The Magicians (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Magicians Anonymous - full transcript

Julia lends a book to some lady. Fogg finds a sock.

- Previously
on "The Magicians"...


- Your new lady Centurion.

- You said you heard voices
from other worlds.

- You hearing something?

- A signal?


Professor, did the signal
make you do that?

- He loved you.

Why would I want to take that
away from you now?

That would be so cruel.

- You really think
I didn't know there was more?

What was I supposed
to do, huh?

Demand that he only love me?

- "Dark King"
is a little generic

as villain names go,
wouldn't you say?

- I have notes.

Although he is
somewhat effective.

Everyone seems terrified
of him.

- Elliot, Taker!
Back up!

- You all right?

Death is so simple...

and life is so complicated.

I know.

- I think I almost fucked
the Dark King.

- Are you familiar with
the Harmonic Convergence?

A rare and powerful
astrological occurrence,

a magnifier of magic.

- How bad will it be?
- Death toll in the millions.

Maybe much higher.
- How can we stop it?

- You can't.


- Hedge witches--
they're used to crumbs.

And, yes, ambient is low, but
you know what amplifies it?

Cooperative magic.

We tell everyone,

and we all do the same thing
at the same time.

And I thought that
if I took on more power

and more responsibility...

that I would want heroin less.

When I thought I'd relapsed,

I was relieved.

So, uh...

I've been clean for a year.


Thanks, but uh,
maybe hold that

'cause I've been jonesing hard.



I'm a hedge.

You know, before we helped save
magic, we got a shit deal.


Oh, there was, uh,
a blood worm scare,

so the Library gave a lot
of hedges the Reed's Mark.

Well, get a mark,

you're magically castrated
till they take it off.

The Library's imploding.
They can't fix it

and the marked ones are looking
at me, like,

"Hey, bossy pants,
you rallied us to save magic.

How about saving us?"

And I found a spell to remove
the marks in a depository.

Only, all of a sudden,
it's gone.

But I know, only way to move
something that warded

is to move it though
the Etheric Realm.

- Cool, I've heard
it's awesome there.

What's the prob?

- The prob...

is there's only one way
into the Realm.

Anybody heard of RCH?

Nickname Archie?


The way to save every marked
hedge is to drop acid.

A true 12-step conundrum.

- I'm assuming you have
the Archie on you.

Call your sponsor, kid.

- It'd make sense...

in case somebody here,

you know, gave you permission
to jump off the wagon.

Sorry, M.A. is so strict.

- You met the nice me.

Here's the real me.
Fuck off.


- What?

- Well, I take
the anonymous part

of Magicians Anonymous
very seriously.

- So you quit drinking.

- 33 days, 6 hours,
19 minutes of skin-peeling,

soul-searing hell ago, yes.

- Well, I can relate.

- As can I,

in regards to the crushing
weight of leadership.

I've never seen Archie.

May I?

Why two?

- In case the first trip's
a bust.

- Or in case it's fun.


I've been dismissive

or downright derisive
about hedges,

and I admit,
I was quite wrong.

And I'd like to try
and make, um...

Oh, hell, what's the word?

- Amends.

- Yes.


- Are you crazy?

I am, but I am not an addict.

I am an alcoholic.
Totally different.


- So I will go hunt down
the depository.

- You're not going alone.


- So we know about
the Harmonic Convergence.

The problem is we knew
just enough to be useless.

So maybe we find someone
who can see the big picture.

- "Find."

- Summon.

- A god?

you've got to be kidding me!

- Wait, Julia,
before you do that,

I think the Library
might have--

- Ah. Ooh.
- Penny?

I'm fine.

Wow, that is
a whole nother level.


- I thought the patch
was working.

- Merritt's signal just
keeps getting stronger.

I'm sorry, I can't stay.

I'm--I'm just no use until
I get this under control.

Maybe do the summoning
once I get back?

- Uh, let me know
if things get too weird.

- Uh, yeah, same.

- The Library has summoned me
about 7,000 times

to come work there,

and they also gave me this.

It'll get me in anytime I want.

I'll bring back whatever
they have

on their Harmonic Convergence
as fast as I can.

Are you sure you'll be okay?

- Yeah.
Good luck.

- You too.


- It makes the signal
is hitting you harder.

I'm starting to actually hear--

- A voice?

- You too?
- Kind of.

I can't make out actual words,

at least not ones
I can understand.

- Is that for me?
- No.

The problem with
the first patch was that it

is just a deflector.

The signal is getting
bounced off,

but I'm still getting hit
by the reverb.

This one should absorb
the sound and kill it.

And if it does, we'll see
what we can gin up for you.







Better, I think.

- Oh--


- What was that?

Where did you go?
- I don't remember.

- You didn't blip out
on purpose.

- No, it's like when the pain
got so I was gonna pass out,

I just--I just went.

- You need a doctor.


- I'm impressed.

Oh, not with this.
It's dreadful.


With your skills
as a Magician.

Who trained you?

- Well, I just picked up
a little bit here and there.

Clearly not enough,

since I couldn't put a scratch
on that Taker.

- Don't be modest.

You have what it takes
to be quite formidable.

I could use you.

Official Court Magician
in Defense of the Kingdom.

You could teach others
and be taught by me.

- I would be honored...

Your Majesty.



A different lining perhaps.
Gray, please.

When we are alone,

it can be Seb.

- Well, Seb,

we have a saying
where I come from.

You kind of buried the lede
on, uh...

on the...

well, on you.

- I didn't mean to deceive you.

Kings have to be very careful
about who to trust.

And also, it can be
a relief to not...

- Feel the weight of the crown
on your head every second?

- You are wise.

But I knew that already.


In any case, settle in,

and we will get down
to the particulars

of your duties later.

All right?

- All right.

Your Majesty.

- Oh, please.
- What?

- If you say his gorgeous eyes
see into your soul,

I'm gonna puke all over
your new leggings,

which are quite sharp,
by the way.

- Thank you.

- Legs for days.
- Ah, thank you.

But I never said his eyes
were gorgeous

or that he sees into my soul.

But weirdly, he might.

- Or he's sucking
the soul out of you

because he doesn't have one.

- Um, he did save my life.
- He's called the Dark King.

- You're called
Margo the Destroyer.

- I was a woman
ruling a patriarchy,

my brand had to be overkill.

Bottom line, he likes you.

You just have to find out
what he's really about.


I'll see if my fellow
Centurions like to gossip.

Then we regroup and decide--

benevolent dictator
by necessity

or psychopathic despot
by choice?

- What if he's the latter?
- Then I always got his back.

Perfect place to bury these.






- Help me, please.

- What's going on?
Who are they?

- Visigoths.

- What, like Marilyn Manson?

- Visi-goths!
- Oh, Germanic barbarians.

- Who always show up
at the absolute worst points

in history.




Fucking hell.

- Oh, sorry.
Did you--did you want Hades?


I could get word to him,
but, ugh, what a dick.

- Are you...

- I'm Clarion,
Goddess of Melody.

Hey, Julia, I have, uh, had my
eye on you for quite a while.

- You have?

- Yeah, yeah.
So you were mortal, right?

And then you were one of us,
and now you're back to mortal.

Whew, you're
one tough cookie, cookie.

- Thanks?

- Yeah, but the way
that you're imagining

the Harmonic Convergence
isn't quite enough.

It's so much worse.

So, when all the spells cast by
all the Magicians go haywire,

you're gonna get earthquakes,
fire, drought,

starvation, plague.

And then comes cannibalism.

- Um, is there anything
you can do?

- I could stop it.

How would that be?
- Great.

But I'm assuming there's
something you want in return.


Yeah, you, uh...

You have dealt
with a god or two.

- Yep.

- I want to be human.

Like you.

- Excuse me?

- I worship you, Julia.

How did you do it, though?

Because that's the part that
I couldn't quite see.

There's, like,
some kind of cloak

around the whole process.

Uh, rumor is it had something
to do with a book.

- Yeah, okay, I'm gonna need
just a few more details...

I don't know,
starting with why.

- Do I want to be human?

Oh, it's simple.

So I'm the Goddess of Melody,

But did you know that
we can't actually feel music?

Like, we understand it, we can
tell the good from the bad--

ah, sort of.

- So you want to be human
so you can do karaoke?

- I know that it sounds
like hubris itself,

but, uh, I think
I could be a rock star.

I mean, I pretty much know
the gig, right?

They all prayed to me.

Except for Amy Winehouse, okay?

Look how that one turned out.
Poor thing.

Any other questions?

- Oh, boy.






This is amazing.



- Whoa!

- The world isn't quite gone.



this is what my neck
feels like.


Come on!
The depository.

Come on.
- Hmm.

- Welcome!

- H-hi.


We're looking for a depository
that was, um--

it was over there.

- Eat up.

- Yeah, in a sec, but, uh,

if you know where
the depository is...

- Nobody knows where anything
is in the Realm,

except for the Emperor.

- Dear God.

This is strange.

It tastes like, uh...

Burning charcoal,

hamburgers on a grill.



- Is that bunny staring at us?

- Summer at the beach.

Brown bunny.


Beach clue.

- I'm trying real hard
to give a shit,

but it just feels so good
to be high again.

- Hmm.
- Oh.

- I guess we follow him.

- So we all know the threat
we're facing.

These are Fillory's
second greatest protectors

against the Takers.

Who can tell me the first?

- His Majesty,
the Dark King.

- Which is why protecting him

is the most important job
in the kingdom.

His Majesty is immortal, yes,

but he is not invulnerable.

- Which makes us?

- Expendable.

- A group of royal map makers

won't make it back here
till after dark.

And the First Cohort is trapped
in a blizzard

in Madness Plains.

You wet-nosed whelps
are all we've got.

Well, you, me...

And our glorious leader.


- What are we looking at here?

- His Majesty wants the kingdom
to witness him

saving subjects
from the Takers.

These are in almost
every room of the castle,

most of the taverns, and...

- It's fucking Fox News.

- Foxes all lie.
Who'd ever believe their news?

- His Majesty,
I'm afraid all we have

are the newest recruits.

- Who'll learn by doing.

- Yes, sir.
With me, recruits.

On three.

Quick step now.

Ready, hup.

- Give me a phaser
and a red shirt.

- What?
- Yeah, just don't.




The Binder was annoyed...

but unsurprised
Julia had failed

to burn him out of existence,

per their agreement.

- Look, I just thought maybe
we were both a little hasty

and, I don't know,
maybe I'd keep you safe,

let us both cool down.

So can you do it?

- The Binder stared at Julia...

if she'd learned nothing

from her interactions
with deities.

- I don't have a lot
of choice here, okay?

If you can't do this,
the Earth is doomed.

- Hmm, "Again?"
The Binder asked...


Still, the Binder wondered,

"Why on Earth would Julia
trust this 'Clarion'?"

- I don't, but the options
here are narrowing.

- As a book, the Binder enjoyed
any opportunity to teach.

And here was a word

Julia needed desperately
to understand--




- So are these
the same Visigoths

that raided cultural
strongholds on Earth?

- Mm, burned
the Library of Alexandria,

sacked the statuary
of Ancient Greece,

burned Rome, London,
Paris, Chicago,

where they framed poor
Mrs. O'Leary's cow.

That's around the time
they started getting bored

and moved into the multiverse.

- Okay,
I'm sorry about all this,

but I need every book
you have

on the Harmonic Convergence.

- We have a vast collection
on the other side of that door.

- Oh, wow.
Well, my timing is--



- How do you do?

I'm Visigoth Overlord Terence.

Apologies for the mess,

but recall,
I did announce our incursion

and asked you most politely

to drop all your defenses
and surrender,

having given my word

that you would
be absolutely safe.

But the word of a barbarian?

- Actually,
Visigoths are famous

for always keeping their word.

- Oh, that's weird.

- My dear, if you'd be so kind.


- Sorry, I'm just
a little confused here,

but you seem...

- Educated?
Polite to a fault?

We seek to acquire only
the deepest knowledge,

highest art,

and most illuminating

Is it any wonder
a little might rub off?

- What about all those
inconvenient commandments

about theft?

- Alice, it's no use debating.

- Alice, is it?

That's lovely.

- Thank you?

- We seek only those works that
transcend appetite and avarice,

that touch upon the immutable.

That's why we spend so little
time on Earth anymore.

What's left to raid?

Tent pole franchises?

Jeff Koons?
The, um...


- Visigoths never lie,

but they never tell
the whole truth either.

I know what you're
really after.


- The books of everyone...

- Is actually what they want.

Every sentient being's life,
birth to death.

Can you imagine?

They could plan the pillaging
of every great work

before it's painted
or written.

Not to mention
the stock market.

- "Stock market"?

- They have a thing
about shorting.

They think it's hilarious.

- Look, Zelda, I understand
how important this is to you,

but what's the point?

They're gonna get in here,
and this is the only door.


- Okay, how about this?

You want to teach?


To turn a goddess mortal?"

The Binder inquired, with not
a small amount of disdain.

- Hmm.

Too tough?


Maybe I'll just hand you
to her.

- Ah, the Binder realized Julia
had cornered him

with his own credo.

But still, he wondered,

what was in it for him?

- Well, how's this,
paper boy?

- Said the Binder...

"Let the lessons commence."


- Whoa!


Oh, oh...


None of them match.

- So this is where they go.


If you see
a red and orange argyle,

cashmere, size 13,

grab it, please.

- Oh.

I don't usually say this
when I'm this high,

but we really need to focus.

- Exactly.
Red and orange.

- Yeah.

No, no,
we're looking for, uh...

- Christ!
- Uh...

- I don't believe it.
There it is.

- Oh!

- You were right.

Just needed to focus.

- Mmm...

- Oh, bunny.



Um, hi.


we're looking for an emperor.

- Hey, Kady.



- Hank.
I don't hate that.

- You know us?

- What kind of an emp
would I be if I didn't?

You roll into my town,

I take a gander
at your thoughts,

and if I dig ya,
I show you the brown bunny.

And I dig ya both.

on the first sock.


How great is Archie,
by the way?


- Pretty great,
once you let it settle in.

- And as long as you're here,

the high never goes away.


- Wow.
That's, uh--

- That's perfect.
- Yeah.

We--we really need
to find the, uh...

Oh, Jesus.

- Depository, Kady.

- Right, right.

Uh, can you tell us
where that is now?

- Sure can.

It won't be free, though.

Even here
where everything's fun,

there's a price.

Have some suds.

This'll take a sec.

- What will?

- For me to dig deeper
into your thoughts,

see which one of you
gets to leave...

and who has to stay.



- The map makers are in there.


- Do you hear that?

- Oh, boy.

- Breathing.

Coming from there.

- With respect, Majesty,

- Guys, there.


There, there.
We're surrounded.

- You can see them?

- I have really good
night vision.

My grandpa married
a snow leopard,

is the rumor.

- Sire.


- Where is he going?

- Oh, I've seen that before.

It's a legit royal tactic.

Never fear.

- Shouldn't we get him
to the infirmary?


With all the newbies
practicing during surges,

it's like a meat locker
down there

where the meat's alive...
until it's not.

- Ah!

- Penny?

- Get...


- Who?



- So our Dark King--

did he just shit the doublet?


I hope so.

I really don't want to be
the only one who does it with--









That's amazing, right?

I mean, honestly,
fuck Netflix.

That is peak television.

- Jesus.

No kidding.

You kick some serious ass
for your kingdom.


Pretty cool.

You're both equally awesome,

by which I mean,
totally fucked up.

By which I mean,
I get you're on a mission.

One of you has got to jet,

but either one of you
can hang for eternity.

You guys decide.

- I'll stay.
- No, you will not.

- Are you kidding?

This place is heroin heaven.

- And a billion times
better than

Isabella Islay single malt.

Look it up when you get back.
I'm staying.

- You've got students
counting on you.

- And I've had it with
the goddamn lot of them,

all 40 timeline's worth.

I never really knew
how sick of them I was

until I stopped drinking.

I've earned the right
to step off

and do Tai Chi with the Elvi.

- I want this as much as you.

As soon as he tells you
where the depository is--


Sorry, Kady,
but you just revealed

to the entire
studio audience

that you're hanging onto
a thread of responsible intent,

which could make you
kind of a bum hang

in 100 years or so.

Hank, on the other hand...

Is laidback mondo perfectus.

- Hey...

you don't really want this.

- Kady, sweet Kady.

- I'm sorry I did this to you.

I had no right.

- My whole life,

all this senseless worry,

suffering and pain,

both inflicted and received...

it wasn't for nothing.

It guided me here.

And you were right.

I am home.


- I'll be back, okay?

I promise.

- Goodie.
See you soon.



- Use your key.

- I'm not going without you.
- I can't.

- Do you really want to die
for a bunch of books?


- If I could do it all again...

I'd be a better mother...

a truer friend.


But I wasn't.

I'm not.

Because I've given
my life to this.

It's all I am.
It's all I have.

I can't lose everything.

- You can.

Believe me, I have.

- [SOBS]

I'm sorry about Quentin...

But this is different.

- No, it's not.


Because whoever,
whatever you love

that gets ripped away from you,

it stays alive
inside of us...

and anyone
you share it with.

- I can't.
I can't.


I'm not strong enough.


- Stopping her signal
is impossible.

It's coming from a place
that I can't reach,

but I could save him.

- Then do it now.

- I'll just need you
to give me what we agreed to.

- And the rest of it?

- Rest of what?

- The part where you save
the planet?

- You have one thing to trade,
Julia, for one miracle.

So your miracle can be
to save your boyfriend

or your world.

- But you could save both.

- You know what?

Humans have exploited gods

since you guys
staggered upright.

The deals that we make
need to be strict.

So this deal--
one book, one miracle.

- You're really gonna
make me choose?

The planet or him.
- Yeah.

I know, it's
total bullshit, right?

You see why I want to be
a human?

Like, I can't feel the melodies
I'm goddess of,

can't bend the rules
I didn't make, eh...

- Don't put this on your kind.

This is you choosing.

- But the one who has
to choose is you.

I'd say he has
about a minute left.


- I feel...


So why do I feel like something
really shitty went down?

Maybe because you're here.

- Like all humans,
23 saw little and knew less.

What strange, sad, angry,
narrow little lives

these humans stumbled through.

- Okay, just tell me
what you did to me.

- I helped you,

and now you're going
to help me.

- The Binder
reminded the goddess,

he couldn't be forced
to do anything

he didn't wish to.

- Oh, honey,
I don't force anyone.

I just get what I want.

Good-bye, Julia.

And for what it's worth,

I feel like you made
the right decision.

- For what it's worth,
go fuck yourself.




That's all of them, sir.

None harmed.

We'll secure the site.

You should go back
with the map makers.

- It kind of feels
a little abrupt, you know?

It kind of felt like
he was gearing up

to make a big speech.

It was just...

- Wait.

Back inside, now.

- Excuse me, sir, but wasn't
this a rescue mission?

A super-successful one
that's over?

- Inside.


- So I-I take it she's
the god you summoned,

who is not going
to save the world for us?

- Look, we'll figure
something else out.

We've got time.

- There's more, isn't there?

- Anyone else need a drink?

- Look, the signal
was killing you.

I did what needed
to be done now,

but she didn't have time
to be delicate.

She just--

She said that
the only way was--

- Take away
my psychic abilities.

Yeah, 'cause...

I'm not getting
Merritt's signal anymore or...

Anybody's thoughts here

or anywhere.


So this is quiet.

It is fucking weird.

- You can't travel anymore.

- Technically, I can.

It'd just be like
flying a jet blind.

And since I'm not suicidal, I--

- I'm sorry, Penny.

- No, we just settled a really
big spiritual argument here.

There is for sure
instant karma.

- If there had been
more time...

- Come on.

You got to appreciate
the balance of it...

the irony.

I had to make
a choice for you.

You had to make
a choice for me

It is fucking radiant.

- Um...



This, oh, uh...

this happened...

This is because of me.

I didn't see it coming,

and I never thought
it was gonna get this bad.

- Merritt,
what could you have done?

I should've told the truth.

My name,
my real name, is Plum.

Plum Merritt Chatwin.

- Wait.
- You're a Chatwin?

- Wait, what do you mean?
Like the kid's books?

I missed an episode.

- I am so sorry.

I was terrified and alone,

and being here was
the first time I felt safe,

but I'm not.

The thing with being a Chatwin
is it's like a curse.

It's like there
are things coming after you

that we just don't understand.

I don't know
what this signal is,

but I know why it's
targeting me,

and I am gonna figure out...

- Whoa, whoa.
Hang on! Hang on!

- No, you don't know
what that's gonna do.



You're right.

- Wha--



- Funny thing

about doing the same thing
over and over again--

you learn how to do it better.


- I suppose that's the true
purpose of a library, no?

Ah, your treasured tomes--

each one a life...

a destiny.

- I'm most curious about who
my next few wives will be.

You never know, Alice.

Let's go find our books,
shall we?

Something to add,
Madam Librarian?

- Yes, if you really want
to know your future,

you better be able
to speed-read.

- No!

No, no!

No, no, no, no, no!


- Enter.


- I was just checking

to make sure
you were all right.

- Thank you for your concern.

I'm fine.

Just a bit tired.

- I can imagine.


You were incredible out there.

- Maybe once.

Now it's, um...

What's the military term?

Holding action.

Nothing but holding actions.

- I saw that not
all the Centurions returned.

Good night, Seb.


- What exactly are
we looking for, sir?

- Not what.

Well, both.


- Grab it!
Grab it!


- You two know each other?

- No.

- Then you won't mind taking
charge of its imprisonment.

- Of course not, sir.


- And all the books
on everyone are gone...

for good.

- Maybe that means
actual free will now

and not any
of that predestined shit.


- Or lots of rewrites to do.

Sorry, Zelda.
It's a bad day for everybody.

- At least the fires
drove them out.

We think they got
about half the collection.

- Mm, yep, and everything
on the Convergence.

- So what do we now?

We try and trade
with the Visigoths?

What do we have that they want?

- I mean, the Overlord
kind of liked me.

- Off the table.

- I read most of the books
on the Convergence...

enough to know
it can be stopped.

It's almost impossible
but not complicated.

- Zelda, please tell.

- Oh, of course.

Well, all you have to do
is move...


- Move?

- The fucking moon.


Well, at least we know
where it is.