The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 22 - Viv Moves Out - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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What's for breakfast?

Toast and coffee.



That's all?

Well, the kids ate
all the oatmeal.

It'll do us good
to diet a little.

Oh, now, look, Lucy,

I've had nothing but toast
and coffee for a week.

Pretty soon, I'll
be skin and bones.

Viv, face it...

You could lose 30 pounds

before your skin even
gets near your bones.

Let's not get nasty.

Where's the butter?

And the sugar?

Honey, have you any idea
how many calories there are

in a teaspoon of
sugar or a pat of butter?



Oh, you're out
of those too, huh?

Look, Lucy, I pay good
money for room and board

and I expect a little
more for my breakfast

than burned bread
and brown water.

Mother Hubbard, how long is
your cupboard going to be bare?

Just a couple of more days

until I get my allowance
from Mr. Mooney.

I just got caught short
this month, that's all.

Oh, so that's why you
stretched that one chicken

so many ways this week.

Chicken potpie,
chicken à la king,

chicken hash.

I'm surprised you didn't
try to serve us creamed feet.

That's a thought.

Oh, no, you don't.

I just can't eat dry toast.

And I don't like
my coffee black.

I'll have a bite to eat downtown

before I get my hair done.

Oh, that explains
why you're so grumpy.

I am not grumpy.

Oh, yes, you are now, Viv honey.

But I don't mind.

You're always in a foul mood
when your roots need retouching.

Lucille Carmichael,
I will match my roots

against your roots any ol' time.

At least mine come in
black instead of gray.

Is that so?!

Yes, that's so!

Now you listen
here, Vivian Bagley,

don't you dare...!

The bus is here.

Talk to me like that!

What kind of sandwiches
do we have today, Aunt Lucy?

Delicious peanut butter.

Again?

Well, now it's very nourishing.

It's also very boring.

Gee, Sherman, I
don't understand you.

To me, peanut butter is the only
thing that makes life bearable.

Peanut butter... That's
all we eat around here

is peanut butter.

- Good-bye, dear.
- Bye.

I must say, Sherman gets
more like you every day.

That's right.

We're both suffering
from malnutrition.

Oh, for heaven's sake,
Viv, go get your hair done.

Don't rush me.

I'll go when I'm good and ready.

All right.

And I'll come back
when I'm good and ready.

All right!

Don't bother to
fix lunch for me.

I don't think I could take

another one of your
disagreeable meals.

Well, the meals
aren't the only thing

that are disagreeable
around here.

Well, if that's
the way you feel,

maybe I'll stay
away for dinner, too.

That's fine with me.

You can stay away
for breakfast, too.

Are you suggesting that
I stay away permanently?

I didn't say that,

but if that's what
you want, go ahead.

Is that what you want?

It is if that's what you want.

Well, okay.

After I get my hair done,

I'm gonna find a
new place to live.

Do that.

You just do that.

All right, I will.

And my roots are just
as black as yours are!

Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.

Now only your hairdresser
and I know for sure.

What in the world is
wrong with Mrs. Bagley?

Oh, we just had
a terrible fight.

Oh, another one of those.

Well, this one is serious.

She got all in a huff

just because I didn't
have a little pat of butter

and teaspoon of
sugar on the table...

Oh, please, please, please.

She shouldn't be worried
about a little sugar.

Mrs. Carmichael,
please, I beg of you...

Spare me the grubby details.

I came over here to
discuss your finances.

Well, I want to have
a talk with you, too.

Your financial affairs
are in the worst state

they have ever been in.

But I need money right away.

The only way you
will get any money

is to buy a small printing press

and learn how to draw a
picture of George Washington.

Oh, now it isn't that bad.

Oh, yes, it is.

You're spending
more than you have.

Now the first thing
you have got to do

is raise Mrs. Bagley's rent.

Well, that is going to
be a little hard to do.

Why?

Because she just
decided to move out.

Good grief!

Oh, what a tragic loss.

Oh, pooh.

I got a lot of other friends.

I wasn't referring
to her friendship.

I was referring to
the monthly check.

Well, I guess this will
put a little crimp in things.

Crimp?!

You are on the
verge of bankruptcy!

Boy, a little crimp
goes a long way.

The first thing we must
do is get you a new tenant.

A new tenant?

I'll put an ad in
the paper right now.

Wait a minute.

You can't rent Viv's room.

Why not?

Well, it-it just
doesn't seem decent.

It isn't even cold yet.

Mrs. Carmichael,
give me the phone.

No, I'm not ready to
rent Viv's room yet.

Very well.

Perhaps you're right.

You may need that
room later for the sheriff.

Sheriff?

Well, after all, he might
as well be comfortable

while he's waiting for you
to obey the eviction orders.

Oh, Chris, hang that
in the closet, will you?

I want the house to
look nice and neat.

Mr. Mooney's bringing
someone over to look at the room.

- Mom?
- Yes, dear?

Do we have to rent
to some stranger?

I'm afraid so, honey.

We need the money.

Do you think Aunt Viv
will ever come back?

Well, it doesn't look like it.

Haven't heard a word from
her since she huffed out of here

with all of her clothes.

Well, Sherman told Jerry

they're just miserable
in that motel.

Who cares.

You do.

There he is.

Hello, Mr. Mooney.

Yoo-hoo.

Mrs. Schaeffer, they're home.

Oh, she's a lovely lady.

She's looking for a place
for herself and her son.

And I've already quoted
her a price five dollars higher

- than Mrs. Bagley was paying.
- Oh.

Come in, come in.

There we are.

How do you do?

- This is Mrs. Schaeffer.
- How do you do, Mrs. Carmichael?

How do you do, Mrs. Schaeffer?

And this is my son Bob.

- Hello, Bob.
- Hello. How are you.

And this is my daughter Chris.

Hello.

Hello!

You know, Mom, I think
I'm gonna dig this pad.

I sure hope our
gig lasts a long time.

What'd he say?

He thinks Chris
is very attractive

and he hopes our
booking at the Elm Tree Inn

will be a long one.

- Oh, you're in show business.
- Yes.

Oh, yes, yes.

Mrs. Schaeffer is a singer.

And her son plays the drums.

Oh, how wonderful.

Well, I sure hope
your gig is a long one.

How would you
like to see the pad?

Uh... room?

- I sure would.
- Oh, fine, fine.

It's right up there.

I think I know where it is.

Just follow Mr. Mooney.

I sure hope you like
the room, Mrs. Schaeffer.

So do I.

If I have to stay one
more night in a hotel room,

I'll have the heebie-jeebies.

Yeah, I know.

Ooh, I hope they decide to stay.

Oh, me, too.

Gee, imagine... We'll
have real show biz people

living right under our roof.

That's pretty
exciting, isn't it?

Oh, he sure is.

I see you've changed your mind

about having a
stranger live here.

He's no stranger.

He's a doll.

Well, looks like you
have a couple of boarders.

Wonderful.

Oh, boy, that room
is the gnat's whistle.

Well, I'm so glad you like it.

Good. Well, it's all settled.

I'll get the stuff
out of the car.

I'll help you.

Crazy.

And now then, I have the
lease all made out here.

So if you ladies will just sign.

Robert, now remember,

don't play the cymbals too loud,
so they can hear Mother sing.

Okay.

And, Bill, you know how
to come in on that thing?

-Right.

And, Marl, you wait
for that one, two...

- up a lazy...
- I got you.

You know how it goes.

Hi, Lucy.

Hi.

Fellas, Lucy Carmichael.

- Hi.
- This is Marl and Bill.

- Hello.
- Lucy.

Hiya, cats.

I just know you're gonna
be a bunch of swingin' gates.

What did she say?

She means play it
cool like nervous, man.

Oh, I'm hip.

Okay, let's get started.

Do you mind if I listen?

- Oh, not at all.
- Thank you.

I'll turn on the tape.

All right, get that tape on.

- Okay?
- Okay, Mom.

♪ Up a lazy river
by the old mill run ♪

♪ The lazy river in
the noonday sun ♪

♪ Linger in the shade
of a kind old tree ♪

♪ Throw away your troubles ♪

♪ Dream a dream of me ♪

♪ Up a lazy river
where the robin's song ♪

♪ Greets a bright new morning ♪

♪ We can loaf along ♪

♪ Blue skies up above,
everyone's in love ♪

♪ Up a lazy river,
how happy we will be ♪

♪ Up a lazy river
with me, yeah ♪

♪ Up a lazy river
by the old mill run ♪

♪ The lazy river in
the noonday sun ♪

♪ Linger in the shade
of a kind old tree ♪

♪ Throw away your troubles ♪

♪ Dream a dream of me ♪

♪ Up a lazy river
where the robin's song ♪

♪ Greets the bright
new morning ♪

♪ We can loaf along ♪

♪ Blue skies up above,
everyone's in love ♪

♪ Up a lazy river, how
happy we will be, yeah ♪

♪ Up a lazy river with me. ♪

Gee, oh, that was just great!

- Oh, thank you very much.
- I just loved it.

Wait a minute, boys,
that's not quite right.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Chris.

How'd the committee meeting go?

Oh, just grim.

What happened?

Well, we still don't have
a band for the junior hop.

Les Brown and Stan
Kenton both turned us down.

Why?

I don't know.

We offered them $75.

Well, there must be
somebody you can get

if you're paying
that kind of money.

Yes, but who?

We don't have much time.

The dance is a week from Friday.

Well, too bad.

- Mom?
- What?

Do you suppose that I
could get Bob and his combo

for $75.00?

The way he looks at you,

I think you could
get him for free.

Although I think his mother
might cost a little more.

Well, all we need is the band.

I'm going to ask him right now.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetheart.

Is the band going to
rehearse again this afternoon?

That's right.

If I have to go up that
lazy river one more time,

I'll get seasick.

Now, Jerry, they
have to practice that

because it's their theme song
and they want it to be perfect

for tonight's opening.

But they must have
played it a hundred times.

Thirty-two.

They're paying boarders
and it's their business

if they want to play the
same tune over and over.

And over and over and over.

Never mind now.

I'm going to Peter's house.

It's so peaceful there.

His whole family is tone-deaf.

Okay, just make sure
you get home before dark.

Okay.

♪ Up a lazy river
by the old mill run ♪

♪ Lazy river in
the noonday sun ♪

♪ Linger in the shade
of a kind old tree ♪

♪ Throw away your troubles ♪

♪ Dream a dream of me ♪

♪ Up a lazy river ♪

♪ Where the robin's song ♪

♪ Greets the bright
new morning ♪

♪ We can loaf along ♪

♪ Blue skies up above,
everyone's in love ♪

♪ Up a lazy river,
how happy we will be ♪

♪ Up a lazy river
with me, yeah... ♪

One, two...

♪ Up a lazy river
by the old mill run ♪

♪ Lazy river in
the noonday sun ♪

♪ Linger in the shade
of a kind old tree ♪

♪ Throw away your troubles ♪

♪ And dream a
dream of me, yeah ♪

♪ Up a lazy river
where the robin's song ♪

♪ Greets the bright
new morning ♪

♪ We can loaf along ♪

♪ Blue skies up above,
everyone's in love ♪

♪ Up a lazy river,
how happy we will be ♪

♪ Up a lazy river with me. ♪

Oh, yeah.

Mom, I'm going to Randy's.

Okay, Mom?

Mom?

Oh, yeah, honey?

Do you have any
more of those earplugs?

No, I'm afraid not.

Then I'm going to Randy's.

Just a minute, young man.

Let me see that shirt.

You're not going anywhere
until you put on a clean shirt.

A clean shirt?

Randy will think I'm a dude.

You have a long way to go
before you become a dude.

Now march.

Lucy, I have something to say.

Now it isn't easy,

so I don't want
you to say a word

until I'm all finished.

I came over to apologize

for acting so grumpy
the other morning.

After all, you usually
serve pretty good meals

considering the
little bit of money

that you have to spend on them.

I really thought that was
delicious chicken hash.

And I'm very sorry for
what I said about your hair.

After all, just
between you and me,

there are plenty of silver
threads among my dyed gold.

You know, you are
my very best friend.

So what do you say we let
bygones be bygones, huh?

Sherman and I would
like to move back in

and be your tenants
again if you want us to.

Well, Lucy, what do you say?

Well, honestly

if I'm big enough
to come over here

and apologize, the
least you could do

is give me the
courtesy of an answer.

Oh, you're impossible.

I'll never speak to you
again as long as I live!

Mom.

Oh, Mom!

Yeah, honey?

They've stopped rehearsing,
so you don't need those anymore.

Oh, thank goodness.

The guys in the band

are giving me a
ride over to Randy's.

Oh, okay, honey.

And another...

Viv, boy, am I glad to see you!

Glad to see me?

I'll say.

Well, just a minute ago I
came in here and I apologized

and I told you I was sorry

and you wouldn't even
turn around and talk to me.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Oh, oh, I had my earplugs in my ears.
- Oh.

Viv, did you say you
wanted to make up?

I sure do.

Oh, so do I.

Oh, boy, have I missed you.

You have?

You bet I have.

I've missed you, too!

I missed you so much!

Oh, Lucy, wasn't that awful?

Why were you wearing
your earplugs, honey?

Well, I-I rented
your room to a singer

and she rehearses
all day with her band.

She's very good, but you can
get too much of a good thing.

Oh, you poor little thing.

You rented my room?!

Well, now-now
it wasn't my fault.

It was Mr. Mooney's idea.

When he found out
your room was vacant,

he almost broke out in hives.

Well, I guess we can't
move back in here after all.

Now wait a minute.

Roberta's awfully nice,

and maybe if I talk to
her and explain things,

maybe she'd move out.

Do you really think she would?

Boy, I hope so.

Come on, we'll go
talk to her right now.

Good.

Lucy, Lucy, can I talk to you?

Uh, I was just coming
in to talk to you.

Oh, Mrs. Bagley,
this is Mrs. Schaeffer.

How do you do, Mrs. Bagley?

How do you do, Mrs. Schaeffer?

Uh, what was it you
wanted to talk to me about?

My agent just called.

I've got an audition at
the Copa in New York,

Friday afternoon.

Oh, that's just wonderful.

Yeah, but now everything
seems to be all whopperjawed.

Whopperjawed?

Yeah, you see, if they like
me, I have to leave right away.

Would you consider
letting me out of my lease?

Well, I...

That's-that's, uh, a lot to ask,

but I, uh...

I think maybe I could do that.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Oh, Friday afternoon!

What?

Bob promised to
play for Chris' dance.

Oh, I forgot all about that.

Well, Chris will just have to
find another band in a hurry.

Oh, no, she won't.

Bob promised to
play for that dance,

and I've always taught
Bob to keep his promises.

Well, what will you do?

Can you get another
band for your audition?

Well, I can't afford
another band.

I guess it's just good-bye Copa.

And hello motel.

Uh, now wait a minute.

Uh, I know where you can
get another band for free.

- You do?
- Yeah.

- It's just for the audition, isn't it?
- That's all...

Just for the audition.

Well, now don't you worry
about a thing, Roberta.

I have just the group for you.

Oh, thank you. That's wonderful.

♪ Up a lazy river by
the old mill run... ♪

You know, I haven't played since
the Elk's parade two years ago

and my lip is still
in very good shape.

Oh, brother.

I'm surprised Roberta agreed
to go ahead with this audition

after she heard
us play yesterday.

Well, we're better than nothing.

That's a matter of opinion.

Well, we can't be too bad

or we wouldn't be
auditioning at the Copa.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Lucy.

Oh, hi, Roberta.

Hi.

Gentlemen, this is
not my regular band.

These are friends of mine
that came over to play for me.

Yes, I'm Lucy
Carmichael on the skins.

This is Vivian
Bagley on the old 88.

And this is Theodore
Mooney on the slush pump.

Hi.

I think we'll start off with

"Bill Bailey Won't You
Please Come Home."

- That'll be fine.
- Okay.

One, two, a-one, two...

♪ Won't you come
home, Bill Bailey ♪

♪ Won't you come home? ♪

♪ I've cried the
whole night long ♪

♪ You do the cookin',
honey, and I'll pay the rent ♪

♪ You know you done me wrong ♪

♪ After that rainy evening
you threw me out ♪

♪ Had nothing but
a fine-tooth comb ♪

♪ Now ain't it a
shame, I ain't to blame ♪

♪ Bill Bailey, won't you
please come home? ♪

♪ Won't you come
home Bill Bailey... ♪

One, two...

♪ After that rainy evening
you threw me out ♪

♪ With nothing but
a fine-tooth comb ♪

♪ Ain't it a shame,
I ain't to blame ♪

♪ Bill Bailey, won't
you please come ♪

♪ Bill Bailey,
won't you please ♪

♪ Bill Bailey, won't you
please come home? ♪

Roberta, you were
great, just great.

And we'd love to have
you here at the Copa.

I'll see you in the office.

- Oh, boy.
- Boy, how about that?

Oh, congratulations, Roberta.

You got the job.

Congratulations, dear.

We made a few clinkers, but
we weren't too bad, were we?

- Huh?
- We weren't too bad, were we?

Speak up!

We weren't too bad, were we?

Oh, wait a minute.

Earplugs.

You weren't taking
any chances, were you?

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