The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Project Strigas Affair - full transcript
A diplomat seeks to heighten tensions between East and West. UNCLE is to neutralize him but not, Waverly says, in a way he becomes a "cause celebre." Solo and Kuryakin devise a con game with a false secret (dubbed Project Strigas) and recruit a talented engineer who abruptly quit a lucrative job to start his own business.
And that is why,
gentlemen, my government...
together with all the other peace-loving
governments throughout the entire world...
denounce the East and
West alike as hypocrites...
and imperialistic warmongers.
WOMAN: No, no, no.
Lower the level of your
voice. It has too much bluster.
If you are to upset the
disarmament conference...
your tone must be more vital.
And much more threatening.
Ah, your criticism is
most useful, my Lubchek.
[APPLAUSE ON RECORDING]
MAN [ON RECORDING]:
And that is why, gentlemen...
that my government, together
with all the peace-loving...
Ambassador Laslo
Kurasov, gentlemen.
Speaking at the
disarmament conference.
A ruthless and
dangerous warmonger...
hiding under the
cloak of diplomacy.
One part Molotov, one
part Von Ribbentrop...
salt with Genghis Khan
and garlic with Machiavelli.
This magazine puts it well:
"Though his nation is
only a spit in the Balkans...
Kurasov's power is awesome.
An old revolutionary
comrade of his premier...
the ambassador also speaks for
those who are eager for a war...
between East and West."
Objective: The premier and
his country pick up the remains.
Then you'll understand
Section One's decision.
It will be your job, Mr. Solo,
along with Mr. Kuryakin here...
to see that Kurasov is removed
from the international scene.
Permanently?
Yes, but not by any means
that'll make him a cause célèbre.
He must be reduced
to complete nonentity.
Absolutely useless to his government
and allied disrupters of world peace.
Do you have any idea how
we might accomplish that, sir?
Oh, I'm sure the two of you are capable
of concocting some diabolical scheme.
[GROANING]
RECEPTIONIST: What is this?
- I must see the ambassador.
RECEPTIONIST: Stop.
This is embassy is foreign soil.
Police are not permitted
without authorization.
Take that up with the State Department.
This man's wounded. He needs medical aid.
RECEPTIONIST: Wait.
Stop, you cannot go up there.
Strigas YL893.
What is the explanation of this?
He got in an argument with another
man just outside the embassy.
The other man pulled a
knife, stabbed him and ran.
Wait. He cannot be moved
without the ambassador's consent.
His pulse is very weak. We gotta
get him to a hospital immediately.
Our government does not
wish an incident. Take him away.
[MAN GRUNTING]
Vladeck, check it.
Uh, check what, Excellency?
"Check what?" You fool.
Find out if Strigas YL893
has any significance.
[SIREN WAILS]
SOLO: Splendid job, gentlemen.
Thanks, Charlie.
- My compliments to Section Three.
- That's a relief.
Yes, I've got that.
Good. Thank you.
Luxury View Motel.
Must be a big job.
I hope so...
or the Continental Exterminator Company
will be exterminated by its creditors.
MICHAEL: Patience,
Mrs. Donfield, patience.
We'll soon be out of the red, and
into a white cottage in suburbia...
complete with rose bushes
and a built-in barbeque.
ANNE: And children.
- And a automatic washer and dryer.
- And a built-in oven.
- And children.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
And creditors.
Come in.
- Good morning. MICHAEL:
Well, that depends.
My name is Napoleon Solo.
I represent an organization
known as the U.N.C.L.E.
Well, uh, we haven't
received your bill.
Well, quite to the contrary.
We are here to eliminate bills.
As a matter of fact, a very
rich uncle just came to life...
and he's going to take
care of all your debts.
MICHAEL: That's funny. I don't
remember entering any contests.
I know all his relatives. No rich
uncles. I didn't marry him for his money.
You're Mrs. Anne Donfield.
Formerly Miss Anne Cortney.
Graduate of Bennington, 1960.
And you're Mr. Michael Donfield.
Graduated of MIT, 1958,
chemical engineering.
One of the top
men in your class.
Mr. Donfield, I need a
man and I need him quickly.
But he must have the right
background and he must be legitimate...
because a certain party's going
to check him out quite thoroughly.
You suit all of these
qualifications to a T.
Most importantly, you've just
made rather a peculiar move...
and that may very well intrigue
the man who checks you out.
You mean like giving up a
$35,000-a-year job with a large firm...
for all of this?
I just wanna have a
business of my own.
Would...? Would you mind...?
Excuse me, would you mind...?
Would you mind getting out of here
unless you want some pests eliminated?
SOLO: As a matter of fact, we
want to eliminate one large pest.
More importantly, we want
to preserve world peace.
We would like you to accept a
position with a non-existent corporation...
manufacturing a
non-existent product.
ANNE: What are you doing?
Installing a telephone.
Well, that's very nice of you,
but we already have a telephone.
Not like this one, you don't.
All right. I may be out of shape, but I
can still toss the two of you out of here.
Mr. Donfield, I am sure you
can toss us both out of here.
Perhaps it won't be necessary
after you hear me out.
And if you still feel the same
way, we will leave quietly.
Five minutes.
That's all it will take
me to tell you about...
Strigas.
Mrs. Donfield,
you look beautiful.
Everything is very beautiful.
But I'm not so sure
we're doing the right thing.
Your chauffeured
limousine is waiting for you.
When does it turn
into a pumpkin?
I can assure you that it won't.
You're going to be the guests of the
government at an international ball.
Now, one final briefing.
In about one hour, Ambassador
Kurasov and his aides...
are going to
discover that YL893...
is the code designation
for Michael Donfield.
A man who runs an unsuccessful
pest-control business...
which is really a front
for Strigas headquarters.
Then later at the party, he will discover
that Michael Donfield is a very bright...
but cautious young man.
And also that he has
two vulnerable spots.
He adores beautiful women
and he loves strong martinis.
Do you think you can
convince him of that?
Well, I can try.
Now, just don't overplay
your part, darling.
[CHUCKLES]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
The man who was taken from
the embassy died in the hospital.
His identity was obliterated
by U.S. Army Intelligence.
And what do our agents
report about Strigas YL893?
YL893 is a Michael Donfield.
He was one of America's most
promising chemical engineers.
Last year, he resigned
from a large firm...
to open a small exterminating
company on Staten Island.
But that company could be a
shield for some other activity.
Strigas.
- You're very clever, Excellency.
- No. You're stupid.
Not one of our agents have ever
encountered the name Strigas...
either published
or in secret file.
So please don't come to me with
any more of your insipid conclusions.
- Yes, sir.
- I might, however...
suggest that you send one of
our agents to pay a nighttime visit...
to the Continental Exterminator
Company to see what he can see.
I do it myself, Excellency.
Please, don't. I prefer you
send someone more intelligent.
MAN [ON PHONE]: This is
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Hot line for Strigas open.
The president is
unavailable at the moment.
Will the secretary
of defense do?
[CHATTERING]
The one on the
right is Mr. Donfield.
On the left, his wife.
Entertain Mr. Donfield, my dear.
Very well, darling.
KURASOV: Who is the other one?
Napoleon Solo.
Agent with the U.N.C.L.E.
U.N.C.L.E., huh?
Obviously assigned
to protect Mr. Donfield.
A little too obvious, I think.
Why should a member of a
multinational security organization...
be assigned to cover
an American project?
Interesting
question, Excellency.
Yes. And you might trouble yourself
to find out if our friend has returned...
from his exploration with
an interesting answer.
Yes, sir.
KURASOV: Thank you.
Do not drink the champagne.
Merely dip your
finger in and taste it.
Do as I say.
[HISSES]
Cyanide.
It will be the first of
many attempts on your life.
I am not naive, sir.
It is possible that you might
have put the poison into that drink.
Perhaps this will help
convince you that I did not.
Colonel Michaelovitch
Donyev, huh?
How long have you been assigned to
supervising diplomatic personnel abroad?
Five years.
And you were with the state
secret police much longer.
That is not generally known.
We are indebted to
you, Your Excellency,
for ridding the
department of deviationists.
KURASOV: You may tell General
Kolodin I do not require watching...
by the running dogs
of a secret police.
I have nothing to do
with General Kolodin.
I am working as personal
courier to the premier.
You may read the microdot
at your convenience.
If you are still doubtful...
you can see that the message is
in the premier's own handwriting.
- Why did the premier send you?
- The premier wishes you to know...
as an old and loyal comrade,
that your position is in danger.
Your work disrupting the disarmament
conference was too successful.
You are being spoken
of as next in line.
Those who have ambitions
for the succession...
are working for
your elimination.
Kolodin.
Eventually either he or I will
succeed to the first secretariat.
ILLYA [AS DONYEV]: Unless you
can achieve a personal, political coup.
Then your position would
become so impregnable...
no one would dare to
denounce you publicly.
MICHAEL: Never
tired, Mrs. Kurasov.
You're the most beautiful
woman I have ever met.
Oops, I'm terribly sorry.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Ooh, what do we
got here? Look at this.
I have a poem for you.
If it be true that I do think
There are five good
reasons Why we should drink.
Good wine
A friend
Or being dry Or lest
we should be, by and by.
Mmm.
Or any other reason why.
[MICHAEL CHUCKLING]
Excuse me, Madame Kurasov. Darling,
don't you think you've had enough?
- We really should be leaving.
- Pardon me, madam, I'm a married man.
I've had just about
all I can stand.
Will you see that he gets
home. I'm taking a cab.
SOLO: Yes. If you wish.
- Wait, honey...
Come right along here now.
- Excuse me. MICHAEL:
Pardon me, I'm terribly sorry.
VLADECK: Is there some trouble?
- Yes, my friend is overtrained...
Calvin Coolidge, how are you?
Cal, baby, you wanna taste mine?
I think you've had enough
for tonight, Mr. Donfield.
- Let me see you home.
- That's democratic spirit.
Democratic spirit.
Bless you all.
- Bless you and you and you... SOLO:
That's right. You're right about that.
[MICHAEL GIGGLES]
Have you ever heard
the word "Strigas"?
Yeah. General Kolodin
discounts its importance.
But it could be the answer
to the premier's message.
ILLYA: There is to be no answer.
The message is to be
destroyed after reading.
Trust no one.
Well, what did you find out?
Our agent has inspected the
Continental Exterminating Company.
Yes, I know he's inspected it,
but did he find anything suspicious?
A secret phone.
The direct line to the
president of the United States.
I never should've let him out of
my sight. I should have known better.
It was just awful. Honey,
you have... You have no id...
What's our next move?
I know how you feel, Anne.
Ugh, do you really, Mr. Solo?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Kurasov insisted I spend
the night at the embassy.
SOLO: How did your part go?
Fine.
The more I counseled caution,
the more intrigued he became.
He is now concerned that
his enemy, General Kolodin...
is secretly trying to get Strigas in
order to enhance his own position.
Sounds good.
There's one possible danger.
That aide, Vladeck.
He's very jealous
of his position.
He suspects that I may
be trying to replace him.
[ILLYA SCOFFS THEN
PHONE RINGING]
- Hello? VLADECK [OVER
PHONE]: Mr. Donfield?
- Yes.
- Last evening, while you were dancing...
with Madame Kur...
With a certain lady.
You indicated some interest
in selling your, uh, business.
Might we arrange for you to
meet with a prospective purchaser?
SOLO [WHISPERS]: When?
- When? VLADECK: Monday, 3 p.m.
That busy orange-colored
hot-dog stand off Second Avenue.
If you will hold two hot dogs,
as though one were for a friend...
I have a problem, I'm under
complete surveillance...
every time I leave the hotel.
If you'll walk past
the newsstand...
further down that
street, say at 2:50 p.m...
your problem will be
given special attention.
Why a busy hot-dog stand?
Initial contacts are always
better in public. It's safer.
Everything must be
complicated, nothing too easy.
Either for them or us. Otherwise,
Kurasov might become suspicious.
What about the newsstand?
Well, uh, that's where
they take me out.
Isn't it ridiculous to
walk straight into a trap?
I mean, you could get killed.
That's possible, but in broad
daylight on a busy street...
it's more likely I'll get
strong-armed by some plug-ugly.
[BABY CRYING]
MICHAEL: Oh, allow me.
Thank you, but I'm...
Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
- Please forgive me.
MICHAEL: That's quite all right.
Oh, dear.
What's wrong?
I think I just had
my 11:00 feeding.
Taxi.
[MICHAEL GROANS]
The lovely little nursemaid over
there. Either she confused us...
or she's a bad shot with
the tranquilizing fluid.
I'll have to take a chance on the
appointment myself. Take him to the hotel.
- What happened? SOLO: Uh...
He's a nice guy. He's got
a little drinking problem.
CROWD [IN UNISON]: Oh.
[BABY CRYING]
He just had to be burped.
Is one of those a spare?
No. It's, uh, for a friend.
Heh, I'm friendly, Mr. Donfield.
By the way, uh, I'm Mr. Smith.
Would you like to take me for
a walk and see my credentials?
Yes. Uh, I'd like
that very much.
[CHUCKLES]
Your credentials are
very much in order.
And you're also
very pretty, Mr. Smith.
But you don't strike me
as the kind of person...
who goes around buying a
broken-down pest-exterminator business.
Heh, heh. Killing pests
is one of my hobbies.
And your business interests me.
Tell me, Mr. Donfield.
What formula do you
use for your pesticide?
Well, it's kind of a secret.
Besides, I don't really think
your friend could afford it.
Is it Strigas?
Well, uh, could be.
How much is he
willing to pay to find out?
Oh, uh, that all depends
on what Strigas is.
Well, it's something
developed by the Pentagon...
and one of the largest industrial
corporations in the country.
A hundred thousand dollars?
Ridiculous. I'd say two million
would be more to my taste.
Out of the question.
Not for someone who realizes the penalty
for selling military secrets is death.
I, uh...
I might be able to arrange
for half that amount...
if I could tell my friend
exactly what Strigas is.
It's an invisible substance
manufactured underground...
with an impenetrable
security complex.
That's for free.
You wanna find out anything else,
it'll cost you $100,000 in advance.
Now...
if you'll be at this
address between 1 and 2...
with this torn cereal-box top, there
will be someone with the other half.
And he will continue
the negotiations.
SOLO: Thank you.
Goodbye, Mr. Donfield.
Mr. Smith.
MICHAEL: My head.
A lot more will happen
before they're through.
SOLO: And we're getting
near. Every step brings us closer.
The next move may
bring him into the net.
ANNE: What am I to do while
he keeps this appointment?
Pray that Mr. Smith doesn't realize
that she did business with the wrong man.
The others would recognize Napoleon,
so he can't continue with the deception.
SOLO: All right. It's
12:30, Mike. Here.
MICHAEL: Honey.
- Goodbye. ANNE:
Mike, please be careful.
Oh, I will.
- Mr. Donfield? MICHAEL: Yes.
My name is Linkwood,
sir. At your service.
MICHAEL: How do you do?
- This way, please.
My secretary tells me...
you'd be interested in taking out a
group policy on the employees of your firm.
For the Continental
Exterminating Company.
Sit down, please.
All right.
Now, if you'll, uh, just bear with
me while I fill out these forms.
How many employees did you
say were in your firm, Mr. Donfield?
MICHAEL: Two.
Did you say two, sir?
My wife and I.
Your wife and you.
I see.
Mr. Donfield.
I'm afraid you're in
the wrong department.
Group policies are handled here.
Family-insurance
plans on the next floor.
Well, if it's...
references you want...
References?
A box top from a cereal carton?
Well, it isn't any good
without the other half.
I mean, if you want the
free stuffed teddy bear.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
You know what I mean?
You don't know
what I mean? Do you?
Well...
May I?
[SIGHS]
Now, what about Strigas?
What about it?
Your down payment. One
hundred thousand dollars.
What is Strigas?
It's a chemical formula that will
revolutionize modern warfare...
[OVER SPEAKER] even
more than Einstein's E=mc².
Well, Mike, how nice to see you.
SOLO: Well, Mr. Smith,
I'm delighted to see you.
What are you doing? Just
passing by here or what?
No, I was in the neighborhood...
and thought I'd investigate
some insurance possibilities.
Continue, Donfield.
That's all for now.
Mr. Donfield.
You have passed
the point of no return.
You've been photographed and
recorded selling out your country.
I see.
I'll need all your
data immediately.
Directives, locations,
production costs, formula.
I'll need time.
You have until
tomorrow night at 10 p.m.
SOLO: Let's get
down to it, shall we?
If we can't complete the
transaction by the next contact...
forget it.
Patience, darling.
I'm sure the doctor will give you your
final examination at your next appointment.
[SMITH CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
[LINKWOOD HUMMING]
I've just met him
outside. I think he's ready.
Yes.
I think it's time for our friend
to conclude the negotiation.
- I don't like it.
- Oh, come, come.
You are not at home, always in tune with
the gentle nuances of plot and counterplot.
The sly schemes of ambitious
friends. You know even better than I...
the importance of securing all
possible information about Strigas.
How can you be sure that
Donfield won't take the money...
and in return give you
the formula for floor wax...
or some other ridiculous
capitalistic product?
In the field of diplomacy,
Excellency, you are without equal.
But when it comes
to direct espionage...
you would be wiser to leave events
to professionals such as myself.
Thank you.
But this is to be my
own personal coup.
- So?
- Linkwood just phoned.
Mr. Donfield has
arrived at the apartment.
- I have a car waiting at the entrance.
- Good.
At least let me come with you.
I can examine the documents.
I have a great deal of
experience in these matters.
That might be very wise.
All right, come along,
but only as an observer.
But, Excellency, as your aide it
should be my place to go with you.
As my aide, you would do
best by staying out of sight.
Now, you remain
here until we return.
Code room, this is Vladeck here.
Have you not yet broken
the premier's response...
to my request for information on
Colonel Michaelovitch Donyev?
Here's to a good
year, Mr. Donfield.
MICHAEL: No, thank you.
- Ha, ha, ha.
You needn't be
afraid, it isn't drugged.
Are you sure that you slipped
out without Mr. Solo's knowledge?
I slipped Mr. Solo a sedative
in his coffee at dinner.
Good.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- All is in readiness, Excellency.
KURASOV: I'll handle it from here.
- Good evening, Mr. Donfield.
MICHAEL: Is that my money?
- Is that my information?
MICHAEL: Maybe.
KURASOV: May I see?
You may have an hors d'oeuvre.
A photostat of the original
letter sent to the president...
urging immediate
development of Strigas.
And now, just what is Strigas?
It stands for "strike gas."
And its function?
To provide the White House with
the answer to the strategy of overkill.
The White House
now has that answer?
In the form of a
harmless chemical...
capable of putting entire rural
and urban populations to sleep.
The advantages are obvious.
When the effects wear off, the invaded
nation is conquered but physically intact.
Well, I have heard of
American nerve gas...
where one drop will
kill but... But this...
Let me see what you have.
What trick is this?
Telephone books.
Old newspapers.
A lot of junk.
What have you got in your
briefcase? Cigar-store coupons?
You are a very cautious
man, Mr. Donfield.
All right, here you are.
[MICHAEL WHISTLES]
The balance of
your million dollars.
So?
MICHAEL: So...
ILLYA [AS DONYEV]: This map?
MICHAEL: Red circles indicate
the underground locations...
of the plants in Alaska...
already manufacturing
Strigas in mass quantities.
The blue circles
indicate the ICBMs...
and the Strategic Air Force
bombers allocated for delivery.
Those are the primary targets.
Methods of assembly,
analysis, production.
And what is this?
The formula for Strigas.
Well?
ILLYA: It appears to be correct.
- Appears.
This paper represents
my promotion...
to the position of
first deputy premier.
Mr. Donfield...
take your money. You deserve it.
- Mr. Linkwood, how about having a drink.
- Of course, Your Excellency.
KURASOV: Would you
like to join us for a drink?
No, thank you. I don't drink.
VLADECK: Move back, please.
And what do you think
you're doing, you fool?
I sent a cable to the premier.
In your name, Excellency...
requesting verification of the courier
he was to have sent. Here is his reply.
KURASOV: He says
he has sent no one.
The premier does not
dare to confirm the secret.
He dares. My cablegram
stressed the dangers to us all.
Then who are these two men?
Indeed, who?
Who were you two working for?
The CIA?
The French Deuxième Bureau?
The British Fourth Section?
Colonel Donyev,
or whoever you are.
You will return with
us to the embassy.
And I assure you, before the sun
rises, both of you will tell me everything.
I will tell you nothing.
We all know the price
of failure, gentlemen.
[GAGGING]
The scent of bitter almonds.
Cyanide.
KURASOV: Are you planning
to use the same route of escape?
In that case...
I will give you exactly one hour
to dispose of your companion.
If Mr. Linkwood returns to this
apartment and still finds his body here...
we will see to it that the police
have definite proof that you killed him.
Goodbye.
Get the money, you fool.
Illya.
Illya.
- Illya, you didn't really...
- No, I didn't really.
But when Mr. Waverly finds
out what happened, I'll wish I had.
Well...
[SIGHS]
there goes the ballgame.
MICHAEL: I'm sorry.
I thought we had him.
He almost swallowed the hook.
Almost.
A word that sticks edgewise
in the throat to strangle one.
Still...
it was a lovely scheme.
Yes, it's too lovely to blow at this
stage. There must be some way to recoup.
Do you have any ideas, Illya?
How can I have ideas? I'm dead.
- You almost had me believing it there.
- That's right.
That is right.
You are dead, mm-hm.
But who sent you?
What are you talking about?
Shh. He has an idea.
It's terribly important that
Ambassador Kurasov...
know who you work for, my dear
Colonel Michaelovitch Donyev.
Open Channel D.
[RADIO BEEPS]
Alert Section Four,
Photography and Documents...
for an emergency operation.
I'll be there in 15 minutes.
MICHAEL: What can we do now?
SOLO: You and I are going to
have some special pictures taken.
Illya, I want you to stay
and wait for Mr. Linkwood.
And then bring him
home, alive and unmarked.
Must you qualify your requests?
[SIGHS]
Oh, no, no.
I thought you'd be gone.
But where would I go?
[STAMMERING]
You're dead.
Well, in which case, this
should not hurt you at all.
[LINKWOOD GRUNTS]
WAVERLY: Well, I'm
sorry about the rough stuff.
But believe me, Mr. Kuryakin
was handling you almost tenderly...
in comparison with what
he plans to do to you.
However...
I might persuade him to
allow you to go on living.
Provided you tell us a few odds
and ends about Mr. Kurasov...
about your
intelligence apparatus.
No?
It's a pity.
We'd have been happier with you
if you'd volunteered the information.
As it is, when we get the information
from you without your cooperation...
I might not be able to help you.
You know, it's criminal the way truth drugs
in a cigarette destroys smoking pleasure.
In 15 seconds you're going
to tell us everything we want.
That's how long before
the drug takes effect.
Afterwards, we'll
toss you back to Illya.
No, no, that won't be
necessary. I'll tell you.
Kurasov has very little to do
with the espionage apparatus.
SOLO: Yes.
- He's primarily a diplomatic.
SOLO: I see.
- Mr. Smith is the chief of, uh, my unit.
She sends reports directly
back to General Kolodin...
through the diplomatic pouches.
And that's where Kurasov comes in.
It must be more than 15 seconds.
I don't feel any change.
Why should you?
You know, some people find
Turkish cigarettes very strong...
but actually you can get to,
uh, like them quite quickly.
All right.
You can do what you want to me.
I'm not going to
tell you any more.
I doubt that.
We've done for you
as you did for Donfield.
These tapes and this film could
find their way to General Kolodin.
I understand he disposes
of his mistakes by garrote.
You're our animal now.
What do you want?
There's just one small
errand we'd like you to perform.
What's that?
You will go to the embassy and
awaken Ambassador Kurasov.
And then you will say to him:
"When I return..."
And when I returned...
the body was still on the floor.
Donfield had apparently bolted,
leaving things as they were.
But before I could set in motion the
steps to implicate him for murder...
I received an urgent
message from our Z Section.
Colonel Michaelovitch Donyev...
it seems, is one of our people.
What are you saying? Vladeck has
the communication from the premier.
The premier didn't
send the colonel.
General Kolodin
sent him secretly.
General Kolodin wanted
Strigas for himself.
I do not believe it. Now,
what proof do you have of this?
[STAMMERS]
I felt as you, Excellency.
And that's why I went to
Donyev's place. I tore it apart.
And I found this suitcase there.
It has a false
bottom here inside.
You can see here.
- What is it, Laslo?
LINKWOOD: Colonel...
Colonel Donyev had
been trailing, uh...
Donfield and Mr. Solo for weeks.
He took these photographs
with a telephoto lens.
Here you can see he caught them
entering the White House for conferences.
Now, these tape recordings.
They are conversations from
the White House to Donfield.
The colonel discovered
a direct line and tapped it.
- What is all the excitement
about? KURASOV: Shh!
VLADECK: But, Excellency, why
should Colonel Donyev kill himself?
It is all your fault. Don't
you know that even now?
He failed Kolodin.
We had exposed them.
It was all to be my coup.
If he had talked, I would have
destroyed Kolodin after my promotion.
I had it all in my hands,
and I threw it away.
- Really, what have you thrown...?
- Will you stop talking?
I'm afraid, Excellency, you
have thrown away all our lives.
When General Kolodin discovers
that we destroyed his agent...
that we let Strigas slip
through our hands...
he'll turn us to the
central committee.
- You know his mind.
- Oh, yes.
And he will claim that we
violated his area of authority.
That we bungled his operation.
That we destroyed his apparatus.
And then he will have us killed.
Unless...
Unless, Excellency?
Unless, I send home Strigas.
- Running away? MICHAEL:
Of course I'm running away.
ANNE: Will you get out of here?
MICHAEL: What do you think I'd be doing?
ANNE: Why couldn't you leave him alone?
- So you've told her.
I only meant to enrich your husband,
my dear. Really, this is not necessary.
MICHAEL: What am I
gonna do? Hang around here?
You boys are cute. You kill
each other. You pin it on me.
You get up evidence against me for
immorality and treason and murder.
And what else? Oh,
you do a great job.
Ha, this is all a great misunderstanding
that can be very easily cleaned up.
Well, no, thank you. You've
done enough for me already.
I'm getting out while
I have the chance.
Now, we will get rid
of the colonel's body.
That will eliminate
the murder charge.
And then, when you and I have
completed our little arrangement...
you will be wealthy again.
And you can still retain
your position of trust.
Mike, you can't believe
anything he says.
Madam, I assure you, I want
no trouble, no more than you do.
Now, where are those documents?
So now you believe me? Now?
Now you wanna buy in again?
Why?
- Why need not concern
you. ANNE: Mike.
KURASOV: There is an airplane
leaving within one hour for my nation.
Those papers of
yours must be aboard.
Close our deal now
or I will kill you both.
The papers are where they were.
Are these the papers?
They're all here.
Within 24 hours, I shall be the hero
who secured Strigas for the secretariat.
General Kolodin will be dead.
You, my dear friend,
I will reward later.
I ask nothing, Your Excellency.
Let all the credit be yours.
Mr. Donfield, I'm
going to keep your coat.
Why don't you buy
yourself another one?
You can afford it.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
[MICHAEL CHEERS]
I'll watch from up close now.
You two were wonderful.
It's a very professional act.
The fish has bitten?
SOLO: And been reeled in.
Now to put him in the frying pan.
Our pilot is waiting.
What are you gonna
do with all that money?
Uh, deposit it. You see,
before we started this...
we arranged for a safety-deposit
box in a Swiss bank.
Now, although the box is not in
Ambassador Kurasov's name...
we've managed to
have information leaked...
makes it appear as though
it is Kurasov's own box.
The general's agents
have been watching it.
Now, into that box
goes this million dollars.
General Kolodin has the serial
numbers of all the monies issued.
Including the numbers
of these notes.
Why, that's
absolutely diabolical.
We try.
- Would you help me, Laslo, darling?
- Of course, my dear.
And may I tell you
how lovely you look.
Why, thank you, dear.
You know, you seem very
pleased with yourself these days.
- Are you anticipating something?
- Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
- Perhaps a little surprise.
- Surprise?
Something on the order of our
returning home as first secretary, perhaps?
Laslo, have you heard something?
And since when do you
enter without knocking?
A thousand pardons, Excellency.
But I had some news
that could not wait.
A dispatch from home.
KURASOV: We're to return, yes?
- Yes.
You are to return.
On the very next plane.
You see, my darling?
Tell me.
Was there something else?
Something about an advancement?
Oh, yes. I have been
advanced to take your position.
I am now the ambassador.
Yes. We will see about
that when I get home.
VLADECK: When you return
home, you will be very busy...
explaining to the secretariat
why you sent them the formula...
for American floor wax.
What is he talking about?
But it can't be.
I sent them the
plans for Strigas.
They know nothing of Strigas.
They believe it doesn't exist.
You sent them floor wax.
Now, wait a minute.
There is some mistake.
An honest mistake.
I was only doing my duty.
Your duty?
Well, General Kolodin
has a few questions.
Something about a million
dollars of our government's money...
discovered in your
safety-deposit box in Switzerland.
What are you talking about?
The general will explain it
all to you upon your arrival.
I believe you know
these two gentlemen...
from our Z Section.
They will take you to the airport
and accompany you on your trip.
And now...
Get out of here, you fool.
SOLO: Goodbye.
Have a good flight.
Wear a warm coat.
I'd give you a pill, but it
failed to work with me, you see.
[MUTTERING IN EASTERN
EUROPEAN LANGUAGE]
Well, what's the next case?
Uh, heh, I'm the next case.
[ENGLISH SDH]
gentlemen, my government...
together with all the other peace-loving
governments throughout the entire world...
denounce the East and
West alike as hypocrites...
and imperialistic warmongers.
WOMAN: No, no, no.
Lower the level of your
voice. It has too much bluster.
If you are to upset the
disarmament conference...
your tone must be more vital.
And much more threatening.
Ah, your criticism is
most useful, my Lubchek.
[APPLAUSE ON RECORDING]
MAN [ON RECORDING]:
And that is why, gentlemen...
that my government, together
with all the peace-loving...
Ambassador Laslo
Kurasov, gentlemen.
Speaking at the
disarmament conference.
A ruthless and
dangerous warmonger...
hiding under the
cloak of diplomacy.
One part Molotov, one
part Von Ribbentrop...
salt with Genghis Khan
and garlic with Machiavelli.
This magazine puts it well:
"Though his nation is
only a spit in the Balkans...
Kurasov's power is awesome.
An old revolutionary
comrade of his premier...
the ambassador also speaks for
those who are eager for a war...
between East and West."
Objective: The premier and
his country pick up the remains.
Then you'll understand
Section One's decision.
It will be your job, Mr. Solo,
along with Mr. Kuryakin here...
to see that Kurasov is removed
from the international scene.
Permanently?
Yes, but not by any means
that'll make him a cause célèbre.
He must be reduced
to complete nonentity.
Absolutely useless to his government
and allied disrupters of world peace.
Do you have any idea how
we might accomplish that, sir?
Oh, I'm sure the two of you are capable
of concocting some diabolical scheme.
[GROANING]
RECEPTIONIST: What is this?
- I must see the ambassador.
RECEPTIONIST: Stop.
This is embassy is foreign soil.
Police are not permitted
without authorization.
Take that up with the State Department.
This man's wounded. He needs medical aid.
RECEPTIONIST: Wait.
Stop, you cannot go up there.
Strigas YL893.
What is the explanation of this?
He got in an argument with another
man just outside the embassy.
The other man pulled a
knife, stabbed him and ran.
Wait. He cannot be moved
without the ambassador's consent.
His pulse is very weak. We gotta
get him to a hospital immediately.
Our government does not
wish an incident. Take him away.
[MAN GRUNTING]
Vladeck, check it.
Uh, check what, Excellency?
"Check what?" You fool.
Find out if Strigas YL893
has any significance.
[SIREN WAILS]
SOLO: Splendid job, gentlemen.
Thanks, Charlie.
- My compliments to Section Three.
- That's a relief.
Yes, I've got that.
Good. Thank you.
Luxury View Motel.
Must be a big job.
I hope so...
or the Continental Exterminator Company
will be exterminated by its creditors.
MICHAEL: Patience,
Mrs. Donfield, patience.
We'll soon be out of the red, and
into a white cottage in suburbia...
complete with rose bushes
and a built-in barbeque.
ANNE: And children.
- And a automatic washer and dryer.
- And a built-in oven.
- And children.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
And creditors.
Come in.
- Good morning. MICHAEL:
Well, that depends.
My name is Napoleon Solo.
I represent an organization
known as the U.N.C.L.E.
Well, uh, we haven't
received your bill.
Well, quite to the contrary.
We are here to eliminate bills.
As a matter of fact, a very
rich uncle just came to life...
and he's going to take
care of all your debts.
MICHAEL: That's funny. I don't
remember entering any contests.
I know all his relatives. No rich
uncles. I didn't marry him for his money.
You're Mrs. Anne Donfield.
Formerly Miss Anne Cortney.
Graduate of Bennington, 1960.
And you're Mr. Michael Donfield.
Graduated of MIT, 1958,
chemical engineering.
One of the top
men in your class.
Mr. Donfield, I need a
man and I need him quickly.
But he must have the right
background and he must be legitimate...
because a certain party's going
to check him out quite thoroughly.
You suit all of these
qualifications to a T.
Most importantly, you've just
made rather a peculiar move...
and that may very well intrigue
the man who checks you out.
You mean like giving up a
$35,000-a-year job with a large firm...
for all of this?
I just wanna have a
business of my own.
Would...? Would you mind...?
Excuse me, would you mind...?
Would you mind getting out of here
unless you want some pests eliminated?
SOLO: As a matter of fact, we
want to eliminate one large pest.
More importantly, we want
to preserve world peace.
We would like you to accept a
position with a non-existent corporation...
manufacturing a
non-existent product.
ANNE: What are you doing?
Installing a telephone.
Well, that's very nice of you,
but we already have a telephone.
Not like this one, you don't.
All right. I may be out of shape, but I
can still toss the two of you out of here.
Mr. Donfield, I am sure you
can toss us both out of here.
Perhaps it won't be necessary
after you hear me out.
And if you still feel the same
way, we will leave quietly.
Five minutes.
That's all it will take
me to tell you about...
Strigas.
Mrs. Donfield,
you look beautiful.
Everything is very beautiful.
But I'm not so sure
we're doing the right thing.
Your chauffeured
limousine is waiting for you.
When does it turn
into a pumpkin?
I can assure you that it won't.
You're going to be the guests of the
government at an international ball.
Now, one final briefing.
In about one hour, Ambassador
Kurasov and his aides...
are going to
discover that YL893...
is the code designation
for Michael Donfield.
A man who runs an unsuccessful
pest-control business...
which is really a front
for Strigas headquarters.
Then later at the party, he will discover
that Michael Donfield is a very bright...
but cautious young man.
And also that he has
two vulnerable spots.
He adores beautiful women
and he loves strong martinis.
Do you think you can
convince him of that?
Well, I can try.
Now, just don't overplay
your part, darling.
[CHUCKLES]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
The man who was taken from
the embassy died in the hospital.
His identity was obliterated
by U.S. Army Intelligence.
And what do our agents
report about Strigas YL893?
YL893 is a Michael Donfield.
He was one of America's most
promising chemical engineers.
Last year, he resigned
from a large firm...
to open a small exterminating
company on Staten Island.
But that company could be a
shield for some other activity.
Strigas.
- You're very clever, Excellency.
- No. You're stupid.
Not one of our agents have ever
encountered the name Strigas...
either published
or in secret file.
So please don't come to me with
any more of your insipid conclusions.
- Yes, sir.
- I might, however...
suggest that you send one of
our agents to pay a nighttime visit...
to the Continental Exterminator
Company to see what he can see.
I do it myself, Excellency.
Please, don't. I prefer you
send someone more intelligent.
MAN [ON PHONE]: This is
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Hot line for Strigas open.
The president is
unavailable at the moment.
Will the secretary
of defense do?
[CHATTERING]
The one on the
right is Mr. Donfield.
On the left, his wife.
Entertain Mr. Donfield, my dear.
Very well, darling.
KURASOV: Who is the other one?
Napoleon Solo.
Agent with the U.N.C.L.E.
U.N.C.L.E., huh?
Obviously assigned
to protect Mr. Donfield.
A little too obvious, I think.
Why should a member of a
multinational security organization...
be assigned to cover
an American project?
Interesting
question, Excellency.
Yes. And you might trouble yourself
to find out if our friend has returned...
from his exploration with
an interesting answer.
Yes, sir.
KURASOV: Thank you.
Do not drink the champagne.
Merely dip your
finger in and taste it.
Do as I say.
[HISSES]
Cyanide.
It will be the first of
many attempts on your life.
I am not naive, sir.
It is possible that you might
have put the poison into that drink.
Perhaps this will help
convince you that I did not.
Colonel Michaelovitch
Donyev, huh?
How long have you been assigned to
supervising diplomatic personnel abroad?
Five years.
And you were with the state
secret police much longer.
That is not generally known.
We are indebted to
you, Your Excellency,
for ridding the
department of deviationists.
KURASOV: You may tell General
Kolodin I do not require watching...
by the running dogs
of a secret police.
I have nothing to do
with General Kolodin.
I am working as personal
courier to the premier.
You may read the microdot
at your convenience.
If you are still doubtful...
you can see that the message is
in the premier's own handwriting.
- Why did the premier send you?
- The premier wishes you to know...
as an old and loyal comrade,
that your position is in danger.
Your work disrupting the disarmament
conference was too successful.
You are being spoken
of as next in line.
Those who have ambitions
for the succession...
are working for
your elimination.
Kolodin.
Eventually either he or I will
succeed to the first secretariat.
ILLYA [AS DONYEV]: Unless you
can achieve a personal, political coup.
Then your position would
become so impregnable...
no one would dare to
denounce you publicly.
MICHAEL: Never
tired, Mrs. Kurasov.
You're the most beautiful
woman I have ever met.
Oops, I'm terribly sorry.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Ooh, what do we
got here? Look at this.
I have a poem for you.
If it be true that I do think
There are five good
reasons Why we should drink.
Good wine
A friend
Or being dry Or lest
we should be, by and by.
Mmm.
Or any other reason why.
[MICHAEL CHUCKLING]
Excuse me, Madame Kurasov. Darling,
don't you think you've had enough?
- We really should be leaving.
- Pardon me, madam, I'm a married man.
I've had just about
all I can stand.
Will you see that he gets
home. I'm taking a cab.
SOLO: Yes. If you wish.
- Wait, honey...
Come right along here now.
- Excuse me. MICHAEL:
Pardon me, I'm terribly sorry.
VLADECK: Is there some trouble?
- Yes, my friend is overtrained...
Calvin Coolidge, how are you?
Cal, baby, you wanna taste mine?
I think you've had enough
for tonight, Mr. Donfield.
- Let me see you home.
- That's democratic spirit.
Democratic spirit.
Bless you all.
- Bless you and you and you... SOLO:
That's right. You're right about that.
[MICHAEL GIGGLES]
Have you ever heard
the word "Strigas"?
Yeah. General Kolodin
discounts its importance.
But it could be the answer
to the premier's message.
ILLYA: There is to be no answer.
The message is to be
destroyed after reading.
Trust no one.
Well, what did you find out?
Our agent has inspected the
Continental Exterminating Company.
Yes, I know he's inspected it,
but did he find anything suspicious?
A secret phone.
The direct line to the
president of the United States.
I never should've let him out of
my sight. I should have known better.
It was just awful. Honey,
you have... You have no id...
What's our next move?
I know how you feel, Anne.
Ugh, do you really, Mr. Solo?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Kurasov insisted I spend
the night at the embassy.
SOLO: How did your part go?
Fine.
The more I counseled caution,
the more intrigued he became.
He is now concerned that
his enemy, General Kolodin...
is secretly trying to get Strigas in
order to enhance his own position.
Sounds good.
There's one possible danger.
That aide, Vladeck.
He's very jealous
of his position.
He suspects that I may
be trying to replace him.
[ILLYA SCOFFS THEN
PHONE RINGING]
- Hello? VLADECK [OVER
PHONE]: Mr. Donfield?
- Yes.
- Last evening, while you were dancing...
with Madame Kur...
With a certain lady.
You indicated some interest
in selling your, uh, business.
Might we arrange for you to
meet with a prospective purchaser?
SOLO [WHISPERS]: When?
- When? VLADECK: Monday, 3 p.m.
That busy orange-colored
hot-dog stand off Second Avenue.
If you will hold two hot dogs,
as though one were for a friend...
I have a problem, I'm under
complete surveillance...
every time I leave the hotel.
If you'll walk past
the newsstand...
further down that
street, say at 2:50 p.m...
your problem will be
given special attention.
Why a busy hot-dog stand?
Initial contacts are always
better in public. It's safer.
Everything must be
complicated, nothing too easy.
Either for them or us. Otherwise,
Kurasov might become suspicious.
What about the newsstand?
Well, uh, that's where
they take me out.
Isn't it ridiculous to
walk straight into a trap?
I mean, you could get killed.
That's possible, but in broad
daylight on a busy street...
it's more likely I'll get
strong-armed by some plug-ugly.
[BABY CRYING]
MICHAEL: Oh, allow me.
Thank you, but I'm...
Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
- Please forgive me.
MICHAEL: That's quite all right.
Oh, dear.
What's wrong?
I think I just had
my 11:00 feeding.
Taxi.
[MICHAEL GROANS]
The lovely little nursemaid over
there. Either she confused us...
or she's a bad shot with
the tranquilizing fluid.
I'll have to take a chance on the
appointment myself. Take him to the hotel.
- What happened? SOLO: Uh...
He's a nice guy. He's got
a little drinking problem.
CROWD [IN UNISON]: Oh.
[BABY CRYING]
He just had to be burped.
Is one of those a spare?
No. It's, uh, for a friend.
Heh, I'm friendly, Mr. Donfield.
By the way, uh, I'm Mr. Smith.
Would you like to take me for
a walk and see my credentials?
Yes. Uh, I'd like
that very much.
[CHUCKLES]
Your credentials are
very much in order.
And you're also
very pretty, Mr. Smith.
But you don't strike me
as the kind of person...
who goes around buying a
broken-down pest-exterminator business.
Heh, heh. Killing pests
is one of my hobbies.
And your business interests me.
Tell me, Mr. Donfield.
What formula do you
use for your pesticide?
Well, it's kind of a secret.
Besides, I don't really think
your friend could afford it.
Is it Strigas?
Well, uh, could be.
How much is he
willing to pay to find out?
Oh, uh, that all depends
on what Strigas is.
Well, it's something
developed by the Pentagon...
and one of the largest industrial
corporations in the country.
A hundred thousand dollars?
Ridiculous. I'd say two million
would be more to my taste.
Out of the question.
Not for someone who realizes the penalty
for selling military secrets is death.
I, uh...
I might be able to arrange
for half that amount...
if I could tell my friend
exactly what Strigas is.
It's an invisible substance
manufactured underground...
with an impenetrable
security complex.
That's for free.
You wanna find out anything else,
it'll cost you $100,000 in advance.
Now...
if you'll be at this
address between 1 and 2...
with this torn cereal-box top, there
will be someone with the other half.
And he will continue
the negotiations.
SOLO: Thank you.
Goodbye, Mr. Donfield.
Mr. Smith.
MICHAEL: My head.
A lot more will happen
before they're through.
SOLO: And we're getting
near. Every step brings us closer.
The next move may
bring him into the net.
ANNE: What am I to do while
he keeps this appointment?
Pray that Mr. Smith doesn't realize
that she did business with the wrong man.
The others would recognize Napoleon,
so he can't continue with the deception.
SOLO: All right. It's
12:30, Mike. Here.
MICHAEL: Honey.
- Goodbye. ANNE:
Mike, please be careful.
Oh, I will.
- Mr. Donfield? MICHAEL: Yes.
My name is Linkwood,
sir. At your service.
MICHAEL: How do you do?
- This way, please.
My secretary tells me...
you'd be interested in taking out a
group policy on the employees of your firm.
For the Continental
Exterminating Company.
Sit down, please.
All right.
Now, if you'll, uh, just bear with
me while I fill out these forms.
How many employees did you
say were in your firm, Mr. Donfield?
MICHAEL: Two.
Did you say two, sir?
My wife and I.
Your wife and you.
I see.
Mr. Donfield.
I'm afraid you're in
the wrong department.
Group policies are handled here.
Family-insurance
plans on the next floor.
Well, if it's...
references you want...
References?
A box top from a cereal carton?
Well, it isn't any good
without the other half.
I mean, if you want the
free stuffed teddy bear.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
You know what I mean?
You don't know
what I mean? Do you?
Well...
May I?
[SIGHS]
Now, what about Strigas?
What about it?
Your down payment. One
hundred thousand dollars.
What is Strigas?
It's a chemical formula that will
revolutionize modern warfare...
[OVER SPEAKER] even
more than Einstein's E=mc².
Well, Mike, how nice to see you.
SOLO: Well, Mr. Smith,
I'm delighted to see you.
What are you doing? Just
passing by here or what?
No, I was in the neighborhood...
and thought I'd investigate
some insurance possibilities.
Continue, Donfield.
That's all for now.
Mr. Donfield.
You have passed
the point of no return.
You've been photographed and
recorded selling out your country.
I see.
I'll need all your
data immediately.
Directives, locations,
production costs, formula.
I'll need time.
You have until
tomorrow night at 10 p.m.
SOLO: Let's get
down to it, shall we?
If we can't complete the
transaction by the next contact...
forget it.
Patience, darling.
I'm sure the doctor will give you your
final examination at your next appointment.
[SMITH CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
[LINKWOOD HUMMING]
I've just met him
outside. I think he's ready.
Yes.
I think it's time for our friend
to conclude the negotiation.
- I don't like it.
- Oh, come, come.
You are not at home, always in tune with
the gentle nuances of plot and counterplot.
The sly schemes of ambitious
friends. You know even better than I...
the importance of securing all
possible information about Strigas.
How can you be sure that
Donfield won't take the money...
and in return give you
the formula for floor wax...
or some other ridiculous
capitalistic product?
In the field of diplomacy,
Excellency, you are without equal.
But when it comes
to direct espionage...
you would be wiser to leave events
to professionals such as myself.
Thank you.
But this is to be my
own personal coup.
- So?
- Linkwood just phoned.
Mr. Donfield has
arrived at the apartment.
- I have a car waiting at the entrance.
- Good.
At least let me come with you.
I can examine the documents.
I have a great deal of
experience in these matters.
That might be very wise.
All right, come along,
but only as an observer.
But, Excellency, as your aide it
should be my place to go with you.
As my aide, you would do
best by staying out of sight.
Now, you remain
here until we return.
Code room, this is Vladeck here.
Have you not yet broken
the premier's response...
to my request for information on
Colonel Michaelovitch Donyev?
Here's to a good
year, Mr. Donfield.
MICHAEL: No, thank you.
- Ha, ha, ha.
You needn't be
afraid, it isn't drugged.
Are you sure that you slipped
out without Mr. Solo's knowledge?
I slipped Mr. Solo a sedative
in his coffee at dinner.
Good.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- All is in readiness, Excellency.
KURASOV: I'll handle it from here.
- Good evening, Mr. Donfield.
MICHAEL: Is that my money?
- Is that my information?
MICHAEL: Maybe.
KURASOV: May I see?
You may have an hors d'oeuvre.
A photostat of the original
letter sent to the president...
urging immediate
development of Strigas.
And now, just what is Strigas?
It stands for "strike gas."
And its function?
To provide the White House with
the answer to the strategy of overkill.
The White House
now has that answer?
In the form of a
harmless chemical...
capable of putting entire rural
and urban populations to sleep.
The advantages are obvious.
When the effects wear off, the invaded
nation is conquered but physically intact.
Well, I have heard of
American nerve gas...
where one drop will
kill but... But this...
Let me see what you have.
What trick is this?
Telephone books.
Old newspapers.
A lot of junk.
What have you got in your
briefcase? Cigar-store coupons?
You are a very cautious
man, Mr. Donfield.
All right, here you are.
[MICHAEL WHISTLES]
The balance of
your million dollars.
So?
MICHAEL: So...
ILLYA [AS DONYEV]: This map?
MICHAEL: Red circles indicate
the underground locations...
of the plants in Alaska...
already manufacturing
Strigas in mass quantities.
The blue circles
indicate the ICBMs...
and the Strategic Air Force
bombers allocated for delivery.
Those are the primary targets.
Methods of assembly,
analysis, production.
And what is this?
The formula for Strigas.
Well?
ILLYA: It appears to be correct.
- Appears.
This paper represents
my promotion...
to the position of
first deputy premier.
Mr. Donfield...
take your money. You deserve it.
- Mr. Linkwood, how about having a drink.
- Of course, Your Excellency.
KURASOV: Would you
like to join us for a drink?
No, thank you. I don't drink.
VLADECK: Move back, please.
And what do you think
you're doing, you fool?
I sent a cable to the premier.
In your name, Excellency...
requesting verification of the courier
he was to have sent. Here is his reply.
KURASOV: He says
he has sent no one.
The premier does not
dare to confirm the secret.
He dares. My cablegram
stressed the dangers to us all.
Then who are these two men?
Indeed, who?
Who were you two working for?
The CIA?
The French Deuxième Bureau?
The British Fourth Section?
Colonel Donyev,
or whoever you are.
You will return with
us to the embassy.
And I assure you, before the sun
rises, both of you will tell me everything.
I will tell you nothing.
We all know the price
of failure, gentlemen.
[GAGGING]
The scent of bitter almonds.
Cyanide.
KURASOV: Are you planning
to use the same route of escape?
In that case...
I will give you exactly one hour
to dispose of your companion.
If Mr. Linkwood returns to this
apartment and still finds his body here...
we will see to it that the police
have definite proof that you killed him.
Goodbye.
Get the money, you fool.
Illya.
Illya.
- Illya, you didn't really...
- No, I didn't really.
But when Mr. Waverly finds
out what happened, I'll wish I had.
Well...
[SIGHS]
there goes the ballgame.
MICHAEL: I'm sorry.
I thought we had him.
He almost swallowed the hook.
Almost.
A word that sticks edgewise
in the throat to strangle one.
Still...
it was a lovely scheme.
Yes, it's too lovely to blow at this
stage. There must be some way to recoup.
Do you have any ideas, Illya?
How can I have ideas? I'm dead.
- You almost had me believing it there.
- That's right.
That is right.
You are dead, mm-hm.
But who sent you?
What are you talking about?
Shh. He has an idea.
It's terribly important that
Ambassador Kurasov...
know who you work for, my dear
Colonel Michaelovitch Donyev.
Open Channel D.
[RADIO BEEPS]
Alert Section Four,
Photography and Documents...
for an emergency operation.
I'll be there in 15 minutes.
MICHAEL: What can we do now?
SOLO: You and I are going to
have some special pictures taken.
Illya, I want you to stay
and wait for Mr. Linkwood.
And then bring him
home, alive and unmarked.
Must you qualify your requests?
[SIGHS]
Oh, no, no.
I thought you'd be gone.
But where would I go?
[STAMMERING]
You're dead.
Well, in which case, this
should not hurt you at all.
[LINKWOOD GRUNTS]
WAVERLY: Well, I'm
sorry about the rough stuff.
But believe me, Mr. Kuryakin
was handling you almost tenderly...
in comparison with what
he plans to do to you.
However...
I might persuade him to
allow you to go on living.
Provided you tell us a few odds
and ends about Mr. Kurasov...
about your
intelligence apparatus.
No?
It's a pity.
We'd have been happier with you
if you'd volunteered the information.
As it is, when we get the information
from you without your cooperation...
I might not be able to help you.
You know, it's criminal the way truth drugs
in a cigarette destroys smoking pleasure.
In 15 seconds you're going
to tell us everything we want.
That's how long before
the drug takes effect.
Afterwards, we'll
toss you back to Illya.
No, no, that won't be
necessary. I'll tell you.
Kurasov has very little to do
with the espionage apparatus.
SOLO: Yes.
- He's primarily a diplomatic.
SOLO: I see.
- Mr. Smith is the chief of, uh, my unit.
She sends reports directly
back to General Kolodin...
through the diplomatic pouches.
And that's where Kurasov comes in.
It must be more than 15 seconds.
I don't feel any change.
Why should you?
You know, some people find
Turkish cigarettes very strong...
but actually you can get to,
uh, like them quite quickly.
All right.
You can do what you want to me.
I'm not going to
tell you any more.
I doubt that.
We've done for you
as you did for Donfield.
These tapes and this film could
find their way to General Kolodin.
I understand he disposes
of his mistakes by garrote.
You're our animal now.
What do you want?
There's just one small
errand we'd like you to perform.
What's that?
You will go to the embassy and
awaken Ambassador Kurasov.
And then you will say to him:
"When I return..."
And when I returned...
the body was still on the floor.
Donfield had apparently bolted,
leaving things as they were.
But before I could set in motion the
steps to implicate him for murder...
I received an urgent
message from our Z Section.
Colonel Michaelovitch Donyev...
it seems, is one of our people.
What are you saying? Vladeck has
the communication from the premier.
The premier didn't
send the colonel.
General Kolodin
sent him secretly.
General Kolodin wanted
Strigas for himself.
I do not believe it. Now,
what proof do you have of this?
[STAMMERS]
I felt as you, Excellency.
And that's why I went to
Donyev's place. I tore it apart.
And I found this suitcase there.
It has a false
bottom here inside.
You can see here.
- What is it, Laslo?
LINKWOOD: Colonel...
Colonel Donyev had
been trailing, uh...
Donfield and Mr. Solo for weeks.
He took these photographs
with a telephoto lens.
Here you can see he caught them
entering the White House for conferences.
Now, these tape recordings.
They are conversations from
the White House to Donfield.
The colonel discovered
a direct line and tapped it.
- What is all the excitement
about? KURASOV: Shh!
VLADECK: But, Excellency, why
should Colonel Donyev kill himself?
It is all your fault. Don't
you know that even now?
He failed Kolodin.
We had exposed them.
It was all to be my coup.
If he had talked, I would have
destroyed Kolodin after my promotion.
I had it all in my hands,
and I threw it away.
- Really, what have you thrown...?
- Will you stop talking?
I'm afraid, Excellency, you
have thrown away all our lives.
When General Kolodin discovers
that we destroyed his agent...
that we let Strigas slip
through our hands...
he'll turn us to the
central committee.
- You know his mind.
- Oh, yes.
And he will claim that we
violated his area of authority.
That we bungled his operation.
That we destroyed his apparatus.
And then he will have us killed.
Unless...
Unless, Excellency?
Unless, I send home Strigas.
- Running away? MICHAEL:
Of course I'm running away.
ANNE: Will you get out of here?
MICHAEL: What do you think I'd be doing?
ANNE: Why couldn't you leave him alone?
- So you've told her.
I only meant to enrich your husband,
my dear. Really, this is not necessary.
MICHAEL: What am I
gonna do? Hang around here?
You boys are cute. You kill
each other. You pin it on me.
You get up evidence against me for
immorality and treason and murder.
And what else? Oh,
you do a great job.
Ha, this is all a great misunderstanding
that can be very easily cleaned up.
Well, no, thank you. You've
done enough for me already.
I'm getting out while
I have the chance.
Now, we will get rid
of the colonel's body.
That will eliminate
the murder charge.
And then, when you and I have
completed our little arrangement...
you will be wealthy again.
And you can still retain
your position of trust.
Mike, you can't believe
anything he says.
Madam, I assure you, I want
no trouble, no more than you do.
Now, where are those documents?
So now you believe me? Now?
Now you wanna buy in again?
Why?
- Why need not concern
you. ANNE: Mike.
KURASOV: There is an airplane
leaving within one hour for my nation.
Those papers of
yours must be aboard.
Close our deal now
or I will kill you both.
The papers are where they were.
Are these the papers?
They're all here.
Within 24 hours, I shall be the hero
who secured Strigas for the secretariat.
General Kolodin will be dead.
You, my dear friend,
I will reward later.
I ask nothing, Your Excellency.
Let all the credit be yours.
Mr. Donfield, I'm
going to keep your coat.
Why don't you buy
yourself another one?
You can afford it.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
[MICHAEL CHEERS]
I'll watch from up close now.
You two were wonderful.
It's a very professional act.
The fish has bitten?
SOLO: And been reeled in.
Now to put him in the frying pan.
Our pilot is waiting.
What are you gonna
do with all that money?
Uh, deposit it. You see,
before we started this...
we arranged for a safety-deposit
box in a Swiss bank.
Now, although the box is not in
Ambassador Kurasov's name...
we've managed to
have information leaked...
makes it appear as though
it is Kurasov's own box.
The general's agents
have been watching it.
Now, into that box
goes this million dollars.
General Kolodin has the serial
numbers of all the monies issued.
Including the numbers
of these notes.
Why, that's
absolutely diabolical.
We try.
- Would you help me, Laslo, darling?
- Of course, my dear.
And may I tell you
how lovely you look.
Why, thank you, dear.
You know, you seem very
pleased with yourself these days.
- Are you anticipating something?
- Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
- Perhaps a little surprise.
- Surprise?
Something on the order of our
returning home as first secretary, perhaps?
Laslo, have you heard something?
And since when do you
enter without knocking?
A thousand pardons, Excellency.
But I had some news
that could not wait.
A dispatch from home.
KURASOV: We're to return, yes?
- Yes.
You are to return.
On the very next plane.
You see, my darling?
Tell me.
Was there something else?
Something about an advancement?
Oh, yes. I have been
advanced to take your position.
I am now the ambassador.
Yes. We will see about
that when I get home.
VLADECK: When you return
home, you will be very busy...
explaining to the secretariat
why you sent them the formula...
for American floor wax.
What is he talking about?
But it can't be.
I sent them the
plans for Strigas.
They know nothing of Strigas.
They believe it doesn't exist.
You sent them floor wax.
Now, wait a minute.
There is some mistake.
An honest mistake.
I was only doing my duty.
Your duty?
Well, General Kolodin
has a few questions.
Something about a million
dollars of our government's money...
discovered in your
safety-deposit box in Switzerland.
What are you talking about?
The general will explain it
all to you upon your arrival.
I believe you know
these two gentlemen...
from our Z Section.
They will take you to the airport
and accompany you on your trip.
And now...
Get out of here, you fool.
SOLO: Goodbye.
Have a good flight.
Wear a warm coat.
I'd give you a pill, but it
failed to work with me, you see.
[MUTTERING IN EASTERN
EUROPEAN LANGUAGE]
Well, what's the next case?
Uh, heh, I'm the next case.
[ENGLISH SDH]