The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Giuoco Piano Affair - full transcript

NARRATOR: In New York City...

on a street in the East Forties,
there's an ordinary tailor shop.

Or is it ordinary?

We entered through the agents' entrance
and we are now in U.N.C.L.E. headquarters.

That's the United Network
Command for Law and Enforcement.

U.N.C.L.E. is an organization
consisting of agents of all nationalities.

It's involved in maintaining political
and legal order anywhere in the world.

[GARBLED DIALOGUE ON RADIO]

My name is Napoleon Solo.

I'm an enforcement
agent in Section Two here.

That's Operations
and Enforcement.



I am Illya Kuryakin. I am
also an enforcement agent.

Like my friend Napoleon, I go and I
do whatever I am told to by our chief.

Huh? Oh, yes. Alexander Waverly.

Number One in Section One.

In charge of this, our
New York headquarters.

It's from here that I send these
young men on their various missions.

[STATIC ON RADIO]

Hello, are you there?
Yes, of course you are.

Well, so far, so good.

I'm climbing the peak now. It's
still a long way from the house.

If they are who we really think
they are, we're in business.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

There's a helicopter flying around.
Doesn't seem like much of a menace.

Spoke too soon.
They're coming back.



Can't see who's on board.

I'm in trouble.
They're coming at me.

[GUNFIRE]

- Want to go back and pick up a few things?
- No.

Then we'd better head
straight back to Boridqua.

It's a pity.

It was a nice house. We could
have waited very happily there.

There'll be other houses.

And there'll be others just
like him, one step behind us.

SMITH [ON RECORDING]
Yes, this is the old Biella, all right.

It's now called the Hagerel.

A nice name, and it's a marvel what a
can of paint and a good carpenter can do.

This is where he
first got on their trail.

SMITH: It's about 1 1 miles from a
fabulous resort known as Boridqua.

One of the many places we investigated
within a 30-mile radius of the yacht.

Boridqua itself...

is about as far from the rest of
the world as you could want...

and the house is even harder
to get to. Quite inaccessible.

Let's jump to the
end of the tape.

He was a good man,
a bit too sure of himself.

Reminds me of you in some ways.

SMITH: Spoke too soon.
They're coming back.

I'm in trouble. They've seen
me. They're coming at me.

Well...

there it is.

They found his body
on a mountain ledge.

The house was deserted. They
didn't even pick up their clothes.

Now, how far could the yacht get
before his report was followed up?

Precisely the point.

In open water, they'd
have been seen.

Well, there must be a thousand
inlets and coves and harbors...

along that stretch of coast.

Yes. And that yacht has
gone aground in one of them.

Now, the problem is, how
to get them to come out.

I'm not looking for a problem,
Mr. Solo, I'm looking for a solution.

Well, they know me. If I
were to show up in the area...

they'd try and kill me.

- Would that help anything?
- Only Mr. Kuryakin...

who is next in
line for promotion.

What have we got
that they may want?

Anything that they
can take home?

Just to show you where
their home is, of course.

As a matter a fact, we do have
something along those lines.

Something they'd recognize
and undoubtedly try to pick up.

I guess they could
use it as bait to trap me.

- What is this object?
- Not a "what," sir.

Rather, a "who."

And Mr. Kuryakin will have to
use all of his persuasive powers...

to get her for us.

That's a lot of oil.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Excuse me.

- Well, can I come in, or can't I?
- Illya.

A perfect picture of domesticity.
Again, may I come in?

After all this time, what
am I going to say to you?

- Try "hello."
- Hello.

I brought you a present.

The Biella.

But it's burnt. What
happened to it?

Gervaise Ravel, who masterminded
an attempt to conquer half Europe...

and Harold Bufferton,
who financed it.

They disappeared
in the yacht, Biella.

We searched, we found
wreckage in the Caribbean.

- This is part of it.
- So they're dead.

I've had nightmares about
those two. For a long time...

every night, I was frightened
they'd pop up out of the darkness.

There's been a guard
on you ever since.

- Marion. Marion, where's the gin?
- In the milk bottle.

- It's hard to believe they're dead.
- They're not. Excuse me.

They faked the shipwreck for us.

They're very much alive again and
waiting to start again if we give up.

- Only we have no intention of giving up.
- Then why do you...?

Now, wait. You can't be trying to
get me involved with them again.

Well, not really. We just
had a passing thought.

Well, let that thought pass,
buster. You just let it pass.

If you think... If you really think
that after all the things I had to...

That I... I nearly got killed.

- They were exciting days.
- Exciting? Ha!

- Well, I'll be...
- Yes. Yes, I...

- I rather thought you would be.
- Marion.

Marion, there's milk
in the milk bottle.

The one on the bar.

What did you expect me to do? I've
put all that sort of thing behind me.

I mean, I've settled down.
I've got new friends, a new job.

I've forgotten all
about those two people.

But you said you hadn't.

- "Nightmares," you said.
- Don't you remind me of what I said.

Illya, look.

Surely you realize that your kind of
work needs a special sort of operative.

- Someone who knows how to...
- Not really. Not in this case.

You see, we need someone
now who is not quite so efficient.

- Oh?
- Yes. You see, we want her to get caught.

- Bait, sort of.
- You... Ooh!

You... You actually expect to
dangle me in front of their noses...

hoping they'll snap me up? Oh!

Well, I'll be...

Oh, no. No. Not
bait for them, for us.

It's rather complicated, really.

The idea is that they capture you and
then they dangle you in front of our noses.

It's a pretty scheme with overtones
that I can only describe as Machiavellian.

Solo dreamed it up. You
remember Napoleon Solo?

Do I remember Napoleon
Solo? Mr. Kuryakin.

- Out, out, out!
- I'll go.

You don't have to yell.
All right. All right, I'm going.

I told them you wouldn't
go for it. I told them.

You did, did you? How did
you know I wouldn't go for it?

- I was right, wasn't I?
- That's quite immaterial.

You need a special kind of talent
to find a woman like Gervaise Ravel.

Without it, it wouldn't
be a fair match.

Why are men always so impressed
to learn that a cat has claws?

She's a very impressive woman.

In two words: balderdash.

MARION: Balderdash.

It's just a small town and
resort hotel high in the Andes.

Very elaborate, and quite
possibly dangerous also.

Now, most of the local people are Indians.
There's one thing we can be sure of:

That most of them are
working for Bufferton.

He's enormously wealthy, one
of the richest men in the world.

I want you to go into this
thing with your eyes open.

I don't want to pressure you
into anything you may be sorry for.

Your safety is our first and constant
concern, you can be sure of that.

Of course, it's a very delicate
and extremely tricky situation.

And one more thing:

I want you to submit to a minor,
a very minor surgical operation.

- What sort of an operation?
- I don't want to tell you that.

All I can tell you is that is minor
and it will not leave a lasting scar.

And it will add enormously to the
safety precautions we must take for you.

You'll just have to
trust us as we trust you.

- All right, anything you say.
- Good.

We'll take you over to the
doctor. He can start carving you up.

Oh, I do like a man
with a sense of humor.

Good.

We'll leave the
day after tomorrow.

They're gonna start
preparations for the fiesta.

Illya will go ahead tonight and
lay some of the groundwork.

We will see you there, won't we?

Well, I'll see you there.

[PEOPLE CHEERING & LAUGHING]

All right, here.

[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

Gracias.

[BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH]

Could you put my
bag in my room, boy?

Thank you.

MARION: Ah!

Welcome to Boridqua.

Did you have to scare
the wits out of everybody?

I've been over the room. Nothing.
There's nothing in the other room either.

- They took our photograph down there.
- I saw.

Thank you, the
trip was wonderful.

And the seats were very
good and the food was fine.

I'm so glad.

I found a likely silversmith
for you. Alfonso Figueroa.

It's a stall by the
café. You can't miss it.

Good. Let's take a look at this.

This is where I'm hiding. It's
a small cave in the mountains.

We'll have a good cross-reference.
Then when they capture her, I'll move over.

After they capture her, I'll
disappear. Let's not make it too easy.

ILLYA: This is the
road out of town.

They have to take her up here
and then across into the mountains.

Now, suppose they
decide to hide her in town.

Oh, it's not likely.

If they have to make
a quick getaway...

Has it occurred to you that
they might not take her off at all?

They might knock her off,
pretend they're holding her?

It did occur to us,
and we discarded it.

It's not likely. They'll know they
might have to show she's still alive.

I'm sure she'd be highly
delighted to hear that.

I am the target, Marion.
You're merely everybody's bait.

Why don't you go back downstairs?
We'll be down as soon as we can. All right?

I'll give you a half
hour to freshen up.

Then we'll take a walk in the square
and see the preparations for the fiesta.

- Can we buy some of those lovely masks?
- No, I'm afraid not.

We're gonna make sure
everyone recognizes you.

After all, we can't have them
kidnapping the wrong girl, can we?

[PEOPLE CHEERING & LAUGHING]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Something like this, but
a locket for a lock of hair.

In the silversmith's
stall, both of them. Now.

Many years ago, it is for the poison.
Today, for a lock of the lady's hair.

Sixteenth century,
señor. From Spain.

Good.

Thank you.

It's a sub-miniature
transmitter...

activated by changes
in atmospheric pressure.

It sends out a constant signal
so we'll know where you are.

- So small?
- We make them even smaller.

Isn't it rather an
obvious hiding place?

Well, take my word for it.

Sometimes the most
obvious is the most devious.

Shall we?

[WHISTLE]

[GUNSHOT]

- Where did they go?
- They just walked past.

- Where's the chauffeur?
- Not the vaguest idea.

Something went wrong.
Better get the Indians.

- We'll have them take the girl.
- Just watch.

Beautiful photography, señor and
señora. Only 50 cents, American money.

Please, let me
take your picture.

All right, let's have
a picture of you. I've

gotta go back to the
hotel, make a call.

I'll be back in a minute.

Please, couldn't you
be in the picture too?

Well, we'll take one a little
later together, love, all right?

Good. Now, cheese. That's it.

Now, please, señora. If you
will just step back just a little bit?

Very good. Keep going.
That's good. That's good.

You must get in the sun, señora.

Very good. Go back little bit.

Now, señora, give
me a big smile.

Ah!

Well, I found our chauffeur.

- Our late chauffeur.
- Solo?

One minute he was there. The
next, gone. We've got the girl.

Good. Then we'll get Solo soon.

We better have the
Indians take her to Virena.

She is already on
her way up there.

Then let's go.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

I'll need as many good
men as you can let me have.

Whatever you need, señor.

My orders are the fullest
possible cooperation.

Good. Now all we
have to do is wait.

- Drink?
- You're most kind, señor.

- Please sit down.
- Gracias.

My superiors never told me precisely
what crime Señor Bufferton was wanted for.

It's a common enough crime. Our
man put his money to the wrong use.

He financed a very ambitious woman's
dream that could have become a nightmare.

- Madam Ravel?
- Yes.

We took their weapons...

destroyed their headquarters
and wiped out their army.

All they had left was
intelligence and hard cash.

And that was enough
to get them started again.

Sometimes, Señor Solo, I am
grateful that I am a poor man...

when I can see the
evil that money can buy.

Don't worry, we'll get them
this time. With your help.

If I could know a little more
of your intention, señor...?

Well, no, I don't think so.

Bufferton's a very wealthy man.

He's liable to have half this
town in his pocket by now.

If what I'm doing leaks out...

I would prefer to think it was
not your men who were to blame.

You are very tactful
man, Mr. Solo.

- And there's no one following them?
- Nope.

On the road, he could have followed us,
but that's just a goat track down there.

It's too bad, in a way.

If Solo were anywhere around it, it
would save us a great deal for haggling.

[TRACKING SIGNAL BLEEPING]

[TRACKING SIGNAL BLEEPING]

Two-seven-six degrees.
Turning south and still climbing.

SOLO: Give me your reading.

Eighty-seven
degrees. Still climbing.

Map reference: E-17, G-42.

- Check?
- Yes, it's the same.

That looks like the pendant
Figueroa told us he sold them.

It's admirably made.

A transmitter activated by the constant
changes in atmospheric pressure.

Here.

[STATIC NOISE]

[STATIC NOISE]

They've found the transmitter.

Didn't take them long, did it?

If they'd played fair, they would've
told you. You were expendable.

BUFFERTON: Surprised to
see you out in the open like this.

Isn't that rather
risky, old man?

Sit down, Mr. Bufferton.

Thank you.

I wanted to make sure
you'd be able to find me.

- You must be rather fond of that girl.
- We're just one big, happy family.

Gervaise Ravel thinks
Marion is expendable.

You don't share that view?

- Quite the contrary.
- Well.

Then why don't we go over to the
yacht and see if we can change her mind?

Whiskey, please?

Well, you'd better
come along, old man.

Because if you don't,
she's liable to kill her.

That's one of the things
I like about Gervaise.

No inhibitions.

Well, I must say, I would like
to know where that yacht is.

Your self-assurance
borders on the arrogant.

You know, I used to
worry a lot about that...

until I realized it only offended
people such as yourself.

Thank you. Here.

I'm not really the
villain you think I am.

I think, by your standards, that
honor should go to Gervaise.

She likes power, she has
the strength to make use of it...

and I have the
money to buy it for her.

- You didn't do so well the last time.
- Well, perhaps next time.

- Shall we go?
- Unless you wish to give up right now.

That arrogance again.

Here, to keep in
the spirit of things.

No eyeholes. You see?

- No eyeholes, I don't see.
- That's very clever.

Do you mind? Awfully sorry.

Thank you. Bon voyage.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

Down below.

First door on the right.

GERVAISE: The end of the hunt.

You've kept me running
a long time, Mr. Solo.

SOLO: Well, it's
good for your figure.

- May I...?
- Of course.

Would you...?

Of course.

Thank you.

How did you find us?

- Persistence.
- Was it worth it?

Well, you do yourself an
injustice to even question that.

And now, you have
a proposition for me?

I'll assume you'll do anything
to save Marion Raven's life...

and I'm prepared to
give her back to you.

Well, if you're offering a gift,
that's quite generous of you.

If, on the other hand,
you're selling something...

what's the price?

I wanna know what your organization
knows about my movements.

How they're searching.

In other words, I wanna know when and
where I can make some sort of escape.

And if I tell you what
you want to know?

Marion Raven will be released.

Me too?

I'm afraid not, Mr. Solo.

Well, you're very frank.

Well, if I had less regard for your
intelligence, I might lie and say:

"Yes, we'll release
you," but you know better.

Well, I don't believe
you'll release her either.

But there's some
doubt, isn't there?

And for a man like you...

if there's the smallest doubt in your mind,
you have to make the ultimate sacrifice.

No matter how
insignificant the cause.

You're very sure that
I'll do what you want.

Your respect for what you
think is right is your weakness.

Tell me, do you play
chess, Madame Ravel?

Right now? No, I...
I would not like to.

I see.

Fires two bullets.

One should be sufficient.

The Giuoco Piano gambit.

Bishop to bishop four...

tempting the queen to rashly
move out to knight three.

And the queen has
moved out, hasn't she?

But your queen is threatened.
I don't think you'll risk it.

I call your bluff.

Oh, it's no bluff.

My white knight has gone
to the rescue of my queen.

You don't have a white knight.

Perhaps your presumption of
infallibility is your weakness, Gervaise.

We destroyed your
transmitter, you must know that.

Yet you still think you
know where the girl is.

Bufferton calls it
my "arrogance."

Really, a pendant
round her neck?

Yes, it was rather
artless, wasn't it?

You're not an artless man.

Why I don't I just simply
have you killed right here, now?

- All my friends are around us, you know.
- For a very simple reason.

There's an energetic, cooperative
police officer, Lieutenant Manuera.

His men followed me here, and
if I should not come out soon...

Harold Bufferton said that my
choice of a death mask was morbid.

Do you think he's right?

Let's go above deck and see if there
are any signs of your Lieutenant Manuera.

If not, you might just
have to use that little gun.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

You always did give
the wildest parties.

I can call Manuera. Wait
for his men to come onboard.

Or if you'd rather, we can
leave discreetly, all right?

WOMAN: All right.

That's a nice fella.

Not enough brandy in the world
to make this place seem like home.

It's a bit of a comedown,
old girl, isn't it?

- What are you going to do with me?
- Hm?

You must know the
answer to that. It's a pity.

You could have made
some man very happy.

You don't look like a man who'd
commit a murder quite so callously.

Oh, I'm not, really, you know.
Basically, I'm a very nice fellow.

But there have been two
great tragedies in my life.

Tragedy one: I found the biggest
emerald mine in the world...

worth so many millions I've
never even bothered to count them.

Tragedy two: I fell in
love with Gervaise Ravel.

The first calamity made
me impossibly rich...

and the second one made me an
extension of a beautiful woman's will.

That means...

whatever she wants, I want too.

And I suppose you think
she's in love with you too.

That woman isn't
capable of love.

No, no, no. I have no
illusions on that score.

At my age, with
my kind of money...

I have learned a long time
ago that you buy everything.

And you're satisfied with that?

Uh-huh. And for a
very good reason.

You see, perhaps she
really does love me.

How can I be sure?
I'll tell you how.

If she weeps at my grave
when I die, I'll be sure.

Rather late, then, old girl. Hm?

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

MARION: Please.

- Have any trouble here?
- No, why should we?

- Who's he?
- The doctor from Boridqua.

They know where the girl is.
There's one way to account for that.

How can they? We
found the transmitter.

Rather obvious, wasn't it?

I noticed a recent scar on
her arm. Hurry in the cabin.

I should have thought of this.

Do not be afraid,
señorita. Small momento.

- No pain. No pain.
- Let's get on with it.

What about Solo?

GERVAISE: No need to
worry about Mr. Solo anymore.

BUFFERTON: Stay
away from my bird.

Tell me what happened.

Are your men still on board?

No, sir. Just the two of us.

The last of the guests
left a little while ago.

I see. That's the
way it is, huh?

I was told you were the most
responsible man on the force.

- That's why you got the job.
- Oh, but I am.

Indeed I am.

And not the least of my responsibilities
is a large family, Mr. Solo...

but for a little extra money...
For a lot of extra money.

I see.

In 20 years of loyal
police service...

if you only knew how
many bribes I've refused.

Always, I knew that one day...

I'm no longer a poor
policeman, Mr. Solo.

I'm a very rich civilian.

Manuera, you'd
better shoot me now.

When my head clears, you're
not gonna have the chance.

Oh, no, no. I draw the line
at murder. I told them so.

They just want me to make
sure you stay on the boat.

You're a fool, you know that?

They'll leave this country.
You think they'll leave you alive?

By tomorrow, I
will have left too.

They're not going to
let me get away either.

They're not gonna
let this ship be intact.

May contain some
clues for future pursuers.

- You can do better than that, Mr. Solo.
- We gotta get off this yacht, and now.

- Stay where you are.
- This yacht is going to blow up.

This is the only thing that
makes sense. You, me, this ship...

and all the liabilities on
board are gonna go "boom."

Now the guests have left.
How long do you think we have?

- Don't believe you.
- And there probably isn't time to argue.

Come on. I didn't
hit you that hard.

You should see me
when I'm really trying.

I suppose for that,
I should be grateful.

That's right. Also for
my saving your life.

For truly sure.
Gracias. Gracias.

May I turn into a goat for failing
to see that I owe my life to you.

[EXPLOSION]

If you don't mind, Señor
Solo, to shake a cloven hoof.

How...? How you can breathe up
here? There is no oxygen in the air.

GERVAISE: Harold?
BUFFERTON: Yes.

Another one of their
transmitters. It was under her skin.

Well, I thought that was a
technique they reserved for animals.

Migrations and all that.

I said you were rash
to trust your new friends.

You see? Now they've
made a monkey out of you.

We'll take her in the
helicopter with us.

We still need her to
catch a white knight.

A what?

Mr. Solo was not alone. I'm afraid
there's only room for three of us.

You'll have to find
your own way down.

- But señora, a man cannot walk that fast.
- Oh, do shut up.

Harold.

There's a new
experience for you.

To me, Marion! Here, to me.

[GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOT]

Get them!

[GUNSHOTS]

Gervaise.

Oh, no.

[CRYING]

[GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOT]

[MARION GRUNTS]

It's no good. Oh,
we've got to go down.

- I can't breathe. The air's too thin.
- I know.

The Indians are used to it.

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOTS]

- I can make it. Can you?
- I think so.

I'll go first.

No. If you leave, I'll never
make it. You may have to push.

No. I'd rather catch
you than push you.

Please be more careful. You
had me worried for a minute.

- Where to now?
- Just keep running.

That won't hold
Indians for very long.

Come on.

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

You have two
minutes and that's all.

I need a day, a week, a year.

[RADIO BEEPING]

Napoleon, where are you?

SOLO: Behind you. On this ridge.

I'll flash you.

I see you.

- They're after us.
- All right, I've been hearing gunfire.

Go on down. Head
back to Boridqua.

They're not good, but
there are a few of them.

Well, let's see if we can take
care of that on the way down.

By the way, Bufferton is dead.

Well, that's life.

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOT]

Drop your gun and
come forward slowly.

Stand quite still.
Put down your gun.

Put down your gun.

GERVAISE: Manuera, kill them.

The Indians and Madam Ravel,
just coming in to the village.

Good. Wait till
they're closer in.

You'll make captain
yet, Manuera.

There you are, Mr. Solo. Your
friends and your enemies, all together.

Now, if you will join them.

If you will join them, please.

Oh, I see. Well...

Which one of us is to play
the goat this time, Manuera?

You agreed to overlook my
temporary corruption, Mr. Solo.

But I found that my sudden
wealth was too enjoyable to discard.

I joined your enemies again.

You should have realized
I was not to be trusted.

Oh, but I did just that.

[WHISTLES]

SOLO: You see?

I didn't trust you.

Oh, well. The poor are
destined to get poorer.

It's the end of the
game, Gervaise.

Queens, the knights, the
pawns have all made their moves.

Your king is lost.

It's check...

and mate.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

- Hello, everybody.
MAN: Hello, Marion.

Is this a welcome home party?

Well, if it is, it started four
days ago before she left.

Oh, dear. My hair's a mess.

We should have cleaned
up before getting the plane.

But, oh, no. You wouldn't
even stop at the hotel.

They won't know you left.

Oh, my friends, when they have a good time
at a party, they like to keep it going.

For four days?

Sore loser. Well, shall
we join the festivities?

Oh, no, Mr. Napoleon Solo, not
you. You're not gonna meet my friends.

You'll drag them off
and have them killed.

Who me?

Don't stand there looking innocent. You're
a whirling mass of plots and schemes.

And you get Illya
involved too, the poor boy.

Now, just you go away
and leave us alone.

Do you mind if I
have this for the road?

Yes, I do. No,
you can't. Out, out.

- Out, out, out...
- Very well, Marion.

I'm not going anywhere
until somebody fills this up.

Well, I believe
somebody already has.

[ENGLISH SDH]