The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 2, Episode 29 - The Minus-X Affair - full transcript

Rather unpleasant, you know.

Having to be shielded like
this against one's own operative.

- You mean, he's violent?
- I don't know.

Thrush captures an U.N.C.L.E agent,
works on him for three or four days.

Doctor says he might be violent.

I smell anesthetic.

Paint. Rubber-based paint.

Four layers.

Doctor says he's completely
irrational with abnormally acute senses.

Smell, hearing.

You shut up! I hear you, mister!



Louis, it's Napoleon and Illya.

Louis.

Forget it, Mr. Solo.

One more Thrush plaything,
one less U.N.C.L.E agent.

You in the middle,
you smoke pipe?

It's a pretty foul tobacco you've
got. I smell it on your clothes.

You, on the right.

You've been out with a blond?

I see a blond hair on your coat.

See?

See?

That's marvelous.

All five of his senses
magnified far above normal.

Could Thrush have used him
as some sort of a guinea pig?



Some experiment that partially
failed and left him like that?

I'm sorry, gentlemen, I have
never even heard of Thrush.

But as any reputable
scientific journal will tell you...

my Plus X drug is hardly ready
for testing on human beings.

But when Plus X is finalized,
Professor Stemmler...

it will stimulate the
senses, will it not?

How many poor souls are
called mentally retarded...

simply because they
lack certain senses?

Those faculties, some of
them almost indefinable...

which the so-called
average person possesses.

Plus X will, we hope,
stimulate these faculties, yes.

Professor Stemmler, you
indicated that two days ago...

your development
lab was broken into.

Now, isn't it possible that...?

That they stole some
Plus X? I hardly think so.

Of course, I haven't had time
since then to check all my equipment.

This room have a window?

Yes, but there's no balcony, no fire
escape. They couldn't possibly get in.

I'll cover the back.

There's an U.N.C.L.E
agent. Kill him.

That's the third
suit in three days.

Now, isn't it possible,
professor, now...

that they could've taken some
of your Plus X drug the last time?

Well, if they did, they certainly
found out it hasn't been perfected yet.

So why in heaven's name would
they come back again today...

to steal my lab equipment?

If we hadn't stopped
those little rascals...

they would've not only taken
your equipment, but you.

What they want to do is have you
perfect the drug under their auspices.

Open Channel D. Priority
number one, Section One.

Why, that's preposterous.

I'm not the type, young man, to
be forced into anything at any time.

And as for suggesting
that I'd allow Plus X

to be used for any
criminal purpose, well...

Mr. Waverly?

Go ahead, Mr. Kuryakin.

We were correct
in our suppositions.

I think we should institute a
survey-and-protect on Professor Stemmler.

All right, I'll authorize the
survey-and-protect as effective at once.

Meanwhile, I want one of
you to stay with the professor...

and the other to get back here
immediately with a report for Intelligence.

All right, I'll be in directly. Mr. Solo
can stay here and rest up a bit.

Rest? Rest, what for?

- He was run over by a truck.
- Large truck.

A small truck. WAVERLY: I see.

Well, I suppose that means
we shall have to reimburse him...

for still one more suit
of clothes this month.

We're not made of
money, you know.

We'll do all we can, professor.
You'll be well-guarded, I assure you.

Thank you. But I'd feel much better
if someone could possibly tell me...

what this Thrush organization
could possibly want my Plus X for.

So would we. Excuse me.

Professor, I know you're not
one to be forced into anything...

but Thrush does come up with
interesting cuties from time to time...

such as getting someone
close to you, a relative perhaps...

and threatening them
with harm, unless...

There is no such person
in my life, I assure you.

And certainly not a relative.

No relatives? No
daughter, professor?

Our research department
is disturbingly thorough.

It surprised us that apparently
a famous lady scientist...

had a 23-year-old daughter
she's never told anyone about.

- You left her, what was it, 11 years ago?
- Yes, it's been 11 years.

I feel no obligation to
discuss my private life...

or my personal motivation
with you, Mr. Solo.

Well, I couldn't care
less about either.

What does concern me is that
Thrush might get ahold of your daughter.

I haven't seen Leslie
once in those 11 years.

Nobody even knows she exists.

I send her money to live on...

which I understand she
does not wisely, but quite well.

She goes where she pleases,
does what she pleases.

I just send money.

Well, if our research can find your
daughter, perhaps Thrush will too.

The last check I sent her was care
of American Express in Acapulco.

She goes under
the name of Bennett.

You'll find her, I imagine...

in whatever Acapulco bistro
the jet set favors this season.

Well, I can promise you she won't
even know she's being followed.

My friend Kuryakin is pretty
good about those things.

Hmm.

A daughter named Leslie.

Well, well, well.

With U.N.C.L.E guarding the
good professor so fervently...

we might do well to take
Mr. Solo's suggestion...

and make some use of that
hitherto nonexistent daughter, huh?

Wire Acapulco.

Also, that fellow Kuryakin.

Thrush Central must
have a dossier on him.

Ask them to wire a photo of
him to our people in Acapulco.

Makes it a little easier if you know
what the opposition looks like, huh?

- Why, hello.
- Hello.

Oh, I knew they were brown.

Well, let's get along.

Miss. Miss, that man... Wait.

- What?
- Wait. Your mother, Professor Stemmler...

- Wait a minute.
- Ma'am.

Hey. WHITTAKER:
Ma'am, your mother...

Wait a minute.

I suggested a nice quiet place.
Don't make me say it again.

My notes gone, my
equipment, my samples...

it'll take months to reproduce.

Professor Lillian Stemmler,
you will listen carefully.

Your daughter is our prisoner.

She was taken by us
from Acapulco last night...

and is presently resting
comfortably with a very soft gun...

at her very soft young head.

That gun will go off, professor, unless
we receive the cooperation we require.

Leslie?

Mr. Napoleon Solo.

You will also listen
carefully, please.

It is now exactly 9:47 a.m.

Unless Professor Stemmler
walks out of her building...

unprotected and alone,
within one minute...

her daughter will be
dead within two minutes.

Professor.

The girl is my
daughter, Mr. Solo.

A stranger perhaps, but
nevertheless my daughter.

You may shoot me if you like.

That will stop me.

And she's getting in now.

Set up a ring of cars at every
intersection for a two-mile radius.

Yellow sedan, New York plates.

Man driving, man
and woman in back.

My daughter,
Arthur. Where is she?

Oh, she's served her purpose. She's
well on her way back to Acapulco.

Safe, sound and quite the spoiled
brat from what my men tell me.

You know, your never telling Thrush about
your daughter, well, that's one thing.

That you should suddenly,
at this crucial time...

tell our friends from
U.N.C.L.E all about her...

well, that does give
one pause, my dear.

The entire project will be a
success exactly as we planned.

Were you so sure of that when you
told Mr. Solo about your daughter?

Or were you hedging your bets...

thinking that if your project
failed and you didn't return...

U.N.C.L.E would
take care of the girl...

never realizing that her mother
was a notorious Thrush agent?

- What did you...?
- Don't.

Spot more to the left, I think.

Hi.

Well, Mr. Solo, we may have
lost track of Professor Stemmler...

but the monitoring device
Mr. Kuryakin put on the girl in Acapulco...

should lead us to both women.

Assuming they have both
been taken to the same place.

- How's your headache? ILLYA:
Nicely throbbing, thank you.

- You ready, sir?
- All right.

Yes. Yes, that's
the general area.

The narrower beam should give us the
exact location of the monitoring device.

Y-dash-4-dash-A-dash-8902...

dash-northeast 7.

Rollo Chemical Works.

One hundred and thirty one miles
northeast in the U.N.C.L.E area W-4.

W-4? Isn't that some sort
of government installation...

where they produce hydrogen,
plutonium, some creepy thing like that?

Synthetic plutonium, Mr. Solo.
That is in the W-4 area.

Of course, it could
be a coincidence.

What's being done with that
installation has been top-secret.

Suppose there should be some connection
between Plus X and Professor Stemmler...

and some effort by Thrush to knock
over the installation. Hadn't we better...?

Very good idea, Mr. Solo.
Yes, I think you'd better.

Wear a less expensive
suit this time, will you?

Good evening, Lillian.

Well, your lackeys didn't break any of
my equipment. I'll say that much for them.

You know, we move against
that plutonium installation...

tomorrow morning.

You will be ready, huh?

The Plus X drug has been
ready for weeks, you know that.

Yes, I also know
that it almost killed...

that U.N.C.L.E guinea pig
you tried it on a few days ago.

- I said it's ready.
- Oh.

The defect, the very slight
defect, has been remedied.

As a matter of fact, you are looking
at what the scientific world said...

wouldn't be ready for 10 years.

There, Mr. Rollo,
is your Plus X.

When each of your
men is injected with this...

his senses will become
heightened to a degree...

whereby he will become
infallible in his field.

The senses of
hearing, of sight...

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I know
what it's supposed to do.

But how about the other one?

The Minus X?

No problem.

To get the Minus X drug, I have only
to reverse the chemical processes...

- inherent in the Plus X.
- Oh.

For heaven's sakes, why don't you
go and get something for your nerves?

I'm not a beginner.

Neither are the security guards in
a top-secret government installation.

Now, listen, as
much as the Plus X...

will heighten the senses
and capabilities of your men...

that's how much the Minus X...

will dull the sensibilities of the
guards at the plutonium center.

By the time you reach
your adversaries, Mr. Rollo...

they will be dumber
than a box of rocks.

I guarantee it.

Just stop carting me around
like a piece of luggage, will you?

What is it you want? Money?

I've got two fur coats
and a stole. They're yours.

And I've got an absolutely fantastic
bank account. That's yours too.

You told me you'd let her go.
You said she'd served her purpose.

Now, look, you say
something, you illiterate klutz.

Now, what is she doing here?

Well. Then it is you, Mother.

Oh, how super.

And after all these years.

Oh, of course, I do see your
pictures in the magazines a lot.

And, oh, your signature on all
those marvie-do checks you send.

Why, I feel almost as
if we're friends already.

Oh, what I am doing here standing in
front of you after 11 years of banishment?

And these Neanderthal friends of
yours with their muscles and their guns.

They a part of your salon of
Nobel prizewinners, Mother?

Huh?

Oh, I think you underestimate
your mother, Leslie.

As a matter of fact, I
think that's probably

why she sent you
away originally, huh?

She didn't want you to meet our
element. We're unsavory, you know.

Lillian, you...

You only tried this marvelous Plus X
once on that U.N.C.L.E agent and it failed.

I have to make sure
that it doesn't fail again.

What are you doing?

Well, your daughter's
a very beautiful girl.

And if the Plus X works,
she'll not only be beautiful...

but extremely bright,
capable and sensitive.

Now, you've tried
that once before.

We don't like each other
much, you and I, huh?

But we are Thrush.

Above all, my dear...

we are Thrush.

Hey. Mother.

Thrush assures me that each
of you is the very best in his field.

I hope so.

Because this is
where we're going.

Let's see. Paris. Moscow.

Here we are.

The United States laboratory for the
development of synthetic plutonium.

And when that
development is complete...

well, gentlemen, the possessor
of a synthetic plutonium bomb...

will have a tremendous advantage
in the thermonuclear race.

And Thrush likes a
tremendous advantage, huh?

Now, you study this very
carefully. I'll be right back.

George.

Now, remember, once you're inside
the installation, stay out of sight...

or some security
guard patrolling the

corridors is going to
start questioning you.

Now, about an hour
before the rest of us enter...

Whittaker will rendezvous
with you in corridor number five...

and the two of you will disseminate
the Minus X drug to the security guards.

Get this show on the road, huh?

Minus X?

Excuse me. GEORGE: Hey.

Military orders telling him
to report to the plutonium lab.

Well, that tears it.

- We'd better go back and blow the whistle.
- Now, wait a minute.

Stemmler's drug was called Plus X and these
characters were talking about Minus X.

Which is a bit scary to me.

I think we ought to get down to Corridor
5 and greet Minus X, whatever it may be.

All right, I'll find a remote
spot and dump the garbage...

and then report
for duty as ordered.

Now, the Plus X injection
that each of you takes...

will magnify your
senses tremendously.

And what I'm concerned about here is
with your heightened abilities to memorize.

Within this room, there's collected all
the information on the development...

of synthetic plutonium.

You will commit to memory
all the mathematical equations.

Number Two, you'll fix in your mind
all the matters concerned with circuitry.

Number Three, you'll memorize all
the relevant chemical compositions.

Now, according to our timetable,
which allows no deviation...

all that will take
exactly five minutes.

Now, we will then communicate that data
through a device which I shall provide...

to Thrush computers.

They have to make that
before the changing of the guard.

I don't want to face security guards
who haven't had the therapeutic benefits...

of Minus X.

Now, what I want to make
perfectly clear about this is that...

No one followed Professor
Stemmler and me from the city...

and no one could have followed the girl
when we brought her up from Acapulco.

So, what led you here, Mr. Solo?

I wanted to be gallant, save
a lady from a horrible fate.

Now, I'll ask you once
more. How did you find us?

No comment.

I see.

Very well.

Warm enough for you?

I somehow suspect you're
going to make it even warmer.

Oh, yes, indeed.

In a little while, your body
temperature will rise to 110 degrees...

which we've found, from past
experience, is somewhat fatal.

Now, once more,
what led you here?

I can tell you.

She was wearing
this monitoring device.

That U.N.C.L.E agent I put to sleep
down in Acapulco must've planted it on her.

It's weird, really.

I didn't feel it until
just a few minutes ago.

- Feel it?
- Right back here.

Weighed a ton, all of a sudden.

It's working,
Arthur. The Plus X.

She would never
have felt that thing.

A lot of things have been showing up
that I didn't know were there, Mother dear.

Thrush, for instance. Klutzy
pussycat's been filling me in a bit.

I don't mean to be pushy, but if you
have all the information you need...

Oh. Oh, yes.

I'd like to hear some of your
thoughts on Thrush, my dear.

Well, it's immoral and
indecent, of course.

But then...

I haven't been raised
too well, Mr. Rollo.

I've worn both
those labels myself.

Until tonight, I thought maybe I might
wash away those labels someday.

But now that I know what
kind of stock I come from...

Leslie.

I realize that my little
bottle has been labeled...

quite correctly and indelibly.

So why not make the most of it?

You've got power here, money...

and organization.

I think I'd fit pretty
well on your shelf.

Leslie, I know you're bitter and
confused, but look around you.

Don't you see these
people are warped?

Eh, eh, eh. That's enough.

That's enough.

Now, I'd love to discuss those
possibilities with you, my dear.

Arthur, I want to talk
to you alone. Now.

Whittaker will show you to
the garden behind my office.

You can smell the jasmine.

I'll join you later
for a martini.

Love martinis. Come
on, klutzy pussycat.

No, you will not join her
for a martini or anything.

Unless you see to it that Leslie's
on a plane away from you, me...

and this place within an hour, there
will be no Minus X for those guards...

at the plutonium lab.

Now, even if you were foolish
enough to allow maternal affection...

to keep you from doing
your job, which I doubt...

it wouldn't do any good anyway.

She's here already.
She's already involved.

And I'm really glad
she likes us. No, really.

Because if she didn't and wanted
to leave after what she's seen...

I'd have to kill her.

It's in the bylaws, you know.

Lillian...

I want you to inject this man
here with the Minus X now.

Do you mind telling me what
effect this Minus business has?

I mean, is it, you know,
mustard gas, athlete's foot..?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

No, this should reduce your mental
state to that of a slobbering 5-year-old.

Professor, I want to see it now.

Why not?

That plutonium lab, it's
pretty well-guarded, you know.

Oh, yes, I do know that.

So let's pretend that you're one
of the security guards, shall we?

And see how well you defend
it with this liquid in your system.

Professor?

- How long?
- Few minutes.

You know, actually, we're
doing you a favor, Mr. Solo.

The Minus X wears off.

But if we kill you before
you get out of the drug state...

you'll have so much
less pain and trepidation.

You're a swell fellow.

Good. Just about time
for a briefing session.

I'll come back, Solo, and find
how you're doing as a child.

But I doubt if you'll
remember me.

When Rollo gets back, Mr. Solo, he'll
expect to see the effects of Minus X.

Won't he?

The hypodermic
was filled with water.

Now, as soon as Rollo and
his men leave, I can untie you...

and you can take Leslie out
of here, away from Thrush.

In spite of herself,
if you have to.

The saloon door swings
both ways, professor.

You untie me in time to stop
Rollo and I'll take Leslie out of here.

I'm afraid not.

If he catches you, there'll be
no one left to save my daughter.

And if you stop him,
well, Thrush vengeance...

can be a pretty
terrible thing, Mr. Solo.

And it'll be directed at
Leslie. Either way, she suffers.

And she's the one I care for.

And once you are inside the vault
room, don't touch any of the switches.

Touch them and you might blow the
whole North American continent out to sea.

And that would be very difficult
to explain to Thrush Central.

Where's the girl?

She went back out to
smell the jasmine again.

That's enough of that.

Let's take another look
at our human guinea pig...

and get this show on the road.

Microscope. And bottles. And...

- You see bottles, Napoleon?
- Yes, pretty.

Uh-huh.

Are you hungry, Napoleon?

I don't know.

Would you like something to eat?

Yes, I would like
apples and cookies...

and cinnamon toast.

And I'd like some
oatmeal with ketchup on it.

- Properly saturated?
- Completely.

Good.

If anyone looks
in your briefcase...

all they'll see are some perfectly
proper military documents.

Now, once you and George
have rendezvoused in Corridor 5...

the two of you'll go into the kitchen
and drop one of these pages...

into each coffee urn, soup pot,
milk and tea dispenser, you got that?

The pages themselves will
dissolve almost immediately.

All that'll be left is the Minus
X that they're saturated in.

Get it done before meal time.

We won't be more
than an hour behind you.

Gentlemen, in a few
minutes, this Plus X...

will be well on its way
to making you infallible...

and our mission successful.

Jam on the cookies and...

Yes, sir, can I help you?

If you'll just go
to that door, sir.

One officer, Whittaker, Allen B.,
Lieutenant, Quartermaster Bureau.

Top clearance, authorized
for entry 8-dash-13.

Case, sir.

All in order, sir.

The adjutant's office is
straight ahead and to your left.

Corridor 3.

Man, am I hungry.

As you were.

The trumpet player.

MP! Security guard!

All right, break
it up. Knock it off.

- He attacked me.
- You bet I did.

- Listen, that man is...
- Knock it off, fella.

You don't go striking
an officer in this outfit.

Take both of us to your
commanding officer...

What's your name, fella? And what
are you doing in a restricted corridor?

My name is Illya Kuryakin.
I'm a member of the U-N-C...

Illya Kuryakin? That's a
pretty weird name, Kuryakin.

Where are you from,
fella? What unit?

Recite the chain of command.

Good grief.

All right, take
him to detention.

That drug I took...

Rollo said its
effect increases...

that I'd be able to feel more
things, be able to sense more.

Yes, for a while.

Well, I am sensing more.

About myself, the
way I've been acting.

Bottles.

Brown... ROLLO: Professor.

I've been looking for you.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Rollo,
but I've changed my mind.

I don't wanna stay
here. This isn't for me.

Leslie.

Oh?

You mean, you don't really want to grow
up big and strong like your mommy, huh?

No.

Well, that's just too bad.

Because unfortunately,
it raises some problems...

as far as your knowledge
of what transpired here.

Arthur, don't. It's the drug.

No doubt.

However...

Gentlemen. My dear.

- No, Arthur.
- Now, you stay out of this.

I don't anticipate
any on-the-job trouble.

But in the event that we
should run into a dilemma...

it struck me that we might
take along some insurance.

Some pretty little insurance with which
to bargain ourselves out of it if need be.

There's still time, professor.

Dispose of that U.N.C.L.E
agent immediately.

And treat Professor
Stemmler as a security risk...

until I've had a chance to
discuss her conduct with Central.

I've studied Rollo's attack plan and
his timetable and we'd better hurry.

- Look here, my friend.
- Sir.

Look here, sir. Chow has
been over for 20 minutes.

I've called security twice already.
They'll get back to me when they can.

And until they do, you just
keep it buttoned up, fella.

- Here, have some coffee.
- Keeps me awake.

Hello there.

General Ulysses S. Grant
to see President Lincoln.

- General Grant?
- Mm-hm.

- Can I have your autograph?
- Mm-hm.

Whittaker? Whittaker.

Are you there, Whittaker?
Where are you, Whittaker?

Whittaker?

Never mind, buddy.
Come right on in, chief.

Hey, that's pretty important
stuff you're doing there.

Get rid of him
and take his place.

Hello.

Gentlemen, down
Corridor 3 to Corridor 7.

Oh, have some of this
coffee. It's great, just great.

No, thank you.

All right, electric, let's
see what Plus X did for you.

The wires carrying the
current have to be severed.

Please, whatever it is, whatever
you're doing, you don't need me.

Wait a minute.

This is the lab, but why isn't
the door guarded or even bolted?

Wait.

Gas.

Coming from here.

Well, that's why the
door isn't guarded.

Turn that knob and
it releases the gas.

Gas line goes through here.
We'll have to burn through.

You really should be proud
of your mother, my dear.

Plus X just saved your life too.

Without it, he never
would've smelled that gas.

I wish he hadn't.

Corridor 7.

You should have
stuck to the trumpet.

I think I know where Rollo...

Hey, somebody
else wants to get in.

Now, the guard changes
in 13 and a half minutes.

We've been here
for four and a half.

That leaves us exactly one-half
minute before we begin...

Get away from those switches!

Central, this is Project 73. We are
harvesting the wheat on schedule.

We're ready to
transmit directly to your...

Get her!

Central.

The switches!

Enough.

All right, Lillian, the data
cards are on the transmitter.

Read them into the mike and
Central will have everything it asked for.

Lillian, are you
Thrush or are you not?

Pull that switch,
I say. Shut it off.

If the voltage rises any
higher, we'll all be blown to bits.

Well, pull it or this
one gets it right now.

I'm sorry it couldn't have turned out
otherwise about your mother, Leslie.

Thank you.

But on the other hand, I
spent 11 years unable to say...

or even believe
that I had a mother.

Well, I did have one...

who loved me very much.

And that's not a bad thing to be
able to say, you know. You know?

Mr. Waverly's gonna love that.