The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 9 - Lucy Puts Out a Fire at the Bank - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Will you stop pacing?

Well, I'm sorry,
but I'm so nervous.

I'm afraid the town
council's gonna refuse

to give us any money.



Oh, now, how can they
refuse the appropriation

for the Women's Volunteers?

We're the only fire
department Danfield has.

I know, but with Mr. Mooney
as the new chairman

of the finance committee,
anything can happen.

You know how he is.

Oh, I know he's tight
with your trust fund,

but this is different.

This is the taxpayer's money.

He doesn't care where
the money comes from.

Show him a penny,
and he'll pinch it.

Well, he isn't the only
member of the finance board.

Well, that's true.

Captain Carmichael?



Yes, sir?

The town council
will see you now.

Yes, sir. Thank
you. I'm so nervous.

Now, what is there
to be nervous about?

They can't possibly
refuse us. You know that.

They've got to have
a fire department.

You're right.

They can't possibly refuse us.

They did.

They turned us down?

In four words: I said, "Hello."

They said, "No."

I said, "Why?"

They said, "Good-bye."

And so we bid a fond farewell

to the Women's Volunteer
Fire Department of Danfield.

I just don't understand it.

They can't get along
without a fire department.

No.

Well, I'm not giving up
without a fight, I'll tell you that.

All right, gentleman,

I think that was a
very good meeting.

- Boo!
- Boo!

- Boo!
- Boo!

Boo!

Boo!

Boo! Boo!

Boo!

Good-bye, ladies.

We'd like a word with
you if you don't mind, sir.

The matter is closed
and so is the bank.

You can let yourselves out.

We are not leaving here

until you give us
one good reason

why we did not get
our appropriation.

How can you do this to us?

Look at our record
as firefighters.

Oh, I have. I have.

Uh, last year, 43 cat rescues.

Well, there you are.

12 of them were the same cat.

Eight clogged-up
chimney flues unclogged.

16 piles of burning
leaves extinguished.

And one suit against
the city for water damage

at the Armenian restaurant.

How did we know
that they were serving

flaming shish kebab on a sword?

I'm sorry, ladies, you
can talk all you want to,

but the town council has decided

that the service you volunteers
do isn't worth the cost.

Now, we are going to rely on
the New Rochelle Fire Department,

since they're called
in major fires, anyway.

But-but what about the
joy we volunteers bring

to the people of Danfield?

What-what are they gonna do

without our little
theater group,

our barbershop quartet
or our baseball team?

Well, we'll just have
to struggle along

with the Broadway stage,
the Metropolitan Opera,

and the New York Yankees.

Oh, now, Mr. Mooney,
how can you do this to us

after we've given you

the best year and
two months of our life?

Yeah! What's New
Rochelle's Fire Department got

that we haven't got?

Well, for one thing, their
men are well-trained.

Aha! That's it.

The New Rochelle
people have firemen.

We're being discriminated
against because we're women.

Oh, good heavens.

That's a typical,

typical male attitude.

- That's right.
- Ladies, please.

New Rochelle has men, true,

but they are also well-trained!

Oh, well, if that's
all there is to it,

we'll get the training,

now that you've
removed the sex barrier.

How?

Yeah, how?

We will do what the
New Rochelle firemen do.

We'll go to rookie
training school.

That's how.

All right, you do that.

You go to rookie
training school.

Go anywhere. But go!

So I can get my work done.

Yeah, well, now we
really mean it, Mr. Mooney.

And-and if we go to
rookie training school

and learn everything that
those hot-shot men know,

will you get the town
council to reconsider?

All right, all right,
if you do that,

I will bring it up at the
next council meeting.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Mooney!

You're a wonderful man.

I could kiss you for that.

You do, and the deal is off!

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Company, halt. One, two.

Left face.

Relax. I mean, at ease.

Now, ladies, you have
seen the rookie training film.

Yes, sir.

Let's practice a few
of the things we saw.

First, we'll try the
fireman's carry.

The larger women
pick up the smaller one.

Okay, girls, get rid of
your axes and pair off.

Pair off and get
ready for the lift.

Come on, on the double.

Now, remember, the larger
girls pick up the smaller girls.

Pick me up.

Oh, come now.

You're taller than I am.

Captain Burke.

What's the trouble,
Captain Carmichael?

When you said larger,
did you mean up and down

or back and forth?

It doesn't really
matter, Captain.

Okay.

Ready?

Lift.

Come on, Lucy,
you can pick me up.

You know you can.

Lucy, you know
you can pick me up.

Ooh. This is embarrassing.

Lucy, ooh... you're not...

Take my advice, Viv.

Either lose weight or stay
out of burning buildings.

Oh.

I suggest you practice
that in your spare time.

Yes, sir, we'll practice
in our spare time.

All right, girls, back
to your original places.

Get in line.

Oh, no, here, here.

Here.

Of course, if someone in a
burning building is injured,

and we can't use
the fireman's carry,

we use the stretcher.

Strapping the
person in securely.

Say, that's very good.

Our company will
have to get one of those.

- Uh-huh.
- Say, I could've used one of

those last summer when I put
up those 32 quarts of preserves.

For what?

It'd be wonderful for
straining raspberries.

Get back in line there.

Just stay back there.

All right, may I have
your attention over here.

All right, over here, girls.

Over here, on the
double, come on.

Keep up with the captain.

As you no doubt know,
this is a battering ram.

Oh, yes, this is
a battering ram.

For breaking through
a wall or a heavy door.

- Uh-huh.
- Oh, I've heard about those.

Yeah, we're gonna have
to get one of those, too.

Now, two men
usually handle this,

but, uh, you'd better
use four women.

Please, anything a
man can do, we can do.

All right.

Where do you want it?

- Bring it right over here, Captain.
- All right.

Bagley, take the other end.

- Ready?
- Okay, let's go.

Why didn't you pick up your end?

Oh, come now.

- All right, two volunteers.
- Why didn't...

On the double.

All right, get over
there, Bagley.

- Oh, that is a heavy thing.
- All right, ladies,

line it up right here.

- Okay. Where?
- Right in here.

- All right, girls, up we go.
- In this area. Line up with me.

Got it.

- Watch it.
- Okay.

We got it.

Now, assume there's a wall here.

Yes, sir.

As a team, you swing
the battering ram.

One and a-two,

and a-three and
then to the wall.

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

- Take it over, Captain.
- Okay, here we go.

One... and two,

and three... and...

Oh! Oh!

Oh, did you hurt yourself?

I'm afraid this came
off your fire engine, sir.

Oh, let's move over
here for some life net drill.

- Just put... yes, sir.
- Put it down here, Lucy.

Come on, come on.

Get right to... come on.

Oh, is that a fire net?

It's darling!

Look, it's quilted!

We'll need one of those, too.

- Yeah.
- I'm curious.

What equipment does
your company have?

Oh, we have lots of equipment.

Ladders and hoses and axes.

And don't forget a quart
of milk and a saucer.

Get back in line.

All right, ladies, get the
net down in this area.

Yeah, all right, girls,
bring the net down here.

All right, get a firm grip now.

- It's heavy.
- It's heavy, Lucy.

All right, never
mind how heavy it is.

Just get a firm grip
and bring it down here.

Okay, everybody, got it?
Okay, Captain, we're ready.

Now as you saw on the film, when
someone jumps from a building,

your captain will direct
you into getting the net

into the proper position
to catch the person.

- Yes.
- Shall we try it?

All right, girls.
Everybody, ready?

- Yeah.
- All right, get a firm grip now.

- Yeah.
- Okay, Captain, we're ready.

All set, Charlie?

Okay!

Take over, Captain Carmichael.

Okay, watch me, girls, for
instruction on which way to go.

All right, don't panic, sir.

We'll save you!

Okay, Charlie, go!

Quick, girls, move to your left.

- Left.
- Left! Left! Left!

Well, thank heavens,
it was just a dummy.

He isn't the only one.

Why didn't you all
move to the left?

Ladies.

Ladies!

Ladies!

Quiet!

Please, give me your attention.

Attention!

Captain Carmichael,

since you are all
standing in a circle,

you cannot use the
directions right and left.

See?

To move the net into position,

you indicate the direction
by moving your head

and yelling "Ho!"

If you want to go to the left,

you say, "Ho! Ho!"

If you want to go to the right,

you say, "Ho! Ho!"

Have you got that?

Ho!

Yes, sir.

- Get back there.
- Ho! Ho! Ho!

All right, girls.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Let's try it again.
All right, quiet, girls.

- Quiet. Here we go again.
- Go, go.

All right, don't panic, sir.

We'll save you!

Here we go again, Charlie.

All right, come on,
group, let's try it again.

All right, come on.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Ho! Ho!

Well... we're getting warmer.

Get back in line.

All right, let's try it again.

No, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

I think that's enough for today.

We'll go to something else.

Ladies, over here.

All right, get rid of the net.

Come on, line up over
here, on the double.

- Okay.
- Hurry up, come on, on the double.

Listen to the captain now.

As you all know,

there's much damage
caused by smoke.

- Oh.
- Yes, sir.

This is a fireman's fan.

- Used to blow smoke out of a building.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, I could use that
on Tuesday night

when Harvey brings
the boys over for poker.

Will you be quiet?

This is a smoke bomb.

Yes, this is a smoke bomb.

- Everybody, see that?
- Yep.

Okay, go ahead, Captain.

I will light this and
throw it into the building.

Your captain will take
the fan in and show you

how quickly the fan blows
the smoke out of the building.

- Oh! Okay.
- Okay.

Now, don't worry,
ladies, this isn't a bomb.

It's not gonna blow
up in that sense.

I wonder how this
thing turns on, Viv.

Oh!

- Oh, there it is.
- There it is.

Will you turn... turn it off!

Turn off...

Turn the fan off!

Turn that thing off!

Turn it off, Lucy.

Turn it off.

Turn that thing off!

Yes, sir. I did, sir.

I'm sorry, sir.

Well, ladies,

you've seen how the
fan blows the smoke.

Yes, sir.

Let's try a little ladder drill.

- Oh, we'll be good at that.
- Oh, say.

- You wait and see.
- All right, over by the ladder.

We're gonna have to
get one of these, too.

And if there's no fire, I get
dibs on it for Tuesday night.

Yeah.

Okay, here we are.

Like everything
else in firefighting,

the main thing in the
handling the ladder is speed.

Yeah, speed. Don't forget that.

Now, one of you go up the ladder

with the hose carried
over your shoulder

as you saw in the training film.

Yes.

And the others stay on the
ground, connecting the hose,

feeding it out to the
one on the ladder.

All right, I'll go
up the ladder,

and you feed me
the hose, Bagley.

Yes'm.

- I'll time you.
- All right.

All right.

On your mark.

Get set. Go!

Lucy?

Oh!

Vivian?

- Step back!
- Oh. Oh.

Oh... oh, my.

It's... Oh, that's
a strong thing.

Class is dismissed!

Oh, that's awful strong.

- Class dismissed.
- That was a...

Lucy, you didn't
wait till I connected it.

Oh, will that fire
alarm ever go off?!

This is a fine mess.

We go to school for two
weeks, we're trained to the teeth,

and we don't get a
chance to show off.

Yeah.

- There it is!
- That's it!

That's it. That's a fire.

Now we can show
what we've learned.

Oh, Lucy, that's it.

Now we're gonna
get to go to a fire.

Hurry up. Don't talk so much.

Just hurry up.

- Hold it. Hold it!
- What's the matter?

When are we ever gonna learn

to tell the difference
between the fire alarm

and the noon whistle
at the glove factory?

Oh...

dear.

Where's a good fire
when you need one?

Lucy, do we really
have to have a fire?

Mr. Mooney knows
we're well-trained.

He said he would take
up that appropriation

with the town
council this afternoon.

You know,
Mr. Mooney is a banker.

He wants collateral.

He needs proof.

Yeah, he's got to have proof.

Hey... I got an idea.

Why couldn't we
arrange a little proof?

What are you talking about?

While the town
council is meeting

at the bank this afternoon,

we'll just start a little fire

and put it out right
in front of them.

Then they'll give us anything.

They'll give us
30 years for arson.

I-I don't mean to really
set fire to the bank.

I mean, make it look like a fire

by lighting one of
these smoke bombs.

Oh, no. Now, Lucy,
you can't use those.

Captain Burke gave me
those so I could use them

in the Cub Scouts'
project for Indian lore.

We're gonna send up
smoke signals with those.

I'm sorry, but the fire
department has priority.

Now, look, here's the plan.

While you and the rest
of the girls just happen

to be cruising around
the block on the truck,

I'll walk into the bank,
light one of these,

drop it in the wastebasket,

- then you girls...
- Hold it. Hold it.

- Wait just a minute.
- What?

How're you gonna
light one of those things

in the bank without
arousing suspicion?

I'll put a cigarette
in my mouth,

and instead of
lighting the cigarette,

I'll light one of these.

But you don't smoke.

So I'll fake it.

Now, look, we'll
synchronize our watches.

And 60 seconds after
I go into that bank,

you and the rest of the
girls burst through the door

and efficiently
put the fire out.

Don't you think we ought to wait
till somebody sounds the alarm?

Don't you see?
That's the beauty of it.

There's a fire, you put it out,

you're on your way
back to the firehouse

before the alarm has
even been sounded.

Boy, that's a good one.

I'd like to see New
Rochelle beat that.

Exactly!

All right, I'm gonna get
busy and call the girls.

You know, this is going to be
a very convenient fire for me.

How do you mean?

I have to go to the bank
anyway, so while I'm down there

fighting the fire,
I'll cash a check.

Mrs. Carmichael?

Oh, hi, Albert.

What have you been up to?

Well, why do you say that?

Well, I haven't seen you
around the bank lately,

and I wondered how you'd been.

Oh, I-I-I... I've been fine.

Well, uh, nice to see
you in the bank again.

Yeah, it was nice to be

in the bank... again.

May I?

Oh. Uh, no, thanks.

I don't smoke.

Oh, oh, I do smoke.

That's what I get
for switching brands.

Thank you.

Ladies, ladies,
there's no fire here.

No. Whatever gave you the
idea there was a fire here?

- Where's the smoke bomb?
- Just give me one more minute.

- Just one more minute?
- Yeah.

Okay. Uh, sorry, folks.

A false alarm.

- A false alarm.
- Yeah. Go back.

I'm sorry. There's no fire here.

Thank you. Thank you, Officer.

May I?

Oh.

Mr. Mooney, what
are you doing here?

I work here.

I'm... I'm the president
of the bank, remember?

- Oh, yes, that's right.
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- May I give you a light?

Oh.

Don't you think it would
help if you had a cigarette?

Oh, yes.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

If you'll excuse me, I
have to get some papers,

get back to that meeting.

Ladies, there's no fire in here.

There's no fire in here.

No, no. There's no fire here.

What's taking you so long?

Just give me one more minute.

All right, exactly
one more minute.

All right.

False alarm again, folks.

We're fine.

False alarm.

There's no fire in here.

I don't know what they're doing.

What are you doing in here?

I told you, I have
to cash a check.

Will you get out
of here? Get out!

Okay.

Officer.

Thank you.

Fire!

Hey, there's a real fire.

- Fire!
- Come on!

Come on!

Don't panic, folks.

Don't panic.

Just let the firemen in.

The door is locked.
Get the glide!

Come on. It's closed.

- Come on. Come on.
- Never mind.

Get the battering ram!

Here. What's going
on? What's going on?

Don't worry, Mr. Mooney.

Just a little fire.

Oh, a fire. Fire?!

Well, don't stand...

I've got to call New Rochelle.

No need to call New Rochelle.

Your Danfield Women's Volunteer
Fire Department is on the job.

What...? Ahh!

- No need... No...
- Oh, my God.

Okay, here you go.

Oh...

No. Get out of here!

Oh! There's a fire. Oh!

All right, you know
what you have to do.

All right, evacuate.

No. Hands off me.

You have to be evacuated
by the Danfield Volunteers.

- Come on. No, I'm staying here.
- The captain's orders.

- You gotta evacuate.
- I'm going to stay.

I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney,
but you have to go.

Only firemen are
allowed in here.

I'm going to stay right here.

A good bank president
goes down with his vault.

Remove Mr. Mooney.

Remove Mr. Mooney.

Help! Help! Let me down!

Hey! I'd better get back in!

All right, girls, you know
what you're supposed to do.

Get those axes. Use those.

All right. Bagley!

May I ask what you're doing
with that fire extinguisher?

I'm putting out the fire.

Why do you want to
do a thing like that?

Well, I'm sorry, but I thought

firefighters were
supposed to put out the fire.

We aren't through
demonstrating how

to get the smoke
out of the building.

- Now, stop it.
- Oh, okay, okay.

Oh, oh, get out!

Oh, my bank! Oh!

Mooney, I thought you were
ordered to leave the bank!

My place is here
with my loved ones.

Your family isn't here.

I mean my money.

- But you're in danger.
- I am not leaving!

All right, if you don't
want to save your life,

- I'll have to.
- Oh, fine, you can save my life.

Girls, get that stretcher!

What have you
done to this place?

Get that stretcher and
get Mooney out of here.

Look at this! Look at
the mess you've made.

- What are you doing?
- All right, snap to it.

- Get him out of here.
- Come on, now, cut it out!

Get him out of here.

I'm not...

moving.

Put me down! Put me down!

All right, start the
wind machines.

Turn on that one in
back of the teller's cage.

- Behind the teller's cage.
- This way.

Yeah, and you turn
on the other one.

Okay, now, let's put
out those raging flames.

- Get 'em out.
- Come on, Viv.

- Put out the smoke bomb.
- Put it out now? Now, Lucy?

Yeah.

There she is. That's...

Oh, no!

Oh, no, my money.

- My beautiful money.
- All right, kill the fans.

- Kill the fans.

Mr. Mooney, I'm sorry

about your beautiful
money, but don't worry.

- We'll get it all back.
- Oh?

The big thing is, the fire
is out, your bank is safe,

thanks to the Danfield Women's
Volunteer Fire Department.

Yeah, you misera...

Well, now, did we
get the appropriation?

- Appropriation?
- Yes, sir.

We okayed that
before the fire started.

Thanks a lot, Captain Bigmouth.

All right, come on, girls,
let's not stand around.

We got to get busy
and clean up the bank.

Yeah, clean up the bank.

- Clean up the bank.
- Be careful with that money.

Be sure and stack it properly.

- You know...
- Okay, here's a one.

- Well, thank you. Thank you.
- Here's a five and...

- Uh, put it somewhere.
- There's a hundred.

A hundred?!

- Oh. Here you are.
- Here...

There you are.

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