The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 18 - Lucy and the Monsters - full transcript
The boys are unaffected by the horror flicks they see at movies, but Lucy and are scared stupid. In Lucy's nightmare, she and Viv break down at Dracula's castle and are tormented by his werewolf butler Ringo and gorilla maid Loret...
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(Vivian sighs)
What are you reading, Lucy?
"Psychological
Reactions in Adolescents
to Terror-inspiring
Visual Stimulation."
Well, I'll try again.
What are you reading, Lucy?
Now, Viv, stop joking.
This is serious.
Serious? Oh, that's a
real knee-slapping title.
Listen to this.
Now, this article states
"The overabundance
of spooky stuff in movies
and TV can cause traumatic
experiences in our youngsters."
What got you
started on this kick?
Do you know where Jerry and
Sherman are this afternoon?
Yeah, they went to
see the movies. Why?
You know what
movies they're seeing?
Oh, probably a couple
of cowboy pictures.
They are at the State Theater
seeing The Surfing Werewolf...
which is on a double bill
with The Eggplant
That Ate Philadelphia.
(laughs)
Now, does that sound like
a couple of cowboy movies?
Well, now, maybe
the eggplant rode
into Philadelphia on a horse.
Oh, Viv, go ahead
and make jokes,
but I am reading this
article because, as a mother,
I am very concerned.
Now, listen, I'm just as
much a mother as you are.
I just don't happen to agree
with you nor that article.
Don't you think that those
movies are affecting our kids?
Not one teeny-weeny little bit.
(Sherman roaring)
(ray gun zapping)
Kill, kill, kill!
Stay back or I'll turn
you into a vampire.
(roars)
Keep away!
(boys yelling)
I'll bet your son taught
my son to do that.
If that was my son
under that mask.
Now, you know darn good and well
that Jerry didn't teach
Sherman anything.
They got all that from
those horror movies.
That-That's a horror
hootenanny that they learned.
Oh, you know, they
were just playing.
Oh, playing.
Oh, those horror
movies aren't so bad.
They don't make the kids
steal or run away from home.
Yeah, some night
when there's a full moon,
they might fly away from home.
Oh...
No, really, Viv, I think that
you and I should go see
some of these horror movies
and decide for ourselves
whether they're bad
for the kids or not.
Okay, I haven't seen
a movie with a monster
since Gone With The Wind.
There was no monster
in Gone With The Wind.
You didn't see my date.
Well, I guess if we're
gonna go to the movies,
we'll have to hire a babysitter.
I'm not even sure I can find
a babysitter at this late date.
(doorbell rings)
Come in.
Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.
- Hi, there.
- Ladies.
I was on my way home
and brought your monthly
bank statement over.
Well, thank you, but couldn't
you have just mailed it?
Mail your bank statement?
Don't you know it's illegal
to send questionable
matter through the mail?
Wait a minute.
Why don't you list
my bank balance?
We didn't want to embarrass you.
It's that low, huh?
Lower than an ankle
bracelet on a flatfooted pygmy.
Well, that's really low.
But, you know, we had a
lot of expenses this month.
We had to have the TV man
here and the carpenter and...
Oh, and then there was that
cute plumber who was here twice
before we found
out he was married.
You-You don't require all
those professional services.
What do you mean?
Well, why don't you
call on your friends
or your neighbors if you
need something done?
You mean like babysitting?
Exactly.
You know, Mr. Mooney,
Vivian and I consider you
one of our closest friends.
You do?
Oh, yes, we do, Mr. Mooney.
Yes, and it just so happens
that we need a
babysitter tonight,
and inasmuch as you think that
we should call on our neighbors
- and our friends,
so we would - I'll do it.
Be able to save a little money,
- I thought perhaps if I, uh...
- I'll do it.
What'd he say?
He says he'll do it.
You mean you'll really
babysit for us tonight?
Certainly.
Anything's better than
sitting at home with my wife.
(all chattering)
(thunder crashes)
Oh, gosh, what a
spooky double feature!
I was scared to death!
Oh, all those monsters
and werewolves and
man-eating plants,
and then all that
thunder and lightning.
I didn't think we'd
ever get home safe.
Neither did I.
It was pretty tough
trying to drive that car
with you sitting on my lap.
I was so scared
when that man-eating
plant reached out...
(screaming)
(gasping): Oh! Oh! Oh!
No wonder you have
trouble getting babysitters.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney.
We're just a little on edge.
Have you seen The Eggplant
That Ate Philadelphia?
I didn't even know that
Philadelphia had been eaten.
Oh, now, wait a minute.
She's talking about a
spooky movie we just saw.
Yes, and it just
scared me to death.
Well, doesn't surprise me.
Well, good night, ladies.
Oh, Mr. Mooney, do you
really have to go now?
Yes, yes.
After 11:00, my wife
sends the dog out for me.
Oh, please, can't you just
stay a little while and chat?
Now, look, will you just forget
those horror movies you saw?
You're letting your
imagination run away with you.
Good night, ladies.
VIVIAN: Night.
(humming "Funeral March")
(thunder crashes)
It isn't a fit night out
for man nor beast!
(laughs maniacally)
Oh, he's a great comfort.
Come on. Let's go to bed.
Viv, I'm afraid to go upstairs.
Oh, now, don't be such a coward.
So you saw a couple
of spooky movies.
You'll get over it. Come
on. Let's go to sleep.
But, Viv, I'm afraid!
Don't be such a baby, now.
Come on!
I'm not a baby!
I won't go in my room unless
you promise to sleep with me.
Now, what good will it
do if I sleep in your room?
Well, that'll scare
the monsters away.
Well, I mean, with you there,
a monster wouldn't dare...
Oh, Viv, I mean... we
could protect each other.
You know what I mean.
Please, Viv, sleep in my room.
Okay, if it'll make you
feel any better. Come on.
Okay, Viv. Viv?
Huh?
Take ahold of my hand.
Hold your hand?!
Yeah, and then I
won't be frightened.
Oh, all right.
Come on, honey.
Okay.
(thunder crashes)
- (ray gun zapping)
- Go away! Go away!
Go away!
- (knocking)
- Who is it?
It's Vivian!
Vivian who?
You open this door now or
I'm gonna sleep in my own bed.
Okay.
Okay, hurry up.
Oh, honest to good...
- Hurry up, hurry up.
- Oh!
What is all that junk?
This is one of
Jerry's tent stakes
to drive through
a vampire's heart.
And this is a garlic necklace.
Garlic wards off evil spirits.
It wards off anyone.
Boy, I wish I'd had one of those
when I was married
to my ex-husband.
Oh, Viv.
What are you doing with
that silly little toy gun?
I'm not taking any chances.
Oh, honest.
Well, I'm not gonna let
this spooky stuff get to me.
Now, let's go to
bed and go to creep.
Uh, sleep, sleep, sleep!
- Viv!
- What?
Don't turn off the lights.
Leave the lights on, Viv.
Please?
We're gonna sleep all
night with the lights on
- because you happen to be...?
- Please?
Please, Viv,
leave the lights on?
Oh, I can't sleep with
the light... Oh, all right.
Please?
- Viv?
- Uh-huh?
I was just thinking.
Any old eggplant
that ate Philadelphia
could certainly eat
through that lock.
Let's put something
in front of the door.
Oh, come on, now, Lucy.
Please? Please?
I'll feel safer, Viv.
Oh, my. I should have
slept in my own room.
I wasn't scared, but
you're driving me to it.
Get over there.
Now push.
Be careful. Don't
jiggle it too much.
Just push straight ahead.
Don't lean on it,
honey! Push it!
What do you got
in this thing, bricks?
Be careful.
There.
Are we through or would
you like to build a moat?
Come on. Let's go to bed.
(thunder crashes)
(screaming)
What's the matter?!
What's the matter?!
I landed on the tent stake!
Oh!
I'm surprised the
bed didn't collapse.
Oh!
Now nothing will surprise me.
- Viv?
- Huh?
We ought to get up and fix this.
Oh, no, I like sleeping
here in this long pine box.
Oh, stop talking like that,
Viv, for heaven's sake.
I won't be able to sleep a wink.
(thunder crashes)
- Viv?
- What?
I wonder what made
the bed collapse.
Maybe the monster
termites ate it.
Gosh, all those vampires
and batmen and...
Oh, dear!
And that 500-pound turkey
that ate people on Thanksgiving.
Oh!
(thunder crashes)
(thunder crashes)
(door creaks)
(door latch clanks)
(screams)
(coughing)
I simply must give up smoking.
Good evening, ladies.
Uh, good evening.
Our, our car broke down,
and-and we'd like to
use your telephone.
(laughs maniacally)
Ah, that's what they all say.
(laughs)
Well, we were very lucky
that we saw the lights
in-in your windows.
And, uh, it's terrible out.
Oh, yes, it's not a fit
night out for man nor...
It's not nice out.
Not yet... Ringo.
(screams)
Permit me to introduce myself.
I am Count Dracula.
How do you do.
You know, he looks
a lot like Mr. Mooney.
He does look like Mr. Mooney.
Mr. Mooney?
Yes, Mr. Mooney's a banker.
Well, in a way, so am I.
I run a blood bank.
Well, sir, if-if we could
just use your phone,
then we-we'll go.
Certainly you may
use the telephone.
Thank you.
But... it would be inhospitable
of me to let you go out
into the storm without
a cup of hot tea.
Oh, well, that's, that's,
that-that, that's very nice,
but we-we don't want
to be any b-bother.
Oh, no, we're teetotalers.
(Lucy laughs)
(Dracula groaning eerily)
Sit down!
Ringo, serve the tea.
(chuckles)
Oh, I am so sorry.
There are no tea cakes.
Oh, that's all right.
- We-We don't want any tea cakes.
- Oh, no, no, no. No, no.
I will have the maid bring some.
(bell tolling)
Drat that maid!
She never hears the bell.
Ringo.
Call the maid.
(howls)
Would you please bring
some tea cakes, Loretta?
(gorilla grunts)
Ah! Here is your tea.
(chuckles)
There you are.
Uh-huh. Thank you.
Uh, Ringo,
how long did you brew this tea?
One year.
A year.
Just the way I
like it... Instant tea.
Drink up, ladies, drink up.
(sighs): Ah!
Drat that girl!
She hasn't brought those cakes!
Will you excuse me, lady?
I'll have to go and
get them myself.
Good.
Heavens to beastie.
The help nowadays. Ugh!
- (door closes)
- Let's get rid of this tea.
- Throw it back here.
- Let's put it somewhere...
Throw it in here, in the plants.
Yes, hurry, hurry!
He didn't like it either!
Come on. Let's make that
phone call and get out of here.
- Yes.
- Where can the phone be?
MALE VOICE: In the
telephone booth, stupid.
Who said that?
I did.
Over here on the wall.
Who-Who... are you?
I'm the head of the house.
Well, uh, where-where
did you say the phone is?
Right over there.
Oh. Oh, thanks a lot, sir.
It's all right.
Oh, here it is.
(screaming)
Oh, boy, he sure
has been waiting
a long time for his number.
Come on, Lucy.
Let's get out of here.
Yeah.
Come on, Viv!
(creature moaning)
(Lucy screaming)
(Lucy sobbing)
What was that?!
It wasn't the Good Fairy.
How are we gonna
get out of here?
Hey, come here.
Why don't you try the
secret passageway?
Oh, is there a
secret passageway?
There's always a
secret passageway.
It's a panel. It's usually
around a fireplace.
- Remember?
- Yeah.
It has a button or a panel,
and you have to go around,
and you find the panel, and
suddenly something opens up.
- And then you can go, and you can escape.
- Yeah.
- Viv, look in here.
- Look in the...
I'll look on the outside,
you look on the inside.
Viv, let's hold hands so
we don't get separated.
It's not around there.
Gotta be around here
someplace, though.
No, I think it's gonna
be on the fireplace.
That's for sure.
Viv, how long since
you've had a manicure?
There's no secret passageway
in the fireplace, Lucy.
Well, it's gotta be
around here someplace.
Let's go. Let's
find it. Let's look.
(both shriek)
It's not there.
Oh, dear, oh, Viv.
(Lucy screams)
Going somewhere, ladies?
W-We were just looking around.
Oh, yeah, it's a nice
place you have here.
Yes.
Well, please make
yourselves comfortable.
Please.
That's right. Sit on the couch.
You sit over here
in the morris chair.
(shrieks)
Morris, Morris, behave
yourself! Let me go!
Morris, Morris!
- Morris, let me go!
- Morris, you take your hands off of her!
- Morris, stop that!
- Let me go, Morris!
Don't you let go of her, Morris!
Hold her until the
operating room is ready.
LUCY & VIVIAN: Operating room?
Yes. Servants
are so hard to find,
I have decided to convert you
into a housekeeper and a cook.
- (chuckles)
- Oh, no, you don't. Oh, no!
(both screaming)
Oh, Lucy!
(oscillating tones)
Table for two? Right this way.
(panting)
Please, mummy,
I'd rather do it myself!
And now to turn on the
electric dehumanizer.
(laughs maniacally)
(oscillating tones)
Well, they should
be done by now.
And if the operation
is a success,
we will have a perfect
housekeeper and a perfect cook.
Dinner is served.
(Lucy and Vivian cackling)
LUCY & VIVIAN: Double,
double, toil and trouble,
fire burn and cauldron bubble.
(both cackle)
DRACULA: You may
serve the dinner, pretty one.
LUCY & VIVIAN: All right, sire.
He was talking to me.
I'm the pretty one.
Oh, he was talking to me.
I'm prettier than you.
- No, you're not prettier...
- I am prettier than you.
Sassafrasa, I'm the pretty one.
- I'm prettier than you.
- Ladies, ladies...
I'm the pretty one, Sassafrasa.
Ladies, ladies,
please don't argue.
Why don't you ask the
magic mirror on the wall?
Well, that's a swell idea.
We'll ask...
- I'm the pretty...
- We'll ask the mirror.
I'm gonna tell you
which is the pretty one.
You'll see I'm...
LUCY & VIVIAN:
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who's the fairest of them all?
Well, I guess it's a tossup.
(large bell rings loudly)
Yes, sir?
All righty!
(cackles)
You rang, sire?
Yes, you may
serve the first course.
All righty, sire.
The first course will
be your last course.
(both cackle)
Uh, what is in
your witch's brew?
Oh, I'm so glad you asked.
It's octopus seasoned
with a dash of iodine.
And a pinch of strychnine.
That's where the vitamins are.
Ah, it sounds delicious.
Oh, it is, it is, it is.
Witch's brew, witch's brew.
Say, sire, can we get
Thursdays and every Sunday off?
Yeah, no, no.
You only get every
other full moon.
- Oh!
- Oh, sorry,
we can't stick around for that.
Come on,
Sassafrasa, let's go out
and paint the town black.
Paint the town black!
Come on, kiddie,
let's go dancing!
(both cackle)
Stop!
Don't let them escape!
(all clamoring)
♪ Swing your partner,
don't be a fool ♪
♪ With a do-si-do
and a happy ghoul ♪
♪ With an allemande left
and an allemande right ♪
♪ Let's all go round
a-haunting tonight ♪
♪ We'll all join hands,
we don't like to boast ♪
♪ We do our best,
now, do-si-do ♪
♪ Well, swing your
partner, don't be a fool ♪
♪ With a do-si-do
and a happy ghoul ♪
♪ With an allemande left
and an allemande right ♪
♪ Let's all go round
a-haunting tonight ♪
♪ We'll all join hands,
we don't like to boast ♪
♪ We do our best,
well, do-si-do ♪
♪ With an allemande left
and an allemande right ♪
♪ Let's all go round... ♪
VIVIAN: A mouse!
LUCY: A mouse! A real mouse!
- A mouse?!
- (music stops)
A mouse! A mouse!
A mouse!
Oh, a mouse!
A mouse!
Viv! Oh, Viv!
What's with you?
What's the matter?
I had the most
horrible nightmare.
Mooney was Dracula,
and you and I were witches.
What are you doing
with that broom?
I came downstairs
to get a snack,
and I spilled some crackers.
Well, now maybe we
can get some sleep.
No, no, I'm too
nervous to sleep now.
- (knocking)
- What's that?
What's that?
(wind whistling)
(imitating Dracula):
Good evening.
My car broke down.
Permit me to use your telephone.
(both screaming and yelling)
(screaming and yelling continue)
(normal voice):
Calm down, ladies.
Our car broke down on the
way home from a costume party.
Oh.
Oh, a co... a costume party.
Oh, it's a costume party.
Can I use your phone?
- Oh, yes, yes.
- Oh, yes.
- Yeah, oh, my.
- Yeah, sure...
(indistinct chatter)
ANNOUNCER: has
been brought to you by
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Both fine products
from General Foods.
Who are the real-world Illuminati ?
Find out @ saveanilluminati.com
Who are the real-world Illuminati ?
Find out @ saveanilluminati.com
Brought to you by
Post, the cereals that start
your day a little bit better.
And new Jell-O Whip 'n Chill.
Both fine products
from General Foods.
(Vivian sighs)
What are you reading, Lucy?
"Psychological
Reactions in Adolescents
to Terror-inspiring
Visual Stimulation."
Well, I'll try again.
What are you reading, Lucy?
Now, Viv, stop joking.
This is serious.
Serious? Oh, that's a
real knee-slapping title.
Listen to this.
Now, this article states
"The overabundance
of spooky stuff in movies
and TV can cause traumatic
experiences in our youngsters."
What got you
started on this kick?
Do you know where Jerry and
Sherman are this afternoon?
Yeah, they went to
see the movies. Why?
You know what
movies they're seeing?
Oh, probably a couple
of cowboy pictures.
They are at the State Theater
seeing The Surfing Werewolf...
which is on a double bill
with The Eggplant
That Ate Philadelphia.
(laughs)
Now, does that sound like
a couple of cowboy movies?
Well, now, maybe
the eggplant rode
into Philadelphia on a horse.
Oh, Viv, go ahead
and make jokes,
but I am reading this
article because, as a mother,
I am very concerned.
Now, listen, I'm just as
much a mother as you are.
I just don't happen to agree
with you nor that article.
Don't you think that those
movies are affecting our kids?
Not one teeny-weeny little bit.
(Sherman roaring)
(ray gun zapping)
Kill, kill, kill!
Stay back or I'll turn
you into a vampire.
(roars)
Keep away!
(boys yelling)
I'll bet your son taught
my son to do that.
If that was my son
under that mask.
Now, you know darn good and well
that Jerry didn't teach
Sherman anything.
They got all that from
those horror movies.
That-That's a horror
hootenanny that they learned.
Oh, you know, they
were just playing.
Oh, playing.
Oh, those horror
movies aren't so bad.
They don't make the kids
steal or run away from home.
Yeah, some night
when there's a full moon,
they might fly away from home.
Oh...
No, really, Viv, I think that
you and I should go see
some of these horror movies
and decide for ourselves
whether they're bad
for the kids or not.
Okay, I haven't seen
a movie with a monster
since Gone With The Wind.
There was no monster
in Gone With The Wind.
You didn't see my date.
Well, I guess if we're
gonna go to the movies,
we'll have to hire a babysitter.
I'm not even sure I can find
a babysitter at this late date.
(doorbell rings)
Come in.
Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.
- Hi, there.
- Ladies.
I was on my way home
and brought your monthly
bank statement over.
Well, thank you, but couldn't
you have just mailed it?
Mail your bank statement?
Don't you know it's illegal
to send questionable
matter through the mail?
Wait a minute.
Why don't you list
my bank balance?
We didn't want to embarrass you.
It's that low, huh?
Lower than an ankle
bracelet on a flatfooted pygmy.
Well, that's really low.
But, you know, we had a
lot of expenses this month.
We had to have the TV man
here and the carpenter and...
Oh, and then there was that
cute plumber who was here twice
before we found
out he was married.
You-You don't require all
those professional services.
What do you mean?
Well, why don't you
call on your friends
or your neighbors if you
need something done?
You mean like babysitting?
Exactly.
You know, Mr. Mooney,
Vivian and I consider you
one of our closest friends.
You do?
Oh, yes, we do, Mr. Mooney.
Yes, and it just so happens
that we need a
babysitter tonight,
and inasmuch as you think that
we should call on our neighbors
- and our friends,
so we would - I'll do it.
Be able to save a little money,
- I thought perhaps if I, uh...
- I'll do it.
What'd he say?
He says he'll do it.
You mean you'll really
babysit for us tonight?
Certainly.
Anything's better than
sitting at home with my wife.
(all chattering)
(thunder crashes)
Oh, gosh, what a
spooky double feature!
I was scared to death!
Oh, all those monsters
and werewolves and
man-eating plants,
and then all that
thunder and lightning.
I didn't think we'd
ever get home safe.
Neither did I.
It was pretty tough
trying to drive that car
with you sitting on my lap.
I was so scared
when that man-eating
plant reached out...
(screaming)
(gasping): Oh! Oh! Oh!
No wonder you have
trouble getting babysitters.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney.
We're just a little on edge.
Have you seen The Eggplant
That Ate Philadelphia?
I didn't even know that
Philadelphia had been eaten.
Oh, now, wait a minute.
She's talking about a
spooky movie we just saw.
Yes, and it just
scared me to death.
Well, doesn't surprise me.
Well, good night, ladies.
Oh, Mr. Mooney, do you
really have to go now?
Yes, yes.
After 11:00, my wife
sends the dog out for me.
Oh, please, can't you just
stay a little while and chat?
Now, look, will you just forget
those horror movies you saw?
You're letting your
imagination run away with you.
Good night, ladies.
VIVIAN: Night.
(humming "Funeral March")
(thunder crashes)
It isn't a fit night out
for man nor beast!
(laughs maniacally)
Oh, he's a great comfort.
Come on. Let's go to bed.
Viv, I'm afraid to go upstairs.
Oh, now, don't be such a coward.
So you saw a couple
of spooky movies.
You'll get over it. Come
on. Let's go to sleep.
But, Viv, I'm afraid!
Don't be such a baby, now.
Come on!
I'm not a baby!
I won't go in my room unless
you promise to sleep with me.
Now, what good will it
do if I sleep in your room?
Well, that'll scare
the monsters away.
Well, I mean, with you there,
a monster wouldn't dare...
Oh, Viv, I mean... we
could protect each other.
You know what I mean.
Please, Viv, sleep in my room.
Okay, if it'll make you
feel any better. Come on.
Okay, Viv. Viv?
Huh?
Take ahold of my hand.
Hold your hand?!
Yeah, and then I
won't be frightened.
Oh, all right.
Come on, honey.
Okay.
(thunder crashes)
- (ray gun zapping)
- Go away! Go away!
Go away!
- (knocking)
- Who is it?
It's Vivian!
Vivian who?
You open this door now or
I'm gonna sleep in my own bed.
Okay.
Okay, hurry up.
Oh, honest to good...
- Hurry up, hurry up.
- Oh!
What is all that junk?
This is one of
Jerry's tent stakes
to drive through
a vampire's heart.
And this is a garlic necklace.
Garlic wards off evil spirits.
It wards off anyone.
Boy, I wish I'd had one of those
when I was married
to my ex-husband.
Oh, Viv.
What are you doing with
that silly little toy gun?
I'm not taking any chances.
Oh, honest.
Well, I'm not gonna let
this spooky stuff get to me.
Now, let's go to
bed and go to creep.
Uh, sleep, sleep, sleep!
- Viv!
- What?
Don't turn off the lights.
Leave the lights on, Viv.
Please?
We're gonna sleep all
night with the lights on
- because you happen to be...?
- Please?
Please, Viv,
leave the lights on?
Oh, I can't sleep with
the light... Oh, all right.
Please?
- Viv?
- Uh-huh?
I was just thinking.
Any old eggplant
that ate Philadelphia
could certainly eat
through that lock.
Let's put something
in front of the door.
Oh, come on, now, Lucy.
Please? Please?
I'll feel safer, Viv.
Oh, my. I should have
slept in my own room.
I wasn't scared, but
you're driving me to it.
Get over there.
Now push.
Be careful. Don't
jiggle it too much.
Just push straight ahead.
Don't lean on it,
honey! Push it!
What do you got
in this thing, bricks?
Be careful.
There.
Are we through or would
you like to build a moat?
Come on. Let's go to bed.
(thunder crashes)
(screaming)
What's the matter?!
What's the matter?!
I landed on the tent stake!
Oh!
I'm surprised the
bed didn't collapse.
Oh!
Now nothing will surprise me.
- Viv?
- Huh?
We ought to get up and fix this.
Oh, no, I like sleeping
here in this long pine box.
Oh, stop talking like that,
Viv, for heaven's sake.
I won't be able to sleep a wink.
(thunder crashes)
- Viv?
- What?
I wonder what made
the bed collapse.
Maybe the monster
termites ate it.
Gosh, all those vampires
and batmen and...
Oh, dear!
And that 500-pound turkey
that ate people on Thanksgiving.
Oh!
(thunder crashes)
(thunder crashes)
(door creaks)
(door latch clanks)
(screams)
(coughing)
I simply must give up smoking.
Good evening, ladies.
Uh, good evening.
Our, our car broke down,
and-and we'd like to
use your telephone.
(laughs maniacally)
Ah, that's what they all say.
(laughs)
Well, we were very lucky
that we saw the lights
in-in your windows.
And, uh, it's terrible out.
Oh, yes, it's not a fit
night out for man nor...
It's not nice out.
Not yet... Ringo.
(screams)
Permit me to introduce myself.
I am Count Dracula.
How do you do.
You know, he looks
a lot like Mr. Mooney.
He does look like Mr. Mooney.
Mr. Mooney?
Yes, Mr. Mooney's a banker.
Well, in a way, so am I.
I run a blood bank.
Well, sir, if-if we could
just use your phone,
then we-we'll go.
Certainly you may
use the telephone.
Thank you.
But... it would be inhospitable
of me to let you go out
into the storm without
a cup of hot tea.
Oh, well, that's, that's,
that-that, that's very nice,
but we-we don't want
to be any b-bother.
Oh, no, we're teetotalers.
(Lucy laughs)
(Dracula groaning eerily)
Sit down!
Ringo, serve the tea.
(chuckles)
Oh, I am so sorry.
There are no tea cakes.
Oh, that's all right.
- We-We don't want any tea cakes.
- Oh, no, no, no. No, no.
I will have the maid bring some.
(bell tolling)
Drat that maid!
She never hears the bell.
Ringo.
Call the maid.
(howls)
Would you please bring
some tea cakes, Loretta?
(gorilla grunts)
Ah! Here is your tea.
(chuckles)
There you are.
Uh-huh. Thank you.
Uh, Ringo,
how long did you brew this tea?
One year.
A year.
Just the way I
like it... Instant tea.
Drink up, ladies, drink up.
(sighs): Ah!
Drat that girl!
She hasn't brought those cakes!
Will you excuse me, lady?
I'll have to go and
get them myself.
Good.
Heavens to beastie.
The help nowadays. Ugh!
- (door closes)
- Let's get rid of this tea.
- Throw it back here.
- Let's put it somewhere...
Throw it in here, in the plants.
Yes, hurry, hurry!
He didn't like it either!
Come on. Let's make that
phone call and get out of here.
- Yes.
- Where can the phone be?
MALE VOICE: In the
telephone booth, stupid.
Who said that?
I did.
Over here on the wall.
Who-Who... are you?
I'm the head of the house.
Well, uh, where-where
did you say the phone is?
Right over there.
Oh. Oh, thanks a lot, sir.
It's all right.
Oh, here it is.
(screaming)
Oh, boy, he sure
has been waiting
a long time for his number.
Come on, Lucy.
Let's get out of here.
Yeah.
Come on, Viv!
(creature moaning)
(Lucy screaming)
(Lucy sobbing)
What was that?!
It wasn't the Good Fairy.
How are we gonna
get out of here?
Hey, come here.
Why don't you try the
secret passageway?
Oh, is there a
secret passageway?
There's always a
secret passageway.
It's a panel. It's usually
around a fireplace.
- Remember?
- Yeah.
It has a button or a panel,
and you have to go around,
and you find the panel, and
suddenly something opens up.
- And then you can go, and you can escape.
- Yeah.
- Viv, look in here.
- Look in the...
I'll look on the outside,
you look on the inside.
Viv, let's hold hands so
we don't get separated.
It's not around there.
Gotta be around here
someplace, though.
No, I think it's gonna
be on the fireplace.
That's for sure.
Viv, how long since
you've had a manicure?
There's no secret passageway
in the fireplace, Lucy.
Well, it's gotta be
around here someplace.
Let's go. Let's
find it. Let's look.
(both shriek)
It's not there.
Oh, dear, oh, Viv.
(Lucy screams)
Going somewhere, ladies?
W-We were just looking around.
Oh, yeah, it's a nice
place you have here.
Yes.
Well, please make
yourselves comfortable.
Please.
That's right. Sit on the couch.
You sit over here
in the morris chair.
(shrieks)
Morris, Morris, behave
yourself! Let me go!
Morris, Morris!
- Morris, let me go!
- Morris, you take your hands off of her!
- Morris, stop that!
- Let me go, Morris!
Don't you let go of her, Morris!
Hold her until the
operating room is ready.
LUCY & VIVIAN: Operating room?
Yes. Servants
are so hard to find,
I have decided to convert you
into a housekeeper and a cook.
- (chuckles)
- Oh, no, you don't. Oh, no!
(both screaming)
Oh, Lucy!
(oscillating tones)
Table for two? Right this way.
(panting)
Please, mummy,
I'd rather do it myself!
And now to turn on the
electric dehumanizer.
(laughs maniacally)
(oscillating tones)
Well, they should
be done by now.
And if the operation
is a success,
we will have a perfect
housekeeper and a perfect cook.
Dinner is served.
(Lucy and Vivian cackling)
LUCY & VIVIAN: Double,
double, toil and trouble,
fire burn and cauldron bubble.
(both cackle)
DRACULA: You may
serve the dinner, pretty one.
LUCY & VIVIAN: All right, sire.
He was talking to me.
I'm the pretty one.
Oh, he was talking to me.
I'm prettier than you.
- No, you're not prettier...
- I am prettier than you.
Sassafrasa, I'm the pretty one.
- I'm prettier than you.
- Ladies, ladies...
I'm the pretty one, Sassafrasa.
Ladies, ladies,
please don't argue.
Why don't you ask the
magic mirror on the wall?
Well, that's a swell idea.
We'll ask...
- I'm the pretty...
- We'll ask the mirror.
I'm gonna tell you
which is the pretty one.
You'll see I'm...
LUCY & VIVIAN:
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who's the fairest of them all?
Well, I guess it's a tossup.
(large bell rings loudly)
Yes, sir?
All righty!
(cackles)
You rang, sire?
Yes, you may
serve the first course.
All righty, sire.
The first course will
be your last course.
(both cackle)
Uh, what is in
your witch's brew?
Oh, I'm so glad you asked.
It's octopus seasoned
with a dash of iodine.
And a pinch of strychnine.
That's where the vitamins are.
Ah, it sounds delicious.
Oh, it is, it is, it is.
Witch's brew, witch's brew.
Say, sire, can we get
Thursdays and every Sunday off?
Yeah, no, no.
You only get every
other full moon.
- Oh!
- Oh, sorry,
we can't stick around for that.
Come on,
Sassafrasa, let's go out
and paint the town black.
Paint the town black!
Come on, kiddie,
let's go dancing!
(both cackle)
Stop!
Don't let them escape!
(all clamoring)
♪ Swing your partner,
don't be a fool ♪
♪ With a do-si-do
and a happy ghoul ♪
♪ With an allemande left
and an allemande right ♪
♪ Let's all go round
a-haunting tonight ♪
♪ We'll all join hands,
we don't like to boast ♪
♪ We do our best,
now, do-si-do ♪
♪ Well, swing your
partner, don't be a fool ♪
♪ With a do-si-do
and a happy ghoul ♪
♪ With an allemande left
and an allemande right ♪
♪ Let's all go round
a-haunting tonight ♪
♪ We'll all join hands,
we don't like to boast ♪
♪ We do our best,
well, do-si-do ♪
♪ With an allemande left
and an allemande right ♪
♪ Let's all go round... ♪
VIVIAN: A mouse!
LUCY: A mouse! A real mouse!
- A mouse?!
- (music stops)
A mouse! A mouse!
A mouse!
Oh, a mouse!
A mouse!
Viv! Oh, Viv!
What's with you?
What's the matter?
I had the most
horrible nightmare.
Mooney was Dracula,
and you and I were witches.
What are you doing
with that broom?
I came downstairs
to get a snack,
and I spilled some crackers.
Well, now maybe we
can get some sleep.
No, no, I'm too
nervous to sleep now.
- (knocking)
- What's that?
What's that?
(wind whistling)
(imitating Dracula):
Good evening.
My car broke down.
Permit me to use your telephone.
(both screaming and yelling)
(screaming and yelling continue)
(normal voice):
Calm down, ladies.
Our car broke down on the
way home from a costume party.
Oh.
Oh, a co... a costume party.
Oh, it's a costume party.
Can I use your phone?
- Oh, yes, yes.
- Oh, yes.
- Yeah, oh, my.
- Yeah, sure...
(indistinct chatter)
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