The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 1, Episode 26 - Lucy and Viv Take Up Chemistry - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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What have you got there?

This is the new night school
catalog from Danfield High.

There are some wonderful
courses for us here, Viv.

Oh, I didn't know you
were interested in going...



For us?!

Yes. I've decided
we're in an awful rut,

so I got this catalog.

What do you mean,
we're in an awful rut?

Well, now let's face it, Viv.

Our idea of an
intellectual conversation

is to sit around and discuss

whether Marshal Dillon
will ever marry Kitty.

Now, what's wrong with that?

Oh, for heaven's sake, Viv.

You were born with a brain.

It was meant to be used.

Not necessarily.

I was born with an appendix,
and I had that taken out.



Look, I'm serious.

We should keep our minds alert.

There's no need to stop thinking

just 'cause we've been out
of school a couple of years.

A couple of years?!

Your mind may be alert,

but your memory's
gone beddy-bye.

Well, I find this
pretty exciting.

I just can't decide
which course to take.

Let's see, there's
conversational French,

and there's the United
States Foreign Policy

in the Middle East.

Oh, they both sound fascinating.

You're all wet!

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, you've lost your marbles.

Oh, they're arguing
over marbles again.

Now, fellas, I thought we agreed

that you weren't going
to play marbles for keeps.

We weren't arguing
about marbles.

Then what were
you arguing about?

The amount of liquid fuel

required to get a
space capsule into orbit.

I say, liquid fuel used
in space capsules

is measured in tons.

And I say if it's liquid fuel,

it's got to be
measured in gallons.

Oh.

I see.

Well, Mom, am I right?

Well, now, Sherman,
you might be right.

If those space things use
as much gas as my car does,

it could be measured in tons.

It's gallons, isn't it, Mom?

Well, uh, let's see now.

Uh... if, uh, if we
could figure out

how many gallons
there are in a ton, uh...

Let's see now.

There are four
quarts to a gallon,

and, uh...

Let's see now. A ton has, uh...

Well, uh, we all know

that a pint's a pound
the world around.

Holy cow!

I told you our
mothers wouldn't know.

Well, it was worth a try.

Where's that catalog?

Yeah, well,

I wonder if they've got anything

called Cape
Canaveral at a Glance?

Welcome to Introduction
to Chemistry and Physics.

I am Professor Adrian Vance.

Now, the first few
weeks of our class

will be devoted to chemistry.

Now you will notice
about the class,

many pieces of equipment,

which, undoubtedly,
you're not familiar with.

However as we go, uh...

Hmm...

Over here? That's fine.

Well, I see we have
two new arrivals.

Oh, yes. Yes.

I'm Vivian Bagley.

And I'm Lucy Carmichael.

I'm so glad you were
able to make our little class.

Well, thank you. I'm
sorry we were late,

but I forgot that my
daughter, Chris, uh,

had a drum majorette rehearsal,

and then I had to get
a sitter for the two boys,

and I want to tell you,
trying to talk those two kids

- into having a sitter...
- Mrs. Carmichael.

Mrs. Carmichael, please.

There's a class in session.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did we miss very much?

No, just my opening remarks. Oh.

But with the class's indulgence,

we'll start all over
again. Oh, thank you.

That's very kind
of you. Uh, yes...

Welcome to Introduction

to Chemistry and Physics.

I am Professor Adrian Vance.

Now, the first few
weeks of this class

will be devoted to chemistry.

Now, the, uh, person
sitting next to you

will be your lab partner.

Now, about this equipment

which you see about you.

Naturally, it is all
unfamiliar to you now,

but as time goes...

Oh...

Mrs. Carmichael? Yes?

Is there some problem?

Oh, uh, I was just
asking this gentleman

to change places with me

so Viv and I could be partners.

See, we live in the same house

then we can do our
homework together.

Would you?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

That's very nice. Nice of you.

Uh... Thank you. Thank you.

Now, may I go on?

Oh, yes, go right
ahead. Yes, thank you.

Thank you very
much. Let me see, uh...

You don't mind, do you?

Uh, I-I hope you
will bring to this class

a great deal of curiosity.

Curiosity has led to many
discoveries in the past

and will lead to many
discoveries in the future.

Now, there are many things

still to be conquered
by science.

Can you name any of them?

Uh... Hmm? Oh, yes?

How about a cure

for the common cold? Good!

Boy, she sure needs
one, doesn't she?

I don't think it'll happen

in time to save her, though.

Mr. Vance. Yes?

No one knows for sure

if there's life on
the other planets.

- That's right. Uh, yes?
- Yeah. Uh-huh.

No one has discovered
the secret of eternal youth.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Lucy.

Well, they haven't.

Oh, that's pretty silly.

Now, now, calm down,
class, let's not scoff.

Uh, after all, a scientist
must keep an open mind,

for everything is
possible in science.

You see? Yeah.

Now, this class may not
make scientists of all of you,

but it will make you aware
of the world around you.

Now, class, in the
next few weeks,

each one of you will have
his own special project.

And now, class... oh, will
you step down here, please?

And gather around me.

I'd like to explain

some of this equipment to you.

Now, this is a Bunsen burner.

Oh, that's what
that thingamajig is.

See, Viv, that's
a Bunsen burner.

I heard him.

The-the handle,

which controls the
gas, is very sensitive,

so regulate it with care.

All right, now, everybody,
back to your work tables.

Back to your work tables.

Uh, you two young
ladies will work right here.

Oh!

We've got our own
work table. Yeah.

And now I'll explain what
you're supposed to do.

Ready?

Everyone light
his Bunsen burner.

Oh, you strike the match, Viv.

Okay.

Oh, all right.

Careful!

My, that is sensitive.

I'm sorry.

You weren't listening.

Well, I was listening.

I think you used
too big a match, Viv.

Why'd you do that?

I did not.

All right, class, let's
have your attention.

Now, you will notice
many acids around here.

Now, we will be handling a
great many of these acids.

Now, if you'll step
this way, please.

I am required

by the, uh, Board of Education,

uh, to point this
shower out to you.

Uh, should you by any chance
get any of these acids on you,

simply step into this shower

and pull this cord.

And, I might
add, in all the time

I've been teaching
in this school,

we've never had
an occasion to use it.

I wonder if it still works.

Oh, yes, it works...

Yeah, it works. Yeah...

Hi.

Viv!

Us scientists have
to learn to be on time.

Oh. I'm sorry I'm late.

What's all this?

We started our
special projects tonight.

Oh.

Well, do you want to guess
what project I'm working on?

Splitting the atom?

No, somebody already did that.

I don't want to be a copycat.

Oh.

I am going to see if I can
find the secret of eternal youth.

Now what do you think of that?

Well, now, I think you've
cracked your beaker!

Oh, come on.

Professor Vance himself
said nothing was impossible.

Okay, you've got your project.

Now what am I gonna do?

Well, if you can't
think of anything,

why don't you help me

try to find the secret
of eternal youth?

Why not?

What have I got to lose?

Maybe ten years!

Well now, let's get to work.

We don't want to waste
any time. Write this down.

Uh-huh. Get your pad and pencil.

You should keep that
with you all the time, Viv.

All right. It's what a
good assistant would do.

All right, now write it down.

C-9-H-8-0-4.

C-9-H-8-0-4.

Yeah.

I wonder if I should
use one CC or two CCs.

Well, now, it all depends

on how many people
you're planning to serve.

Will you be serious?

Write down one CC.

One CC.

I wonder if Madame
Curie had this much trouble

with her assistant.

Well, what special
project do we have here?

I am trying to
discover the secret

of eternal youth.
Oh, that's very nice,

very nice, I'm glad you're...

The secret of what?!

The secret of eternal youth.

Remember? We
talked about it in class,

and you said it was possible.

I did?

Well, you said
anything was possible.

Oh, yeah, well, yes.

Yes... so it is.

Of course, you know what
formula we're using here.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Uh, yes, I-I
understand this formula.

I just... I've never
seen it mixed this way.

Well, of course, I haven't
had any results yet,

but I just started.

Yeah. Drop around later

and we'll give
you a cup of youth.

I think I know what I need here.

One of these acid salts.

Get me some sodium
bisulfate solution

over there. Okay.

Hey, this is an awful lot

of sodium bi-whatchamacallit.

It's gonna be kind
of hard to pour, Lucy.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Never bring it in
an open beaker.

What a dumb thing to do.

That container
has too big a mouth.

That makes two of you.

Oh, boy, the kind
of lab help you get

these days! Here,

put five CCs in
that and hurry up.

Oh.

Oh, Lucy.

I'm spilling an awful lot of it.

I spilled it all...

Just what are you trying to do?!

I was saving you.

You spilled acid
all over yourself.

Oh, what's going on here?

She spilled acid
all over herself.

What acid was it?

One of the deadly acid
salts... sodium-bisulfate.

An acid salt, Miss...
Mrs. Carmichael,

is not an acid.

It's a salt.

Oh.

It's only water, you know, H2O.

You stand right here,
honey, and dry yourself off

in front of our Bunsen burner.

Well, Viv, I think we're
finally getting someplace.

I think so, too.

You may not have found
the fountain of youth,

but you have invented
a glass jungle gym.

All right, just take
your notes. Uh-huh.

Listen, I'm gonna need
some more glass tubing.

Go get it, please.

There is no more glass tubing.

You've used it all,

unless you'd like for me
empty the thermometer.

Viv, I need glass tubing.

I don't care where you get it.

I don't care how
you get it, but get it!

Yes, madame.

Mr. Vance, could I
see you for a minute?

Yes.

Would you please
do me a big favor?

Yes, of course. Would you
get our mad scientist friend

to drop this
ridiculous experiment?

Well, I admit

that Mrs. Carmichael
is a little unorthodox,

but I feel a
laboratory is a place

where you find
things out for yourself.

Well, I found
something out for myself.

Since she's become a mad genius,

she's absolutely
impossible to live with.

Oh, uh, Professor Vance,

would you do me a favor
and look at my experiment?

It seems to be doing
an awful lot of bubbling.

Bubbling? Yeah, but don't worry,

nothing will spill.

I put corks in all the tubes.

Corks in the tubes?!

Yeah. Cork...

Corks in the tubes!

Corks in the
tubes! Oh, honestly,

I guess there's a
shortage of corks, too.

You know, it's really appalling

the way we scientists
have to put up

with lack of supplies.

Honestly. Whoa!

Lucy, what happened?!

Oh! Oh, Mr. Vance! Oh!

Mr. Vance, are you all right?!

Oh, what happened?

Mr. Vance?

Huh?

What hap...

Are you all right?

I am all right.

Now, remember...

Remember, keep an open mind.

Open mind?

An open mind. Open mind?

Yes. Open mind.

I think I'd better go
look at my experiment

and see if I can salvage
anything from the wreck.

I may have to
start all over again.

Start all over again?!

That's right.

You know, p-p-perhaps
I should discourage her

while Danfield High
is still in one piece.

You'd better discourage her

before she blows
up the whole town.

Hey, I got an idea.

Is that stuff she's brewing
in there fit to drink?

Why, yes.

According to her notes,

it's nothing but
a mild sedative.

A mild sedative...
That's perfect.

She thinks

that she's gonna be able
to change people with it,

but we're going to change her.

Change her? Uh-huh.

We'll get her to drink
some of that formula,

and while she's asleep,

you get me a little makeup

from the drama department...

Professor Vance,

I was able to salvage

this much from the wreckage.

This is a great day for mankind.

Mrs. Carmichael,

the time has come to
test your youth formula.

Oh, really?

How wonderful!

Where will we get a monkey?

Well, I was thinking
of a human being.

Oh, well, shouldn't we
test it on a monkey first?

If there's one thing
the world doesn't need,

it's younger monkeys.

You-you're so
right, Mrs. Bagley.

Well, I wonder who
we can get to volunteer?

Maybe you could get
one of your students

to do it, Mr. Vance, huh?

That's a good idea. Which
one? How about you?

Me?

Yes! What better person to, uh,

to check out this
marvelous formula

than its creator?

Well, I don't know, uh...

What was wrong with
younger monkeys?

Mrs. Carmichael,

a scientist must
have faith in his work.

Oh, I have faith.

All right then,
Lucy. Bottoms up!

You want me to
drink it now? Uh-huh.

Uh, well, uh...

Is there any reason
why you shouldn't?

Well, for one thing,
I'm not very thirsty.

You see?

She doesn't have any
faith in her own experiment.

Oh, is that so?!

Uh-huh.

Now, I think you'd
better go to my office

and lie down, relax.

Why?

I feel fine.

Oh, but, uh,

complete relaxation
is absolutely essential

in an experiment of this nature.

Oh? Yes, later we'll come in

and check the results. Yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

All right.

Are you all right?

Do you know this was very tasty?

Our sleeping beauty is finished.

Shall we wake her up?

Why not?

Thanks for the makeup kit.

Lucy?

Oh, Lucy?

Huh? What?

It's time to wake up and
see if your formula worked.

It's time for... oh!

Oh, my formula!

Oh.

How do I look?

Lucy, it's absolutely
indescribable.

It's incredible.

Really?

Is it really?

You know, my
face feels so funny...

Bu-bu-bu-bu-bu...
now don't touch.

Isn't that right,
Mr. Vance? Oh, absolutely.

Why not?

Well, you've got to let your
body become accustomed

to the new molecular structure.

Oh.

You know, the texture of
my hair seems to be changed.

It's the wonders of chemistry!

Yeah.

Ooh, and it's brown!

Oh, now that proves I'm younger.

I haven't had brown
hair since I was 16.

That's just how
you look... sweet 16.

Really?

Oh...

Oh, I can't wait to see myself.

Where's a mirror?

Well, the nearest one
is in the girls' lounge

right down the hall.

Oh, thank you.

Hi, Georgie!

I know what you're thinking.

You didn't know Chris
Carmichael had a sister.

Well, she hasn't.

I'm her mother.

Oh, uh, her mother.

That's nice.

Della Fox!

It's me, Lucy.

Lucy who?

Lucy Carmichael.

What happened to you?

It's a little potion
I whipped up.

As soon as I put
it on the market,

you'll be able to
look like this, too.

How about that?

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall.

Who's the fairest of them all?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hold it...

I wonder what's
taking her so long.

Well, she should be around
here somewhere. Lucy?

Lucy? LUCY: Viv?

Huh?

Viv? Huh?

Viv?

Huh?

Lucy?

Are you alone? Yes,

there's just the two of us.

This is awful!

Why didn't you tell
me what I looked like?

I didn't want to
hurt your feelings.

We wanted to spare you.

Something must have
gone wrong with my formula!

Uh, there, there,

even scientists make mistakes.

After all, you're only human.

I'm not too sure!

Oh, now Lucy,

it's not just a total flop.

Now, you did prove that
people's looks can be changed,

and you did invent
a new formula.

Yeah, and I know
what to call it...

"Instant Ugly"!

There, there,

with your knowledge
of chemistry...

I'm through with chemistry!

I'm through with everything!

I'll never step outside
my house again!

Not even on Halloween?

My nose... my nose feels loose!

I'm disintegrating!

It's a putty nose!

And your hair is a wig!

I did it all while
you were asleep.

You scared me to death!

Why did you do
a thing like that?

You had it coming to you.

You were getting absolutely
impossible to live with.

Well, I guess I did get
a little carried away.

But I did admire
your enthusiasm.

Yeah, but my
formula was a big flop.

Well, perhaps chemistry
isn't your best subject.

In a few weeks, we'll
be switching to physics.

Physics!

Physics!

Now, that's right up my alley.

Especially in nuclear physics.

Oh, Lucy!

I've always wanted to
be a nuclear physicist.

Just give me a slide rule,

a handful of uranium,
and point me to the moon!

Oh, Lucy.

That's all I want!

That's what I've always wanted.

Well, Mrs. Bagley,
you're working late tonight.

Oh, Professor Vance, I'm
pleased to tell you I've invented

a liquid that will be a
boon to every housewife.

And its properties?

It cleans dishes and glassware,

and it cuts grease
from pots and pans.

If your liquid contains these
wonderful cleaning properties,

what happens to the
hands of the user?

Good question.

This liquid is so mild that,
when you finish the dishes,

your hands are
as soft as a baby's.

Marvelous.

And did you make all
these suds with your liquid?

I did. And to coin a phrase,

my liquid keeps sudsing
and sudsing and sudsing.

Miraculous.

You've invented a great product!

Oh, I was just
teasing you, Professor.

I didn't invent it,
Lever Brothers did.

Oh.

And it's called new
pink liquid Swan.

This does everything
you've said?

Everything!

♪ Swan keeps ♪

♪ Sudsing and sudsing
and sudsing and sudsing ♪

♪ The grease cutting-est ♪

♪ Grease cutting-est suds. ♪

The Lucy Show was
brought to you by Swan.

New pink liquid Swan for dishes,

with long-lasting suds
that keep cutting grease

till the whole job's done.

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