The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 3, Episode 28 - No Girls for Doc/Marriage of Convenience/The Caller/The Witness - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard it's love ♪

(theme music playing)


Oh, sorry. I didn't
mean to startle you.

It's not your fault.
I'm a little nervous.

How soon does the boat leave?

I'm anxious to put some distance
between me and my telephone.

Your telephone?

I know. It sounds
a little weird.

For the last three months, I've
had this mystery phone caller.

Oh, I know the type,
heavy breathing, sexy.

No, no. Actually,
he's very polite.

What's so scary is that he
seems to know my every move.

He called me everywhere.

Well, that must have been awful.

That's why I need this vacation.

- Yeah.
- I'm Gale Padgett.

Oh, hello, Gale. How do you do?

- I'm Julie McCoy.
- Hi.

Let me see. Oh, yes.

You're on the Promenade
Deck, cabin 350.

And you're in luck.

That's one of our
unlisted cabins.



Oh, excuse me. Do
you need any help?


I think I can handle
this all by myself.

There you go. Welcome aboard.


My name is Wayne Dobson.

This is Pat Bigelow.

GOPHER: Ah, Dobson and Bigelow.

You have adjoining cabins on
the Promenade Deck, 101 and 102.

That's right.

I hope they're a long ways
away from the other passengers.

Well, at the moment,
we're booked up,

but if it's possible, we'll
try to accommodate you.

That would be
great. I'd appreciate it.

It's a matter of life and death.


(suspenseful music playing)

(theme music playing)

Could this be our great
and noble physician?

I don't want to talk about it.


You wouldn't believe it anyway.

All right. I was at a party,
and this little trollop says,

"Hey, let's go skinny
dipping in the ocean."

Excuse me. I'm
only 12 years old.

And then after I
got in the water,

she ran off with my clothes,
my wallet, everything.

Mugged by a five-foot blonde.

Uh, Doc. Where did you get this?

Oh, some
understanding fisherman.

It taught me one thing, though.

I have had it with
fooling around.

Oh, get out of here.

You'll be back chasing
women before the cruise is over.

- Oh yeah?
- (both) Yeah.

You care to put up a
little money on that?

Are you saying you'll
have absolutely nothing

to do with women on this cruise?

Cold turkey.

GOPHER: Okay. You got a bet.

But the loser has to spring
for a big night on the town

for us all when we get back.

It's a deal. Okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

(sexy music playing)

Go way, strumpets,
trollops and hussies.

(theme music playing)

Now, about this dinner Doc
is going to be buying us...

- Excuse me.
- Yes.

Has a Mrs. Agatha
Winslow checked in yet?

I'm traveling with her.

Not yet, Mr. Winslow, no.

Oh, I'm not Mr. Winslow.

My name is Scott Burgess.

Well, this isn't any place
for a 12-year-old either.

Excuse me.

Which is the Promenade Deck?

Oh, this is it.


We're the Dales,
Beatrice and Hollister,

but we're not married.

He's my brother.

Didn't want you thinking
the wrong things about us.

(all laughing)

(theme music playing)



Oh... How are you?

Oh, fine. Just fine.

It's so great to see
you after so many years.

Thank you.

Are you still Agatha
Winslow or did you remarry?

No, it's still Winslow.

Still the merry widow
or moderately merry.

Excuse me, sir. The
weather advisory.

- Oh, thank you.
- You're busy.

We'll catch up later.

Starting with dinner
at my table tonight.

Good. I look forward to that.

That lady I was just
talking to is Mrs. Winslow.

She's the widow of a
Captain I sailed under.

So anything you can do
to help her meet someone.

I may not have to, sir. I
think she brought her own.

(theme music
playing) (horn blowing)

(knock on door)


Ah... I'm all set.

Are you coming up
on deck with me?

Well, I have to,
Pat. It's my job.

I can't let you out of my sight.

Look, we've been locked in a
hotel room for over two months.

We were put on this cruise
so no one would find me.

Okay, Wayne.
We're safely at sea.

Yeah, but what
if you're followed.

We took the bus,
two taxis, a camper,

a limousine and
a sanitation truck.

James Bond couldn't
have followed us.

The trial comes up next week.

I mean, you're the only
witness we have for the robbery.

Now, I can't let
anything happen to you.

Pat, I mean... You'll be
rid of me in seven days.


Excuse me.


(theme music playing)

(sexy music playing)


That must be some
book he's reading.

Double whammy.

Get ready to
collect on all bets.

Good morning.

I don't believe it.

All that merchandise, and
he's not even shopping?

I think maybe I'd better
bring the marketplace to him.

(phone ringing)

Lido bar. I'll see.

Is there a Miss Padgett here?

- Right here.
- Oh, it's for you.


Hello. Yes, this is she.


From where are you calling?

You can't be.



He's on the boat.

- Merrill.
- Yes.

I want you to meet
Scott Burgess.

He's a minister. That's
a rare bird in our family.

Your family?

Yes. He's my nephew.


Oh, Merrill.

That's the most complimentary
pause I ever heard.

I'm his housekeeper.

Well, I apologize. I
should have known.

I mean, after all, you did say
you were moderately married.

(chuckles) Well,
there are the Dales.

I must go and speak to them.

They helped to arrange this
cruise to celebrate ten years

of being their pastor.

That's very nice.

Oh, here we are.

I wouldn't accept unless
Agatha was included.

She's absolutely
indispensable. I love her.

Yeah, what a fine ship.

Did you notice the
carpet in the lobby?

All three-quarters hand sewn.

Hollister, forget
the rug business.

You're on vacation.


Say, why don't we all
have a glass of wine, huh?

That's fine.

Not for me, thank you.

Well, I guess it's just
you and me, Aggie.

Dear, Hollister.

You know he'd do just
about anything for you.

Well, I wish he'd start
by not calling me Aggie.

(soft music playing)

I know he has marriage
right on the tip of his tongue.

You might very well consider.


But I'm not in
love with Hollister.

Love? Come now, Agatha.

Personally, I'd be thrilled as
ever for warm companionship.

I'd want to love a
man as I did before.

Tenderly, intently,
even passionately.

Agatha, remember your age.

What is age to do with it? I
still have the same emotions.

I still want it all, and I
don't see any reason

why I should settle for less.

I can think of a reason
and a very good one.

Scott Burgess.

- Scott?
- Open your eyes, dear.

Scott is young.

He needs a wife, but
he'd never bring one home

as long as you're there.

He knows you'd insist
on leaving to go off

to some lonely existence.

He could never be party to that.

But I'd never stand in the
way of his getting married.

Just your being
there prevents it.

Why do you think he insisted
on your coming on this cruise?

Because he knew
Hollister would be along.

That poor young man is
just hoping and praying

this will bring
you two together.

Ah, here we are.

Well, here's looking
at you, Aggie.

(theme music playing)

Boy did you guys pick
a great place to work.

Look at these women.

Do you get paid
for a job like this?

Actually, we pay them.


- Ah now.
- What?

GOPHER: There is a real winner.

You mean Gale?

You already know her?

Uh, not exactly, but I did
manage to overhear her name

when she was talking to Julie.

Gale Padgett.

Are you sure it was him?


And he said he's been
looking forward to our vacation

for six weeks.

Julie, I booked this cruise
exactly six weeks ago.

Oh, then it must be
someone on board.


But who?

(suspenseful music playing)

(theme music playing)

Can't you leave me
out here by myself?



If I wasn't out here
and you got shot,

I'd have a big problem.

Not as big as mine.

Hmm, I see your point.

How do I make you understand?

You're the only person I've
talked to in over two months.

And I'd really like to meet
some new people except with you

sitting here, no one's
going to come close to me.

Would it be better if I moved
on the other side of the deck?

Thanks, Wayne.

Glad to help out.

And in return, I'll try
not to get myself shot.

I'd appreciate that.

Oh, hi. Mr. Dobson.

Oh hi, Isaac.

Can I get you
something to drink?

Yeah. Two Mai-tais, please.


Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm always used to
ordering for Pat and me.

What she doing way over there?

Well, she just wanted to
spend a little time by herself.

See, for the past two months,
we've been locked up in a hotel

together day and night.

I'm afraid to ask
the next question.

Oh no. This is part of my job.

That's your job?

Listen, what do you do
and how can I get in on it?

You know, I'm assistant DA.

See, she's the only witness
we have for a robbery.

I'm guarding her.

My mother was right.

She always said I would
enjoy being a lawyer.

She's the only witness
I've ever fallen in love with.

WAYNE: Believe me,
they're not all like her.

You mean old Cupid struck
at that little hotel room?

Well, unfortunately,
he only hit me,

but as long as
we're stuck together,

I guess I can still have hope.

(theme music playing)


Looks like you got competition.

(clears throat)

Uh, excuse me.

Is this seat taken?


But this one isn't.

Well, lucky for me.

With such an attraction,

I expected them
all to be sold out.

Who is he?

Oh, that's Mark Bridges.

He's a regular on the Love Boat.

Smooth, a real ladies man.

(Pat giggles)

If I was you, I'd break that up.

I can only do that in the
case of an emergency.

Well, looks like
you got one to me.

All right. Then it's a date.

- Yeah.
- Dinner tonight.



Oh, I almost forgot why
I was looking for you.

- Cablegram.
- Oh, thank you, Isaac.

Maybe you're right
about that Mark Bridges.

You probably don't
have to worry about that

because you can always use
your position and break it up.

Uh, I don't have to
worry about that anymore.

Suspects have
decided to plead guilty.

Release Ms. Bigelow
from protective custody.

(somber music playing)

Mr. Dobson, I got an idea.

Suppose you never
got this cablegram?

What we got to do is change you.

ISAAC: Attitude,
wardrobe, everything.

(theme music playing)

It's a shame you gave up women.

All this training wasted.

We were going to enter
you in the Olympics.

That's all behind me now.

I'm determined.

I'm a man of steel.

Oh, of course you are.

I only wish I can get a
piece of Gopher's bet.


Would the good skipper
consider a separate wager?

Uh, I'm against betting
on moral grounds,

unless of course
it's a sure thing.

What'“ we bet?

How about a custom
made dress uniform?

Steep, but I'm sure
you can afford it.

GOPHER: Okay, ladies, ladies
please now, control yourselves.

Control yourselves.

Well, hi, Doc.

Gosh, I didn't
know you'd be here.

Oh, hello.

Okay, girls. Run
along. I'll join you.

(theme music playing)

No, thanks.

Come on, Doc.

You can't tell me
you're not interested?

Oh yes, I can, because I'm not.

They don't affect
me in the slightest.

(theme music playing)

(theme music playing)


Must be an
interesting assignment,

working on a cruise ship.

It is.

Love's in bloom
everywhere you look.

Even your aunt is getting
into the swing of things.


Believe me, that's no romance.

He's just an old friend, and
very definitely not her type.

I think I'll have to tease
her a little bit about this.

Ah, here with Bea.

Ooh, that looks good.

It is delicious.

Oh, there's plenty to do
aboard. Games and all that.

Would you like a brochure?

Thank you, Hollister.

My pleasure, Aggie.


Have you seen Scott?

Here he comes now.

And alone.

All these pretty girls, and...

Beatrice, I've been
thinking about what you said,

and I really don't believe

he's trying to match
me with Hollister.

Good afternoon, ladies.

I'm certainly glad, Beatrice,
you came along to chaperone

this wild one.

She and your brother
are the talk of the ship.

Oh, Scott.

Luckily, I came prepared.

I brought a whole suitcase
full of old shoes and rice

and naturally as family,
you'll get a 20 percent discount

for my services on the wedding.

(awkward laugh)

He's just joking.

Many a truth is said in jest.

I signed up you and
Hollister for the sightseeing trip

to Cabo San Lucas tomorrow.

The sooner it
happens the better...

for everyone.

Maybe I should rip out the phone

to stop those stupid calls.

If there was only some way.

(phone ringing)

Ah, you want me to get that?


Yes, I know who this is.

Saw me on deck?

Liked my bathing suit.


You want to meet me tonight?

Well, maybe it is time
we met, got acquainted.

Let's say eight 'clock
Pirate's Cove Bar.


I'm looking
forward to it myself.

(theme music playing)

Why did you do that?

Because I'm going to teach
him a lesson he'll never forget.

(theme music playing)

(knock on door)

It's open, Wayne.

You look lovely.

Thank you.

I never seen you
dressed up before.

You look great.

Your date's a
pretty lucky fellow.

Uh, the two of us will
be watching you tonight.

Two of you?

You're not going
to be hanging...

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't like
it any better than you do,

but it's my job.

Well, you can watch
me from a distance.

Oh, I don't know, Pat. I mean...

Look, Wayne, it's going to
be very hard for this guy to get

romantic with you
hanging over my shoulder.

Now if I need
your help, I'll yell.


Okay, uh, maybe I'd better let
you get your big date started.

- Get back, get back.
- What?

- Somebody out there.
- Oh, are you sure?


(theme music playing)

He's still there.

He looks awfully mean.

Maybe we better
cancel the dinner tonight.


I mean, if they're
out there on the boat,

I mean I can't let
you go by yourself.

Perhaps we could have
a nice quiet dinner in here.

We'll order room service.

Dinner here? What a great idea.

We call Isaac.

And I'll call Mark, and I'll
just invite him down here.

We can order some champagne.

- Mark?
- Sure.

You'll be in the next
room. I'll be perfectly safe.


Look, I'd love to
go out to dinner,

but I don't have much choice.

And with you next
door, I'll be fine.

How will I know if you need it?

Like I said, I'll yell.

But with Mark here, I don't
think I'll be wanting any help.

Yes, operator.

Would you connect me to
Mark Bridge's room? He...

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Maybe there's another way.

I know how much it means
to you to go out tonight,

and I'm more than willing to
let you go on one condition.


(theme music playing)

(knock on door)

Why, Bea.

Aren't you going down to dinner?

I'm just going to have
a tray in my room.

I got too much sun today.

Oh, sorry to hear about that.

Anyway, give you and
Agatha a chance to be together.

I also booked you two up for
the sightseeing tour tomorrow.

Probably will see nothing but

a lot of those
terrible tile floors.

You and Agatha need
more time together.

You ought to be thinking
in terms of proposing

before this cruise is over.

I don't want to seem pushy.

It's a very sensible
step for everyone.

Agatha can take over for me,
and manage your home quite well.

We“, What'“ you do?

Oh, I'll miss you of
course, but I'll manage.

Still, I don't know.

Marriage? (chuckles)

- At my age.
- Age is no barrier to love.

Agatha said so herself.

She also said she was
still a woman of emotions...

and passions.


You go on.

I'll be fine.


(theme music playing)

(lounge music playing)

ISAAC: And a Chablis.

Hey, hey, let's go to dinner.


Be right with you.

Is anything the matter?

This tuxedo, I borrowed it.

The pants are a little small.

I think they're big enough now.

What am I going to do?

- We'|| get you out.
- Yeah.


(lounge music playing)

(clears throat)
Hi, Gale Padgett.

To be even, I guess I'd
better tell you my name.

(clears throat) I'm
Robert Redford.

No, no. I'm Jack Standard.

I was watching
you on deck earlier,

and I was trying to figure out
a way of introducing myself.

(clears throat) Well,
finally, here we are.

Uh, yes.

Here we are.


Do you have, uh,
plans for dinner?


- Oh.
- I plan to have dinner with you.

- You do?
- Um-hmm.

A private little dinner
down in my cabin...

if that's all right.

You're not the
bashful type, are you?

Shall we say, uh,

Sounds very promising.

(Gale giggles)

It'll be a dinner
you'll never forget.

(romantic music playing)

(lounge music playing)

Oh, Julie.

Would you put my
aunt and me on the list

for tomorrow's sightseeing tour?

Oh, she's already signed
up. She and Mr. Dale.

She signed up to go with him?

Yes, but they're
still plenty of room

if you'd like to go with them.

No, I guess not. Thank you.

Is there anything wrong?

Uh, mostly me.

Good evening, everyone.

Evening, Scott.

Don't you look elegant.

She sure does.

I feel elegant too, being
invited to the Captain's table.

My pleasure.

Nothing's too good for Aggie.

HOLLISTER: I'll get it.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Is something wrong?

That seam isn't hand sewn.

It's just heat tape.

No way to treat a carpet.

And they're in these
new-fangled metric widths.

Won't Beatrice be joining us?

No, she's resting.

She got a little too
much sun today.

Oh, that's too bad.

I guess that leaves you
two on your own tonight.

So, Doc.

Still alone, huh?

Well, I got to hand it to you,

spending a whole day
without any women.

Oh, that.

I don't even miss it.

Well, then I guess we can expect
you for the Poker game later.

No. I think I'll
skip it this time.

I want to finish that
book I'm reading

on cardiovascular research.

Fascinating. Good evening.

Finish a book?

When he leaves, I think
we should follow him.

Are you saying that Doc
would meet a girl on the side,

have a wild time,
not tell us about it

and still collect on the bet?

When he leaves, we follow him.

(theme music playing)

(soft music playing)

- Hi, there.
- Hi.

I believe I had a reservation.

Yes. That was
for two, wasn't it?


Couldn't think of
a nicer number.



I must say the service
is very nice here.

I certainly didn't
expect all this.

Only the beginning.

(clears throat) Um,
you do this often?

Only on very special occasions.

(cork pops)

I'm so sorry.

It's all right. It was a
little warm in here anyway.

Look, why don't I just zip
down to my cabin and change?

But why bother?

Why don't you duck
into the bathroom

and hand me your clothes,
and I'll call the valet?

But I probably won't get
them back before morning.

Well, I'm willing
to wait if you are.

I like the way you think.

There's a robe in the bathroom.

Won't it be a little snug?

Well, if it's too snug we'll
just have to get you out of it,

won't we?

Yes. Yeah.

(playful music playing)

Lady, you run a
crazy restaurant.

Hmm, I love the menu.


JACK: Listen, maybe
we don't need the valet.

They'll probably
dry by themselves.

No, I don't think so.

You got to be
kidding with this robe.

Hey, hey, hey! What do you
think that is, a washing machine?

I wish I could throw
you out with them.

Maybe this will teach
you to stop humiliating me.

How have I...?

Tormenting me
with your stupid calls.

Stupid calls? What
are you talking about?

(phone ringing)

That is what I'm talking
about. You've got to stop!


You're waiting
for me in the bar?

You can't be. You're here.

Uh, I... I can't talk now.

Call me back later.
No. Don't call me!

Lady, lady just
stay away from me.

- No, no.
- I had no idea.

Just stay away!

You are bananas.

(theme music playing)

(theme music playing)

That was a delicious dinner.

Oh, thank you.

As I was just saying, Captain.

Most people today are goofy.

They put stone
floors in their houses.

Stone! Cold, damp. Awful.


Hollister says he'll
furnish our new

Sunday School carpeting at cost.

Oh, well perhaps you
could give me some advice,

uh, I need a new
rug for my office.

What'd you have in mind?

Well, I'm not quite sure.

My daughter, Vicki, keeps
saying the way I spill my coffee,

it should be coffee colored.

Wait a minute.

Spilling coffee on
your rug is no joke.

Makes a terrible stain,

especially if you
use cream in it.

What time do we get to
Cabo San Lucas tomorrow?

probably put a lot of water on it.

Most people make that mistake.

Water only brings up the
dye color from the backing

and you can't get that out.

That's really interesting,
isn't it, Agatha?

Yes, very.

If you'll excuse me?

I'll just go and get some
sun lotion for Beatrice

before the shop closes.

Be right back. Tada.

Please, excuse me. I'd
better get back to my duties.

Excuse me. I have homework.

Hollister is quite a man.

Worked hard, built
up his own company.

He's certainly been
generous with the church.

Yes, has a lot
of fine qualities.

SCOTT: He certainly does.

His heart is in the right place.

Then I guess you
already know that.

I'm spending tomorrow with him.

Guess we'll be trotting
around town together.

I expect he'd like to look
at some Mexican carpeting.


If you'd like to come with us...

Oh, thanks, but you
know, two is company.

(theme music playing)

The first minute I saw you
I knew deep down inside

that our chemistry was the same.

(Wayne laughing)

Oh, sorry. I just thought
of something funny.

Who is he?

I really can't explain,
but just ignore him.

We'd be so good together.

A Leo, a Taurus.

Pass the cream, please.

You're so beautiful.

Thank you.

Pat, I've never said
this to a woman before.

Pass the sugar, please.

All right. That's it!

It's been a lovely romantic
evening with the two of you,

but I'm leaving.

I hope you find a fella
you can both be happy with!

Good night.

How could you?

I had to.

I can't drink my
coffee without sugar.

Don't you ever
speak to me again!

(dramatic music playing)

(theme music playing)

Well, you did the
right thing to call me.

Sunburns can be serious.

Oh, but I hate to
disturb your evening.

No. I had no plans at all.

Just a book to finish.

He's supposed to
be reading, huh?


I'll bet you he's right in
the middle of a rendezvous.

Come on. Let's ease in
and see if we won our dinner.


DOC: You know, when I saw
you on deck this afternoon,

I had an idea this might happen.

Oh, you must think me
a very foolish woman.

No, no.

Don't feel guilty.

Oh, it feels so good.

DOC: Um-hmm.

We mustn't forget the
neck, a very sensitive area.


I wonder which
chick finally got Doc?

She must really be something.


DOC: Hmm.

BEATRICE: Oh, dear.

You have such gentle hands.

- DOC: Hmm.

- Hmm.
- Oh.

Thank you, doctor.

I'll stay out of the
sun from now on.

You gentlemen
here for treatment?

- I have this little cut.
- It's my back.

You seemed to be fine a
half hour ago when I left you.

These things strike
fast in the tropics.

I'm afraid what you both have
is a nasty suspicious mind.

Face it, gents, you're
dealing with a man of steel.

And when we get
back to Los Angeles,

it's going to cost you a bundle.

(theme music playing)

JULIE ON P.A.: We hope you enjoy
your day here in Cabo San Lucas

as much as this school
of porpoises frolicking

off the Starboard
side of our ship.

Land tours will be leaving
from the Coral Deck gangway

in ten minutes.

You going ashore?

Maybe later.

It must be tough
being a minister.

You have to be so
good all the time.

Well, there are advantages.

I get to go to a
lot of weddings.

That's right.

And you probably know
the answer to something

that's been bothering me.

How can anyone tell
when they're really in love?


I'm afraid it might happen to
me, and I wouldn't even know it.

You're speaking
about marrying love,

that's one of the better kinds.

Don't worry. You'll
know when it happens.

You'll feel it all
over, deep down.

You'll tingle from head to toe.

Even your toes tingle?

Especially your toes.


We're going to take a look-see
at some of these Mexican rugs.

I hear they make them
without any backings.


- Come on, Aggie.
- Have a good time.

Ah, it'll be wonderful.

Another nice thing about love.

It can happen to
anybody at any age.

You mean...?

It sure looks that way.

(theme music playing)

- Doc.
- Yes.

I think we should
call off this bet.

- Oh?
- For your sake.


Well, I'm just afraid that the
pressure inside you is going to

build up and then
(explosion sound)

Take the whole
ship and everything.

Gopher, I'm a
student of the body.

I know how to
fight these things.

If the urges build, I
suppress them with exercise.

I simply jump rope until
the feeling goes away.

You jump rope?

If I need to, but I won't.

My mind's in total control.



Is he still the man of steel?


Guess who came aboard
in Cabo this morning?


Trudy Harbord.


The girl from the
Caribbean cruise?

CAPTAIN: Uh-huh.

The one that Doc went ape over?

He spent an entire month's
salary on her... in flowers.

CAPTAIN: Uh-huh.

Where is she?

(sexy music playing)

GOPHER: Oh, yeah.

That's Trudy, all right.

CAPTAIN: Very sad.


The poor child.

Doesn't look too healthy.


Awful, run down.

Maybe you ought to
take her to see the doctor.

(sexy music playing)

(theme music playing)

What happened?

Uh, I guess the new
me out did himself.

I'm just not cut out
to be anyone else.

You're wrong.

You got to have more
confidence in yourself.

I have confidence in you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You're the only one.

Pat doesn't even know I'm alive.

Excuse me.

Uh, can I get you another?

Uh, no thanks.

You want to talk?

If anyone ever asks
you to be witness, run.

Your life is over.

You'll never see or talk to
another human being ever.

Oh, I don't think so.

It can't be that terrible.

You've had his full
attention for over two months.

Well, that's his job.

In his case, I think
the attention went

well beyond the line of duty.

One thing about
being a bartender is

you become a
watcher, a listener,

and advisor, even a
part-time psychiatrist.


You really get to know people.

And I suggest you
take another look.

(theme music playing)

Do you really think so?

Listen to the doctor.

I will have another.

- Coming up.
- Okay, thanks.

You can go home now.


Thanks, Isaac.

(clears throat)



How come you're forgiving me?

Doctor's orders.


Trudy, I really appreciate this.

Oh, this is going to be fun.

Doc's not interested in women?

I've got to see this for myself.

Just take those pills and get
back to me in the morning, huh?

Trudy, isn't it?

Back with us again.

- You want to see me?
- Oh no, she was first.

No hurry.


Uh, this way, please.

(playful music playing)

Well, uh, what seems
to be the problem?

Uh, I've been having
these chest pains.

Chest pains?


You know, I don't...

When do you get these pains?

When I take a deep
breath, like this.

Oh, oh.

I see.


He told me to take an aspirin.

That's it? That's
all that happened?

You mean, he resisted... you?

I guess he is a man of steel.

(music playing)

(theme music playing)

I must have been
great to be around.

Always unhappy,
always complaining.

And those were your good points.

Why didn't you say something?

I guess I was afraid to.

I mean, when a
girl looks like you,

all a guy can do is hope.

Besides, Isaac
obviously did a better job.

(romantic music playing)

For the first time,

I'm really glad to be
in protective custody.

What a great way
to start a relationship.

The nice thing is, we can't
get away from each other.

I hope this case
drags on forever.

And when the case is over,
you still want to see me?

I want to keep seeing
you for a long time.


I guess I did the
right thing then.


This came the first day.

They're pleading
guilty. The case is over.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, if I had, we wouldn't
be standing here right now.

So all worked out well.

How could you do this to me?

I told you if I had
told you about this...

You mean last night with Mark,

there was no reason
for you to be there.

And there was no one in
the corridor either was there?

Guilty, but I told you if I...

Don't you touch me!

Don't come near me,

and don't you ever
speak to me again, Wayne.

And this time, I mean it!

(theme music playing)

Now listen.

I owe you a tuxedo
and like it or not,

I'm going to get you one.

- Come on.

(soft music playing)

Oh, you're not
closing yet, are you?

No. I'm opening up for tomorrow.

I hate to wait until
the last minute.

My, but you do need
clothes, don't you?

GALE: Please, I just
want to buy him a tuxedo.

- JACK: Look, you really don't...
- She wasn't talking to you.

Oh, he is a 42 lovely.

Let me show you a tux.

- And a shirt.
- Look, uh...

Look, sometime when
you're not using them,

I wonder if I could
borrow your shoulders.

I say we forget
about the whole thing.

No. I'm going to
replace your clothes

and maybe then
you'll believe me.

Please, the tux.

Black or blue?

Blue is just fine...
drip dry if you have it.

(phone ringing)

He... (clears throat) Hello.

This is Pierre.

Are you Gale Padgett?

- Yeah.
- A call for you, a man.

If you want to buy him
a tux, tell him to hurry

because I close in five minutes.


You. How did you
know I was here?

Stop calling me!

Gale, what's the matter?

The fellow I was talking
about, my phantom caller.

He's still out there.

(dramatic music playing)

(theme music playing)

Well, Agatha, if
that's what you want,

I wish you the best.

Thank you, Merrill.

It isn't official, but it
won't be long now.

Mr. Dale seems
to be a nice sort.

Go ahead and say it, Merrill.

He's sure no Dan Winslow.

(chuckles) Am I too obvious?

Well, I have to be realistic.

There will never be
another husband like Dan.

And I must stop
making comparisons.

I had 35 wonderful years,
more than most women.

And I'll always have
those memories.

Are you being realistic
about Mr. Dale?

It will serve a purpose.

(soft music playing)


No, thank you.

Excuse me.

(music continues playing)

You know, Merrill, getting
older isn't really so bad.

You can relax, be yourself.

Yes, age can be handled,

but uselessness...
that's the crusher.

I can't imagine you
ever being useless.

Oh, it happens despite
your best efforts.

And you really miss the
feeling of doing something,

of being able to give.

You're always
getting, not giving.

Getting a seat on the bus,

getting helped
across the street,

getting this, getting that.

All well intended.

But the real lift and life,

flows the other way
from giving of yourself.


That's what you see in marriage?

Well, I don't have
any material things.

But I can make a
very meaningful gift...

independence to a young man

very dear to me.

So, you'll have a
marriage of convenience.

Practical, realistic.

Hollister's really
very sweet, you know.

Of course, he is preoccupied
with his rug business.

But it's nice that
he has an interest.

And for us to spend the
time that we have left together,

that can't be so wrong, can it?

I suppose not.

Forgive me, Agatha.

But I still keep thinking
something's missing.

(theme music playing)

ISAAC: It isn't right, Gopher.

Bugging is underhanded,

insensitive and an
invasion of privacy.

Then go.

Are you crazy? And
miss all the good stuff?


♪ And it might have ended... ♪

♪ And it might have ended... ♪

♪ And it might have
ended A long time ago ♪

(playful music playing)

What do you think
he's doing now?

I don't know.

But I'm sure glad
he stopped singing.

Coming, darling.

baby, am I glad to see you.



- You got him.
- Well, you see.

I just knew a little hard work

and a lot of rottenness
would pay off.

(whispering) Now,
baby, let's be real quiet.

Who knows if that dumb Gopher
isn't outside listening again.

DOC ON RADIO: What a nerd.

(Isaac laughing)

I'll show him who the dummy is.

(door shuts)

(knock on door)

Who is it?

It's Gopher. It's important.

Uh, all right.

Just a minute.

- What can I do for you?
- Nothing.

Just a friendly visit.

(playful music playing)

- Looking for something?
- No.

Just comparing cabins.

I think you'll find the under
the beds are the same.

Okay, get out of there.

Oh, trying to get rid of moths.

(Gopher chuckles)

- Gopher.
- Hmm?

Looking for this?

You think you're
pretty smart, don't ya?

Big brain, went
to medical school.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're not even a good
doctor because if you were,

they'd let you practice on land!

(playful music playing)

(theme music playing)

(lounge music playing)

Well, there's one
thing I'm sure of,

I'm really glad you separated
yourself from that jerk.

Ah, yes.

This is going to
be the beginning

of something beautiful.

(theme music playing)

(soft music playing)

I'm sure everything
will work out fine.

You'll have a place of your own.

And you'll have a
place of your own too?

Yes, I suppose so.

It'll mean companionship,
someone to take care of you.

Somebody I can take
care of too, that's important.

Oh, yes. We can
go places, do things,

even go on more
cruises, see the world.

It sounds like a perfect life.


Hmm. Well, he's staying
in his cabin tonight, sir.

Looks like we've lost the bet.

Well, you have
to give him credit.

He'll probably be
a better man for it.

Different, not
necessarily better.

I don't know why I'm being
so magnanimous about this.

Tailor made uniform
costs a fortune these days.

You know, I haven't
been a very good sport

about this whole thing.

I think maybe I'll
go and concede.

Gopher, you think I could
declare a no betting rule

and make it retroactive?

(theme music playing)

(theme music playing)

Once he even called
me at my dentist.

(sighs) Look, Gale.

As long as this nut
is still running around,

I am not letting
you out of my sight.

I am going to stay
with you day and night.

- That's some kind of record.
- Hmm.

Been together for over an
hour. I still have my clothes.

Well, it's still early.

May I cut in?

You got to be kidding?

Not at all. I believe
those are my kisses.

Do you know him?


Woman, your name is Fickle.

We had a date!

We did?

For three long months, I
have been faithful to you,

dialing my fingers to the bone.

You're the mystery caller?

Not once in all that time did
I ever phone anybody else.

And I was considerate.

I never called
after 11 at night.

We had a dream
relationship on that telephone.

Now you put me on hold.

Wait a minute.

I know you. The office.

You're Melvin from the
shipping department.

That's right.

But I have licked
your last label.

I'm through.

Take back your
unlisted home number,

your mother's number,
your dentist's number.

We're finished!

This is the last time I reach
out and touch someone.

I don't believe it.

That little boy is
my mystery man.

Did you see him?
I really feel foolish.


- However...
- What?

I, uh, still think I'll take
you up on that offer.

What offer's that?

Looking out for
me day and night.


Otherwise, there might
be a lot of violence.

What, from him?


From me.

(romantic music playing)

(theme music playing)

(knock on door)

Come in.

Oh, this isn't
another raid, is it?

Ah, no, Doc.

Um, you win.

I came to apologize.

Oh, all right.

It really wasn't fair of
me to make that bet.

I knew I couldn't lose.

So, I'm not going
to hold you to it.

- The bet's off.
- You're kidding?

You're going to
let me out of it?

Yeah. And the Captain too.

Oh, Doc. Gee, that's
very nice of you.

Hey, we're all pals, aren't we?

I just... I can't
believe you did it.

- Wi|| power.

How do I look?



It's funny. When I
saw you in the office,

I thought for sure
you weren't interested.

You want to make a little bet.

(sexy music playing)

Thank you. Good night, Mark.

It's still early. Let's
have a little nightcap.


Very cozy.

Mark, it really is getting late.

Oh, you nervous?

Of course you are.

Why don't you let
me help you relax?

Ah, all right.

Why don't I slip into something
a little more comfortable?

Good thinking.

What are you doing?

Oh, this door has to stay open.

You see, I'm in
protective custody

and Wayne is assigned
to watch over me.

Pat, I can take care of you now.

There's absolutely no reason
for you to worry about a thing.

(clears throat)
I'm afraid there is.

All right, look.

Whatever might happen,
I can take care of it.

I'm a black belt in karate.

Okay. I'll close the door.


Well, I'll leave it
open a teeny bit.

Look, I don't get any of this.

Oh, it has nothing
to do with your ability.

It's just that... so I
can hear the shots.

Shots? What shots?

You know, gunshots.


Oh yeah. They're after
her. They play for real.

There's "Big Harry"...
"Harry the Beast".

You know him. "Big
Louis". All those guys.

Of course, you know
black belt karate, so...

But maybe you'd like to
borrow my bulletproof vest?

Lead bounces right off it.

That is if they're
aiming at your chest,

but I do have to be
honest about one thing.

If they're aiming at your head,
it really doesn't do much good.

All you have to do is
give them a karate chop.

You're in good
hands, Pat. Good night.

Uh, one second.


Look how late it's gotten.

Do you really have to go?

Yes. I need to
get my eight hours.

Nice seeing you
both. Good night.

(Pat giggles)


Oh, anytime.

- Good night, Pat.
- Wayne?

I've really been a dummy, huh?

A very pretty one.

Can we go back to where we were

before you showed
me that cablegram?

What cablegram?

(romantic music playing)

(theme music playing)

now what happens?

VICKI: I go... like that.

Very good. Now what do I do?

Now it's your turn.

Uh, is that right?

Yeah, and that way.

Now... now what?

- Good evening, Captain.
- Good evening.

Have you told him?

Yes. I thought I'd better
before he heard it as gossip.

And I intend to kick up my
heels and dance at the wedding.

A wedding? Then you
are getting married?

Yes, Vicki.


And you know, I'd like it
if you would attend, Vicki.

Of course, it won't
be a big affair.

Oh, excuse me.

I was just looking at...

Mrs. Winslow, are
you toes really tingling?

My toes?

I was talking to Vicki
earlier about love and, uh,

I told her it made
even your toes tingle.

So of course her toes are
tingling because she has that

special deep down
marrying kind of love.

Don't you, Agatha?

(soft music playing)


(crying) Don't mind
me. I'm... I'm just tired.

All the excitement.

Are you sure that's
all there is to it?

It'll be fine.

I'll have a home, and you'll
have a chance to find a wife.

So that's it?

We have to be realistic.

It's best for everyone.

But it isn't.

We've each been trying so
hard to do the best for the other,

we haven't done
the best for anyone.

But you have a life to lead,

and I want to help to
give you your freedom.

I want a better gift.


One with joy for both
of us, so let's agree.

Nobody runs off to get married
unless it's totally unrealistic,

super special and overwhelming.


You got a deal.

From now on, nothing goes
unless there's a tingle in the toes.

(dramatic music playing)

(theme music playing)

I was hoping to find you.

I have something.

I'm really not interested.

Not for you, for him.



- I won't need them anymore.
- Oh.

Wait a minute.

Excuse me.

Are you married, or
engaged, or going with a fella?

Yeah, yeah.

A wrestler, "Bone
Breaker" Balitnikov.

I see.

(theme music playing)

- Oh, hi, Mark.
- Hi, Mark.

We're about ready to leave,
you want to walk off with us?

Uh, no. No, I'm not leaving.

I liked Mexico so
much, I'm going back.

- Hasta luego.
- Adios.

Would you believe 12 hours
ago he was a man in your life?

So, I'm fickle.

Doc, it was really very
generous of you to call this bet off.

- Hey, forget it.
- No, no, no, no.

The least I can do is buy
you an expensive dinner.

Well, if you insist.

Am I invited? Expensive
is my favorite dinner.

Okay. How often does
a thing like this happen?

I think I'll have
a giant lobster.

Hi, Trudy. Did you
enjoy the cruise?

Oh, yes, I enjoyed it.

And after last night, I may
need another cruise just to relax.

(inaudible) What?

Hey, let me, uh,
help you find a cab.

Wait a minute. Doc. Doc,
wait a minute! You lied!

Wait a minute, Doc! You cheated!

You knew...! What?

Does this mean I
don't get a lobster?

Not even a tuna fish sandwich.

(chuckles) So, there
won't be a wedding.

I guess not.

Rats. I never should
have asked about her toes.

But how are you going to
break the news to Hollister?

Oh, poor dear, but I think I
know the best way to handle it.

Oh, Hollister, I've
had an inspiration

about our Sunday School floor.

Mexican tile.


You mean, stone on the floor?

No carpet?

Would you two like to have
lunch with us in Los Angeles?

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

No. No, I'm sorry. Other plans.

But we'll be seeing each other
back home from time to time.

Goodbye, Agatha.

Huh, tile.

I'm sorry.

I just thought of
my niece in Seattle.

She'd be perfect for Scott.

I must tell him about her.

Scott, have you
ever been to Seattle?

I don't know what you said,
but it sure seems to have worked.

You know, maybe I
should have hung onto him.

He was just beginning
to call me Agatha.

(theme music playing)

(theme music playing)