The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 13 - Lucy, the Coin Collector - full transcript

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The syrup with
real maple flavor.

From General Foods.

There's enough coffee
left for about one more cup.

You want it, Viv, or
shall I throw it out?

Uh, I haven't made
up my mind yet.

Well, since when does it
take a Supreme Court decision

about a cup of coffee?

No, I don't think so.



But on the other
hand, now, maybe I will.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, Viv, will you
make up your mind?

Do you want a cup
of coffee or don't you?

Huh?

Do you want some more coffee?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I
was going over my budget.

Yeah, I'll have
another cup of rust.

Very funny.

I told you the city's
working on the pipes.

That's sediment in the water.

Well, I hope so, but my
teeth are beginning to squeak.

Oh!

What's all that
figuring you're doing?



Oh, I'm just trying
to make up my mind

whether to buy
a new coat or not.

Well, if you can
afford it, buy it.

Well, it was either pay you
the rent or buy a new coat.

And thanks for
making up my mind.

Well, you can
just forget it, then,

and pay your rent!

Oh, okay.

I guess I can wear that faded,

shabby, ratty old
coat for one more year.

May I remind you
that that faded,

shabby, ratty old coat
happens to be mine?

Oh, I forgot that.

You forgot that, yeah.

- Well...
- Sheesh!

Be careful what you
throw down there, now.

You know how
temperamental that disposal is.

Lucy, why don't
you call a plumber?

Because I can't afford
a plumber. That's why.

Oh, it's stuck again.

Oh, darn it. Get me
the broom, will you?

Oh, I still don't see why
you don't call a plumber.

That thing never works
when you want it to.

It just goes on and off
like it had a mind of its own.

Oh, don't worry. I'll fix it.

There, that ought to do it.

There goes Old Faithful.

Oh, Lucy, when are you
going to call a plumber?

I feel like I'm living in
Yellowstone National Park.

If you would just stop
throwing chicken bones in there,

it wouldn't get clogged up.

Now, what would
you like for me to do,

eat the bones and
throw the meat in there?

I just ask you to be
careful. That's all.

Okay, okay. Whew!

Hey, Aunt Viv, remember that
penny you gave me last week?

Yes, I remember that penny.

Me and my wild impulses.

It says right here in
my coin collector's book

that it's worth 50 cents.

Oh, you're kidding. Really?

See here.

It's a 1927-S Lincoln penny.

Oh, Viv, he's right!

That penny's worth 50 cents!

Jerry, how about
splitting 50-50?

Oh, Viv!

Oh, I was only kidding.

Mom, I'm going right down

to the coin
dealer's and sell it.

Okay, honey, but you be
careful crossing Main Street.

Now that I've got 50
cents, I'll be extra careful.

Well, all right.

Let me see that book, girl.

Hey, look. There's a Lincoln
penny worth two dollars.

There's one worth ten dollars!

Lucy, listen to this.

There's an 1877 Indian
Head penny worth $800!

$800?

Oh!

Oh, let's see what
I got here, now.

Here's a penny. Here's a penny.

Oh, I don't have
any change at all.

Penny, penny. Let's see now.

- No.
- Let's see.

- How much is this dime worth?
- A dime?

Dime, dime, dime, dime!

Just a minute.

A dime.

A nickel.

Let me see what
this quarter's worth.

Now, wait just a minute
till I find about this nickel.

- No, no.
- Let me see what the quarter's worth.

Oh!

Oh, dear, and that's all I have.

Well, that cleans me out.

Oh, come on.

- We emptied that cookie jar two weeks ago.
- Yeah.

What about your
money for a rainy day?

It rained last week, remember?

Gee, what we need's
a big pile of money.

Then maybe we'd get lucky.

Oh, the only place you could get

a big pile of money
today is a bank.

Mooney!

Yeah!

Miss Ferguson?

Yes, Mr. Mooney?

Listen to what my
horoscope has to say today.

"Planetary influences favorable.

"Financial gain imminent.

A fine day for
harmonious relationships."

That sounds
promising, doesn't it?

- Are you sure this is today's paper?
- Yes.

Cancel my subscription.

Oh, Mr. Mooney?

No, you cannot have an
advance on your allowance.

No, you cannot make a withdrawal
on your Christmas club account.

And no, your insurance
dividend has not arrived.

Mr. Mooney, we are here
to make a business deal.

It is surefire, it cannot miss.

Good-bye, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, now, Mr. Mooney,
just a minute.

What kind of a banker are you?

You... you turn down a
gilt-edged business deal

without even knowing what it is.

Very well. What is it?

We want to borrow some money.

Everybody does.

How much do you want?

Well, uh, uh... $20?

Uh, we promise to pay the
loan back within 24 hours.

- With interest.
- Yes.

With interest?

Yes.

Oh, uh, what do you
have as collateral?

Oh, how about my watch?

Mickey Mouse is
one of my favorites.

Uh, I guess I put Jerry's
watch on by mistake.

- Yes.
- How about my watch?

My ex-husband gave it to
me for an anniversary present.

Those aren't real diamonds.

I know it. The only real thing

my ex-husband ever gave
me was a pain in the neck.

Uh, how about the two
watches and my compact?

Oh, you're not going to give
him your good jade compact?

Oh, that isn't jade. It's brass.

- It just turned that color.
- Lucy!

What else did you bring?

Well, let's see.
Here's three earrings.

Three earrings.

And I got a bowser bag with
some spaghetti and meatballs.

I want that.

Oh. And I have a
collapsible drinking cup.

And here's... here's
a jeweled garter.

And here's a locket
with Chris's hair.

And, oh, here's
Jerry's baby shoe.

It's already made into a bank.

Oh, and here is the medal I got

for winning the broad
jump in high school.

Now, that certainly
should be enough collateral

for a $20 loan, Mr. Mooney.

I have seen better collateral
in a gumball machine.

Oh, now, come on, Mr. Mooney.

Give us the $20.

I'll give you the $20 if you
get this junk off my desk.

- Marvelous! Fine.
- Oh, thank you!

Yes, step this way, ladies.

- Oh, great.
- Thank you.

Oh, hey, wait a
minute, that's mine.

What do you mean, that's yours?

It is mine. I loaned it
to you two years ago.

I've been wondering
where that drinking cup was.

- I'll just take that along.
- Oh, for heaven's sake, I forgot...

You know, you really thought
this was jade, didn't you?

You always told it was
jade. You said, "That's jade,"

when I wanted to
borrow it to take it out.

- Well, I didn't want you to lose it.
- That's my garter.

And that's yours. And
these are my three earrings.

Yeah, well, one of
those earrings is mine,

unless you have three ears.

- Oh, that one?
- Yes.

- Yes.
- Ladies?

Yes?

If you'll step this way,

we'll wind up this
financial folderol.

- Yes, sir.
- Good.

All right.

Uh, Bill, let me have $20.

Here you are.

All right, Mrs. Carmichael,
there's your money.

Thank you very much.

- VIVIAN and LUCY: Thank you.
- Good-bye.

- I'll sign for that later on.
- All right.

Uh, was there something
else I could do for you?

Uh, we just want to
change this $20 bill.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

How do you want
it... Ones, fives, tens?

- Pennies.
- Pennies.

Pennies?

Yes.

2,000 pennies?

Well, yeah, if that's
what it comes to.

If you're thinking of opening
a bingo parlor at your house,

may I point out
that it's illegal?

We are not thinking of
opening a bingo parlor.

Now, may we please
have our pennies?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, will you give me
2,000 pennies, please?

Pennies?!

Yeah, 2,000 pennies.

I hope you know
what you're doing.

Oh, we do. Don't we, Viv?

Oh, I should say we do.

Here you are.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, come on. Why couldn't we

have dropped it
in the living room?

My arm's coming
right out of the socket.

No, Viv, now, I want to put it
on the table where we can work.

Oh, let's put it down
on the floor, Lucy.

Oh, Viv, don't put it down!

We won't be able
to lift it up again!

Come on, now.

I'm going to swing
it up on the table.

- And when I say three, swing it up.
- All right.

And a one, and a two,

and a...

Oh, Viv!

Oh, Viv!

Why didn't you wait
until I counted to three?!

I thought I did wait.

Well, you didn't.

Look at this mess.

2,000 pennies all
over the kitchen.

Well, I'll clean them up, Lucy.

- Oh, for heaven's sake.
- I'll clean them up.

Here. Now, let's see.

Oh!

One, two, three...

four, five, six,

- seven, eight, nine...
- Oh, Viv. Viv!

It'll take forever
to do it that way.

Well, I'll get a broom

- and-and sweep them...
- Never mind.

I got a better idea.

Get that bench out of the way.

Okay.

Good heavens.

"I thought I did wait
till you said three."

Viv, plug that in over there.

Did I miss any, Viv?

No, sir. When it
comes to finding money,

we're better than the FBI.

Okay, you're going to
have to help me here.

- Hold onto this. It's so heavy.
- Okay.

I'll pull it out up here.

- Then we got to take it off.
- Oh, boy.

- Ooh!
- Oh!

- Got it? Got it?
- Yeah.

- Can you get the bottom?
- Yeah, uh-huh.

Oh, boy.

I got it. I got it.

Oh, Lucy, why didn't you
empty the dirt out of it?

For heaven's sake, I
can't think of everything.

Oh, now we'll have
to put them in the sink.

Okay.

Take it easy, now.

We don't want another disaster.

Now, when I count
to three, we'll...

No. Never mind. Forget it.

Okay. Wait.

Oh! Oh, dear!

Oh, Lucy, they're so dirty,

we'll never be able to
read the dates on them.

Well, we'll just have to
clean them. That's all.

Yeah?

I'll wash, and you dry.

There we are.

That's some nice clean money.

There we are.

You are not cleaning
those one at a time, are you?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, Viv.
Can't you go any faster?

No, I can't go any faster.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Well, there goes
Old Faithful again.

Well, don't just stand
there. Do something!

Well, how about my
singing a couple of choruses

- of "Pennies From Heaven"?
- Oh, for heaven's sake!

Or "Three Coins in a Fountain."

Never mind!

Vivian, stop blinking.

I told you, it looks awful.

I can't help it.

I got all kinds of spots
in front of my eyes.

And they all look like pennies.

I looked at just as
many pennies as you did,

and I'm not blinking.

Lucy, let's just turn this
in and go home, huh?

Nothing doing.

Now, according to
the law of averages,

we should find a valuable
penny in the next batch.

Oh, Mr. Mooney won't
even give us another batch

when he finds out that
the garbage disposal

scalped most of those Indians.

Oh, he probably won't
even look in the bag,

- for heaven's sake. Come on.
- Uh-oh.

- Oh...
- The cash-and-carry girls.

Mr. Mooney, here's the
$20 that we borrowed.

We are returning it.

Well! That's the
best news I've heard

since my wife had laryngitis.

We kept our word, didn't we?

- Yes.
- Yeah, are you proud of us?

Oh, yes, yes. That's the way to
keep your standing in the bank.

Uh-huh, and our
credit is still good?

- Oh, yes.
- Yeah, well, fine.

Now we'd like to borrow $50.

$50? What do you
have as collateral?

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, let's not go
through that again.

Now, Mr. Mooney,

we proved that we are reliable,

and-and if we're going to get
anywhere at all in our business,

we cannot possibly
start with less than $50.

- $50 is the absolute minimum.
- Yes.

I'll give you $20.

- We'll take it.
- We'll take it.

Uh, how... how do you
want the money this time?

In pennies.

- Pennies?
- Yes.

Another 2,000 pennies?!

What-what-what's
wrong with these?

They were dirty.

Yeah, yeah, I'm very surprised

at a respectable bank
giving out dirty money.

Yeah. We won't
spread it around town

if you'll just give
us 2,000 more.

- No, we won't tell anybody.
- Very well.

But this is the last time.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Uh, Jim, another sack
of 2,000 pennies, please.

- Pennies?
- Pennies.

Lucy, honestly, I don't think

I can lug a bag full of
pennies home again.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Hey, maybe we
could use this table.

- Mr. Mooney?
- Uh, what-what now?

Uh, could we use
an end of this table?

We won't bother anybody.

Those tables are reserved

for the exclusive
use of our customers.

Oh, heaven help
me, you're a customer.

Look, would you tell me

why you want this
$20 in pennies?

Why not dimes, quarters, halves?

I can't afford it.

Well, you ask a stupid
question, you get a stupid answer.

Here you are, Mr. Mooney.

- Oh, fine.
- Oh, thank you.

Aah! Don't you touch that!

I remember the last time.

I'll do it for you.

- Okay.
- Here we are.

The pain! Oh, the pain!

1944.

No.

1945-D.

No.

Oh, Viv, can't you ever say yes?

Yeah, when the
right man asks me.

1950. No?

No.

1912-S. No?

Yes.

1940.

Viv, did you say yes?

Yes!

- Yes, yes, yes!
- 1912-S.

Yes! Oh, oh, that
penny's worth $16.50.

- $16.50!
- And 50 cents!

- We got one!
- That penny! We got one!

We got one!

We got one!

We got one! We got one!

Ladies, please!

Control yourselves!
Please! Please!

Please! Ladies!
Ladies! Watch it!

What do you think this
is, a Watusi festival?

Oh, but, Mr. Mooney,
we found one!

You found one what?

A penny worth $16.50!

- A penny worth $16.50?
- That's right!

And look, Mr. Mooney, right
here, there are 1,999 pennies.

Now, let's see,
what do we owe you?

Well, now, we owe him a penny
for that one that we're taking.

- That's right.
- And we owe him

three cents interest;
that's four cents.

Four cents. All
right, my good man.

Here is a nickel.

Keep the change, and
thank you very much!

♪♪

Isn't it amazing, Viv,
this is an ordinary penny,

but it's worth $16.50.

Ah!

- That's $8.25 apiece.
- That's right!

Hey, we ought to do
something to celebrate... let's eat.

Okay. We'll eat right after
we exchange the penny.

Oh, no, Lucy, let's eat now.

I'd like a great
big banana split

and a double
chocolate malt, huh?

No, Viv. We'll get
the $16.50 first,

and then we'll eat.

- Now, come on.
- No, Lucy. Come on.

Let's eat first, huh?

All right, we'll let our
lucky penny decide.

I'll flip it.

And heads, we exchange first,

- and tails, we eat first.
- Okay.

Okay, here we go.

- Hi, Lucy.
- Oh, hi...

Hi, Sid. -Lucy!

Lucy, you dropped it!

- Oh!
- It went down the storm drain!

- Oh, no, it didn't!
- It did, too.

- It went right down the storm drain!
- Oh, no!

Now, there was a
penny worth $16.50!

- Oh, no!
- We'll never get it out of there!

After we worked so hard, too.

- Oh, gosh, Viv.
- First, we had to get that loan

from Mr. Mooney.

Then we had to lug
all those pennies home.

Oh, I know... I know, Viv.

I didn't mean to drop it down...

Then we had to pick
them all up off of the floor.

I know, and all we went
through to get it and everything.

And then we had to
clean them all and...

then we got them stuck
in the garbage disposal.

- Oh, for heaven's sake.
- We went through

that whole thing, and now you've

- gone and dropped the penny.
- I know it, Viv. I know.

I'm sorry.

What's the matter, lady?

I lost my penny!

Did she say she lost her penny?

- That's exactly what she said.
- Yeah.

Well, that's the
first time in my life

I've ever seen a grown
woman cry over a lost penny.

Stick around, you're
going to see two of us bawl,

'cause half of that
penny was mine.

- Lady, lady, lady.
- What?

If... if you stop crying,
I'll give you a dime.

I don't want your dime!

Now, you see what happened?

I wanted to eat first.

Now, if you'd have
gone with me to eat first

instead of flipping that
penny up in the air...

- Lucy! Lucy, I see it!
- What? Where?

- It's right down there.
- Where?

Right down there
by a gum wrapper.

Now, you see, there's a
silver gum wrapper, see?

- Where? Where?
- Right down there.

See over there by
that gum wrapper?

- Yeah.
- See right there?

See the silver one?

- Oh, yeah!
- Right by the red one down there.

- Yeah, I see it.
- It's right in between.

- Put your hand down
there - Yeah, I see it.

- And see if you can get it.
- I don't know

- if I can reach it or not.
- Can you reach it?

Come on, try. Maybe... let
me stretch your arm, huh?

What do you think
I am, a gorilla?

- Oh, come on, Lucy, try.
- Okay.

All right, folks,
come on, break it up.

I don't know if I
can reach it, Viv.

If I... if I could
keep my eye...

if I could point to
where it is, see...

Well, I can still see
it, Viv. I just can't...

Hey, you!

I just can't reach it.

- That's all.
- You, down there!

Somebody talk...?

Oh, no, it's you two again?

Well, I lost my p...

Yeah, I know, lady. I know.

- You lost your penny.
- Yes.

Have you two been
hitting the happy sauce?

Officer, we have
not been drinking.

Come on, Lucy, we don't have
to stay here and be insulted.

No, we certainly do not!

May I remind you
that it's people like us

who pay your salary?

And don't you forget it!

"Happy sauce."

Just because we happen
to be lying in the gutter.

Oh, this is a great
idea; I just hope it works.

Oh, nobody's paying
any attention to us.

We look like workmen, don't we?

With manicures?

- Well, put your glove on!
- Oh, my glove. Yeah.

Yeah, come on, let's get going.

Well, one of us has
got to go down there.

Yeah.

- Hey. Looks like I'm elected.
- Huh?

Oh.

Oh, fine, okay.

- You still see it?
- Yeah, it's still down there.

Now, you know... now, you
know right where it is, now, Lucy?

- Yeah, I can see it.
- Now, hurry up, now,

'cause I'm getting nervous.

You're nervous? I'm afraid

I'm going to get the bends.

Okay, you ready?

- Yeah. Will you hold on to me?
- Sure.

I'll get your feet.
I'll get your...

Oh, hiya, fellas.

- What's up?
- Oh, uh...

Hi There. Why,
hi there, Officer.

- Hi, Officer.
- Well, uh...

We're just fixing
this place down here.

Just the usual
checkup, you know.

Oh, I see. Well, I hope

you don't tie up
traffic too long here.

Oh, no, it won't take
no longer than usual.

We're anxious to get
home to the wife and kids.

Oh.

Okay, fellas.

Oh, boy, that was a close one.

Get started again.
Now, I'll get your feet.

I'll get your feet,
and I'll reel you out.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Right there.
- Can you see anything?

- No, it's too dark.
- What?

- It's dark in here.
- Oh, don't worry, honey.

I'm out here.

I can't see anything.
Give me the flashlight.

- The flashlight?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Lucy?

Lucy! Lucy, where'd you go?

Lucy?

I'm over here.

I can hear you,
but I can't see you.

Is this the penny?

Viv? I got the penny, Viv.

Viv?

Viv!

Viv?

Oh, Viv!

Viv!

Lucy?

Lucy!

Lucy? Where are you, Lucy?

Lucy, are you d...

Lucy, I can't find you, and...

Lucy? Lucy?

Will you two dames stop
playing tag in my sewer?

One more time, and I'll
have you both arrested!

What are we going to do now?

Don't worry, I got the penny.

- You got the penny?
- Yeah.

Bring it over here.
Let me hold it, now,

'cause you always drop it.

Okay.

What's the matter?

What's the matter with you?

- Uh...
- What's the matter?

- Uh...
- What'd you do with the penny?

Bet you think I dropped
the penny, don't you?

- Did you drop it again, Viv?
- Yes, I dropped it again.

How could you drop that...

What's the matter, fellas?

I lost my penny!

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