The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 1, Episode 24 - Lucy Drives a Dump Truck - full transcript
The fire department members are livid when Lucy fails to get the town council to pay for their new uniforms as she'd guaranteed. Her scheme to raise the funds through a newspaper drive leads to her court marshal by the ladies, a rented dump truck to haul 34 tons of paper to a nearby town, and numerous traffic citations.
Starring Lucille Ball.
Costarring Vivian Vance.
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Lucy, I'm sure glad
you talked us into
getting these Volunteer
Fire Department uniforms.
Oh, I'll bet we're
the best-dressed
volunteer fire department
in the whole county.
Yeah...
We were a smash in
the Founders Day Parade!
You know, we got almost as many
whistles as the drum majorettes?
That's right.
The only trouble is,
marching in formation,
you can't turn around to
see who's doing the whistling.
No...
There you are. All ready
for the meeting, Captain.
Thanks, Lieutenant.
Ow!
Ow!
Lucy, you're acting awful funny.
Is anything wrong?
Wrong? What should be wrong?
There's nothing wrong.
Well, you're acting so nervous.
Oh, don't tell me
you've got stage fright
because you have to read
your financial report to the girls.
Uh, yeah, I guess so.
Well, all you have
to do is to tell them
what Councilman Bradley said
when he gave you the
$325 for our uniforms,
give the check to the treasurer,
the girls all get
reimbursed $25 apiece.
That's all there is to it.
Yeah, that's all
there is to it, really.
Viv, you'd better go
make the coffee, dear.
Oh, yes, I'd better
make the coffee.
Hello? Councilman Bradley?
This is Captain Carmichael
of the Danfield Volunteer
Fire Department.
Yes, sir. Well, we're having
our meeting in a few minutes
and I'm going to make my report,
so I was just wondering
if, by any chance,
you-you had a change of heart
and-and decided it
was your civic duty
to reimburse us
for our uniforms...?
Yes, sir... I realize
you've told me no
a dozen times, but I
want to be fair about this.
This is your last chance.
Yes, but...
Yes, sir, but I...
Well, you can just forget about
my vote in the next election!
Hi, Lucy!
Hi, girls.
Oh, I'm so glad to
see you all. Hello.
Just sit any place you
want to. Find your places.
Oh, goodness, we all look
so smart in our new uniforms,
I can hardly stand it.
Too bad we can't
wear them to fires.
Lucy, my husband
Sherwood said to tell you
he thinks our new uniforms
are just great looking.
Oh, that's good.
My Elroy must think so, too.
When I walked out the
front door, he pinched me.
Oh!
He hasn't done that
since last New Year's Eve.
Well, Harvey says I can
buy all the clothes I want,
as long as the Town
Council pays for them.
You know what, girls?
These uniforms
are so good looking,
I'll bet we wouldn't mind
paying for them ourselves.
They're not that good looking.
Pay for them ourselves.
Can you imagine...?
Okay, sit down, now. Let's
get the meeting started.
Come on, find
your places, girls.
All right, here we go.
Uh, you know what, girls?
Instead of having
a dull old meeting,
why don't we just
have some coffee,
sit around and gossip, huh?
Who'll we gossip
about? We're all here.
Oh, that's right.
Oh, I'll tell you what.
I'll leave. You
can talk about me.
Oh, Lucy...
Come on. Just read your
report, so we can get our money.
That's all I'm interested in.
Well, okay.
Uh, the meeting will
now come to order.
Any old business?
Any new business?
Uh, the meeting
stands adjourned.
Get the coffee, Viv.
Lucy, aren't you
forgetting something?
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
When you get the
coffee, get the donuts.
No, I mean your report.
Oh, by George, you're right.
You know, Audrey,
with-with your memory,
we ought to make you historian.
Thank you.
Yeah, how about that?
All those in favor of making
Audrey historian, say "aye".
Aye!
Motion carried!
Meeting adjourned!
Get the coffee.
Just a minute.
Lucy... I move that
Lucy read her report.
I second the motion. ALL: Aye!
Aye...
Uh... it has been suggested
that I read my report.
"Last week, your Captain
met with Councilman Bradley.
"He mentioned how much the
Town Council appreciates the work
"we girls are doing on...
as Volunteer Fire Fighters,
"and formally commended us
on the fine showing we made
"in the Founders Day Parade.
"After thanking
him, your Captain
"presented her request
for an appropriation
"to repay the Volunteers for
the purchase of their uniforms.
"Councilman Bradley said
that under no circumstances
"would the Council
lay out one penny
and we would have to
stand the cost ourselves."
The report is up for
approval. Do I hear any no's?
Report approved.
Who wants coffee?
Lucy, would you read
that last part again?
You talk too fast.
I don't talk too fast.
You listen too slow.
Wait, I'd like to hear
that last part, too.
I couldn't understand
one cotton-pickin' word.
I didn't get it, either.
I'll read it to you.
"Councilman Bradley said
that under no circumstances
"would the Council
lay out one penny,
and we would have to
stand the cost ourselves."
Do I hear any no's?
Report approved.
I'll get the coffee.
Wait just a second.
Are you trying to tell
us we're out $25 apiece?
Well, now, girls,
$25 is not a fortune.
Well, it is to me. I've got
six kids to buy shoes for.
I certainly never intended
to spend $25 of my clothes
allowance on this thing.
I need a new dress.
Me, too. I'm going
to look pretty silly
going to my daughter's
wedding in this uniform.
Well, what happened?
Before I read my report,
you thought these
uniforms looked great.
Well, they look crummy now.
Remember, Viv,
we got whistled at.
Before I spend $25
to get whistled at,
I'll go out in the kitchen
and turn on a tea kettle.
Lucy, what happened
to that big personal connection
you had with Councilman Bradley?
I thought you sat next
to him at the dinner party
and got very chummy.
Well, I did.
I told him all about
the Volunteers
and how we needed
new dress uniforms,
and-and he said we
were doing splendid work,
and to be sure and let him
know if there was any little
thing that he could do.
Then what happened?
Well, is it my fault
if he thinks $325 is
too big a little thing?
Oh, Lucy, you've put
all of us in a terrible spot.
Well, now girls, girls, girls...
Now, let's not panic.
After all, well, we should
be able to raise the money.
Now, just how do you
propose that we raise $325?
Well, uh, let's have
a rummage sale.
We had a rummage
sale last month.
We worked like dogs
and made four dollars.
I know! I know!
We'll sell cookies door to door.
And muscle in on
the Girl Scouts?!
I got it! I got it! We'll
have a paper drive!
A paper drive! Well, why not?
Now, little Jerry's school,
a couple of years ago,
made oodles of money by
collecting old newspapers.
Now, we'll collect
the newspapers
and we'll sell them to, uh,
Don Sharp, the salvage man.
He pays ten dollars a ton.
And we'll make enough
money to pay for the uniforms,
and we may make a little profit.
But, Lucy, ten dollars a ton?
We'd have to get at least
33 tons! That's hard work.
Besides that, where are we
going to keep that many papers
after we collect them?
We'll keep the papers right
here, right out in our yard.
Now, all those in favor, say,
"aye." Those opposed, "no."
The "ayes" have it.
We'll have a paper drive.
Get the coffee, Viv.
Too late! Meeting adjourned!
Hurry up, fellas.
It's really pouring!
Oh, wouldn't you
know it would rain
the day we collect all
these newspapers?!
I've got to get home. I
left my windows open.
Oh!
Is this the last, Lucy?
Yeah, this is the last.
Don't bring any more in here.
Why not?
Just put them down
and come on in.
I'll show you.
Put them down. Come on.
Sheesh.
See? What did I tell you?
There just isn't any more room.
Well, we could put
something on these chairs.
I intend putting something
on these chairs. Us.
Thank goodness! I'm exhausted.
Mom?
Here I am, honey.
Where are you?
Just keep following my voice.
Here I am, dear.
Oh, there you are.
Come on through.
Come on through. Where's Jerry?
Here.
Come on, honey,
I'll get you down.
Lucy?
Thelma, is that
you? Where are you?
I don't know. I'm lost!
If I could find the
front door, I'd go home.
Well, what are you near?
Well, there are a lot of
newspapers around me.
Swell.
Look, just stay where you
are. I'll send the boys to find you.
Go on, boys. See
if you can find her.
Lucy, I've added up your
figures, and we've got 34 tons.
Captain, we're over the top!
Oh, good!
Looks like we'll have
enough to pay for the uniforms
and put some extra
money in the bank.
Hooray!
Well, I guess your ol' Captain
knows a thing or two, after all.
Good-bye.
Bye.
They found her.
Come on, Lucy, call the
salvage man right away.
Oh, okay.
Anybody seen the phone lately?
I haven't seen that
phone for a long time.
It was over in there
someplace the last time I saw it.
Which way? Over...
Oh, here's the cord.
Yeah?
Yeah, I'm gaining on it.
She's found it. Well, it
looks like our old Captain
pulled us through again.
Yes, I guess that's why she's
the Captain and we're the crew.
Hello, Mr. Sharpe?
This is Lucy Carmichael.
Remember four years ago, I
was chairman of the paper drive
at the Danfield
Elementary School?
Uh-huh... and we sold
you 18 tons of paper?
Well, sir, I've broken
my own record!
I've got 34 tons
for you this time.
You what?
Oh, Mr. Sharpe,
you can't be retired!
Oh, well, uh, don't
misunderstand me, sir.
I-I think you certainly
do have the right
to retire if you're 82.
Yes, sir, but before you
leave for St. Petersburg,
could you give me the name
of another salvage man in town?
There isn't?
Oh, Mr. Sharpe,
there's got to be another
salvage man in Danfield!
Well, thank you, good-bye.
Lucy,
are we stuck with 34
tons of damp newspapers
in our living room?
You mean, we did all
this work for nothing
and we're still out the
money for our uniforms?
Lucy?
Lucy?
Now, we know you're
in there somewhere!
Come on, now, you've got
to face us sooner or later!
Lucy!
You come out of there!
Lucy, you come on out here!
It looks like we'll just
have to flush her out.
Lucy?
Lucy?
Lucy?
Lucille?
Lucy! Lucy!
Come out of there, Lucy!
Lucy!
Come on, Lucy.
Lucy, come on, now.
Well, I tell you, Viv,
there's just one thing to do.
We've got to call the volunteers
and call an emergency meeting.
That's a good idea.
This kind of incompetence
calls for drastic action.
We'll have to hold
a court-martial.
The court-martial of
Captain Carmichael
is now in session.
Is this the Fish Market?
Oh, hi, Ernie.
This is Mrs. Carmichael.
Say, Ernie, uh,
what are you wrapping
your fish in these days?
Oh, well, I happen to have a
few old newspapers lying around.
Oh, about 34 tons.
Oh, well, if you hear of anyone
in the next few
minutes, let me know.
Thanks, Ernie.
We'll see you now.
Forward, march!
Hip. Hip.
Hip. Hip.
Hip.
Hip. Halt.
One, two.
Captain Carmichael, rise
and face your accusers.
Captain Carmichael,
you are hereby charged
with gross neglect, inefficiency,
ineptitude and incompetence in
the performance of your duties.
As a result of which,
each member has incurred
a personal debt of $25,
and we have 34 tons
of worthless
newspapers in our yard.
Before we pass sentence,
do you have anything
to say in your defense?
Oh, gosh, gang,
nobody's perfect.
In view of the charges,
it has been decided
that it would be to
the best interests
of the Volunteer Fire Department
if you were given a
dishonorable discharge.
Attention!
Ex-Captain Carmichael.
About face.
About face.
You will report at the firehouse
promptly at 2:00 p.m. tomorrow
and turn in your axe.
Oh...
Oh, not my axe!
Oh, please, give
me another chance!
I'll never goof
again, I promise!
Audrey, how can
you do this to me,
after all we've been
through together?
Remember how we stomped out
those burning leaves
behind the gas company?
Thelma, can you ever forget
the look on Grandma Sutton's face
when we rescued
her cat out of that tree?
And, Viv, you of all people.
We're roomies!
You are dismissed.
Oh, Viv.
Thelma.
Audrey.
Maybe it's the governor!
Hello.
Oh, hi, Ernie!
Yeah!
He did? He will?
Oh, thanks!
What?
Oh, that's all right.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Ernie.
Guess what? Ernie
says he knows a man
over in Brewster that'll
buy all our papers.
Am I back in?
Am I?
You're back in.
Oh, thank you!
Thank you!
Uh, oh.
There's, uh, just
one little thing.
What's that? Yes, what's that?
Uh, well, since Brewster
is 23 miles away,
they won't be able
to come over here,
so we'll have to rent a truck
and take the papers over there.
You're back out.
If I rent the truck
with my own money?
In that case, you're back in.
Oh, thank you.
Then it's all settled.
You won't be needing those.
Why not? I'm back in.
You're back in as a private.
If you rent the truck, and
if you sell the newspapers
to the man in Brewster,
and if we feel like it,
we may return you to Captain.
If!
He wants us to wave to him.
Hey, lady.
Yes, sir?
Where do you think you're going?
Right here.
Can't you read?
Oh, yes, sir. It says the
"Brewster Salvage Company."
Can you read that?
"One way."
May I see your
driver's license, please?
There you are.
We're strangers
in town, Officer.
Yeah, we're from Danfield.
Welcome to Brewster.
Thank you.
You're not giving
me a ticket, are you?
No, I'm not.
Oh, thank you.
I'm gonna give you two tickets.
Your driver's license
expired six months ago.
Now, better back that truck up,
go around the block
and come in the right way.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Officer, I don't suppose,
since we're right here
where we were going,
that you'd, uh, let me
unload the newspapers
first and then back out?
Would you?
Well, it was just a thought.
Oh, what a ridiculous
place to put an arch.
In fact, I'm not too sure
about this whole town.
One-way streets, low
arches and crabby policemen.
Lucy. What?
That crabby
policeman's here again.
You told me to go
around the block.
Around the block, yes.
Halfway down the block
and through the alley, no.
What are you gonna give
me a ticket for this time?
Demolishing public property.
This is a landmark.
Don't you ever go to
bank holdups or anything?
This will make
it three of a kind.
Now, I could give you a
ticket for being uncooperative
and another one
for being a litterbug,
if you'd care to
try for a full house.
No, thank you.
Then let's clean this
mess up, back out of here,
go around the block
and come in the right way.
Yes, sir.
Come on, Viv.
Clean up the street.
Pick it up and
put it back there.
Well, we finally made it.
Thank goodness.
I thought we were gonna
spend the rest of our lives
in the cab of that dump truck.
Yeah.
Oh, shall I put some money
in the other parking meters?
What for? We're only
parking one vehicle.
Are you the ladies
from Danfield?
Yep. Yes, sir.
I heard you were
in the neighborhood.
Oh.
I'm Ben Cooper of
Brewster Salvage Company.
How do you do, Mr. Cooper?
Oh, how do you do?
A pleasure.
If you'll step into my office,
I'll write you out a check.
Yes, sir.
We'll unload your truck
just as soon as the
boys get back from lunch.
Good. Okay.
Well, Viv, there it is.
We can pay for all the uniforms.
Won't the girls
be excited? Yeah.
I can hardly wait to
get home and tell them.
Yeah. Hey, let's dump
the newspapers ourselves
and get out of here. Okay.
Stop!
You're burying a
policeman back there!
It can't be the same policeman!
There you are, girls.
I made you a Jell-O
lemon meringue pie
to celebrate the
success of the paper sale.
Mmm, tastes great.
You're all right, Viv.
Well, we girls deserve
something special,
and a Jell-O lemon pie
is about the specialest
thing I can think of.
Hadn't we better
save some though?
Why?
To send to Lucy
in the Brewster jail.
Oh, she isn't going
to jail, Audrey.
But she had to promise
never to drive in Brewster
as long as she lives.
Mmm, then we can have seconds.
Well, okay.
It is pretty hard to resist
that wonderful tart,
sweet lemony goodness.
How about that...
Our very own
little red fire suits
and second helpings
of Jell-O lemon pie.
Let's have another
paper collection.
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The Lucy Show is
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Lucy, I'm sure glad
you talked us into
getting these Volunteer
Fire Department uniforms.
Oh, I'll bet we're
the best-dressed
volunteer fire department
in the whole county.
Yeah...
We were a smash in
the Founders Day Parade!
You know, we got almost as many
whistles as the drum majorettes?
That's right.
The only trouble is,
marching in formation,
you can't turn around to
see who's doing the whistling.
No...
There you are. All ready
for the meeting, Captain.
Thanks, Lieutenant.
Ow!
Ow!
Lucy, you're acting awful funny.
Is anything wrong?
Wrong? What should be wrong?
There's nothing wrong.
Well, you're acting so nervous.
Oh, don't tell me
you've got stage fright
because you have to read
your financial report to the girls.
Uh, yeah, I guess so.
Well, all you have
to do is to tell them
what Councilman Bradley said
when he gave you the
$325 for our uniforms,
give the check to the treasurer,
the girls all get
reimbursed $25 apiece.
That's all there is to it.
Yeah, that's all
there is to it, really.
Viv, you'd better go
make the coffee, dear.
Oh, yes, I'd better
make the coffee.
Hello? Councilman Bradley?
This is Captain Carmichael
of the Danfield Volunteer
Fire Department.
Yes, sir. Well, we're having
our meeting in a few minutes
and I'm going to make my report,
so I was just wondering
if, by any chance,
you-you had a change of heart
and-and decided it
was your civic duty
to reimburse us
for our uniforms...?
Yes, sir... I realize
you've told me no
a dozen times, but I
want to be fair about this.
This is your last chance.
Yes, but...
Yes, sir, but I...
Well, you can just forget about
my vote in the next election!
Hi, Lucy!
Hi, girls.
Oh, I'm so glad to
see you all. Hello.
Just sit any place you
want to. Find your places.
Oh, goodness, we all look
so smart in our new uniforms,
I can hardly stand it.
Too bad we can't
wear them to fires.
Lucy, my husband
Sherwood said to tell you
he thinks our new uniforms
are just great looking.
Oh, that's good.
My Elroy must think so, too.
When I walked out the
front door, he pinched me.
Oh!
He hasn't done that
since last New Year's Eve.
Well, Harvey says I can
buy all the clothes I want,
as long as the Town
Council pays for them.
You know what, girls?
These uniforms
are so good looking,
I'll bet we wouldn't mind
paying for them ourselves.
They're not that good looking.
Pay for them ourselves.
Can you imagine...?
Okay, sit down, now. Let's
get the meeting started.
Come on, find
your places, girls.
All right, here we go.
Uh, you know what, girls?
Instead of having
a dull old meeting,
why don't we just
have some coffee,
sit around and gossip, huh?
Who'll we gossip
about? We're all here.
Oh, that's right.
Oh, I'll tell you what.
I'll leave. You
can talk about me.
Oh, Lucy...
Come on. Just read your
report, so we can get our money.
That's all I'm interested in.
Well, okay.
Uh, the meeting will
now come to order.
Any old business?
Any new business?
Uh, the meeting
stands adjourned.
Get the coffee, Viv.
Lucy, aren't you
forgetting something?
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
When you get the
coffee, get the donuts.
No, I mean your report.
Oh, by George, you're right.
You know, Audrey,
with-with your memory,
we ought to make you historian.
Thank you.
Yeah, how about that?
All those in favor of making
Audrey historian, say "aye".
Aye!
Motion carried!
Meeting adjourned!
Get the coffee.
Just a minute.
Lucy... I move that
Lucy read her report.
I second the motion. ALL: Aye!
Aye...
Uh... it has been suggested
that I read my report.
"Last week, your Captain
met with Councilman Bradley.
"He mentioned how much the
Town Council appreciates the work
"we girls are doing on...
as Volunteer Fire Fighters,
"and formally commended us
on the fine showing we made
"in the Founders Day Parade.
"After thanking
him, your Captain
"presented her request
for an appropriation
"to repay the Volunteers for
the purchase of their uniforms.
"Councilman Bradley said
that under no circumstances
"would the Council
lay out one penny
and we would have to
stand the cost ourselves."
The report is up for
approval. Do I hear any no's?
Report approved.
Who wants coffee?
Lucy, would you read
that last part again?
You talk too fast.
I don't talk too fast.
You listen too slow.
Wait, I'd like to hear
that last part, too.
I couldn't understand
one cotton-pickin' word.
I didn't get it, either.
I'll read it to you.
"Councilman Bradley said
that under no circumstances
"would the Council
lay out one penny,
and we would have to
stand the cost ourselves."
Do I hear any no's?
Report approved.
I'll get the coffee.
Wait just a second.
Are you trying to tell
us we're out $25 apiece?
Well, now, girls,
$25 is not a fortune.
Well, it is to me. I've got
six kids to buy shoes for.
I certainly never intended
to spend $25 of my clothes
allowance on this thing.
I need a new dress.
Me, too. I'm going
to look pretty silly
going to my daughter's
wedding in this uniform.
Well, what happened?
Before I read my report,
you thought these
uniforms looked great.
Well, they look crummy now.
Remember, Viv,
we got whistled at.
Before I spend $25
to get whistled at,
I'll go out in the kitchen
and turn on a tea kettle.
Lucy, what happened
to that big personal connection
you had with Councilman Bradley?
I thought you sat next
to him at the dinner party
and got very chummy.
Well, I did.
I told him all about
the Volunteers
and how we needed
new dress uniforms,
and-and he said we
were doing splendid work,
and to be sure and let him
know if there was any little
thing that he could do.
Then what happened?
Well, is it my fault
if he thinks $325 is
too big a little thing?
Oh, Lucy, you've put
all of us in a terrible spot.
Well, now girls, girls, girls...
Now, let's not panic.
After all, well, we should
be able to raise the money.
Now, just how do you
propose that we raise $325?
Well, uh, let's have
a rummage sale.
We had a rummage
sale last month.
We worked like dogs
and made four dollars.
I know! I know!
We'll sell cookies door to door.
And muscle in on
the Girl Scouts?!
I got it! I got it! We'll
have a paper drive!
A paper drive! Well, why not?
Now, little Jerry's school,
a couple of years ago,
made oodles of money by
collecting old newspapers.
Now, we'll collect
the newspapers
and we'll sell them to, uh,
Don Sharp, the salvage man.
He pays ten dollars a ton.
And we'll make enough
money to pay for the uniforms,
and we may make a little profit.
But, Lucy, ten dollars a ton?
We'd have to get at least
33 tons! That's hard work.
Besides that, where are we
going to keep that many papers
after we collect them?
We'll keep the papers right
here, right out in our yard.
Now, all those in favor, say,
"aye." Those opposed, "no."
The "ayes" have it.
We'll have a paper drive.
Get the coffee, Viv.
Too late! Meeting adjourned!
Hurry up, fellas.
It's really pouring!
Oh, wouldn't you
know it would rain
the day we collect all
these newspapers?!
I've got to get home. I
left my windows open.
Oh!
Is this the last, Lucy?
Yeah, this is the last.
Don't bring any more in here.
Why not?
Just put them down
and come on in.
I'll show you.
Put them down. Come on.
Sheesh.
See? What did I tell you?
There just isn't any more room.
Well, we could put
something on these chairs.
I intend putting something
on these chairs. Us.
Thank goodness! I'm exhausted.
Mom?
Here I am, honey.
Where are you?
Just keep following my voice.
Here I am, dear.
Oh, there you are.
Come on through.
Come on through. Where's Jerry?
Here.
Come on, honey,
I'll get you down.
Lucy?
Thelma, is that
you? Where are you?
I don't know. I'm lost!
If I could find the
front door, I'd go home.
Well, what are you near?
Well, there are a lot of
newspapers around me.
Swell.
Look, just stay where you
are. I'll send the boys to find you.
Go on, boys. See
if you can find her.
Lucy, I've added up your
figures, and we've got 34 tons.
Captain, we're over the top!
Oh, good!
Looks like we'll have
enough to pay for the uniforms
and put some extra
money in the bank.
Hooray!
Well, I guess your ol' Captain
knows a thing or two, after all.
Good-bye.
Bye.
They found her.
Come on, Lucy, call the
salvage man right away.
Oh, okay.
Anybody seen the phone lately?
I haven't seen that
phone for a long time.
It was over in there
someplace the last time I saw it.
Which way? Over...
Oh, here's the cord.
Yeah?
Yeah, I'm gaining on it.
She's found it. Well, it
looks like our old Captain
pulled us through again.
Yes, I guess that's why she's
the Captain and we're the crew.
Hello, Mr. Sharpe?
This is Lucy Carmichael.
Remember four years ago, I
was chairman of the paper drive
at the Danfield
Elementary School?
Uh-huh... and we sold
you 18 tons of paper?
Well, sir, I've broken
my own record!
I've got 34 tons
for you this time.
You what?
Oh, Mr. Sharpe,
you can't be retired!
Oh, well, uh, don't
misunderstand me, sir.
I-I think you certainly
do have the right
to retire if you're 82.
Yes, sir, but before you
leave for St. Petersburg,
could you give me the name
of another salvage man in town?
There isn't?
Oh, Mr. Sharpe,
there's got to be another
salvage man in Danfield!
Well, thank you, good-bye.
Lucy,
are we stuck with 34
tons of damp newspapers
in our living room?
You mean, we did all
this work for nothing
and we're still out the
money for our uniforms?
Lucy?
Lucy?
Now, we know you're
in there somewhere!
Come on, now, you've got
to face us sooner or later!
Lucy!
You come out of there!
Lucy, you come on out here!
It looks like we'll just
have to flush her out.
Lucy?
Lucy?
Lucy?
Lucille?
Lucy! Lucy!
Come out of there, Lucy!
Lucy!
Come on, Lucy.
Lucy, come on, now.
Well, I tell you, Viv,
there's just one thing to do.
We've got to call the volunteers
and call an emergency meeting.
That's a good idea.
This kind of incompetence
calls for drastic action.
We'll have to hold
a court-martial.
The court-martial of
Captain Carmichael
is now in session.
Is this the Fish Market?
Oh, hi, Ernie.
This is Mrs. Carmichael.
Say, Ernie, uh,
what are you wrapping
your fish in these days?
Oh, well, I happen to have a
few old newspapers lying around.
Oh, about 34 tons.
Oh, well, if you hear of anyone
in the next few
minutes, let me know.
Thanks, Ernie.
We'll see you now.
Forward, march!
Hip. Hip.
Hip. Hip.
Hip.
Hip. Halt.
One, two.
Captain Carmichael, rise
and face your accusers.
Captain Carmichael,
you are hereby charged
with gross neglect, inefficiency,
ineptitude and incompetence in
the performance of your duties.
As a result of which,
each member has incurred
a personal debt of $25,
and we have 34 tons
of worthless
newspapers in our yard.
Before we pass sentence,
do you have anything
to say in your defense?
Oh, gosh, gang,
nobody's perfect.
In view of the charges,
it has been decided
that it would be to
the best interests
of the Volunteer Fire Department
if you were given a
dishonorable discharge.
Attention!
Ex-Captain Carmichael.
About face.
About face.
You will report at the firehouse
promptly at 2:00 p.m. tomorrow
and turn in your axe.
Oh...
Oh, not my axe!
Oh, please, give
me another chance!
I'll never goof
again, I promise!
Audrey, how can
you do this to me,
after all we've been
through together?
Remember how we stomped out
those burning leaves
behind the gas company?
Thelma, can you ever forget
the look on Grandma Sutton's face
when we rescued
her cat out of that tree?
And, Viv, you of all people.
We're roomies!
You are dismissed.
Oh, Viv.
Thelma.
Audrey.
Maybe it's the governor!
Hello.
Oh, hi, Ernie!
Yeah!
He did? He will?
Oh, thanks!
What?
Oh, that's all right.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Ernie.
Guess what? Ernie
says he knows a man
over in Brewster that'll
buy all our papers.
Am I back in?
Am I?
You're back in.
Oh, thank you!
Thank you!
Uh, oh.
There's, uh, just
one little thing.
What's that? Yes, what's that?
Uh, well, since Brewster
is 23 miles away,
they won't be able
to come over here,
so we'll have to rent a truck
and take the papers over there.
You're back out.
If I rent the truck
with my own money?
In that case, you're back in.
Oh, thank you.
Then it's all settled.
You won't be needing those.
Why not? I'm back in.
You're back in as a private.
If you rent the truck, and
if you sell the newspapers
to the man in Brewster,
and if we feel like it,
we may return you to Captain.
If!
He wants us to wave to him.
Hey, lady.
Yes, sir?
Where do you think you're going?
Right here.
Can't you read?
Oh, yes, sir. It says the
"Brewster Salvage Company."
Can you read that?
"One way."
May I see your
driver's license, please?
There you are.
We're strangers
in town, Officer.
Yeah, we're from Danfield.
Welcome to Brewster.
Thank you.
You're not giving
me a ticket, are you?
No, I'm not.
Oh, thank you.
I'm gonna give you two tickets.
Your driver's license
expired six months ago.
Now, better back that truck up,
go around the block
and come in the right way.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Officer, I don't suppose,
since we're right here
where we were going,
that you'd, uh, let me
unload the newspapers
first and then back out?
Would you?
Well, it was just a thought.
Oh, what a ridiculous
place to put an arch.
In fact, I'm not too sure
about this whole town.
One-way streets, low
arches and crabby policemen.
Lucy. What?
That crabby
policeman's here again.
You told me to go
around the block.
Around the block, yes.
Halfway down the block
and through the alley, no.
What are you gonna give
me a ticket for this time?
Demolishing public property.
This is a landmark.
Don't you ever go to
bank holdups or anything?
This will make
it three of a kind.
Now, I could give you a
ticket for being uncooperative
and another one
for being a litterbug,
if you'd care to
try for a full house.
No, thank you.
Then let's clean this
mess up, back out of here,
go around the block
and come in the right way.
Yes, sir.
Come on, Viv.
Clean up the street.
Pick it up and
put it back there.
Well, we finally made it.
Thank goodness.
I thought we were gonna
spend the rest of our lives
in the cab of that dump truck.
Yeah.
Oh, shall I put some money
in the other parking meters?
What for? We're only
parking one vehicle.
Are you the ladies
from Danfield?
Yep. Yes, sir.
I heard you were
in the neighborhood.
Oh.
I'm Ben Cooper of
Brewster Salvage Company.
How do you do, Mr. Cooper?
Oh, how do you do?
A pleasure.
If you'll step into my office,
I'll write you out a check.
Yes, sir.
We'll unload your truck
just as soon as the
boys get back from lunch.
Good. Okay.
Well, Viv, there it is.
We can pay for all the uniforms.
Won't the girls
be excited? Yeah.
I can hardly wait to
get home and tell them.
Yeah. Hey, let's dump
the newspapers ourselves
and get out of here. Okay.
Stop!
You're burying a
policeman back there!
It can't be the same policeman!
There you are, girls.
I made you a Jell-O
lemon meringue pie
to celebrate the
success of the paper sale.
Mmm, tastes great.
You're all right, Viv.
Well, we girls deserve
something special,
and a Jell-O lemon pie
is about the specialest
thing I can think of.
Hadn't we better
save some though?
Why?
To send to Lucy
in the Brewster jail.
Oh, she isn't going
to jail, Audrey.
But she had to promise
never to drive in Brewster
as long as she lives.
Mmm, then we can have seconds.
Well, okay.
It is pretty hard to resist
that wonderful tart,
sweet lemony goodness.
How about that...
Our very own
little red fire suits
and second helpings
of Jell-O lemon pie.
Let's have another
paper collection.
The Lucy Show
was brought to you by
Jell-O Pudding & Pie Filling,
the creamy, easy answer
to "What's for dessert?"
Another fine product
of General Foods.
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