The Magicians (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Mountain of Ghosts - full transcript

Eliot and Alice go for a hike. Fen gets a haircut.

Previously on "The Magicians"...

I will save the people
of Fillory.

The people would decide

to make this dark wizard
their king,

the Dark King.

So you built a golem
out of living clay,

and then you animated
the whole thing

with his essence?

No, it's just a tiny grain
of Q's soul

that I pulled
from the Underworld.

Put back the piece of Q's
essence that you stole

and let him be at rest.

Good-bye, Quentin.

Some surges come and go

and hardly anyone notices.

And sometimes
it's a catastrophe.

Is there any way
to predict them?

Look, I need help
with a metamath problem.

My dad had a friend

with a really rare discipline,

predicting circumstances.

She wrote this.

- Wait.
- I recognize these.

Put 'em on a letter,

address it to whoever, wherever,

whenever, and it gets to them.

Because I want you to be safe.

I want you to be safe.

- Are you saying that you...
- No, I'm just...

we've tried the whole
"saving each other" thing

with mixed results.


Sure, but I...

And I've been thinking
about what works best,

and I think... no, I know...

that we're best when we're
a team and we work together,

you and me.

If nothing else,
I like the sound of it.



Oh, shit.

- Whoo, yeah!
- There she is!

- Champagne for our girl!
- Whoo!

High King Margo,
a thousand huzzahs!

- Go, Bambi.
- Um, why?

We wanted to honor you,

so when Julia sent us the bunny

saying that they put
the clock in here,

we asked them to stock up
on celebratory beverages.

- Stay on mission.
- We're going back.

- Copy.
- Give me 30.

We'll have cookies
to help brainstorm

how you're gonna overthrow
the Dark King.

Well, your subjects
are rightly grateful.

For sending that letter?

A.K.A. that thing
I totally didn't do.

You did.

Why split a hair?

Let them bake cookies.

- Lie cookies?
- It's not a lie.

You saved them through me,
your advisor,

acting on your behalf.

Nice retcon.

Then as a wise king once said,

ovary up.

Let your subjects be inspired

by a simple,
uncomplicated story.

That's what the people want.

Would you excuse me?

Where are you going,
and why are you dressed

like a goth survivalist?

Fillory, just quick.

- What you got there?
- Nothing.

I did a thing.
This is a by-product.

I just have to take care of it.

Alice, do you need help?

You seem a little bit

I'm fine.

I just have to do it alone.

- Okay, great.
- What was the spell?

I made a golem, okay?

You've done it before.
It's not a big deal.

A golem of who?

Can we... can we not
be dramatic about this?

I used his book
from the Library.

- Quentin's?
- But I was out of my mind,

and I didn't think that
this would just stay here

when I buried the golem
and not be released.

It's Essence.

It's a tiny piece of his soul.

I'm sorry, you pulled

an actual piece
of Quentin's soul

out of his... that is insane.

What if it's...
Keeping him from resting?

Well, is it?

I just need to get
to the top of this mountain

and throw it in.

The Mountain of Ghosts

that Rupert Chatwin
was looking for

before the band of aggressive

talking squirrels kidnapped him?

I'm finally reading the books.

Margo has been
on my ass about it.

Anyway, is that it?

The one with the hole
at the top that goes...

All the way down
to the Underworld?

- Yes.
- Well, this is too important.

- I'm helping.
- I don't need your help.

Well, you're getting it.


Head hurt from the patch?

Uh, it beats the noise.

Burning through them, though,

so looking
for some real answers.

None of these books is for shit.

Requested some from the Library
but not getting the sense

they're gonna be that speedy.

So, while you're waiting...

God, that...
always a great idea,

but I really do have a headache.

No, I need a ride.


I've been thinking,
we should tell her.

Look, can we just concentrate
one thing at a time, please?

Let's just get her back
on the throne, huh?

Yeah, well,
with those banishment brands,

good luck getting her
in the kingdom,

never mind the castle.

Oh, shit.

What month is it in Fillory?

Is it spring yet?

Yellow Ferret Month, yes.

Have you ever seen the movie
"The Dirty Dozen"?

Not the porn one.

No, and I have a life,
so summarize.

Uh, not important.

Point is, it inspired me
to do this thing

when the Taker attacks
were just starting.

We needed better guards,

so I created
an annual tournament.

First week of the month
of the Yellow Ferret

to find the 12 greatest
fighters in the land

to become our elite
Centurion Guard.

- Pretty cool name, right?
- Yeah.

Anyway, we offered fame, glory,

and instant wipe-clean
of your criminal record,

including... uh-huh...
banishment marks.

And if they still hold
the tournament,

it would be going on now,
as we speak.

We should check on that, no?

It's Living Stone, I think.


"Beware Takers."

"Beyond The Wall
Adventure Tours,

500 feet that way."

Fill 'em.

Rocks, lots of dust.

That'll be heavy.

Burns Takers.

They come at night.

We'll make a circle to camp in.

Or, hey, travel light
if you want to die.

- So... Takers.
- What exactly are they?

You really don't know?


Umber's tit.

Don't tell me you're grievers.

What's wrong with that?

You're not prepared
for the mountain.

You can't run fast because
you've been sitting around

eating cake and crying.

Okay, I can grieve
and handle a little cardio,

thank you very much.

- Yeah, we're Magicians.
- We'll be fine.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

You're planning to throw
something in at the top,

keep it safe.

Takers don't just take people.

They know what thing you value
and swipe it.


This zips.

It's the safest thing we've got.

Alice, please let me take it.


Well, this stopped being fun.

Yeah, well, you wanted to come.

- Sure did.
- And it's awful.

Yeah, well, it's meant to be.

But maybe you don't feel
that way because

it's not your pilgrimage.

What's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing.
- Can we please not bicker?

- Sure.
- Let's not bicker.

What did you mean by
not my pilgrimage?

I mean I'm here putting
my boyfriend to rest,

and you tagged along.


Because I barely knew him.

You know what I mean.

You're here out of some sort
of combination of thinking

I'm incompetent and your guilt
that he died saving you.

You know what?

You are way too smart
for me to ascribe

what just you said
to total stupidity,

so I'm gonna go ahead
and I'm gonna file it

under you must be fucking
joking right now.

No, I'm not!

This is hard enough
without you judging me

every step of the way.

Is that how you don't bicker?

'Cause that would explain a lot

about how you and Q
kept falling apart,

beyond the obvious, of course.

- The obvious?
- Yeah.

What, like drunk threesomes
with you and Margo?

Oh, hmm, solid point,
but I was thinking more

that one time where
you betrayed all of us,

I ended up possessed, and Q died

cleaning up the mess.

And time for Yan
to roll a smoke.

That was a little harsh.

And correct.

But not right because
you also saved my life.


Trying to fix the mess I made.

Here we are again.

So let's just finish this, okay?

Yan, let's go.

Finished with your feelings?



Alice, no.
Don't go that way.

Good luck,
and enjoy the tournament.


I am Bick of the esteemed
House Pickwick.

- Who is entering?
- Me.

- Your name?
- Janet.

- Janet.
- Pluchinsky.

- Weapon of choice?
- Me.

But also, I like axes.


You are registered.

I'm entering too.

I just want to.

My name's Fen... cicle.

Wahl... burger.

- Weapon of choice?
- Knives.

I choose to use
my Childsplay knives,

the kind of knives they give
to very young children.


You had some kind of childhood.


Okay, so I found you this.

Fuck my life.

Or I can get you something else.

I just tried to do Singh's

Advanced Skin Hardening twice,

and touch me.

Smooth and perfect,

and I'm getting eaten alive

by whimsical goddamn
Fillorian bugs.


Um, you know what?

You just keep practicing
that shield casting,

and I'm, uh, gonna go
check on something real quick.

Do we even have an appointment?

What do you think?

What the hell just happened?

Where are we?

- Um, excuse me.
- Is this PK Endeavors?

- I have an appointment.
- These two look confused.

Hi. Zoe Markus.
I run the joint.

- Julia Wicker.
- We E-mailed.

Hey, why does
this place look exactly

like the Physical Kids' cottage?

You went to Brakebills?

I'm a professor at Brakebills.


Best years of my life.


I did a study.

Most Magicians
cast 23% more accurately

when they've been drinking.

God, we're fucked.

So what can I help you with?

Stocks, you said?

I did say that.

Uh, we were hoping to talk
to your sister Daniella.

How come?

Well, um, to start,

you know how magic
was regulated?

Until it wasn't, thank God.

Well, we stopped that,
and a lot worse.

A friend of ours did,

but there were side effects.

Like the surges, which are...

Getting stronger.

We're concerned we're heading
towards a major event.

And you need...

Daniella to predict

when it's going to happen.

We'll pay what we can.

Zoe, you and your sister would
be helping to save the world.

- I'd love to help...
- Great.

But unfortunately,
I must decline.

Please, stay as long
as you like.



- Shit.
- It's okay.

We'll figure something out.
Come on.

Okay, so I got some
kinda bad news.

Fillory has two moons,
and if either is full,

then wolf time.

So one of them's full soon?

Both are tomorrow night,

which is why your wolf PMS
is acting so bad right now.

I'm about to be
a double werewolf?

It's okay because
there are still cages.

I checked, so it's totally fine.

- It's not fine.
- You're doing great.

No, the skin-hardening spell
I keep trying to cast

so I don't get flayed alive
only stuck to the left half

of my body, and also...

I want to murder everything.

Oh, uh, more than usual?

Yes, in fact.

Well, maybe just some
deep breaths, and you know,

you got this, so...
Fuck breathing.

I'm too annoyed to breathe.


But I like you anyway.

Thanks for the cheerleading,
wolf boy.

Uh, of course.

That's fine.

The air's so thin up here,
I think I'm hallucinating.

We're gonna need to rest
before we go again.

I just wanna pin
the circle in place.


Hey, Eliot.

Okay, just...


- Eliot, Taker!
- Back up!

Q's vial, you set it down.

- Fuck!
- Just stay in the circle.

Eliot, no!


- You all right?
- Uh...

I'm really glad
I took the north trail.

Pretty sure I'm gladder.

Who needs a drink?

Sorry, are you still...

- Oh, yeah, no.
- We're just about done here.

Hold on.

Any luck?

Yeah, Zoe definitely
went here in the '90s,

but her professors
don't seem to remember her.

She did a lot of field work
in Poland, I guess.

Zoe Markus?

Yeah, do you know her?

Well, she was my lab partner.

Oh, my God, we dropped
so much acid together.

We went to visit her work.

She's a big financial advisor.



I mean, she was really
not into money at all

when I knew her and her sisters.


- More than one?
- Yeah.

Beth, Zoe, and Dani who...
no offense... is a little weird.

Rumor has it that they averted
apocalypse in senior year.

They're good.

Janet of House Pluchinsky,

versus Faun of House
Kaiko Swordmasters.


Fencicle of House Wahlburger.





We've been wasting her, right?

This is, like,
spy movie perfect.

You're both in the dirty dozen,

and I'm the guy on the outside.

Victors, please
approach the dais.


what is your persuasion?

I mostly date humans.

Are you a female?

And you, Janet?


There can, of course,
only be one female Centurion.

And act three twist.

For all the obvious reasons.

Um, not obvious to me.

- I know, dear.
- That's one of the reasons.

You spar by the light

of the glorious double
full moon tomorrow night.

- Tomorrow night?
- That's no good.

- I've got plans.
- Me too.

I mean...

Oh, gravest apologies,
but the schedule...


I have a sexually
transmitted curse.

Sun goes down tomorrow,
I go wolf.

- This guy goes wolf.
- Hi.

Ember's balls.

And her, too, for some reason.

That what you want here?

Sure to be entertaining.

Probably be everyone
in here's last show.

- Reschedule the mimes.
- Yes, sir.

Your match will occur

in the hour before
sundown tomorrow.

Margo, Josh and I only...
six or seven or...

it was less than a dozen times,
give or take,

and we would have never,
ever done it if we had known...

Excuse me.

I need to sharpen my axe.

Well, please say something
nice at my funeral.

So, Loria.

I was making ends meet
selling rare objects.

Of course, when I got there,
I mostly drank.

I think this story's
making me sound much less

mentally well-composed
than I actually am.

We are literally camping
on the Sadderhorn.

Anyway, I was at the border
when I saw my first Taker.

That thing you did...

I tried to throw something
at one earlier, and nothing.

Well, most things don't work.

Well, the Dark King
can fend them off.

There are a few of us out
here who figured out ways.


When it touched me, it...
it felt like a virus,

a plague.

I shot something off
on instinct, an anti-viral.

You're a Magician from Earth?

My family is.

Well, do you think you can
show us what you did?

I... I will teach you
whatever I can.

And something else
I can share...

Lucky that the Taker
didn't snatch it.

Thank you.

- Is that Lorian Bumble Wine?
- Uh-huh.

Cures altitude sickness,
opens the lungs,

and gets you smashed.

Wait, I was gonna...

I was gonna say,

you should go easy on that.

Oh, my God.

It's too late now.
I'm sorry.

- Well, cheers to that.
- Mm.


- You're a danger tourist?
- No.

Mourning someone.

Who was it?

I mean, if you want to say.


The love of my life.

Died ridiculously young,
but he was a Magician,

and there's nothing
more dangerous than that.

My dreams were
so filled with him,

I was convinced
he was haunting me.

So I took his diary up
to the top of the mountain

and threw it in.

I felt a little better,
so who knows?

- But you're here again.
- I come every year.

To honor him.

My boyfriend died.

Well, my on and off again...

it was... it's complicated.

I don't like talking about it.

I understand.

You knew him too?

Um... good friend.

It's nice that you
can do this together.

Yes, cheers to that too.

Well, I think
I should start thinking

about going to lie down so...
my eggs are scrambled.

They sure are.

Hi, Daniella?


Um, we didn't mean to scare you.

We just wanted to talk
to you and your sister about...

What the hell are you doing?

I told you we can't help you.

- You can, but you won't.
- Hey, look.

We're not asking you
to join the fight.

We just need your help in the...

It's not just.

You think she'll stop
if she knows the stakes?

- Tell me about the problem.
- Don't!

Unless you wanna explain
how obsessed you get,

how you nearly
got yourself killed,

how Beth did get killed.

- Look, we're sorry.
- I'm not.

Look, I get that you've
lost a lot,

but so have we.

We need your help.
I'm just saying...

We already saved the world,

We get to be done.

Now get out.

Don't come back.

There is nothing like
two grieving lunatics

drinking themselves to death
on a mountain of ghosts.



Oh, it's a good sky tonight.


I used to do this with him.

We'd go somewhere, camp out,

and use illusion magic to
change the color of the stars.

Sounds perfect.

Have you ever had love?

- Love?
- Uh, like...

- Love.
- It's okay.

You can say anything.

I'm a stranger and you're drunk.

The friend
we're putting to rest.

Wasn't just a friend.

- Does she know?
- Oh, God, no.

A torrid secret affair.

Nothing like that.


It seems a bit selfish, then.

I'm just saying that seems
rather important information

that he can't give her.

I mean,
why punish her like that?

Why spare her?

You don't seem close.

Because she really,
really loved him.

So did you.


So I don't her want to think...

Have you ever noticed
that people generally

think what the hell they want?

I'm starting to think that

you're a little bit
of a shit-stirrer.

I just fundamentally believe
that the best way

to honor someone
is with the truth of them.

You could give her more
of that truth,

but you won't.

I just want everybody
to remember Quentin

however they want to

and to... to get through
the fucking day.

I'm just pointing out,

what you've got
in that secret pocket

could help her remember
the real Quentin.

Death is so simple,

and life is so complicated.

I know.


I should go to bed.

Before things get
any more complicated.

Years ago,

the Dark King, in a show
of progressiveness,

allowed that there
might be a female

among his Centurions
if one proved worthy.

This year we have two
competitors of the weaker sex.

I know, I know.

- Or you could walk away.
- Can't.

This is for Fillory.

You're a little wolf crazy
right now, and mad.

You might actually kill her.

I know how to properly
lightly maim someone.

Thanks for your concern.

Janet Fencicle,
let the battle commence!

You smell anxious.

And you smell angry,
so please let me stab you.

- You are out of your mind.
- Margo, please.

Actually worked.

That's no fair,
'cause you can do magic.

You can do that
twirly knife shit.

- You have an axe.
- Fine.

No magic.



We have a victor...
a victorette.

Your new lady Centurion.

I'm so sorry, Fen.

That was so well played!

How you knew to grab my knife.

Did I know that?

- Of course you did.
- Childsplay knife.

Perfectly safe.

We make them for children
so they can practice.

Sir, can you please bring us
to the werewolf cages?


I think I'll take the east view.

I'll find you later if you want
to hike down together.

I'll just give you a moment.

No, stay.

You cared about him too.

Do you think it goes all
the way down to the Underworld?

I hope so, for Q.

Is there anything
you want to say to him?


Okay, I think we can go now.

Wait, there's one more thing.


Wait, this stamp is enchanted.

- You could send this to him.
- Mm-hmm.

Before... oh, my God, Eliot.

You didn't send it 'cause
you were worried it could be...

So much worse if I changed it.

- Alice...
- Huh?

Is there a way that we
could really, truly know?

Eliot, I really don't know.

S... sometimes I just wish
if you all just went faster,

if you just...

Just locked the fucking door.

No, because Everett
would still...

- Right, Everett.
- Of course.


If Q hadn't stopped
Everett, then...

So many more people could die.

But I just keep thinking if...
if I can just crack the code

then... then we can fix it.

I don't think there's
a perfect code

for changing the past.

I can't send it,

but I... I can't just let go.

It's okay.

He was your friend.

He wasn't just my friend.

I'm sorry.

He loved you.

I... why would I want to take
that away from you now?

That would be so cruel.

You really think
I didn't know there was more?

I knew Q really well.

And if anyone was messy,
it was him.


He was pretty in love with you.

I'm not sure that I'd say that.

I would.

What was I supposed to do, huh?

Demand that he only love me?

Scream at him to be
a less complicated person?

I mean, it's Quentin
we're talking about.

And I loved him.

The real him, all of him.

Well, um, there's something

he probably didn't
tell you about.

The mosaic.

Um, there was this timeline.

We somehow remembered
pieces of it,

but these, uh...
these beautiful pieces,

and it was...

We loved each other
for a really, really long time,

and, um, so, you know, uh,

I promptly told him to fuck off,

and... and, you know,
he... he... he died for me.


Eliot, I have done...

A lot of bad things,
and I have hurt people, okay?

And the one thing that
I hold onto is that I know,

deep down,
that I was doing my best.

Were you doing
the best that you could?

Unfortunately at the time...


I never even got
to talk to him again.

He just died.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, file it under things
I wish I could say

in this fucking letter
that I can't actually send.

But I can't let go of it,

You want my help?


But we can do it together, okay?


On the count of three.


- One.
- One.

- Two.
- Two.


That was brave.

He was brave.

You were brave.



Thank you for telling me.

- Guards, hello!
- We're human again!


Can I say one thing?

I'm sorry I slept with Josh.

- We were just lonely.
- Fen, stop apologizing.

I don't own Josh's penis,
and I don't want to.

But you seem...

Can I have a complicated emotion

without having to resolve it
so you can feel better?

I am grateful that even
in your complicated state,

you still reached
for the Childsplay knife.

You're a good person...

I thought it was a real knife.

Glad it wasn't today,
but I'm not a good person.

Okay, well,

matters of the heart
can be irrational

and sometimes even
the best of us...

Stop trying to forgive me.

We want you to forgive us.

We promised ourselves
we wouldn't give up on you,

but we did.

You never gave up on us.

Yeah, you figured out a way.

Eliot sent the letter.

I was gonna let you die
for Fillory but...


We have a job,

and we put it first, right?


you didn't save us,

and then you stabbed me.

Am I a fool?

No... no, really.
Am I?

No more than me.

You're a lovesick idiot!


I went into battle for you

thinking that you gave
a single flea on a donkey's ass

for any of us,

thinking that we
owed you something.

Stupid me.

I've been thinking
about what Zoe said.

It's a valid question.

When do you save
the world enough?

Look, I'm... I'm with you
on anything,

but I gotta be honest.

If we survive this one,

I want a life, Julia.

Ideally, with you.

Yeah, I want that too.

I'm not sure you do,
and tha... and that's okay.

Right now we got shit to do,

but if we don't die,

we gotta figure this out.


I solved your problem.

You were right.
Surges are increasing.

They're unpredictable...

hidden variables
that defy calculation.

- But if we can't predict it...
- Correct.

You can't.

So instead,
I created a statistical model

to predict a window within
which a surge might occur.


Okay, this is a start.

Are you familiar with
the Harmonic Convergence?


A rare and powerful
astrological occurrence.

A magnifier of magic.

There have been four.

Extinction of the dinosaurs,

sinking of Atlantis,
and the invention of Auto-Tune.

In two weeks,
there will be a fifth.

How bad will it be?

This is the event
you're worried about.

Circumstances on the Convergence

will be exceptionally favorable,

which in this case
is not a good thing,

because it falls
in a surge window.

Castings will be exponentially

Enchantments will malfunction.

Death toll in the millions.

- Maybe much higher.
- How can we stop it?

You can't,
unless you stop the surges,

change astrology,

or tell everyone on Earth
not to do magic.

Whatever you try,
if you need help,

I will help you.

And so will my sister.

I'm pretty sure
she doesn't want to.

She doesn't,
but if the moment comes,

you can count on the both of us.

Wait. Dani.

Thank you so much for your help.

My pleasure.

My sister will invoice you
for my time.

Well, we go that-a-way.

A tree near Whitespire
can take us home.

I'm headed in that direction,
if you'd like some company.

- Um, yeah.
- We wouldn't mind.

Make way!

Is that the Dark King's

Are we in trouble again?

Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

Would you like a ride
to Whitespire?

- Uh...
- I think we'll walk.


I hope your journey gave you
everything that you needed.

Please call on me

if there's ever anything
I can do for you.


I think I almost
fucked the Dark King.