The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 4, Episode 11 - That's My Dad/The Captain's Bird/Captive Audience - full transcript
[THEME TUNE STARTS]
♪ Love
♪ Exciting and new
♪ Come aboard
♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love
♪ Life's sweetest reward
♪ Let it flow
♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat
♪ Soon will be
making another run
♪ The Love Boat
♪ Promises
something for everyone
♪ Set a course for adventure
♪ Your mind on a new romance
♪ And love
♪ Won't hurt anymore
♪ It's an open smile
♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love
♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
Isn't the tree
beautiful, Gopher?
- Mm-hm.
- Christmas is my favorite cruise.
Mine, too. See this angel?
- Yes.
- I was the model.
[LAUGHING]
Uh, Vicki, I forgot
a handkerchief.
- Would you mind going back to my cabin?
- No.
I didn't want her to hear.
Did De Marco's Pet Shop
deliver anything for me?
Not yet, sir.
- Not yet?
- Mm-mm
They were supposed to deliver
it two hours before boarding time.
Well, I'd say they're late.
I'll keep an eye out for them.
Hi, I'm... JULIE: It's you!
- Gesundheit.
- [GIGGLES]
And this is Mrs. Braddock.
Well, welcome aboard,
Mr. Braddock, Mrs. Braddock.
I'm Julie McCoy.
Gee, I've got all of
your husband's records.
So do we.
[LAUGHS] I'm so glad you're here
to entertain for our Christmas Cruise.
So am I...
What could be more fun
than a working vacation?
Yeah.
Honey, would you
mind checking us in?
I'm going to take a look
at the Acapulco Lounge.
- Fine.
- Where is it Julie?
Oh you can take the
elevator, deck five.
- Thank you.
- Okay, let's see,
you're on the Promenade
Deck, cabin 350.
Julie, I'm glad we have a moment
alone. Could I ask you a favor?
Sure, that's what I'm here for.
Well, Bobby and his father, Richard
Braddock, will be on this cruise.
Isn't that wonderful!
They used to perform
together, didn't they?
Well, yes they did, uh,
but neither one of them
knows that the
other one is here,
and I'd like to keep it a secret
until tonight's performance.
Okay, I'll tell
you what I'll do.
I'll give them separate
seatings for dinner.
Oh, won't that be fun
when they see each other.
I hope so. They, uh, haven't
spoken to each other for ten years.
My mother-in-law and I are
trying to get them together again.
Well, what better
time than Christmas?
Isn't that Mr. Braddock?
- Yes it is. Thanks, Julie.
- Sure.
Well, hello, welcome aboard. I'm
Julie McCoy, your cruise director.
- And what a pretty Julie you are.
- Oh, thank you.
- We're Lil and Richard Braddock.
- Well, welcome aboard.
You're on Fiesta
Deck, cabin 220.
Who's the entertainment
on this cruise?
[SCOFFS] Is that all
you ever think about?
Once a performer,
always a performer.
Adam Bricker, ship's doctor.
Office hours 3:00 to 5:00 in
case you sprain your neck.
[CHUCKLES] Jeff Dalton.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Excuse me, but could you tell me
how to get to the Fiesta Deck, cabin 119?
Yeah, through the
lobby and to the right.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I wonder if it's too late to
put that on my list to Santa.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Hi, can I help you?
Oh, um, yeah, sure.
I was, um, just
looking for my...
father, yeah.
There he is.
Dad! Hey, Dad!
When he's checking chicks
he doesn't hear anything.
Hey, mister.
Mister, there's a
cute-looking girl over there,
I think she kinda likes you.
Yeah? Where?
Right there.
Good eye, kid.
I ought to put
you on the payroll.
Uh, Vicki, I just
remembered something.
Julie wants to see you.
She needs your help.
- Where is she?
- In the purser's lobby.
- MAN: Here you go.
- Ah!
- Sir, what is this?
- Shh! It's Vicki's Christmas present.
It's a parrot and a parrot book.
He talks and reads?
The book tells you
how to train the parrot.
Now, look, I need your help.
I want you to hide all this in
your cabin. Only till Christmas Eve.
But sir, a parrot? That'll
keep me up all night.
Believe me, Gopher, the way you gab,
you'll keep the parrot awake all night.
Thank you very much. [STUTTERS]
I don't want Vicki to see it.
Oh! Gopher!
Isaac, look, give this to
Gopher and tell him it's his food.
And tell him to go easy on it.
It has to last the entire cruise.
Well, this should
be plenty, sir.
This'll keep Gopher
chirping for three days.
[HORN BLOWING]
[CHEERING]
Hey, is this seat saved?
Oh, hiya, kid. Well, I
was hoping to get lucky,
but you weren't exactly
what I had in mind.
Well, if some chick comes
along, she can play, too.
Wait a minute, kid,
what are you doing?
I'm dealing gin.
And the name's not Kid.
It's Scotty, remember?
Well, Scotty,
thanks, but no thanks.
Hey, I play a buck a point.
Let's go, sport.
Your play, discard.
One game and that's it.
Yeah, watch those hands.
I've seen a few
cheaters in my time.
Are you playing to see
who pays for the drinks?
I didn't order
any drinks, Isaac.
I did. You looked thirsty.
Hey, the beer's mine.
The soft drink's yours.
Not on my ship.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
I put a little something
on there for you, Isaac.
Thanks, sport.
- Thanks for the beer, kid.
- Don't mention it. I signed your name.
You here on your honeymoon?
Or are you with your folks?
With the folks, but they don't
come out of the cabin too much.
See, my mom's shy. My
dad doesn't like crowds.
- Gin.
- Gin?
Already?
Yeah, what can I say? I'm good.
Hi, haven't I seen you
somewhere before?
I haven't heard that line
since the senior prom.
You care to join us?
You could save me from being
taken to the cleaners by this card shark.
Well, thanks anyway, but I really think
I've had enough sun for the first day.
Well, how about a
stroll around the ship?
Only the shady parts.
Okay, as long as
they're not too shady.
Hey, we just started.
Well now, it's our turn.
Some father, leaving
his son for a woman.
- Oh, that's his son?
- Mm-hm.
Well, at least he's
teaching him something.
Some father!
[BIRD SQUAWKS]
Listen, bird.
I don't want a roommate that
throws his food all over the floor.
- You got that?
- [SQUAWKS]
Same to you, pal.
Hey, man, that lido
deck is really jumping.
- How's the parrot?
- He's a pig.
Well, why don't
we give him a bath?
- Good idea.
- [SQUAWKS]
Why don't we throw it over
the side with a bar of soap.
Hey, now, wait a minute.
Where's your Christmas spirit?
We're supposed to
be doing this for Vicki.
Oh, some present, man, the
dumb parrot doesn't even talk.
- And I think he bites.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
Enter-o!
- Good afternoon gentlemen.
- Sir.
Well, how's our parrot,
Gopher? Any problems?
Oh no sir, no problem,
he's a sweetheart.
Good, what words does he say?
Well, he doesn't say a thing
sir, he's all squawk, and no talk.
Not even "hello?"
I was promised a trained parrot.
What fun is a bird
that can't even talk?
Well, he's pretty. He's
got beautiful feathers.
- Yeah.
- If I wanted beautiful feathers,
I would have
ordered her a duster.
Hey, Gopher, I've
got a great idea.
Why don't we teach
the parrot how to talk?
What? Come on.
Hey, man, come on now, listen.
That's what Christmas
is all about, isn't it?
Doing something
nice for people you like.
Yes...
That would please the
Captain and Vicki, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah, but man, Christmas
is the day after tomorrow.
Well, maybe we
can teach it a carol.
[SQUAWKS]
Goodbye, dear.
Richard's gone to get a haircut.
Good. Bobby's rehearsing.
Now we can ask Julie.
- Oh, Julie?
- Hmm?
- Julie, we need your help.
- Okay.
Tonight, when Bobby's singing,
could you introduce his father from
the audience and get him up on stage?
Well, sure, but why?
The two of them stopped
talking to each other
when Bobby left the act
and went out on his own.
And we thought if we could get
them both back together on stage...
Oh, that's a great idea!
Oh, this is gonna
be a great Christmas.
Yeah.
Or maybe the beginning
of World War III.
[CHATTER]
Hi.
Oh... hi.
Hey, your father's over there.
Right. I've been
looking for him.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hm.
Hey, I'm starved. I
hope I'm not too late.
- Have you already ordered?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm waiting for a
friend to join me.
What am I? An enemy?
Let me show you the
disappearing aces trick.
I've got a better idea.
Why don't I show you the
disappearing Scotty trick.
Hey, you're funny.
How long you been
off your medication?
[CHUCKLES] Hi, gorgeous.
Say goodbye to Scotty.
He was just leaving.
Hey, why don't you
pull up another chair.
Scotty, man to man...
beat it before I belt you.
Okay.
Evidently, the little boy's father
has other plans for the evening.
Scotty, I'm gonna count to
three and if you're not gone,
I'm gonna play taps on your
head with the soup spoon.
Okay.
Okay.
I get the message.
Excuse me.
Young man.
One minute, please.
Me? I didn't do anything.
I know, but you
could do me a favor.
There's an empty place at my table,
and I'd appreciate it if you'd join me.
- But...
- I'd not only appreciate it, I insist.
[SCOTTY SIGHS]
This is Dr. Bricker.
- Hi, how are you?
- My daughter, Vicki.
- Hi.
- And you are?
Hungry.
[ALL LAUGH]
The name's Scotty.
Well, Scotty, I'm
glad you're hungry.
Santa doesn't bring presents to
children who don't eat their dinner.
- Well, hi.
- Hi, Julie.
Just took a stroll on deck.
- Oh?
- Yes, it's a beautiful night.
Yes.
The coast is clear.
Oh, wonderful. Come on, darling.
What are you gonna
get for Christmas?
Oh, me and my Dad
don't celebrate Christmas.
- He gives me presents all year around.
- Oh.
Where's Gopher?
Oh, I think he ate earlier.
He's probably in his cabin,
relaxing. [CLEARS THROAT]
[WHISTLES] Hello.
- [SQUAWKS]
- Hello.
- Hello. Hello - ♪
Jingle bells, jingle bells...
Would you stop with jingle bells,
I can't even make him say hello.
We're wasting our
time with him, man.
The captain bought
a dumb parrot.
You're a dumb parrot!
Oh, come on, now, we've
only been at it less than an hour.
- It takes time.
- You sure he's even supposed to be out?
Yeah, it says so
right here in the book.
GOPHER: He's looking at my
nose like it's a sunflower seed.
- What else does the book say?
- "Treat your bird like a friend."
Hey you want to
talk about girls?
"Make him feel secure."
How? Open a savings
account in his name?
Give him a year's
supply of worms?
The kind of security
they're talking about
is making him feel
loved and wanted.
I guess you're just not
using the right approach.
Oh, okay.
Then you make him
feel loved and wanted.
Let's see your approach.
Make him feel loved
and wanted. I dare you.
Oh. Okay.
Hey, brother man,
what's happenin'?
You got some pretty
feathers. Mm-hm.
Those are the most
beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
[SQUAWKS]
I think she's smiling.
Now, listen sweetheart,
this is all I want you to do,
is say, "Hey, baby."
Hey, baby.
Hey, baby.
Hey, baby.
I wish I had a picture of this.
[MELLOW JAZZ PLAYING]
There you are, my dearest.
Best seats in the house.
- My, you're in a good mood tonight.
- Why shouldn't I be?
It's Christmastime and
I'm with the one I love.
Oh.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight the Acapulco
Lounge proudly presents
the exciting and
talented Bobby Braddock!
[BAND PLAYING MELODY]
[APPLAUSE]
You knew about this!
Sit down.
♪ Sleigh bells ring
♪ Are you listening
♪ In the lane,
snow is glistening
♪ A beautiful sight,
we're happy tonight
♪ Walking in a winter wonderland
♪ In the meadow, we
can build a snowman
♪ Then pretend that
he is Parson Brown
♪ He'll say, are you married
♪ We'll say, no man
♪ But you can do the
job when you're in town
♪ Later on, we'll conspire
♪ As we dream by the fire
♪ To face unafraid
♪ The plans that we've made
♪ Walking in a winter wonderland
♪ Walking in a winter wonderland
♪ Walking in a winter
♪ Wonderland ♪
[APPLAUSE]
Ladies and gentlemen,
as you all know,
Bobby Braddock is
the second generation
of great stars in
the Braddock family.
But what you don't know,
and what Bobby doesn't know,
is that his father, Richard, is
here in the audience tonight.
[APPLAUSE]
Now, maybe we'll be able to
get him to come up on stage
and sing a song with his
son, would you like that?
[CROWD MURMURING]
[LOW CHATTERING]
Or maybe we'll
just all dance, huh?
[MELLOW JAZZ RESUMES]
Oh, Jeff... A kiss
in the moonlight,
and then a show,
now champagne...
How could you top
an evening like that?
Well, we'll, uh,
think of something.
[KNOCKING "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"]
Maybe it's my late
shift replacement.
Hi, Jeff.
Thought I'd give you
a chance to get even.
Gee, great, but
right now I'm busy.
Cathy and I would like to
spend a little time together.
You already spent time together.
I saw you two
kissing on the deck.
You did?
Yeah, well, we'd like to spend
a little more time together.
Gotcha, pal. Be
back in five minutes.
Wait. You're not
getting the picture.
It wasn't Julie's fault, Merrill.
She was just trying to help
get Bobby Braddock and
his father back together again.
It was a very nice
Christmas gesture.
The way it turned out, she
could have waited till Easter.
JEFF: Look, I can't
make it any clearer.
Beat it. Hm?
And please, don't come back.
Not tonight, I mean.
Cathy and I, uh...
want to be alone.
Okay. Sure, no problem.
- Great.
- No problem.
Check with me tomorrow. Okay?
Tomorrow.
Must be an epidemic on this ship,
fathers running out on their sons.
- Hi, Scotty.
- Oh, hi.
We couldn't help
but overhear it.
Oh, that? That's nothing.
Me and my father have
a great arrangement.
You're up kind of late, Scotty.
Where do you plan
to spend the night?
Oh, it's no big deal. I'll
just go somewhere else.
Absolutely not.
You'll spend the
night in my quarters.
Hey, I'm not a
kid, I can handle it.
Careful, if you disobey captains,
they make you walk the plank.
My cabin's this way.
[PARROT SQUAWKING]
Hat. Hat.
Book.
[SQUAWKS]
Shell.
Tie!
Isaac, this is no use,
he is not gonna talk.
Let's make a piñata out of him.
Wait, hold it, Gopher, I
think we're getting closer.
It's just like in the book says,
he'll talk faster if he's
around pleasant surroundings.
Hey, what can we do to make
these surroundings more pleasant?
Call in a decorator!
Talk!
[SQUAWKS]
Gopher, he's not a jailbird.
Neither am I! Look at me!
I'm sharing my room
with a squawking bird.
I'm losing sleep! I got
bird seed all over the floor!
- Wait, simmer down.
- No! No, this thing was wrong
right from the start! Right
from the start! Wrong!
Anybody who buys a parrot
that isn't trained is crazy!
Captain Stubing is a jerk!
PARROT [SQUAWKS]:
Captain Stubing is a jerk!
Captain Stubing is a jerk!
Congratulations, you
taught the bird how to talk.
PARROT: Captain
Stubing is a jerk.
Gopher Smith is unemployed!
PARROT: Captain
Stubing is a jerk.
You must've been
a good boy this year.
You sure got a lot of presents.
[LAUGHTER]
Those aren't for him.
Those are for giving.
Yeah, well,
Christmas... who cares?
- I do.
- Well, that's it.
Vicki, you go back to bed.
- Good night.
- Good night.
And you, young
man, you get into bed.
Bed? It's too early.
You can go to bed,
and I'll turn in later.
Go to bed.
All right.
Well, you can't go to
bed with your clothes on.
Why not? I always
sleep with my clothes on.
Saves time in the morning.
Get up, come on.
- You're gonna take your shirt off...
- I can undress myself...
- Gonna take your trousers off...
- Leave me alone!
My Lord.
Scotty, your back.
Hey, what's the big deal?
How did it happen?
Leave me alone.
Can't a guy get any
sleep around here?
Oh Bobby, we went through it
all a hundred times last night.
Your mother and I meant
well. It merely backfired.
Backfired? You mean, exploded.
Oh great, I'm gonna have fun
talking to you tomorrow, the next day...
- Good morning.
- Good morning Lil, Richard.
Bobby, you know
your father, don't you?
Sit down.
Your father is very sorry
about what happened last night.
Aren't you, Richard?
Aren't you, Richard?
- I made a mistake.
- See?
A mistake?
My own father walks out on
me in front of all those people.
That wasn't a mistake.
It was a disaster.
Look who's talking!
You're the expert
at walking out.
Or don't you remember the
act you ruined ten years ago
when you walked out on me!
I didn't walk out, I escaped.
And I wouldn't have had to
if you would have treated me
like a partner
instead of a... a child.
You're right, you
weren't a child.
A child would have shown
more respect for his father!
Well, I'm glad to see that after
ten years of not speaking to you,
I haven't missed a thing.
Some Merry Christmas
this is going to be.
- [SQUAWKS]
- GOPHER: Go to sleep.
[SOOTHING TONE] Sleep...
Go to sleep, your
eyelids are getting droopy.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Captain Stubing is a jerk.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Gopher, you're losing control.
This is not gonna work.
Give me my watch back.
No, no, I've seen
hypnotism work on people
who are trying to lose
weight and stop smoking.
All I have to do is put the bird
under, I can make him stop saying that.
Can't I? Go to sleep.
- Your feathers are getting tired.
- [SQUAWKS]
Your beak is getting tired.
Your whole body
is getting sleepy.
Sleep... [SQUAWKS]
- Isaac!
- Did it work?
Captain Stubing is a jerk.
Well, that answers
that question.
Isaac, what are
we gonna do, man?
Tonight is Christmas Eve.
The captain wants to give
the bird to Vicki tonight.
When we get to Mazatlan,
why don't we take
this parrot to a pet shop
and swap him for another one?
That's a great idea.
- That is a great idea!
- [LAUGHING]
Why didn't I think of that?
Because I'm the brawn
and you're the brain.
I bet I beat you this hand.
Gin.
Boy, you're a pushover.
Your old man's gonna end
up owing me this whole ship.
Adam, what happens
in a case like this?
Can an abused child be
taken away from his parents?
Well, that's out of my
province, Merrill. That's legal.
I sure would like to
have a look at the boy.
Good.
Meantime, Julie and
I will talk to his father.
Good idea.
Scotty.
Scotty, I want you to spend
some time with Dr. Bricker.
Julie and I are gonna
talk to your father.
Oh, no, um... I don't think
that's such a good idea.
I mean, uh, he's probably
not in his cabin right now.
And if he was, he'd,
um, probably be asleep,
and you better not wake him.
I'll handle it, Scotty. You
just stay with the doctor.
Come on, Scotty.
Don't worry, he's a good doctor.
Come on, you're not packing.
Because I'm not going
anywhere, and neither are you.
Oh, yes, I am.
I'm not staying on this ship
any longer than I have to.
I'm catching a flight home
tonight from Mazatlan.
Well, I'm going up on
deck and work on my tan.
In case you get sane enough to
change your mind all of a sudden.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hi, Lil, can I talk to
Richard for a moment?
Be my guest.
Maybe you can knock some
sense into that thick skull of his.
He's packing to leave.
In case I don't see you
tomorrow, Merry Christmas!
Oh, I hope you're not
gonna start in on me, too.
No, no, I came because
I owe you an apology.
I never should have set
you two up like that last night.
I'm sure Lil put you up to it.
No, it was actually my idea.
And I would think
you'd know why I did it.
I love your son, and it kills
me to see him unhappy.
What's he unhappy about?
He's rich, he's famous.
[SCOFFS] He's a big star.
I know.
But it doesn't mean a thing
to him without your love.
And I guess he'll never get it.
JULIE [OVER PA]:
Welcome to Mazatlan,
whose beautiful shops
and open air bazaars
are perfect for your
last-minute Christmas shopping.
- No, no, no flores.
- PARROT: Captain Stubing is a jerk.
No, no. No banderas.
No sombreros. No, no.
- No, no, no...
- [PARROT SQUAWKING IN SPANISH]
- Hola.
- Ah, buenos días.
Picked that up
from the birds, huh?
What can I do for
you today, señor?
I'm having a little trouble
with my parrot. My perico.
He talks all the time. He
says something I don't like.
I know how you feel.
My wife's the same way.
Yeah, well, listen, I want
to know if I can trade him.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Sure. I'll take your
parrot, you take my wife.
No, no, no, amigo.
I want to exchange my
parrot for one of yours.
No, sorry. No exchanges.
What would I do
with a used parrot?
What would I do
with a used wife?
- Adiós.
- Señor, how about a nice dog?
Watch this, señor.
Okay, Zippy, lie down.
See how he behaves?
- I live on a boat.
- Watch this. Don't get up!
- See? Perfectly trained.
- No, thanks.
- PARROT: Captain Stubing is a jerk.
- Shut your beak.
Captain Stubing is a jerk.
Señor, you know, sometimes,
if you leave a parrot
with other parrots that talk,
he may learn what they say
and stop saying the other thing.
- Is that true?
- Why would I lie?
Okay, listen to me,
this is what I want to do.
I want to leave him here for
a few hours and see, okay?
Ah, Io siento, señor.
I don't have room, I'm crowded.
I got two parrots on one
perch over here, I got three...
There's nothing I can do.
I like to help you señor,
but over here's just too...
- I just found room.
- Adiós.
No. No, no, no. No banderas, no.
There he is. Mr. Dalton?
May we have a word
with you please, alone?
Well, we were on
our way into Mazatlan.
This will only take a minute.
Sure, Captain.
- Uh, I'll wait for you inside, Jeff.
- Okay.
Thank you.
It's about Scotty.
Well, he's a great kid. I
got a real kick out of him.
Yeah, you sure have a
funny way of showing it.
Mr. Dalton, you shouldn't take your
personal problems out on the boy.
You'd better stop
neglecting him.
[EXHALES] What is this, some
kind of good neighbor lecture, or what?
Look, he gets in the way sometimes.
You just have to be firm with him.
Firm is one thing,
brutal is another.
What are you talking about?
Mr. Dalton, do you even know or
care where your son spent the night?
My son?
[CHUCKLES] Scotty's not my son.
I've never seen him before.
He just latched on to me.
- He's not?
- No.
Sir, do you think he
might be a stowaway?
Yes. And a runaway, judging
from what I saw last night.
Scotty is covered with bruises.
I'm sorry, I thought you
were responsible for them.
Oh, no. Well, maybe I can help.
Merrill, Scotty
gave me the slip.
I left him alone in my
examination room for a moment.
When I came back, he was gone.
May I sit down?
I ought to be mad
at you, you know.
[LAUGHS] Join the club.
Here. Here's a
Christmas present for you.
I know it's a little early,
but go ahead and open it.
Oh, Mom, I don't believe it.
All my reviews.
All my clippings, pictures.
My whole life.
Thanks, Mom.
Enjoy it.
Here's my first Vegas opening
The White House.
Oh, Dad and me on
the Ed Sullivan Show.
You were a terrific team.
We sure were.
And I'm not just talking about the
act, I'm talking about father and son.
Yeah, well, um, thanks
for the scrapbook, Mom.
It must have been a lot of
trouble, all that cutting and pasting.
It was a labor of love.
I appreciate it, I really do.
Well, don't thank me
for it. Thank your father.
Dad?
You mean, he did all this?
Your father loves you, Bobby.
It's just that he doesn't
know how to tell you.
You know something, Mom.
All the time I keep thinking
that, one of these days,
we're gonna be a family again.
Your father isn't getting
any younger, Bobby.
And one of these
days, you'll find out
that "one of these
days," is too late.
- Oh, Captain.
- Yes?
Here's the reply to
that cablegram you sent.
Scotty lives with
foster parents.
They reported him
missing the day we left LA.
Mm. I see this
isn't the first time
- the boy's been abused.
- No.
- Captain.
- Yes?
Excuse me, but has
Scotty turned up yet?
No.
I thought you were
going into Mazatlan.
Well, we couldn't
under the circumstances.
Read this.
Why doesn't the law
step in on cases like this?
Well, as a lawyer, Captain,
I can tell you, it's difficult
to separate unfit parents
from their children.
Even unfit foster parents?
Yes, it's difficult, but,
uh, not impossible.
Then there is a ray of hope.
- Julie.
- Yes, sir.
Have the stewards
make a cabin search.
I want to find that boy.
I want Scotty to have
a happy Christmas.
Yes, sir.
Hey mister, psst!
Want me to carry
your bag? Only a buck.
Well, the Steward's Union
must've lowered the working age.
Is that what your parents
brought you on the cruise for,
to hustle passengers for money?
Look mister, you want
to part with a buck, or not?
You're too old to carry that.
What is it with you kids?
Were children put on
earth to cause parents grief?
Us? Parents are the trouble.
Always hassling us,
always walking out on us,
never there when we need them.
Here.
You can carry my bag.
Thanks, mister.
Hey, this is a ten spot!
Yeah. Keep the change.
Thanks.
Mom? Dad? It's me, Bobby.
Come on, Dad, we can't
go on like this forever.
It's too late, Bobby.
Your father's gone home.
[SIGHS] I'm sorry, Mom.
It'll be the first Christmas
we've been apart in 35 years.
- I hope this worked, man.
- Hey, don't worry.
I'm sure the guy in the pet shop
knew what he was talking about.
PARROT: Captain
Stubing is a jerk.
Captain Stubing is a jerk.
Captain Stubing is a jerk.
- Taxi!
- Wait a minute.
Buenos días!
Buenos días!
ALL PARROTS: Captain Stubing
is a jerk. Captain Stubing is a jerk.
Buenos días!
Buenos días!
Go, señor!
Go! Out! Out!
PARROTS [OVERLAPPING]:
Captain Stubing is a jerk!
Buenos días!
Buenos días!
JULIE [OVER PA]: We'll be
leaving Mazatlan in 30 minutes.
Don't forget our Christmas Eve
Party tonight in the Acapulco Lounge.
How can a kid just
disappear into thin air?
Damn, I wish we could find him.
Poor thing. He's
probably scared to death.
When I was a kid, we
never had much money,
but I always knew
my parents loved me.
Well, I guess love is
something Scotty missed.
And we found.
Boy, you guys kiss enough.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the
disappearing card shark himself.
You looking for me, Jeff?
We've all been looking for you.
Where in the heck have you been?
Oh, I've been having fun.
This is a big ship,
plenty of things to do.
[SIGHS] You had us
worried to death, Scotty.
Scotty, we have to talk.
- [APPLAUSE]
- Ever play solitaire gin before?
I won four hundred
bucks off myself.
Scotty, I know you're a runaway.
Runaway? Ha!
My parents sent me on
this cruise. I'm a rich kid.
I come from a great family.
Scotty, I know about the bruises,
and I know what they're from.
So I got a few bruises.
I been playing football.
Rough sport, right, sport?
Yeah, it's rough, all right.
Well, I guess I was
wrong about you.
I thought I could help you a
little bit, but you don't need me.
You've got everything
under control, right?
See you around, kid.
Jeff. No, wait.
I've been bad, Jeff. I've
been really bad, and I'm sorry.
I deserve to be punished.
No you don't.
Like that old guy said,
"Kids are nothing but grief."
Wrong, sometimes
it's the parents.
Mine are mean, Jeff.
I don't want to go back.
They hurt me.
And I'm scared. [SOBS]
Well, sometimes things get too
big for a guy to handle by himself.
And that's when
he needs a friend.
But I don't have any friends.
Oh yes, you do.
You're looking at one.
Make that two.
And together, the three of
us are gonna handle this.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you very much.
You know, Christmas is the
most beautiful time of the year.
The smell of pine
needles on the tree,
the crackling of
a log on the fire,
and the sound of
little children laughing.
Most of all, it's a
family time of the year.
I've been very lucky in that
respect, because I have a loving wife,
and a beautiful mother.
And, of course, you all know
my father, whom I love very much.
He can't be here tonight,
but I'd like to do this song,
as kind of a... oh, a special
Christmas card to him.
And to all of you.
[BAND PLAYING "THE
DONKEY SERENADE"]
[VOCALIZING]
♪ There's a song in the air
♪ But the fair señorita
♪ Doesn't seem to care
♪ For the song in the air
- ♪ So I...
- RICHARD: ♪ So I sing to the mule
- ♪ If you're sure she
won't think - [APPLAUSE]
♪ I am but a fool
♪ Serenading a mule
♪ Amigo mio, does she
not have a dainty bray?
♪ She listens carefully
to each little tune you play
♪ Sí, sí, mi muchachito,
♪ She'd love to sing it
too if only she knew the way
♪ But try as she may
♪ In her voice, there's a flaw
♪ And all that the lady can say
♪ Is "Ee-aw!"
[SUSTAINING NOTE]
[SINGING SAME NOTE]
[BOTH SINGING NOTE]
♪ Señorita donkeycita
♪ Not so fleet as un mosquito
♪ But so sweet like my chiquita
♪ You're the one for me
♪ You're the one for me ♪
BOTH: Olé!
[APPLAUSE]
Merry Christmas, son.
Merry Christmas, Dad.
- JULIE: Isaac? This is for you.
- STUBING: Oh, I thought that was yours.
- Thank you, that's for you, Julie.
- Thank you.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- Where's Gopher?
Oh, I, uh... I called him, and
he said he'd be here in a minute.
Shhh! Shh.
Look, I know we've had
trouble communicating,
but do me a favor and
keep your mouth shut.
My life depends on it.
Ho, ho, ho, look what Santa
just crammed down my chimney.
[ALL CHATTERING]
- Thank you, thank you.
- Not at all, sir.
Vicki, this is a present
from your loving father.
Merry Christmas.
I wonder what it is?
- [CHUCKLING]
- A parrot!
- [SQUAWKING]
- Just what I wanted. Thank you, Dad!
- Does it talk?
- BOTH: No!
- [SQUAWKS]
- Not yet, but we have to teach it.
Well, that'll be fun.
- Hello...
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
Hello... Hello...
Don't worry, honey, you
can teach it. It just takes time.
Well, it's not that,
Dad. I love the parrot.
I was just thinking
about Scotty.
I'll bet he's never had a great
Christmas present like this.
I don't think he has.
Isn't the real spirit
of Christmas "giving"?
Mm-hm.
Would you be upset if I
gave Scotty my parrot?
- Swell idea!
- That's a good idea!
Oh, Gopher, I
forgot your present.
[SQUAWKS] Captain
Stubing is a jerk.
- What was that?
- I said...
[MIMICS PARROT] Captain
Stubing loves to work!
Oh... I think I'll take
this to Scotty right now.
That's a good idea! Here we go!
Gopher, Vicki, just a minute.
Merry Christmas to the
best crew, the best friends...
and the loveliest daughter
a man could ever ask for.
Merry Christmas to you too, sir.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, Julie.
- Yes.
Thank you very much. It
turned out to be a lovely time.
It sure did. As
a matter of fact,
Dad and I decided not
to speak for another year
- so we can come back again.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Just promise you'll sing.
- Both of you.
- You can count on it.
- I hope Santa Claus was good to you.
Oh, he certainly was.
I got the greatest Christmas
gift a father could ask for.
But how do you gift wrap a son?
[LAUGHTER]
Well, thanks for
sailing with us.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Well, Captain Santa. It's been
a wonderful Christmas cruise.
- Thanks.
- That goes for all you Santas.
Ah, thank you.
I hope everything
works out for you, Scotty.
Well, if things work
out the way I hope,
I'll have an instant family.
Thanks for the parrot,
Vicki. You're a good chick.
Thanks.
- Bye-bye.
- Don't worry.
I taped his mouth
shut till we get home.
Captain, about Scotty's fare.
Oh, it's all been taken care of.
- Thanks, Santa.
- Not this Santa.
That Santa.
[SAYING FAREWELLS]
Thanks, Big Spender.
And Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas!
ALL: Merry Christmas!
♪ Love
♪ Exciting and new
♪ Come aboard
♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love
♪ Life's sweetest reward
♪ Let it flow
♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat
♪ Soon will be
making another run
♪ The Love Boat
♪ Promises
something for everyone
♪ Set a course for adventure
♪ Your mind on a new romance
♪ And love
♪ Won't hurt anymore
♪ It's an open smile
♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love
♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
Isn't the tree
beautiful, Gopher?
- Mm-hm.
- Christmas is my favorite cruise.
Mine, too. See this angel?
- Yes.
- I was the model.
[LAUGHING]
Uh, Vicki, I forgot
a handkerchief.
- Would you mind going back to my cabin?
- No.
I didn't want her to hear.
Did De Marco's Pet Shop
deliver anything for me?
Not yet, sir.
- Not yet?
- Mm-mm
They were supposed to deliver
it two hours before boarding time.
Well, I'd say they're late.
I'll keep an eye out for them.
Hi, I'm... JULIE: It's you!
- Gesundheit.
- [GIGGLES]
And this is Mrs. Braddock.
Well, welcome aboard,
Mr. Braddock, Mrs. Braddock.
I'm Julie McCoy.
Gee, I've got all of
your husband's records.
So do we.
[LAUGHS] I'm so glad you're here
to entertain for our Christmas Cruise.
So am I...
What could be more fun
than a working vacation?
Yeah.
Honey, would you
mind checking us in?
I'm going to take a look
at the Acapulco Lounge.
- Fine.
- Where is it Julie?
Oh you can take the
elevator, deck five.
- Thank you.
- Okay, let's see,
you're on the Promenade
Deck, cabin 350.
Julie, I'm glad we have a moment
alone. Could I ask you a favor?
Sure, that's what I'm here for.
Well, Bobby and his father, Richard
Braddock, will be on this cruise.
Isn't that wonderful!
They used to perform
together, didn't they?
Well, yes they did, uh,
but neither one of them
knows that the
other one is here,
and I'd like to keep it a secret
until tonight's performance.
Okay, I'll tell
you what I'll do.
I'll give them separate
seatings for dinner.
Oh, won't that be fun
when they see each other.
I hope so. They, uh, haven't
spoken to each other for ten years.
My mother-in-law and I are
trying to get them together again.
Well, what better
time than Christmas?
Isn't that Mr. Braddock?
- Yes it is. Thanks, Julie.
- Sure.
Well, hello, welcome aboard. I'm
Julie McCoy, your cruise director.
- And what a pretty Julie you are.
- Oh, thank you.
- We're Lil and Richard Braddock.
- Well, welcome aboard.
You're on Fiesta
Deck, cabin 220.
Who's the entertainment
on this cruise?
[SCOFFS] Is that all
you ever think about?
Once a performer,
always a performer.
Adam Bricker, ship's doctor.
Office hours 3:00 to 5:00 in
case you sprain your neck.
[CHUCKLES] Jeff Dalton.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Excuse me, but could you tell me
how to get to the Fiesta Deck, cabin 119?
Yeah, through the
lobby and to the right.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I wonder if it's too late to
put that on my list to Santa.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Hi, can I help you?
Oh, um, yeah, sure.
I was, um, just
looking for my...
father, yeah.
There he is.
Dad! Hey, Dad!
When he's checking chicks
he doesn't hear anything.
Hey, mister.
Mister, there's a
cute-looking girl over there,
I think she kinda likes you.
Yeah? Where?
Right there.
Good eye, kid.
I ought to put
you on the payroll.
Uh, Vicki, I just
remembered something.
Julie wants to see you.
She needs your help.
- Where is she?
- In the purser's lobby.
- MAN: Here you go.
- Ah!
- Sir, what is this?
- Shh! It's Vicki's Christmas present.
It's a parrot and a parrot book.
He talks and reads?
The book tells you
how to train the parrot.
Now, look, I need your help.
I want you to hide all this in
your cabin. Only till Christmas Eve.
But sir, a parrot? That'll
keep me up all night.
Believe me, Gopher, the way you gab,
you'll keep the parrot awake all night.
Thank you very much. [STUTTERS]
I don't want Vicki to see it.
Oh! Gopher!
Isaac, look, give this to
Gopher and tell him it's his food.
And tell him to go easy on it.
It has to last the entire cruise.
Well, this should
be plenty, sir.
This'll keep Gopher
chirping for three days.
[HORN BLOWING]
[CHEERING]
Hey, is this seat saved?
Oh, hiya, kid. Well, I
was hoping to get lucky,
but you weren't exactly
what I had in mind.
Well, if some chick comes
along, she can play, too.
Wait a minute, kid,
what are you doing?
I'm dealing gin.
And the name's not Kid.
It's Scotty, remember?
Well, Scotty,
thanks, but no thanks.
Hey, I play a buck a point.
Let's go, sport.
Your play, discard.
One game and that's it.
Yeah, watch those hands.
I've seen a few
cheaters in my time.
Are you playing to see
who pays for the drinks?
I didn't order
any drinks, Isaac.
I did. You looked thirsty.
Hey, the beer's mine.
The soft drink's yours.
Not on my ship.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
I put a little something
on there for you, Isaac.
Thanks, sport.
- Thanks for the beer, kid.
- Don't mention it. I signed your name.
You here on your honeymoon?
Or are you with your folks?
With the folks, but they don't
come out of the cabin too much.
See, my mom's shy. My
dad doesn't like crowds.
- Gin.
- Gin?
Already?
Yeah, what can I say? I'm good.
Hi, haven't I seen you
somewhere before?
I haven't heard that line
since the senior prom.
You care to join us?
You could save me from being
taken to the cleaners by this card shark.
Well, thanks anyway, but I really think
I've had enough sun for the first day.
Well, how about a
stroll around the ship?
Only the shady parts.
Okay, as long as
they're not too shady.
Hey, we just started.
Well now, it's our turn.
Some father, leaving
his son for a woman.
- Oh, that's his son?
- Mm-hm.
Well, at least he's
teaching him something.
Some father!
[BIRD SQUAWKS]
Listen, bird.
I don't want a roommate that
throws his food all over the floor.
- You got that?
- [SQUAWKS]
Same to you, pal.
Hey, man, that lido
deck is really jumping.
- How's the parrot?
- He's a pig.
Well, why don't
we give him a bath?
- Good idea.
- [SQUAWKS]
Why don't we throw it over
the side with a bar of soap.
Hey, now, wait a minute.
Where's your Christmas spirit?
We're supposed to
be doing this for Vicki.
Oh, some present, man, the
dumb parrot doesn't even talk.
- And I think he bites.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
Enter-o!
- Good afternoon gentlemen.
- Sir.
Well, how's our parrot,
Gopher? Any problems?
Oh no sir, no problem,
he's a sweetheart.
Good, what words does he say?
Well, he doesn't say a thing
sir, he's all squawk, and no talk.
Not even "hello?"
I was promised a trained parrot.
What fun is a bird
that can't even talk?
Well, he's pretty. He's
got beautiful feathers.
- Yeah.
- If I wanted beautiful feathers,
I would have
ordered her a duster.
Hey, Gopher, I've
got a great idea.
Why don't we teach
the parrot how to talk?
What? Come on.
Hey, man, come on now, listen.
That's what Christmas
is all about, isn't it?
Doing something
nice for people you like.
Yes...
That would please the
Captain and Vicki, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah, but man, Christmas
is the day after tomorrow.
Well, maybe we
can teach it a carol.
[SQUAWKS]
Goodbye, dear.
Richard's gone to get a haircut.
Good. Bobby's rehearsing.
Now we can ask Julie.
- Oh, Julie?
- Hmm?
- Julie, we need your help.
- Okay.
Tonight, when Bobby's singing,
could you introduce his father from
the audience and get him up on stage?
Well, sure, but why?
The two of them stopped
talking to each other
when Bobby left the act
and went out on his own.
And we thought if we could get
them both back together on stage...
Oh, that's a great idea!
Oh, this is gonna
be a great Christmas.
Yeah.
Or maybe the beginning
of World War III.
[CHATTER]
Hi.
Oh... hi.
Hey, your father's over there.
Right. I've been
looking for him.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hm.
Hey, I'm starved. I
hope I'm not too late.
- Have you already ordered?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm waiting for a
friend to join me.
What am I? An enemy?
Let me show you the
disappearing aces trick.
I've got a better idea.
Why don't I show you the
disappearing Scotty trick.
Hey, you're funny.
How long you been
off your medication?
[CHUCKLES] Hi, gorgeous.
Say goodbye to Scotty.
He was just leaving.
Hey, why don't you
pull up another chair.
Scotty, man to man...
beat it before I belt you.
Okay.
Evidently, the little boy's father
has other plans for the evening.
Scotty, I'm gonna count to
three and if you're not gone,
I'm gonna play taps on your
head with the soup spoon.
Okay.
Okay.
I get the message.
Excuse me.
Young man.
One minute, please.
Me? I didn't do anything.
I know, but you
could do me a favor.
There's an empty place at my table,
and I'd appreciate it if you'd join me.
- But...
- I'd not only appreciate it, I insist.
[SCOTTY SIGHS]
This is Dr. Bricker.
- Hi, how are you?
- My daughter, Vicki.
- Hi.
- And you are?
Hungry.
[ALL LAUGH]
The name's Scotty.
Well, Scotty, I'm
glad you're hungry.
Santa doesn't bring presents to
children who don't eat their dinner.
- Well, hi.
- Hi, Julie.
Just took a stroll on deck.
- Oh?
- Yes, it's a beautiful night.
Yes.
The coast is clear.
Oh, wonderful. Come on, darling.
What are you gonna
get for Christmas?
Oh, me and my Dad
don't celebrate Christmas.
- He gives me presents all year around.
- Oh.
Where's Gopher?
Oh, I think he ate earlier.
He's probably in his cabin,
relaxing. [CLEARS THROAT]
[WHISTLES] Hello.
- [SQUAWKS]
- Hello.
- Hello. Hello - ♪
Jingle bells, jingle bells...
Would you stop with jingle bells,
I can't even make him say hello.
We're wasting our
time with him, man.
The captain bought
a dumb parrot.
You're a dumb parrot!
Oh, come on, now, we've
only been at it less than an hour.
- It takes time.
- You sure he's even supposed to be out?
Yeah, it says so
right here in the book.
GOPHER: He's looking at my
nose like it's a sunflower seed.
- What else does the book say?
- "Treat your bird like a friend."
Hey you want to
talk about girls?
"Make him feel secure."
How? Open a savings
account in his name?
Give him a year's
supply of worms?
The kind of security
they're talking about
is making him feel
loved and wanted.
I guess you're just not
using the right approach.
Oh, okay.
Then you make him
feel loved and wanted.
Let's see your approach.
Make him feel loved
and wanted. I dare you.
Oh. Okay.
Hey, brother man,
what's happenin'?
You got some pretty
feathers. Mm-hm.
Those are the most
beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
[SQUAWKS]
I think she's smiling.
Now, listen sweetheart,
this is all I want you to do,
is say, "Hey, baby."
Hey, baby.
Hey, baby.
Hey, baby.
I wish I had a picture of this.
[MELLOW JAZZ PLAYING]
There you are, my dearest.
Best seats in the house.
- My, you're in a good mood tonight.
- Why shouldn't I be?
It's Christmastime and
I'm with the one I love.
Oh.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight the Acapulco
Lounge proudly presents
the exciting and
talented Bobby Braddock!
[BAND PLAYING MELODY]
[APPLAUSE]
You knew about this!
Sit down.
♪ Sleigh bells ring
♪ Are you listening
♪ In the lane,
snow is glistening
♪ A beautiful sight,
we're happy tonight
♪ Walking in a winter wonderland
♪ In the meadow, we
can build a snowman
♪ Then pretend that
he is Parson Brown
♪ He'll say, are you married
♪ We'll say, no man
♪ But you can do the
job when you're in town
♪ Later on, we'll conspire
♪ As we dream by the fire
♪ To face unafraid
♪ The plans that we've made
♪ Walking in a winter wonderland
♪ Walking in a winter wonderland
♪ Walking in a winter
♪ Wonderland ♪
[APPLAUSE]
Ladies and gentlemen,
as you all know,
Bobby Braddock is
the second generation
of great stars in
the Braddock family.
But what you don't know,
and what Bobby doesn't know,
is that his father, Richard, is
here in the audience tonight.
[APPLAUSE]
Now, maybe we'll be able to
get him to come up on stage
and sing a song with his
son, would you like that?
[CROWD MURMURING]
[LOW CHATTERING]
Or maybe we'll
just all dance, huh?
[MELLOW JAZZ RESUMES]
Oh, Jeff... A kiss
in the moonlight,
and then a show,
now champagne...
How could you top
an evening like that?
Well, we'll, uh,
think of something.
[KNOCKING "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"]
Maybe it's my late
shift replacement.
Hi, Jeff.
Thought I'd give you
a chance to get even.
Gee, great, but
right now I'm busy.
Cathy and I would like to
spend a little time together.
You already spent time together.
I saw you two
kissing on the deck.
You did?
Yeah, well, we'd like to spend
a little more time together.
Gotcha, pal. Be
back in five minutes.
Wait. You're not
getting the picture.
It wasn't Julie's fault, Merrill.
She was just trying to help
get Bobby Braddock and
his father back together again.
It was a very nice
Christmas gesture.
The way it turned out, she
could have waited till Easter.
JEFF: Look, I can't
make it any clearer.
Beat it. Hm?
And please, don't come back.
Not tonight, I mean.
Cathy and I, uh...
want to be alone.
Okay. Sure, no problem.
- Great.
- No problem.
Check with me tomorrow. Okay?
Tomorrow.
Must be an epidemic on this ship,
fathers running out on their sons.
- Hi, Scotty.
- Oh, hi.
We couldn't help
but overhear it.
Oh, that? That's nothing.
Me and my father have
a great arrangement.
You're up kind of late, Scotty.
Where do you plan
to spend the night?
Oh, it's no big deal. I'll
just go somewhere else.
Absolutely not.
You'll spend the
night in my quarters.
Hey, I'm not a
kid, I can handle it.
Careful, if you disobey captains,
they make you walk the plank.
My cabin's this way.
[PARROT SQUAWKING]
Hat. Hat.
Book.
[SQUAWKS]
Shell.
Tie!
Isaac, this is no use,
he is not gonna talk.
Let's make a piñata out of him.
Wait, hold it, Gopher, I
think we're getting closer.
It's just like in the book says,
he'll talk faster if he's
around pleasant surroundings.
Hey, what can we do to make
these surroundings more pleasant?
Call in a decorator!
Talk!
[SQUAWKS]
Gopher, he's not a jailbird.
Neither am I! Look at me!
I'm sharing my room
with a squawking bird.
I'm losing sleep! I got
bird seed all over the floor!
- Wait, simmer down.
- No! No, this thing was wrong
right from the start! Right
from the start! Wrong!
Anybody who buys a parrot
that isn't trained is crazy!
Captain Stubing is a jerk!
PARROT [SQUAWKS]:
Captain Stubing is a jerk!
Captain Stubing is a jerk!
Congratulations, you
taught the bird how to talk.
PARROT: Captain
Stubing is a jerk.
Gopher Smith is unemployed!
PARROT: Captain
Stubing is a jerk.
You must've been
a good boy this year.
You sure got a lot of presents.
[LAUGHTER]
Those aren't for him.
Those are for giving.
Yeah, well,
Christmas... who cares?
- I do.
- Well, that's it.
Vicki, you go back to bed.
- Good night.
- Good night.
And you, young
man, you get into bed.
Bed? It's too early.
You can go to bed,
and I'll turn in later.
Go to bed.
All right.
Well, you can't go to
bed with your clothes on.
Why not? I always
sleep with my clothes on.
Saves time in the morning.
Get up, come on.
- You're gonna take your shirt off...
- I can undress myself...
- Gonna take your trousers off...
- Leave me alone!
My Lord.
Scotty, your back.
Hey, what's the big deal?
How did it happen?
Leave me alone.
Can't a guy get any
sleep around here?
Oh Bobby, we went through it
all a hundred times last night.
Your mother and I meant
well. It merely backfired.
Backfired? You mean, exploded.
Oh great, I'm gonna have fun
talking to you tomorrow, the next day...
- Good morning.
- Good morning Lil, Richard.
Bobby, you know
your father, don't you?
Sit down.
Your father is very sorry
about what happened last night.
Aren't you, Richard?
Aren't you, Richard?
- I made a mistake.
- See?
A mistake?
My own father walks out on
me in front of all those people.
That wasn't a mistake.
It was a disaster.
Look who's talking!
You're the expert
at walking out.
Or don't you remember the
act you ruined ten years ago
when you walked out on me!
I didn't walk out, I escaped.
And I wouldn't have had to
if you would have treated me
like a partner
instead of a... a child.
You're right, you
weren't a child.
A child would have shown
more respect for his father!
Well, I'm glad to see that after
ten years of not speaking to you,
I haven't missed a thing.
Some Merry Christmas
this is going to be.
- [SQUAWKS]
- GOPHER: Go to sleep.
[SOOTHING TONE] Sleep...
Go to sleep, your
eyelids are getting droopy.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Captain Stubing is a jerk.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Gopher, you're losing control.
This is not gonna work.
Give me my watch back.
No, no, I've seen
hypnotism work on people
who are trying to lose
weight and stop smoking.
All I have to do is put the bird
under, I can make him stop saying that.
Can't I? Go to sleep.
- Your feathers are getting tired.
- [SQUAWKS]
Your beak is getting tired.
Your whole body
is getting sleepy.
Sleep... [SQUAWKS]
- Isaac!
- Did it work?
Captain Stubing is a jerk.
Well, that answers
that question.
Isaac, what are
we gonna do, man?
Tonight is Christmas Eve.
The captain wants to give
the bird to Vicki tonight.
When we get to Mazatlan,
why don't we take
this parrot to a pet shop
and swap him for another one?
That's a great idea.
- That is a great idea!
- [LAUGHING]
Why didn't I think of that?
Because I'm the brawn
and you're the brain.
I bet I beat you this hand.
Gin.
Boy, you're a pushover.
Your old man's gonna end
up owing me this whole ship.
Adam, what happens
in a case like this?
Can an abused child be
taken away from his parents?
Well, that's out of my
province, Merrill. That's legal.
I sure would like to
have a look at the boy.
Good.
Meantime, Julie and
I will talk to his father.
Good idea.
Scotty.
Scotty, I want you to spend
some time with Dr. Bricker.
Julie and I are gonna
talk to your father.
Oh, no, um... I don't think
that's such a good idea.
I mean, uh, he's probably
not in his cabin right now.
And if he was, he'd,
um, probably be asleep,
and you better not wake him.
I'll handle it, Scotty. You
just stay with the doctor.
Come on, Scotty.
Don't worry, he's a good doctor.
Come on, you're not packing.
Because I'm not going
anywhere, and neither are you.
Oh, yes, I am.
I'm not staying on this ship
any longer than I have to.
I'm catching a flight home
tonight from Mazatlan.
Well, I'm going up on
deck and work on my tan.
In case you get sane enough to
change your mind all of a sudden.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hi, Lil, can I talk to
Richard for a moment?
Be my guest.
Maybe you can knock some
sense into that thick skull of his.
He's packing to leave.
In case I don't see you
tomorrow, Merry Christmas!
Oh, I hope you're not
gonna start in on me, too.
No, no, I came because
I owe you an apology.
I never should have set
you two up like that last night.
I'm sure Lil put you up to it.
No, it was actually my idea.
And I would think
you'd know why I did it.
I love your son, and it kills
me to see him unhappy.
What's he unhappy about?
He's rich, he's famous.
[SCOFFS] He's a big star.
I know.
But it doesn't mean a thing
to him without your love.
And I guess he'll never get it.
JULIE [OVER PA]:
Welcome to Mazatlan,
whose beautiful shops
and open air bazaars
are perfect for your
last-minute Christmas shopping.
- No, no, no flores.
- PARROT: Captain Stubing is a jerk.
No, no. No banderas.
No sombreros. No, no.
- No, no, no...
- [PARROT SQUAWKING IN SPANISH]
- Hola.
- Ah, buenos días.
Picked that up
from the birds, huh?
What can I do for
you today, señor?
I'm having a little trouble
with my parrot. My perico.
He talks all the time. He
says something I don't like.
I know how you feel.
My wife's the same way.
Yeah, well, listen, I want
to know if I can trade him.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Sure. I'll take your
parrot, you take my wife.
No, no, no, amigo.
I want to exchange my
parrot for one of yours.
No, sorry. No exchanges.
What would I do
with a used parrot?
What would I do
with a used wife?
- Adiós.
- Señor, how about a nice dog?
Watch this, señor.
Okay, Zippy, lie down.
See how he behaves?
- I live on a boat.
- Watch this. Don't get up!
- See? Perfectly trained.
- No, thanks.
- PARROT: Captain Stubing is a jerk.
- Shut your beak.
Captain Stubing is a jerk.
Señor, you know, sometimes,
if you leave a parrot
with other parrots that talk,
he may learn what they say
and stop saying the other thing.
- Is that true?
- Why would I lie?
Okay, listen to me,
this is what I want to do.
I want to leave him here for
a few hours and see, okay?
Ah, Io siento, señor.
I don't have room, I'm crowded.
I got two parrots on one
perch over here, I got three...
There's nothing I can do.
I like to help you señor,
but over here's just too...
- I just found room.
- Adiós.
No. No, no, no. No banderas, no.
There he is. Mr. Dalton?
May we have a word
with you please, alone?
Well, we were on
our way into Mazatlan.
This will only take a minute.
Sure, Captain.
- Uh, I'll wait for you inside, Jeff.
- Okay.
Thank you.
It's about Scotty.
Well, he's a great kid. I
got a real kick out of him.
Yeah, you sure have a
funny way of showing it.
Mr. Dalton, you shouldn't take your
personal problems out on the boy.
You'd better stop
neglecting him.
[EXHALES] What is this, some
kind of good neighbor lecture, or what?
Look, he gets in the way sometimes.
You just have to be firm with him.
Firm is one thing,
brutal is another.
What are you talking about?
Mr. Dalton, do you even know or
care where your son spent the night?
My son?
[CHUCKLES] Scotty's not my son.
I've never seen him before.
He just latched on to me.
- He's not?
- No.
Sir, do you think he
might be a stowaway?
Yes. And a runaway, judging
from what I saw last night.
Scotty is covered with bruises.
I'm sorry, I thought you
were responsible for them.
Oh, no. Well, maybe I can help.
Merrill, Scotty
gave me the slip.
I left him alone in my
examination room for a moment.
When I came back, he was gone.
May I sit down?
I ought to be mad
at you, you know.
[LAUGHS] Join the club.
Here. Here's a
Christmas present for you.
I know it's a little early,
but go ahead and open it.
Oh, Mom, I don't believe it.
All my reviews.
All my clippings, pictures.
My whole life.
Thanks, Mom.
Enjoy it.
Here's my first Vegas opening
The White House.
Oh, Dad and me on
the Ed Sullivan Show.
You were a terrific team.
We sure were.
And I'm not just talking about the
act, I'm talking about father and son.
Yeah, well, um, thanks
for the scrapbook, Mom.
It must have been a lot of
trouble, all that cutting and pasting.
It was a labor of love.
I appreciate it, I really do.
Well, don't thank me
for it. Thank your father.
Dad?
You mean, he did all this?
Your father loves you, Bobby.
It's just that he doesn't
know how to tell you.
You know something, Mom.
All the time I keep thinking
that, one of these days,
we're gonna be a family again.
Your father isn't getting
any younger, Bobby.
And one of these
days, you'll find out
that "one of these
days," is too late.
- Oh, Captain.
- Yes?
Here's the reply to
that cablegram you sent.
Scotty lives with
foster parents.
They reported him
missing the day we left LA.
Mm. I see this
isn't the first time
- the boy's been abused.
- No.
- Captain.
- Yes?
Excuse me, but has
Scotty turned up yet?
No.
I thought you were
going into Mazatlan.
Well, we couldn't
under the circumstances.
Read this.
Why doesn't the law
step in on cases like this?
Well, as a lawyer, Captain,
I can tell you, it's difficult
to separate unfit parents
from their children.
Even unfit foster parents?
Yes, it's difficult, but,
uh, not impossible.
Then there is a ray of hope.
- Julie.
- Yes, sir.
Have the stewards
make a cabin search.
I want to find that boy.
I want Scotty to have
a happy Christmas.
Yes, sir.
Hey mister, psst!
Want me to carry
your bag? Only a buck.
Well, the Steward's Union
must've lowered the working age.
Is that what your parents
brought you on the cruise for,
to hustle passengers for money?
Look mister, you want
to part with a buck, or not?
You're too old to carry that.
What is it with you kids?
Were children put on
earth to cause parents grief?
Us? Parents are the trouble.
Always hassling us,
always walking out on us,
never there when we need them.
Here.
You can carry my bag.
Thanks, mister.
Hey, this is a ten spot!
Yeah. Keep the change.
Thanks.
Mom? Dad? It's me, Bobby.
Come on, Dad, we can't
go on like this forever.
It's too late, Bobby.
Your father's gone home.
[SIGHS] I'm sorry, Mom.
It'll be the first Christmas
we've been apart in 35 years.
- I hope this worked, man.
- Hey, don't worry.
I'm sure the guy in the pet shop
knew what he was talking about.
PARROT: Captain
Stubing is a jerk.
Captain Stubing is a jerk.
Captain Stubing is a jerk.
- Taxi!
- Wait a minute.
Buenos días!
Buenos días!
ALL PARROTS: Captain Stubing
is a jerk. Captain Stubing is a jerk.
Buenos días!
Buenos días!
Go, señor!
Go! Out! Out!
PARROTS [OVERLAPPING]:
Captain Stubing is a jerk!
Buenos días!
Buenos días!
JULIE [OVER PA]: We'll be
leaving Mazatlan in 30 minutes.
Don't forget our Christmas Eve
Party tonight in the Acapulco Lounge.
How can a kid just
disappear into thin air?
Damn, I wish we could find him.
Poor thing. He's
probably scared to death.
When I was a kid, we
never had much money,
but I always knew
my parents loved me.
Well, I guess love is
something Scotty missed.
And we found.
Boy, you guys kiss enough.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the
disappearing card shark himself.
You looking for me, Jeff?
We've all been looking for you.
Where in the heck have you been?
Oh, I've been having fun.
This is a big ship,
plenty of things to do.
[SIGHS] You had us
worried to death, Scotty.
Scotty, we have to talk.
- [APPLAUSE]
- Ever play solitaire gin before?
I won four hundred
bucks off myself.
Scotty, I know you're a runaway.
Runaway? Ha!
My parents sent me on
this cruise. I'm a rich kid.
I come from a great family.
Scotty, I know about the bruises,
and I know what they're from.
So I got a few bruises.
I been playing football.
Rough sport, right, sport?
Yeah, it's rough, all right.
Well, I guess I was
wrong about you.
I thought I could help you a
little bit, but you don't need me.
You've got everything
under control, right?
See you around, kid.
Jeff. No, wait.
I've been bad, Jeff. I've
been really bad, and I'm sorry.
I deserve to be punished.
No you don't.
Like that old guy said,
"Kids are nothing but grief."
Wrong, sometimes
it's the parents.
Mine are mean, Jeff.
I don't want to go back.
They hurt me.
And I'm scared. [SOBS]
Well, sometimes things get too
big for a guy to handle by himself.
And that's when
he needs a friend.
But I don't have any friends.
Oh yes, you do.
You're looking at one.
Make that two.
And together, the three of
us are gonna handle this.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you very much.
You know, Christmas is the
most beautiful time of the year.
The smell of pine
needles on the tree,
the crackling of
a log on the fire,
and the sound of
little children laughing.
Most of all, it's a
family time of the year.
I've been very lucky in that
respect, because I have a loving wife,
and a beautiful mother.
And, of course, you all know
my father, whom I love very much.
He can't be here tonight,
but I'd like to do this song,
as kind of a... oh, a special
Christmas card to him.
And to all of you.
[BAND PLAYING "THE
DONKEY SERENADE"]
[VOCALIZING]
♪ There's a song in the air
♪ But the fair señorita
♪ Doesn't seem to care
♪ For the song in the air
- ♪ So I...
- RICHARD: ♪ So I sing to the mule
- ♪ If you're sure she
won't think - [APPLAUSE]
♪ I am but a fool
♪ Serenading a mule
♪ Amigo mio, does she
not have a dainty bray?
♪ She listens carefully
to each little tune you play
♪ Sí, sí, mi muchachito,
♪ She'd love to sing it
too if only she knew the way
♪ But try as she may
♪ In her voice, there's a flaw
♪ And all that the lady can say
♪ Is "Ee-aw!"
[SUSTAINING NOTE]
[SINGING SAME NOTE]
[BOTH SINGING NOTE]
♪ Señorita donkeycita
♪ Not so fleet as un mosquito
♪ But so sweet like my chiquita
♪ You're the one for me
♪ You're the one for me ♪
BOTH: Olé!
[APPLAUSE]
Merry Christmas, son.
Merry Christmas, Dad.
- JULIE: Isaac? This is for you.
- STUBING: Oh, I thought that was yours.
- Thank you, that's for you, Julie.
- Thank you.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- Where's Gopher?
Oh, I, uh... I called him, and
he said he'd be here in a minute.
Shhh! Shh.
Look, I know we've had
trouble communicating,
but do me a favor and
keep your mouth shut.
My life depends on it.
Ho, ho, ho, look what Santa
just crammed down my chimney.
[ALL CHATTERING]
- Thank you, thank you.
- Not at all, sir.
Vicki, this is a present
from your loving father.
Merry Christmas.
I wonder what it is?
- [CHUCKLING]
- A parrot!
- [SQUAWKING]
- Just what I wanted. Thank you, Dad!
- Does it talk?
- BOTH: No!
- [SQUAWKS]
- Not yet, but we have to teach it.
Well, that'll be fun.
- Hello...
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
Hello... Hello...
Don't worry, honey, you
can teach it. It just takes time.
Well, it's not that,
Dad. I love the parrot.
I was just thinking
about Scotty.
I'll bet he's never had a great
Christmas present like this.
I don't think he has.
Isn't the real spirit
of Christmas "giving"?
Mm-hm.
Would you be upset if I
gave Scotty my parrot?
- Swell idea!
- That's a good idea!
Oh, Gopher, I
forgot your present.
[SQUAWKS] Captain
Stubing is a jerk.
- What was that?
- I said...
[MIMICS PARROT] Captain
Stubing loves to work!
Oh... I think I'll take
this to Scotty right now.
That's a good idea! Here we go!
Gopher, Vicki, just a minute.
Merry Christmas to the
best crew, the best friends...
and the loveliest daughter
a man could ever ask for.
Merry Christmas to you too, sir.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, Julie.
- Yes.
Thank you very much. It
turned out to be a lovely time.
It sure did. As
a matter of fact,
Dad and I decided not
to speak for another year
- so we can come back again.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Just promise you'll sing.
- Both of you.
- You can count on it.
- I hope Santa Claus was good to you.
Oh, he certainly was.
I got the greatest Christmas
gift a father could ask for.
But how do you gift wrap a son?
[LAUGHTER]
Well, thanks for
sailing with us.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Well, Captain Santa. It's been
a wonderful Christmas cruise.
- Thanks.
- That goes for all you Santas.
Ah, thank you.
I hope everything
works out for you, Scotty.
Well, if things work
out the way I hope,
I'll have an instant family.
Thanks for the parrot,
Vicki. You're a good chick.
Thanks.
- Bye-bye.
- Don't worry.
I taped his mouth
shut till we get home.
Captain, about Scotty's fare.
Oh, it's all been taken care of.
- Thanks, Santa.
- Not this Santa.
That Santa.
[SAYING FAREWELLS]
Thanks, Big Spender.
And Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas!
ALL: Merry Christmas!