guaranteed not only to protect you
but to arouse the interest of a teenage boy.

They will also appear transparently innocent
to the casual observer.

Ah, we're picking up the matinee
at the Radio City Music Hall.

Marvelous for penitentiaries.

Stone walls do not a prison make.

It's a family of geniuses.

But this boy is the most brilliant
of them all.

Although he's only 13, his IQ is already
too high to be measured meaningfully.

Well, how did Warshowsky
get involved with Thrush?

You remember all that publicity
about the boy? Caltech's test?

Thrush was determined to get him early.

As the twig is bent. Hmm? You know?

They offered his father a job
and education for the boy.

And I'm to get young Warshowsky
away from Thrush.

Oh, he's one of the great minds
of our century.

Our government regards young Bartlett as
one of the most important national assets.

The future may well depend on
what you do during the next few days.

Who has custody of him now?

Ah, that's the problem.

The nearest living relative is the actress
Eltie van Donck.

Mm.

That's another reason why you'll find
Mr. Kuryakin on the plane with you tonight.

What? Why?

Insurance.

Just in the event the lady doesn't,
possibly, respond to you.

[CHUCKLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Thank you.

- Oh! Oh, I beg your pardon.
- Ha-ha. Oh.

- Oh, I've ruined your newspaper.
- No, that's all right.

It's only Navaya Zarya.

Do you read Russian? How exciting.

You know, I can't even
put a sentence together properly in English.

Really? With everything else
so nicely put together...

...it doesn't really matter, does it?
Ha-ha-ha.

Now, seriously. The parts of speech
have always bewildered me.

Can you tell me the difference
between who and whom and me and I?

Why don't you sit here?

And I'll start by pointing out
the difference between his and hers.

Ooh. Ha-ha.

- Hot or cold cereal, Mr. Solo?
JOANNA: Mm.

SOLO:
Oh. Uh...

Is it that time already?

Oh! Don't look. Don't look.

Stewardess, get my hairdresser.
He's back in tourist, 12-B.

And don't you dare even peek until I've got
my face and my breakfast diamonds on.

- Your what?
- My breakfast diamonds.

You don't know what a lift it gives a girl
to change her diamonds before coffee.

[YELPS]

- Oh. You got my case by mistake.
- Oh...

[CHUCKLES]

Russian. And now this.
What are you? A foreign spy?

No, I'm Napoleon Solo and I sell tricks
and novelties and various things, wholesale.

[QUACKS]

[LAUGHS]

Here's something new.
One of our hottest items.

It's for the girl who wants to know
if someone is following behind her.

Oh, really? Oh, marvy.

I can see behind me.

Good morning, Kuryakin.
Comb me out, please?

Don't drop anything.

Elfie, man about.

Noubar, schnookieputzie.

Oh, Miss van Donck, when are you going to
do another of your glorious film romances?

Miss, is it true you are secretly married
to the Aga Khan's cousin?

Darlings, I'm returned from wonderful trip
to Outer Mongolia.

First of all, I'm going to this marvelous
place where they push up complexion...

...back into shape with wet sheets.
Is heaven.

Then I'm going to do very exciting thing.
Free-fall parachute jump...

...over Amsterdam,
from an airplane in August.

But first of all,
and this most important thing...

...I'm hereto see little nephew.
Genius nephew, he is.

Oh, such a tragic accident.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

- Elfie.
ELFIE: Joanna, darling.

- Ah, good girl.
- You've gone blond.

Oh, is tragic accident. The yak-butter
shampoo, it backfired. Ha-ha!

- Elfie, uh...?
- Van Donck.

You see me on the late, late show?

Oh, yeah, constantly. Yes, indeed.

- Where you find such comely men?
- Mm.

I've been surrounded with nothing but yaks
for six weeks.

- Sit down, darling. Will you behave?
- Touring Army bases with that comedian?

Gobi Desert, darling.
Where are you off to?

I am first of all going to La Chapelle
to see my nephew.

Then I have mud pack treatment.
You come with me?

- Oh, I have terrible problems.
- Men again?

Oh, if only it were. I don't have the time.

Is my hair.

You know, five week
on safari in desert, it is like camel whiskers.

I think your hair is beautiful.

Only to another camel, darling.

[LAUGHING]

You still have that traveling hairdresser
you had before? Rachmaninov?

Oh, Rockie went into
the catering business.

Too many egg shampoo?
It was bound to end up in an omelet.

Mm-hm.

- But IIIya here seems promising.
- Oh.

Shall I give him a trial run for you?

How would you like to make mass
of golden spit curl by cocktail time?

NOUBAR:
“Solo, Napoleon.“

U.N.C.L.E. agent.

Plan 13-G.

- Elfie, my darling.
- Noubar.

- My friend, Joanna Lydecker.
NOUBAR: Enchanté.

- We all come in the car with you?
- Well, I'm afraid--

Why don't you come with us,
Miss van Donck?

I have a car waiting.
It should be outside now.

Darling, I adore it.

You take Miss Lydecker
and her luggage to the hotel, Noubar?

- But of course.
- Grand.

Oh, such a charming,
clean-cut, young man.

- So unlike Outer Mongolians.
ELFIE: Mm.

And have you ever lived on yak butter
for six weeks? Ugh. I tell you.

Oh, thank you, darling.
To the left, a little.

Oh, you've heard
about this tragic accident?

[GRUNTING]

Hey.

JO ANNA:
“Na.

JOANNA:
Hey, you. You, you, you, stop that.

Oh, Mr. Solo, what have you got into?

[CLEARS THROAT]

I think it's essence of aardvark.

[SIGHS]

[SNIFFS]
Ugh. Ecch.

Oh, it is regrettable
that your suit was ruined.

But is aardvark spring time in Kenya.
And they are not adjusted.

Oh, yes. Well, what I'd like to know,
Miss van Donck, is--

- Call me Elfie.
- Elfie, yes.

What I'd like to know, Elfie, is, why is it
you were jumping out of an airplane...

...with a parachute over Amsterdam
with aardvarks.

For money, darling.
Advertisement for nylon.

You see, aardvark is very sedentary
little animal, never runs.

So Aardvaark nylon.

With glamorous picture of me,
with little creatures, in mid-air.

You think this will really appeal
to the boy?

Trick water tumbler.

Oh! Ha-ha-ha.

- Well, we sell everything with a guarantee.
- Is marvelous.

Not that there would ever be
any thought of charging.

I'm just interested in seeing how a boy
of his intellect would react to things.

You know, in our business,
we have to keep up.

Oh, if only I had kept up with him.

But always I'm on safari
or I'm making submarine movie.

01 I'm on hunting trip in Gobi Desert.

To him, Aunt Ellie is only glamorous
movie star he see on late, late show.

- Well, don't worry, Elfie.
- Oh, no, call me schnookieputz.

- Schnookieputz?
- Yes.

Don't worry, schnookieputz.
I'll see you through.

Frau Elfie van Donck and escort,
by appointment.

- Why is this school so heavily guarded?
- Oh, this very necessary, they tell me.

They have the president's son
and the prime minister's son.

A lot of princes and nobles.

But, you know, I agree with you.
I think it make me very nervous, this place.

I'm very relieved that we are taking Bartlett
away from here.

Oh?

Where exactly?

Noubar tell me it is criminal to take brilliant
child to cultural desert like United States.

Brilliant genius deserve best education.

And Noubar know of this little school in the
Near East that specialize in nuclear fission.

And where, I told her, the boy will have
every possible educational advantage.

Including computers and reactors
to play with...

...and, if necessary.
his own Van Allen belt.

You would take the boy
to the heart of Thrush itself?

My dear colleague,
this boy's brain is so far in advance...

...01 every other brain of his generation,
that it we seize the initiative now...

...within 15 years,
the child Bartlett Warshowsky...

...may very well be Thrush.

All right, pay attention now
and I'll show you.

If Thrush is to survive,
we must take the long View.

Fifteen years is only a glance.

But when he finds out
we killed his father...

NOUBAR:
But this is not an ordinary mind.

On consideration, he will appreciate
that if he is to become the head of Thrush...

...some small sacrifice has to be made.

And this, gné'dige Frau, is your nephew's
closest and best" How you say in English?

- Buddy.
- Yes, yes, buddy. So expressive.

Yes, it is. It's rather onomatopoetic,
like bi”, zam, wowie.

- Oh, no, Mr. Solo. He is called--
- Basil Raul Georg Reverditti.

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

- Cream or lemon, gné'dige Frau?
- Oh, nothing for me, thank you.

You certainly fill out your uniform
very handsomely.

[HEAD SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

He is a member of our Jugend organization,
our elite. He is a prefect.

Oh.

Of course. He is so mature.

The outdoor life, dear Elfie,
it develops them.

We do so much more outdoor living here
than they do in the States.

There, they are locked up night and day,
in ill-ventilated classrooms.

No windows, no cultural opportunities.

And too many girls.

Oh...

Bartlett, here's something interesting
if you like conch shells. Come over here.

Put this up to your ear
and you can reputedly hear the sea.

- In the Alps, Mr. Solo?
- Mm-hm. Go ahead and try it.

SOLO [ON RECORDING]: I am
Napoleon Sula. I came from the U.N.C.L.E.

You have friends in the United States
who are anxious for you to return home.

- See?
- You can hear the sea, darling?

Vividly.

Something else, Bartlett.
If you like birds, take a look through that.

See, there's the yellow-bellied thrush.

[WHISPERING] I'm not going back
to the States, Mr. Solo.

Stay away from me.

Keep out of this.

“Na?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- You rang, madam?
- Yes. Have you seen my hairdresser?

The beauty salon is downstairs, madam.

My own hairdresser, secretary, companion.
A sweet-looking man named IIIya.

He's all of those things? Farmidable.

I see the gentleman
leave the back entrance, two minutes ago.

He's now, madam, headed toward
the mountain, with alpenstock...

-...and rucksack and--
- And?

- And a girl.
- A girl?

I think they go to celebrate
the vernal equinox.

Not on my time.

If anyone's going to celebrate
the vernal equinox with IIIya, it's me.

[GASPS]

- Where is she?
- Madam?

- Your paramour. That chambermaid.
- Chamber--?

Now, don't try to deny it. I saw you
coming into the woods with her myself.

- At the hotel?
- At the hotel, exactly.

Girl with the mass of red curls.
Probably from the dye pot too.

I was only asking directions.

Well, I've heard it called
a lot of things before but never that.

- In any event, Kuryakin, as my employee...
- Madam, please.

-...any directions you may require--
- I beg you, be quiet.

Don't tell me to be quiet.

If anybody around here's
gonna tell anyone else to be quiet--

JOANNA:
Mm! Mm. Mm...

Madam.

IIIya, please call me Joanna.

Joanna, please.
put your arms above your head.

Yes, darling.

And please, climb this tree.

[BARKING]

[DOG GROWLING AND BARKING]

[JOANNA SCREAMS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Entrez.

Ah, Napoleon.

Oh, thank you, thank you.
Just call me Nappy.

Nappy, yes. Would you like a martini?

- Yes, I'd like--
- Where is dear Joanna?

Now, dear Joanna has disappeared.

Oh, dear boy. Nobody disappear
in Switzerland. Far too many tourists.

With her hairdresser.

She's romancing that nice boy.

No, no, I don't think that's it, you see.

I think that he has a very definite
criminal face. Thank you.

- Did you ever get a look at his ears?
- His ears?

- Yes. Mm-hm.
- No.

I think that he was taking her jewels.
She caught him.

He ran and then she pursued him.

- Nappv-
- Yes.

He was last seen going into the woods
at La Chapelle.

And she was following him.

To the school?
But it is completely surrounded by guards.

After all, the prime minister's son is there,
the grand vizier's boy.

- How could they get in?
- Criminals have their ways.

I'm very concerned about Miss Lydecker.
Anything could happen to her, you know.

Nappy, you're frightening me.

We must get on the grounds
and search for her.

- I'll call the headmaster.
- That won't do. That'll cause a scandal.

- No one must know.
- Oh, God.

Because you could be right, you see.

He might be a hair-curling Casanova trying
to embroil her in some sort of romance.

- Yes, he's very attractive.
- Oh, you think so?

- Well, why?
- Oh, those bangs.

But you are right. We must rescue her
from herself" From him with herself.

- But how we get around the guards?
- You can get past the guards.

They wouldn't think of stopping you.

No, you're quite right.
01 course, I'm famous for my flashing smile.

We're freezing to death.
That's what we're doing, freezing to death.

And it's all your fault.

Playing the Don Juan,
enticing poor chambermaids into the woods.

Just when you were supposed to be
giving me a finger wave.

[SHIVERING]

Very artistic smash-up.

If people come, we say we have
little accident and we've gone for help, no?

ELFIE:
Ah.

Hairpin. The question is,
is it Joanna's hairpin?

No, I think it's a professional hairpin
belonging to that hairdresser.

Like Hansel and Gretel, huh?
Dropping crumbs.

Except this time, Mr. Solo,
I think it is crumb dropping hairpin.

Follow me, please.

As you are as eager to get to the Near East
as we are to have you, dear boy...

...I can drop you off there tonight,
personally, before I go on to Istanbul.

My plane is actually warming up now.

- But Aunt Elfie.
- Why disturb dear, charming Elfie?

She's tired. She's been on safari.

And you don't need her
to settle in where you are going.

Nuclear fission
is hardly her cup of tea, huh?

No.

- Oh. Something happened here, look.
- Yeah, they were here, all right.

[BEEPING]

Inside.

Yeah, IIIya was here
because the boy is up there.

- All right, you wait for me.
- Wait for you?

I'm not Eagle Scout, Amsterdam division,
for nothing.

Alley-cop.

We reach Athens by dawn.

Listen to me.
You have no legal right to take that boy.

You should wait for his aunt.

You involve the school in something
questionable, you destroy it.

For this boy.
I would destroy not only the school...

...but everything in it, including yourself.

[KNOCKING ON WINDOW]

- Aunt Elfie!
- Shh.

Are you going with us, after all?

SOLO: Going? Going where?
- That's why you're here, isn't it?

No, we are searching
for a runaway hairdresser. Where is he?

You are all packed. You are running too?

I'm leaving tonight with Mr. Telemakian.
For the Near East and that famous school.

No, don't be so imaginative, darling.
You are not going anywhere.

Because when you do go, I'm going to take
you there myself, in Noubar's plane.

I'm going to fly you in that marvelous new
machine that I've been practicing in...

...which goes round and round.
What do you call it? It goes: buzz...

Pretty lady, possibly of the cinema?

Mr. Solo, there are two times
when a sense of humor is not in place.

One is when I'm talking
with my darling nephew.

- And the other?
- When I am talking, period.

Now, it is I who decide
when and where you go.

Not Noubar Telemakian, darling.

Thattagirl, don't take anything from men.

Oh, nobody knew
what actresses go through...

...to become great international stars
of screen, radio, television, et cetera.

Except you, Mr. Solo. You know, darling.
you are a very understanding man.

And you too, sweet Bartlett.
You have heart of gold.

I think I let you perhaps go to Caltech.

You mustn't, Aunt Elfie.
I must go with him, I want to.

Oh, darling boy.
nobody want to go with Noubar.

I know because I've worked for him.
I make movies for his company.

He's very nice. He gives me luvs and
beautiful jewelry. But you see, basically...

...Noubar is schnook.

Listen, you're making a mistake,
Miss van Donck.

Now, both of us know
who these people are...

...but your aunt,
she doesn't quite understand.

Thrush is one of the worst conspiracies
of modem times.

Thrush? Thrush, what is this little bird?
Beep, beep?

No, no, no. It's an omnivorous vulture...

...that's going to gobble up
the brain of your nephew here.

And Noubar is very high in its councils.

You must realize these people
murdered your father.

Murd-- Oh, Mr. Solo.

I know. Why do you think
I'm going with them?

Why? To get even?

I'll make them sorry, Mr. Solo.
I'll make them very sorry.

Listen to me, time is short.

Now, Noubar murdered your brother-in-Iaw
and he may very well murder us.

Also Miss Lydecker and IIIya.

Now, perhaps we aren't important,
but the boy is.

You mean, my darling nephew,
he could get killed? Oh!

Sweetheart, what I have done to you?

Now, to revenge yourself on these people
would take many years.

Now, you're a young man, Bartlett.

The revenge will be all the more complete
this way. Will it not?

Oh... Stop talking to this trick and novelty
manufacturer. Talk to your Aunt Eltie.

Miss van Donck, one of my tricks is the fact
that I'm not always what I seem to be.

Look, we come here to search
for the hairdresser and Joanna.

The vultures have them
somewhere in the house.

You see, I misled you
in order to get in here.

IIIya is also not always he seems.

But you told me
that he was the criminal type.

Yes, and it we don't rescue him immediately
he'll probably wind up the defunct type.

And also the girl. Now, come on.

Wait, wait, wait, my darling. Here.

[GRUNTING]

Now I know what you are.
You're not a professional Romeo at all.

You're a professional cat burglar.

We both have certain things in common.

They're always slipping out
of second-floor windows.

Oh. Ah...

It's too cold.

Here.

HEADMASTER:
[am a teacher, not a-- A thuggee.

You cannot ask me to murder
that man and that girl in cold blood.

After three or four hours
in the cold storage room, what else, huh?

NOUBAR: Leave them there for a week or so
and the problem will solve itself.

Freezing them to death.
Oh, my poor Joanna.

With her hot-blooded nature,
heaven knows how long that will take.

- Where is the cold room?
- The frozen meat locker, I guess.

All right, now, we've got to get them out.
You've got to help us.

- Oh, it's locked.
ILLYA: What else?

Well, break it down.

All right, if you won't, I will.

[GASPS]

Hey, I need that. I'm cold.

You will be warm in one minute.

It goes down like that.

Do you mind?

Campfires at a time like this.

- What are you trying to be, a Boy Scout?
- It's an admirable organization.

Now, if you'll put your fingers in your ears
and take refuge behind that haunch of beef.

My aunt gave me that scarf
on her deathbed.

I wonder what she would say
if she knew.

If I made a mistake, we may well find out
from the lady in person.

[COUGHING]

Something has exploded.

You told me
Basil never takes his eye off the boy.

But he doesn't.
He watches him every minute.

Then what do you call this?
Spying on us, he's been.

The boy's aware of everything.

Come on.

There they are. Oh, Joanna, run.
We must get out.

- Well, the question is, where?
- Oh, I don't know. That way, here.

[GRUNTING]

What's there?

ELFIE: Noubar's plane.
- And, of course, you can fly it.

Under present circumstances,
I could fly glorified box kite.

SOLO:
All right.

Stop them.

SOLO:
Don't breathe. It's gas.

SOLO:
Get to the copier.

[COUGHING]

That Noubar, what a two-faced man.
I should have shot him.

Don't worry, Miss van Donck.
The police will take care of him.

- The police?
- Yes. I told them the school was overrun...

...by a band of international jewel thieves,
headed by Kuryakin.

- Me?
SOLO: Mm-hm.

And I placed Miss Lydecker's
breakfast diamonds on Mr. Telemakian.

My diamonds?

Ah, Mr. Solo.
You are a man of many surprises.

After we get Bartlett here
back in school...

...how would you like to accompany me
on a small safari to Arabia?

- I'd be delighted.
- Would you mind bringing your own camel?

One hump or two?

[LAUGHING]

Ah, you kill me.

[ENGLISH SDH]