The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 2 - Lucy and the Plumber - full transcript

It's...

Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org

Brought to you by new
Lux Liquid with Dermasil.

To improve the appearance of
your hands while you do dishes.

Now, our next, uh,
talent discoverer is a lady:

Mrs. Lucy Carmichael.

Mrs. Carmichael?

Won't you sit down?

Now, tell us something about
yourself, Mrs. Carmichael.

Uh...

I'm a housewife



- and I have two children!
- No, no. Sorry.

It's not necessary to get
that close to the microphone.

- Oh.
- Just sit right here

and we'll talk
normally, all right?

Oh.

Now, uh, tell us about this
new talent you discovered.

Well, I, uh...

I discovered my new talent
in Mr. Krause's butcher shop.

Well, that's very unusual,

finding a star in
a butcher shop.

Well, I, uh, I noticed

that whenever I went into
Mr. Krause's butcher shop,

he would shake hands
with all the customers

and catch frankfurters
in his mouth.



Mr. Krause?

No, his dog.

Oh. Oh, I-I see.

Mr. Krause has a trained dog.

His name is Beauty, and
he does so many tricks.

He can, he can walk
on his front paws,

and he dances on his hind legs,

and when Mr. Krause
plays the harmonica,

he howls like The Beatles.

Yes.

Mrs. Carmichael...

What?

Uh, Mrs. Carmichael, tell me,

if your Mr. Krause and his
dog should win our first prize,

what do you intend to do

with your half of
the hundred dollars?

Have my plumbing fixed.

Well, I-I guess that's
a very practical use.

Yes. The hot water comes
out of the cold water faucet,

and the cold water comes
out of the hot water faucet,

and nobody ever comes
out of the bathroom.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
here's another talent discovery,

Mr. Krause and his
trained dog Beauty.

Now, for his first trick,

Beauty is going to shake
hands with his trainer.

Go ahead, Mr. Krause.

Beauty, shake hands.

Shake hands.

Shake hands!

Uh, what's the matter,
Mr. Krause, you having trouble?

Uh, maybe it's the
lights and everything.

The people... It
makes him feel strange.

Yes, it could. It could
make him a little nervous.

Yeah, made me feel
strange. I feel fine now,

but I can imagine what
it's doing to the dog.

- Try it again, Mr. Krause.
- Yes, I noticed you...

Yes.

Shake hands.

Shake hands!

Oh, he went through his legs!

Did you see that?!
Wasn't that wonderful?

Yes, that was quite...

- Thank you very much.
- Oh, wasn't that wonderful?

Thank you very
much, Mrs. Carmichael.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to have a word...

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

Beauty will show
how a courageous dog

can help a whole
community battle crime.

Wait till you see him do this.

Yes, better be good.

Now, the dummy
that they're bringing in

is supposed to be a burglar.

Now, watch how the
dog attacks the burglar

at the command of his trainer.

- Go ahead, Mr. Krause. Watch this now.
- Yes.

Attack the burglar.

Attack the burglar.

Get him!

Oh! The burglar!

The burglar!

The burglar, Beauty!

The burglar, Beauty!

Get him off!

Get that dog and this man
and this woman out of here!

Come in!

Mrs. Carmichael?

Yeah?

If you've finished playing
"The Anvil Chorus,"

would you explain the emergency

that made you drag
me away from the bank?

Well, I'm having trouble
with my plumbing.

Mrs. Carmichael,

any normal woman
faced with that situation

would send for a
plumber, not a banker!

Oh, I know that, but today,

to get a plumber,
you need a banker.

I just sent for a plumber,
so I need money to pay him.

Oh, I hope that's
him now. Come in!

Oh, boy, am I glad to see you.

I have had such a time.

I don't know what's wrong here.

I've been trying
to fix it myself.

What's the matter, lady,

haven't you ever
seen a plumber before?

Do you know that
you look exactly like...?

Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Will you stop that already?

But you do!

Look, every place I go,

people tell me that I
look exactly like him.

Yes, you do!

Yeah? Well, lookit, I'm not him!

My name is Tuttle. Harry Tuttle.

But you look... you're-you're
amazingly like him!

You look enough
like him to be his twin.

Look, you're paying
me by the hour, see?

And I want to give you service.

I don't want to give
you conversation.

Now, where's the leak, lady?

Well, it's not a leak,

uh, but the pipes are
mixed up in the sink.

Well, I'll get to
that right away.

You know, I didn't
mean to get so mad, lady,

but you know what bugs me?

What?

Three billion
people in the world,

and I gotta look like him.

Well, I should
think you'd be happy

to look like Jack Benny.

He's very popular in
banking circles, you know?

I've, uh, done business
with him myself many times.

Oh, does he have
money in your bank?

He has money in every bank.

You can say that again.

Well, let's see
what's going on here.

You know, that's very unusual.

What happens if you turn
on both faucets at once?

I don't know. I
never tried that.

Let's see.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, Mr. Mooney, I'm sorry!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I don't know. I've been
a plumber all my life.

This is the first time I've
seen anything like that.

How can anything like...?

Oh, Mr. Tuttle, turn it off!

Mr. Tuttle, turn it off!

Oh, Mr. Mooney,
I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, dear.

I just don't know what
to say, Mr. Mooney.

I'm so sorry.

Just say good-bye.

I'm leaving.

Now, Mr. Mooney, what
about the money for the bill?

Tell him to send
the bill to the bank!

Gee, Mr. Tuttle, I
hope you don't mind

sending your bill to the bank.

Ah, don't worry about it.

It's nothing. What's
money? It's nothing.

Boy, you may look like him,

but you sure don't
sound like him.

And you know, that's what
makes me sorry that I look like him.

What do you mean?

His reputation.

You know that I can't
go into a restaurant

and have waiters wait on me,

- because they think I'm him.
- No.

Is that so?

You know, at-at the trains, the
porters won't take my luggage?

You know, every time
I get my shoes shined,

the boy makes me
pay after each shoe.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Well, of course, I've always
thought he was very funny.

There's only one thing
funny about Benny:

He walks like my sister.

Well, of course, I've always
enjoyed him very much.

You've enjoyed him because
he hasn't ruined your life

like he's ruined mine!

What do you mean?

Tell you what I mean.

You know that I can't even get

a driver's license
on account of him?

Why not?

When they give
me an application,

every time I put down
my age, they throw me out.

Why?

'Cause I'm really 39.

Well, you know, now
that I look at you closer,

you look much younger
than Jack Benny.

Thank you.

But you know why they
think you both look alike?

Why?

'Cause you both have blue eyes.

Mine are bluer.

Lady, hand me that
plunger, will ya, please?

Sure.

I can't get this thing to budge.

Yeah, I'm sorry I
slammed it down so hard,

but that's what happens
every time I get mad at him.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, lookit, a little,

a little water will
loosen that up.

Yeah, be careful
of those faucets.

Now, lookit, don't
tell me my business.

You know, I'm a plumber;
I know what I'm doing.

Oh, okay, I just...

I'll have that fixed up.
Don't worry about it.

Gee, I think I see what's
wrong with it right away.

I think I got it now.

Well!

I think it's all
right now, lady.

Try it.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that works great now.

Gee, didn't take
you long to fix it.

Yeah, I'll be back tomorrow

and check it for
some more leaks.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm sorry
about that plunger.

Oh, don't worry about
it. How much is the bill?

Here it is.

I only charged you six
dollars for my services.

Oh, well, that sounds very
reasonable. Thank you.

$12 for my plunger.

$12 for an ordinary plunger?

Look, when you return
it, I'll refund your money.

Oh, okay.

Well, it'll probably get loose

when the weather's
a little warmer.

Well, good-bye.

Bye. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Jerry!

Yeah, Mom?

Honey, will you
go out in the garage

and get that big crowbar for me?

Okay.

- Hey, Mom?
- What, dear?

Can I play with this?

Yeah, go ahead.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Carmichael.

You are Jack Benny.

Now, please, don't
start that again, will ya?

Oh, stop acting.

I'm not going to tell anyone.

Gee, Mr. Benny, if you
wanted to become a plumber

to pick up a few extra
bucks, that's your business.

Mrs. Carmichael,
once and for all,

please believe me, I
am not Jack Benny.

But the violin.

That's the worst blow of all.

What do you mean?

Because of Jack
Benny, I'm a plumber

and not a concert violinist.

I'll give you credit for
bringing back that plunger.

Thank you.

Did-Did you study
to be a musician?

Are you kidding?

I was a child prodigy.

Really?

At the age of four, I made
my debut at Carnegie Hall.

I can still remember that night.

While I was on the stage,
I had to stand on a chair.

Oh, so the audience
could see you, huh?

No, so I wouldn't
trip over my curls.

As a child, I was
a violin virtuoso.

But as I grew up, I
began to look like him.

By the time I reached maturity,
I was finished as a musician.

But I just heard you play.

You play beautifully.

I know.

That's not easy when your
hands are in water all day.

I still shudder when I think
of my symphonic debut

as a grown man.

- What happened?
- It was at the Philharmonic.

I remember I walked to
the center of the stage,

and I fell flat on my face.

You tripped over your curls?

No. I mean, the
audience laughed at me

because I looked
so much like him.

- Oh.
- They made fun of me.

Oh, that must have
been very embarrassing.

Yeah.

I'm not used to having
people laugh at me.

From then on, it was the
same every concert I played.

- So you had to become a plumber, huh?
- Yeah.

To think that these
hands have gone

from Bach, Beethoven and Brahms
to sinks, sewers and cesspools.

Well, have you ever tried
to change your appearance

so you don't look like him?

Yeah. Once I tried.

I tried growing a mustache.

Then I looked like Hitler.

Even that was better
than looking like him.

My mother made me shave it off.

She's saving it with my curls.

Well, have you
ever tried a beard?

A beard?

Yeah, you know, lots
of musicians wear them.

Skitch Henderson, Mitch Miller.

Yeah, but I'm afraid
I'm the nervous type.

I'm afraid with a beard, I'd
be scratching all the time.

Oh, don't be silly.

Do Skitch and Mitch itch?

You know, it'd be very difficult

starting a musical
career all over again.

I wouldn't know where to begin.

Hey, I would.

Did you ever see
a television show

called The Talent
Discoverer's Show?

Yeah. I watch it all the time.

You think I could get on it?

I think you could, yes.

Now, don't you
worry about a thing.

It may take a little
doing, but I'll do it.

I'll take care of
all the details.

You are going to be
on their next show.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome to another
Talent Discoverer's Show.

Our first talent
discoverer this evening

is a young lady, Miss
Lucretia Carmucci.

Miss Carmucci?

Right over here, please.

Sit down.

No, I-I-I think it
might be better

if you sat here in the
chair, Miss Carmucci.

- Ah.
- Yes.

Well, now, before you tell us

about the talent
you've discovered, uh,

I wonder if you'd like to tell
us a little bit about yourself.

Oh, that's a-nice.

My name is Lucretia Carmucci.

And I'm a-no marry.
I no marry anybody.

What's a matter you?

I'm sorry, Miss Carmucci,

but I must say you
look vaguely familiar.

How's a-that?

I said you look familiar.

Ah, you Americanos.

All a-time you give-a
the girls the same old line.

"Haven't we a-met-a
before someplace?"

Ah! I know nobody.

I just a-come here from Italia.

- From Italy?
- Si.

Ah, paisan.

That's a-not a
nice a-thing to say

in front of all these people.

Oh, but I was merely saying
that it was a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, I know what a-you say,
but it's the way you say it,

you little rascal.

Miss Carmucci, will you tell us

about the, uh,
talent you brought?

Well, he's a-play
a very nice violin.

Oh, he's a violinist?

No, he's a plumm-ber.

He's a what?

He's a plumm-ber.

Oh, a plumber, you
mean, a plumber.

That's what I said... plumm-ber.

Well, what's his name?

His a-name is Harry Tootalie.

Oh, yes, it's Harry Tuttle,

ladies and gentlemen,
Harry Tuttle.

Harry Tootalie...
That's what I said.

Well, that's-that's
very interesting.

A plumber-violinist.

Is he good?

Is he good? He's a-wonderful!

He fixed my pipes
in five minutes.

No, no, no, no.

I meant as a violinist.

Oh, well, why you no give
him a listen and find out, huh?

Well, fine, fine.
That's very good.

Uh, what is he going to play?

He's a-gonna play
a nice arrangement

of "Gypsy Airs" by Sarasate.

Oh, fine, fine.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Lucretia Carmucci's

talent discovery,
Mr. Harry Tuttle.

Hello, Harry.

Hello, Harry. He's
a nice fella... Harry.

Grazie, grazie, grazie.

How do I look?

You look wonderful.
Don't be nervous.

Grazie, grazie.

Prego, prego, prego.

If you please, maestro.

Ah!

I'm not through yet!

Go on.

He's a-no finished.

Thank you very much, Mr. Tuttle.

Yes, good night.

I'm not through yet!

Come on, one more.

Here it is.

Oh, so it's you again!

I thought you looked familiar.

Now, you got to get out.

What are you giving me this for?

Get out! Get out!

Hey, hey, get them out of here.

Get that girl out of here.
Get that man out of here.

Oh, but get 'em out!

Out! Out!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Ladies and gentlemen, The
Talent Discoverer's Show

will continue in just a moment.

Just be patient.

Everything's going to be...

Out! Out!

Hey, get them out of here!

Out! Out!

No, no, I-I'm afraid I can't
make it today, Audrey.

I'm expecting the plumber.

Yeah, I did have my pipes fixed,

but he's coming over this
morning to check on them.

Well, I'll see you
tomorrow at the...

Oh, that's him now.

I-I'll talk to you
later. Bye-bye.

Good morning.

Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.

You're not angry at
me are you, Mr. Tuttle?

I should say not.

You know, thanks to
your getting me on TV,

offers have been
pouring in all morning.

Oh, for concerts and nightclubs?

No, kitchens and bathrooms.

Oh.

Well, I better take
a look at this now.

You only got offers
to do plumbing, huh?

Yeah, but I've
had so many offers,

I'll be the happiest
plumber in town.

Oh.

I've gotten so much business,
I even had to hire an assistant.

Oh, is that so?

Well, that's nice.

It sure is. I'll get...

Hey, Irving.

Irving, bring in my tools.

Do you know that
you look exactly like...?

Look, please don't
start that, will ya?

Where's the leak, boss?

Right over here.

Where is it?

Right there, right there.

What's the matter, lady,

haven't you ever seen an
assistant plumber before?

Well, Chrissy,
you've really flipped.

Shh! I'm supposed to have quiet.

Oh, well, may I break
the spell long enough

to ask just what you're doing?

I'm upside down to bring
a beauty blush to my face,

which I then massage
with Lux beauty lather.

Well, Chrissy,
darling, just using Lux

makes your skin soft and pretty.

I get great results
with Lux, right side up.

Hey, your skin
does look terrific.

Save some Lux for me.

Was brought to you by

new Lux.

New in shape.

New in luxury.

It softens as it cleanses.

New Lux.

Help other users to choose the best subtitles