The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 21 - Lucy Takes a Job at the Bank - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Oh, dear.

I forgot to buy something.

What was it?

I don't know, but I must
have forgotten something...



I still have a dollar left.

Good. You've owed me
a dollar for three weeks.

Aw, now, Viv, give me that.

I need it.

That's all the money I have

until Mr. Mooney gives me
my allowance next month.

Well, okay.

You were almost mine
there for a minute, George.

Thanks.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi, honey.

- Mom?
- What?

I just counted my money,

and all I need is two
dollars and ten cents



and I'll have 30 whole dollars.

Well, that's wonderful, honey.

That will be my
half of the deal.

Deal?

Remember? Last summer you
said if I saved $30, you'd add $30

and we'd have enough.

Uh, well, yeah,
yeah, that's right.

Sure, with your $30 and my
$30 we'll have enough all right.

So maybe we can go into New
York next Saturday and buy it.

Buy what?

A tuba.

A tuba?

A tuba?

Oh, yes, of course, a tuba.

Boy, I'm gonna have a
brand-new secondhand tuba.

And I'm gonna take lessons.

And one of these days, I'll
get to play in the school band.

Of course you will, dear.

You know, Mom, this
might be the turning point

of my entire life.

Where did he get all that money?

Running errands and
saving out of his allowance.

It's just my luck to
have an industrious son.

Yep, it's too bad he
didn't take after you.

Viv, Jerry has got his heart set

on going into New York
Saturday to buy that tuba.

Now where am I
going to get the money?

Don't look at me.

Well, it looks like it's back
to the help wanted columns.

Where's that paper?

Right there.

Oh.

Here we are.

Ooh, listen to this.

"Airline stewardess wanted."

Oh, darn, it's not for me.

You have to be
between 20 and 27.

Yeah, you're at
that awkward age...

Too old for a stewardess

and too young
for Social Security.

Ooh, hey, maybe
I found something.

"Part-time job.

"No knowledge of
banking required.

Apply Mr. Mooney,
Danfield Bank."

That's it.

You've got to be kidding.

Mr. Mooney give you a job?

Well, he handles my finances.

He certainly knows
that I need money.

I bet he'd be glad to
let me work in his bank.

Work with him in his bank?

Well, why not?

Oh, look, the way
Mr. Mooney feels about you,

he practically hands
you your allowance

through the night deposit slot.

Oh, now, Viv.

He just pretends to be
a grumpy ol' tightwad

because he doesn't want
me to spend too much money.

Underneath, he's
a real sweetheart.

Do you really believe that?

No.

Oh, will you all
gather round, please.

Come out from behind there.

Before the bank opens,

I want to show you
a new safety device.

Would you step over
that way, please?

Now then, although
you can't detect it,

directly below
each teller's window

there is a trapdoor.

And under the counter
behind each window

is a button which
controls each door.

Now, over there by my desk

are some more buttons.

Now then, if a masked bandit
walks up to a teller's window,

whips out a gun and
demands all the cash on hand,

all the teller has to
do is press the button.

Now those buttons
over by my desk,

I will press in case any
of you tellers chicken out.

Uh, George,

will you press
button "A," please?

Now watch carefully.

Watch the floor in
front of the window.

See? It opens.

And until the police arrive,
our thug is snug as a bug.

Oh, Mr. Mooney,
that's just great.

That's the cleverest
thing I've ever seen.

Well, thank you, thank you.

It's my own invention.

His own invention.

Yes, I call it "Mooney's
Hide-A-Hood."

Bring it up now, George.

Thank you for your
attention, and...

oh, it's time to open the bank.

Another day, another dollar.

You can open the doors now.

Good morning.

- Good morning. -Good morning.
- Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

Oh. Oh, it's you,
Mrs. Carmichael.

What can I do for you?

It's about your ad in
the Danfield Tribune.

- You know someone who wants the job?
- Yes.

What's the name?

Lucille Carmichael.

Let me write that down.

"Lucille Carmichael."

When she gets here, you
have her come over to my desk

and we'll just...

Lucille Carmichael?!

Yes, sir, I'm just
the one to fill that job.

Oh, no, you're not.

Mr. Mooney, I don't
know why you say that.

After all, the ad says,

"No knowledge of
banking required."

There you have me.

You have about as little
knowledge of banking

as anyone I ever met.

Well, okay, then,
do I get the job?

No. Good day.

But, Mr. Mooney, please.

When you-when you
hear why I want the job,

I'm sure you'll
change your mind.

Oh, no, I won't.

I need money.

Well, surprise.

I want to buy a tuba.

A tuba?!

Yes, sir. It's for Jerry.

I promised to help
him buy a tuba.

Sorry.

All right then, you leave
me very little choice.

I am just going to
have to pester you

until you give me an
advance on my allowance.

I'm going to nag you,
I'm going to hound you,

and I'm not going to
give you a minute's peace.

And you know I can do it, too.

And I'm going
to start right now.

I need $30!

I need $30 and I
need it right now!

And I'm not leaving
this bank until I get it!

And if I don't get it, I'm
gonna hold my breath!

Please!

I know when I'm licked.

The job's yours.

Oh. I told Viv that you
were a real sweetheart.

Yuck.

Oh, pardon me, sir.

Yes?

Do you have a savings
account with our bank?

Why, no, I don't.

Oh, well, then could I have a
moment of your time, please?

Why, certainly.

Uh, the Danfield
Bank is very eager

for you to open a
savings account with them.

Now the Danfield Bank
has assets of over $8 million,

and has been
established since 1899.

65 years longer than
any other bank in town.

So if you open
your account today,

to show our gratitude, we
will give you this free toaster.

Now do it today, sir.

You never know when
an opportunity like this

will pop up again.

Now you take this, sir.

Go to the first window,
make your deposit,

bring it back to me and I
will give you your toaster.

I'll think it over.

Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, yes, sir.

Just what is the meaning
of that pop-up passbook?

Well, I-I just thought

it would give the
promotion a little bizazz.

65-year-old banks
frown on bizazz.

Well, sir, I just thought that
a cute approach might help.

And how many new
accounts have you gotten

with this cute approach?

Well, uh, I did a lot
better than I did yesterday.

Well, that
shouldn't be difficult,

because you didn't
get any yesterday.

Now just how many new
accounts have you signed today?

Uh, well, um...

Actually, none.

But, uh, I had two maybes,

three "I'd like
to think it overs"

and one sure prospect.

As soon as he goes
home and asks his mother.

Fine.

Well, now let's just forget

this pop-up scheme
here, shall we?

Mr. Mooney.

Now what?

Could I use your phone please?

Is it personal or business?

Oh, no, sir, it's business.

Mrs. Bagley promised
to come in today

and transfer all of her savings
from her New York bank,

and I can't imagine
what's keeping her.

Very well.

Oh, thank you.

Is this the button I
push for an outside line?

Not that one!

Those are the phone buttons.

Well, what are those others?

That is a secret.

Ooh, I love secrets.

Well, I'm not going to tell you.

This information can be
revealed only to employees.

Well, I'm an employee.

You are a part-time employee.

And unfortunately, you
are a full-time blabbermouth.

Mr. Mooney!

Are you all right, Mr. Mooney?

Well, Mrs. Carmichael,

now you know our little secret.

Is that to catch robbers?

No. No.

We put branches
over it and trap tigers.

Well, now it isn't my fault.

You should have taken
me into your confidence.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I want-I want to call Vivian.

Hello.

Viv, I thought you promised to
come down to the bank today.

I did.

Well, hurry up.

I need you.

Where have you been?

Now come on over here
and get your passbook.

Lucy, wait a minute.

What?

I'm not sure I'm
doing the right thing.

But, Viv, you promised.

I know I did, and I'd
like to help you out,

but, well, when I went
to take my savings

out of the Murray Hill
Bank, I felt kind of funny.

After all, my money's
been in there for 20 years.

That bank seems
like an old friend.

Well, I'm an old friend, too.

Well, I know that,
Lucy, but, uh...

Look at it this way, Viv...

When you have a big date,
does the Murray Hill Bank

let you borrow its
velvet evening coat?

No, no.

Mm-hmm.

But that bank seems so secure.

Are you sure my money
will be safe in this bank?

Oh, Viv, as safe as in
your mother's money belt.

Well, I don't know, Lucy.

- It's been a long...
- Look, look, look.

Now wait a minute.

If that's what you're
worried about...

Can you keep a secret?

Go on in there.

Go in there.

You see those buttons there?

Uh-huh.

Now look, if this
bank is being held up,

all somebody has to do is
push one of those buttons,

a trapdoor opens and
they dump the robbers

into the hole.

You just made that up
to try to convince me.

No, I didn't,
Viv. It's the truth.

Now you can take my word for it.

Now come on and
get your passbook.

It really works,
Lucy. It really works.

I didn't do it this
time, Mr. Mooney.

Then who did?!

Well, that button was
pushed by the finger

of one Mrs. Bagley.

Who-who is just
now here to transfer

all of her savings
from a New York bank

to your bank, Mr. Mooney.

Now, Mrs. Bagley, if
you'll step right over here,

- we'll take care of this transaction.
- Uh-huh.

You want some more coffee, Lucy?

No, thanks. I'll
be late for work.

I'm in enough trouble already.

If I don't get a new
account for that bank today,

I'm going to be
fired, I just know it.

What are you going to do?

I don't know. All I know is

I've got to get a new
account for that bank today.

- Ooh, I got to go.
- Me, too.

Where are you going?

- Back to bed.
- Oh.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

Hello.

Audrey dear, this is Lucy.

Oh, hi, Lucy.

How are things
going at the bank?

Well, frankly, not too
good. That's why I'm calling.

I want you to do me a big favor.

Oh, well, I'll do what
I can. What is it?

Well, I want you to
draw all your savings

out of the Danfield
Bank this morning

and redeposit
them this afternoon.

Lucy, that sounds
crazy even for you.

Listen, if you open
a new account,

you get a free toaster.

Oh, really?

Well, I could use a new toaster.

Then you'll do it?

Is it legal?

Well, let me put it this
way... It's not illegal.

Good. All right, I'll do it.

Oh, good girl.

But listen, we better
keep it a secret.

Sometimes Mr. Mooney
doesn't see things the way I do.

Okay.

All right, thanks a lot,
dear. I got to run. Bye.

Yeah, bye.

Hello.

Thelma, this is Audrey.

Listen, I'll be a little late
picking you up for the meeting.

I have to stop by the bank.

What's the matter, did
one of your checks bounce?

No, one of my
checks didn't bounce.

I have to draw
out all my savings.

Why on earth are
you going to do that?

Well, it's because of Lucy.

Things aren't going
well at the bank,

and she wants me to...

Oh, dear. I wasn't
supposed to tell that.

Tell what?

It's a secret.

That's never stopped you before.

I'm sorry, Thelma, I can't
say any more about it.

I'll see you about 10:30. Bye.

Bye.

Hello.

- Hello, Kathleen?
- Uh-huh.

Kathleen, this is Thelma.

We're going to be a little
late getting to your house.

Audrey has to go by the bank.

Oh, why can't she
do it this afternoon?

Well, I don't know.

She just said she was going
to draw out all her savings

and apparently she
wanted to do it right away.

What on earth does
she want to do that for?

She's been banking
there for 15 years.

Oh, it was something
Lucy wanted her to do.

She said Lucy told her things
weren't going well at the bank.

Wait a minute.

Lucy works at the bank,

and she told Audrey to draw
all her savings out in a hurry?

Do you know what that means?

What?

The bank is going to fail.

Oh, no!

Now listen, we've got to
hang up and tell our friends.

Only close friends.

Yes.

Hello.

Viv, Charlie has the car.

Can you give me
a ride to the bank?

Well, sure.

What's your big hurry?

Oh, I see. You've got yours

so why worry about
anybody else, is that it?

What are you talking about?

You mean you don't know
about the Danfield Bank?

What about the Danfield Bank?

It's going under.

It can't! It can't!

All of my life savings
are in that bank!

It just can't go under!

You mean, Lucy didn't tell you?

No, she... Oh, I should have...

I'll pick you up in a
couple of minutes.

Fine.

Oh, I never should
have listened to that girl!

Why did I listen?

Oh... Oh, dear!

Oh...

For heaven's sake.

Oh, why did I listen?

Why did I listen?

Thelma, what are you doing here?

The same thing
you're doing here.

Thanks a lot, Lucille.

What are you talking about?

Oh, you know very well
what I'm talking about.

It's 1933 all over again.

I'm with her.

Viv, what's the matter with you?

Yes, what's all
this 1933 business?

As if you didn't know.

I'm really surprised
at you, Lucy.

Not even telling
your best friend.

Tell you what?

That the bank is failing.

The bank is failing?!

Oh, that's preposterous.

Of course the
bank isn't failing.

Why would you say such a thing?

Kathleen told me.

Thelma told me.

Well, Audrey told me

she was taking all
of her savings out.

Well, Lucy told me to.

And who told you,
Chicken Little?

Well, I only asked her
to take her savings out

and put them back in, so I could
get a new account for the bank

and I could keep my job

and make enough money
to buy Jerry his tuba.

Remember, oompah-pah,
oompah-pah, oompah-pah?

Oh, no!

No, I...

I can't understand where all
these people are coming from.

You girls didn't tell
anybody else, did you?

Oh, no, Lucy. You know us.

It's all over town.

Oh... Oh, this is
getting serious.

Oh, here, wait, wait,
wait, take it easy.

Don't... don't get excited.

Take it easy. Take...

You know what this is?

It's a run on the bank.

What am I going to...?

I'd better get my money out.

What am I doing?

I will call...

- Oh, Mr. Mooney.
- What?

Mr. Mooney, I'm terribly sorry.

It's all my fault.

I bet you'd like to kill me.

It's a date, right
after the bank fails.

Look, Mr. Mooney, we've
got to think of something.

Some way to stop this.

What I wouldn't give
to have a holdup man

come in here.

Why?

Well, at least he'd scare
everybody out of the place.

But where can you find a good
bank bandit when you need one?

Viv, Viv.

Wait a minute. You made
me lose my place in line.

This is my place.

I need help.

Well, if you make
me lose my savings,

you're really going
to need my help.

This is more important
than your savings.

We may be able to
save the whole bank.

And how are you
going to do that?

Come on. I'll
explain on the way.

Okay, everybody,
this is a stickup!

Okay, everybody,
reach for the sky!

All right, this is a stickup!

Okay, lady, this is a stickup.

Look, buddy, if you want money,

you wait in line
like everybody else.

Hands up!

Hands up. Everybody get their
hands up. Hands up right now.

- Stick 'em up, stick 'em up.
- Now, now. Reach for the sky.

- Reach for the sky. That's it.
- Get 'em up there.

You, too, copper.

- Get his gat, Sam.
- His what? His what?

His gat, his gat,
his gat. His gun.

Oh, his gun. Okay.

Get 'em up there. Come on.

- Join the group.
- Over there with the rest of them.

Join the group, copper.

Over there. Join the group.

Everybody hit the floor.

Hit the floor.

And lie down.

Sam, everybody
outside, remember?

Oh, everybody outside.

Up off of that floor...

Come on, outside, everybody.

Come on, don't waste any time!

Get out of here!

- There you go. Okay.
- All right, outside.

Right around there, girl.

- All right, outside.
- Outside.

Outside, everybody.

What are you doing with that?

Taking out my savings.

But why?

The bank is safe now.

Listen, I'm not leaving
my money in any bank

that's this easy to rob.

Give me that.

For heaven's sake.

What's the matter with you?

Some kind of...

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

Why did you do that?

- Oh, you're-you're...
- Why did you do that?

Is that who I think it is?

Well, Mr. Mooney, we did it.

We got everybody out of here.

We stopped the run on the bank.

Well, that's only
fair... You started it.

Oh, well, anyway
everything came out even.

- Come on, let's go change our clothes.
- Yeah.

I'll see you tomorrow,
Mr. Mooney.

- No, you won't.
- How's that?

You're fired!

Oh, Mr. Mooney,
I can't be fired.

I need the money.

I need the money for
Jerry's tuba, remember?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh... oh, please!

Please!

Here, here.

I need ten dollars more.

That's all you're going to get.

Give her the money.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, you don't know how
happy you've made me.

And I'll never forget this,
and Jerry will never forget it,

and he's going to be
able to march in the band

and he's going to be going,
"Oompah-pah, oompah-pah,

oompah-pah..."

Please stop pointing
that thing at me.

Oh, it isn't even loaded. See?

Lucy, you're a marvelous shot.

Do you know that when you
shot the gun, it hit the button

and you went down in the hole.

How about that,
Lucy, isn't that funny?

Aw, shut up!

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