The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 20 - My Fair Lucy - full transcript

To get the financing to open a charm school, the Countess seeks to impress the snobbish Mrs. Dunbar and her henpecked husband. Lucy masquerades as a ratty scrub woman whom she molds into a sparkling débutante. Things turn sour at ...

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Rosie Harrigan,
you'd better get in here

if you want some
chow this morning.

I hear you.

I was just talking...

I was just talking
to that nice mailman.



I think he likes me.

He says I have a cute zip code.

Rosie, every man
in town likes you.

Oh, here is another gift from
one of your admiring merchants.

Oh, now, isn't that sweet?

I wonder what it is.

It looks awfully...

Oh, caviar again.

Nothing but caviar.

We've got so many fish eggs,

you'd think we were running
an underwater maternity ward.

Why doesn't anybody
send us some meat?

Well, because everybody thinks

you're the rich
Countess Framboise.



They don't know you're
the busted Rosie Harrigan.

Darling, I feel so
terrible about being broke

and sponging off of you.

Now, now, what are
old school friends for?

Well, we'll have to live off
of caviar the rest of the week.

Not for me, thank you.

I'm allergic to caviar.

Every time I eat that,
I break out in hives.

Oh, Lucy, I just don't
have any talents.

I'm used to getting by on charm.

Oh, well, now...

being charming and gracious
is nothing to frown at, you know.

Yes, but charm
doesn't pay the bills.

- Rosie, you know something?
- What?

It can pay the bills.

What?

You could open a charm school.

Oh, what a marvelous i...

Oh, no, that takes money.

Now, where am I going to get
money to open a charm school?

That's where you can
begin using your charm...

On our tight-fisted
banker Mr. Mooney.

He adores you.

Oh, bonjour, monsieur.
Entrez, entrez.

Countess Framboise.

I was so excited when you
asked me to come over here

that I... I ran all the way.

Oh.

And I imagine a man
of your powerful build

can run very fast.

Well, I was quite
athletic as a youth.

Oh, yes, at one time I was
supposed to go to the Olympics.

But I married Irma
that year, instead.

What a shame.

Oh, you are so right.

Oh, my.

And you are so amusing.

Oh, really?

I didn't think it was that...

- I really...
- Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Carmichael.

Are you ready for tea, Countess?

Oh, yes.

Voulez-vous du thé, monsieur?

Hmm?

Do you want some tea?

Oh, tea. Sí.

Uh, oui.

I'll bring it right
in, Countess.

Thank you very much.

- Oh, please, please be seated.
- Oh, thanks, thank you so much.

I've so looked forward
to chatting with you.

Oh, oh, I'm honored,
Countess, honored.

You know, you are like a
breath of culture here in Danfield.

Oh, now, monsieur,
vous êtes si séduisant.

Oh, I didn't know. I...

I thought she'd never leave.

Now, Lucy is a wonderful person.

She wants to leave us alone

because frankly, I have
a little favor to ask of you.

A favor? Of me?
A lowly commoner?

Yes, Mr. Money.

That-that's Mooney, Mooney.

Of course, you can
call me Theodore.

Or even Teddy.

Theodore.

Well, I'm glad that
you spoke of culture,

because frankly,
I think Danfield

could use a little culture.

- Oh, my sentiments, exactly.
- Yes.

Well, then, I am sure
you can understand

why I'd like to open a charm
school here in Danfield.

- A charm school.
- I...

Oh, what a wonderful idea.

I couldn't help overhearing.

Now, what do you
think of this idea?

Why, Countess,
with you in charge,

a charm school
would be sensational.

Oh, I knew a man of your
breeding would agree with me.

There's just one
tiny little problem...

Money.

You see,

all of my money is
tied up in a Swiss bank.

Oh, well, couldn't
you send for it?

Well, you see, my bank is
way up on one of those Alps.

And it takes the postman
forever to get there.

So I thought
perhaps your bank...

Oh, oh, dear. Oh, oh, dear.

Oh, C-Countess, Countess,
much as it hurts me to say this,

my bank is not in
a financial position

to advance a loan just now.

But Teddy, I was
so counting on you.

- Counting on Teddy?
- Yes.

Oh, fudge!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There is a Mr. and Mrs.
Dunbar from New York in town.

Now, they were discussing
investments only yesterday.

Now, they might be just the
ones to back your venture.

You really think so?

Oh, Countess, once they
meet you, how could they resist?

I mean, after all...

I-I'll go and arrange
a meeting right away.

- Oh, Teddy?
- Yes, yes, yes?

Teddy, you are wonderful.

Oh, gad!

Oh, I haven't tingled like this

since they came out
with plaid checkbooks.

I'm... going to arrange
a meeting right now.

- Well, au revoir.
- Oh, au revoir!

Au revoir!

Oh!

Oh, oh, my!

Oh!

Rosie, you did it!

Now, no, I bet the Dunbars
won't be as easy to charm

as Mr. Mooney.

Oh.

Now, how am I going
to prove to those people

that I can make
this thing a success?

Lucy, I don't know anything
about teaching charm.

Rosie, I have a plan.

Did you see My Fair Lady?

- Yes.
- Now, listen...

So, you see, my
school here in Danfield

would only be a
start, Mrs. Dunbar.

I'm planning to spread

the Countess Framboise
charm method all over the world.

Well, heaven knows the world
needs more charming people.

I think it sounds expensive.

Quiet, Fred.

Pay no attention to my husband.

He made all of his money in oil.

Crude oil.

Yes, indeed.

Well, now, as I was saying,
all I require is enough capital

for this little suite
of offices, and...

Well, Countess, I think your
charm school sounds fascinating.

But why waste it on this place?

Everybody in Danfield
is so, um, common.

We only come here
to visit Fred's relatives.

But my dear, that
is the challenge.

Out there are hundreds of
women who haven't the faintest idea

how to walk or talk or dress.

I am longing to bring them

the Countess
Framboise charm method.

Yes, I am ready.

I am ready.

Now, if there was only
something I could do

to prove to you what I am...

Cleaning woman.

Uh, we're conducting
business here.

Go right ahead. Ain't
gonna bother me none.

Uh, well, now, as I was
saying, Mrs. Dunbar,

about our investment, you see...

- Yes.
- It would be, uh...

Lady, your whistling
is annoying us.

- Lady?
- Huh?

Your whistling is annoying us.

Oh, yeah, I don't
whistle so good

since I had my two front
teeth knocked out in a fight.

They were just
hanging by their roots.

I deplore fighting.

Yeah, me, too. I
get a kick out of it.

But now, as to our investment...

Well, Countess, before we
would dream of making any...

Hey, what time is it, fat lady?

What?!

It's 12:00.

Oh, boy, I got to feed my face.

Oh.

Ooh.

Mmm.

Good, mmm.

Oh, it's good.

What's the matter with you?

You want a swig?

How vile.

It's the only flavor
they had left... pink vile.

I suggest we
should talk over here.

What a crude person.

Yes, well, my dear,
you can't blame her.

She's a victim of society.

In fact, she's exactly the
type that my school could help.

Do you think you could help her?

Quiet, Fred.

Do you think you could help her?

Well, it might be a very
interesting challenge.

Now, let me give
her a few tests.

Uh, pardon me.

What'd you do?

I would like to talk to
you, Miss, uh, Miss, uh...?

- Uh...?
- Lumpwhomper.

Liza Lumpwhomper.

I come from a long
line of Lumpwhompers.

Oh, yes.

Miss Lumpwhomper, mm-hmm.

Well, I'd like to play a little game
with you, Miss Lumpwhomper.

Oh, what do you want to play,
honey? You got some dice?

No, no, no.

I would like you to say,

"The rain in Maine
falls plainly on the grain."

Now, why would you want me
to say a stupid thing like that?

It ain't even cloudy out.

How do you know
it's raining in Maine?

Now, now. I was just trying
to study your speech habits.

Well, I don't have any habits.

I just say what
comes to my mind.

But I'd like you to
recite something.

You mean like a poem?

Yes, a poem... I mean a "po-em."

- Oh, I know a loverly poem.
- Oh, good.

Yeah, it's called, uh...

"Pull Down the Awning, Mother,
Daddy's Leading a Shady Life."

"I was standing in
front of the local saloon

and I saw him dancing with..."

Oh, the best part's coming.

No, never mind.

Never, never mind.

Now, can you do anything else?

Yeah.

I can call hogs.

Oh, that's very good.

Give me air.

Stand back.

Soo-wee! Soo-wee!

Soo-wee!

What a dreadful sound!

You wouldn't say
that if you was a hog.

Countess, I think you'd
be wasting your time trying

to transform this person.

You'll never be a
Pygmalion to this Galatea.

You watch your language!

I'll belt anybody that
says I'm one of them.

Now, now. Now,
now, let's calm down.

Not till fat lady apologizes.

I apologize?!

Well, that's more like it.

You better learn some manners!

Why can't you be
nice, like your son here?

Countess, Countess, it
would indeed be a miracle

if you could do
anything with that person.

Then I accept your
challenge. I will make...

What challenge?

A challenge: I will make a
lady out of this poor creature.

If you will give a
party next Friday night

at your hotel, I will bring
Miss Lumpwhomper.

Bring her to a party of mine?

I give you my royal word

that she will be a
completely new person.

And if my charm method works,

will you finance my schools?

Well, I don't know.

Shut up, Fred.

We'll do it, Countess.

Ah!

But I don't see how you
can make a silk purse

out of that sow's ear.

That does it, lady!

Okay, I'm gonna
knock your teeth out.

- Now, now, now, now, now, now.
- I'm gonna...

Now, now, now, now, now.

I will take this poor, wretched
bit of flotsam and jetsam,

battered and buffeted
by the stormy sea of life,

and I will perform a complete
metamorphosis on her.

What are you gonna do to who?

I shall make a lady out of
this dreary, drab drudge.

This slovenly...

- Slob.
- Slob.

Now, I have work to do.

If I am going to
perform this miracle,

I'll need every minute.

Every minute for the next
ten years, I would think.

Now, my dear, I will see
you Friday at your suite, 8:00.

Until then, Countess.

Yes, à tout à l'heure.

Bye-bye. Fred?

Bye-bye, Countess.

À bientôt. À bientôt.

À bientôt.

- We did it!
- You did it!

Well, Mrs. Dunbar,

this is a perfectly
delightful party.

It reminds me of some
of our soirees at home.

Why, thank you.

We try to provide
the proper setting

for your protégé to debut.

Well, that's very kind.

It's the same in crude oil;
we like to celebrate a new well.

Quiet, Fred.

When is Miss Lumpwhomper coming?

Oh, she'll be here.

I've taught her it's more
charming to be late.

We're having a special
unveiling tonight.

I'll tell her, Fred.

We're having a special
unveiling tonight:

- a new work by Garbanzo.
- Oh, yes.

We love art.

In our place in New York,
we have two Picassos.

Oh, really?

Well, Pablo is wonderful.

He did some work at
my villa on the Riviera.

Picasso painted your portrait?

No, he painted my kitchen.

Miss Liza Lumpwhomper.

♪♪

Good evening, Liza.

What do you think
of my creation?

I think she's beautiful.

Quiet, Fred.

Well, she doesn't look
bad on the surface,

but can she talk?

Say something, Liza.

The rain in Maine falls

plainly on the grain.

That was very good, my dear.

Now mingle with the guests.

À tout à l'heure.

See you later, fat lady.

I haven't quite
finished with her yet.

- Well!
- No.

I think you did a wonderful job.

- She looks beautiful.
- Well, thank you.

Oh, shut up, Fred!

I'm sorry, fat lady.

Dear!

Uh, Countess, I'd like to
have you meet some of our...

Why, thank you very much.

That's very kind of you.

Excuse me, Miss Lumpwhomper.

Excuse me.

Yes, Mr. Dunbar?

I thought you might
like to try some of these.

Oh, thank you. Isn't
that nice of you?

Mmm! Oh, my, they're delicious.

Well, you look pretty delicious,
too, Miss Lumpwhomper.

Oh, Fred.

Yes, I've never seen
such a change in a person

in my life.

Why, it's like a beautiful
butterfly emerging

from a cocoon.

Mmm, Fred, what a
very nice thing to say.

And you know, I think it's
the first time I've ever heard

you finish a complete sentence.

It felt so good.

I know what you mean.

Oh, Fred, you're so nice.

These are delicious.

Oh, well, I'll bring
you some more.

- Oh, would you?
- Yes.

I'd appreciate that so much.

Ooh, they're just wonderful.

Uh-huh.

- I'll be right back.
- Thank you, Fred.

Hurry back.

Lucy, Lucy, do you
know what you're doing?

Yes, yes, I'm... I'm getting
along with Fred very well.

I think I've got him hooked.

No, you're eating those canapés.

Yes, I know.

But I'm eating
them very daintily.

I had my pinky out.

I thought you said you
were allergic to caviar.

Oh, I am. I can't stand caviar.

I get hives.

That's caviar.

- I didn't notice.
- Well...

Oh, what am I gonna do?

Well, if I know hives,
you're going to itch.

Oh, oh, I know I'm gonna itch.

Yes, I know, but if you're
going to scratch, scratch daintily

and leave the pinky out.

Lucy, stop scratching in
front of all these people.

I can't help it.

I itch in front of
all these people.

Stop for a minute.

- Oh.
- Oh, dear.

Here comes that Mrs.
Valance. Let's get out of here.

- Come on.
- Oh...

Oh, Countess? Countess?

Yes, my dear?

Countess, my husband and I
are going to France next month,

- and we would love to see your château.
- Oh.

How do we get there?

Well, it's rather
difficult to explain.

Let me see. You take the boat
train from Le Havre to Paris,

then you go south to
Marseille, then up to Lyon, and...

Uh, why don't you
draw her a map?

- A map?
- Yes, right here.

Oh, yes. Oh, that's
a marvelous idea.

Then I can explain here, yes.

Now, you take the boat
train from Le Havre to Paris.

- Oh!
- Now, while you're in Paris,

I would suggest that
you see the Eiffel Tower.

Oh, it's, it's higher.

It is higher.

It's very, uh... very tall.

And it has a very broad base.

Yes.

A very broad base.

Now don't, don't get it confused
with the Arc de Triomphe,

- which is shaped like this.
- Oh!

You should see
both of them, though.

Well, once you've
left Pa... left Paris,

- you go straight to Marseille, yes.
- Oh!

Then you go north to Lyon.

Oh, would you go south again?

No.

We are going to
take the scenic route.

You see, from Lyon, it's very
nice to take the scenic route,

which is perfectly charming -

and has all kinds of trees
and lovely, lovely countryside.

Oh, I adore that scenic route.

And then, uh, well, you
just ask anybody around,

and they will direct
you to my château.

Oh, thank you so much.

We're just itching
to get started.

Oh, oh, dear! Give me that trip

- through France again.
- No, no, I cannot stand here...

- Oh, what am I gonna do?
- I cannot stand here

- and scratch you all the time.
- I can't stand it!

I can't stand it.
I can't stand it!

Well, what can we do? Oh!

Listen, put some ice on my
back. Maybe that'll relieve it.

Yes, come on. Let's try that.

Here now. Right here
I'll try to find some.

Lucille, people are watching.

Oh, get me a big chunk.

Well, it's slippery.

I can't find any. Wait a minute.

Oh, let me get it.

- Let me get it.
- All right, you try.

Miss Lumpwhomper,
what are you doing?!

Uh, uh...

Oh, did you find
my earring, Liza?

Uh, what?

My earring. It dropped
in the punch bowl.

Oh, no, I haven't found it yet.

Yes, well, do try, my dear.

I-I... she's searching
for my earring.

I lost one, you see.

But Countess, you're
wearing your earrings.

Yes, well, it's a spare.

I always carry a spare.

My dear, never mind.

Just never mind.

I wonder if you'd mind
excusing us, please, Mrs. Dunbar.

Liza, I think we should go home.

No, no, I'll be all right.

If I could just find someplace

to hide for some
uninterrupted scratching.

I know, but there's
people in every room.

Well, I'll find a place.

We-We've almost got
these people convinced.

- We don't want to do anything wrong now.
- No.

We'll have to
start from scratch.

- Oh...
- Oh, why did I say that?

Countess, Countess?

Yes, my dear?

Where is Miss Lumpwhomper?

Well, I'm not sure.

I think she's around
here somewhere.

Well, it's time to
unveil the statue.

Oh, dear. Well, uh...

Attention, everybody!

Everybody, gather round!

Gather round, everybody!

It's unveiling time!

The new work by that great
futuristic sculptor, Garbanzo.

Oh! Oh!

- My precious statue!
- Oh, oh!

Oh!

- Here, I'll give you a hand.
- You!

You blundering boob!

It's all your fault, Countess!

This is nothing but a
slovenly charwoman!

She'll never be anything else!

Now... just a minute!

Now, just a minute.

We have to remember our manners.

Our manners?

Yes, a real lady knows

there's a proper
time for everything.

And that was the proper
time for that, fat lady.

Fred!

Shut up, Dora!

Oh, Fred!

Now, honeykins,
where does it itch?

Right at the base
of the Eiffel Tower.

Oh, here we go!

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