The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 3, Episode 25 - Celebration/Captain Papa/Honeymoon Pressure - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run

♪ The Love Boat

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard it's love ♪

(upbeat music playing)


- Hello.
- We're the Lowrys.

We're on, uh,
Promenade suite 103.

Yes, you are. Welcome aboard.

They are good
accommodations, aren't they?

Only the most super
ritzy suite on board.

That's good enough for us.

- Thank you.
- You bet.

They look like they're
going to have fun.

Yeah, but you know something?

I know that guy.

He works in the bank
right around the dock area.

Oh? Have you been mingling
with the financial biggies now?

He's not a biggy.
He's a guard there.

- One of the guards?
- Yeah.

(slow theme music)

Hmm, and he's taken the most
expensive suite on the ship?


I hope you didn't have
money in that bank.

It might be headed for Mexico.

(dramatic music)

Thanks again, Dad.

The perfect wedding.

I only wish your mother
had been here to see this.

Mark, you have a wonderful
girl. You look after her.

You don't even have to ask.

I'm not asking you.

I'm telling you.

Enjoy your honeymoon, children.

Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye fellas.

Oh, you don't have to bother
fellas, really, I can carry it.

Fellas. Fellas, come on.

I don't want to trouble you.

Well, it's no trouble,
kid. It's right on the way.

Yeah. We're right
next door to you.

But I...

You two are going
to be on the boat?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

In the next cabin?

In the adjoining.

We figured you didn't want
us in your room, would you?

(theme music)

Any sign of that
child welfare worker?

No, not yet.

How's the captain doing?

Well, considering the custody
of Vicki is going to be decided

in the next few days,
I'd say pretty well.

You don't think they'll take
Vicki away from him, do you?

Hey, no negative thoughts.

Has anyone here
seen that Ms., uh, Ms...

- Stoddard.
- Stoddard, yes. Thank you.

Gopher, straighten your tie.

Apart from hysterical,
you look great.

Vicki, where's Vicki?

Julie's bringing her.
Now, stop worrying.

Believe me, once
that welfare woman

sees you and Vicki together...

On a ship, a cruise ship?

Don't forget I'm a single man.
That's two strikes against me.

- Here they are.
- Hmm?

Stay with me.

I need all the help I can get.

Well, my, my, my.

Aren't we pretty?

Captain Merrill, do I have
to wear this weird outfit?

And nobody wears
white gloves today

unless they've got
poison ivy. It's gross.

Well, look at me.
I'm all gussied up.

Out of respect and courtesy
to this Miss Stoddard.

Well, personally, I think
you both look ravishing.

I feel like Shirley Temple.


Hey, here she comes.

(theme music)

Hi, I'm...

I'm sorry, ma'am. We're in
the middle of a crisis here.

Boy, talk about typecasting.

Anybody need a
child welfare worker?

The wicked witch of
the west has arrived.

Knock it off.

Uh, Ms. Stoddard,
I'm Captain Stubing.

Sailor, where's your bar?

I got a hangover
that won't quit.

I need some oxygen on the rocks.

Through those doors to the left.

That's Ms. Stoddard?

Well, only if there
are two of us.

I'm Susan Stoddard, the
wicked witch of the west.

Oh, welcome aboard.

Thank you.

I take it this is Vicki?

Yes, ma'am.

Could you and Vicki
and I have a little talk

after we get underway?

I look forward to it.


See you later.


Well, what do you think?

She's nice, isn't she?

Come on, Vicki, uh, let's
get ready for that interview.

Come on now, guys. Let's think.

Did we miss anything?

Is there anything else we
could have possibly done

to get off to a
really bad start?

(ship's horn blowing)

(theme music)

(beeping) BEN:
Ground ball, you're out.

I beat him again.

- You want to play me, Mark?
- No.

Mark, would you like to come
in the water? It's really nice.

Not just now.
Maybe in a little while.

Go on. Go on. Have fun.

That's why we dragged
you out of the cabin.

Are you two going to stay this
close to us for the whole trip?

We know what you're thinking.
You got nothing to worry about.

We ain't never going to
let you out of our sight.

Listen, Mark, we love
that little girl you married.

You understand? We've been
taking care of her all her life.

So just relax and enjoy. Hmm?

Thank you.

We'll take it.

Fine. I'll put it
in a box for you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Did you look at the price?

Well, I'm sorry, Betsy, but
I'm afraid you have no choice.

You see, we in the
banking business,

simply cannot allow our
wives to appear in public

unless they are
spiffed up in the latest.

- Hold that, dear.
- You're too much.

(bright music)

Brand new bills. All hundreds.

Are you sure he was
only a guard at that bank?

I've seen him wearing a
uniform, carrying a gun.

A gun, huh?

Well, it sure looks
like he used it.

CLERK: Here you are.
Thank you very much.

Thank you.

You know, I think we also
have the shawl to match.


Well, we'll take that too.

Good. I'll try and find
it and let you know.

Fine. We're Mr. and Mrs. Lowry.

Promenade suite 103.


Why didn't you ask him if
you could check his bag?

Could have been messy.


May have his gun with him.

I see.

(lounge music)

I promise I'll take
care of it right away.

- Excuse me, Miss McCoy.
- Yes.

Would it be possible
to change cabins?

Oh, I'm sorry. We're sold
out. Is something wrong?

I was hoping that there
might be something

in another part of the ship.

See, next door
I've got these two...

Uh, excuse me, Miss,
but I would like to point out

that this chap is
on his honeymoon.

And as he is taken,
he is no longer available

to members of the
opposite sex, mainly girls.

- Oh, if you think that I...
- Excuse us, please.

We would like to have
a word with the groom.

Wait a minute.
What are you doing?

I recommend silence
hopefully voluntarily.

Yeah. What he means is
that enforced silence, uh,

makes for unpleasantries.

Young groom, look out there
and tell me what you see.

The ocean.

That's right. And tell me, what
is at the bottom of the ocean?



Radial tires.

Among other things.

And uh, various and
sundry nameless persons

who have met with
an untimely demise.

Now, I urge you to remember
that you are a newly married man.

Female distractions are
definitely a thing of the past.

Marriage has obligations.

Your job is to fulfill
those obligations.

Yeah, and our job is to
make sure you do your job.


(theme music)

VICKIE: I don't get it.

He's my Dad. I'm his daughter.
We want to be together.

Why does someone
else have to decide?

Vicki, that's the
way things are.

Well, Ms. Stoddard,
I... I hope you don't let a

smattering of boisterous
revelers or the fact

that the ship has been called
the Love Boat influence you.

Our cruises are dedicated
to quiet relaxation

and the healthy sea air.

You're kidding?

I'm selling the most
important thing in my life.

(sentimental music)

Oh, I knew it. He
fell right into her trap.

He's being honest with her.

Eavesdropping. Disgraceful.

- Shh.
- Shh.

Ms. Stoddard's in there.

Excuse me.

SUSAN: Please, relax.

And Vicki, at ease.
I'm not the fuzz.

I'm only here to observe.

There's no way I'd be better
off then with Captain Merrill.

Yeah, but I've got
to see that for myself

and report to the court.

See, now for instance,

I have to be sure that you're
getting a proper education.

That's no problem, Ms. Stoddard.



Julie, our chief petty officer,

has a graduate
degree in education.


She's Vicki's instructor.

CAPTAIN: Sometimes on
occasion if necessary, Doc, Julie,

the whole crew helps.

We do?

Sure, I have, so has Doc.

And, from now on,
we're all going to pitch in,

do anything we can
to really sell this thing.

So just, uh, be yourselves.

Act naturally.

You know, that's not
an easy thing to do.

Sure it is.

All you have to do
is the impossible.

Pretend I'm not here.

Well, now, I'm
just going to, uh,

wander around on my own
for a little while. All right?

She's leaving!

(relaxing music)

Captain Merrill, we really
need her approval, don't we?

Yes, honey, we do.

Okay, then we'll get it.

JULIE: We will, Vicki.
Don't you worry. We will.

You were all outside listening?

Well, we wanted to
save you the trouble

of having to fill us in.

That's very thoughtful of you.

Education. Remember, she
was very explicit about education.

That'll be tough, though,

because I think I already
taught you guys all I know.

(theme music)

Actually, we have more
than singles on board.

Elderly vacationers,

Primarily family people.

Nothing out of the
ordinary ever happens.

It's all very wholesome.

Ah, you know, Ralphie,
this is the life, huh?

You and me ought to go
on a honeymoon more often.

Yeah, I'm glad we're here.

You know, when you told
me we was going on a cruise,

I never dreamed it
would be like this.

Uh, let me show you the bridge.

(sentimental music)

Well, here's one of our
largest rivers, the Mississippi.

That's the Missouri,

and I learned all that
in the fourth grade.

Then consider it a review.

Here she comes. Review. Review!

- Hi, Ms. Stoddard.
- Hello.

- Captain Merrill.
- Hello.

Hello, Vicki, Gopher.


The world's largest
rivers, Mississippi, Amazon,

Nile, Congo.

That's very good.


Thank you.

I pride myself on my ability

to instill knowledge
in young people.

Vicki, next time I want you
to list the oceans of the world,

the seas, the
mountains, volcanoes

and all the natural wonders.

Natural wonders?

Oh, yeah, you know,
Niagara Falls, and um,

Tower of Pisa and Dolly Parton.

A little humor.

A teacher's tool.

Shall we?

Doc, the guy carrying a black
bag around called you. Why?

No idea.

I got it.

During the get
away from the bank,

he probably got a bullet in him,

and he needs a
quack to save his life.

I... I mean, a real
good licensed quack.

They seem like a
very nice couple.

So did Bonnie and Clyde.

Doc, try and get a
look in the satchel,

but be careful, he's
probably carrying a gun.

Doctor, come in.

My wife was just recently
discharged from the hospital.

Our doctor at home suggested
I give the ship's doctor

this paper explaining
her condition just in case.

But he said I was
really doing fine.

There was no reason for
me not to come on the cruise.

I agree. You seem
to be doing great.

We just had to get away.

Oh, doctor, let me
show you something.

Just to be on the safe side.

Emergency oxygen.

I carry it every place we go.

(sentimental music)

Feel free to call me anytime.


(in gangster voice) I
saw what was in the bag.


Precisely 0, oxygen.

A small emergency tank.

You see, Bonnie has
a respiratory problem,

so Clyde carries oxygen.

You got it.

That still doesn't
explain how a bank guard

is able to afford a luxury
suite and shopping spree.

(calm theme music)

Oh, Vicki, that's very good.

That's very good.

Now, for your homework, I want
you to diagram the sentences

in the first three
chapters of this book

and you can use these
books as references, okay?

Bye bye.

- Thanks a heap.
- Uh-huh.


- Hi.
- Hi.


Hi, Julie.

As you can see, Vicki sure
carries a study load, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Pretty soon she'll
be needing a shopping cart.

Uh, doesn't she ever
get time for, uh, exercise?



Oh, sure. We recreate
her all the time.

One for the doctor,
one for the nurse,

one for the lady with
the alligator purse.

Okay, now, red hot pepper.

Can we quit now?

I'm exhausted.

So am I and I'm only watching.

(dramatic music)

(theme music)

How do I look?

Absolutely beautiful.

I love you, honey.

I adore you.

Why don't we order dinner here?

We're all dressed.

But then again...
(knock on door)

Hey, you decent?

Well, how do I look gents, huh?

Like a regular David Niven?

Are you ready for dinner?

Go ahead. We're
having dinner here.

Hey, good idea.
Call room service.

It'll be fun for all of us.

Never mind. Let's go.

(reflective music)

Oh, should we go ahead and see

if they found that
matching shawl?

Aren't you
overdoing it a little?

Oh, now honey, I thought we
both agreed that for one week

in our life we weren't
going to think about money.

We're all right.

I've got plenty to see
us through the whole trip.

All right.

Miss, did you locate that
shawl you were telling us about?

Not yet, Mr. Lowry,
but I'm still checking.

Oh, fine.

Now that's something
we have to have.

A diamond ring?

Not just a diamond ring, a
diamond engagement ring.



Would you show us this
diamond ring, please?

The one in the green box there.


We've been married 30 years.

And all that time you've never
had a diamond engagement ring.

That's something I
always wanted you to have.

How much is it?

Seven hundred and fifty dollars.

Gordon, $750?

We have some
almost identical ones

with zircons for around $50.

No, thank you.

We waited this long.

We're not going to settle for
anything but the genuine article

because you're
the real thing, Betsy.

I don't want anything but
the real thing on your finger.

(sentimental music)

You can sign
for it if you prefer.

Oh, no thank you.
I'd rather pay cash.

- There you are.
- Thank you.

Oh, it's beautiful, Gordon.
I love it. I just love it.

Well, that's all that matters.

And no more coffee for me, pal.

Keeps me awake all night.

You ought to have
some though, Mark.

You didn't have
much to eat, Mark.

I'm not really very hungry.

Understandable. He's nervous.

What's he got to
be nervous about?

Drink your coffee.

I'm not having coffee.

Order some.

Honey, why don't we turn in?

Why don't we?

Hey, that's a good
idea. It's been a long day.

Why don't we all turn in?

A toast to the lovely bride
and a wonderful anniversary.

ALL: Happy anniversary.

I knew that dress would
be just perfect on you.

You look beautiful.

You have the most
romantic husband.

Oh, he's been full
of surprises lately.

Like this cruise.

Last week out of the blue,
he came home with our tickets.

Something we never could afford.

This silly man went out
and sold his coin collection

and here we are.

Sold his coin collection?

Well, it was a hobby
I'm tired of anyway.

I told him people would think he
robbed a bank where he works.

Oh, nobody in his right mind
would ever think that, huh?


What a dumb thing.

Well, if you all
would excuse us,

I'm going to take my bride
for a stroll in the moonlight,

which may lead
to who knows what.

Gordon, you haven't paid
for the champagne yet.

- Hmm?
- The champagne.


Would you ask the waiter
to put it on my tab, please?


Good night.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

You're just going to
love the food. It's wild.

Is that on the menu too?

Uh, honeymooners.


We see a lot of that.

- In fact, there was a couple...
- Uh, there's our crew.

This way.


Oh, the booze.

Oh, that waiter got the
drinks mixed up again.

Excuse me. Mine's
the cranberry juice.

Ladies, your champagne.

Julie, here's your iced tea.

Thank you, Doc.

Hey, wait a minute.
How about me?

- You can share with Julie.
- Right.

Vicki, uh, why don't
you go to the table.

We'll join you in a minute.

Yes, sir, Captain. I'm starving.

My... romance abounds
on this ship, doesn't it?

Oh, people just tend to be
friendlier at sea, right mates?

You mean, it's all sort
of eat, drink and be merry

for tomorrow we dock?

Well, people have been
known to eat, drink, etc.

On dry land, too.

Yes, but on a ship like this,
it's practically all you see.

Do you think that's a suitable
background for a child?

What about her role models?

Oh, that's us.
You're looking at him.

See, cranberry juice.

The only thing I
drink, lemonade.

But there's one other problem.

Even though there
are children on the ship,

they don't make for
lasting relationships.

The risk is Vicki
living in an adult world

without someone of
her own mental age level.

You're forgetting Gopher.

Well, uh, we'll
see you all later.


Captain, I... please, don't
think that I'm not aware

of how difficult
this is for you.

But it is such an
unusual situation.

Uh, let me have a little talk
with Vicki alone tomorrow?

Certainly, certainly.

Right now, that's
enough of that.

Now, please get me to our table.

I would like to take
off my witch's hat

and have a double
vodka on the rocks.

(theme music)

BEN: He checks the bag
and then checks the base.

No hitter.

No hitter, Ralphie.

RALPHIE: Oh, yeah? This
one goes into the seats.

BEN: You need a tennis racquet.

RALPHIE: I'm gonna
clobber this one.

Darling. Come to bed.
(video game beeping)

Honey, I can't. I just can't.

I love you.

And I know you love me.

So, what's wrong?

BEN: Hey, there it is.

Along fly ball!

And I'm out.

That's eight games
in a row, Ralphie.

That's what's wrong.

You got two dummies
in there cheering,

and I feel like
we're honeymooning

in the middle of Yankee Stadium.

Can't you ignore them?

You've been around
them all your life.

Maybe you can tune
them out, but I can't.

I'm sorry, Mark.

I'm sorry too, honey.

I booked this trip
months in advance.

I wanted the
honeymoon to be perfect.

But I just can't deal with
them. (video game beeps)

BEN: Fast ball.
Nice pitch. Nice pitch.

RALPHIE: Yeah. Put
something on it this time.

All right, throw me
a curve ball, huh?

Good night, Mark.

(somber music)

three. You're out!

(theme music)

I feel like I'm
still in a dream.

That's something we
should have done years ago.

Uh, you wait too long,
sometimes it can end up

your medicine will weigh
more than your luggage.

I can't wait to tell my
sister all about this.

She's always showing off to me.

Well don't wait.
Give her a call.

From here?

Oh, it's easy.

My wife would like to make

a ship to shore
telephone call, please.

Oh, no problem.

Uh, will you bill it to my room?


Oh, Mr. Lowry, I found
that matching shawl.

Oh, fine. Did you
hear that, Betsy?

I'll be over in a few
minutes and sign for it.

CLERK: Okay.

I thought you didn't
want to charge things?

Well, I... I don't have
my wallet on me.

Here's your
telephone, all right?

Thank you, Isaac.


You talk as long as you want.

I'm going to pick up the shawl.

(dramatic music)


Good morning, Terri.

And where is our young groom?

Too tired to partake of
the sun and fun, heh?

And how is the
honeymoon going, kitten?

It's okay.

It's okay?

Your honeymoon is perfect.

It's spectacular, sometimes
out of this world, but never okay.

Now, what is the problem?

Just that...

Oh, never mind.

Hey, Terri, you can
tell us what happened.

What happened?

Nothing happened.




Excuse us.

Hey, good morning, Mark.

You've got time for a word here?

- Fe||as, I'm not in the mood...
- Hey, hey.

We have become
aware of, uh, a disparity

in your recently
acquired relationship.

Look, I don't
think that's any...

Shh. I suggest you just listen.

The arm you save
may be your own.

Now you see, son, when
you married our little Terri,

you entered into a contract

which carries with it
the responsibility of

post nuptialization,
you understand?

Yeah, you're duty bound
to engage in husbandry.

Now, I for one, understand
the nature of your difficulty

and that my sister Teresa's
husband had the same problem.

May he rest in peace.

So, uh, commence the honeymoon.

(dramatic music)

Daily exercise. Healthy
body means healthy mind.

This is fun.

Faster, Vicki, faster. We're
trying to build up your lungs.

Great! I'll have healthy
lungs and a broken body.

(theme music)

Here we go, Mr. Smith.

Thank you, sir.

Excuse me, Captain.


I wondered if I might speak
to you for a moment alone.


- Excuse us.
- Uh-huh.

I understand congratulations
are in order on your engagement.

Oh, thank you.

How can I help you?

You know, Captain,
for years my wife and I

used to watch this
ship leave the harbor.

We could see the
harbor from our window.

We always said to each other,
"someday we're going too."

I'm glad you finally did.

Well, it took a real
jolt to wake me up.

I almost lost her
here a while ago,

but that made me
realize that, well,

how risky it was to put
your "somedays" off too long.

It certainly is.

Now, the real clincher was,
one day down at the bank

a lawyer was in the vault there
cleaning out the box of a client

who passed away, I guess.

I could see his money laying
there in the box and his jewelry

and what not
things that you knew

he'd never get a chance to use.

So the next day I went
down, and I got my box out

and I cleaned everything out
of it and spent it on this trip.

Best move I ever made too.

Instead of a tin
box full of junk,

we had our hearts full of
memories enough to last forever.

I can't think of a
better investment.

There is a problem,
though, Captain.

I've been running up some
bills on ship board, and...

I... I don't have the
money to pay 'em.


That is a problem.

I was doing all right.
I was doing fine.

I had plenty of money until
I bought that diamond ring.

The minute I saw
that diamond ring,

I knew Betsy had to have it.

Does she know?

Oh, no. No, no. She
must never know.

That's what I was hoping
that you could help me with.

I hoped that maybe I could
pay it off a little bit at a time

for a month?

I suppose arrangements
could be made.

No write off, Captain. I
want to pay every dime.

I just want to know that
when I look at that diamond

I know it's clear and clean.


I'm sorry for the
trouble I've caused you

after you being so
nice to us and all.

I can imagine what
you must think of me.

(sentimental music)

- Gopher.
- Sir.

I want you to reassign
Mr. and Mrs. Lowry's table

to someone else.

And find two places
for them at my table.

They'll be my special guests.

Yes, sir.

You're not going to keep
me out of the celebration.

And if anyone ever asks
why we call this the Love Boat,

I'm going to tell them about
a certain two passengers

we once had aboard who
made the meaning of the words

very, very clear.

Thank you, Captain.

(theme music)

(fifties sleuth music)

Hey, you the doc?

Uh, yes.

Hi, can I help you?

Well, you see, Doc, we would
like to discuss with you, uh,

how would you call it?

Uh, frustration due
to lack of fulfillment.

Oh, it ain't us, Doc. We
are totally fulfilled people.

Yeah, right.

But let us suppose there
was this honeymoon couple

who was having these problems.

Oh, I see.

Uh, hypothetical couple.

Hypo what?

Uh, make believe.

What's their problem?

Uh, well you see, the
party of the first part,

the alleged groom is not
meeting up with his conjugal duties.

Yeah, we have been
guiding this said groom

urging him along the
road to honeymoonism.

I see.

Well, it's very decent
of you to show concern.

However, it's possible for
him to mistake this concern

for pressure and
too much pressure

can inhibit a man's libido.

Well, I wouldn't
want to do that.

Whatever that is.

It sounds to me
like what's needed

is a little less pressure
and a little more romance.

Romance, yeah, yeah.

Gentlemen, this
is the Love Boat.

Just let him soak up some
of this romantic atmosphere.

You'll see. He'll be a new man.

That's right. Thanks,
Doc. Come on, Ben.

We've got an
appointment with Cupid.

(theme music)

Oh, what a glorious evening.

Imagine having dinner
at the captain's table.

Wait until she lays
that one on her sister.

No, really though, Captain,

we can't thank you enough
for this wonderful evening.

It's my pleasure. It's an
honor to have you here.

Besides, I wanted Ms.
Stoddard to meet you both.

Well, I've enjoyed it.

And I just love your ring.

I've been staring at
it all through dinner.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

And now young lady, I think
it's time you and I had our talk.

SUSAN: All right?

If you'll you all excuse us?


SUSAN: Good night.

Good night.

DOC: Good night.

It is a beauty, isn't it?

Wait a minute. That
doesn't look like the diamond.

That stone wasn't
nearly this large.

Gordon, it's just
your imagination.

No, he's right. It is bigger.

DOC: Gopher.

GOP HER: No, I saw
them in the store window.

The diamond is smaller.

It's a phony.

If there's been a mistake,
I'm sure it can be rectified.

You wait until I
get my hands on...

Gordon, wait!

If you'll excuse me, there's
something I have to do.

Fling myself overboard.

Wait, I'll help you.

Gordon, Gordon, don't go.

Don't you try to stop me, Betsy.

She probably thought
we were such old fossils

we wouldn't even
notice a difference.

She tried to pull a fast one.

No, Gordon.

She didn't pull the fast one.

I pulled the fast one.

I exchanged the ring.

You did?

But why?

Because you're the most
wonderful husband in the world.

You know, when you love
a man, you get to know him.

And I knew it wasn't
like you to charge things.

I figured that buying the ring
had used up our money so

I exchanged it to this and
paid the bills with the difference.

I always wanted you to have
a diamond, a real diamond.

For 30 years, I wanted a
diamond more than anything,

but now, this is the ring I want

because every time I look at it,

it will remind me of
all the things you did

to make this cruise and my
life so full of wondrous things.

It will always mean more to
me than any diamond ever could.



(theme music)

And I like cartoons and
comic books and my dolls

and Walt Disney movies and...

um, oh yeah, and I hate boys
and I think Twinkies are yummy.

Is that enough?

That's enough of that.

Oh, come on, Vicki.

Tell me what you really like.

The Captain, the crew, the ship.

Can I level?

I want you to.

Then how about I take back
the part about liking Twinkies?

Personally, I love 'em.

You mean, I blew it again?

Vicki, Vicki, you're
not blowing anything.

I just have to find out if
you're happy living like this.

All I know is how unhappy I'd
be if I had to live any other way

or anywhere else.

I mean, without the Captain.

I love him so much.

Why can't I just give
him custody of myself?

I'm afraid it's just
not that simple.

Then would you consider a bribe?


(sentimental music)

Come on.

Hello, hello.

Just sit down right over
here, right this way please.

I have a big surprise for you.

Ralph, I hope this isn't
going to take long...

Honey, honey, just indulge me.

The surprise is going to be
very pleasurable, I assure you.

Excuse me.


(romantic violin music)

Is this romantic, eh?


Be still my foolish heart.

It's enough to stir the savage
in any red-blooded man.

Here, here.

Now, a toast to the beautiful
bride on a night meant for love.

Oh, gee, those poor kids
haven't been alone for a second.

They wouldn't happen to be
honeymooners, would they?


They've been joined at the
hip by those two Neanderthals.

I wish there was some
way we could help them.

Maybe medical science
can supply the answer.


(violin music continues)


Boy, it's been a long day, hey?

Time for bed, Mark.

Yeah. Why don't we
all hit the sack, huh?

Uh, gentlemen,
excuse me, please.

May I speak with you just a
moment? It's very important.

Uh, that young man
you were sitting with,

is he the hypothetical

Yeah, why?

You didn't tell me about his
sad eyes, his lack of energy,

his generally morose.

His problems not
just psychological.

There's a very real
reason for his lagging libido.

He is suffering from

Poop-poop-a what?

kills the male drive.

It's highly contagious.


How long have you
been exposed to him?

Counting the
courtship, maybe a year.

A year.

Why, Doc?

Can you have touched the tip
of your nose with your tongues?

You've suffered considerable
loss of tongue extension.

What are you saying,
Doc? What are you saying?

You mean we got the poop-poop?

Oh, there's still a
chance of reversal,

but prolonged exposure to the
carrier can only make it worse.

Your only hope, now
even then I really don't...

- What, what?
- Come on, tell us, Doc!

Your only hope is to
stay away from him.

Oh, we wouldn't go near him.

But you're in the
next cabin, aren't you?

Well, not anymore.
We'll get our blankets.

- We'|| sleep on deck.
- Yeah, sure.

Good. You made a
very wise decision.

(jazz music)

(theme music)

Vicki, how'd it go?

I ruined everything.

I got panicky and fell apart.

There, there, there.

It's not that bad.

Are they going to take
me away from you?


It's all my fault.

Everyone tried
so hard to help me.

And I wouldn't listen.

Baby, baby, baby.

Don't give up hope.

Haven't you?

(dramatic music)


I love you.


on. Move it, move it!

BEN: Grab those blankets.

Okay. I've had it. That's it.

One way or another,
they're leaving!

I want you out of here!

You, you got it.

That's great because
I'm tired... What?

In two seconds,
we're out of here.

Just don't come
any closer, okay?

- All right.
- Please.

Stay out or else.

(theme music)

Well, she should be
by any minute now.

Well, what's it all about?

All I know is she
wanted to see all of us.

We'll be getting in
tomorrow morning,

and I guess she's going
to give us the verdict.

Did she give any indication?

That lady is ice.

Captain Merrill, you're
not going to let her...?

If I hadn't come up of zilch,
blubbering and sniffling.

I blew it.

No, Vicki, you didn't
blow it. We all did.

(knock on door)

(sentimental music)

Susan, some “1.


Well, I won't mince words.

I want you to know the
decision I've made and why.

I think we can probably
all guess at that, Susan.

Her school work
is much too heavy.

Her recreation is like
training for the Olympics.

Most important, her environment.

It's too unbalanced.

Too one-sided.

She doesn't spend much time
mixing with the passengers.

I'm not talking about
them. I'm talking about you.

All of you.


That's right.

What do you mean, us?

You are too perfect.

Straight laced, prudish.

You, captain, are
the soul of integrity.

I most assuredly am
not the soul of integrity.

I'll second that.

I resent that perfect
character business.

And I certainly am not
straight laced or prudish.

Well, you all could
have fooled me.

But you didn't.

I saw through your
Charade from the beginning.

No, not you, captain,
but the rest of your crew.

You did lay it on a bit thick.

But, that only proved to me
how much you all love Vicki,

how much you do, how far you'd
go to help the Captain keep her.

Is she saying she's on our side?

All the way.

Oh, great.

All right!

Captain, I am sending in
the strongest recommendation

I've ever written

for a girl who's going to
have, not one parent, but five.

All of them loving,
caring people.

Vicki, you are one lucky lady.

Captain Merrill, does this
mean I can officially call you Dad?

- This is wonderful.
- Next time, don't scare us.

Thank you.

(theme music)

Well, don't wait 30 years
to come cruising again.

- I'll try not to.
- Okay, goodbye.

- Thanks for everything.
- So long.

There, your sister's probably
down there some place

waiting to meet us.

She's probably
wearing her mink jacket.

If she should ask about this,
tell her it's a real diamond.


Well, if she's going to mink
me, I'm going to diamond her.

(slow theme music)

Just keep moving.
Come on, scram.

From here on, your
security will be in my hands.

I'll take it.

Goodbye, Ms. Stoddard.

I hope you'll come back.

I just might do that.

The next time will
be for pleasure.

I personally guarantee it.

Of course, if you
prefer a younger man.

Again, my gratitude.

Goodbye for now.

- Bye-bye.
- Ms. Stoddard.


If there's ever anything
I can do for you...

Well, now come to think of
it, you did offer me a bribe.

- Huh?
- Um-hmm.

All right, name it.
Anything in the world.

(uplifting music)

(theme music)