The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 10 - Lucy and the Military Academy - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Are you almost finished
with that nametag, Viv?

All finished. The last one.

Okay, thanks.

Let's see now.

I have pajamas, handkerchiefs,
socks, T-shirts, sweater.

Hand me that
tennis racket there.

I think I have everything.

For heaven's sake, Lucy.



Are you sure Jerry
needs all this stuff?

Well, now, it's not my fault.

The military academy
gave me a list

of everything that he
would need, and this is it.

- Help me close this, will you, honey?
- Okay.

- Oh.
- Tuck it in all around the side there.

Tuck it...

Maybe it'd help if we
took out the tennis racket.

It might help if we
took out my hand!

- Oh!
- Aah!

Boy, that smarts!

Oh, Lucy, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

Oh, there's so much stuff...



I know. Well, I'm gonna
have to rearrange a little bit.

- Hi. -Hi, there, darling.
- Oh. Hi, sweetheart.

Did you say good-bye

to all your little friends
at the drugstore?

What a farewell blast.

Oh, a blast, huh?

Amy bought me a soda.

Oh, well, that was
a grand gesture.

Big deal.

One soda, two straws.

Now, Jerry, I hope you
shared 50-50 with Amy.

Well, I'm afraid I
drank most of it.

Oh, honey.

I couldn't help it.

I'm the fastest
straw in the west.

Fastest straw in the west.

Well, I hope you're the
fastest dresser in the west,

because Colonel Anderson's
gonna be here to pick you up.

Now, hurry up there.

- Let me rearrange some of this stuff, Viv.
- Okay.

You know, going
to military academy

is going to be just
wonderful for Jerry.

It sure is.

I'm so glad you
decided to send him.

Well, he needs
male companionship.

You know, around here,
he's with women all the time.

And at Longridge Academy,

he's gonna be completely
surrounded by men.

Ooh! I wonder if they'd
let me enroll as a cadet.

Oh, stop.

Let's give this
another try here now.

- Mom?
- Yes, dear.

- Has Jerry left yet?
- No.

He's upstairs putting
on his uniform.

Oh, good.

I was afraid I wouldn't
get to say good-bye.

Oh, Lucy, this
suitcase is a lost cause.

Come on, now, give it a try.

Yeah, press down there.

How do I look, Mom?

Oh, Jerry!

Oh, Jerry! You look sensational!

Why, you look just
like a real soldier!

Doesn't he, Lucy?

Yeah. A real soldier.

You look so grown up.

Yeah.

Ooh, you look so
handsome in your uniform.

Oh, you'll have to
have your picture taken

so I'll have it here to
look at while you're gone.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.

- Oh, that must be Colonel Anderson.
- Gone?

Oh, d-d-don't let him in!

What are you talking about?

Well, what's he doing here?

You know perfectly well
what he's doing here.

He's taking Jerry
to military academy

so he'll have male
companionship...

and get him away from women.

Well, what's wrong with
women all of a sudden?

Oh, Lucy.

Cadet Carmichael?

Hi, Colonel Anderson.

At Longridge Academy,
when we address an officer,

we say, "Yes, sir," and salute.

Yes, sir.

Now get your gear ready,
and we'll be moving out.

Yes, sir.

Gear? Moving out?

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,
nice seeing you again.

Nice seeing me again.

Oh.

I'm Mrs. Bagley, uh, her friend.

Mrs. Carmichael's friend.

Mrs. Bagley, Mrs.
Carmichael's friend.

How do you do, Colonel?

And this is Jerry's
sister, Chrissy.

- How do you do, sir?
- Yes.

- Chrissy.
- Uh-uh.

- Uh-uh.
- Well, we'd better be hurrying along.

Are you ready, Cadet Carmichael?

Not quite, sir.

I'm having trouble
closing my suitcase.

Yes. Yes. We've had a lot of
trouble closing that suitcase.

I'll tell you what.

I'll go out tomorrow and
buy him a larger suitcase,

and I'll bring him up to the
academy myself tomorrow.

That won't be necessary,
Mrs. Carmichael.

I've had years of experience
with this sort of thing.

Allow me.

You see? You see?

Too much gear,
not enough suitcase.

Now, look, I'll go out

and buy him a larger
suitcase tomorrow, really, I will.

And I'll bring him up to the
academy first thing tomorrow,

or the day after,

depending how long it takes
to get that monogrammed.

I am sure I can manage.

This suitcase will close if
it knows what's good for it.

After all, I'm the colonel.

Mission accomplished.

Well, now, that's
using your head.

Sir.

All right, Cadet
Carmichael, we're ready now.

Yes, sir.

Good-bye. Good-bye, honey.

Bye, Mom, sir.

Oh.

Look, dear, be sure and
wash behind your teeth

and brush your ears.

And be a good boy
and mind the colonel.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

And-And, honey, I'll be
up to see you in a few days.

Uh, Mrs. Carmichael, we
have a rule at the academy.

No parents are allowed

to visit the new cadets
for the first two weeks.

For two weeks?!

That's 14 days!

I'm aware of that.

It was all in the brochure we
sent you about the academy.

Well, uh, I-I... I'm
afraid I missed that.

Well, for long
years of experience,

we have learned that
our policy is beneficial,

both for the child
and the parent,

during the cadet's
orientation period.

Well, shall we go, Cadet?

Yes, sir.

Uh, honey, don't
forget to write now,

and I'll be up to see
you in two weeks.

- One minute after midnight.
- Yeah.

Yeah. No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. I forgot.

Here's some postcards, honey.

They're all stamped
and addressed.

- And you write me twice a day.
- Yes, well...

The minute you get up and
before you go to bed at night...

Bye-bye, Jerry.

- Have a wonderful time, Jerry.
- Bye.

Good-bye, honey.

I've lost my baby.

Oh, dear.

No mail from Jerry.

I thought sure
I'd get a postcard.

Lucy, he just left
yesterday afternoon.

There's no way he
could have sent you one

unless he mailed it
on his way out of town.

Well, I just want to know
if he got there safely.

There's a lot of traffic
on that road, you know.

With Colonel Anderson in charge,

you don't have a
thing to worry about.

If traffic gets too
heavy, he'll sit on it.

Oh, dear.

I know what I'm going to do.

What are you going to do?

I don't know why I
didn't think of this before.

I'll call him.

Oh.

Hello?

Hello. This is Mrs. Carmichael.

May I speak to my
son, Jerry, please?

Pardon?

Well, yes, I-I knew it
was against the rules

to visit them for
the first two weeks,

but I never dreamed
you-you weren't allowed

to speak to them on the phone.

Hello?

Hello?!

I guess they got another call.

Against the rules, huh?

Apparently.

They sure have a lot
of rules around there.

Colonel Anderson runs it
like it was a jail or something.

You'd think they'd give a
little boy one call to his mother.

I know a way to
get to talk to him.

Longridge Military Academy?

This is long distance.

I have a call

for Jerry Carmichael from
Long Beach, California.

I have my party on the line.

Go ahead, Long Beach.

Hello. This is
Abigail Carmichael,

Jerry's 99-year-old
great-grandmother.

I was wondering

if I could speak
to the little nipper.

Against the rules?

Well, at my age, I don't
pay attention to rules.

Rules, rules, rules. Push tush.

No. Young man, if
you'll just skedaddle

and put my great-grandson
on the line, I'd appreciate it.

Well, the same to you, Corporal.

Now, how did he
know that was me?

Oh, look, Lucy, you
might as well be patient,

and in two weeks, you
can go up to the school

and spend a whole
afternoon with Jerry.

But two weeks is
such a long time.

What if he's changed so
much I don't recognize him?

I could spend the whole
afternoon with the wrong boy.

Viv, I finally
found that picture

of Jerry at the beach.

Another picture?

Don't you think you
have enough pictures

of Jerry around this room?

Well, these pictures
are all I have.

These and my memories.

Oh, Lucy, he's only
been gone for three days.

Well, it's easy for you to talk.

You still have your
Sherman at home.

He hasn't answered
his country's call yet.

He's only gone
to military school.

He isn't overseas.

Well, he might as
well be overseas.

I can't visit him, and
every time I call him,

they won't let met talk to him.

Well, for goodness sakes,
you've got pictures of him

from the time he was
one week old to ten years.

If you turn your head fast,

he grows up right
before your eyes.

Well, thank goodness
I've got these pictures.

He's gonna be at
Longridge until he's a senior.

Then he's gonna go to college.

And then he'll get married.

And if I know that wife of his,
she'll never let me visit him.

Lucy, get hold or yourself.

Wonder where I should put these.

Back in the attic
where you found them.

Never mind.

I'm gonna put 'em right there.

Honestly. I'm surprised
you didn't dig up a curl

from his first haircut.

Oh, would you
like to see it, Viv?

Oh, Lucy.

You're just being ridiculous.

Well, I don't care.

I'm so worried about him.

How do I know he's all right?

Because he's in a
very good school,

and they're taking
very good care of him.

Now, you can rest...

The mailman!

That's the mailman!

- Good...
- Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.

Good morning. It's from Jerry!

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

"Dear Mom..."

Dear Mom? He still remembers me!

"They blow the bugle at
6:30, and we have to get up.

"I eat everything on my plate.

"Say hello to everybody.

"Having a wonderful time.

Your son, Jerry."

See? What did I tell you?

You have nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about.

That's what you think.

I can read between the lines.

What do you mean,
between the lines?

They blow the bugle at
6:30, and he has to get up.

Has to get up.

He doesn't want to
get up. You know that.

He likes to stay in bed
and hide under the covers.

He hates it there.

Oh, Lucy.

And get this.

"I eat everything on my plate."

You know he always
leaves something.

Why does he eat
everything on his plate?

Because they don't
give him enough.

They're starving him to death.

Oh, come now.

Look at this.

"Having a wonderful time."

Now, what comes after
having a wonderful time?

A period.

I don't mean that.

I mean the expression...
Having a wonderful time.

What comes after that?

Wish you were here.

He wishes I were
there, that's what.

And you know why?

Because the poor little
darling is homesick, sleepy,

and half-crazed with hunger.

Oh, now, honey,
if he felt like that,

don't you think
he would tell you?

How could he?

He wouldn't dare
tell me the truth

because of military censorship.

Oh, Lucy!

I'm going up to that
academy right now.

Now, remember the rule.

You can't visit a
cadet for two weeks.

Vivian, my place is with
my son in the trenches.

May I help you, ma'am?

I-I'd like to see Colonel
Anderson, please.

I'm Mrs. Carmichael.

Yes, ma'am.

Won't you have a seat?

Oh, thank you... sir.

Colonel Anderson, sir,

a Mrs. Carmichael to see you.

Yes, sir.

He'll be right out, ma'am.

Thank you, sir.

Hut, two, three, four!

Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!

Have you declared war on
some other military academy?

I beg your pardon, ma'am?

Well, those guns and
the way you're dressed.

These uniforms are for
training maneuvers, ma'am.

Oh. Oh, training maneuvers.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh.

Clark, give this
uniform to George Curry

- when he gets off sentry duty.
- Right.

At ease.

Well, Mrs. Carmichael...

Oh, Colonel Anderson,
how are you, sir?

You know, I wasn't
expecting a visit from you

until one minute after
midnight, 11 days from now.

I know. I know.

And I'd like to say that
that's a wonderful rule

you have about parents
not being allowed

to visit for the
first two weeks.

Yes, we think it's a
wonderful rule, too.

And I'm certainly glad

that you're in accord
with our policy.

So, what are you doing here now?

Oh, well, believe me, sir,

I would not be here unless
this was a very special occasion.

You see, it's little
Jerry's birthday,

and he and I always
celebrate together.

How sweet.

Yes, and I brought
a very large cake

so he could share
with his fellow cadets.

So, if you'll just show
me where his room is,

I'll just run in and
light the candles

on the cake and cut the
cake, and pass the paper hats

and pin the tail on the
donkey, and run right out again.

Well, that is really
a delightful idea.

I would be in accord with
it, except for one thing.

Oh, what's that, sir?

According to your
son's application,

his birthday was
three weeks ago.

"Three weeks ago"?

Yes.

Oh, dear!

Well, if-if, if his birthday
was three weeks ago

and-and I missed it, then
I've got to take him the cake,

so that he knows that his mommy
didn't forget him completely.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,

there's no use with
going on with this.

Both you and I know
why you're here.

So, give me the cake and I
will see that Jerry and his friends

- get it.
- But, you don't know what it's like

being separated from your
only son for the first time.

You don't know what
we mothers go through.

You don't know what I go through

because of what you
mothers go through.

What do you mean by that?

- Cadet Clark.
- Yes, sir?

We have homemade cake
every night of the semester

thanks to mother love
and a large freezer.

- Cadet Clark.
- Yes, sir?

Will you please show Mrs.
Carmichael to the gate?

The gate, sir?

Yes, the gate.

Yes, sir.

Good-bye, Mrs. Carmichael.

And we will see you
on the first visiting day.

Yes, sir.

Pardon me a moment, ma'am.

Reception desk,
Cadet Clark speaking.

Yes, sir.

Uniform for the day is
lowerclassmen dress,

intermediate-classmen fatigues,

upperclassmen training
maneuver uniforms.

Yes, sir, obstacle course
training schedule, 1300.

Drill, 1400.

No, sir, only if it rains.

No, sir, I don't
think that'll happen.

Roger, yes, sir.

I beg your pardon for the
delay, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, that's quite all right.

- Cadet Clark.
- Yes, ma'am?

Uh, just so I don't
waste any time

when I come on visiting day,

could you give me an idea
where Cadet Carmichael

is bivouacked, or bunked,
or whatever it is you call it?

Oh, he's in Wellington Hall.

Oh, I see, and
just where is that?

- Well, go through
these doors, - Uh-huh.

- Across the drill
field, - Mm-hmm.

- And past the library.
- Oh, through these doors,

across the drill field
and past the library.

- Yes, ma'am.
- I see.

Thank you.

Oh, yes.

Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!

Step off! Be right!

Hut, two, three, four! Chin up!

Hut, two, three, four!

Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!

Hut, two, three, four!

Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!

Hut, two, three,
four! Squad, halt!

Cadet! You!

Front and center, on the double!

- Shouldn't you be in class?
- No, sir.

I've never seen you before.

No, sir.

Oh, uh, you must be that, uh,

- transfer from Rockingham.
- Transfer from Rockingham.

Yes, and your name
is Cadet, uh, uh...

- uh, Cosgrove.
- Cosgrove.

Well, uh, fall in,
Cadet Cosgrove.

Over there.

Left face!

Over there in the
other line, Cosgrove.

Now, you know, men,
your parents have asked us

to make you complete soldiers...

Cosgrove!

Chin in!

Shoulders back!

Stomach in!

Eyes front!

Now today, we'll
practice assembling rifles.

And I want it done under
the 35-second record.

Ya-ho!

How was that again?

Ya-ho!

Ten seconds!

20 seconds!

25 seconds!

And fall in to
inspection, all right!

Let's go! That's the way.

We'll now proceed
to the obstacle course.

Left shoulder, hut!

Right face!

Forward! March!

Cosgrove!

Fall in line!

Hut, two, three, four!

Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!

Hut, two, three, four!

Squad... halt! Hut, two!

Cosgrove. Left face!

Now, we'll fall out and
assemble at the obstacle course.

Cadet Thornton
will illustrate to you

how to run the obstacle course.

Are you ready, Cadet Thornton?

Hit it! Go!

One-two, on the double!
Everything on the double!

Swing there, boy! Swing there.

That's it! Now, up and over!

That's the way.

Right there. Go!

Go there, man.

Very good, Cadet
Thornton. Now, in this order,

Blake, Kelly, Cosgrove,

Schneider, Altman... hit it!

Go! Hut!

Fast, men!

Fast, fast, fast!

Fast, fast... there you go.

There you go. Swing it over!

Swing it.

Swing it back. Swing it.

Double time! Double
time. Double time.

What are you doing up there?!

Is this what they taught
you at Rockingham?

Get him down here!

Come on, Blake and
Kelly, get him down.

Go on, now.

On the double, men!

Up and over!

Up and over! Up and...

Oh!

Over, Cosgrove!

Over!

Over, Cosgrove.

All right, Blake!

Hit the pipe!

Go fast, men!

Cosgrove, hit the pipe!

Go there!

All right, Kelly, hit the pipe!

Come on, men, now, fast, fast!

Speed is a special thing!

Speed is a...

Cosgrove!

Ollie ollie oxen free.

I'm afraid I'm stuck, sir.

All right, men!

Disassemble the pipe!

Stuck in the pipe...

Who ever heard of
anything like that?

All right, now.

Come on, get out
of there, Cosgrove!

- I'm still stuck, sir.
- All right.

Stand him upright!

All right, now, get
out of there, Cosgrove!

I'm still stuck, sir.

All right, inhale!

Exhale! That ought to do it.

Slip it off!

Well, that's it for
me today, men.

All right, on the double.

Everybody, hit the showers!

Cosgrove, I said
go to the showers!

Well, I just don't
feel like it, sir.

What do you mean
you don't feel like it?!

- That's an order!
- I just don't feel dirty today.

Why, that's plain
insubordination!

You report to the
colonel's office immediately!

- Yes, sir.
- Hut, two, three, four!

Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!

Hut, two, three, four!

Jerry? Jer... Jerry!

Oh, wrong Jerry.

Jerry? Jerry, baby?

Jerry? Jerry?

Je... Jerry!

Jerry, baby!

Baby, it's me. How
are you, honey?

How are you? How have you been?

- I've missed you so.
- Beg pardon, sir?

It's me, Mommy.

Mom, what are you doing here

and why are you
dressed like that?

Oh, honey, I missed you
so. I just had to see you.

This is the only way I
could get into the academy.

Gosh, I missed you, too, Mom.

Oh, did you, baby?

And I miss Sherman and Aunt Viv.

And I even miss
my dumb, old sister.

Really, honey?

To tell you the truth,

I don't think I should
be sent away to school

until I'm more
emotionally secure.

At ease, men.

I heard what you
said about not being

quite ready for
Longridge and I agree.

Oh, yes. Yes,
yes... That's right.

We have to think of his
emotional insecurity, Colonel.

I wasn't thinking of his as
much as I was thinking of yours,

Mrs. Carmichael.

Now, why don't you
two gather your gear

and trot along home.

And come back and see us
in, oh, maybe a couple of years?

Oh, Colonel, that is...

See, you act stern and gruff,

but inside, you're just a
big, old, cuddly honey bear.

What?

- Sir.
- Attention!

Right face!

Forward march!

Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!

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