The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 3, Episode 27 - Invisible Maniac/September Song/Peekaboo - full transcript
(theme music playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard it's love ♪
(theme music playing)
Has Janet Reeves boarded yet?
Janet Reeves, the
model? You know her?
Yeah.
When she checks
in, we'll tell you...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That was way back
in the first grade.
She probably doesn't
even remember.
Now she's married and famous.
Oh good. Well, for a moment,
I thought you were shy.
Don't say anything, okay?
(theme music playing)
Well, hello. Welcome aboard.
Thank you. Mr. and Mrs. Reeves.
Yes. Welcome aboard.
Gee, we're all real
big fans of yours.
Thank you.
Uh, let's see.
You're on the Promenade
Deck cabin 104.
It's up those stairs
and to the left.
Thank you.
JULIE: Enjoy your cruise.
Isaac, you're
doing the right thing.
Whenever there's an
athletic husband around,
always be shy.
I hate burials at sea.
They're so, well, splashy.
(instrumental music playing)
You ever feel like
Noah on the ark,
watching all the animals
come aboard two by two.
Well, they're not
all two by two.
Now, there's a
very definite one.
DOC: Obviously aboard
only for rest, not romance.
Your basic, mature,
no nonsense glacier.
(exclaims)
Well, don't look now, Doc,
but it looks like your glacier
is headed for a meltdown.
Mr. and Mrs. Piermont, you
can reach the Aloha Deck
by going through those
doors and up through there.
- How's it going?
- Good.
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
What time does the
ship get to deep water?
Well, we should be clear of
the harbor in about an hour.
I mean real, real deep.
About 8:30.
Thank you.
I'll keep my eye
on the situation, sir.
Why do you suppose she wants to
know when we get to deep water?
Well, maybe she's just
interested in navigation.
Sounds more to me
like she's planning to take
the old el dive-o.
(soft music playing)
They're not going to be any loud
ruckus parties near
our cabin, are there?
Oh, no ma'am.
Good. Agnes.
See if you can arrange some.
(theme music
playing) (horn blowing)
Oh, whoa!
Sure beats motels and
running around trying to find
out of the way restaurants.
Well, that's the price you
pay for not wanting to be seen.
Well, that's your
problem. Not mine.
I'd be proud to be
seen with you anywhere.
Uh, not too
practical, counselor.
I do not think that
the grand old law firm
of Burton and Burrows
would be thrilled to know that,
uh, two of its attorneys
were sharing a room.
Kathy, values have
changed, you know?
Maybe it's time we
came out of the closet
and faced the whole world
and the grand old company.
Besides, they keep saying
they want their
employees to be happy.
Somehow I think they'd prefer
if we just settled for
the Christmas bonus.
Consider me a fringe benefit.
Ah.
I have to unpack.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Why bother?
The cruise is
only for five days.
There's no point in us
even leaving the room.
Well, I plan on
dining and dancing.
You don't need clothes for that.
We can do all that right here.
You know, it's almost
our anniversary.
A year ago tomorrow night
we went out for
the very first time.
Was that a year ago?
Well, I remember it distinctly.
I'd been with the
firm for six months,
in love with you for...
Ah, now Tom, don't say that.
Well, it's true.
Now look, when
we started this thing,
we agreed to keep
it light and simple.
Right. Light, simple.
No emotional involvement.
We were simply filling
a need for one another.
I was getting over my divorce.
Therapeutic. I remember.
Yes.
That's the deal, and
you agreed to stick to it.
Right.
Okay.
So long as that's
clearly understood.
Excuse me.
(soft music playing)
So, I lied.
(theme music playing)
The ocean's very
pretty, isn't it?
Certainly is.
Oh, but don't get fooled by it.
It looks all blue and warm,
but it's really
awfully, terribly cold.
Ooh.
You okay?
Everybody's a little rocky
the first day, you know.
It'll be different tomorrow.
I know it will.
All right.
(up-tempo music playing)
Ta-da!
Tell me what you think and
don't be afraid of overdoing it.
Oh great, Jan.
I knew you'd overdo it.
Can't get the hockey game.
There's nothing on
this thing but music.
When you put out to sea,
you have to live under brutal,
primitive conditions.
But the Rangers
are playing Boston.
Oh, honey, they can do
without you, but I can't.
Just let me catch this one game.
But you can't.
It's only piped in
music. No radios.
I checked with the
ship before we booked.
I'm basically an evil person.
So am I.
I brought some backup.
But after the game,
we will do something.
I promise.
Okay.
Now, back to you in the booth.
(theme music playing)
Hi, Mr. Piermont.
Where's your wife?
Oh, she went after her pills.
Got a little motion sickness.
I've been feeling a little
motion sickness myself.
You know, just no
modesty anymore.
Well, you know the girls
around here like to get a little tan.
A little tan?
Those girls are going to be tan
where they were
never tan before.
Agnes, I think it's positively
disgusting the things girls wear
today and all to attract men.
Do you know those bathing
suits cost over $50 a piece?
What are you doing?
Checking to see if
I've got an extra $50.
Hold it.
I forgot the limes.
Ah, see you later, guys.
Say, Isaac...
What'd I forget now?
What do you think you forgot?
I forget.
I was just wondering if you've
spoken to Janet Reeves yet?
GOPHER: That is
one gorgeous lady.
Well, have you?
Oh, no I didn't
want to bother her.
I'll bother her.
(stammering)
Mrs. Reeves, an old
classmate of yours over there
would like to say hello.
Someone here to see
you... if you're decent.
Hi.
You don't remember.
That's okay.
I, uh, used to sit behind
you, then you moved away.
Oh, wait a minute.
Isaac... Isaac, uh, Washington.
We were in Miss
Riley's first grade.
How nice to see you.
It is? I mean, you too?
Honest?
You... you remember me?
We were in a play together.
I was the ladybug.
Susy's Sunshine Garden.
I was the dew drop.
No lines. I just
glistened a lot.
(phone ringing)
Excuse me.
Hello?
Uh, yes, she is.
Just a minute. It's for you.
It's Mr. Fisher
from Los Angeles.
Oh, my agent. Thank you.
- She remembered me.
- Um-hm.
- She really did?
- Um-hm.
He topped me.
He brought his own radio.
JANET: So here I am
cruising to romantic Mexico
in a locker room.
He didn't used to be like this.
He was always so attentive.
Even got furious
when another man...
Hey, that would do it.
Another man.
And I think I found one.
Years apart. A romantic reunion.
Uh-huh. Okay. I'll
call you tomorrow.
A dew drop.
Oh.
Well, it's good
to see you again.
I hope you enjoy your cruise.
I know I will now.
(clears throat)
(theme music playing)
(lounge music playing)
Gosh, you know, I think we
should have probably duded up
a little bit for dinner.
Well, maybe tomorrow.
Bill, you finish your coffee.
I've got to go to
the cabin for a wrap.
- Okay.
- Be just a few minutes.
Hey, what's everybody
going to think?
The truth, that I love you.
Oh, Mrs. Piermont,
how is everything going?
-Fine, fine -Oh, good.
By the way, we're
in deep water now.
And if you'll notice, the
boat doesn't rock anymore,
If that's what you
were worried about.
It wasn't that.
I've got to talk to somebody.
I think I'm losing my nerve.
You see, there's something
that I want to throw overboard
and never see again.
What?
Me.
(somber music playing)
Hmm. As much as I hate to
admit it, you look sensational.
- Even in clothes.
- (Kathy laughs)
I was going to keep this
until our official anniversary
tomorrow night, but it
makes such an unsightly bulge
in my pocket.
Now don't say light and simple.
The fact is, I want
you to be my wife.
Come on. Let's do it.
I mean, what the hell?
We love each other.
Let's go find the Captain
and ask him to marry us.
Oh, you are absolutely insane.
Let's be insane together.
- Tom...
- Wait, no, no, no, no.
Don't decide now.
First, we'll have a
wonderful dinner,
a few hundred gallons of
wine, so you can think it over
very, very, carefully,
before you say yes.
(theme music playing)
Mrs. Piermont.
You weren't really serious
about, uh, throwing yourself...
Huh?
Oh, no.
Just the old Faye Piermont
I want to toss overboard.
Polyester pantsuits,
sensible shoes.
These glasses.
I got contact lenses, and
I brought all new clothes.
Starting tonight, there's
going to be a whole new
far out Faye-sy Piermont.
Wow! Why? What
gave you the idea?
Bill and I have been
married quite a while now.
Almost 20 years.
Of all our friends,
we're kind of unique.
We're the only couple
that hasn't gotten a divorce.
Most of them had
the same complaint.
Life had become
dull and routine.
Oh, so you're just going to
shake things up a little bit?
Exactly.
Good thinking.
Only now that the time's
come, I'm getting cold feet.
After 20 years, how
will a man react?
When he finds suddenly he's
married to a different woman.
Well, for what it's worth, I
think that the couples that
settled for the routine life
are the ones that
make the big mistake.
I say go for it.
(theme music playing)
(laughing)
Listen, I'll, uh, I'll
join you later, honey,
if the game doesn't
go into overtime.
Oh, don't worry, love.
I'm sure Isaac will look
after me at the party.
Isaac?
An old boyfriend I ran
into. Isaac Washington.
Wait a minute.
What is it?
Could he be any relation
to Claude Washington,
split end for the Redskins?
No, I don't think so.
(knock on door)
You're in luck. Radio
operator had an extra set.
- Oh, thanks, Gopher.
- You bet.
Ah, that's great.
Now, uh, I won't disturb anyone.
Right.
Dear sweet Isaac.
JANET: He obviously
still has a crush on me.
He gave me a tour of
the ship this afternoon,
Oh, and he has the
cutest little cabin.
JANET: He is one
smooth operator.
JANET: The girls used
to call him the octopus.
JANET: Hands, hands, hands.
- Gopher.
- What?
Great.
Good. Got to go.
(playful music playing)
Isaac, octopus?
(playful music playing)
Excuse me, lady.
Have you seen a woman about
oh, so tall, wearing glasses?
In a polyester pantsuit
and sensible shoes?
Yeah.
She's gone.
Oh, no. Oh.
Honey, it's me.
- What do you think?
- Faye?
Better than your basic
house coat and curlers.
Oh, honey. I'm sorry.
I never meant for
you to get worried.
I only wanted to toss
the old dull clothes
and the old dull
Faye out of our lives.
And I had to do it
like this all at once
or I would have lost my nerve.
You mean, you really
threw your clothes over?
Yep.
I hate to pollute the
Pacific with polyester,
but what the hell.
It's my way of announcing that
I'm resigning from
the fluff and fold set.
No more casserole
committees or carpools.
I think if I can get a
zig-zag attachment
for my sewing machine,
why not get one for
myself and live it up a little.
Is this what you
call a midlife crisis?
Whatever.
Let's make this cruise
the start of a goofy
new unboring
life for both of us.
What do you say, tiger?
(growls like a tiger)
Are you with me?
I guess we can give it a try.
For openers, this has got to go.
Huh?
What are you doing?
Faye!
Oh, for Pete's sake,
that's a new six-dollar tie!
Tomorrow we'll get
you some new outfits.
You are going to
be a whole new Bill,
and you're going to love him.
Uh... your cabin or mine?
(theme music playing)
Well, it's getting late.
We can still wake
up the Captain.
Oh.
Why not? He's
probably a light sleeper.
Uh, Tom, you know, I had
planned on taking this trip alone,
and when you
suggested coming along,
I, uh, I knew I agreed, but
maybe it was being selfish.
Selfish?
Yes.
You see, if you hadn't come
and I'd been here by myself,
I might... or might not,
have met someone else.
With you here, I
have no hassles.
All of my needs are filled
intellectually and romantically.
But all I want to
fill is five days,
not a lifetime.
Do you love me?
Tom, I... oh, you're
not letting me answer.
I'm trying to influence you.
I'm cute. I'm bright, and
I'm a very good provider.
Ah, three fellas
for the price of one.
And I come with a
lifetime guarantee.
Kathy, I know you love me.
- Yes, very much.
- Then why don't we...
Oh, Tom, please don't press it.
Let's just settle
for what we have.
Okay.
Counselor, I warn you.
I have the rest of the
cruise to state my case,
and this is one I won't lose.
(theme music playing)
JANET: Isaac, please now.
Don't ruin everything.
Uh, this is... would you stop?
You're crushing me!
This is impossible.
My husband.
Let me go!
JANET: You're tearing my dress.
Isaac! Control yourself!
What was that?
Well, obviously there's a
man out there attacking women.
A man? Attacking?
Oh.
Hey, Lakers are leading.
What happened to you? Must
be awful windy up on deck.
You have a good time?
(soft music playing)
(dramatic music playing)
(theme music playing)
(soft music playing)
Good morning.
Kathy, we have to talk.
Before coffee?
Why won't you marry me?
Before coffee?
Oh, Tom.
How do I make you understand?
I enjoy every single minute
that I spend with you, totally.
But the cold hard truth is...
I'm ten years older than you.
All right. So I'm ten
inches taller than you.
What difference do
differences make?
And what fun would
life be without any?
The only important thing
here is that we get along great.
That's absolutely true
in this sort of relationship.
But for marriage, a
ten-year difference...
But you don't even look
ten minutes older than I do.
As of now, thanks
to the old paint pots.
But I will begin to show,
and more and more every day.
I'll start to worry about it.
Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. I got an idea.
I'll let myself run down.
No one will ever
know that you're older.
I'll know.
You know, for a modern
woman, you sure are a hypocrite.
I mean, you're aggressive enough
to have an affair
with a younger man.
You're very modern and
logical about the relationship.
What it really comes
down to, Kathy,
is not what we feel
for each other but,
what other people think.
How am I doing?
Can we go and get the Captain?
He's probably already awake.
We'll get the day rate.
Oh, Tom. I'm so confused.
We... I... I need
some time to think.
Well, that's better
than a rejection.
Look, I got to know where I am.
I'll give you the rest of the
trip to make up your mind,
but I want an answer, Kathy,
before we leave this boat.
All right. All right. And
you won’t pressure me?
- No pressure.
- We'|| just relax and have fun.
Absolutely.
But there is one
thing I wanted to say.
I can't return this ring.
So if you don't say yes,
I'm going to be out of $11.
(theme music playing)
You got all this
stuff on board, huh?
I didn't know they
had a blacksmith shop.
You'll get used to it.
You look great.
(chuckles) Maybe.
I'm feeling like I should
be chained to an oar.
Come on. Let's get a drink.
Isaac, that's the couple
I was telling you about.
Ah.
Ah, may I help you?
Yeah. Uh, a couple of beers.
No beers.
D-U-L-L.
Uh, don't bother
to pour the beers.
Just throw 'em over the rail.
Right. You want to
buy a round for the fish.
Not all the fish, no.
Just the one wearing
my six-dollar tie
(giggles) and your pantsuit.
We, uh, geriatric delinquents
would like to have a Scorpion.
"A beguiling tropical ambrosia
made up of five different rums
served in coconut shells
with floating gardenias."
(Bill giggles)
That ought to make a
pretty good eye-opener.
Yeah, it'd better open your
eyes or it'll below your ears off.
I think with this new lifestyle,
I'm going to need a new liver.
You don't have to
go completely crazy.
I just want us to try feeling
different about things...
inside.
Ooh. Listen, with
five different rums,
we're going to
feel different inside.
(theme music playing)
(up-tempo music playing)
That's right. Now just
keep the hips loose.
Very good. Let's
take a break, huh?
This sure beats bingo.
Oh yeah.
Level with me, Faye,
you're not doing this for
the insurance, are you?
I feel absolutely wonderful.
Kathy, I could keep you
this way the rest of your life.
Kathy, we are a perfect pair.
Tom, you promised.
I was just... I was just
doing a little commercial.
(theme music playing)
An attacker?
Oh, yes.
Yes, it happened right
outside my door in the corridor,
Promenade 105.
Can you describe the man?
Oh, no, no. I... I didn't
have my glasses on,
but I can tell you,
Captain, he was big.
Are you certain?
They're always big.
Well, I assure you it
won't happen again.
Stop everything.
CAPTAIN: Get security
on this immediately.
Yes, sir.
Oh and to think I bought
all new clothes for my trip
in the hopes of finding
a nice gentleman.
And what do I find
outside my door?
Jack the Ripper.
Poor Janet.
I'd like to get my
hands on this guy.
I could be his next victim.
Or me.
Ladies, I need some description.
I told you I did not
have my glasses on,
but I did hear his name.
His name?
What is it? What's his name?
His name is Isaac.
- Isaac?
- Yes, Isaac.
(suspenseful music playing)
It wasn't me?
I want to believe you, but I
heard Janet call you an octopus,
all hands.
Now we have a witness.
Hold it.
Just stay away from her until
I try to figure something out.
This could be a big problem.
You're telling me.
(soft music playing)
Uh-huh.
(Bill grunting in pain)
Okay.
Looks like you got
a case of disco disc.
An ice pack.
(Bill grunting in pain)
Okay... Slow
down a little, okay?
Yeah, it's hard to do
when you got a wife
Who's trying to get “m the
Guinness Book of Records.
Let me ask you something, Doc.
Sure.
Uh, can two people
who've been married for oh,
two, three centuries change
their life style overnight?
Well, strange things
happen on cruises.
(chuckles) I'll have them
put that on my stone.
Yeah. I've seen lots of humdrum
relationships heat up again,
and that's not only for the
woman, but for the man too.
Maybe you've heard the
saying, "salt air improves virility"?
That's an old wives' tale.
Yeah, well they ought to know.
- Doc, you got a minute?
- Yeah?
What?
Is there any chance I
might be a werewolf?
Uh, I'll see you Doc. Bye.
Werewolf?
What about it? Could I be
a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
On moonlit nights, do I
stop in the middle of mixing
Shirley Temples and
become the midnight mauler?
Isaac, that's not very likely.
But it is possible.
You've seen how
forgetful I've become.
Maybe I have split in two.
After all, only a
shadowy threshold
defines actuality
from phantasmagoria.
I read that in Readers Digest.
Isaac, I refuse to believe you
have any kind of a problem.
But there was a witness!
Now, a part of me was
sacked out in my cabin.
Another part of me was
up in the passageway
chewing on Janet Reeves' ear.
The worst part is,
from what I hear,
I was making out great.
But I don't even remember
enough to enjoy it.
I still don't think you have
any kind of a problem.
Wait a minute.
Did this ever happen before?
- No.
- Well...
But she might be a special case.
Maybe I'm subconsciously
acting out my fantasies.
You know, I've been crazy
about that Janet ever since I was
seven years old,
when I was a dew drop.
You were a dew drop?
Uh, Isaac, uh, sit down.
Maybe you do have a problem.
How long have you
considered yourself a dew drop?
It was a part I had
in the school play.
She was a ladybug.
Oh, then you had no problem.
Of course, if you'd
considered yourself a ladybug,
then we might be into something.
Doc, I'm going bananas.
- If the Captain ever finds...
- All... all right. Relax.
Now, there's got to
be an explanation.
Ah, I'll speak to the
ladybug's husband.
(theme music playing)
BILL: Oh, yeah.
Well, I'm ready.
Like the dress?
Like it?
Uh, boy don't you think
that thing's just a little drafty?
All part of the big idea to
be daring and live a little.
I figure you'll live a
little in that thing all right.
I'll give you ten minutes
and you catch pneumonia.
Honey, come on.
Bill, this is our last night.
I want to have fun.
Well, ca-ca-can't you have
fun and keep your shirt on?
Bill, don't spoil things.
You've been
understanding so far.
Well, uh, listen, sweetheart.
Just slip this thing right
over your shoulders.
BI...
At least until you get more
hospitalization coverage, okay?
No.
I want to prove to myself that
I'm truly free of
conventional restrictions.
Don't you see?
Wearing this is very important.
How can anything that
flimsy be important?
I mean, it just
doesn't add up, honey.
Goosebumps and gray hair.
My hair is not gray.
Sweetheart, in your heart,
you know that under those lovely
blonde strands are gray roots.
Now what's wrong with gray, huh?
I mean, that's the color
you picked to paint the porch.
I'm disappointed in you.
I guess you don't understand.
Well, no matter.
I am going to the
bar and get a drink,
and then I am going
out to dance, like this.
(Bill stammering)
(Bill whistles) Wai..
Wai.. Wait for me.
Are you sure she staged all
of that just to get my attention?
It's the only logical answer.
Wow.
I've been a real big dumb jock
and spending all
my time at that radio.
Poor kid. Having to go
through all of that just...
Wow, I feel like such a heel.
Well, you still have
time to make up for it.
I'll explain things
to the captain.
Thanks, Doc. That's
awful nice of you.
Isaac, you know
I'm going cold turkey
on the sports kick.
And that beautiful lady of
mine is going to get my apology
and 100 percent of my attention.
- Hey, way to go.
- Yeah.
In fact, she's entitled
to even more than that.
I mean, she wanted
me to be jealous, right?
She can have that
too, if you're game.
Yeah.
See, she knows
I'm at the gym, right?
Right.
But dig this.
(lounge music)
Stop.
Care to order a little snack?
N-O!
BI ". BI".
Say in about, uh, 20 minutes?
Solid.
BILL: Come on, Faye, just...
Good evening, Mrs. Piermont.
Did you spill something?
No. And she's not going to.
- Bring me a Scorpion, please.
- And a sweatshirt.
Just the drink.
One Scorpion,
hold the sweatshirt.
You can't keep this up, Bill.
I guess not.
Why can't you just accept
the new Mrs. Piermont?
Why can't you be born again
without showing up in your...
The birthday suit.
Oh, I knew there'd be a
quarrel sooner or later.
Okay. But slip this
over your shoulders...
Uh-uh.
Until we go up to dance.
Uh-uh!
Just give me a little more
time to get used to the idea.
Sweetheart.
But at the door, off it goes.
(soft music playing)
Kathy, it's our last night.
I know.
Waiting for an answer.
Well?
Well, Tom, why can't
we go on just as we are?
Because I can't
handle it anymore.
Now, I'm tired of ducking
around corners and hiding out.
Kathy, I want to have the
feeling that you're really mine.
Bottom line, I want
you to commit to me.
I want to, Tom, but I can't.
I can handle our age difference!
Now.
But in a few years?
I'd always be worried about
what you were thinking.
I'd be thinking how lucky I
was to have someone like you.
Oh... I wish I could
be certain of that.
I'll put it in writing.
No, it just wouldn't work, Tom.
I... I thought about
it. I... I really have.
But I'll always be dreading
reactions of other people.
Maybe I’m... I'm
overly sensitive,
but I... I can't help the feeling
that people would always
be staring at us, thinking I
was some weird old woman
and you were a kinky flake.
Kathy, that wouldn't bother me.
But it would bother me.
I couldn't live with it.
- Kathy.
- Please, Tom.
This is difficult enough.
Oh, what am I going
to do without you?
(romantic music playing)
(theme music playing)
(lounge music playing)
Oh, gee.
I forgot my pipe.
Finish your drink. I'll meet
you outside in the lounge.
You will be there?
Absolutely.
Only remember, you
promised to keep that on.
The minute you
get there, shazam!
Sh... Sh... Sh... Shazam.
JANET: Come in.
Special delivery.
JANET: What's all this?
It's M and M night,
mariachis and margaritas.
And since you weren't up there,
I decided to deliver
to you down here.
Thank you.
You're more than welcome.
Ah!
What are you doing?
Well, well, well, well, I'm
guarding this door, ma'am.
I'm just... I'm protecting the
passageway because I don't want
any, uh, strange
men to bother you.
Oh. Good. If you catch
him, clap him in irons.
I want him chained and helpless.
Me too!
(playful music playing)
It was very thoughtful
of you Isaac, and...
Uh, is... is your husband here?
He's in the gym.
Well, then, why should
we waste this time?
Why can't we spend it together?
- Ah!
- Since you first kissed me,
I knew that you were trying
to send me a message.
Message? No messages.
I never send messages.
I'm a very bad correspondent.
I've been trying to
suppress the savage desire,
but when I heard you
were screaming my name
up in the corridor, I knew that
you loved me the same way too.
Wait a minute. You've
got this all wrong.
I kneel at your feet in worship!
JANET: Wait, don't do this!
This is crazy!
I didn't mean to give
you the wrong impression.
BURT: Aha!
Doc, I got to call him.
I got to call.
Dr. Bricker to the Promenade
Deck, please. Emergency.
Get out of this room! I
don't want you to see this!
Burt, no! No, no, no!
It's not his fault. It's mine.
I was trying to make you
think there was another man,
and he got the wrong impression.
Then you mean
everything was just to...
I... I'm sorry, Isaac.
Ah!
Look, Isaac, I...
I'm sorry, too, man.
I guess I really should
have known better.
But I was blinded by jealousy.
Good thing you
stopped me in time, baby.
You mean it was
him all the time?
You're a fortunate
man, Mr. Reeves.
Yeah. I know, Isaac.
As for me, I return to the
silence of my lonely room.
Yeah, I know, Isaac.
Broken but not defeated.
Reflecting on two ships
that passed in the night...
Yeah, right.
But never met... (chuckles)
Two gentle zephyrs
from an innocent past,
shadowy but ever present,
gossamer whispers.
What? "Gossamer whispers?"
What is all this baloney?
What do you mean?
Come on. Come on.
Honey, I felt so bad about
all you had to do just to get
through to me, that I
felt that you deserved
a little production in return.
You clowns, both of you.
All I want is Mr. Reeves
in and Curt Gowdy out.
You got it, baby.
And thanks a lot, Isaac.
Where have you been?
What's the emergency?
Did you bring the plasma?
Isaac's going to need it.
Isaac?
Janet's husband caught
them alone together!
He's going to break
every bone in Isaac's body.
For this, you interrupted
my bingo game?
A little family squabble.
Little family squabble?
We'll need a pair of eyebrow
tweezers to pick Isaac up.
When are you going
to learn not to mix in?
And you call yourself a healer?
Oh, Gopher...
(theme music playing)
What is this?
Well, like you said,
it's important we prove
we're unconventional.
Agnes, we're on a
floating massage parlor.
You're just being silly.
Well, if I am, then so are you.
Look, I agreed when
you said real freedom
comes from inside a person.
Well, if this is your idea of
being unconventional, fine.
Okay, then. Let's go.
(both laughing)
You really made your point.
If you were able to go
this far, it's working for us.
Okay, my new Mr. Piermont,
let's both get into
something more comfortable.
(playful music playing)
(theme music playing)
(boat horn)
Bye. Thanks for sailing with us.
Bye-bye.
Here comes the
lady who we thought
was going to jump overboard.
Oh, thanks for
everything, Julie.
Oh, you're welcome. Boy,
you both sure look different.
Yeah, we are. I
feel like a new man.
- JULIE: Aw.
- So do I, but I've got one.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Aw, isn't that wonderful.
They're both behaving
like a couple of kids.
Well, they sure went
to a lot of trouble.
- Hmm?
- I guess I'm lucky.
I didn't have to do anything,
and I'm already there.
(theme music playing)
Oh, then there really
wasn't any sex maniac?
Definitely not.
(chuckles) Well, it's been
a very interesting voyage.
- Captain.
- Good bye.
Agnes.
You're sure there
was no sex maniac?
Absolutely.
Come cruising with us again.
Why?
(theme music playing)
Ooh, bye-bye.
Bye. Thanks for sailing with us.
Excuse me, have
you seen Mr. Bell?
Yes. He went ashore.
He was the first
one off, in fact.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Kathy.
I was afraid I missed you.
I had to pick up
these two witnesses.
Witnesses?
I cabled ahead for
them to meet us here.
Madame, would you
please tell the court
how long you two
have been married.
Forty-seven years.
And every year it gets better.
How could that be possible, sir?
Isn't she much older than you?
Eleven years.
Exhibit A.
She is eleven years older.
Now would your honor please
look at these two witnesses
and state for the record,
do my grandparents seem happy?
Your grandparents?
The defense rests.
(theme music playing)
Ah.
- Glad you enjoyed the cruise.
- Thank you.
Pardon.
You're okay.
But her husband promised you
he was going to take you apart
piece by piece.
I heal quickly.
Thanks for everything, Isaac.
I can't wait to see what
life is going to be like
when I don't have to wait
for a commercial to be kissed.
And he won't backslide
either because he knows
he has competition
waiting in the wings.
Oh, Burt.
Uh, speak right into this.
Here, Isaac. Take this.
Here. It's all yours.
You got it. I'm
going cold turkey.
But I... I can't accept this.
Oh, yes, you can.
You can always give it
to somebody you hate.
- Bye-bye.
- ISAAC: So long.
I don't get this, man.
He gave you a present
after knowing what went on
between you and his wife?
Open marriage.
(theme music playing)
(theme music playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard it's love ♪
(theme music playing)
Has Janet Reeves boarded yet?
Janet Reeves, the
model? You know her?
Yeah.
When she checks
in, we'll tell you...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That was way back
in the first grade.
She probably doesn't
even remember.
Now she's married and famous.
Oh good. Well, for a moment,
I thought you were shy.
Don't say anything, okay?
(theme music playing)
Well, hello. Welcome aboard.
Thank you. Mr. and Mrs. Reeves.
Yes. Welcome aboard.
Gee, we're all real
big fans of yours.
Thank you.
Uh, let's see.
You're on the Promenade
Deck cabin 104.
It's up those stairs
and to the left.
Thank you.
JULIE: Enjoy your cruise.
Isaac, you're
doing the right thing.
Whenever there's an
athletic husband around,
always be shy.
I hate burials at sea.
They're so, well, splashy.
(instrumental music playing)
You ever feel like
Noah on the ark,
watching all the animals
come aboard two by two.
Well, they're not
all two by two.
Now, there's a
very definite one.
DOC: Obviously aboard
only for rest, not romance.
Your basic, mature,
no nonsense glacier.
(exclaims)
Well, don't look now, Doc,
but it looks like your glacier
is headed for a meltdown.
Mr. and Mrs. Piermont, you
can reach the Aloha Deck
by going through those
doors and up through there.
- How's it going?
- Good.
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
What time does the
ship get to deep water?
Well, we should be clear of
the harbor in about an hour.
I mean real, real deep.
About 8:30.
Thank you.
I'll keep my eye
on the situation, sir.
Why do you suppose she wants to
know when we get to deep water?
Well, maybe she's just
interested in navigation.
Sounds more to me
like she's planning to take
the old el dive-o.
(soft music playing)
They're not going to be any loud
ruckus parties near
our cabin, are there?
Oh, no ma'am.
Good. Agnes.
See if you can arrange some.
(theme music
playing) (horn blowing)
Oh, whoa!
Sure beats motels and
running around trying to find
out of the way restaurants.
Well, that's the price you
pay for not wanting to be seen.
Well, that's your
problem. Not mine.
I'd be proud to be
seen with you anywhere.
Uh, not too
practical, counselor.
I do not think that
the grand old law firm
of Burton and Burrows
would be thrilled to know that,
uh, two of its attorneys
were sharing a room.
Kathy, values have
changed, you know?
Maybe it's time we
came out of the closet
and faced the whole world
and the grand old company.
Besides, they keep saying
they want their
employees to be happy.
Somehow I think they'd prefer
if we just settled for
the Christmas bonus.
Consider me a fringe benefit.
Ah.
I have to unpack.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Why bother?
The cruise is
only for five days.
There's no point in us
even leaving the room.
Well, I plan on
dining and dancing.
You don't need clothes for that.
We can do all that right here.
You know, it's almost
our anniversary.
A year ago tomorrow night
we went out for
the very first time.
Was that a year ago?
Well, I remember it distinctly.
I'd been with the
firm for six months,
in love with you for...
Ah, now Tom, don't say that.
Well, it's true.
Now look, when
we started this thing,
we agreed to keep
it light and simple.
Right. Light, simple.
No emotional involvement.
We were simply filling
a need for one another.
I was getting over my divorce.
Therapeutic. I remember.
Yes.
That's the deal, and
you agreed to stick to it.
Right.
Okay.
So long as that's
clearly understood.
Excuse me.
(soft music playing)
So, I lied.
(theme music playing)
The ocean's very
pretty, isn't it?
Certainly is.
Oh, but don't get fooled by it.
It looks all blue and warm,
but it's really
awfully, terribly cold.
Ooh.
You okay?
Everybody's a little rocky
the first day, you know.
It'll be different tomorrow.
I know it will.
All right.
(up-tempo music playing)
Ta-da!
Tell me what you think and
don't be afraid of overdoing it.
Oh great, Jan.
I knew you'd overdo it.
Can't get the hockey game.
There's nothing on
this thing but music.
When you put out to sea,
you have to live under brutal,
primitive conditions.
But the Rangers
are playing Boston.
Oh, honey, they can do
without you, but I can't.
Just let me catch this one game.
But you can't.
It's only piped in
music. No radios.
I checked with the
ship before we booked.
I'm basically an evil person.
So am I.
I brought some backup.
But after the game,
we will do something.
I promise.
Okay.
Now, back to you in the booth.
(theme music playing)
Hi, Mr. Piermont.
Where's your wife?
Oh, she went after her pills.
Got a little motion sickness.
I've been feeling a little
motion sickness myself.
You know, just no
modesty anymore.
Well, you know the girls
around here like to get a little tan.
A little tan?
Those girls are going to be tan
where they were
never tan before.
Agnes, I think it's positively
disgusting the things girls wear
today and all to attract men.
Do you know those bathing
suits cost over $50 a piece?
What are you doing?
Checking to see if
I've got an extra $50.
Hold it.
I forgot the limes.
Ah, see you later, guys.
Say, Isaac...
What'd I forget now?
What do you think you forgot?
I forget.
I was just wondering if you've
spoken to Janet Reeves yet?
GOPHER: That is
one gorgeous lady.
Well, have you?
Oh, no I didn't
want to bother her.
I'll bother her.
(stammering)
Mrs. Reeves, an old
classmate of yours over there
would like to say hello.
Someone here to see
you... if you're decent.
Hi.
You don't remember.
That's okay.
I, uh, used to sit behind
you, then you moved away.
Oh, wait a minute.
Isaac... Isaac, uh, Washington.
We were in Miss
Riley's first grade.
How nice to see you.
It is? I mean, you too?
Honest?
You... you remember me?
We were in a play together.
I was the ladybug.
Susy's Sunshine Garden.
I was the dew drop.
No lines. I just
glistened a lot.
(phone ringing)
Excuse me.
Hello?
Uh, yes, she is.
Just a minute. It's for you.
It's Mr. Fisher
from Los Angeles.
Oh, my agent. Thank you.
- She remembered me.
- Um-hm.
- She really did?
- Um-hm.
He topped me.
He brought his own radio.
JANET: So here I am
cruising to romantic Mexico
in a locker room.
He didn't used to be like this.
He was always so attentive.
Even got furious
when another man...
Hey, that would do it.
Another man.
And I think I found one.
Years apart. A romantic reunion.
Uh-huh. Okay. I'll
call you tomorrow.
A dew drop.
Oh.
Well, it's good
to see you again.
I hope you enjoy your cruise.
I know I will now.
(clears throat)
(theme music playing)
(lounge music playing)
Gosh, you know, I think we
should have probably duded up
a little bit for dinner.
Well, maybe tomorrow.
Bill, you finish your coffee.
I've got to go to
the cabin for a wrap.
- Okay.
- Be just a few minutes.
Hey, what's everybody
going to think?
The truth, that I love you.
Oh, Mrs. Piermont,
how is everything going?
-Fine, fine -Oh, good.
By the way, we're
in deep water now.
And if you'll notice, the
boat doesn't rock anymore,
If that's what you
were worried about.
It wasn't that.
I've got to talk to somebody.
I think I'm losing my nerve.
You see, there's something
that I want to throw overboard
and never see again.
What?
Me.
(somber music playing)
Hmm. As much as I hate to
admit it, you look sensational.
- Even in clothes.
- (Kathy laughs)
I was going to keep this
until our official anniversary
tomorrow night, but it
makes such an unsightly bulge
in my pocket.
Now don't say light and simple.
The fact is, I want
you to be my wife.
Come on. Let's do it.
I mean, what the hell?
We love each other.
Let's go find the Captain
and ask him to marry us.
Oh, you are absolutely insane.
Let's be insane together.
- Tom...
- Wait, no, no, no, no.
Don't decide now.
First, we'll have a
wonderful dinner,
a few hundred gallons of
wine, so you can think it over
very, very, carefully,
before you say yes.
(theme music playing)
Mrs. Piermont.
You weren't really serious
about, uh, throwing yourself...
Huh?
Oh, no.
Just the old Faye Piermont
I want to toss overboard.
Polyester pantsuits,
sensible shoes.
These glasses.
I got contact lenses, and
I brought all new clothes.
Starting tonight, there's
going to be a whole new
far out Faye-sy Piermont.
Wow! Why? What
gave you the idea?
Bill and I have been
married quite a while now.
Almost 20 years.
Of all our friends,
we're kind of unique.
We're the only couple
that hasn't gotten a divorce.
Most of them had
the same complaint.
Life had become
dull and routine.
Oh, so you're just going to
shake things up a little bit?
Exactly.
Good thinking.
Only now that the time's
come, I'm getting cold feet.
After 20 years, how
will a man react?
When he finds suddenly he's
married to a different woman.
Well, for what it's worth, I
think that the couples that
settled for the routine life
are the ones that
make the big mistake.
I say go for it.
(theme music playing)
(laughing)
Listen, I'll, uh, I'll
join you later, honey,
if the game doesn't
go into overtime.
Oh, don't worry, love.
I'm sure Isaac will look
after me at the party.
Isaac?
An old boyfriend I ran
into. Isaac Washington.
Wait a minute.
What is it?
Could he be any relation
to Claude Washington,
split end for the Redskins?
No, I don't think so.
(knock on door)
You're in luck. Radio
operator had an extra set.
- Oh, thanks, Gopher.
- You bet.
Ah, that's great.
Now, uh, I won't disturb anyone.
Right.
Dear sweet Isaac.
JANET: He obviously
still has a crush on me.
He gave me a tour of
the ship this afternoon,
Oh, and he has the
cutest little cabin.
JANET: He is one
smooth operator.
JANET: The girls used
to call him the octopus.
JANET: Hands, hands, hands.
- Gopher.
- What?
Great.
Good. Got to go.
(playful music playing)
Isaac, octopus?
(playful music playing)
Excuse me, lady.
Have you seen a woman about
oh, so tall, wearing glasses?
In a polyester pantsuit
and sensible shoes?
Yeah.
She's gone.
Oh, no. Oh.
Honey, it's me.
- What do you think?
- Faye?
Better than your basic
house coat and curlers.
Oh, honey. I'm sorry.
I never meant for
you to get worried.
I only wanted to toss
the old dull clothes
and the old dull
Faye out of our lives.
And I had to do it
like this all at once
or I would have lost my nerve.
You mean, you really
threw your clothes over?
Yep.
I hate to pollute the
Pacific with polyester,
but what the hell.
It's my way of announcing that
I'm resigning from
the fluff and fold set.
No more casserole
committees or carpools.
I think if I can get a
zig-zag attachment
for my sewing machine,
why not get one for
myself and live it up a little.
Is this what you
call a midlife crisis?
Whatever.
Let's make this cruise
the start of a goofy
new unboring
life for both of us.
What do you say, tiger?
(growls like a tiger)
Are you with me?
I guess we can give it a try.
For openers, this has got to go.
Huh?
What are you doing?
Faye!
Oh, for Pete's sake,
that's a new six-dollar tie!
Tomorrow we'll get
you some new outfits.
You are going to
be a whole new Bill,
and you're going to love him.
Uh... your cabin or mine?
(theme music playing)
Well, it's getting late.
We can still wake
up the Captain.
Oh.
Why not? He's
probably a light sleeper.
Uh, Tom, you know, I had
planned on taking this trip alone,
and when you
suggested coming along,
I, uh, I knew I agreed, but
maybe it was being selfish.
Selfish?
Yes.
You see, if you hadn't come
and I'd been here by myself,
I might... or might not,
have met someone else.
With you here, I
have no hassles.
All of my needs are filled
intellectually and romantically.
But all I want to
fill is five days,
not a lifetime.
Do you love me?
Tom, I... oh, you're
not letting me answer.
I'm trying to influence you.
I'm cute. I'm bright, and
I'm a very good provider.
Ah, three fellas
for the price of one.
And I come with a
lifetime guarantee.
Kathy, I know you love me.
- Yes, very much.
- Then why don't we...
Oh, Tom, please don't press it.
Let's just settle
for what we have.
Okay.
Counselor, I warn you.
I have the rest of the
cruise to state my case,
and this is one I won't lose.
(theme music playing)
JANET: Isaac, please now.
Don't ruin everything.
Uh, this is... would you stop?
You're crushing me!
This is impossible.
My husband.
Let me go!
JANET: You're tearing my dress.
Isaac! Control yourself!
What was that?
Well, obviously there's a
man out there attacking women.
A man? Attacking?
Oh.
Hey, Lakers are leading.
What happened to you? Must
be awful windy up on deck.
You have a good time?
(soft music playing)
(dramatic music playing)
(theme music playing)
(soft music playing)
Good morning.
Kathy, we have to talk.
Before coffee?
Why won't you marry me?
Before coffee?
Oh, Tom.
How do I make you understand?
I enjoy every single minute
that I spend with you, totally.
But the cold hard truth is...
I'm ten years older than you.
All right. So I'm ten
inches taller than you.
What difference do
differences make?
And what fun would
life be without any?
The only important thing
here is that we get along great.
That's absolutely true
in this sort of relationship.
But for marriage, a
ten-year difference...
But you don't even look
ten minutes older than I do.
As of now, thanks
to the old paint pots.
But I will begin to show,
and more and more every day.
I'll start to worry about it.
Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. I got an idea.
I'll let myself run down.
No one will ever
know that you're older.
I'll know.
You know, for a modern
woman, you sure are a hypocrite.
I mean, you're aggressive enough
to have an affair
with a younger man.
You're very modern and
logical about the relationship.
What it really comes
down to, Kathy,
is not what we feel
for each other but,
what other people think.
How am I doing?
Can we go and get the Captain?
He's probably already awake.
We'll get the day rate.
Oh, Tom. I'm so confused.
We... I... I need
some time to think.
Well, that's better
than a rejection.
Look, I got to know where I am.
I'll give you the rest of the
trip to make up your mind,
but I want an answer, Kathy,
before we leave this boat.
All right. All right. And
you won’t pressure me?
- No pressure.
- We'|| just relax and have fun.
Absolutely.
But there is one
thing I wanted to say.
I can't return this ring.
So if you don't say yes,
I'm going to be out of $11.
(theme music playing)
You got all this
stuff on board, huh?
I didn't know they
had a blacksmith shop.
You'll get used to it.
You look great.
(chuckles) Maybe.
I'm feeling like I should
be chained to an oar.
Come on. Let's get a drink.
Isaac, that's the couple
I was telling you about.
Ah.
Ah, may I help you?
Yeah. Uh, a couple of beers.
No beers.
D-U-L-L.
Uh, don't bother
to pour the beers.
Just throw 'em over the rail.
Right. You want to
buy a round for the fish.
Not all the fish, no.
Just the one wearing
my six-dollar tie
(giggles) and your pantsuit.
We, uh, geriatric delinquents
would like to have a Scorpion.
"A beguiling tropical ambrosia
made up of five different rums
served in coconut shells
with floating gardenias."
(Bill giggles)
That ought to make a
pretty good eye-opener.
Yeah, it'd better open your
eyes or it'll below your ears off.
I think with this new lifestyle,
I'm going to need a new liver.
You don't have to
go completely crazy.
I just want us to try feeling
different about things...
inside.
Ooh. Listen, with
five different rums,
we're going to
feel different inside.
(theme music playing)
(up-tempo music playing)
That's right. Now just
keep the hips loose.
Very good. Let's
take a break, huh?
This sure beats bingo.
Oh yeah.
Level with me, Faye,
you're not doing this for
the insurance, are you?
I feel absolutely wonderful.
Kathy, I could keep you
this way the rest of your life.
Kathy, we are a perfect pair.
Tom, you promised.
I was just... I was just
doing a little commercial.
(theme music playing)
An attacker?
Oh, yes.
Yes, it happened right
outside my door in the corridor,
Promenade 105.
Can you describe the man?
Oh, no, no. I... I didn't
have my glasses on,
but I can tell you,
Captain, he was big.
Are you certain?
They're always big.
Well, I assure you it
won't happen again.
Stop everything.
CAPTAIN: Get security
on this immediately.
Yes, sir.
Oh and to think I bought
all new clothes for my trip
in the hopes of finding
a nice gentleman.
And what do I find
outside my door?
Jack the Ripper.
Poor Janet.
I'd like to get my
hands on this guy.
I could be his next victim.
Or me.
Ladies, I need some description.
I told you I did not
have my glasses on,
but I did hear his name.
His name?
What is it? What's his name?
His name is Isaac.
- Isaac?
- Yes, Isaac.
(suspenseful music playing)
It wasn't me?
I want to believe you, but I
heard Janet call you an octopus,
all hands.
Now we have a witness.
Hold it.
Just stay away from her until
I try to figure something out.
This could be a big problem.
You're telling me.
(soft music playing)
Uh-huh.
(Bill grunting in pain)
Okay.
Looks like you got
a case of disco disc.
An ice pack.
(Bill grunting in pain)
Okay... Slow
down a little, okay?
Yeah, it's hard to do
when you got a wife
Who's trying to get “m the
Guinness Book of Records.
Let me ask you something, Doc.
Sure.
Uh, can two people
who've been married for oh,
two, three centuries change
their life style overnight?
Well, strange things
happen on cruises.
(chuckles) I'll have them
put that on my stone.
Yeah. I've seen lots of humdrum
relationships heat up again,
and that's not only for the
woman, but for the man too.
Maybe you've heard the
saying, "salt air improves virility"?
That's an old wives' tale.
Yeah, well they ought to know.
- Doc, you got a minute?
- Yeah?
What?
Is there any chance I
might be a werewolf?
Uh, I'll see you Doc. Bye.
Werewolf?
What about it? Could I be
a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
On moonlit nights, do I
stop in the middle of mixing
Shirley Temples and
become the midnight mauler?
Isaac, that's not very likely.
But it is possible.
You've seen how
forgetful I've become.
Maybe I have split in two.
After all, only a
shadowy threshold
defines actuality
from phantasmagoria.
I read that in Readers Digest.
Isaac, I refuse to believe you
have any kind of a problem.
But there was a witness!
Now, a part of me was
sacked out in my cabin.
Another part of me was
up in the passageway
chewing on Janet Reeves' ear.
The worst part is,
from what I hear,
I was making out great.
But I don't even remember
enough to enjoy it.
I still don't think you have
any kind of a problem.
Wait a minute.
Did this ever happen before?
- No.
- Well...
But she might be a special case.
Maybe I'm subconsciously
acting out my fantasies.
You know, I've been crazy
about that Janet ever since I was
seven years old,
when I was a dew drop.
You were a dew drop?
Uh, Isaac, uh, sit down.
Maybe you do have a problem.
How long have you
considered yourself a dew drop?
It was a part I had
in the school play.
She was a ladybug.
Oh, then you had no problem.
Of course, if you'd
considered yourself a ladybug,
then we might be into something.
Doc, I'm going bananas.
- If the Captain ever finds...
- All... all right. Relax.
Now, there's got to
be an explanation.
Ah, I'll speak to the
ladybug's husband.
(theme music playing)
BILL: Oh, yeah.
Well, I'm ready.
Like the dress?
Like it?
Uh, boy don't you think
that thing's just a little drafty?
All part of the big idea to
be daring and live a little.
I figure you'll live a
little in that thing all right.
I'll give you ten minutes
and you catch pneumonia.
Honey, come on.
Bill, this is our last night.
I want to have fun.
Well, ca-ca-can't you have
fun and keep your shirt on?
Bill, don't spoil things.
You've been
understanding so far.
Well, uh, listen, sweetheart.
Just slip this thing right
over your shoulders.
BI...
At least until you get more
hospitalization coverage, okay?
No.
I want to prove to myself that
I'm truly free of
conventional restrictions.
Don't you see?
Wearing this is very important.
How can anything that
flimsy be important?
I mean, it just
doesn't add up, honey.
Goosebumps and gray hair.
My hair is not gray.
Sweetheart, in your heart,
you know that under those lovely
blonde strands are gray roots.
Now what's wrong with gray, huh?
I mean, that's the color
you picked to paint the porch.
I'm disappointed in you.
I guess you don't understand.
Well, no matter.
I am going to the
bar and get a drink,
and then I am going
out to dance, like this.
(Bill stammering)
(Bill whistles) Wai..
Wai.. Wait for me.
Are you sure she staged all
of that just to get my attention?
It's the only logical answer.
Wow.
I've been a real big dumb jock
and spending all
my time at that radio.
Poor kid. Having to go
through all of that just...
Wow, I feel like such a heel.
Well, you still have
time to make up for it.
I'll explain things
to the captain.
Thanks, Doc. That's
awful nice of you.
Isaac, you know
I'm going cold turkey
on the sports kick.
And that beautiful lady of
mine is going to get my apology
and 100 percent of my attention.
- Hey, way to go.
- Yeah.
In fact, she's entitled
to even more than that.
I mean, she wanted
me to be jealous, right?
She can have that
too, if you're game.
Yeah.
See, she knows
I'm at the gym, right?
Right.
But dig this.
(lounge music)
Stop.
Care to order a little snack?
N-O!
BI ". BI".
Say in about, uh, 20 minutes?
Solid.
BILL: Come on, Faye, just...
Good evening, Mrs. Piermont.
Did you spill something?
No. And she's not going to.
- Bring me a Scorpion, please.
- And a sweatshirt.
Just the drink.
One Scorpion,
hold the sweatshirt.
You can't keep this up, Bill.
I guess not.
Why can't you just accept
the new Mrs. Piermont?
Why can't you be born again
without showing up in your...
The birthday suit.
Oh, I knew there'd be a
quarrel sooner or later.
Okay. But slip this
over your shoulders...
Uh-uh.
Until we go up to dance.
Uh-uh!
Just give me a little more
time to get used to the idea.
Sweetheart.
But at the door, off it goes.
(soft music playing)
Kathy, it's our last night.
I know.
Waiting for an answer.
Well?
Well, Tom, why can't
we go on just as we are?
Because I can't
handle it anymore.
Now, I'm tired of ducking
around corners and hiding out.
Kathy, I want to have the
feeling that you're really mine.
Bottom line, I want
you to commit to me.
I want to, Tom, but I can't.
I can handle our age difference!
Now.
But in a few years?
I'd always be worried about
what you were thinking.
I'd be thinking how lucky I
was to have someone like you.
Oh... I wish I could
be certain of that.
I'll put it in writing.
No, it just wouldn't work, Tom.
I... I thought about
it. I... I really have.
But I'll always be dreading
reactions of other people.
Maybe I’m... I'm
overly sensitive,
but I... I can't help the feeling
that people would always
be staring at us, thinking I
was some weird old woman
and you were a kinky flake.
Kathy, that wouldn't bother me.
But it would bother me.
I couldn't live with it.
- Kathy.
- Please, Tom.
This is difficult enough.
Oh, what am I going
to do without you?
(romantic music playing)
(theme music playing)
(lounge music playing)
Oh, gee.
I forgot my pipe.
Finish your drink. I'll meet
you outside in the lounge.
You will be there?
Absolutely.
Only remember, you
promised to keep that on.
The minute you
get there, shazam!
Sh... Sh... Sh... Shazam.
JANET: Come in.
Special delivery.
JANET: What's all this?
It's M and M night,
mariachis and margaritas.
And since you weren't up there,
I decided to deliver
to you down here.
Thank you.
You're more than welcome.
Ah!
What are you doing?
Well, well, well, well, I'm
guarding this door, ma'am.
I'm just... I'm protecting the
passageway because I don't want
any, uh, strange
men to bother you.
Oh. Good. If you catch
him, clap him in irons.
I want him chained and helpless.
Me too!
(playful music playing)
It was very thoughtful
of you Isaac, and...
Uh, is... is your husband here?
He's in the gym.
Well, then, why should
we waste this time?
Why can't we spend it together?
- Ah!
- Since you first kissed me,
I knew that you were trying
to send me a message.
Message? No messages.
I never send messages.
I'm a very bad correspondent.
I've been trying to
suppress the savage desire,
but when I heard you
were screaming my name
up in the corridor, I knew that
you loved me the same way too.
Wait a minute. You've
got this all wrong.
I kneel at your feet in worship!
JANET: Wait, don't do this!
This is crazy!
I didn't mean to give
you the wrong impression.
BURT: Aha!
Doc, I got to call him.
I got to call.
Dr. Bricker to the Promenade
Deck, please. Emergency.
Get out of this room! I
don't want you to see this!
Burt, no! No, no, no!
It's not his fault. It's mine.
I was trying to make you
think there was another man,
and he got the wrong impression.
Then you mean
everything was just to...
I... I'm sorry, Isaac.
Ah!
Look, Isaac, I...
I'm sorry, too, man.
I guess I really should
have known better.
But I was blinded by jealousy.
Good thing you
stopped me in time, baby.
You mean it was
him all the time?
You're a fortunate
man, Mr. Reeves.
Yeah. I know, Isaac.
As for me, I return to the
silence of my lonely room.
Yeah, I know, Isaac.
Broken but not defeated.
Reflecting on two ships
that passed in the night...
Yeah, right.
But never met... (chuckles)
Two gentle zephyrs
from an innocent past,
shadowy but ever present,
gossamer whispers.
What? "Gossamer whispers?"
What is all this baloney?
What do you mean?
Come on. Come on.
Honey, I felt so bad about
all you had to do just to get
through to me, that I
felt that you deserved
a little production in return.
You clowns, both of you.
All I want is Mr. Reeves
in and Curt Gowdy out.
You got it, baby.
And thanks a lot, Isaac.
Where have you been?
What's the emergency?
Did you bring the plasma?
Isaac's going to need it.
Isaac?
Janet's husband caught
them alone together!
He's going to break
every bone in Isaac's body.
For this, you interrupted
my bingo game?
A little family squabble.
Little family squabble?
We'll need a pair of eyebrow
tweezers to pick Isaac up.
When are you going
to learn not to mix in?
And you call yourself a healer?
Oh, Gopher...
(theme music playing)
What is this?
Well, like you said,
it's important we prove
we're unconventional.
Agnes, we're on a
floating massage parlor.
You're just being silly.
Well, if I am, then so are you.
Look, I agreed when
you said real freedom
comes from inside a person.
Well, if this is your idea of
being unconventional, fine.
Okay, then. Let's go.
(both laughing)
You really made your point.
If you were able to go
this far, it's working for us.
Okay, my new Mr. Piermont,
let's both get into
something more comfortable.
(playful music playing)
(theme music playing)
(boat horn)
Bye. Thanks for sailing with us.
Bye-bye.
Here comes the
lady who we thought
was going to jump overboard.
Oh, thanks for
everything, Julie.
Oh, you're welcome. Boy,
you both sure look different.
Yeah, we are. I
feel like a new man.
- JULIE: Aw.
- So do I, but I've got one.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Aw, isn't that wonderful.
They're both behaving
like a couple of kids.
Well, they sure went
to a lot of trouble.
- Hmm?
- I guess I'm lucky.
I didn't have to do anything,
and I'm already there.
(theme music playing)
Oh, then there really
wasn't any sex maniac?
Definitely not.
(chuckles) Well, it's been
a very interesting voyage.
- Captain.
- Good bye.
Agnes.
You're sure there
was no sex maniac?
Absolutely.
Come cruising with us again.
Why?
(theme music playing)
Ooh, bye-bye.
Bye. Thanks for sailing with us.
Excuse me, have
you seen Mr. Bell?
Yes. He went ashore.
He was the first
one off, in fact.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Kathy.
I was afraid I missed you.
I had to pick up
these two witnesses.
Witnesses?
I cabled ahead for
them to meet us here.
Madame, would you
please tell the court
how long you two
have been married.
Forty-seven years.
And every year it gets better.
How could that be possible, sir?
Isn't she much older than you?
Eleven years.
Exhibit A.
She is eleven years older.
Now would your honor please
look at these two witnesses
and state for the record,
do my grandparents seem happy?
Your grandparents?
The defense rests.
(theme music playing)
Ah.
- Glad you enjoyed the cruise.
- Thank you.
Pardon.
You're okay.
But her husband promised you
he was going to take you apart
piece by piece.
I heal quickly.
Thanks for everything, Isaac.
I can't wait to see what
life is going to be like
when I don't have to wait
for a commercial to be kissed.
And he won't backslide
either because he knows
he has competition
waiting in the wings.
Oh, Burt.
Uh, speak right into this.
Here, Isaac. Take this.
Here. It's all yours.
You got it. I'm
going cold turkey.
But I... I can't accept this.
Oh, yes, you can.
You can always give it
to somebody you hate.
- Bye-bye.
- ISAAC: So long.
I don't get this, man.
He gave you a present
after knowing what went on
between you and his wife?
Open marriage.
(theme music playing)
(theme music playing)