The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 1, Episode 21 - No More Double Dates - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Lucy, Viv.

Aren't you ready yet?

Be down in a minute.

You know how I hate to walk
in in the middle of a picture.



Be down in a minute.

"Be down in a minute."

"Be down in a minute."

You don't suppose they
really left before we got here,

and that's a recording?

Care to join me in
the reading room?

Well, I guess there's no use

trying to fight it.

You know, since
I've been dating Viv,

I've read 23 novels,
five mystery stories,

and the first two volumes
of The Bobsy Twins.

Aren't you a little old
for The Bobsy Twins?

I forgot my book one night.

I had to borrow Jerry's.



Come on, fellas,
don't just sit there.

Let's get going.

Yeah, you know
how I hate to walk in

in the middle of a picture.

All right, gang.

Where will we go for dinner?

How about Tony DiBello's?

I'm dying for some lasagna.

Oh, no, we went there
last Saturday night.

Let's go someplace
else this Saturday night.

Uh, how about
the Country Kitchen

over in Ridgeberry?

Oh, no.

I'd like some roast beef.

Uh, what about the Colonial Inn?

Oh, no, Eddie.

The service is so slow.

But I get such a
kick out of eating

in a place that's
over 300 years old.

Just imagine.

George Washington
really slept there.

Of course he did.

He dozed off
waiting for his dinner.

That's beside the
point. Oh, you always

want roast beef every Saturday
night. I like it very much...

Oh, come on. Hey, wait a minute.

Why don't you let me decide?

Okay. Right.

What'll it be, Tony DiBello's,

the Country Kitchen
or the Colonial Inn?

The Cafe Tambourine.

That wasn't even
in the discussion.

Well, it is now.

Oh, I don't want to
go there. Me, either.

I know what.

I'll write all the
names down on here,

and we'll draw them out
of a hat... how about that?

Okay, fine. That's very fair.

That's not a bad
idea. Let's see.

Country Kitchen...

Colonial Inn...

Tony DiBello...

Cafe Tambourine.

All right, give me
a hat, somebody.

Give Lucy that. Eddie.

One hat coming up.

Right.

There... now I'll draw one.

Oh, no, you don't.

I know you.

Well!

Come on, Eddie, you draw.

Okay.

Cafe Tambourine.

Oh, good!

Well, let's get started.

Just a minute.

Cafe Tambourine...

Cafe Tambourine...

Cafe Tambourine.

Do you know that that
is downright cheating?

Lucy.

How could you do
anything like that?

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

You certainly should.

My.

Well, we've got
to start all over.

Where shall we eat tonight?

I know where we'll
go: the Pink Pheasant.

It's perfect, because
it just opened.

We don't know enough
about it to knock it.

Oh, no. Why not, Eddie?

Take it from a
traveling man, tootsie.

You don't go to a new place

until you hear whether
it's good or bad.

Let somebody else be the sucker.

Well, I'm so hungry, I
don't care where we go,

as long as we eat.

I don't, either. Me, too.

Well, if you don't care,

let's go to the Cafe Tambourine.

Oh, why not?

Yeah, let's go.

Okay.

We'll never make that
movie before it starts.

Oh, wait a minute.

What's the matter now?

We haven't decided on
what movie we're going to see.

Oh, that's right, that's right.

Now, let's see, um...

Ben-Hur is playing at the Ritz.

No, I want to see Whatever
Happened to Baby Jane?

Oh, no, Viv.

That's so scary.

Why don't we see
the Cary Grant picture

at the Danfield Theater?

No, I want to see Whatever
Happened to Baby Jane?

Well, I don't. I know the one

we ought to see:
Two for the Seesaw.

I hear it's great,
and there are only

two actors in the
whole picture. No, no.

That's too expensive for me.

When I go to the movies,

I want to get my money's worth.

What are you talking about?

Well, the tickets are
a dollar and a half,

and with just two in
the cast, that means

that the actors run
you 75 cents apiece.

Oh, boy.

Look, if you really want
to get your money's worth,

let's go to Ben-Hur.

That has a cast of 30,000.

That's 200 actors a penny.

Well, I guess I can see
Cary Grant some other time.

I'll go see Ben-Hur.

I'll see Ben-Hur.

I'll see a kiddie matinee

if it will get us
out of this house.

Okay... Ben-Hur, it is.

Right. Good. Right.

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, what now, Viv?

Isn't Ben-Hur playing over
in Ridgeberry? That's right.

Well, as long as we're
going to be way over there,

it's silly not to eat in
the Country Kitchen.

Oh, now, Viv, we
already decided to...

to eat at the Cafe Tambourine.

Oh, but eating at
the Country Kitchen

would save time
'cause we're going

to be way over there anyway.

But the Colonial Inn
is right on our way.

As long as we're opening
this whole thing up,

what was wrong
with Tony DiBello's?

Oh, honestly. I'll tell
you what was wrong

with Tony DiBello's. And what
is this thing about the roast beef?

I don't want roast
beef. Every Saturday...

I want to go to Cafe Tambourine.

Oh, hi, Harry, come on in.

Hi, Chris. How are you?

Oh, just fine.

Mother, Harry's here.

Be down in a minute.

I'm ready for her this time.

Have a good time.

Thanks, sweetie.

Hi there.

Are you really ready on time,
or is that a fancy bathrobe?

I'm ready.

Now, put down that book.

Oh, I was just getting
to the good part.

Listen, Harry.

The reason I asked
you to come over early...

I wanted to talk to you alone

about a little plan that I have.

If you're going to
ask me to elope again,

it's a bad night for it.

My ladder's broken.

No, that's not
what I had in mind.

Good, I wouldn't
want to disappoint you.

Harry...

I just thought maybe, for once,

we could go out alone
on a Saturday night

without Viv and Eddie.

Anything wrong?

No, there's nothing wrong.

I love both of them very much,

but to tell you the
truth, I'm just a little tired

of these Saturday
night town hall debates.

"Where will we go?"
"What will we do?"

"What will we see?"
"Where will we eat?"

It is a grim little scene. Yeah,

but the problem
is how to tell them

we don't want to be with them

without hurting their feelings.

Hmm... why don't
we tell them the truth?

You mean just walk
right up to them and say,

"Viv, Eddie, we're sick of you"?

That doesn't sound right... no.

Let's think.

You've just been given

two tickets to a Broadway show.

I have?

I hope it's a musical.

No... no, I meant we'll just say

that you've been
given two tickets

to a Broadway show. Oh?

And then, we'll pretend

that we have to catch the train,

but instead, we'll go
to the Pink Pheasant

and have a lovely
evening all by ourselves.

Isn't that a little risky?

Suppose we bump
into Eddie and Viv

at the Pink Pheasant.

Well, you remember
what Eddie said last week

about going to new restaurants.

Ah, yeah.

"Let somebody
else be the suckers."

Yeah... so that's just the place

for us suckers to go.

That's it, then. Good.

It will be wonderful to spend
Saturday night without Vivian...

Oh, there you are!

Don't you look pretty, Viv.

Thanks a lot.

I'll get it.

Hi, Eddie, come on in.

Hi.

Well...

I guess I won't be needing this.

Well, gang, where
will we go tonight?

Oh, by the way...

Lucy and I won't be
going with you tonight.

Why not?

Well, uh, this afternoon,

a good friend of mine gave me

two tickets to a Broadway show,

so Lucy and I will
be going to New York.

Yeah, so we can't
all be together, darn it.

Yeah, darn it.

Oh, that's too bad.

Say, why don't you

get a couple of
tickets and join us?

They can't!

Why not?

Well, uh,
be-because it-it's, uh...

it's, uh... it's,
uh... it's a benefit,

and-and they're all...
they're all sold out.

Remember, Harry?
Uh, that's right.

Yeah. Oh...

We better be going, honey.

Right, right, right.

Well, tootsie,

where will we go tonight?

There's a good
movie at the Bijou.

No, I heard that was a bomb,

but there's a great
Western at the Danfield.

Oh, I don't feel like
going to a Western tonight.

I heard that new Doris
Day picture is very cute.

I don't feel like
Doris Day tonight.

Well, then, you better
see the Western.

I don't want to see a Western.

I heard it's the best
Western ever made.

Wait a minute.

What are we arguing about?

You're not even going.

Oh, sorry... force of habit.

I better call a taxi to
take us to the station.

Oh, yeah, we have
to catch a 6:04.

Do you think I'm going
to let you take a taxi?

No, sir, we'll drive
you to the station.

Drive us to the station?

Sure, why not?

Well, uh, you...

you're not ready to leave yet.

You don't know
where you're going,

what you're going to see
or where you're going to go

or what you're going to eat.

You got a lot of
arguing to do yet.

Go ahead, get the taxi.

I insist on driving
you to the station.

Come on, tootsie, I'll
help you with your coat.

All right.

There you go.

All set?

Okay, gang, let's go.

Yeah.

You don't want
to miss your train.

No, we don't want
to miss that train.

It's a good thing we drove you.

You'd never have made your train

if you'd waited for the taxi.

That was very
sweet of you, Eddie.

Hey, what show
are you going to see?

Uh... I forgot.

Uh, what was the name of it?

Uh... it's just opening tonight.

That's it: Just Opening Tonight.

Come on.

Have a good time.
Have a good time.

Bye. Bye.

Well, tootsie, let's go, huh?

Eddie? Yeah?

Why don't you buy a newspaper?

We can decide what movie

we're going to see
after dinner, huh?

Good idea... can I have a paper?

Well, here we are.

Well, go ahead.

It's your choice.

My choice? Yep.

Oh, my... well...

Oh, good, it's still playing.

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

Oh, no.

What's wrong?

I saw it this week
in Philadelphia.

Eddie, you didn't!

You knew how much I
wanted to see that movie.

I'm terribly sorry, tootsie.

During dinner, I'll tell you

all about what
happened to Baby Jane.

You do, and they'll be asking,

"Whatever happened
to Eddie Collins?"

Well, let's see. Let's decide

about the movie
at dinnertime, huh?

Harry!

Lucy!

What happened?

Um...

what happened?

Don't tell me you
missed your train.

That's it. That's
what we missed:

the train.

Oh.

Well, look, there's
another train in 12 minutes,

and it only makes one
stop in New Rochelle.

You're in luck.

Yeah, this is our
lucky night, all right.

Well, uh, thanks for driving us

to the station, Eddie. Yeah.

You-you run along
and have a nice dinner.

Thanks, honey. It was very... What,
and leave you two here all alone?

Oh, no, sir.

We're going to stay
right here with you

and keep you company

and make sure you
don't miss the next train.

Oh, but you don't have to
go to all that bother, Eddie.

Oh, it's no bother at all.

But-but the train will
be here in 12 minutes.

We don't mind waiting
12 minutes together,

do we, Harry?

Well, it's kind of nice

to have friends to see you off.

Ooh!

Well,

that's an interesting
way to start an evening...

Making a round-trip
to New Rochelle.

We could have gotten
off before New Rochelle,

but I'm too chicken to
jump off a moving train.

You know, that's a
lot of trouble to go to

to get rid of your
two best friends.

You're right.

Let's get to the Pink Pheasant.

I'm starved. I'll call a taxi.

Harry!

Lucy!

What in the world
are you doing here?

What happened?

Uh, well, um...

Uh...

well, we got on the train and...

Let me guess.

You forgot the theatre tickets.

Good guess!

We forgot the tickets.

We did?

Oh, we did!

All we have to do is
drive 'em back home,

pick up the tickets, and bring
'em back here before they know it.

Oh, no, no, Eddie,

we wouldn't let you
go to all that trouble.

It's no trouble at all.

We'd be glad to do it.

Oh.

Just think, if I
hadn't left my gloves

we wouldn't have been able to
come back here and help you out.

How about that?

Yeah, how about that?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Wait a minute, Eddie.
We can't let you do this.

It's too much of an imposition.

Not at all!

Oh, wait a minute!

Uh, I just happened to think.

What? What? Uh, uh,

you know, you-you-you
left those theatre tickets

on the coffee table
and I picked them up

and I put them in my bag. Yep!

They're there! Where? Where?

Oh, well then,
Eddie, that's fine.

What time's the next train?

Well, let's take a look.

Uh... 7:42.

No wait a minute,

that doesn't get into New York

until a quarter to 9:00.

There's no point in going.

You'll miss half the show.

Oh, we don't mind
that, do we, Harry?

Oh, you know how I hate

to get in in the
middle of a show.

Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

There's an express
in 15 minutes!

Yeah, but that
doesn't stop here.

I know, but it
stops at Ridgeberry,

and we can drive you
there in ten minutes.

Oh, no, no, no, that
won't be necessary.

No, that's too much trouble.

We'll just catch
the train right here.

It doesn't stop here.

Oh, that's all right.
We'll just hang on a hook

and they can pick
us up with the mail.

That's cute, huh?

Come on, we're driving
you to Ridgeberry.

All set, Viv? Oh.

Let's go.

Boy, it'll be good to
see New Rochelle again!

Oh, boy, it's good to be
back in Danfield again.

I was kind of growing
fond of New Rochelle.

Call a taxi cab.

I'm starved. Right.

Oh, wouldn't you know?

You know, if we'd been
traveling in a straight line

we'd be in Miami Beach by now?

You're right.

And if we were in Miami Beach,

Viv and Eddie would be
meeting us at the station

and shoving us back on the train

for New Rochelle.

Oh, I hope that Pink
Pheasant's good.

I'm starved. Go ahead.

Hello?

Harry!

Nice seein' ya. How've you been?

Good to see you.
Come on, let's go.

Hey, this place must be good.

Look at the crowd.

Yeah.

The thing I like about it,

it isn't leaving in two
minutes for New Rochelle.

Would you like to order?

Oh, yes, sir,

would we like to
order! Tell him.

We'll have the, uh, roast
beef, rare for both of us,

and a couple of shrimp cocktails.
- Yes, sir.

And the roast beef about that
thick and nice and juicy, huh?

Yes, ma'am. I'm very hungry.

Yes, ma'am.

Well, we finally made it.

It's Saturday night
and we're having dinner

without Viv and Eddie.

How about that?

Yeah.

Hear what they're playing?

Yes.

Want to dance?

Yeah, I'd love to. Good.

Table for two, please.

I'm terribly sorry,
but as you can see,

I don't have a thing right now.

Oh, dear.

There's Viv and Eddie!

You're kidding. They'll see us!

Well, duck. Duck.

Are they there? Yeah? Yeah.

I think they're
trying to get a table.

Are they still there?

Oh, I'm sorry.

If you'd care to wait a few
minutes in the other room,

I might have something.

Well? Okay.

I think they're going. Good.

I think they've gone!

Boy!

Why did they come here?

I don't know.

I'm glad they
couldn't get a table.

Boy, that was close!

Why did they come here?

Eddie said he wouldn't
come to one of these places.

I can't figure it either.

For Heaven's sake!

If I didn't know better I'd
think we were being shadowed

by the FBI.

Oh, I've got to call
the airline and check in.

Okay. Excuse me.

Yeah... oh, Harry. Huh?

If you see the waiter,
will you ask him to hurry?

I'm so hungry.
I'll hurry him up.

Good evening, Madame.

Oh, good evening.

May I play something for you?

Oh, uh...

uh, do you know "Dark Eyes"?

"Ochi Chornie"?

Ochi Chornie?

Yes. Ah.

That's it.

I have a table for
you, Mr. Collins.

Oh, good. Oh,
thank you, thank you.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, there's an empty table.

Could we have that one?

Well... Oh, thank you!

Oh, thank you.

Is that all right?

Yes, fine.

Didn't know I had the table.

Okay, fine, thank you.

You know, I, uh,

I still don't like the idea

of coming to a restaurant
that hasn't been recommended.

Now, Eddie, this is
the only restaurant

within a radius of 20 miles
that had an empty table,

so it has been recommended...

By me!

Well, we'll just
see how good it is.

All righty.

Oh, pardon me.

What for?

I just kicked you.

No, you didn't.

Didn't you feel anything?

No, it must have
been the table leg. Oh.

I felt it that time.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Eddie.

Okay. Oh, let's see...

Are you ready to order?
Oh, are you ready? Yes.

I want a shrimp cocktail,

and prime ribs of
beef, medium rare.

That's, uh, two large
shrimp cocktails,

a prime ribs medium rare,

and a nice, big,
thick, juicy steak.

Yes, sir. Okay.

I'll have the waiter bring the
shrimp cocktail right away.

Thank you.

Now we'll just see

what kind of service
they've got here.

Two shrimp cocktails.

How do you like
the service so far?

I must say it's pretty good.

Can you pass me a napkin? Yeah.

Sure. There you are. Thank you.

Mmm!

Oh, that's the best shrimp I
ever tasted in my whole life.

It's pretty good sauce, too.

Mm-hmm.

Would you like a roll?

No, thanks, Eddie.

I'm trying to cut down.

Oh, come on, come
on, one won't hurt.

Well, I guess one won't hurt.

Oh!

Let it go, let it go...

Uh-oh. No, no, no.

If you're gonna cut
down, don't eat butter.

Oh, now come on, Eddie, let
me... No, no, no, no, you don't.

Oh, please.

Not even one pat.

You promise?

Okay.

I'll just eat it dry.

Oh, that's so good.

Mmm...

Eddie?

Yeah?

Oh, that's funny!

Hey, I can't get any salt.

Oh, there she goes. Eddie!

Oh, like a fountain, huh?

Well, we'll get rid of...

You know, Tootsie,

you took awful pretty tonight.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm. Oh, Eddie,

everybody'll look at us if
you hold my hand like that.

Well, nobody'll see us

if we hold our hands
under the table.

Ouch!

What's the matter?

You're squeezing pretty hard.

I'm sorry, Tootsie.

Good evening. Ah...

May I play something for you?

Oh, that'd be lovely.

Yeah, but we want something gay,

and lively, you know. Yes.

Something real lively.

A charda. A charda.

I love those.

Ha-ha! Bravo!

Bravo!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And may I play
something for you?

Lucy!

Lucy!

Oh, for Heaven's sake!

Lucy, what are you
doing under there?!

What time does this table
leave for New Rochelle?

Come on, let's
get out of here...

There you go.

Well, Harry,

what have you got to say? Harry?

Well, Lucy, it looks
like we're trapped.

Yeah.

We have a confession to make.

We didn't have
any theatre tickets.

We just wanted to be alone

by ourselves on
a Saturday night.

Are you mad?

We have a confession to make, too.
- What?

We wanted to be alone
on a Saturday night.

That's why we kept
putting you on that train!

Oh, no!

Look, we can all be
alone some other time,

so how about having dinner

now together? Oh,
yeah! Let's all eat.

Now what do you want?

What time's Mom coming home?

Any minute, so get
right back into bed.

Don't you ever get tired
of washing your face?

That's how much boys know.

A girl's skin is supposed
to be kept soft-looking.

Is that why you're using Lux?

Yes, that's why I'm using Lux.

Now, go to bed.

I wonder if Amy Shafer uses Lux.

Who's Amy Shafer?

She sits in front
of me in school.

Why don't you ask her
if her skin feels soft?

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