The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (1964–1968): Season 1, Episode 15 - The Deadly Decoy Affair - full transcript

Good evening.

Tonight, the United Network
Command for Law and Enforcement...

have an affair involving Thrush.

Now, of course, you
remember Thrush...

that nasty international
band of renegades.

Well, let's just see how nasty
they're going to be tonight, hm?

What's the matter?
We have plenty of time.

Waverly called. He's leaving
for Washington at 8:00...

and he wants us
to see him before.

What's he going
to Washington for?

They're taking a top-security
prisoner down there.



They're taking him by car...

and Waverly's going to follow
in a second car and cover him.

Well, when you get to headquarters,
drive around to the back.

We should be able to catch
Waverly's car at the U.N.C.L.E. garage.

All right, the garage it is.

[BEEPING]

[COUGHING]

[BEEPING]

[GUNFIRE]

ILLYA: Look out!

ILLYA: Clip.

[GUN CLICKS]

Nice timing. Solo.

A provocative beginning
to an ordinary day's work.



"Nice timing," he says?

We haven't even punched in yet.

You've caught a very
big fish, Mr. Waverly.

A veritable whale, Mr. Kuryakin.

Egon Stryker ranks third
in the Thrush command.

The information
he has is priceless.

Yes, but to extract it...

That is not our
concern at the moment.

He has a prior speaking engagement
with the CIA in Washington.

Which I doubt Thrush
will let him keep.

Well, that will be your problem:
to transport Stryker to Washington.

We didn't move him
with force this morning...

since we believe that Thrush
didn't know we had him yet.

Now we shall have to be
a little more imaginative.

Well, they probably
have us bottled up.

It'll take a small
army to get him out.

No, armored car and
escort ought to do it.

At least as far as the airport.

When do we leave, sir?

I leave in an hour.

I'm taking that man
myself, personally.

You may leave whenever you wish.

Use whatever
transportation you think fit.

Send him in, alone.

Sir, I thought that you said we
were to take Stryker to Washington.

Yes, certainly.

Gentlemen, Egon Stryker.

Mr. Stryker, Napoleon
Solo, Illya Kuryakin.

Your escorts to Washington.

Are you complimenting
them or insulting me?

Precise injections of
wax under the skin...

bit of a touchup., of
course, does wonders.

It's an excellent likeness, I grant
you that, Waverly, but still, a decoy?

Hardly what we've
come to expect of you.

Precisely my intention, to
come up with the unexpected.

If you please...

You should pay your
help better, Waverly.

WAVERLY: Well,
gentlemen, any questions?

ILLYA: The answers
seem to be evident.

You will take the decoy to Washington
under heavy security guard...

hoping to lure
Thrush after you...

while we take this man,
the real Stryker, with us.

You'll act like ordinary people and
use the ordinary means of transportation.

I don't think Thrush
is likely to anticipate

anything quite
so... So foolhardy.

-Mr. Solo. SOLO: Hm?

Any questions?

Yes, as a matter of fact,
I do have one question:

Must we deliver him
in perfect condition?

Well, if Thrush is going to try
anything, it'll have to be now.

It'll be whenever my associate
see fit, Mr. Solo, anytime, anywhere.

And I assure you...

not only against my alter ego.

Well, we'll try and make
it a fun game for them.

[STATIC NOISE ON MACHINE]

Two guards on the steps.

Two guards in
front of the truck.

Two more behind.
He's coming out now.

- What about Stryker? Is he limping?
- Yes.

Much?

He's limping.

Stryker throws
away his cigarette.

They're getting into the truck.

His cigarette, which
hand did he hold it in?

The right.

So...

Execute Blue Plan.

[POLICE SIRENS WAILING]

They're leaving now.

Watch them.

WAVERLY: Up on the sidewalk.
That's acid, it'll burn the tires.

[POLICE SIRENS WAILING]

They got through.

Watch the receiver.

What about the alternate
plan, shouldn't we begin?

There's time.

Watch U.N.C.L.E.
just a little longer.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yes?

Oh.

Yeah, very good.

Well, all right, we're leaving.

There was an attempt on the
truck about a block away. It failed.

STRYKER: Very shoddy work.

Lapels should never be
pressed, only rolled gently.

All right, they've taken the
bait, Stryker. Shall we go?

Stryker.

Be a good boy, please.

[MACHINE BLEEPING]

I can't see his face...

but he has the same
build and walks with a limp.

Do you think this is
the decoy or the other?

I think that
Mr. Waverly has made...

one of his rare mistakes.

Decoy is in the armored truck.

Execute Yellow Plan.

[IN ITALIAN ACCENT] What's the
matter? You no like the guy in the front?

Hey, his cab was the wrong
color. Pennsylvania Station, please.

Some people...

We got two ways to get
there: slow and slower.

Which way you want?

Your way.

Mamma mia. You
stupid pedestrians.

They walk in the gutters
like there's no sidewalks.

They're begging you to hit them.

Hey, you mind, you roll
up your window, huh?

- Yeah, I mind very much.
- Hey!

Just keep your hands on the
wheel, turn the corner and pull over.

ILLYA: I'm sure you concur.

SOLO: Charge whatever
is on the meter to Thrush.

You're a mind
reader too, Mr. Solo.

No, but I can
read registrations.

And an Italian accent doesn't go
with the name of O'Brien, huh? Yeah.

Move it out.

Come on.

Good afternoon,
messieurs, may I help you?

Yes. Yes, you can. We'd like to
see something in the way of gowns.

I only show by appointment.

I am Kuryakin of Paris.
These are my associates.

Your establishment has
been highly recommended.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

FLEUR: Oh., in this
case, I'll be just a moment.

-Make yourselves comfortable,
messieurs. STRYKER: Thank you.

This is really
most entertaining.

The best part of the show
is the magic act coming up.

I'm sure there's a
back way out. Come on.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Dead end.

-It just as lethal this
way. SOLO: Damn it.

Do you have cuffs, lllya?

- Yeah.
- All right, you better hook us up.

The window.

Give me your key.

Where he goes, I go.

Really, Solo, dismemberment
is most distasteful.

Well, as the saying goes,
"I'd give my arm for you."

- Over there.
- No, I just have my model...

Messieurs, s'il vous plait.
But these are dressing rooms.

-No men are allowed. NARUM:
Stay out of the way, madam.

SOLO: Hurry up, lllya.

ILLYA: All right, all right.

Please. You're
upsetting my models.

- Be quiet, madam.
- These are dressing rooms.

No men are allowed.

Al right.

STRYKER: More
and more entertaining.

ILLYA: You were the one
who threw away the key.

Yes, I'm sure that you
have a great deal to say...

but keep your voice down,
all right? FRAN: Mm-hm.

I'm awfully sorry.

I didn't mean to do
anything wrong, really.

I think you got the wrong idea.
I wasn't gonna steal this outfit.

I was just trying it on to
see what it looked like.

- Very enchanting, my dear.
- Oh, well, thank you.

I'd love to buy it,
but on my salary...

Why were you hiding back there?

Well, I was just putting on
the dress when you came in...

and, well, you understand that.

Napoleon, we're wasting time.

You've got to believe me.

- I wasn't going to steal anything.
- I believe you. yes.

- Oh, well, then I'm not under arrest, huh?
- No, no, not at all. No.

- That's a load off my mind.
- There's a way out here.

All right. Miss... What...?

- Fran Parsons.
- Over to the window, please.

What for? Aren't you
gonna take these off?

There's no time to explain now.

They will make her conspicuous,
to say nothing of that dress...

Well, we don't have any
time. You first, Stryker.

Wait a minute, where
are you taking me?

- To Washington.
- Oh.

But I'm on my lunch hour.

This is Narum.

Torelli let them get away.

Kill him.

He did manage to find out
they'd gone to Penn Station.

They must be taking
the train to Washington.

Make the necessary
arrangements. Kill him anyway.

[TRAIN HORN TOOTING]

So I decided a long time ago, it was
simply because I was born under a bad sign.

Virgo in the wrong
quadrant with Pisces.

Well, that's not exactly it,
but it's something like that.

But it's never failed.

Every time I start to do
anything, something goes wrong.

Even if I don't
do anything at all.

There's always some
kind of catastrophe.

I'd hardly call this a
catastrophe, Miss Parsons.

Oh, well, I didn't
mean it personally.

But take this for instance:

I've always wanted
to go to Washington.

I've never been to Washington.

This is how it happens.

STRYKER: Of course,
it's very, very unfortunate.

But I trust that you'll forgive us
and let us make it up to you later.

Right, Solo?

That's right, Stryker.
I'll take care of it.

Personally.

Oh, it's not as bad as all that.

But I don't know much about the
police, but you are being gentlemen.

You are, aren't you?

Well, I've been called many
things, but always a gentleman.

But you are the police
or the FBI or whatever.

Everything
happened so fast, I...

As a citizen, I do have the
right to see your identification.

Well, uh... I'm a
prisoner. Ask him.

- Oh...
- Oh, excuse me.

"United Network Command
for Law and Enforcement.”

It's otherwise
known as U.N.C.L.E.

And he's your prisoner?

An international
criminal. A dangerous spy.

[FRAN LAUGHS]

Didn't I tell you?

It could only happen to me.

- Station?
- No, we're out in the middle of nowhere.

All right, just
sit back, Stryker.

Why are we stopping?
Is there trouble?

No. They're repairing the roadbed up
ahead. Cut a couple of tracks temporarily.

We have to wait
for the northbound.

- You're not kidding, are you?
- I told you I was a very dangerous spy.

I have to go back to my
mommy now. Thanks for lollipop.

Wait. Sonny, wait.

Excuse me, please. Let
me go through, please.

What's the matter? Don't
you enjoy my company?

I'll call the conductor.

Yes, why don't you?

Napoleon, the suitcase.

All right, watch them, lllya.

SOLO: Everybody, down!

[GUNSHOTS]

We'd better get
Stryker off the train.

- We can handle those two.
- Can't handle their sleeping gas.

- Go, I'll cover you.
- Go on out, Stryker.

- You're endangering this girl's life.
- She's not gonna be safer with them.

Cover fire, lllya.

[GUNSHOTS]

SOLO: Come on!

[GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOTS]

- Are you hurt?
- No, but look at my shoe.

Don't worry. I'll open a charge
account for you at Madame Fleur.

What about my
stockings? They're mine.

Send Mr. Solo the bill, Miss
Parsons. His uncle is a very rich man.

Well, it's a long way
to Washington, isn't it?

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Oh, I trust you don't intend to
walk all the way to Washington.

Far enough to cover our trail.

Your Thrush seems to have
some uncanny way of finding us.

Hold it. Come on.

[CAR PASSES]

You're a very
nervous man, Mr. Solo.

All I did was use my
lunch hour to try on a dress.

I could have tried on a
hat, shoes. I need a purse.

I could even have had lunch.

[FRAN LAUGHS]

Oh, no, but this
has to happen to me.

Listen, you'll look back on this as a
very stimulating and amusing experience.

Very.

Particularly the
part on the train.

I loved all the dead bodies.

Just asleep temporarily.
It was narco-vapor.

Oh!

Oh, you're carrying this too
far, Solo. She's exhausted.

The least you could do
is stop one of those cars.

Maybe we could
get a ride anyway.

Oh, I'm sure we could.

This area is probably
crawling with your men.

Maybe we could stop
over there for a while.

You know, take a little rest.

- I'm only thinking of Miss Parsons.
- Yes, I'm sure you are.

No, altruism has never been one
of the outstanding traits of Thrush.

- Can you make it to that house?
- If it means I can collapse.

Only long enough
to make a phone call.

Hope you have lots to say.

One more thing. Not a
word from either one of you.

I'll make all the explanations
that are necessary.

Be interesting to see
how you get around these.

Just keep holding hands and
keep them out of the sight. Agreed?

Or would you prefer
to continue walking?

I'm with you.

Oh, and so are you.

We are content
with our way of life.

In your view, simple maybe.
"Strange," you may call us.

But we do not uphold
with modern conveniences.

Telephones and the like we are
thinking unnecessary complications.

I'm inclined to agree
with you, Mr. Thyssen.

But in this case, a telephone
would have been rather nice...

with our car broken
down and all that.

THYSSEN: More milk now?

No, no, really, that's very kind
of you. We must be going now.

Nonsense. It's too late already.

And this poor lamb, now. How do
you think she can go any farther yet?

The back bedroom is
ready. You can take her up.

- That's very nice of you, Mrs. Thyssen...
- We've imposed on you long enough.

- Thank you.
- Oh, fiddlesticks.

Mrs. Thyssen, an unseemly
suggestion you might be making now.

For really, Mr. Thyssen. Unseemly
you make it maybe. Look at them.

Since all evening, still,
they've been holding hands.

Not once did they let go even.

Who else but man and
wife could be so loving yet?

Well, Solo.

Yes, as I said, that's very
kind of Mrs. Thyssen, but...

[AIRPLANE FLYING OVERHEAD]

Excuse me.

Something is wrong?

We're about 11 miles
from the railroad tracks now.

There's a state highway
directly to the south...

and a large farmhouse
directly ahead.

Hold this course.

You have many planes
in this part of the country?

Once in a while.

An airfield we have,
maybe 20 miles over.

A small one still.

Mrs. Thyssen, we accept.

I'm sure you'd want these lovely people
to spend their wedding night in seclusion.

Oh, wedding night.

Mr. Thyssen, I told you.

I'm sure you agree.
Way out here...

our friends wouldn't be able
to annoy us, would they? Hm?

Up to you.

-Dear? FRAN: Hm?

- Wake up, sweetheart.
- Okay.

Go along now.
Your room is ready.

- Say good night, darling.
- Good night, darling.

- Good night?
- Good night.

-What is going on here? Why...?
STRYKER: Come along. Come on.

The back bedroom,
the last door by the left.

No wonder she's so wondrously
dressed. Today they were married, yeah?

Yes, joined this afternoon,
as a matter of fact.

Bless them.

- The sofa, I hope you find comfortable.
- Thank you for your trouble, yes.

You're welcome.

- Come, Mr. Thyssen, late it's getting.
- Yeah.

- Sleep well, Mr. Solo.
- Same to you, Mr. Thyssen.

Same to you. Good night.

Ooh!

[GROANING]

Ya, ya, ya, ya. Och.

Narum?

Small country road and a farm.

[MACHINE BLEEPING]

They're somewhere below us.

This blasted static is
ruining our reception.

[STATIC NOISE ON MACHINE]

Tell the pilot to circle
away to the east.

Just a minute, Mr. Stryker.

I've been a good sport
about this whole thing...

but a girl has to draw
the line some place.

Miss Parsons, I don't
have time to argue...

and I don't have any time
for anything else, either.

Very ungentlemanly
of you, Mr. Solo...

interrupting a couple
on their wedding night.

Just wanted to bring you a
little present. Sit there, please.

Be so kind to occupy this seat.

Thank you.

And the present is... a divorce.

You can't be serious, Solo.

You're not going all the
way to Washington in this.

Well, it's the best
Mr. Thyssen could do.

He doesn't believe in
modern conveniences.

Feels they're
unnecessary complications.

Oh, well, it sure beats
walking and it's a lot more fun.

I'm a city girl. I've never
been in a carriage before.

I must say, you're a
lot brighter this morning.

My feet don't hurt.

You should have stayed
at the farmhouse, my dear.

What, a groom leave his bride
the morning after the wedding?

Somehow, I don't think the
Thyssens would have understood.

[FRAN LAUGHS]

[MACHINE BLEEPING]

Well, Thrush is
nothing if not persistent.

[MACHINE BLEEPING]

They must have a
homing device on you.

That's why we haven't
been able to shake them.

I knew I should've had you stripped
and searched before we left New York.

I assure you, Waverly did.

[MACHINE BLEEPING]

They're turning
this way, Mr. Solo.

SOLO: Whoa.

[MACHINE BLEEPING]

They didn't see us.

Well, I wouldn't count on it.

Move it out, Stryker. Come on.

Sorry, but you've made
things a bit difficult for me.

[STATIC NOISE ON THE MACHINE]

They're coming back.

Well, you can relax, Stryker.

The United States
Marine Corps to the rescue.

All right, now, you let
me do the talking, miss.

And you sit back and shut up.

What's wrong?
They're the police.

They may have a tendency to
arrest first and ask questions later...

once they spot the remnants
of those cuffs on your wrists.

- Good morning.
- What are you doing here?

Well, we just stopped
for a few minutes.

To give our horse a rest.

Let's see some identification.

Yes, of course.

There you are.

Ugh!

No, no. Not yet.

Mr. Solo has been showing
me a most entertaining time...

and I'd like to return
the compliment.

[GROANING]

Welcome back, Mr. Solo.

And my compliments
on your iron constitution.

Previous victims have never
recovered in less than an hour.

You've cut that time in a half.

We'll have to give you a
stronger dose next time.

[INDISTINCT SPEECH
COMING OVER RADIO]

- Next time?
- Of course.

U.N.C.L.E. kept me alive
for my informative value.

Thrush intends to
do the same with you.

What about Miss Parsons?

It's been a most delightful
association I assure you...

but I'm afraid that she knows
too much. She's seen too much.

Oh, don't worry about that. I can be
very stupid and I have a terrible memory.

I'm sorry, dear. You should
have stayed at the farmhouse.

Mr. Stryker, I've just
spoken to Mr. Frame.

The plane will be waiting for you
at the local airfield in 30 minutes.

STRYKER: It's only 10
miles away. We have time.

He wants you there as
quickly as possible, sir.

That signal on your
sender is getting weak.

STRYKER: To be expected. It
wasn't supposed to last this long.

You were on the
right track, Solo.

You see, Solo...

when Waverly had me searched,
he neglected to include my mouth.

Ah, yes.

- As the saying goes,
"All that glitters isn't..."

- There's another saying:

- "He who laughs..."

- "Simply laughs,"
Solo. Otherwise, he'd cry.

What about Waverly
and the decoy? Any word?

They didn't take the
plane to Washington.

That was another one of
their little tricks to throw us off.

They're still in
that armored car.

STRYKER: Are we keeping up the pressure
to make them believe we'd been fooled?

COP: Yes, sir. And we still have
men covering the destination.

You see? We're
very thorough, Solo.

We know everything
that you do, or try to.

Well, life without any
surprises must be rather dull.

Sir, it's getting late.

- Take him to the car.
- And the girl?

She'll go as far as the airport.

If you please, Miss Parsons.

Let's not spoil our last
few moments together.

As I recall, we were on
our way to Washington.

-Up. FRAN: Get off of me.

I don't mean to be impolite, Miss
Parsons, but this is where we part company.

If you don't mind,
I'd just as soon stay.

No, I think I've caused
you enough trouble already.

What I want you to do is
check in to that hotel there...

pick out the best suite you can,
then call the finest shop in town...

and get yourself
outfitted from head to toe.

Who will pay for it?

Well, as Mr. Stryker said,
I have a very rich uncle.

- Well, it would be a shame to waste it.
- Oh, it won't.

As a matter of fact, at 9:00, I want you
to come down to the cocktail lounge...

get the table in the corner,
order some martinis...

well-chilled and very, very dry.

How many?

I'd say two to start with. And
get a twist of lemon for me.

You have yourself
a date, Mr. Solo.

You'd better keep it.

That goes double for you.

Too bad you can't
join us, Mr. Stryker.

Who knows. And just
in case, I prefer an olive.

All right, I will see you
later, Miss Parsons.

- Right. And make it Fran, huh?
- All right.

A very charming girl. I'll have to look
her up when I get back to New York.

- Mm-hm.
- What are you doing with that?

Well, I just wanted to see
how much iron you had...

- in your constitution.
- Wait.

You said that Thrush had our
destination covered, so he's our password.

You fool. You...

[CHUCKLES]

Hello.

Yes. I'm calling from the
corner of 4th and Wilson.

I've got a very
sick man over here.

Oh, he's in wretched
condition, you should see him.

Send an ambulance right away.

All right, fine. Thank you.

Goodbye.

Take him to the desk.
There's a room waiting for him.

-Miss. NURSE: Yes?

There's reservation for a room.

I believe it was made yesterday
for a Mr. Smith by his uncle.

Sorry, we don't admit
patients at this entrance.

-You'll have to go to the
admissions. DOCTOR: Nurse.

Just a moment, I've been
expecting this patient.

His cousin referred him to me.

His second cousin?

Right.

But I didn't expect him in this
condition. What happened?

A sudden attack.

Understandable.

My colleagues are
waiting for a consultation.

We'll get him up to
his room right away.

Orderly, take this
patient to 1432.

I understood the
room was to be 710.

There was a fire
in 710. Incendiary.

He'll take over now.

My orders were to
deliver him personally.

Your orders have been changed.

Since this morning,
everything has changed.

We shouldn't have allowed you to
bring him, but no way to contact you.

Well, Mr. Waverly
should have told me that.

We have not heard from
Mr. Waverly since last night.

Now, you stop wasting time.

There are Thrush agents
all over the hospital.

No, they're with us.

Now, will you please cooperate?

Al right.

Well, congratulations. I would
say that you beat my record.

- Solo...
- Just relax now.

- I'll give your regards to Miss Parsons.
- No. No.

SOLO: lllya.
- Shh.

Ah!

WAVERLY: Solo, did
you get Stryker here?

Yes, like a prize idiot I
let them take him upstairs.

- Sorry about leaving you.
- That's all right.

As you said, I could handle those
two. But understand one thing...

you didn't turn Stryker over to them.
We were the ones that had the decoy.

The man we were escorting is an U.N.C.L.E.
agent whose name is Paul Westcott.

And he's the one
that's up there now.

Well, that makes it even worse.
They're heading for the basement.

Come on. Let's find a stairway.

- Here he is, sir.
- Very good.

My congratulations on
your escape, Mr. Stryker.

You were the one
who made it possible.

Are you feeling all right?

A few aftereffects,
nothing serious.

- We better hurry, sir.
- Yes.

- The ambulance is waiting.
- By the elevator.

Oh, my case.

Mr. Stryker, would
you be so good?

Of course.

Narum, which hand did he use?

Why, the right.

Kill him.

[GUNSHOT]

Come on. Get over
against the wall.

- Are you all right?
- Of course.

But next time
I'd appreciate it...

if you didn't cut
it quite so fine.

You looking for
somebody, Mr. Stryker?

Excuse me. Mr. Westcott.

Why, yes, a certain delightful young
lady. She promised me a martini.

As I recall, I made
the engagement.

A mere technicality.
Why not let her choose?

You can drop the pose now.

- Pose?
- Mm-hm. I mean, it was a good act.

You convinced everybody
you were Stryker.

And it was easier for lllya
and I by not knowing the truth.

However, to put it bluntly, I wish
you would stop acting obnoxious.

Stop? Well, Solo, I could
no more stop breathing.

WESTCOTT: You got my
message, Miss Parsons?

- Yes, and I was very happy to get it.
- And you remembered our date?

Well, yes.

Well, there comes a time
in every young lady's life...

when she must make a decision.

Don't be silly. I'll never
get another chance like this.

Two martinis, well-chilled,
extra dry, one with an olive.

I'm sticking to ginger ale.

It'll be safer.

[ENGLISH SDH]