The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 14 - Lucy and the Missing Stamp - full transcript

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Viv, I just know Mr. Perkins
is going to fire me.

Now, Lucy, you're
just imagining things.

Well, I'm not imagining that I'm
the only one of the whole group

that hasn't sold a
single vacuum cleaner.

And I don't know
why I haven't sold one.



I called on some
pretty dirty people.

You just weren't cut
out to be a saleslady.

Well, I know I can do it, Viv.

I'm beginning to
get the hang of it.

It just isn't fair to get fired

without really having
been given a chance.

Oh, now, fired...

- Good morning, ladies.
- Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

I've just finished checking
over your sales reports.

Uh-huh.

And I must say that, as a group,

most of you ladies have
done remarkably well

during your first
week of selling.



But unfortunately,
in every barrel,

there's always one rotten apple.

Well... this company
has no room for failures!

There should be no
difficulty in selling our product.

For without a
doubt, it is the finest

lightweight vacuum
cleaner in the world.

And we can all take pride in
Handy Dandy, the vacuum cleaner.

So just get out there
and sell, sell, sell.

Good day and good luck.

Yes, sir. Good day.

Mrs. Carmichael, I
want to talk to you.

I quit.

Oh... Lucy, stop that.

Mrs. Carmichael,
maybe it's just as well,

because frankly I don't think

you were intended
for a career in selling.

But, Mr. Perkins, I never
really had a chance!

You know, you gave me
the worst territory in town!

Oh, please, please, please.

Maybe there's something
wrong with your sales technique.

Show me how you
approach a customer.

What?

Well, pretend Mrs.
Bagley's a customer

and you're trying
to make a sale.

Oh, I couldn't
sell her anything.

Well, try!

Well, all right.

I'll-I'll try to sell.

Okay, stand over there, Viv.

All right.

What's that?

Oh, that's a buzzer.

I gotta ring the
doorbell before I get in.

You're already inside!

- Start selling!
- Oh, all right. Yes, sir.

Uh, how do you do, madam?

I represent the...

If that's a vacuum cleaner

you're trying to sell
me, I don't want one.

She's fighting me!

You see, Mr. Perkins,
everybody says the same thing!

- Oh, please.
- I only want to show you

- that you have to keep on selling.
- Mrs. Bagley, please,

give her a chance to
show you the product!

- See... you see?
- Let her demonstrate it.

Give me a chance, Vivian.

All right, all right.

Go ahead.

- Go ahead. Go ahead.
- All right.

Madam, I have here

the Handy Dandy
lightweight vacuum cleaner.

Now, uh, I'm... uh, pardon me.

Now, I want you
to notice, madam,

how quiet it is.

And I want you to notice
how-how light this attachment is.

And-And you can
do anything with it.

It vacuums rugs
and it cleans drapes.

And it, uh, shampoos
the furniture.

And, uh, Mr. Perkins,

what-what's the other
thing that it does?

Mrs. Carmichael, it's right
here in the sales brochure.

All you have to do...

Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Perkins!

- Oh, Lucille.
- Give me that.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, Lucy.

- Put it back...
- Never mind!

I'll do it myself!

- I didn't mean... -Oh, heavens.
- Oh, you...!

Oh, Mr. Perkins...

- Please.
- Well, just let me talk to you a minute.

Turn that thing off!

- Okay.
- Turn it off!

Would it be all right if I
take her along with me today

and show her how a
real saleslady works?

Do anything you want,
but get her out of here!

Oh, you'd better sell
one or you're through!

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Now, you heard what he said?

Yes, I heard what he said.

Now, you're gonna
go right along with me

and watch a real pro at work.

With my help, maybe...

Oh, what do you
mean "with your help"?

How many vacuum cleaners
have you sold altogether?

One!

And if Mr. Perkins found
out how you sold that one,

you wouldn't be such a pro.

Suppose I told
him that last night,

when you were practicing
your sales pitch on me,

I was such a
pushover, I bought it.

Hey, I know where I
can make a sale, too.

Where?

Mrs. Mooney.

Her husband's a
banker; he can afford it.

That's a marvelous idea.

I'll go along with you.

Oh, no, you won't.

I thought of it first.

Now, he said we were
supposed to work as partners.

Well, we will, but after
I sell Mrs. Mooney.

Now, you can come with
me, but wait in the car.

Yes, Jim, I bought the stamp.

It's a beauty... A 1918
upside-down airmail.

Yeah, yeah.

It isn't canceled; it's
in perfect condition.

Cost me $3,000,
but it was worth it.

Come in. Come...

I haven't seen one
of these for a long...

What's that, Jim?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

No, I...

Oh, hello, Mr. Mooney.

I... Oh, no.

Is Mrs. Mooney at home?

No, and neither am I.

Good-bye.

How would you like to surprise
your wife with a wonderful gift?

Why should I?

She doesn't have anything on me.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

I have here the greatest

little vacuum cleaner
in the whole country.

Bully for you.

Mrs. Carmichael, I'm talking
on the phone, if you don't...

Well, you just finish
your conversation...

Hello?

While I get the machine
ready for a demonstration.

Don't bother.

- Hello, Jim.
- It's no bother.

I'll just plug it in.

Uh, that's a faulty plug.

If you plug it in there,

you'll get a shock and you'll...

What?

Nothing.

Go ahead and plug it in.

Never works when you want it to.

Jim, I'd better call you back.

There's been an
interruption here.

- Yeah...
- Now I want to show you

a great feature of this
machine, Mr. Mooney.

Please, please, I'm talking on
the phone... will you please...?

Well, you just keep
right on talking.

I'm want to show you how
quietly this machine runs.

Look, look, Jim, I'll
tell you what I'll do.

- Now, you see?
- I'll talk to you

- You just keep right on
talking, - a little later on.

And you won't
notice a single thing.

Mr. Mooney...

Viv!

Oh, Viv!

Viv!

Oh, Viv!

You haven't got his
tie in the vacuum!

Oh, just a minute.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, Lucy, honestly.

Mr. Mooney, I'm sorry.

I got it.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, I'm so sorry.

Really, I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney.

- Oh, t-take it out.
- I'm terribly sorry.

G-Get it, get it out.

- Get it out.
- Oh, no.

Now, look, another good
feature of this vacuum cleaner...

- Get out!
- Lucy, I think we'd better go.

But I haven't finished
my sales talk yet.

Get out!

Well, Mr. Mooney, you
don't have to get so mad.

I'm only trying
to make a living.

I have to live, don't I?

Why?!

Oh!

Get out with that thing!

Take it out! Get out!

Don't...! Come on!

Oh, oh.

Uh, hello, Jim?

Uh, Jim?

Oh. Oh.

My stamp.

My upside down...
my $3,000 st...

The vacuum cleaner!

Mrs. Carmichael!

- Yes?
- How do you do?

Uh, pardon me, madam.

Our car broke down.

Could we use your phone, please?

Oh, certainly.

I'll show you where the
phone is in just a minute.

I just want to turn off my oven.

Now, I'm going to show
you a smooth sales approach.

You just stick around
and learn something.

I'm so sorry.

- Oh.
- I-I just didn't want to burn my cake.

That's perfectly all right.

I'll bet you're a
wonderful cook.

Most beautiful women are.

Oh!

Oh, thank you.

If you'll follow me, I'll show
you where the phone is.

Thank you. Get your vacuum.

Uh, ladies, the
phone is right in that...

What's that?

Are you selling vacuum cleaners?

What makes you think that?

Well, now, as a matter of fact,

we are selling vacuum
cleaners, Mrs., uh...

Mrs. White, and I don't
need a vacuum cleaner.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

Oh, I can see you don't
need a vacuum cleaner.

I don't think I've
ever seen a home

quite as spotless and
beautiful as yours is.

Oh.

And this rug...

Oh, my gracious,

this rug must just sparkle
when it's been vacuumed.

But I just vacuumed it.

I just vacuumed it this morning.

Well, now, that just
goes to show you

how inadequate an
ordinary vacuum cleaner is.

Of course, if you
had used our little

Handy Dandy vacuum
cleaner, it wouldn't look this way.

Oh, is there a difference?

Oh, my good woman, just let
me show you the difference.

Now my assistant
will demonstrate.

Mrs. Carmichael,
plug in your vacuum

and clean Mrs.
White's rug for her.

And then I want
you to go upstairs,

and I want you to
de-moth all the closets

and I want you to
clean all the woodwork,

all the venetian blinds,
and then polish the floors.

Yes, Sergeant.

Now, shall we just
sit down and watch?

Love to.

Well, I've cleaned two bedrooms,

the kitchen, the den
and the bathroom.

You want me to start
on the garage now?

Good girl. I'm proud of you.

Thank you, master.

That's my ambition in life...
To make you proud of me.

Well, here we are.

A nice fresh batch of cookies.

Oh, thank...

And now, Mrs. White,

I'd like to show you

how much dirt this
little vacuum picked up.

- May I use this piece of paper?
- By all means.

Thank you very much.

We'll just, uh...

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Oh. Here we go.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,
bring the dirt over here to me.

Dump it.

There you are.

My goodness, that's amazing!

Well, I certainly am impressed
with your vacuum cleaner,

and I'm going to buy one.

That's a very wise
decision, Mrs. White.

I'll just write up your order.

Oh, thank you.

But my brother-in-law's
in the appliance business,

and I can get it wholesale.

Don't put it away, eat it.

I'm sorry about not buying
the vacuum from you girls,

but you understand.

- My brother-in-law...
- Don't apologize, Mrs. White.

Would you mind
stepping out here with me?

Why?

I don't want to see
any blood spilled

on the rug I just cleaned.

Good day, madam.

Thanks for the demonstration.

Oh, that's all right.

And you forgot the dirt.

You can keep it.

It's on the house.

Well...

a perfectly good airmail stamp.

Ah!

- Junior?
- Yes, Mom?

When you go out, I
want you to mail this letter

that's on the desk.

Okay.

Oh, boy, you and
your salesmanship.

"My assistant
will do everything.

De-moth, polish..."

Oh, there, there, oh,
I've-I've been looking all over

the neighborhood for you.

Oh, thank goodness,
you still have it.

Give it to me.

- No, no, no!
- Please, please.

When I tried to sell it
to you a little while ago,

you gave me a pretty rough time.

Now I'm not so sure
I want to sell it to you.

I-I don't want your machine.

I just want your dirt.

My dirt? What are you
gonna do with my dirt?

Well, you see, I'm a
collector, and you...

You're a dirt collector?

Oh... give it to me, please.

Thank heaven you
didn't sell it to anybody.

You don't know what
this means to me.

Now, Viv, that's salesmanship.

I got him on his knees
begging me to sell it to him.

All right, all right,
where is it? Where is it?

- Where is it?!
- Where's what?

My 1918 upside-down airplane.

Just my luck.

I finally got a customer,
and he's a fruitcake.

You better go home,
honey, and lie down.

You need a rest.

Look, look, let me explain.

When you were at my
home, I had an airmail stamp

on my desk, and your
vacuum picked it up,

and I've got to get
that airmail stamp back!

Boy, he really is a tightwad.

I'll give you the eight cents.

That stamp is worth $3,000!

$3,000?

Oh, well, what were
you mailing, an elephant?

Mrs. Carmichael,
that's a very rare stamp!

All right, all right,
Mr. Mooney, now don't worry.

If it was picked up by the
vacuum, it'll still be in there

because we haven't
emptied it out.

We did empty it out!

Oh, it must be
in that pile of dirt

back at Mrs. White's house.

Yes, it's at Mrs. White's house.

Well, it'd better be
there, because if it isn't,

I'm going to have a stuffed
redhead in my trophy room!

Don't worry, Mr. Mooney!

Oh, worry, worry?
Why shouldn't I worry?!

Hey, Mom, is this blue envelope
the one you wanted me to mail?

Yes, dear.

Okay.

Uh, sonny, is your mother home?

Yeah, she's inside.

Hey, Ma, there are a bunch
of people out here to see you.

Yes, what can I...?

Oh, it's you again.

Madam, where do
you keep your dirt?

My what?

Your dirt. The dirt we emptied
out of the vacuum cleaner

when we, when we, uh,
when we cleaned your house.

Oh, I burned that
in the incinerator.

Oh, no! Oh, oh, no! Did
you, did you really burn it?

Are you sure?! There
was a stamp in there!

And if you burned it...

Oh, the stamp. Oh, no,
no, I didn't burn the stamp.

You didn't?

No, no, I found it on the
floor and picked it up, and...

Oh, thank goodness!

Can I please have it?

Well, you can if you can
beat Junior to the mailbox.

What?

Well, I-I put a stamp
on it, and he's mailing it.

We got to beat the
kid to the mailbox!

Junior! Junior's in the mailbox!

Hold on a second.

Couldn't you sell
something soft?!

I'm sorry.

Don't do it! Don't do it!

Don't do it! Don't do it!

- Don't do it!
- Don't do what?

Don't do what you just did!

You crawl right in there
and get that letter back!

Get in there and
get that letter back!

Come back here!

- Oh, Lucy.
- Oh!

Did you get the letter?

No, we were too late.
The kid dropped it in.

Oh, no, my stamp!

- Don't worry, Mr. Mooney.
- What do you want to do?

- I'll get it back.
- Now, Lucy...

Well, maybe the
letter's stuck in the slot.

You can't do that.

You can get arrested
for a thing like that.

- I got it!
- You got it?

You've got it. Good girl.

Give it to me. Hand it over.

- All right. Hold it now.
- What?

- What?
- Oh, Viv!

- What?
- My arm is stuck.

- I can't get my arm out.
- Her arm is stuck.

Oh, let me help
you. I'll get it out.

- Be careful now.
- All right. Now just don't...

Careful, Viv.

- Ow! Oh, fine thing.
- What?

Now you made me drop the letter.

I made her. I made her.

Oh, no, my stamp
is down in there!

Never mind about the
stamp, Mr. Mooney.

What will they say if they catch
me with my arm in the mailbox?

You'll know in just a minute
'cause here comes a postman.

Oh, don't let him
see me like this, Viv.

Get around here. Cover me up.

All right.

Excuse me, lady, but
I've got to get the mail

out of that mailbox.

What mailbox?

That mailbox.

Oh, this mailbox.

Look, would you
mind stepping aside?

Well, I really...

Thank you. Now you, too, lady.

Would you please step aside?

Well, I'd love to,

but I'm afraid you're gonna
have to work around me.

Please, lady, don't
give me any trouble. I...

What's your arm
doing in the mailbox?

Well, I want to talk
to you about that.

You see, I-I was mailing a
letter, and it snapped at me.

I-I can explain this.

You see, there was a letter
dropped in there by mistake.

It had a rare stamp
on it, and I want it back.

Well, you're not gonna
get it back like that.

Once something's
in that mailbox,

it's the property of
the U.S. government.

You mean, I got to go to
Washington to get my arm back?

I'll get your arm back for you.

How are you gonna do that?

- Just like this.
- What are you gonna do?

You got it?

- Luce... Oh.
- Thank you. Thank you.

All right, now, you two
just run along, please.

Uh, Mr. Postman,
there's-there's just one letter

that I want to get my hands on.

I'm sorry. No
tampering with the mail.

Oh, but I-I insist that
you give me that letter.

I insist.

Look, mister, I got
my own problems.

I got bunions on my
feet, my shoulder is sore,

and there's a dog on my
route that keeps biting me.

Oh, well, maybe if I made it
worth your while, you might...?

Are you trying to bribe me?!

Heavens, no.

I got it! The blue envelope!

Don't touch the mail!

My stamp!

Don't touch the mail!

Now, if you want this
back, you'll have to go down

to the post office and
talk to the postmaster!

Oh, all right, all right!

Come on, you two.

I'll need you to
verify my story!

- Come on, hurry up!
- Okay.

Whoa! Hoo!

Oh, uh, are you the postmaster?

Oh, yeah, are you
the man that we have

to see to get a letter back?

Yes, you see, we
posted it by mistake.

We want to get it back

Oh, well, then we
have to fill out a form.

I'll need some
pertinent information.

All right, what do
you want to know?

I need to know the
name of the party

to whom the letter
was addressed,

the state, city and
zip code numbers.

I don't know.

Didn't you write the letter?

No.

Did you write the letter?

No.

Then you wrote the letter?

Three strikes, you're out.

Wait a minute. Doesn't this
letter belong to any one of you?

Well, no, but I can
explain the whole thing.

You see, I was selling
him a vacuum cleaner,

and it made a lot of noise.

So we went over to Mrs. White's,

and her brother-in-law
sells appliances,

so then Mr. Mooney told
us that, that he collects dirt,

and he lost his upside-down
airplane, and Mrs. White's son

mailed it in a blue envelope.

So you've just
got to get it for us.

Lady, we don't mind the
snow or the rain or the sleet.

It's just kooks like
you that drive us nuts.

Oh, I'll explain it to you:

What she's really
trying to say is

that it's really Mrs.
White's envelope,

- but the stamp belongs to him.
- Yes.

That's right, and
I've got to get it back.

Yes.

Now, if Mrs. White comes
down and identifies her letter,

we'll be only too
happy to give it to her.

- Oh.
- Oh, well, I'll go and get Mrs. White

and bring her back here then.

- Yeah.
- Where was it she lived again?

- I'll go right with you.
- Yeah, we'll go with you.

No, no, no! You wait here.

You wait here. You
look for that letter.

- Why?
- You look for that letter!

And get that stamp
before they cancel it!

But how am I gonna get it?

Well, use your head!

Oh, that will never do it.

That's not a very nice
thing to say, Mr. Mooney.

No, no, you just get that
stamp back or it's going

to cost you $3,000!

- Why should it cost me $3,000?
- Your $3,000!

Well, now, hi there.

Hi.

You see, uh, I'm waiting here
for a postman who has a letter

with a stamp
that I've got to get.

Excuse me, lady.

That's all right.

The reason that I'm waiting is

that if the stamp gets canceled,
it would cost me a fortune.

See, I don't want the
letter. All I want's the stamp.

- Excuse me, lady.
- That's all right.

Hey, it's you! Where
are the letters?

Lady, let go of my...

I dumped 'em over there!

Hey, don't touch
that mail, lady.

These are the letters
that I have to look at.

- Out, lady!
- That... No, that's the postman...

Out, lady!

- You don't understand.
- Don't touch those letters!

But that's the postman that
had the letter that I have to get!

- You don't understand how important it is!
- I said out!

But I've got to get that letter!

Out!

You-you, you don't understand!

Out!

I'm in $3,000 worth of trouble.

I said out.

♪♪

- Hey, Sid!
- Yeah?

Come in here, will you?

All right.

This is all out-of-town.

I'll get it out right away.

♪♪

Well, we got Mrs.
White. She's here.

She'll identify the letter.

I got it! I got it!

She's got it!

I got the envelope!

She's got it! She's got it!

Oh, bless her
heart, she's got it!

I knew she'd...

Here you are, Mr. Mooney.

Mrs. Carmichael!

Oh, good girl.

My stamp!

Your stamp! Good girl!

Oh, bless you!

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