The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 3 - Lucy and the Winter Sports - full transcript

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Anyone for tennis?

Oh, Lucy, you look adorable!

It took me six weeks to
save enough to buy this outfit.

Pow! Wow!

I may not be any
good at the game,

but at least I look
like a tennis player.



Oh, I should say you do.

You're a regular Patty Berg.

Isn't she a golfer?

Oh, it doesn't
make any difference.

All I know is that you look
just absolutely great, girl.

- Thank you.
- Ooh!

- Think I'll serve a few.
- Ah.

Wow!

Yeah, right back.

- Now, take it easy there.
- Yeah!

Don't wear yourself out
before Bill calls for you.

Don't you worry about me.

You know, Viv, you
ought to exercise more.

It's very good for your figure.



Why should I exercise?

My figure's just the same
as it was 20 years ago,

only a little more mature.

Well, it looks like

you've matured more in
some spots than others.

Okay, you've made your
weekly crack about my weight.

I'll go on a diet tomorrow.

Okay.

Right at you, boy.

Too bad, old man.

Better luck next time.

- You won, huh?
- Yeah, I won.

- Lucy?
- What?

How serious is this thing
between you and Bill?

Well, uh, because of
him, I'm playing tennis.

I've gone duck hunting with him.

I'm taking golf lessons.

Tomorrow night,
I'm going bowling.

And next week, if he asks me,

I'm ready for ping-pong,
polo or pole vaulting.

Sounds like you like him.

Well, no gal's gonna break in
a new set of muscles every day

for a man she doesn't like.

That's true.

- There he is.
- No, I want to get it.

- You get in the kitchen.
- Why should I go in the kitchen?

- I want you to make an entrance.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.

Oh, come on, now,
make an entrance.

You just look
marvelous. Hurry up.

Why, Bill!

Hi, Viv. How are you?

Why, for heaven's
sake, what a surprise.

Oh, did Lucy tell
you I was coming?

Oh, no. Lucy never
discusses her dates with me.

Are you gonna play tennis?

What else?

Oh, sure.

I'll call Lucy for you.

Lucille?

Bill's here.

Oh, hi, Bill.

Hi, Lucy.

I didn't know you were...

Oh, Lucy, what an
adorable tennis outfit!

Lucy, you look great.

Well, thank you.

Oh, aren't you the sneaky one,

keeping it a secret from
me while you made it.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, it's
just a little something

that I whipped up last night.

Come on, Bill, or we'll be late.

Oh, no hurry, no hurry.

I've got a court
reserved for six hours.

- Six hours?!
- Mm.

Isn't that a little long?

I-I haven't played in years.

Oh, it'll all come back to you.

After all, it shouldn't be hard

for a girl that was captain
of her college team.

- Captain?
- Uh...

Bill, you promised
not to mention that.

You mean you never
told Vivian about that?

Oh, now, you know
Lucille. She's so modest.

Oh, there are hundreds of things

about herself
she's never told me.

Now, you two run along
and enjoy yourselves.

Okay.

Good-bye.

Lucy?

Lucy, are you all right?

Oh, fine.

I always walk like I just
got out of a train wreck.

Oh, you poor little...

Don't touch me!

There isn't a part of me

that isn't bruised,
broken or bent.

Oh, I think you better sit down.

No, thank you. I'll
stand and keep moving.

At the end of the game, I
tried to jump over the net,

and I didn't quite make it.

Oh, my.

Well, here, honey. At least
let me take your racket for you.

Let go of it.

I can't. I think rigor
mortis has set in.

You can't let go of it?

No.

Oh, here, let me
help you, honey.

- Take that fing... that finger.
- Aah!

- Oh?
- Aah.

Oh, well, you
have to get it off.

Oh, honey, you'd
better go right upstairs

and take a good, hot bath.

That's just what
I'm gonna do, girl.

Oh!

- Hey, Viv?
- Uh-huh.

Is it possible for
a man in his 40s

to be drafted overnight?

I don't think so.

Oh, darn it. I'll have
to go bowling with Bill

tomorrow night.

Oh, dear.

And next week, I'll have
to go through the tortures

of badminton and
bicycling and bronco busting

and ping-pong,
polo, pole vaulting

and parachute jumping.

Hi there.

Well, how did it go?

How did what go?

The bowling.

Oh, the bowling.

Oh, not bad.

We-We bowled 17 games.

Oh.

What was your best score?

Eleven.

I made two strikes, but
one of 'em didn't count.

It was in the next alley.

Where's Bill?

Oh, he'll be right along.

He's taking one of his
athletic friends home.

Oh, let me hang
up your coat, honey.

Why are you carrying
that bowling ball?

What bowling ball?

That one.

Oh, that bowling ball.

Why are you still holding it?

I'm not holding
it, it's holding me.

I can't get my fingers out.

That must have
been a little rough,

trying to bowl with that
thing stuck on your hand.

You could have gone
right down the alley.

That's how I got
my second strike.

You mean that...

Yeah. You haven't lived

till you belly-whopped
down a bowling alley.

Oh, honey.

Come on, stand up.

Let me take it off of you.

Can you do it? Can you get up?

- Oh, dear.
- Oh, come on, Lucy.

- You'll have to help, Viv.
- I'll help you. There.

There you go. Now take it easy.

- Ugh.
- Ooh.

- Take it real easy, girl.
- Okay.

- Aah. Aah.
- Ready?

Ready?

Okay, just... There we go.

There you go.

Oh, that feels wonderful.

Where's my arm?

There it is.

Oh, thanks.

Lucy, if I were you, I'd just
stay in bed all day tomorrow.

Oh, I can't. He's
taking me skin diving.

Skin diving?

Yeah, skin diving.

Oh, Lucy, honestly.

You have to be an expert
swimmer to go skin diving.

Yeah, well, Bill
thinks I'm an expert.

Now, don't tell me

you told him that you
swam the English Channel.

Well, yes, but just one way.

Oh.

Yeah, over. I didn't
say I swam back.

Oh, honest, Lucy, when
are you gonna learn

to keep your big mouth shut?

Well, what can I do?

I-I wanted to keep seeing him,

and the only thing he's
interested in is sports.

Well, for heaven's sakes,
use your head a little

and-and tell him that
you're good at some sport

that's out of season,
like winter sports.

Oh, I'm not good at
winter sports, either.

I know, but at least you
have a couple of months’ time

to take some lessons and
learn how to do something.

Yeah.

Now, winter sports.

Let's get him interested
in winter sports.

- Hi, Bill.
- Hi, Viv.

Well, Eddie loaned
me his scuba diving suit,

so everything's all set
for tomorrow morning.

- Oh.
- I'll pick you up bright and early.

Good, good.

I'm looking forward
to our skin diving date.

- Yeah, so am I.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, so you do have
a wet suit, don't you?

No. They're all dry, but
I'll soak one overnight.

Oh, Lucy, you have a
great sense of humor.

Oh, Bill, it's really...

It's just a shame
you can't see Lucy

at something she
really excels at...

- Oh?
- Like winter sports.

- Winter sports?
- Uh-huh.

Lucy, you didn't tell me you
were good at winter sports.

Well, I didn't want to
say anything about it,

but that's-that's
where I really shine,

you know, figure skating

and tobogganing
and skiing and...

- Skiing?!
- Oh! Yes.

That is my favorite
sport... Skiing.

Say, do you shush?

Can I shush?

Of course I shush.

Oh, good, good.

Oh, and I love the slalom
course. Do you slalom?

Well, now, y-you should see
me doing my shlalomining.

Oh, it sure is too bad
there isn't any snow now.

Yeah. Hey, but there is!

Where?

There is. We're in luck.

They had an early snowfall
up in the Adirondacks.

I've got an idea.

A great idea!

We're gonna cancel
our skin diving.

Oh?

I'll pick you up about
4:00 Saturday morning.

4:00?!

- 3:00?
- No. 4:00 is fine.

Good, I'll see you then.

Lucy, are you mad at me?

Mad, no.

Furious, yes.

You got me into
this, Vivian Bagley,

and you better know
how to get me out!

Well, Vivian, have you
thought of anything?

I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

"I'm thinking. I'm thinking."

- I've got it!
- What?

Tell him that you
can't go skiing with him

because you've got a broken leg.

How can I fake a broken leg?

Who said anything
about faking it?

Well, thanks loads!

Well, I was thinking.

Well, I'm just gonna
have to go skiing, that's all.

Oh, Lucy, you've never
been on a pair of skis.

- You can't go skiing!
- So I'll get an instructor.

I have until Saturday.

Where's that telephone book?

Oh, do you know how
long it takes to learn how

to stand up on a pair...?

Get the door. Get the door.

Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.

Good evening, Mrs. Bagley.

Oh, hello, Mr. Mooney.

It's nice to see you.

Is this a social call?

Are you kidding?

Mrs. Carmichael, for
the last two months,

I've been trying to get you

to fill out these
insurance policies.

Now, will you please do it?

Okay, just leave them here.

I'll be busy for the
rest of the week.

I'll sign them Monday.

Monday you will be in traction.

Traction?

Oh, she's thinking
of going skiing,

and she's never
been on a pair of skis.

Will you be quiet?

You're going skiing?

Oh, my favorite sport.

I didn't know you
knew how to ski.

Is it hard to learn?

No, it's very simple, really.

Any normally intelligent
person can learn to ski

- in just a few lessons.
- I can?

I said, any normally
intelligent person.

Oh!

Are you a good
skier, Mr. Mooney?

Well, in my younger days,
I used to be an instructor

- at Lake Placid.
- Oh.

You used to be an instructor?!

Well, then, you can
teach me how to ski.

Mrs. Carmichael, I'm
going to be very busy

for the next seven years.

Oh, now, Mr. Mooney,
you got to help me.

It's very important.

Well, I'm sorry, I'm
afraid I can't, because I...

If you don't do this, I'll
never speak to you again!

Promises, promises.

All right.

If you do help me, I promise

not to bother you
again for a whole year.

- It's a deal.
- Thank you.

Mr. Mooney, isn't it kind of
dangerous to ski for a beginner?

No, no, not at all.

Why, last year,

I took my mother-in-law
up to the Adirondacks.

Now, she had never
been on skis in her life.

And first time out,

she went right up to
the top of the mountain,

went straight down,
took off at the jump,

soared into space
in a perfect arc,

and landed right at the bottom.

She did?

Broke every bone in her body.

Oh, Mr... Oh, now,
you see, Mr. Mooney,

now that means that...

Oh, Viv, Vivian,
he's just teasing.

Now, that didn't really happen
to your mother-in-law, did it?

No.

Just wishful thinking.

Oh. You see?

Mr. Mooney, when can
you give me my first lesson?

Well, I'll be free
tomorrow afternoon.

Ah, it's a date. I'll
expect you right here.

- All right.
- Let's see.

Now, what kind of
equipment will I need?

Well, skis, poles, boots...

Bandages, splints and
a hospital reservation.

You be quiet.

Here are these
things, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, uh, thank you very much.

And here's the
book of instructions.

You can follow along.

Oh, thank you.

All right, now, Mrs.
Carmichael, you can stand up.

Here, Mrs. Carmichael.
Here. Let me...

Let me, let me help.
Let me help you.

Oh, thank you.

There we are.

Well, you certainly
look like a skier.

There you are.

Oh, look, Viv, this is
for picking up stuff that

litterbugs leave around.

What's the matter?

I'm sorry.

Lucy, don't use those things
until you know what they're for.

Oh, I know what they're for.

They're signal indicators.

If you want to go right
or left, you just do that.

What happened?

You poled me.

I'm sorry.

Now, will you keep those
things down by your side, please?

I think I'll make some hot
coffee for you two skiers.

I'll get this out
of the way, too,

so you'll have plenty
of room, Lucy, huh?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- Okay. -All righty.
- That's fine.

All right, Mrs. Carmichael,

you are now ready
for your first lesson.

- Right.
- Now, you watch me.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, all right.

Now, first of all,

you bend the knees.

That's it, bend the knees.

Now lean forward.

That's it.

Now you keep flexing your knees.

That acts as a sort
of shock absorber

when you're going over
rough ter... terrai... terrai...

Turah, turah,
turah, turah, turah...

Mrs. Carmichael!

- Mrs. Carmichael!
- Twah.

What are you doing?

I'm doing the
same thing you are.

I'm looking for a handkerchief!

I-I... I have to s...

I have to...

Good heavens.

All right, now,
Mrs. Carmichael...

we are going to
learn to walk on skis.

Oh, walking ought to
be easy for... anybody!

Aah!

Oh, what are you laughing at?

You look like a
redheaded wishbone.

Oh, Mr. Mooney,
get me out of this!

Oh, all right, all right.

Now-Now bring your
left foot back slowly.

- Bring it back. Yeah, bring...
- Bring my left foot back slowly?

Yes, bring it back. Push.

- Aah!
- That's a girl.

There. There you are.

Oh! Oh.

- All right.
- Oh.

I'm sorry.

All right, now, then,
wasn't so easy, was it?

No, sir.

I will show you
how to walk on skis.

All right.

Ba-Ba-Ba... Back up. Back.

Back.

Wait until I tell you to move.

All right.

All right?

Now we do a
little turn like this.

And then we're ready to go.

All right, now follow me.

Get off.

Well...

How do you get off?

There. I got off.

All right.

Let's go again.

Come on, Mr. Mooney.

Come on.

Back! Back! Back!

Stay back!

All right, Mrs. Carmichael,
move over that way.

Since you're going to
turn in spite of everything,

we will learn a kick turn.

A kick turn?

A kick turn.

Now, it's just what it implies.

You kick. We are
going to the left now.

I'm gonna kick turn.

Put your left ski pole
behind you, like that.

Behind you. Behind you.

- Oh, my left.
- That's it.

Now, then, you
kick the left foot

up and forward, resting the
back of the ski on the ground.

Let it drop over to
your left, like that.

Then bring the other ski around.

There we are.

I'm sorry I hit you again.

Mrs. Carmichael,

Willie Mays would love
your batting average.

All right.

Finish the turn.

Now.

I'm sorry.

Congratulations,
Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, what for?

For the last 15 years,

my doctor has been trying
to get me to give up skiing.

And you have
succeeded in five minutes!

I'm through! Finished!

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

Oh, Mr. Mooney, that's...

Now, you promised
to give me lessons!

I... I'm not gonna
break my limbs for...

Well, how-how-how
do I get out of this?

I would suggest
that you sell the skis.

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Mooney...

- Oh.
- You promised to give me a lesson.

Hello?

- Yes, he's here.
- Oh.

Mr. Mooney?

- It's for you.
- It's for...

For me. Oh.

It's your wife.

Hello, Irma.

Yes, Irma.

Right away, Irma.

It'll be a pleasure. Yes.

Oh, good news!

Irma wants me to go with her

to see my dear mother-in-law.

Your mother-in-law?

I thought you didn't like her.

Compared to you,

she is Rebecca of
Sunnybrook Farm.

Well, what about my
skiing lesson, Mr. Mooney?

Your ski...?

Now, there's the
book, Mrs. Bagley.

You carry on.

And take my advice.

Keep at least ten yards
away from that woman.

Yes...

There you go, up the hill.

Hey, you're coming
along fine, Lucy.

- Yeah.
- Yes, doing fine.

There's someone coming.

- Lucy?
- What?!

Bill just drove up
in the driveway.

Oh, no, he can't see me on skis.

He'll know I've
never skied before.

- That's right.
- He can't see me practicing.

- What'll I do?
- Uh, just take 'em off, honey.

Take 'em off.
What'll I do? I'll fix...

I can't get the clamps undone!

- Well, hide someplace.
- Hide?

- Yeah.
- On skis?

Yeah. Hide upstairs,
honey. Upstairs.

Go right upstairs.

Go right upstairs,
and I'll stall him.

I'll do something.

Come on, now, go on up there!

"Go on up," she says.

Have you ever tried
to go upstairs on skis?!

Here. Here, get in the closet.

Get in the closet.

He's shutting the door.

Oh, come on, get in there!

That's as far as I can go!
I can't get in any farther!

Oh, the sofa! The sofa!

I can't get under the sofa, Viv!

No, not under it.
Here, you just back up.

Now, back, back, back.

Turn, turn, turn.
Turn, turn, turn.

Now, back, back, back.

Back, back, back. That a girl.

- Oh. Oh.
- That a girl.

- That's it.
- Just a minute!

Uh, coming! Coming.

There you are.

- Hi, Bill.
- Hi, Viv. Hi, Lucy.

Oh, hi, Bill.

Hey, you look great
in that ski outfit.

Oh, thank you.

I thought I'd try it on
just to see how it looked.

Oh, it looks fine.

Oh, here, I brought you these.

Oh. Just what I need.

Oh, thank you very much.

I'll see you Saturday
morning. Bye.

Oh, you better try those on.

Try 'em on?

Well, yeah. They may
not be the right size.

Oh, well, I-I... I, um...

I couldn't try 'em
on in the house.

- It's back luck.
- Bad luck?

Yeah. It's an old
Scandinavian superstition.

Scan...

Oh, Lucy, you've got
a great sense of humor.

Oh, she is a barrel
of laughs, isn't she?

Oh, she sure is.

Boy, I can't wait for Saturday

to go shushing down
those steep slopes.

- Yeah.
- I'll see you about 3:00 a.m.

- 4:00 a.m.!
- Okay, 4:00 a.m.

- You be on time.
- Good-bye, Bill.

Bye!

Okay, let's get back
to that herringbone.

Oh, Vivian, forget
it. That's no good.

You heard what he said.

I got to go down a steep slope.

Now, where can I
practice on a slope?

- I need a steep slope!
- The roof.

- That's very steep.
- The roof?!

Are you kidding?

Well.

Oh, heavens.

Wait a minute.

- Here. I got an idea.
- Yeah?

- You got an idea.
- Yeah, step off.

- What's that gonna do, Lucy?
- Help me get my skis off.

What are you... what
are you gonna do, Lucy?

- Listen.
- Uh-huh.

You know those packing
boxes we've been saving...?

Are you out of your
cotton-picking mind?

You sure you want to
go through with this?

Don't worry.

Everything will be all right.

Well...

What's the matter?

Somebody lowered the ground.

Oh.

Are you ready, honey?

Oh, not yet.

Well, let's see now.

I got to stand up.

Got everything ready?

- Yeah.
- Huh?

All right.

Are you ready to go? Now,
you be awful careful, Lucy.

That's higher
than you think it is!

Oh, don't worry. I got to
go down a steep slope.

All I did was bend over
to tie my shoelace...

and Peter Pan
came in for a landing.

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