The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Double Affair - full transcript

ILLYA: Good night.

[SQUEAKING]

I think someone is sending their Christmas
presents a little early this year.

MAN: Illya Kuryakin knows Mr. Solo too
well, and therefore represents a danger.

The attempt to eliminate
him failed last night.

For the moment we'll
forego any other attempts.

But I must stay particularly
alert in his presence.

The voice pattern
is not yet perfect.

Resonance still registers
0.2 decibels plus treble.

DOCTOR: No problem. A minor
larynx adjustment will take care of that.

A bit more cartilage from the
upper nasal area, the hairline raised.



- The larynx adjustment.
- You have five days, maximum.

Mr. Solo has a reservation at a certain
restaurant for the evening of August 3rd.

- By then we should be ready.
- Splendid.

And then you'll be ready
for your August Affair.

DARIUS TWO: You'll be a
perfect double for Napoleon Solo.

[CHATTERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh...

To the most beautiful
airline hostess in the world.

To the most beautiful
liar in the world.

Tell me about your
trip back from Rome.

It was gay, and it was
exciting, and it was very lonely.

It was lonely? Why?

I meet a lot of very
interesting people...



but somehow, they're gone
before I really know them.

When are you leaving, Napoleon?

In a few days.

- Mr. Solo, telephone.
- Thank you.

- Excuse me. SANDY: All right.

Hello.

Hello.

Napoleon Solo would never
blow the head off of a beautiful girl.

Not even when the beautiful
girl was a Thrush agent.

Thrush? What's that?

Well, now, you remember, sweet, it's
that international band of renegades...

that want to rule
the world. Thrush.

You know, where you pick
up your paycheck every week.

- Oh, we work strictly on commission.
- Oh, I see.

Well, what is the going rate for
kidnapping U.N.C.L.E. agents?

Huh. I'm not going
to kidnap you.

I merely want to discuss
something with you, privately.

Well, you see, I have
this odd behavior pattern...

that whenever I go to strange
places with strange women...

I get hit on the head
by strange men.

- But you keep doing it.
- Well, I'm trying to quit.

But you can't. And neither
of us can afford to waste time.

I'm here to discuss
the August Affair.

I, uh, don't understand that.

So you will have to come
along and find out, won't you?

Perhaps later.

I'm sorry, the timetable
calls for tonight.

And you know the
August Affair can't wait.

Brace yourself.

Sandy, um, I tell you, I know
this seems like an unusual...

May I have my wrap, please,
miss? The black sequined stole.

- Certainly.
- This was just a chance meeting.

I came up here to answer
the phone and the young lady...

Oh, thank you very
much. Here you are, dear.

- Waiter?
- Signorina?

- Is that our order?
- Spaghetti Milanese.

Oh, Mr. Solo might
like to see that. Mm-hm.

Aah!

Scusate, signor.

Yes, scusate.

- Carlos, may I have the check, please?
- Sì.

Thank you.

All right.

SOLO: How would you
know about the August Affair?

SERENA: It's entirely
possible I went through

your dossier and read
some of the reports.

It's also possible that
you might be lying.

All things are possible.

This place isn't
bugged. I've checked.

SOLO: Mm. Huh.

- Shall we sit down?
- Fine, for openers.

- Mm-hm. The August Affair, remember?
- Oh...

When is it going to take place?

- What?
- The August Affair. When will you leave?

Oh, I don't know. It's very difficult to
book passage during the tourist season.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Excuse me, I'll get it.
- I'm sorry, I'll get it.

Time to get back to business.

Come in.

You wouldn't put a bullet
through your own head, would you?

[BUTTON CLICKS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Open Channel D.
WOMAN: Channel D open.

Solo, Section Two. You may
take the direction finder off me now.

Situation is back to normal.

Thank you for your
cooperation, Mr. Solo.

You've helped position us for
phase three of the August Affair.

DOUBLE: I'm afraid our poor
Mr. Solo will have a splitting headache...

when he awakens
in the Austrian Alps.

Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Not really.

DARIUS TWO: Will the real
Napoleon Solo stand up, please?

I trust you're
quite comfortable?

Well, as a matter
of fact, I'm not.

Would it be presumptuous of me to
ask where I am and where my double is?

I'm afraid it would. Be
very careful not to harm him.

We must keep him physically
perfect for the moment.

[GUARD GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Sorry.

WOMAN: Yes, sir?

Yes.

Yes, sir.

Right away, sir.

- Napoleon.
- Illya.

Mr. Waverly.

You must have put in
a long night, Mr. Solo.

DOUBLE: Well, it
had to be done, sir.

Mr. Solo, Mr. Kuryakin here will
accompany you on the August Affair.

- Fine.
- Sort of breaking in a new career.

I don't want to seem fatalistic,
Mr. Solo, but every now and again...

I have a feeling that your days
on this earth are numbered.

Well, I am sorry
you feel that way, sir.

Yes, well, you'll begin
acquainting Mr. Kuryakin...

with all the details of the
August Affair immediately.

Can I be told the
purpose of this affair?

For the moment, you
may know this much.

You and Mr. Solo will
proceed to Washington.

At our headquarters there,
you'll meet two agents.

And you'll be given a
briefcase to transport abroad.

And what does this
briefcase contain?

The new combination to a vault.

Combination is changed in
the month of August every year.

It's U.N.C.L.E.'s responsibility to
see that the combination is delivered.

- The vault, what does it contain?
- Perhaps the very fate of the world.

You'll be told when you arrive
at your ultimate destination.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

- Mr. Solo, welcome back to Washington.
- Thank you.

You've changed.

- How?
- Your shaving lotion.

It's a gift from my mother.

[ELECTRIC RAZOR BUZZING]

Good morning.

Buongiorno.

I'm Arsene Coria,
Sicilian headquarters.

- Napoleon Solo.
- Illya Kuryakin.

- How are things in
Sicily? CORIA: Busy.

If it's not Thrush,
it's the Mafiose.

I'm sorry, but I was all night
on the plane from Rome.

- My name is Namana, the Liberian Section.
- Napoleon Solo.

- And this is Illya Kuryakin.
- It's a pleasure.

And Arsene Coria.

I worked with your
brother, Ashanti. How is he?

My brother was killed.

- Are we all ready?
- Uh-huh.

The rods activate an
electronic combination device.

If the case were to be
opened improperly...

acid would be released from the walls
of the case, destroying the contents.

Va bene?

- Here you are.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Stewardess?

I'll just have some coffee.
And could you get me...

a needle and thread. I've
got a loose button here.

Yes, sir.

- He really is very interesting-looking.
- That miserable rat.

Pretending he
didn't even know me.

He's probably married, and
someone in the group knows his wife.

He would've told me
if he were married.

- Sometimes they forget.
- Oh, that rat.

Your coffee, sir. Oh, I'm sorry.

- Was it hot?
- No, no, it was just a little bit sweet.

Oh. Hmm.

My orders were the case was to be in sight
of at least two of the three couriers.

Oh, yes, we are getting
a bit sloppy, aren't we?

[DEVICE HUMMING]

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Your needle and thread,
sir. May I have your jacket?

I'm afraid it's too late. I
seem to have lost the button.

Are you sure you haven't
lost all your buttons?

[SIGHS]

Good morning, Mr. Solo.

Anything I can do to make
things more comfortable?

How long would you say I
have to wear all this jewelry?

Don't be impatient, and
please don't struggle.

You might bruise your wrists.

When they find your body at the foot
of the mountain, we want it unmarked...

except for contusions
sustained in the sudden stop.

To that end, I have
a surprise for you.

Nina is an expert masseuse.

SOLO: Well, at this stage
of the game, I'm really not...

We want to preserve
the natural body tone...

the normal balance of
the glandular humerus...

the relaxed condition of the
musculatures. Nina, proceed.

Mm. Nice perfume.

SANDY: Bye.

NAMANA: Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Thank you very much again.
- You're welcome.

[ACID HISSING]

[HUMMING]

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING STOPS]

[DEVICE EMITTING STATIC]

[STATIC STOPS]

You've been chosen to bear a
burden imposed on few living men today.

But first I must warn you,
each and every one of you...

to be extremely cautious
once we have entered the cave.

- Do we open the case now?
- No, not until we've reached the vault...

which is 180 feet
beneath the surface.

You will wear these special
protective goggles at all times.

And again, I must caution
you, be extremely careful...

not to remove them at any time.

- Is that quite
clear? CORIA: Yes.

And now, gentlemen, if you'll
please put on these coveralls...

Security measures, as you
can see, are quite extensive.

In recent years, scientists from
many nations working together...

found themselves on
the verge of a discovery.

A discovery of such awesome power
that the most deadly nuclear weapons...

would be literally negated
by the use of this power.

They were faced
with an appalling fact:

That a weapon would
have to be constructed...

- to utilize this immense power.
NAMANA: They would build such a weapon?

DIRECTOR: The choice
was not altogether theirs.

We've picked up radio waves
from space for a number of years.

However, another aspect of the
situation is known to only a few.

And that is, some
of these fragments...

according to some of
our finest scientific minds...

- establish a pattern. DOUBLE:
And that pattern indicates...

that someday we might be
assaulted from beyond the stars.

Who can tell? It is more than
theory, but less than a proven fact.

And against such a
possibility, it was agreed...

the counter weapon
would be Project Earthsave.

As you can see, as each capsule
is decoded by the machine...

- it is destroyed.
- So that no man on earth...

will know the combination
we feed into the computer?

Correct.

When the vault is open, it
creates a tremendous vacuum...

caused by the electromagnetic radiation
from the high-energy gamma rays.

Now, one word
of extreme caution.

DIRECTOR: You must remain
at a safe distance from the vault.

The electromagnetic gamma
rays create a kind of rapture...

and hypnotic effect, which causes
anyone who looks directly into it...

to throw himself into the vault.

DIRECTOR: Gentlemen,
this is Project Earthsave.

- Namana. DIRECTOR:
Don't touch him.

Don't move. Don't move.

- He tried to adjust his goggles...
DIRECTOR: No, don't touch him.

He'll drag you in with him.

DIRECTOR: You can't save
a man who no longer exists.

- Good day, gentlemen. DOUBLE:
You have reservations for us.

Oh, yes, Mr. Solo.

I've already had your
luggage brought to your rooms.

You and Mr. Coria have suite 8.

And Mr. Kuryakin and Namana?

- There will be just three of us.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Had not the four of you
intended to go mountain climbing?

I'm sorry, but I'm not
up to it. Do you mind?

- Perhaps tomorrow.
- Whatever you wish.

Hans. Hans!

Show these gentlemen
to their rooms.

Oh, Mr. Solo. I have
a message for you.

- I'll join you later.
- Anything important?

It could be, yes.

How was the trip?

Well, fortunately Namana met
with an unfortunate accident.

Darius Two is ready to
rendezvous Solo for the last phase.

Ah, yes, the last phase.

This afternoon I will climb a mountain
and take the real Napoleon Solo...

from his cell just 15 miles from
here and push him off a cliff.

A climbing accident.

And in two months the assault
force at our observatory will be ready.

- And then...
- The attack will begin from headquarters.

Once we reach the vault with the
combination in our possession...

Project Earthsave is ours.

And no force in the
world can resist us.

Darling, you can't imagine what
a time I had trying to find you.

I had the entire
airline working on it.

Oh, it's so wonderful being
together again, now, isn't it? Mm.

Uh...

I see you have your maiden aunt
with you, all the way from New York.

- You mind if I join you?
- Oh, please do.

You traveled a long way
from New York to catch us.

You wouldn't think I'd let him
get away that easily, would you?

- I admire your spirit, Miss...?
- Sandy, my friends call me Sandy.

Sandy, I tell you, I'm sorry.

This is a business venture here.
It's rather hard to explain, you...

You don't have
to explain a thing.

We were planning a
hike to the mountains...

- Oh, I'd love to go.
- Oh, fine.

Why don't we plan to
leave in about an hour?

Shall we all meet here?
I'm going to change now.

- Oh, me too. I'll see you in one hour.
- Mm.

[SIGHS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[ALARM BUZZING]

Too late, Mr. Solo.

I've already activated the
auto-destruction mechanism.

Neither of us has any
chance of escape now.

The entire place
will be destroyed.

But not for 30 minutes.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

GUARD: Hey!

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOTS]

[DOUBLE WHISTLES]

DOUBLE: Solo's escaped.

Last report was that he was headed
this way on the Zurnon Highway.

- What do we do?
- Get a message to headquarters.

Order an attack
on the stronghold if I

don't contact our men
by radio in two hours.

- Attack now?
- The plan was for Solo to die...

in a climbing accident. If we
can effect a similar accident...

- the plan can continue as scheduled.
- But the others?

Solo and the
girl will have to...

Will be found dead at
the bottom of the cliff.

And you'll be a
victim of amnesia.

They'll have no reason to suspect
anything worse than a lover's quarrel.

And we'll have the combination
to Project Earthsave...

we can use at the right time.
Get a message to headquarters.

- I thought you two might try to slip away.
- Get out of that car.

- Well, I was only...
- Get out of that car.

TAFFY: Napoleon, please.
- Get out!

[GUNSHOTS]

- How can you be sure we'll intercept him?
- This is the only road to the lodge.

Look.

[GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[SIGHS]

[RUMBLING]

Thrush is going to be very
disappointed in you, Serena.

Are you sure you wanna go back?

As I said, I think Thrush is going
to be very disappointed in you.

That's not my fault, darling.

I delivered you, which
was my primary assignment.

Such bad marksmanship, though.
Really, killing the wrong Solo.

By accident?

By accident.

So you thought the game was over
and you'd switch sides for a moment...

to earn my gratitude.

As long as I do have your gratitude,
what difference does it make?

Thrush will never
know of the incident.

You won't tell him, and seems
the auto-destruct explosion...

has leveled the entire camp.

I'm the only survivor of the August
Affair. My story is the only story.

I see. Mm-hm. So therefore,
the failure of Thrush...

is due to one of your
dead confederates.

Of course. And now,
since out of your gratitude...

you are going to let me go...

I have to leave now.

Ciao, bello.

Ciao.

[GROANS]

Where's your college chum?

Oh, she went back for
a postgraduate course.

- Now, what is this?
- Chicken noodle soup.

Napoleon Solo, you
love chicken noodle soup.

- I do?
- Yeah.

How do you know I'm
the real Napoleon Solo?

How do you know that the real Napoleon
Solo wasn't killed on the mountain?

Well, there's one
way to find out.

- That brand X?
- The real McCoy.

[ENGLISH SDH]