The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Fiddlesticks Affair - full transcript

SOLO: Look out.
Photoelectric alarm.

Use the bypass beam.

[ALARM RINGING]

Bang. You're dead.

Bang to you too.

You're not only both dead...

but you're both dead with
Mr. Waverly's blessings.

He's been watching you guys
and, uh, he's not exactly happy.

We're not exactly happy either.
We got 45 minutes to get to the plane.

What triggered the alarm?

The sound of your big, fat
knee on the pressurized flooring.



It's a noise-level alarm.

Decibel counter?

Oh.

Well, having been successfully captured
and killed on our own dress rehearsal...

heaven knows the depths that
we shall sink to on the real job.

We must think positively, Illya.

When we have the diagrams on the
plane of the Thrush vault in front of us...

we've got four hours flying
time, we can do our homework.

We should be able to evolve
a masterful and foolproof plan.

Into the valley of
Thrush rode the 600.

[SOLO SIGHS]

There's an old,
abandoned drainpipe...

that leads from the ocean
to the wall of the vault.

But it's mined.



Well, we can use a detector
to get through the minefield...

but they'll all blow up if
we cut through the wall.

The mines have to be
turned off from inside the vault.

So we'll have to go in to
the vault the way he goes in.

That's Anton Korbel.

Manager of the casino
and an officer in, um...

Thrush.

So to follow the path of Mr. Korbel,
we have to recruit some expert help...

there on the Emerald
Isle when we arrive.

Firstly, we shall need a woman.

Well, I tell you, I'll, uh,
improvise something.

My assignment. Senior
officer by two years.

Leaving me to recruit
an electronic expert...

who can ferret out the
alarm and guard systems.

What's the name of that thief who
operates in this part of the Caribbean?

Marcel Rudolph. A wizard
taking out alarm systems.

ILLYA: And a thoroughly reprehensible
and untrustworthy character.

However, Rudolph is mine.

So to our mission.

May we successfully
proceed to the vault...

beneath the gambling casino...

where Thrush keeps its entire treasury
for Western Hemisphere operations.

Where we decimate Thrush's
ability to continue operations...

by destroying the $55
million in their vault.

And may we
live... to tell the tale.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC
PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

Jurgensen, 628.

Yes, Mr. Jurgensen.

- There you are, sir.
- Hm. Thank you.

Oh.

- Young man.
- Yes, sir?

Here is my sample case. It
contains very important samples.

You have a vault, do you not, where
you keep your, uh, ill-gotten gains?

CLERK: We'll tuck it away
in our office safe for you, sir.

Office safe? Ha-ha-ha.

My dear young man.

This case contains some of the
finest jewelry in the Netherlands.

Netherlands? CLERK:
Netherlands, sir.

Absolutely.

It's far too valuable to be tucked
away in some office piggy bank.

- I assure you, sir, it's a very...
- Assure me no assurances. young man.

If you like, my property
can remain at my side.

I'm going back into
the casino for a while.

Please have some
refreshment sent up to my room.

Yes, sir. What kind
would you like, sir?

[EXHALES]

Yes, sir.

[ILLYA CHUCKLES]

Hello, lovely lady.

It's nifty making new friends in
strange places, don't you think?

Ahem. With your permission,
miss. I think it would be rather nifty...

if you took your evening
and your health...

and your breath,
particularly. Elsewhere.

- I beg your pardon.
- Mm-hm. Dismissed.

It's been nifty.

I'm sorry, I guess my intrusion
was no less abrupt than his but...

Oh, goodness, not at all.

I mean, well, thank
you very much.

Oh. Would you care to sit down?

Yeah, I'd care to actually.

I feel rather like the U.S.
Cavalry, you know, quite heroic.

I must say. You
certainly arrived on time.

Never in the history of the American
drama has the U.S. Calvary been late.

- Would you like a drink, please?
- Oh. A Scotch, please.

- And...?
- A cola.

A Scotch and cola, please.
And a Gibson, very dry.

A Scotch and cola,
that's wrong, isn't it?

Well, it's not
wrong. It's just...

I did it again.

Boy, there sure are a lot of
drawbacks to being properly brought up.

Your parents are with you?

They are not. They're
back in Minneapolis.

Worrying.

And well they might.

Do you know that
never once in my life...

have I made even one
horrible, Unforgivable mistake?

And I'm here to rectify that.

A little.

Go on. I'm fascinated.

Oh, fiddlesticks.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[LOCK CLICKING]

Hi, there.

[RUDOLPH GRUNTS]

- You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
- I am.

You looked easy
down in the lobby.

I wonder how you'll
look in my photograph.

- Recognizable, I'm sure.
- Ha-ha-ha.

I'm sure.

Look here.

I realize that I find myself in a
somewhat awkward position.

- Somewhat.
- I certainly hope you don't think...

I certainly do.

You're a thief.

But on my honor. Ha-ha-ha.

Were you truly a
gentleman, Mr. Rudolph...

as I once was...

you'd realize that no man calls upon
his honor so much as he who lacks it.

Rudolph.

How do you know that
name? What is this?

You're a three-time loser,
Mr. Rudolph, and you're also on parole.

The slightest hint of
trouble and, uh, pity.

This attempted
burglary would do nicely.

[RUDOLPH CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- You set me up, didn't you?
- Yes, quite well, I think.

What do you want with me?

Your knowledge of
electronic warning devices.

The kind that protect vaults...

like beneath a gambling
casino, for example.

You're joking.

You are not thinking of
knocking over this place?

Well, we now have a
new technical assistant.

Rudolph? Good, good, good.

Now, just across the inlet
there is the drainage opening.

Have a look at it tomorrow.

Lipstick.

There's no need to ask how
you fared with the young lady.

Especially after that
nauseating performance of mine.

Ah, now. bitterness
is a terrible thing, Illya.

After all, you did make rather a
bad impression on Susan, you know.

Susan is a nice name.

That's so terribly
crude of you, Illya.

I mean, drinking and
carrying on like that.

I was actually rather
embarrassed for you.

Well, I trust the young lady was
suitably captivated by her noble rescuer.

Well, the only thing I can say
is that by tomorrow afternoon...

a very nice young girl from Minneapolis
will probably have joined forces...

and lent her charming services
to a nasty gang of safecrackers.

You're so dashing.

You've been waving yourself around
in front of me like a flag for weeks now.

For the last time,
I'm telling you...

the only thrush I ever heard
of is the one that sings in a tree.

You wanna join a thrush?

Go sit in a tree and wait.

Because I don't know
what you're talking about.

Too bad.

Well.

I won't starve, anyway.

Just found out I
have a very rich uncle.

- What?
- Oh, yes, indeed.

And he's going to be
even richer very soon.

- At your expense, I might add.
- Talk.

They want me to help
them rob your vault.

How many of them?

I've only met one. The young
blond fellow in room 628.

He's not the leader, though.

Killing one wouldn't get
rid of the rest of them.

We've got to know the
identities of all of them.

Especially the leader.

They want you to join them?

Do so.

I fully intended to.

Since they're the only fraternity
around here that seemed to value me.

Don't be a fool, Rudolph.

We're not used to having fools.

In Thrush.

False pretenses, that's all
you are. False pretenses.

SOLO: No, Susan. Now, listen.

The work we're doing is
important, and I do need you.

But believe me, I wouldn't
trick you into anything.

That's not what I meant. I've
always had this great vision...

about slithering through
an intimate rendezvous...

in some Caribbean isle.

Well, here I came. Here you were.
But you don't want me to slither.

- You want me to rob a bank.
- But I told you whose bank and why.

I know, I know, I know. But,
well, I always want to be this...

femme fatale from Minneapolis.

Scotch and cola, that's me.

Well... It, uh, better not be.

Susan, I don't need a
mama's girl from Minneapolis.

I need a vibrant, vital,
exciting. Vivacious woman...

who can pull off a very difficult
and possibly dangerous caper.

Oh, fiddlesticks.

You do?

Well, now, that's different.

What's first?

First, you're going to win a mountain
of money at the dice tables tonight.

Oh, sure.

And when you do,
you're going to take this...

specially treated hundred-dollar bill
and put it in with the money you won.

- What for?
- Well, uh, because the treatment on it...

reacts to vibrations of
certain metals, you see...

and has a curious effect
on this little dial here.

- That's after I win a bucket of money?
- That's right.

Now, there's nothing to that.

You just put a little bit
of this substance here...

into your hand like this...

and then you roll the
dice around in your hand.

- Go ahead. Roll them around.
- Like this?

Now, the
electro-centered particles...

will have a homing in effect on
this little watch here, you see...

like that, which I can
set for any number I want.

Okay, now, I want
you to roll an 11 for me.

You don't believe me. Go ahead.

Come on, 11.

[SUSAN LAUGHING]

CROUPIER: Pay
the line, pay the field.

Fifteen-to-one.
Congratulations, mademoiselle.

Oh, thank you. Just
let it ride, please.

That's $1500, mademoiselle.

I'm afraid it far exceeds
the house limits.

Well, you said you
accepted big bets.

Perhaps if you desire, the
manager will raise the limit for you.

Well, thank you.
That would be nice.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[LAUGHING]

[WHISPERING] Got your message.
- I beg your pardon?

Got your message.

Oh, good. Yes. Well, meet me at
the slot machines in five minutes.

You, uh, want the
limit raised, young lady?

Yes, please. If it's okay.

Certainly.

Any amount the lady wants.

[SUSAN SIGHS]

SUSAN: Oh, come on, 11.

Come on, 11.

[CHEERING, LAUGHING]

That's, uh... That's $22,500.

Oh, I did it. I really did it.

Oh. Could I cash it now?

Certainly. Cash the lady in.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my
goodness, all that money.

Uh, would you keep
it for me, please?

I mean, I'd be son of scared
to carry all that around.

[CROWD CHUCKLES]

If you like.

Oh, and I would appreciate seeing
where it's kept, if you don't mind.

That won't be necessary, miss.

Oh, well, now. It is
an awful lot of money...

and, well, I should
be allowed to see.

Come on, fella. It is her money.

[CROWD MURMURS IN AGREEMENT]

As you wish.

- Thank you and bye.
- Good luck.

Oh, uh, could I touch it? You
know, just sort of hold it for a minute?

Give it to her.

Thank you.

That's a safe?

That conveyer belt goes
directly to the vault room.

There are two large
men there to receive it.

Their sole responsibility is
to take care of your money.

So don't worry about it.

Oh, but" But I would
like to see where it goes.

Impossible. Even I
couldn't go down there now.

Oh, fiddlesticks. You can't
even get into your own vault?

Now, that's ridiculous.

Not with a time lock.

Lady.

[BELL RINGING]

[RINGING STOPS]

We do the job two
nights from now.

That's fine. But I'd
appreciate knowing the plan.

And the people I'm
expected to work with.

I am an artist, not an amateur.

You will be told the procedure
completely tomorrow night.

You'll have a chance to
meet your fellow artists.

And bring along your equipment.

My superiors will
want to check it out.

It's about time.

You can't blow your way into a
vault under a casino full of people.

You've got to have
some diversion.

We'll give you a
diversion. I promise.

[COINS CLATTERING]

Thank you.

Remember the two
guards in the vault room.

Mm-hm. And the
time lock on the vault...

and we know it can only be
opened between 12 and 12:15.

SUSAN: Mm.

[SUSAN GASPS]

It's that drunkard.

How dare you come barging
into somebody else's room?

No, no, this is Illya Kuryakin.

And he's not a drunkard. As a
matter of fact, he doesn't smoke.

And he only offends young
ladies in the line of duty.

Oh, really?

“Na. what have you got?

Aha. All right.

Let's see, here's the casino,
here's Korbel's office...

and here's the vault.

We know that we can get in this
way, but we'd can't get out that way...

because they'd be all over us.

So you are going to
have to provide an exit.

And that exit will be
through the drainpipe here.

I'll use the mine detector.

We still don't know what's in
this area where you're breaking in.

We know it's a sudden deathtrap.

According to our information,
two years ago on December 8th...

the casino purchased 250 square
feet of electro-porous grating.

Electra-porous.

They could have used it to charge
either the floor or the walls in here.

Right. Now, you can't
start drilling into the vault...

until I get into the vault
and deactivate the mines.

I'll be through at 12:02.
You can start drilling at 12:03.

ILLYA: And it you don't get through
this area and into the vault by 12:03...

and I start drilling?

Well, it you touch the wall
before I throw the switch...

I will hear a very loud noise...

and you will be scattered
all over the Caribbean.

Well, a good agent should
be in many places at once.

Would somebody mind
paying some attention to me?

Even you.

Two nights from now. And
you will know exactly when...

because there will be a
diversion created in the casino.

Diversion, huh?

Well, you get me
all their identities...

and there won't be any
U.N.C.L.E. agents left...

to create a diversion
the next night.

Now get out of here.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[BELL RINGING]

[RINGING STOPS]

Mm. With the time
lock on the vault...

it will have to be opened
sometime within the next 15 minutes.

-Now, there it goes. ILLYA: Go.

Remember the hundred
dollar bill, Susan?

SUSAN: Mm-hm.
- Nineteen left.

You mean, we're getting
the combination to the vault?

That's right.

Well, that's so
easy. That's great.

It's a deceptively
easy beginning...

to a frightening
series of hazards.

You said 10:30, it's
after 11. Who's this?

Have you brought
all your equipment?

It's all here. Where are
the rest of your people?

I'm the rest of his people.

Huh?

You're joking.

Do you mean to say
that you, the two of you...?

No. Not the two of us.

The three of us.

And not tomorrow night. Tonight.

That's absurd. We need
preparation, briefing. Are you insane?

I don't think so.
Are you insane?

No. But I'm chilly.

Shall we go along,
Rudolph? You're with me.

No, no, look here. I don't even
know what we're supposed to do.

You're supposed
to follow instructions.

That's all you know on earth and
all you need to know. Come along.

- But...
- Good luck.

CROUPIER: Eight's the point.

Good evening, mademoiselle.

[GLASS SMASHES]

[WHISPERING] Slipped.

Now, look here. What are
you doing? I don't understand.

[WHISPERING]
All right. Let's go.

All right. Sit down.

No, no, on the
floor. On the floor.

[NORMAL VOICE] Rudolph.

Bad. Very bad.

Now, you go sit
behind the chair.

Take that to the
office. Use your key.

And hurry right back.

[DOOR UNLOCKING]

RUDOLPH: Look out.

SOLO: Hold it, Rudolph.

[CHUCKLES]

Over here.

Well, I am glad we
didn't pay you in advance.

This is Thrush, you blockhead.
You will never pull it off.

Well, that's unfortunate for you.
Because you're gonna go in front of me.

And where I step, you
will have stepped first.

And where I die, you
will have died first.

Now, these two, they'll
sleep for only two hours.

Yours will be forever. Now let's
start disarming this door. Shall we?

[TIMER TICKING]

Come on. Snap it up, Rudolph.

[BELL RINGING]

Come on.

- Seven, seven the loser.
- Again?

Chips, please.

Well, what are
you all staring at?

All right.

- Camera.
- Oh, I see.

So that's how the
guards in the vault room...

know when to tum
off the alarm systems.

Right now. They are
laying down on the job.

So we'll have to tum them
off ourselves. Right, Rudolph?

The ground. I am not sure.

An electrostatic field.
We're finished. That's it.

Oh, wait, wait.

Operation Hotfoot.

But can't you see? They
are no wires. What can I do?

Courage, Rudolph. Courage.

I brought some rubber life rafts
to float across the electric floor.

All right, Rudolph.
Push it over the field.

[MINESWEEPER HUMMING]

[BEEPS]

[BEEPS]

[BEEPING]

That idiot Rudolph should
have been back by now...

with the identity of
those U.N.C.L.E. agents.

Watch for him and let
me know immediately.

Oh, my luck
couldn't be this bad.

Mademoiselle, forgive me, but
you are not betting very wisely.

Oh, really? But I seem to recall
betting wisely enough last night.

[SIGHS]

[RUDOLPH SIGHS]

These railings
are wired, all right.

For pressure, not electricity.

Well, then we go down
without touching the railings.

But these stairs are too narrow.

Move.

If I lose my balance,
it won't be my fault.

Well, don't lose you
balance, Rudolph.

Is that an electric eye?

No power hum. It's a dummy.

Oh, it's cold. And
a thermometer...

Interesting problem.

This room has been
specifically acclimated, but why?

The thermometer. Body heat.

What are you talking about?

I think the room reacts.

Not to objects alone, but to
objects of a certain temperature.

In this instance, normal
body heat of 98.6 degrees.

Certainly. That's got
to be it. Good, huh?

Pretty good.

[BEEPING]

What are you going
to do with that?

I hope you're right about this room,
because I'm going to use the C02...

to freeze the thermometer long
enough for us to get through. All right?

Well, I was right. I did it.

Tell me who else could have
deciphered such an arrangement.

You're rooting for the wrong side,
Rudolph. Now, don't get confused.

Uh...

That should be it.

Now, the time lock won't cut us
off until 12:15 so we are all right.

[SOLO SIGHS]

Look.

RUDOLPH: That
must be seven minutes.

Visitor's quarantine.

It gives the hosts a chance
to inspect the guests.

Seven.

We can't wait seven minutes.

- Illya.
- What?

Illya.

Hello, Illya.

Illya. Don't touch the wall.

I can't get through for
seven more minutes.

Whatever that is,
it's useless in here.

These walls are lined with lead.

[SIGHS]

That's enough. That's enough.

Now, what are you
people trying to do to me?

You're horrible. All of you.

Now, just get away from
me, you cheaters and robbers.

- Now, look here...
- I mean it, all of you.

Just stay away from
me, all of you. I mean it.

I haven't got time for this.

Get her out before
she empties the place.

I've gotta be at the vault at 12:15
and I'm missing a couple of guards.

SUSAN: All right, you too.
You just hold it, you stinker.

And you're gonna watch too.

- Watch what?
- I mean it. Just stay right there.

And no fooling around.

[GAS HISSING]

- What time does your friend"?
- Twelve-o-three.

I should have been in the vault
room by then to tum off the switch.

I imagine we'll hear the
explosion, even in here.

Too bad.

He'll die quickly though.

[GAS STOPS]

It's 12:03.

Why haven't we heard it yet?

Maybe he couldn't
make it through.

- I don't know what's with you.
- Oh, of course not.

Nobody ever knows
what's with other people.

I'm telling you something.

I'm getting tired of being
bounced around by people like you.

I'd rather be dead. And
you're gonna watch me do it.

Now, look. No one's trying
to take advantage of you.

You won quite a sum
of money last night.

Why don't you take
it and go home?

We'll refund the
money you lost tonight.

Ah!

That's a lot of fiddlesticks
and you know it.

You sound just like my parents.

They used to say, "Oh, it's all
right. Nothing to be afraid of.“

You're the one that's gonna be
afraid. You're gonna stand right there...

and you're gonna watch me do it.

[SIGHS]

Not yet, Illya.
Not yet. Not yet.

[ALARMS BEEPING]

[ALARM BEEPING]

[SCREAMS]

- Get her into the office.
- Aah! Let me go.

Can't you take a joke?

[ALARMS BEEPING]

You disarmed the mines but
unfortunately not the wall alarms.

I'm sorry, my
friend. The jig is up.

[AIR HISSING]

What's that?

Very clever, young lady.

So you were the diversion, huh?

Oh, go soak your head.

I'm a bit surprised they
got as far as the vault room.

However, every ounce
of breathable air...

is being sucked out
of that room right now.

Nobody gets out.

[AIR HISSING]

The air. They're suffocating us.

Poor Rudolph.

He wanted so badly to join us.

I'm afraid he's flunked out.

All that nonsense last night
just to get into this office.

Now your friends have
unfortunately ruptured their lungs.

You're the only one left...

to tell us all about U.N.C.L.E.

The time lock has
only a minute left.

[RUDOLPH GROANS]

[TIMER TICKING]

Out fast.

All right, Rudolph.

You wait here and take your
chances with Thrush if you like.

No. Heh.

Thank you.

The mines are
marked with lights.

- Please, stay away from them.
- Oh.

Of course, there's
always sodium pentothal...

which is a bit more civilized
than bamboo under the fingernails.

At any rate, let's see what
kind of gremlins we've caught.

-Come along, young
lady. SOLO: No, no.

SUSAN: Napoleon. Finally, you've come.
- Illya, bring our friend in.

KORBEL: But... Well,
who's in the vault?

Just gremlins. Over
there with your boss.

[EXPLOSION IN DISTANCE]

[RUMBLING]

[EXPLOSION NEARBY]

Well, easy come, easy go.

Fifty-live million dollars.

On the deck, everybody, down.

- Why don't you finish the job?
- No, no, no.

I couldn't do that. I want you
around to explain it all to Thrush.

All right, get down on the deck.

Back.

What about me?

Well, he who straddles both
sides of a slippery street...

winds up sitting in the middle.

But" But... They'll kill me.

Not if you run fast enough.

Take care of yourself, Rudolph.

Oh, fiddlesticks.
Haven't I proven myself?

I mean, aren't I just as sneaky and
slimy and rotten as you and Napoleon?

Yes, you are.

You are also
thoroughly depraved.

[SOLO CLEARS THROAT]

You may ignore him, my dear.

You see, he's not
very well-liked anyway.

So tell me about
your wonderful idea.

Well, it's a kind of an
excursion I thought of.

SOLO: Mm-hm?

Perfect for people
of our low moral fiber.

Splendid.

It's Las Vegas.

Those casinos are
filthy with money.

- They've get huge vaults.
- Yes?

[ENGLISH SDH]