The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 1, Episode 22 - Lucy and Viv Learn Judo - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

Who are the real-world Illuminati ?
Find out @ saveanilluminati.com

The Lucy Show is
brought to you by

the light dessert with
fresh fruit taste: Jell-O.

You'd better get to bed, Chris.

You've got to get up early.

Is Sherman in bed? Yeah.

Night, Mom. Night, Aunt Viv.

Good night, honey.
Good night, darling.

What do you got
under that bathrobe?



Nothing.

What's that bulge?

I guess I've put on
some extra weight.

I guess you've put
on some extra paws.

Oh! Now, what do you think

you're going to
do with this dog?

I promised Amy Schaeffer
I'd take good care of Alvin,

and he always sleeps
on the foot of her bed.

Well, now honey,
I'm sorry, but Alvin's

just going to have
to rough it in a box

in the kitchen for
the next few weeks.

Oh, Mom, he'll be lonely,

and he won't be able
to sleep. Now, now,

I'll read him a
bedtime story. Go on.



Sleep tight, Alvin.

Good night, honey.

Alvin?

What kind of a name
is that for a dog?

Whatever happened
to Prince and Rover?

Oh, quiet, Viv.

You'll hurt his feelings.

Lucy?

What? Listen to this.

"Police recommend
that all residents

"of the Danfield area
take extra precautions

"to guard against prowlers.

"In the past five weeks,
homes have been broken into,

and many valuable
articles stolen."

Well, we don't have
anything to worry about.

Why not?

Well, if you were a burglar,
would you take a chance

on going to jail for my
dollar ninety-eight pearls

and your Muskrat chubby?

Well, a burglar won't know
we don't have anything

until he's broken in
and begun to burgle.

Oh, I think this is
very serious, girl.

After all, we're all alone here,
just two women without a man.

You don't have to rub it in.

No, I mean without
a man to protect us.

Yeah, that's right.
But Harry's next door.

Oh, a lot of good he is.

It's just our luck
to have a pilot

for a next-door neighbor.

He's always out of town.

Yeah, well, one good thing...

We have Alvin to protect
us for the next few weeks.

That little thing?

We'd get more protection
out of my Muskrat chubby.

Hey, you know, you're right.

We don't have
any protection here.

No, we don't. I think you
ought to have the house wired

with a burglar
alarm or something.

Oh... we're just getting
all upset for nothing.

You read a little
squib in the paper,

and you start to get panicky.

After all, we've been
here five years, Viv.

We've never been
bothered by prowlers.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

We're just letting our
imagination run away with us.

Mm-hmm.

For instance, I-I just thought

I heard a noise outside
in the bushes, just now.

No kidding?

I did hear a noise
outside in the bushes.

Maybe it's the wind.

You ever hear a wind
with squeaky shoes?

I hear it now, Lucy.

This is awful.

Shh!

He's going around this way.

What do we do?

Take the flowers
out of that vase.

You mean, just because
he's our first burglar,

we're gonna give
him the flowers?

You're gonna hit
him with the vase.

I'm gonna hit him
with the vase?!

Shh!

Hide.

Hide? Hide.

What is this?

Harry! Harry!

Oh, Harry.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were in Bermuda.

Well, believe me, I wish I were.

Oh, are you hurt?

D-Did I hurt you?

I'm sorry.

Are you all right?
Oh, I'm all right.

I'm all right, but
my lump hurts.

Well, we thought
you were a prowler.

Yes, there's been a prowler
scare in the neighborhood.

Yeah, and I know
who's been scaring them.

Now, don't be funny, Harry.

This is very serious.

He's robbed a lot of homes.

It's all over the papers.
- Yeah.

I know that. That's
why I came over here,

to bring you this whistle.

Now, if you get
into any trouble,

you just blow this whistle,
and I'll come over here

faster than you can
say "Jack the Ripper."

Jack the Ripper?!

Well, a lot of help
you're gonna be.

You're even afraid
of the whistle.

Well, you won't be
blowing it right in my ear!

Just blow the whistle,
and I'll come running.

Oh, sure.

All the way from Bermuda? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's no good, Harry.

You're only home part-time.

Well, maybe you'll get lucky
and get a part-time prowler.

Oh...

Now, this is serious.

We really need
protection, Harry.

Yeah.

Hey, I've got it.

Why don't you two
take judo lessons?

Judo lessons? Yeah.

What good would that do?

We couldn't overpower
some big man with judo.

Sure you could.

Why, one of the
stewardesses took judo lessons,

and a pilot got fresh with her,

she threw him
right to the floor!

Oh. VIVIAN: I don't believe it.

Well, it's true; she
almost broke my ankle.

Oh!

Hey, you know, judo lessons
might be the answer, Viv.

Well, there's a good judo
school right here in town.

Really? Yeah.

Why don't we give it a try.

Okay, let's.

All right. Yeah.

Listen, I'll see you
kids later. I got to go.

All right. Thanks for
coming over, Harry.

Okay. And thanks
for the whistle.

Say, uh, is that my umbrella?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Remember, I returned it.

Very good.

Oh, Ed, I've got a couple women

getting ready for
their first lesson.

Would you fellas mind
sticking around to help out?

Be glad to.

Okay, good.

Let's get back to work.

Ready.

Oh, my goodness!

Won't you come in, please?

Won't you come in, please?

Oh, Hello, Mr. Sheldon.

Mrs. Carmichael, Mrs.
Bagley, how are you?

How do you do, Mr. Sheldon?

Well, shall we get started?

Uh, okay.

Well, now, I usually
teach my students

a combination of
judo and karate.

Judo and ka-what-ay?

Karate.

That's the science of open hand

and foot fighting.

Uh-huh. Oh, these
are my students,

Ed Parker and Lou Coppola.

Oh.

Oh, no.

No, not until we've
had a few lessons.

Yeah.

Well, let's show
them what can happen

after a few lessons, eh, Ed?

Now, if you ladies just
stepped over this way.

That's it.

This all part of what
we have to learn?

That's right.

All right, Ed,
anytime you're ready.

Now, you watch closely.

Yes, sir.

Oh!

Oh, m...

Oh, I'll bet that smarts!

Oh!

Well, it's all in knowing how.

I don't believe that!

Now, let's begin by
practicing movements.

Ed, would you show them, please?

How about that?

If you ladies would
stand over here.

Uh-huh. That's good.

What would we ever use that for?

What-what's that?

Would you ladies try it, please?

Oh, yes.

Do that again, please.

Ow!

Oh!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Viv.

All right.

Now, let's loosen up the legs.

Yes, sir.

You'd be surprised how
much you can do by kicking.

Oh, kicking.

Ooh.

Ooh!

Oh.

Oh.

All right, ladies.

All right.

All right.

Now... let's try

a few combination moves.

Combination moves?

Combination moves.
Combination moves.

Just watch them both.

Uh, Mr. Sheldon,

why do they go...

Why all that yelling?

Well, when you yell, it
strengthens the body muscles.

It also scares the daylights
out of your opponent.

Yeah.

Oh.

Could I see that again?

Right.

Now you're...

That's it.

Hey, this is kind of fun!

Yeah!

It's kind of like an Indian
tribal dance, isn't it?

Yeah.

I don't know about the prowlers,

but we're liable
to make it rain.

Ladies.

Ladies, please!

What?

Now, I'd like to show you
how to defend yourselves.

Yes, sir.

Now, Ed is a prowler,
and you're in the kitchen,

and he sneaks in through
the door and grabs you!

Oh.

Now, what would you do?

I don't know.

That's what I came to find out.

Well, your first
instinct would be

to scream as soon
as he grabbed you.

No, I'd scream the minute he
came through the kitchen door.

All right, go ahead, scream.

Oh, boy, have you
got strong thumbs!

You'd be terrific
at tiddlywinks.

Now I'll show you

what you should do.

Put your palms
together like this.

Why? And pray he goes away?

Then quickly, you move
your hands and your arms

between his arms,
breaking his hold!

Breaking his hold!

And now you chop
down on the neck!

Chop down on the neck!

That'll do it, huh?

That'll do it.

You ready?

All right, go!

How about that?!

Hey, you did it!

That's one prowler that'll never
darken our kitchen door again.

All right, Ed, you
can get up now.

Did I hurt you, Ed?

You all right?

Fine.

That was very good.

Say, that's something.

Now, we'll show you
the handshake throw.

The handshake throw?

The handshake throw.

Now, when he reaches
out to shake your hand,

you grab him by the
forearm, turn your back,

drop down on the right knee,
and throw him over your shoulder.

You're kidding.

Try it.

Go ahead, try it.

Shake, shake... Start
to shake his hand,

and grab him by the forearm,

turn around fast and
drop on the right knee.

Right.

And throw him
over your shoulder.

Yeah.

I don't want to hurt him.

Oh, I did it!

I did it!

How about that?!

Oh, you're doing great, girl.

Yeah.

Now, Mrs. Bagley,
would you like to try it?

Go ahead. Get up, Ed.

Go ahead, try it. Aw, come on.

Come on, shake hands with
my friend. Go right ahead.

Go ahead, grab him by the...

Yeah, your right hand.
Pretend to shake hands.

Like he's a prowler.
Shake hands.

And then turn and
drop on the right knee.

Oh, sure. Yeah, go ahead.

All righty. It really works.

Oh, you did it!

You did it! I did it! I did it!

You see? You're great.

Thank you.

There's just one
thing. What's that?

How often will we meet a
prowler that wants to shake hands?

Yeah, you're right.

Okay, Ed. You can get up now.

Thanks, Ed.

Now, ladies, would you come
over here, please. Uh-huh.

Now, there's another
good defense,

and it's called the
"spin-and-trip hold."

Now, a prowler
walks in the door,

you chop to the
back of the neck,

you grab him by the forearm,

spin him around two
times, and then trip him.

How was that again?

Suppose we let
the boys show you.

What do you call this?

The "spin-and-trip
hold." "Spin-and-trip hold."

All right, boys,
anytime you're ready.

What's he... the
prowler? He's the prowler.

Boy, could I have used that
when I was married to Ralph.

That's a wild one.

Mrs. Carmichael,
would you like to try it?

No.

Oh, come on. If
you do it, I'll do it.

All right. All
right, Ed, get up.

Ready?

Get into position.

Now, he's the prowler, he
comes in the kitchen door,

and I chop-chop, chop...

Chop, chop.

And then I spin
around, trip... Oh, boy.

All right, come on.

Ouch!

Mrs. Carmichael,
Mrs. Carmichael,

you can let go now.

I'm going to make
him say "Uncle."

Say "Uncle."

Say "Uncle"!

Ahh!

I guess that's how you
say "Uncle" in karate.

All right, Ed, you
can get up now.

How about that?
Thanks a lot, fellas.

I did pretty good, huh?
Thank you very much.

I'll see you in the morning.
Yeah, thanks, fellas.

Thank you. Thank you.

So long, boys.

You're welcome. So long. Bye.

Oh, they're wild.

Wow.

Now, I'd like to
explain a few other...

Oh, excuse me.

You two can practice
while I'm gone, huh? Okay.

What do you want to practice?

Oh, anything. Let's practice.

Well, let's uh, let's start
right at the beginning.

Well, one of us has to
grab the other sometime.

Okay, start something.

All right, let's, uh, let's
do the "spin-and-trip hold."

You know where I spin you around
and trip you and all that. All right.

Okay, now...

Ready? Go.

Wait a minute, I'm spinning you.

No, I'm spinning you.

No, Viv, I'm spinning you.

No, I want to spin you.
Viv, I'm spinning you.

I don't want to practice
that one anymore anyway.

All right, let's do the
"handshake throw."

All righty.

Oh, boy.

Handshake throw. Now, let's see.

Okay, I'm going to throw you.

Oh, no you're not.
I'm going to throw you.

Oh, Viv, for heaven's
sake. I want to throw you.

I did it better than you. We practiced
it that way. I'm going to throw you.

You know something, Viv?

Maybe we're such good friends,
we shouldn't try this one. Okay.

I think we'd just
better forget all about it.

Nobody throws
anybody. Agreed? Agreed.

Put 'er there, pal.

That's a sneaky thing to do.

Well, you're not
playing fair either.

You're supposed to be
sailing through the air by now.

Will you let go of my arm?

Lucy.

Are you nailed to the
floor or something?

Well, how's it going?

We hit a snag.

Well, I think you've had
enough for one day anyway.

Now, I'll see you on Wednesday,

and meanwhile I'll give
you a few of my booklets

which you can study.

All right. If you'll just come
into the office, please?

Ahh! Oh!

Aw! Aw!

Oh! Aw!

Ooh!

Oh, whoa, whoa!

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi.

Come here.

My goodness, what happened?

I got clobbered.

Who clobbered you?

Nobody.

Nobody?

I'm no squealer.

Come on now, Jerry,
tell me who hit you.

I don't dare. Why not?

Because if the person
who hit me finds out I told,

I'll have two of these.

Oh, my goodness.

Who gave you that shiner?

He's not talking.

Apparently, it's the
code of the playground.

Oh, I'm afraid you're going
to have quite an eye there.

Yeah, I think it's
going to be a beaut.

It was probably some big bully.

It's just a shame the way
bigger boys go around

picking on the littler ones.

Yeah.

Hi, Sherman.

I suppose you tattled and told
everybody I gave you the shiner.

I didn't open my mouth!

So you're the big bully.

Now just a minute.

Before we start calling someone
a bully, let's know the facts.

I'm sure that if
Sherman hit Jerry,

he must have had a
perfectly good reason.

I did.

I bought a brand-new whistle

to call Alvin with,
and Jerry grabbed it.

Amy gave Alvin to me, not you.

But it's my whistle, I
spent 39 cents for it.

Is that any reason to hit
a little boy half your size?

Now, don't blame Sherman

just because you happen
to have a short son.

Short?!

He happens to be two
years younger than Sherman.

People don't go around hitting
people smaller than they are.

They do if the smaller people
go around pestering them.

Jerome, would you
go to your room, dear?

I'd like to talk to
Sherman's mother alone.

Sherman, darling, would
you go to your room, too.

Id' like to talk to
Jerry's mother alone.

What are you waiting for, Jerry?

We have the same room.

So?

He'll clobber me again.

Well, go to the kitchen and
put a cold cloth on your eye.

Here's your old whistle.

Who wants to call your old dog?

Well, I must say, Viv,
it seems very odd to me

that your son gave my
son a terrible black eye,

and you're not even sorry.

Jerry should be
grateful to Sherman.

Grateful? Yes.

Actually, he taught him
a very valuable lesson.

He'll have to learn now,
that as he goes through life,

if he's going to pester people,
he's going to run into people

who are bigger than he, and
they'll give him a black eye.

Well, if you don't mind, dear,

I'll give my son all
the lessons he needs.

I'm afraid you and Sherman

have been fighting
over nothing, honey.

This whistle's broken.

No, it isn't, Mom.

It makes a sound
only dogs can hear.

Oh, really?

Hey, you're right.

Well, it really works.

Alvin, you sure
have got good ears.

Mom? What, honey?

Will Sherman ever
shrink down to my size?

I don't think so, dear.

I guess I'll never
be able to get even.

Hey, wait a minute.

Maybe you will.

Just maybe you will.

I might be able to
give you a few pointers.

Now, Sherman, you
know how I hate for you

to come home after dark.

Wait a minute.

What happened to your nose?

Nothing. I just skinned it.

How did you skin it?

I fell on the school yard.

Were you fighting?

Do I have to tell?

Yes, Sherman. Come on now.

You have to tell
me all about it.

Who were you
fighting with? Nobody.

I went to shake hands
with Jerry to make up,

and the next thing I knew,
he threw me over his shoulder.

Lucille?!

Now, Mom, please.

You just leave this to me.

Yeah, Viv?

What, honey?

Hey, what happened to you?

Sherman, you go right
on up to your room, darling.

What happened to him?

Lucy, have you been
teaching Jerry judo?

Yes, I have.

Well, that was a
terrible thing to do.

Sherman should be grateful.

Grateful?

Jerry taught Sherman
a valuable lesson.

He might as well learn right now

that if he's going to go
through life bullying people,

he's going to meet people
who are smaller and sneakier

than he is and that are capable
of giving him a bloody nose.

Any woman who
would teach her son judo

so he could use it on
another boy is not a mother.

She's a monster.

Is that so?

It's not my fault if Sherman
inherited your mean streak.

You take that back.

I will not take it back.

You take back
what you said to me.

Nothing doing.

You apologize. You apologize.

You apologize.

Well, all right, Viv.

I shouldn't have said that.

I apologize.

Put her there, pal.

Now, that's more like it.

Oh, no, you don't.

No, you don't.

Viv! What?

I see something out
there in the bushes.

Oh, that's just another one of
your crummy tricks. No, really, Viv.

I'm serious.

There's somebody out there.

There really is
somebody out there?

Harry's whistle.
Get Harry's whistle.

Where'd you put it? Right here.

Come on, blow it, blow it.

Blow it!

Oh, this is a dog whistle.

Where's Harry's
whistle? I don't know.

Hide.

He's coming around that way.

There he is!

You got him.

I got him. Yeah.

Lucy! Viv!

Harry?! Harry!

That's Harry.

Oh, honestly, Harry.

Oh, my.

What'll we do with all of them?

Help other users to choose the best subtitles