The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 23 - Lucy Is Her Own Lawyer - full transcript

To stop Mr. Mooney's dog Nelson from barking, Lucy takes him to court. Just as the court proceedings couldn't get any worse, Lucy decides to cross examine Nelson, the dog.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Oh...

Oh, that dog.

Honestly.

Do you know what time it is?!



2:00 is right.

So why don't you go to sleep?

Boy, another sleepless night.

Oh, Lucy, this is terrible.

This makes three
nights in a row.

Oh, "ruff" yourself.

The worst thing is

he starts every other dog in
the neighborhood to barking.

That's right.

None of the other dogs
ever barked at night

until this new one moved in.

He's the troublemaker.

Here we go again.

There's Howard
McAdams' Pomeranian.



And next will be
Audrey Simmons' beagle.

And now comes
Grandma Sutton's Airedale.

There we are.

And now for the grand finale,

the Hamilton's police dog.

Well, thank goodness.

I was afraid he wasn't
going to make it tonight.

Oh, Lucy, this is terrible.

Well, I've had it.

I have had it!

We've got to do
something about it.

What's his number?

Well, I don't think
that dog is listed.

I don't mean the
dog, I mean his owner.

Oh, now you wouldn't
wake that poor soul up

in the middle of the
night to complain?

I would love to.

What's his name?

I don't know.

Come on, get your flashlight.

What for?

We are going to find
that dog and his owner.

Oh, now why couldn't
we find that beast

the first thing
tomorrow morning?

Because we can't find
him in the daytime...

That's when he rests his voice.

No, just forget it, Lucy.

I'm not going to
go prowling around

in anybody's backyard
in the middle of the night.

Aw, Viv, please,
that's the only...

Where did I put that flashlight?

- Now be careful.
- Oh.

Oh, come on,
Lucy, let's go home.

This is just ridiculous.

Oh, come on. As long
as we've gone this far,

we might as well look
in a couple more yards.

Listen.

It sounds like it came
from right in that next yard.

Yeah.

Well, now that we've
found him, what do we do?

Well, one of us looks
at the tag on his collar

to see who he belongs to

while I hold the flashlight.

Oh, no, you don't.

Nothing doing.

Oh, come on now, Viv,
how can you be afraid of him?

He has such nice eyes.

How can you tell?

Well, all right, I'll do it.

Yeah.

Uh, well, there now, hi, fella.

Hello. Hello.

All we want to do is
just look at your tag

and find out who your
nice owner is, little fella.

He's a... he's a
nice fella, yeah.

He's a... he's a...

nice fella.

Eh, yeah, nice boy.

Nice fella.

Can't you find his collar?

I can't even find his neck.

I know it's in here somewhere.

Oh, Viv, stop him!

Stop him?

We can't let him get away now.

- Come on, hurry up.
- Oh, Lucy.

Come on, Viv...

Oh, how could we lose
a dog as big as that?

Why didn't you
follow him better, Viv?

Well, I'm sorry, Simon Legree.

I lost the scent when
he crossed the river.

Oh.

Oh, dear heavens.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Well, my heavens.

- Well...
- Well...

No wonder we couldn't find him.

While we were following
him, he was following us.

What's going on?

Hi, Nelson.

You know him?

Sure. We're old pals.

He's Mr. Mooney's new dog.

Well, I'll just call
Mr. Mooney and complain.

All right, Jerry,
school tomorrow.

Back to bed.

- Come on now.
- Get him out of here.

Now we know where you live.

Now you've got to go home.

Come on, Nelson, home you go.

Here you go, boy.

Well, I'm gonna call Mr. Mooney.

We've got to get this thing
settled once and for all.

Now, Lucy, I think you
better think this over.

If you call Mr. Mooney,

he's liable to cut
off your allowance.

He may not even know

that his dog is keeping
everyone awake.

Actually, I'll be doing
him a favor by telling him.

Now let me call.

Go sit down.

Hello.

Mr. Mooney, this
is Lucy Carmichael.

I hope I didn't disturb you.

Oh, no.

Well, you see, a barking dog
has been keeping us awake.

Well, thank you for
that news bulletin.

Good night.

Wait, Mr. Mooney.

It's your dog, Nelson.

He's kept us awake
three nights in a row.

He's been creating
quite a disturbance.

Nelson? A disturbance?

That's impossible.

Nelson is a thoroughbred.

Oh, I know that, Mr. Mooney,

but he does have
a very loud bark.

And it sets off all the other
dogs in the neighborhood.

And with all that racket,
we just can't get to sleep.

I thought you'd want to
do something about it.

Oh, I do, I do.

You just put your
phone by your pillow

and I'll sing you a lullaby.

Mr. Mooney, if that's all
you plan to do about this,

I may have to take action.

I may force you to
keep that dog quiet.

Oh, and just how do
you intend to do that?

Well, I can always...

I will simply...

Well, I-I'll do something.

If I might make a suggestion...
Why don't you sue me?

That's a very good idea.

I will sue you.

You don't stand a
chance. Good night.

You're going to sue him?

That's right.

Oh, Lucy, you haven't got
money enough to hire a lawyer.

I will be my own lawyer.

Oh, you poor little thing.

You're half crazed
from lack of sleep.

Not at all.

But you don't know
anything about law.

I don't have to.

I'm right, he's wrong.

This is a lead-pipe cinch.

Besides, I've picked
up a lot of legal tricks

from Perry Mason.

All rise.

Be seated.

Carmichael v. Mooney.

Are both parties ready?

Yes, sir.

Yes, Your Honor.

Are you Mrs. Carmichael
or are you her attorney?

Yes.

Yes what?

Yes, sir?

You misunderstood.

I asked you whether
you were Mrs. Carmichael

or Mrs. Carmichael's attorney.

Oh, uh, well, Your
Honor, I'm both.

I'm Mrs. Lucille Carmichael

and I am acting
as my own attorney.

Very well.

Mrs. Carmichael is bringing
an action for injunction

to abate a nuisance.

Will the attorney
for the plaintiff

please call the first witness.

Mrs. Carmichael,
you are the plaintiff.

Oh.

Uh, Your Honor,

before I call my first witness,

I should like to say that
this is no ordinary squabble

between two neighbors.

Today we are going
to ask a question.

Does one man have the right
to destroy the peace of mind

of an entire neighborhood?

And I say to you, ladies
and gentlemen of the jury,

the answer is no, no,
a thousand times no.

Mrs. Carmichael,
there is no jury.

No jury?

Those are spectators.

We usually have a
jury in criminal cases.

Well-well, if keeping a person
up half the night isn't a crime,

I'd like to know what is.

Mrs. Carmichael, please
call your first witness.

Yes, Your Honor.

I call Mrs. Vivian Bagley.

Mrs. Vivian Bagley.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth and
nothing but the truth?

I do.

Be seated.

Give the court your
name and address, please.

Um, Mrs. Vivian
Bagley. 132 Post Road.

Uh, now, Mrs. Bagley,

will you tell the court,
in your own words,

the mental and physical
anguish that you have experienced

because this
inconsiderate wretch

has let his undisciplined
beast yowl the entire night?

Well, I haven't been
able to sleep at night.

And the other
morning I overslept,

and I missed the biggest
sale that was ever on

at Dede's dress shop.

I didn't know Dede had a sale.

Oh, yes. She had
alligator bags at half price.

You're kidding? You
didn't let me know.

Yeah, but they
were all picked over.

I know, they were
all picked over

when I got there.

- I have had a pair of alligator shoes...
- I know that.

- For six months that have needed a bag.
- I thought of...

Why don't you...?

I said they were...

Mrs. Carmichael, this
seems most irrelevant.

- Yes, sir.
- Shall we get on with the testimony?

Yes, Your Honor.

Uh, Mrs. Bagley...

Yes.

Would you care to tell us

what happened
last Thursday night?

Yes, well, last Thursday night,

uh, uh, this dog was barking,

and you and I...

Mrs. Bagley, will you
be specific please?

Tell the court who "you" is.

I is Vivian Bagley.

I meant tell the court
who went with you.

You did.

Oh, oh! Oh, Lucille
Carmichael went with me.

Yes.

Continue please.

Well, uh, last Thursday night,
uh, we heard this dog barking,

and Lucille Carmichael and I

went out to see
if we could find it.

And all of a sudden,
we went down an alley

and we heard this
dog barking nearby.

And we went around a corner,

and there sat
Mr. Mooney's dog, Nelson,

just as guilty as sin.

Your witness, Mr. Weitzman!

- Mrs. Bagley.
- Uh-huh?

Now, you said that
you heard a dog bark,

then you went around the corner,

and you saw Nelson.
Is that correct?

That is right, uh-huh.

Then you didn't
actually see Nelson bark.

No, we didn't actually see
him, but then, of course...

So, actually, you don't
know if it was Nelson barking.

It could have been
another dog entirely.

- Yeah, it could have been...
- No more questions.

The witness may step down.

You were a big help.

Well, he's tricky.

Call your next witness.

I call Mrs. Lucille
Carmichael to the stand.

Mrs. Lucille Carmichael.

Raise your right hand. Do
you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth and
nothing but the truth?

- I do.
- State your name and address please.

Mrs. Lucille Carmichael,
132 Post Road.

Now then, Mrs. Carmichael,

have you ever sued any
of your neighbors before?

No.

No, I never have.

Would you say that
normally you sleep very well?

Oh, yes.

Just like a log.

Very well then. Will you tell
the court, in your own words,

what took place
last Thursday night.

I would be very
happy to tell the court.

Mrs. Carmichael, is it
absolutely necessary

to have this incessant
jumping back and forth?

You're making the bench nervous.

Well, uh, Your Honor,
if you don't mind,

please, it makes it
a lot easier for me

to go back and forth like
that, because then I can tell

if I'm witnessing
or plantiffing.

Continue.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Uh, what was that
last question again?

Uh, tell the court,
in your own words,

what took place
last Thursday night.

Well, I was awakened
around 2:00 in the morning

by the barking of all the dogs

who live in the
neighborhood near our house.

Led off, as usual,
by the ringleader.

So, my friend, Mrs.
Bagley, and I went out to see

if we couldn't find this beast,
and we finally tracked him down.

I see.

And is the owner of that
dog in the courtroom?

Yes, he is.

Will you point him out?

That man there!

Are you sure?

I'm positive!

Thank you. Your witness.

Mrs. Carmichael,
you have testified

that you made a long search
of the entire neighborhood.

- That's right.
- Can you prove this?

Mrs. Bagley was
with me every minute.

Then, if you and Mrs. Bagley
were together every minute,

she was also with you
when she heard the dog bark.

That is correct.

Then actually, you didn't see
who was doing the barking.

- No, I certainly did not.
- No more questions.

Wait a minute!

You may step down.

Now, before we call the defense,

do you have any more
witnesses, Mrs. Carmichael?

Well, not at this
time, Your Honor.

Uh, Your Honor?

I'd like to request a recess.

On what grounds?

Uh, uh, I'd like to present
some new evidence.

Very well.

This court will
recess for one hour.

Do you really have
some new evidence?

- No.
- Then why did you ask for a recess?

Well, that's what Perry
Mason always does

when he gets in a jam.

Be seated.

Mrs. Carmichael, do you
have any more witnesses?

Uh, yes, Your Honor, I
do, but they're not here yet.

Um, Your Honor?

Is it too soon for
another recess?

Yes.

Does the defense
wish to call a witness?

Just one, Your Honor:
Mr. Theodore Mooney.

Theodore Mooney, take the stand.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth

- and nothing but the truth?
- Always.

Name and address, please.

Theodore J. Mooney,
429 Elm Street.

Mr. Mooney, do you own a
sheepdog named Nelson?

I do.

- Have you ever heard him bark at night?
- Never.

Oh, honestly!

No more questions.

Your witness.

Now, Mr. Mooney,

you say your name is
Theodore J. Mooney?

Yes.

And you live at 429 Elm Street?

Yes.

And you have a dog named Nelson?

Mrs. Carmichael, you already
know my name and address,

and the fact that I have
a dog named Nelson.

That is why we are
here in this court!

Your Honor, I believe we have a
very uncooperative witness here.

You bet your
sweet life you have!

See?!

You will kindly
answer the questions

to the best of your ability.

Where were you Thursday night?

I was at home asleep.

The whole time?

You expect this court to believe

that you slept while your
dog was keeping the entire

neighborhood awake
with his "ruff, ruff"?

Mrs. Carmichael, my
dog does not go "ruff, ruff."

He may occasionally go.

He goes "ruff, ruff"!

He goes.

Ruff, ruff!

Ruff, ruff!

Shall we continue?

It is absolutely irrelevant
whether the dog says

"woof, woof" or.

Well...

Now, then.

Your Honor, I move for
an immediate dismissal.

Mrs. Carmichael has
failed to prove her charges

that Mr. Mooney's dog,
Nelson, had anything to do

with the nuisance she claims
took place in the neighborhood.

No more questions!

You may step down.

Your Honor, I have a
last-minute surprise witness.

Mrs. Carmichael, you have had

sufficient time to
introduce your witnesses.

This court has been very
patient with your case.

But, Your Honor...

Your Honor, you wouldn't want

to stand in the way
of justice, would you?

Well, I didn't actually
have that in mind.

No.

Call your witness.

I call Nelson
Mooney to the stand.

Nelson Mooney, take the stand.

Nelson, you watch what you say!

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth and
nothing but the truth?

Joe, that was not necessary.

Now, Your Honor, I
will attempt to prove

that when Nelson barks,

it starts a whole chain
reaction of other dogs barking.

Well, that's a very interesting
theory, Mrs. Carmichael,

but won't it be a
little difficult to prove

without the other dogs?

I have the other dogs.

They are stationed
throughout the courthouse.

Howard McAdams' Pomeranian
is in the mayor's waiting room.

Audrey Simmons' beagle is in
the park commissioner's office.

Grandma Sutton's
Airedale is in the lobby,

and the Hamilton
police dog is where, Viv?

In the sheriff's office.

I had to put the police
dog in the sheriff's office.

It was...

Your Honor, I will
now demonstrate

what happens when Nelson barks.

I think this has
gone far enough!

Now, just a moment,
if you don't mind.

Oh, Your Honor,

uh, Nelson only barks
when everybody is asleep.

So, would you all
please close your eyes?

Everyone will please
close their eyes.

Thank you.

No, we will not close our eyes.

Oh, well, it was just a thought.

You can open your eyes.

Uh, okay, Nelson boy.

You know what to do now, Nelson.

Remember, you're under oath.

All right, now, Nelson, speak.

Speak! Speak!

Mrs. Carmichael.

Does this go on every night?

All night, every
night, Your Honor.

This court finds
for the plaintiff.

Mooney, you're guilty as sin.

Court adjourned.

Ah...

I want to congratulate you...

- You are just an angel.
- Oh...

♪♪

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