The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 12 - Lucy Gets the Bird - full transcript

Lucy and Viv are "birdsitting" Mr. Mooney's pet cockatiel, Greenback, when it escapes its cage and perches on a telephone line outside. To reach the creature, Lucy climbs up on the roof in a grass skirt (her pants split) and rubbe...

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- Mom?
- Yeah?

I was watching the man
up on the telephone pole,

and now I can't get
my head back straight.

I'm stuck like this forever.

Oh. Well, it'll make
it easier to gargle.



Really, Mom, I'll spend
the rest of my life like this.

Uh-huh. There's
a dime on the floor.

You can have it
if you can find it.

Where?! Where?!

Hey, your neck got better.

Oh... Wish I didn't have
such a tricky mother.

Lucy, I found ten more
stamps in my pocketbook!

They're a little linty, but
I think they're still good.

Good.

Now, do we have enough
books to get to Hawaii?

I think we have enough

to get to Harrisburg,
Pennsylvania.

Do they hula in Harrisburg?

Only if nobody's looking.



Oh, dear. Do you think
Mr. Mooney would loan us

enough money to get to Hawaii?

Oh, sure, if we
went by surfboard.

Oh, I'm just dying to get there.

I'm doing fine in
my hula lessons.

Watch me, now, Lucy.

Uh...

Every movement has a...
has some sort of a meaning.

It really means
something like that.

Now, what does this one mean?

It means you're
not wearing a girdle.

Well, I looked a lot better
with my grass skirt on,

but I just washed it.

You washed it?

Sure. What'd you expect me
to do with a grass skirt, mow it?

- Get that, will you, Viv?
- Okay.

Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.

Mrs. Bagley, you
look lovely today.

Why, thank you.

And, Mrs. Carmichael,

you are your usual
gorgeous self.

Mr. Mooney, I never
knew you drank.

I was just drinking
in your loveliness.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,
unbelievable as it may sound,

I need a favor from you.

You need a favor from me?

Oh, that's a switch.

Yes, you see, we're
having our house painted,

and I was wondering if I
could leave my Greenback here.

Well, now, you can leave
all your greenbacks here.

Uh, Greenback is my bird.

- Oh. Oh.
- Yes.

It'll only be for the day

because the smell
of paint makes her ill.

- Oh.
- It makes my wife ill, too,

but nobody will take
care of her for a day.

I'll just show you
the little girl here.

A bird, huh?

Here we are.

Oh, isn't that darling?

- Oh, she's beautiful!
- Yes.

What is she?

- Well, that's a cockatiel.
- Oh, a cockatiel.

Well, we'd be very happy to
take care of her, Mr. Mooney.

Good. Good.

Of course, I could have
left her at the pet shop,

but I hate having her associate
with those common birds.

Uh, she might pick
up some bad language.

Oh, well, don't you worry.

I'll watch her like a hawk.

Oh! What did I do?

She heard you say H-A-W-K.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yes.

Mrs. Carmichael?

- Yes?
- Can I speak to you for a minute, please?

- Okay, Charlie.
- Look, I have to go back

to the telephone company to
pick up some more material,

so I'm going to leave my
equipment in the backyard, okay?

- Okay.
- I'm afraid you won't be able

to use the phones
till I get back, though.

- That's all right.
- I'll see you later.

Okay, Charlie.

- She's the cutest thing!
- Oh, she's beautiful.

Does she say
anything, Mr. Mooney?

Does she know any words?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, she
talks. I-I taught her myself.

Uh, all right, now, Greenie,

uh, say something
for the nice ladies.

Come on. Say something.

E pluribus unum.
E pluribus unum.

"E pluribus unum,"
my favorite words.

Oh, that's adorable.

What do you feed her?

Uh, well, now, here are
typewritten instructions

- covering everything you ought to know.
- Uh-huh.

Well, uh, I'd better be going.

Oh, she... she'd
never forgive me

if I didn't say good-bye.

Excuse me a moment.

Come on, Greenie.

Come on.

There.

Good-bye, Greenie-weeny.

Bye-bye, Popsy-wopsy.

She calls me Popsy-wopsy.

Now, you be a good
little bird, won't you?

Yes, you'll do whatever

the nice ladies tell
you to do, won't you?

Yes, yes, that's good.

All right, now.

Don't be a
naughty little birdie.

Now, Popsy-wopsy
will see you this evening.

- Bye-bye.
- You will behave yourself,

won't you?

- Popsy-wopsy.
- Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

When he says good-bye to
his wife, he just shakes hands.

Greenie-weeny.

Lucy, I can't understand you.

Every time you ask Mr. Mooney
for a favor, he turns you down.

He comes over here
and asks you one favor,

and you accept him right away.

Well, I happen to be
a very nice person.

Oh?

Yeah. Besides, I got
a sneaky little trick

that might make Mr. Mooney
raise my allowance.

Uh-huh, that's better.

What's your sneaky little trick?

Well, I just thought maybe
the way to Mooney's heart

is through
Greenie-weeny-backy-wacky.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Greenie.

Greenie, come here, Greenie.

Repeat after me: "Give
Lucy more money."

Oh, that's a
terrific sneaky trick.

Do you think you can
teach her to say that?

I don't know, but
it's worth trying.

Come on, pretty baby.

Give Lucy more money.
Give Lucy more money.

Come on, now. If you don't
say it, we're going to write it

on a piece of paper
and rub your beak in it!

Oh, Viv.

You scared her.

You don't understand birds.

What do you mean, I
don't understand birds?

The only way that that bird
will learn anything from us

is if she loves us.

We have to make her
feel she's among friends.

What do you want us
to do, grow feathers?

No. We'll give her fresh
water, we'll feed her,

we'll clean her cage,
and then she'll love us.

Oh, listen, I fed, watered

and cleaned the cage of
that bird I was married to,

and you know
how that turned out.

I got something else, Viv.

I'll bet you Greenback's
going to love this little mirror.

Oh, why don't you
get that bird a statue?

A statue?

Yeah, all birds love statues.

Oh, Viv...

You've bought that
bird so many presents,

you can hardly
see her in the cage.

Oh, yes, you can. She's
down in there somewhere.

Viv, there's no bird in here.

Yeah.

Did you leave the cage door
open when you put the water in?

No, I didn't. You must have
left it open when you fed her.

- No, I didn't leave it open!
- I did not leave the door

- to that cage open. I never...
- Oh, Viv, you must have!

- I didn't. You must've left it.
- Let's not yell at each other.

Let's not yell at each other.

Yeah, let's save
all of our strength

for when Mooney
tries to kill us.

We got to... we got to find her.

We got to find her!

Here, Greenie-weeny-backy-wacky!

- E pluribus unum.
- I heard her!

- I heard her!
- No, that was me. That was me.

I thought maybe she'd answer
something that she knew.

- Oh, Lucy...
- Don't sit down, Viv!

You might sit on her!

Oh, don't say that.

Well, she could be anywhere.

- Oh, Lucy!
- Maybe she flew under the sofa.

Oh, how could she get...?
Maybe she's under the chair.

She might be.

- Oh, hooray!
- Did you find her?

- No, but I found some more stamps.
- Oh, Viv.

Listen, go out in the
garage and get the flashlight.

She may be under here,
but it's so dark I can't tell.

Okay.

Here Greenie-weeny.

"Vote for Dewey"?

Boy, I got to sweep
under there more often.

Lucy, I found her!

Where?!

She's out on a telephone pole.

- A telephone pole?!
- Yes.

Oh, we got to get that
bird or we're dead ducks.

Yeah, come on.

Where did you see her, Viv?

Right on the pole...
On that telephone pole.

- Which one?
- He's right up there on...

He's right up there.
See him? Right up there.

- Oh!
- Come on, Greenback.

Greenie-back.

- Greenback.
- Here, I'll handle this.

I'll handle this.

You come down off
that wire this minute.

Do you hear me?
Right this minute!

Oh, boy, you sure
got a way with birds.

Well, I'm just going to have
to climb up there and get her.

Oh, Lucy, you can't do
that. You'll get a shock.

Well, I'd rather face
a few thousand volts

of electricity than
one angry Mooney,

I can tell you that.

Besides, the phone
man was up there.

Yeah, but he had on rubber shoes
and gloves and things like that.

Well, go look for something.

Okay. Gee, I hope you
know what you're doing.

Don't worry about that.

Come on,
Greenie-weeny-backy-wacky.

Come on, honey.

How would you like
something to eat?

Want something to eat, honey?

Come on, honey. Come on.

Never mind that.

Oh, Lucy, what are you
doing with my grass skirt on?

My stretch pants
just overstretched.

Oh. Well, don't you
get that wrinkled.

Wrinkled?

What'd you get?

Well, I got these
swim fins of Jerry's

and-and-and a butterfly net
and some asbestos gloves.

Well, good thinking, Viv.

What do you mean, good thinking?

I'm getting just as
kooky as you are.

Oh! Now, go get
the big ladder for me.

What do you want
with the ladder?

I need the ladder
to get out on the roof

to get out on the pole
to get out to get the bird.

Now, get going!

Oh. Yeah, all right.

When I get my hands on you,

you're going to wish
you were never hatched!

Okay, hand me the cage.

All right.

I got it.

Oh, I swore I'd never
come up on this roof again

after we put up that antenna.

Never mind that now.

Come on.

Come on, now, Lucy.

Hurry up! Hurry up!

Have you ever tried
to hurry up a ladder

in swim fins and a grass skirt?

Well, you never looked lovelier.

- Lucy?
- What?

You look like a Hawaiian
trying to stamp out a fire.

Oh!

Oh, Lucy!

Not that. Not that.

Oh, come... bup, bup, bup, bup.

Don't make any more jokes.

Well, don't try to knock
this antenna down.

- Lucy?
- What?

Maybe... maybe I could try
to get him with the net, huh?

Of course not. You'd
frighten the bird.

Now, don't even think of that.

Listen, if he didn't get scared
looking at you in that outfit,

this isn't going to scare him.

Oh, stop it, Viv.

Hello, Greenback.

Hello, Greenie-weeny.

E pluribus unum.

Come here, Greenback.

What a bird. She speaks Latin,

but she can't
understand English.

I'm just going to have to go out

on that pole and
get her, that's all.

Careful, Viv.

If I wanted to be careful,

I never would have
moved in with you.

Viv, you're going to
have to give me a boost.

Give you a boost?

Yes.

- Come on.
- Okay.

I don't mean with
a butterfly net.

All right.

- You help me get up on here.
- Watch me, now, Lucy.

Am I near you yet?

Not yet, honey.
Back up. Back up.

Back up.

A little bit more.

- A little bit more.
- Yeah?

That's it. Now, give me a boost.

Give you a... Oh! Oh!

Oh, Lucy, Lucy, get
your flipper out of my face!

I'll try again.

- Ready?
- Yeah, go.

- Go?
- Yeah.

There, I got it.

Okay.

These flippers weren't
made for climbing.

Lucy, don't look down.

You might get dizzy.

I mean, you might get
dizzier than you are.

Will you cut that out.

Jerry, you stop that!

Ah, Mom, I just want to watch.

You get down from
there this minute.

Yes, Mom.

- Sheesh.
- What was he doing?

Oh, he was standing
on top of the fence.

I don't know why children do
such dangerous, stupid things.

Oh, brother.

Come here, Greenback.
Come here, Greenback.

Lucy, answer the phone.
It's scaring the bird.

Well, it's not doing
me any good, either.

Hello.

Operator, operator,
give me the police!

The police?

Yeah, there's some fruitcake
up on the roof wearing flippers

and a grass skirt
yelling, "E pluribus unum."

And there's another fruitcake
trying to catch her in a net

and put her in a cage.

Oh, come now.

The police would never
believe a story like that.

Oh, some nut.

Here, Greenie. Here, Greenie.

- Come on, baby.
- Come on, birdie.

- Come on.
- Oh, I... I got an idea.

- You see this thing?
- Yeah.

This is the seat that
the telephone men use.

- It is?
- Yeah.

What are you going to do, Lucy?

I'm going to get in here,
I'm going to push off...

Don't hurt my grass skirt!

Oh, I'm not going to
hurt your grass skirt, Viv.

Oh, Lucy!

For heaven's sake.

We don't get this bird,
you'll never get anyplace.

It won't matter whether
you've got a grass skirt or not!

- I'm going over here.
- For heaven's sake.

Now, I'm going to push off,

and I'm going to get
you, you little rascal.

Okay.

It's the only way to fly.

Well, smarty-pants, I'm blasting
off again, Greenie-weeny.

- Lucille!
- What happened?

- You scared the bird.
- Where'd he go?

- You scared the bird. He's gone.
- Oh, no!

Oh, thank heaven
you're here, Sam.

What's the matter, Mr. Mooney?

I need some tranquilizers
for Greenback.

She's had a
frightening experience.

Really? What happened?

Well, foolishly, I
left the poor little bird

with the biggest
birdbrain in town.

But she escaped and flew
right home to her daddy.

But she's a nervous wreck.

Oh, I'm sorry to
hear about that.

You know, if these bird
tranquilizers don't work,

you may have to take
her to see a psychiatrist.

Yes, I probably...

A psychiatrist? For pets?

Yeah. One just opened
an office here last week.

I got his card right here.

"Dr. Marshall Belson,
Pet Psychiatrist. PhD."

PhD?

"Parrots, horses and dogs."

But I hear he's pretty
good with cockatiels, too.

Oh, no. These should fix her up.

Put them on my
account, will you?

Sure, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, Sam, I have a hunch

that the woman who
allowed Greenback to escape

will come in here to
buy another cockatiel.

Now, if she does, phone me.

I'll be right next
door at the bank.

Then you stall
her till I get back.

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, how will
I recognize her?

Oh, you can't miss her.

Her hair's dyed,

and her brain isn't too
long for this world, either.

What can I do for you, ladies?

I've got to have a
cockatiel right away.

- Cockatiel?
- Yes, please.

Oh, a cockatiel!

- Yes, do you have a cockatiel?
- Well, you've certainly come

- to the right place.
- Oh, good.

But, uh, would you
excuse me for a moment?

I got to make a phone call.

- Oh, of course.
- Thank you.

I don't think we'll
find another one

that looks just exactly
like Greenback.

Well, we've got to if we
expect to fool Mooney.

Oh, look, there are the turtles.

Oh.

I bought a turtle in here once.

It just hated me.

Well, how can you tell
when a turtle hates you?

He kept trying to rub
my name off of his back.

Oh, Viv.

Listen, Viv, where do
you think Greenback is?

Halfway to Capistrano.

Viv, she was a
cockatiel, not a swallow.

- Sorry to keep you ladies waiting.
- Oh, that's all right.

Now, what kind of a
cockatiel did you want?

Well, do you have
one with a green back

and a... and a blue
dot on its left wing

that says, "E pluribus unum"?

No, but I got a
black-coated mynah bird

that says "hello,"
"good-bye" and "rat fink."

Oh.

No, no, that's no good.

How about a parrot
that sings "Hello Polly"?

No, just show us
the cockatiels, please.

- Follow me to the birds.
- Okay.

Hello. Good-bye. Rat fink.

Interested?

No, no, I've got to
have a cockatiel.

This way to the birds, ladies.

- Rat fink!
- How about that?

"Rat fink," he said.

- Oh, look at them, Lucy.
- There's some cockatiels.

- Oh, look. Oh, aren't they...
- How about that one over there?

- This one here?
- That one?

- Yeah.
- That one right over there in the corner?

- That looks kind of like it.
- Which one, ladies?

No, Lucy, that one's
too... it's too fat, too fat.

- Too fat, yeah.
- Too fat?

It's much fatter
than the other one.

How about this one right here?

- Over there. Over there.
- Yeah, that one.

Yeah, how about
that one? Uh-huh.

You want that one here?

Oh, I don't know. No. His
ears don't look the same.

- Cockatiels don't have ears.
- Well, he doesn't look the same

where his ears
are supposed to be.

- You know what I mean.
- Yeah.

Excuse me.

How about that
one back there, Viv?

That looks... gee, they
all look sort of alike.

There's one down there
that's sort of the same.

- Isn't that a cute one? Huh?
- Yeah.

Hey, how about that
one that's sitting up there

- with that little thing?
- Yeah, get it for me,

- will you, Viv?
- Okay.

Well, look out, now.

Come here, little bird.
Come here, little cockatiel.

Come here, little cockatiel.

Ow! He bit my finger!

- Which one?
- That blue one.

He must be afraid
of that turtle I bought.

Oh, Viv, for heaven's sake,

- I'll get one.
- Could you get it, Lucy?

- Okay.
- That one right up there?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

It looks like it.

It's got kind of the same...

Oh, aren't they the
cutest little things?

- Oh, it's adorable.
- Isn't that darling?

Now, don't you jump.

Oh, he's got a white dot,
though, instead of a blue one.

Oh, well, I'll put some
blue eye shadow on it.

Yeah.

Mr. Mooney, what
a pleasant surprise.

Lucy, Mooney.

Oh, Mr., uh... um...

One of the little bells, please.

Oh, ladies.

Oh, why, Mr. Mooney.

What am I doing here?

I mean, what are you doing here?

Well, I was buying a
homecoming gift for Greenback.

What are you doing here?

- Uh...
- Uh, well, we were buying

a going-away gift for Greenback.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

A going-away present, yeah.

Oh, we got so we
just love that bird.

Yeah, we just
love... just love him.

Isn't that nice?

To know Greenback
is to love her.

By the way, uh, uh,

Greenback, uh, gets lonesome.

Who's watching her now?

Oh, we hired a babysitter.

I mean a bird-sitter.

Oh. Yes, a bird...

Uh, i-is something
wrong with you?

No. No. Why do you ask?

Well, uh...

Oh, you mean...

Well, whenever Viv
hums, I-I can't help dancing.

Mrs. Bagley isn't humming.

Oh, I was just about
to start humming.

Yeah.

To get more fun out
of life, try dancing.

Oh, thank you.

Can't you stand still?

Did you ever try to stand
still with a bird in your blouse?

Oh, uh, by the way,
Mrs. Carmichael...

- Yes?
- After work, I'll stop by your house

and pick up Greenback.

- You will?
- Yes.

Oh, well, we'll...

we'll sure hate
to lose her again.

I mean, see her go.

Oh, I know how you feel.

I can hardly wait
to see her again.

- Oh, me, too.
- Yeah. Well, good-bye, ladies.

- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.

He's gone. He's gone.

Oh, boy.

Sir, we found the bird we want.

Which one is it?

Well, it's-it's this
one right here.

I'll, uh, put it in a cage.

Okay.

- That'll be six dollars.
- Thank you.

Oh, boy.

Oh, darn it, my purse!

- What happened?
- It fell in the fishbowl.

- Oh...
- Lady, look out!

Well, my purse
fell in the fishbowl.

Those are piranha fish!

So what? I'm not bothering them.

They're man-eaters!

One, two, three, four, five.

Oh, you're lucky, lady.

They'll devour anything.

Oh. Well, my-my
money is in my purse.

Oh, well, I'll get a
hook and get it out.

Excuse me.

Oh, my.

Pardon me.

Say, I'm going to send
a bucket of those fish

to my ex-husband
for his birthday.

Come on, now. Come on.

See? E pluribus
unum. E pluribus unum.

See it right there
above the eagle?

If she can't talk, how do
you expect her to read?

What are we going to do?

Mr. Mooney will
know it's not his bird.

Well, we could say that, uh,
the bird fell off of her ladder,

landed on its head
and has amnesia.

Oh, Viv, that's the
silliest thing I ever heard.

- Come in.
- Come in.

Well, how's my little Greenback?

She fell off her ladder,
landed on her head

and got amnesia.

That's the silliest
thing I ever heard.

That's what I told Viv.

Uh, why does she have
a white spot on her wing

instead of a blue one?

Oh, uh, uh, the fall scared her
so much that she turned white.

That's right. That's right.
That's actually what happened.

It's just one of
those crazy things.

Oh, well, this seems to
be a day for crazy things.

- Oh?
- When I went home for lunch,

the strangest thing happened.

A bird flew through my window

that looked exactly
like Greenback.

Really?

Yes, yes.

She landed on my
shoulder, kissed my cheek.

But instead of saying,
"E pluribus unum,"

it said, uh, "Give
Lucy more money."

Well, what do you think of that?

I think you are an
irresponsible nitwit!

And that that bird
is a cheap fake!

It's not cheap. It
cost me six dollars.

Well, you take your
bird, and I'll take my cage.

Leaving my precious
Greenback with you

was like leaving General
Custer with Sitting Bull!

Boy, he was mad.

And I don't blame him.

You certainly were a birdbrain

to keep the door
of that cage open.

Me a birdbrain?

You were a birdbrain
for not watching the cage.

Oh, look who's
calling who a birdbrain.

You're both birdbrains.

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