The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 19 - Lucy and the Countess - full transcript

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It's so nice having
breakfast with you children

and seeing all
your smiling faces.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mother,

but this is the only chance
we get to do any reading.



Yeah, the rest of the time,

we're too busy
watching television.

Well, Sherman, you'd better
find time to write to your mother,

and you two ought
to drop her a note.

Aunt Viv's been
gone almost a week.

- Oh, I've been meaning to, I forgot.
- Okay.

I'll do it tonight.

Okay, anything interesting
in the paper, Chris?

Well, the society column says

that a countess is
coming here to Danfield.

A countess?

Well, that's nice.

What's a countess?

A female count.



It says the countess used
to live here in Danfield.

Here in Danfield?

- Hmm.
- Let me see that.

Over there.

Countess Framboise, former
Rosita Harrigan of Danfield,

will return here...

Rosie Harrigan.

I used to know her.

You know a real countess?

Yeah, we were
school chums together

when she was plain
old Rosie Harrigan.

We used to be on the
basketball team together.

Boy, could she dribble.

When did she ever meet a count?

Well, one summer she
went to Paris for a vacation.

She asked me to go with her,
but I went to Poughkeepsie instead.

I'll get it.

- Okay, dear.
- Boy, I'll bet

Danfield will seem
pretty dull after Paris.

Danfield is pretty dull
even after Poughkeepsie.

It's a telegram for you, Mom.

Who would be sending me a wire?

Maybe it's from Aunt Viv.

Maybe she ran out of money.

Aunt Viv knows better
than to wire me for money.

What is it, Mom?

"Arriving in Danfield today.

"May I stay with you
until I get settled?

"Can't wait to see you.

Love and kisses, Rosie
Harrigan Framboise."

The countess is
going to stay with us?

Well, uh, well, yes, she can
stay as long as Aunt Viv's away.

Oh, gee, imagine a real
countess coming to stay with us.

Yeah, a real-life, full-fledged,
full-blooded countess.

Gee, that ought to make Danfield
society sit up and take notice.

Yeah.

Oh, what are we
doing sitting here?

We got to get the
house cleaned up.

You clean up the upstairs,
I'll do the downstairs.

Okay.

Hurry up now, do a good job.

Listen, children, come here.

Now, remember, I want
you to be very polite

when you meet the countess.

- Chris, I want you to curtsy.
- Okay.

And I want you
boys to bow, okay?

I want to make a ver...

- She's here already.
- Oh.

Remember now, act nicely.

Try to make a real
good impression, okay?

Rosie...

My name is Sam.

Where do you want them?

Want what?

Luggage for the countess.

Oh, oh, just put it anyplace.

All righty, come on, men,
let's get going in here now.

Children, will you stay out
of the way, please, because...

- Put it right over here.
- That's good.

- Thank you very much.
- Good.

- That'll be fine right there.
- Will you stay out of the way,

- madam, because...
- Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Thank you very much.
- Oh.

That's good.

Stay out of the way now, Jerry.

- Stay out of the way now.
- Kids, stay out of the way.

We don't want you
kids to get hurt, please.

- There's more?
- There's much more.

Oh, no.

Mother, where are
we going to put all this?

- Yeah, that's good.
- That's quite all right, dear.

Okay, stay... boys, stay out
of the way, will you, please?

Get out of the way.

Now, come on, son,
you have to stay out of...

Look at all the
places she's been.

She's been all over
the world, darling.

Oh, wouldn't it be exciting?

Yes, I think it's
been very exciting.

Boys, now, stay out of the way.

Oh, where are we going
to put all of it, Mother?

Shh, it's quite all right.

Here she comes.

She's coming.

- Get back out of the way.
- Can you imagine

how many clothes she must have?

- Oh... please, ma'am.
- Terribly sorry.

That's good, boys.
Keep coming with it.

Keep coming with it.

There you are.

That's fine.

Lucille!

- Rosie!
- Lucille!

- Rosie!
- Lucy!

Rosie, where...?

Rosie!

Oh, good!

Ah!

Oh, Rosie!

Oh, am I glad to
see you, darling!

Oh, you look so beautiful.

Okay, well, just a minute.

I have to take care
of these nice men.

Come along, come along.

Oh, now here is for all
of your nice gentlemen.

Thank you.

And, uh, well, this is for you.

Oh, thank you very much.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

And you can bring the
rest of the things tomorrow.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, they're terribly nice.

Rosie, darling!

Oh, Lucy!

Oh, after all these years,
you haven't changed a bit.

And you haven't changed either.

Except that you weren't blonde.

And you weren't a redhead.

Well, outside of that,
we haven't changed a bit.

Not a bit.

Now, darling, you got my wire?

Oh, yes, I did, dear.

And it's all right if I
stay a couple of days?

It's all right if you
stay a couple of weeks.

My friend Viv is not here now.

Oh, bless you, darling!

Well, hello there.

Are these your children?

Well, some of them, yes.

- Chris and Jerry are mine.
- Uh-huh.

And that's Sherman, he's Viv's.

Oh, how do you do?

Oh, so sweet.

Yeah, you see what I told you?

Now, now why don't
you children run along?

I'd like to talk
to the countess.

Yes, à tout à l'heure, huh?

Oh, Rosie, this is so beautiful.

Gee, your husband must
have been wonderful to you.

What was his name again?

I never could pronounce it.

Oh. Le Comte Henri Gaston
Armand Jean-Louis Philippe

Framboise de Cul-de-Sac.

But I called him "Saxy."

Saxy?!

Oh, how cute.

Go on. Tell me what
happened, Rosie.

Oh, well, dear, after
my husband died,

I wandered around
Europe for about a year,

and then I decided to come
back to Danfield for a while.

Do you think maybe you'll buy
an estate and settle down here?

Well, it's not very likely.

I'm flat broke.

You're broke?!

Broke.

Oh, but that's impossible.

You're a countess.

Dear, all my husband
left me was his noble title

and all his noble debts.

Oh! Well, that looked
like an awful lot of money

you were tipping
those deliverymen.

Well, I have to keep
up appearances,

and that was my
farewell appearance.

Who is it?

It's me... Mr. Mooney.

Oh, dear.

Who's Mr. Mooney?

Oh, he's the president
of our local bank.

- A banker?
- Yeah.

Oh, c'est magnifique!

In my financial
condition, a banker

is just the man
I'd like to meet.

Like to meet,
dearie? Have to meet.

Well, you can meet
him, and lots of luck.

We call him the
"Miserly Mr. Mooney."

Oh, you do?

Come in!

Excuse me, Countess.

Thank you greatly.

Uh, just go around
that blue trunk there.

The what? Where?

Oh.

Oh, well.

Oh!

What brings you out of the bank?

Don't tell me I'm
overdrawn again.

Undoubtedly, but that
is not why I'm here.

Oh.

No, I heard that you had the
charming Countess Framboise

staying with you.

That's right.

What about it?

What, what about it?

Well, I'd, I'd just
love to meet her.

Oh, well, I'll see if
that can be arranged.

Would you step back
behind the trunk, please?

Countess, dear, are you
receiving this afternoon?

Oh, darling, any friend of
yours is a friend of mine.

Well, you heard the countess.

Any friend of mine
is a friend of hers,

so that freezes you out.

Oh, M-Mrs. Carmichael, you
have a great sense of humor.

Oh, you do. Will you
please introduce us?

All right.

Uh, Countess, dear,

may I present our leading
banker Mr. Mooney.

Mr. Mooney, my oldest
and dearest friend,

the charming Countess Framboise.

Oh!

Oh, brother!

Oh, it's a great pleasure
meeting you, Countess.

Oh, and the pleasure
is mutual, Mr. Money.

That's "Mooney."

- Mooney, yes.
- I'm so sorry.

The reason I'm here,
Countess, is because

I have just been
elected president

of the Danfield
Wine Tasting Society.

- Oh, how interesting.
- Yes.

And perhaps you would honor us

by attending our
meeting tonight?

Oh, tonight?

A wine tasting society?

That sounds très gay.

Oh, yes, but w-what time should
Mrs. Carmichael and I be there?

Uh, M-Mrs. Carm...

Well, I rather thought

that Mrs. Carmichael
would be busy tonight.

Dream on.

I'm free as a bird.

Oh.

Uh, well, we'll be happy
to have you both attend.

It will be at 8:30 in
the Gourmet Room

of the Danfield Hotel.

We'll be there.

Oh, indeed, yes.

Good-bye.

Oh! I'm so sorry, Countess.

Oh, my.

- Mr. Mooney?
- Yes?

I will treasure that
kiss, Mr. Mooney.

It's the only thing
you've ever given me

without charging interest.

Good, good-bye, ladies.

Good-bye, Mr. Money.

That-That's Mooney.

Exactly.

Oh, my.

It's going to be a
wonderful event.

Well, this is it.

There's Mr. Mooney
and Mrs. Valance,

the society columnist.

And that's Danfield society?

Yep.

You sure you want to crash it?

Well, it isn't much,
but it's all we've got.

Well, come on.

- Let's make the best of it, huh?
- All right.

Oh! Oh, Countess!

Countess Framboise!

Here comes Mr. Mooney.

Oh, goody. We're airborne.

Yes.

- Oh.
- Hi.

Good evening, Countess.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I present the
Countess Framboise.

- Enchanté.
- Enchanté.

And now, shall we get on

with the business at hand?

- Uh, to the wine?
- Tallyho!

Tallyho.

This way, please,
right over here.

Hey.

Do you see what I see?

Well, I don't know.
Where are you looking?

At the tables...
they aren't set.

I don't think we're
getting any dinner.

Oh, I'm sure
they'll serve later.

- Oh, I hope so. I'm starved.
- Well, so am I.

- We haven't had any lunch even.
- Shh.

Oh, oh, uh, Countess?

Over this way, please.

Thank you so much.

- Right there.
- Thank you.

Now, then, our first
wine is a Bordeaux,

- Oh, a Bordeaux.
- Bottled in 1935.

Ah.

Yes. By the vineyards of
Château Mont Blanc Sassou.

I know Sassou very well.

Yes.

Mmm.

Is he drinking
it or inhaling it?

He's trying to enjoy the aroma.

Well, I'd enjoy the aroma
of a hot dog right about now.

Lucy, you're supposed
to sip it slowly.

Well, I have to do something
to kill the hunger pangs.

Did it help?

- It didn't hurt.
- Good.

And, uh, now, perhaps
our honored guest

will give her
opinion of this wine.

- Countess?
- Oh, thank you.

Well, I think it's
an excellent wine.

It's sort of, um...
Je ne sais quoi...

I could describe it as, uh,

sort of a combination
of nectar and ambrosia.

- Ah.
- What do you think, Lucille, darling?

Well, I-I could definitely
describe it as "ambrosiatic."

MR. MOONEY: Yes. Yes.

Uh, now, if you
will, uh, Countess,

we'll move down
to this table here.

- Oh, yes. Thank you very much.
- Yes. Uh, right here.

Yes.

Now, this next wine...

- this wine is a Burgundy.
- Ah, yes.

Yes, from the Saône-et-Loire.

- Et-Loire.
- Yes.

- Now, this was bottled in 1959.
- Uh-huh.

A most excellent
year for Burgundies.

- Oh, thank you. For Burgundies.
- There you are.

Burgundies.

Wasn't a bad year
for hot dogs, either.

No.

Now, madam, uh, you, uh,
give your opinion of this wine.

Well, I think it's very
good for a domestic wine.

Domestic wine?

This came from France.

Well, that's where I come from.

Well, that's telling
them, Rosie.

You said it, huh?

Okay. Now, uh, uh, shall we?

If you will, uh,
follow me, please,

- to our next wine.
- Oh, yes. I'm delighted.

Yes. Right over this way.

Oh, Countess,
forgive me. This way.

Right over here, if you will.

Now...

this wine is a delicate Chablis.

Ah! A Chablis.

Santé. Santé.

With an indescribably
delectable bouquet.

Ah, yes.

Yes, it's known for
its full-bodied aroma.

- Mm-hmm.
- The fragrance is alluring...

Uh-huh.

Enchanting... and exotic.

If he puts a dab
of it behind his ear,

so help me, I'll belt him.

I'll drink to that.

Here.

Ah, well, this is indeed
one of my favorite wines.

Yes, well, I...

- Oh, pardon me, Mr. Mooney.
- Hmm?

- If this is one of your favorite wines...
- And it is.

Well, then, I would
like to propose a toast

to a very deserving gentleman:

our new club president,

Mr. Theodore J. Mooney.

I'll drink to that!

Wipe her off. Wipe her off.

I'm really sorry.

Let us all move on
to wine number nine.

You know, I don't think

they're ever going
to serve us any food.

I don't care if I
never eat again.

- What do you think of that, baby?
- Nah.

Come on. Let's get
on to wine number nine.

All right. Wine number nine.

Hey, you know,
that's like poetry.

Wine number nine,
it tickles my spine.

You are divine!

Honey... let's not walk.

Let's take a taxi.

I would say that this

is a very tough
corner to get a taxi on.

Ah. Okay.

Let's hit the road.

Oh.

He waited while I... Oh.

You look lovely in that hat.

Thank you, darling.

Continue.

Now, our ninth wine
is a sherry from India.

- Oh, all the way from India.
- Yes. Now...

- By elephant, I presume.
- Yeah.

You will, uh... you'll
notice the color.

- It's light brown.
- Oh, light brown.

♪ I dream of Jeannie ♪

♪ With the light brown hair ♪

- Ladies. Ladies. Please, ladies.
- ♪ Borne like a... ♪

- Shh. Shh.
- Countess. Ladies, please.

Continue.

As I was saying, this
sherry was bottled

in an excellent year: 1939.

What's the matter?

He shouldn't have
said anything like that.

Well, what did you say to her?

Nothing.

Why, you certainly did
say something to her!

What did you say?

All I said was, "This
sherry was bottled

in an excellent year: 1939."

He said it again!

Lucy!

How do you feel?

Now, now, Lucy, here.

What happened?

Did you hear what
he said, Rosie?

Well, yes, I did.

He just said 1939
was an excellent year.

Hey, now, shut up!

Now, you tell me
what's wrong with you.

Well, 1939 was one of
the worst years of my life.

Oh, honeykins.

Honeykins, now.

Honey, what? What happened?

I didn't get to go
to the "sheasore."

The... the "sheasore"?

No. I got sick.

- I couldn't go "shwimming" or anything.
- Oh.

I had the "mimps"
and the "mumpsles"

- and everything.
- Mumps and the measles.

Aw, come on. Well,
don't you worry.

I'll just see it never
happens again.

Mention what?

I'll see that he'll
never mention it again.

- What?
- 1939.

I don't want anybody to
ever mention 1939 again.

- Now, Lucy, now, Lucy, listen.
- As long as I live!

- Never, never, never!
- Lucy. Lucy.

- Lucy. Lucy!
- I don't want anybody...

Now, we've got to
pull ourselves together.

Why? Are we coming apart?

Now, listen.

Straighten up there.

Fly right.

Now, listen.

You want to get into
Danfield society, don't you?

Yes, I do. How do I look?

- Terrible.
- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Now, I am going to fix you.

Now, come on.

Oh, sweetie.

That hat is really you.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Uh, Count-Countess.

Countess, Mrs., Mrs. Carmichael.

Uh, right around
the corner here.

There you are. Yes, right there.

Watch that step. It's a doozy.

Uh, you sit down first.

You sit down first, Countess.

After all, you're royalty.

That's right... I am royalty.

I'll go first.

I'm feeling a bit flushed.

Hey, we got a royal flush here!

A royal fl... flush.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we have come to our last wine.

And as is our custom,

we always finish
with a champagne.

Oh, I love champagne.
Do you like it?

Yes, and we are fortunate
indeed tonight to have

a very distinguished
champagne from Épernay.

- Oh, Épernay.
- Yes.

Oh, garçon, thank you very much.

You go get some for
the rest of the folks.

Uh...

And now, I should like
to propose a final toast...

Oh, let's drink a final toast

to the president of the
Wine Tasting Society.

Here's to, uh...

What's his name again?

Whose name?

- Mooney's.
- I don't know.

Oh, well.

What difference does it make?

To the president.

- To the president!
- A final toast.

♪ I love Paris ♪

- ♪ In the springtime ♪
- And another notable meeting

- ♪ So do I ♪
- comes to a conclusion.

- ♪ I love Paris ♪
- I think it is only fitting

♪ In the fall, so do I ♪

- ♪ I love Paris ♪
- I think, out of respect

for our honored guests,

- ♪ Why, oh, why ♪
- we should all rise

- ♪ Do I ♪
- and drink a toast

- ♪ Love Paris? ♪
- To our charming visitors...

- Our countess - ♪ Because ♪

- and our lovely Mrs. Carmichael.
- ♪ My love ♪

- So, let us all rise and say...
- ♪ Is... ♪

Well, Chrissy,
you've really flipped.

Shh! I'm supposed to have quiet.

Oh, well, may I break
the spell long enough

to ask just what you're doing?

I'm upside down to bring
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which I then massage
with Lux beauty lather.

Well, Chrissy,
darling, just using Lux

makes your skin soft and pretty.

I get great results
with Lux, right side up.

Hey, your skin
does look terrific.

Save some Lux for me.

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