The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 8 - Lucy Decides to Redecorate - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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♪♪

Lucy?

Do you mind if I ask
what you're doing?

I just want the house to
look as crummy as possible.



Mr. Mooney's coming over.

Oh, I thought maybe
you were trying

to get the Bad Housekeeping
Seal of Approval.

No. Do you think it
looks crummy enough,

so the old tightwad will give
me money to redecorate?

I doubt it.

To get Mr. Mooney to
dip into your trust fund,

you'll have to set
fire to the drapes.

Whoa, that's an idea.

Oh, come now.

What started this
redecorating kick, anyway?

Well, I just decided to take
a look at this living room.

You know, like I was
seeing it for the first time.

And may I say, blech!



Well, I thought it looked fine

until you started
pulling it apart.

Well, I'm so sick of
this color scheme.

And how did you ever talk me

into buying a purple chair?

Well, now, it was kind of
chic at the time. I thought...

But it's such a purple purple.

Yeah, now that you
mention it, it is pretty purply.

Well, boy, it's got to go.

Say, if you want the
place to look crummy,

don't forget about
the cigarette burns.

Ooh, that's a good idea.

Let's uncover all of them.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, there's a new one.

When did we get that one?

Last Saturday night when Eddie
brought me home from the movies.

He was kissing me good night,

and he missed the
ashtray with his cigar.

Boy, Eddie's a sloppy smoker.

Yeah, but he's a neat kisser.

Well, let's see now.

I'm going to have the chair
and the ottoman upholstered,

and I'm going to
have the springs fixed.

What's the matter
with the springs?

Don't you remember?
Here's where the kids landed

when they were trying
out their parachute jumping.

That's why we put
the board in here.

I forgot all about that.

And I want a new
lamp shade and I want

to have the table refinished.

Mm-hmm.

That should come to about $200.

Yeah, about $200.

And then the new
wall-to-wall carpeting.

That should be another
$500, don't you think?

New carpeting?

There's nothing the matter
with this carpet, Lucy.

You'll never get
Mr. Mooney to go for $700.

If I were you, I'd
settle for the $200.

That's exactly
what I plan to do.

Oh, you are a sly one, girl.

- Mr. Mooney.
- Yeah.

- Here. Take that.
- Yeah.

Ooh, I wish I could
make this place crummier.

Oh, I know.

Here. Hide this.

Yeah?

Ah, hello, Mr. Mooney.

How much are you
overdrawn at the bank?

I am not overdrawn at the bank.

How much advance do you
want on next month's allowance?

I don't want any advance.

I must be in the wrong house.

Wh-What do you want?

Well, why don't you sit
down, and we'll talk about it?

Why should I sit down?

I can say "no" standing up.

Now, Mr. Mooney,

you're not nearly as
grouchy as you pretend to be.

Oh, yes, I am.

Please sit down.

Oh, don't sit there.

That's a nasty ink stain.

And you wouldn't be able

to put your feet
up there anyway.

Well, hello, Mr. Mooney.

Mrs. Bagley, how...

Does Smokey the Bear
know about you people?

Oh, mercy. Those
awful cigarette burns.

I'm surprised you could
see them, it's so dark in here.

Dark?

Yes, would you turn
on the lamp, dear?

I don't think it's dark in here.

Turn on the lamp, dear.

Oh, the lamp.

Yes.

Won't you sit down and relax?

What is this, a new game...

called "Sink the Banker"?

Oh, gracious, you
got the bad springs.

Here, let us help
you out of there.

Ne-Ne-Never mind.

Just tell me what it is you
wanted to talk to me about.

I'm quite sure you
didn't invite me over here

just to rearrange my sacroiliac.

No, Mr. Mooney,
as a matter of fact,

I wanted to discuss the terrible
condition of this living room.

I am so ashamed of it.

Oh, yes. We've had to
stop having company.

Yes. We have to have our
dates meet us down at the corner.

Well, it is pretty tacky.

Yeah, well, I'm glad you agree.

Now, to have everything
fixed, I'll need about $200.

$200?!

It's not that tacky.

Oh, but I have to have
everything redone,

so it won't look shabby
with the new rug.

New rug? What new rug?

The new wall-to-wall carpeting

that's going to
cost at least $500.

Oh, at least.

What's wrong with the rug?

Well, if you want
to know the truth,

there's nothing
wrong with the rug.

I'm just bored to tears with it.

Well, I'm sorry, but for $500,

you will just have
to remain bored.

But I can't stand
this rug, Mr. Mooney.

I can't stand it another
minute! Just makes me sick!

If I have to live with this rug
another minute, I'll scream!

Oh, she will, too.

I've just got to have a new rug.

I've just got to, that's all!

And don't think I'm going
to give up the rug and settle

for just having the chair
and the ottoman upholstered

and having the spring fixed
and having a new lampshade.

And the table refinished.

Well, that's what
you're going to settle for,

whether you like it or not.

But, Mr. Mooney...

$200! Take it or leave it.

Well...

all right.

I'll take it.

But I must say, you
drive a hard bargain.

You'll have to get up
pretty early in the morning

to get the best of
Theodore J. Mooney.

Hi.

Hi, girl!

May I ask what you are doing?

I'm spraying the sofa.

What?

I am spraying the sofa.

I thought you were
going to send it out

and have it reupholstered.

No. I got a whole new idea.

I found it in the
magazine Young Moderns.

How did you get hold of a
copy of Young Moderns?

I lied about my age.

Anyway, I saw this
ad in the magazine.

It was all about upholstering
and spraying furniture.

You know, with the money
we save by doing it ourselves,

we could both get new outfits.

- New outfits.
- Yeah.

Oh, I'm for that.

Lucy?

Yeah?

Shouldn't you be
doing that outside?

Oh, no. The girl in the ad
was spraying all her furniture

right in her living room,

and she didn't spill a drop.

And she was wearing a
yellow satin evening gown.

Oh.

Why don't you go change your
clothes and help me, honey?

I'll do that.

Viv? Viv?

Viv!

Ooh!

Aah!

Lucy, were you calling me?

Yeah, but never mind now.

This darn paint spray is broken.

Oh.

I think I know what's
the matter with it.

Well, good. Come over
here and help me fix it, then.

This always helps.

Viv!

Viv!

Viv!

I can't turn it off
now. It's stuck!

It's stuck, Viv. Do something!

Pull out the plug.

Pull out the plug, Viv.

It's stuck!

Oh, Viv. Hurry up.

Oh, no...

That was a dumb thing to do.

Well, I thought it wouldn't work
because it wasn't plugged in.

Look at this mess.

Yeah. Well, I guess
we'd better get busy

and wash the walls
and the drapes, huh?

For your information, this
paint does not wash off.

It doesn't?

No, it doesn't.

Now we're going to
have to paint all the walls

and buy new draperies.

And there goes our new outfits.

Our new outfits?!

Lucy, didn't I say to you,

"Don't you think you ought
to be doing this outside?"

And you said, "Oh, no.

The girl in the ad
in Young Moderns

sprayed her couch
right in the living room.

Okay, Viv. Never mind that.
We've got a lot of work to do.

Now, don't just stand there.

Why didn't you change
into your work clothes?

I couldn't find my
yellow satin dress.

It isn't plugged in.

- It isn't plugged in.
- Go on.

Whew! I'm finally finished.

I didn't know painting
was such hard work.

Neither did I.

Honestly, I don't know
how Picasso does it.

Yeah, only had to give
his paintings one coat.

Lucy, do you realize
we've been painting

since 7:30 this morning,

and it's 9:30 now?

You're telling me.

Boy, I'm tired.

You think you're tired.

Walls are hard to do!

Try painting 20 stairs.

My back is just killing me.

Oh, my kneecaps
will never be the same.

Oh, my muscles
are all throbbing.

Oh, the pain, the pain!

Okay, Lucy, you
win the ouch-athon.

Anyway, it was all worth it.

Doesn't it look beautiful?

I'll tell you in the morning
when my eyes are open wider.

Yeah, boy, I'm sleepy.

Oh, you think you're sleepy.

All right, Viv, let's
not start that again.

Come on, let's go to bed.

What's the matter?

You can't walk up those
stairs... They're all wet!

That's what you think.

I am walking up those
stairs and to my room,

and you can repaint
them tomorrow.

Over my dead kneecaps!

Where are we going to sleep?

Right down here.

On what? You said
the couch and the chair

have got to be reupholstered.

Well, I wasn't gonna
take any more chances

with that evil
little paint spray.

But, uh, we can sleep
right here on the rug.

See how nice and soft it is?

On a rug?

Yeah.

Where do you think
they got that expression:

"Snug as a bug in a"?

Snug as a bug in a.

I'll see you in the morning.

- Where are you going?
- I'm gonna go

out in the garage
and sleep in the car.

That's a good
idea... I'll go with you.

- Okay.
- Oh, boy.

- Whew.
- Oh, wait a second,

I got to get us some blankets.

Aah!

You were gonna let
me do that, weren't you?

Uh-huh.

Here, there must
be something here.

Okay.

Oh, we'd better
leave the kids a note

and tell them we're
sleeping out in the garage.

Yeah.

Oh. And tell them to be
sure and not come downstairs

in the middle of the night,
or they'll ruin the paint.

And put it right down there,
so they see it when they get up.

I guess I've been in...
inhaling too many paint fumes.

I guess so.

♪♪

How come you get to
sleep in the backseat?

Because there's a
steering wheel in front.

How come I'm stuck
with the steering wheel?

This happens to be
my car, remember?

Well, this happens to be
my garage, remember?

Okay, I'll sleep in my car,
and you sleep in your garage.

Good night.

- Lucy?
- What?

Why don't you close
the garage doors?

It'll make it warmer.

Oh, those old warped things

haven't closed in years.

Oh.

- Viv?
- Huh?

You forgot to
turn out the light.

You were the last
one in... You turn it out.

I'm too tired.

Now, Lucy, you know I can't
sleep with a light in my eyes.

I can.

Good night.

Oh...

Oh, now, that
was a sneaky trick!

Yeah, wasn't it?

Well, good night. I'll
see you in the morning.

Where're you going?

I am going to walk up
your freshly painted stairs

and go to my nice, warm bed.

Speaking of sneaky tricks...

Well, you must remember

I've been an apprentice
for years to a master sneak.

Take your old backseat back.

Thank you.

Do you know you just hit me
on the head with that door?

Well, you shouldn't
have had your head there.

Whew. Try to get
comfortable in this place.

Were you brought up in a barn?

Oh.

- Viv?
- Hmm?

I'm freezing.

So am I.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey, why didn't I
think of this before?

What are you doing?

I started the motor so I
could turn on the heater.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Oh! I'm sleepy.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh! When I think of the hours
it took me to paint that wall!

It's hard to believe
this all happened

because I can't stand purple.

Watch out for the paint, kids!

Phew! What happened?

Holy cow!

So that's what the crash was.

Mother, what happened?

Well, we had a little accident.

Talk about your women drivers!

Sherman, honey, look at my car

and see if there's a dent in it.

Yeah, there's a
big one right here.

Oh, that's been
there for three years.

- It was not there.
- Oh, Viv.

- It wasn't there until you...
- Who's that?

Who's that?

Mr. Mooney!

I've got to use your telephone!

There's been a terrible
accident in the neighborhood.

I was driving by...
Good evening.

I heard this crash...

What is your car doing
in your living room?

Well, uh...

Yeah, where were you
going at this time of night?

Why were you both
in the backseat?

Who the heck was driving?

Well, those are all good
questions, aren't they, Viv?

Oh, splendid questions.

Yeah, and we want to answer
them as soon as we can,

but first I'd like to ask
Mr. Mooney something.

What's that?

Well, what shape do you think

we should make
our swimming pool?

Rectangular or kidney-shaped?

Well, I favor the...

the conventional
rectangular pool myself.

- Yeah, me, too.
- Yeah.

Your swimming pool?!

Now, now, Mr. Mooney,

don't tell me I
can't put one in.

I've just got to have
one, and don't think

that you're going
to get me to settle

for just putting in
a whole new wall.

Because I have got to
have a swimming pool!

And you-you have
to pay for my car.

Yes, it will be a
wonderful place

for the children next summer.

And remember President
Kennedy's fitness program

and how he feels about
people getting lots of exercise.

And he wants people to walk,
and he wants people to swim,

and he wants people
to be in very good shape!

Come on, Lucy.

I've been waiting in the car.

We'll be late for the movie.

Oh, you go ahead.

I'd rather stay here and
look at my new upholstery.

Okay. I'd rather look at
Cary Grant's upholstery.

All right, Mrs. Carmichael.

Will you explain this bill
from Paisley the plumber?

Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.

I'm glad you dropped by.

How do you like
my new living room?

Uh, it's, uh, very nice.

But would you mind telling
me why repairs to a wall

and the reupholstery
of some furniture

involves a plumbing
bill for $285?

Well, it's kind of a long story.

Well, I have plenty of time.

Give him the
condensed version, Lucy.

I don't like to
keep Cary waiting.

Well?

Well, it all started because
we wanted to hang that picture

on that wall over there.

What are those
shutters doing there?

Well, I-I was getting to that.

You see, I didn't want to
make a big hole in the plaster,

so I took a hammer...
A very little hammer...

And ever so gently
tapped on the wall

to find a 2x4 so I
could put a nail in it.

And, well, by George,

I hit the wall and made
a big hole anyway.

Go on.

Anyway, we put
in the pass-through,

and then we discovered

that when the
shutters were open,

you could look right from
our smart, new living room

into our tacky,
old-fashioned kitchen.

So, there was only
one thing to do.

Well, I see you got rid

of the wood-burning
stove and the pump handle.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Yeah, so that's what the
plumbing bill is all about.

Okay, Viv, let's
go to the movies.

Ut, tut, tut,
tut, tut, tut, tut.

Let me get one point clear.

Now that I've seen how
nice the house looks,

you expect me to authorize

the payment of
those bills, don't you?

Oh, would you be
a love and do that?

No, I will not be
a love and do that.

Now, just a minute, Mr. Mooney.

If you think you're
going to talk me out

of going on that world cruise

and only pay my
remodeling bills,

you can think again.

A world cruise will be very
educational for the children.

They visit many, many countries.

They learn many, many languages.

They learn about
exchanging monies.

A world cruise is
very, very important.

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