The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 3, Episode 24 - Dumb Luck/Tres Amigos/Hey, Jealous Lover - full transcript

The name used for the actor playing Capt. Stubing's brother is "O.D. Warbux." In the Little Orphan Annie comic strip, Annie's adoptive father is Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks.


(theme music playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard it's love ♪

(up-tempo music playing)

Counting heads, Mr. Washington?

No, sir, tips.

They look like a
fun-loving crowd.

Yes.

Ah.

Who belongs to this?

An Analysis of
Non-Euclidean Geometry

and Diophantine Equations.

Someone brought a little
light reading for the cruise.

Oh, that's mine. I
must have dropped it.

Well, it looks like
difficult reading.

Well, I hope not since
I'm the one who wrote it.

Oh, Well, it does,
uh, look fascinating.

Yeah, don't ruin it for me
by telling me the ending.

I promise.

- Caro|, hi.
- Julie.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Oh, Captain Stubbing,
Isaac Washington,

I want you to meet Carol Ketay.

We've already met.
Uh, Professor Ketay.

Carol was the biggest brain to
ever graduate from Haley High.

Are you still working
at that Think Tank?

- Uh-huh.
- Think Tank?

That's where brilliant
people work together

- to solve difficult problems.
- Right.

That's like when the crew
gets together to work things out.

The only difference is our
Think Tank usually runs on empty.

Sometimes our runs on empty too,

but we're smart enough
not to let anybody find out.

- See you later.
- Bye.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse
me. Are you all right?

- It's all right.
- Yeah.

All right, good.

I hope we have nice
weather for the cruise.

Oh, we should.

The synoptic readings
indicate the barometric pressure

should continue to hold.

And we've had little
barometric variance.

That 5 great.

That's great.

Well, uh, so long.

That's a very
impressive young lady.

Yeah.

Only problem is she's so smart,

that she sometimes
scares men off.

Well, thank goodness you
don't have to worry about that.

(theme music playing)

I won't fight you
for her, Captain.

I know she's your type.

She may not be my type,

but she does happen
to be my passenger.

Hello. I'm Mrs. Gertrude
Benson, and I wonder if...?

Are you with the ship?

Uh, welcome aboard, Ms. Benson.

I'm Captain Stubbing,
and this is Dr. Bricker.

- How do you do?
- Oh, how do you do?

I wonder if you could tell me
how to get to Promenade 342?

Not only can I tell you
how to get to your cabin,

it will be my personal
pleasure to escort.

MILTON: Oh, hold
it just a second here.

This happens to be a married
lady you're mauling here.

My wife.

Now, you just keep your
filthy lecherous mitts to yourself.

You're going to wind up
with a knuckle sandwich.

I was just going to
show her to her cabin.

You were going to what?

I was going to show her to...

Listen to me, sailor boy.

Listen good.

You lay your hand
on this lady again,

I catch you taking just a
sneaky peak in her direction,

you're going to
wind up shark bait.

Now just a moment, sir.

That goes for
you too, four eyes.

Come on, princess.

You degenerates.

Like I said, I won't
fight you for her.

You can set the bags
right down here, please.

Thank you.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Lloyd and Alice
Gaines and son, Keith.

- Hi, Keith.
- Hi.

Hey, would you like to look
around while we check in?

Sure, Dad.

Okay, let's see, Gaines...

(theme music playing)

Hi.

Oh, hi, kid.

If I'm a kid, you
must be traveling on

the senior citizen discount.

You sure look
young for your age.

Did you have a
facelift or something?

Who are you?

I'm the Captain's
daughter, Vicki.

Captain's daughter?

Can you show me some
secret parts of the ship later?

Of course.

CAPTAIN ON P.A.: Last
call. All visitors ashore, please.

All visitors ashore.

(horn blowing)

(theme music playing)

Hi, Isaac.

Hi.

Tell me. Has Carol been
sitting by herself all afternoon?

Nah. I think she's been
walking by herself for most of it.

That's no way to
spend a vacation.

I think she's about
to reel in alive one.

Oh, good old Doc.

Hi. Writing a letter home?

Doing crossword.

Crossword? I'm
a crossword freak.

- Mind in help?
- Not at all.

I need a five
letter word for Kerf.

-Keri... with a
K'? Right, notch.

No... Right, notch.

Okay, I need a five
letter word for Obsidian.

Obsidian. Obsidian...

Ah... Look, why don't I
let you do this alone, uh,

you wouldn't have any fun
if I gave you all the answers.

Excuse me.

Got it, glass.

Glass, right?

Aren't you glad
I didn't tell ya?

(playful music playing)

If she can discourage Doc,
she's going to be mighty lonely.

You're lucky.

This whole ship is yours.

Well, not quite.

Even though my
father is the Captain,

I can't just say, "Dad, can
I borrow the ship tonight?"

Hey, can we go in here.

Don't you see the sign?

It says positively
no admittance.

I know.

There's never anything
interesting in a room with

a sign that says, "Come
in and look around".

Come on.

I thought I was supposed to
be showing you around the ship?

(suspenseful music playing)

(whispering) We
shouldn't be here.

Well we're here now.

I've have an idea. If we leave
now we won't be "here now".

This is fun. It's
like an adventure.

- Well.
- Come on.

(clanking sound)

- Was that you?
- No, I thought it was you.

Wasn't me.

But if you hear teeth
chattering, that's me.

(theme music playing)

Hi, gang.

- Gopher.
- Hmm?

Gopher, you see
that girl over there?

Yeah.

Well, listen. She's
really very nice,

and she's an old friend of mine,

- and I'd really appreciate it...
- Say no more.

You want me to charm, right?

Give her some
kicks with a thrill

in her otherwise hum-drum life?

You got it.

(clears throat)

Afternoon, Miss.

Burl Smith at your service,
Assistant Purser and a Pisces.

Nice to meet you.
I'm Carol Ketay.

Hey, wait a minute.
Don't tell me.

Legal secretary, right?

-Uh, no. Beautician?

- Uh, no.
- Ah, wait a minute.

Dental technician.

Nuclear physicist.

More power to you.

She's getting better.

He lasted two seconds
longer than Doc.

(suspenseful music playing)

VICKI: It's so
dark. Can you see?

KEITH: No, but
we'll get used to it.

VICKI: I'm scared.

KEITH: There's
nothing to be scared of.

What are you doing here?

Who are you?

I... I am Luis.

He carried our
luggage on the ship.

I'll bet he's a stowaway.

I want to go to Mexico
to see my mother.

Please don't tell on me.

Don't worry. Nobody's
gonna tell on you.

Will we?

My father's the Captain.

I can't hide a stowaway
from my father.

(theme music playing)

Oh, excuse me, Miss.
You're getting pretty red.

You can get a nasty
burn if you don't use lotion.

Oh, doctor.

Thank you, but I do have lotion.

All right, great, great. Use it!

Oh, doctor, if you don t mind.

I can't quite reach
the backs of my legs.

Well, I'm sure Mr. Benson
would prefer doing it.

But he's not here.

He isn't?

No.

Oh.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, where is he?

He's on the fantail
skeet shooting.

(gunshot)

(scream)

You touch that lady again,
you're going to need a doctor.

(gunshot)

(playful music playing)

(theme music playing)

And so it is hereby decreed
that the three mortal beings here

assembled do solemnly
swear to take this blood oath

and remain steadfast friends
throughout their entire lives.

Do we really have to seal
our friendship in blood?

A simple handshake won't do?

With blood, we're
blood brothers.

With a handshake, we're
only handshake brothers.

Now give me your pin.

Everybody hold out your fingers.

(soft music playing)

(theme music playing)

(lounge music playing)

We got to get Luis
something to eat.

How are we going to do that?

Leave it to me.

- Gopher.
- Huh, what?

Have you seen Carol?

Oh, gee. Isn't she in her room
splitting an atom or something?

Julie, why didn't you tell me
that she is a nuclear physicist?

Oh, what difference
would that have made?

Oh, heck none.

I just would have brushed up on

Oh, there she is.

Gee. Poor Carol.

Can you imagine me
feeling sorry for her?

Hmm.

Kind of like Daffy Duck
feeling sorry for Einstein.

Daisy Duck.

Excuse me, Gopher.

Hi.

Hi.

This certainly is
a beautiful ship.

Yeah. You're really
having a good time.

I can tell.

I wanted to rest.

Yeah.

Well, part of my job is to make
sure that all the passengers

are enjoying
themselves. So, come on.

- Where?
- Well, no questions.

Just come on.

No napkin. Thank you.

Here, Dad. You have to have
some of this French bread.

Why? Is it especially
good this evening?

Well, no.

It's just that I think
you look so much better

since you've gained
so much weight.

Oh.

No, thank you.

Vicki, what happened
to your finger?

Oh, it's nothing.

A little paper cut.

Keith, what happened
to your finger?

Um, I cut myself too. Paper cut.

You mean you both
cut yourself with paper

in the exact same place?

That's very strange.

We did it on the Xerox machine.

Two copies.

Are you all right?

Well, yes, I'm all
right. Why do you ask?

You suddenly stopped smiling.

And I was just telling Keith
how happy you seem lately,

which really proves fat
people really are jolly.

(clears throat)

I'm really not very
hungry this evening.

Here, sir.

Let me just take that
back to the kitchen

and get it out of your way.

May I be excused?

I wouldn't want a young lady
to carry a heavy plate of food

like that all by herself.

(lounge music playing)

Oh, no. Not this table, please.

- Not our table. No. No.
- Who?

Is this table 17?

- No.
- Yes.

Table 17? Uh, right.

Oh.

Allow me, my gem.

Thank you, sweetheart.

- There you are.
- Thank you.

It's okay.

(clears throat)

- Good evening.
- Evening.

Main menus.

Oh, my goodness.

What an extensive menu.

How can I ever decide, darling?

I'd be happy to make a
suggestion to Madame.

Oh, would you? Huh?

Well, knock it
off, hash slinger.

The woman belongs to me.

I'm the only guy that
makes suggestions.

You got it?

Just keep your
thumb out of my soup.

Perhaps a little fillet mignon
for my pretty little filly, huh?

(giggling)

I don't know about steak, dear.

MILTON: No?

What do you recommend, Doctor?

Uh, I recommend...

you ask Gopher.

Oh, all right. What
would you suggest?

Well, the stuffed
breast looks good.

You little punk.

I meant the veal, the
stuffed breast of veal.

Veal, huh? Yeah sure you did.

I ought to belt you right in
the chops, you little nerd.

Come on, precious.
We'll dine in our cabin.

Oh, all right.

Creeps.

That's the last time I
have dinner with a VIP.

VIP?

Violently Insane Paranoid.

This is going to be
a knockout on you.

Oh, come on, Julie.

The dress I have
on is perfectly nice.

It's comfortable.

It's just been pressed.

You're talking comfortable.

I'm talking sexy.

Well, the only way you're
going to get a man with that dress

is if you tie him up in it.

Who told you I wanted a man?

Uh, Carol. You're talking
to me, Julie McCoy,

the girl who had to unstick
your head from the transom

above the boy's locker room.

We were kids then.

And now that we're all grown up,

we never think about men, do we?

Well, I admit that there are
moments when visions of

the male animal do
invade my thoughts.

You mean, sometimes
you're hot to trot?

You're good with
words, aren't you?

That's the trouble, isn't it?

I mean, I'm just not
good at social situations.

I'm not good at
small talk. I'm not.

Well, I think that's
because your small talk

goes over most people's heads.

It's just the curse of
having an IQ of 150.

One hundred sixty.

What do you want me
to do? Have a lobotomy?

No, but I think we
could face facts.

Right now, you talk
smart, but you dress dumb.

I suggest we
reverse the process.

Dress smart, talk dumb?

I think it'll work.

Luis.

Gracias, gracias!

You're welcome. You're welcome.

I was so hungry. Gracias.

Hey, Luis, we're
all blood brothers.

Blood brothers don't
have to thank each other.

That's right. We just
bleed for each other.

My mother will be so
surprised to see me.

How long has it been
since you seen her?

Long time, since I
came to California

to live with my uncle.

Well, you'll see
your mother soon.

I dreamed of going back to
Mexico and bringing my mother

wonderful presents.

But maybe she'll be
satisfied with just me.

Maybe your mother can
have you and presents.

(theme music playing)

Oh, good evening, Captain.

Good evening, Mrs. Benson.

Where's your husband?

I'm about to meet
Milton in the, uh,

Acapulco Lounge.

Oh, please allow me.
It's on the Riviera Deck.

Oh.

- Oops, my watch.
- Thank you.

Don't go. I'm stuck on you.

Hi, pumpkin. What?

What was that you
said to my wife?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Benson, but um...

Listen Skippy, how'd you like

to have an anchor
stuck up your nose, huh?

Come on, Gertrude.

Let's you and me go
do a little cheek to cheek.

Hey, buzz off, bellhop

before you start
your own Dead Sea!

Sicko.

Ah...

(sigh of relief)

(theme music playing)

(lounge music playing)

Hey, what's the
matter with you guys?

Instead of just standing
around doing nothing,

you could be having a great
time with Julie's friend, Carol.

Oh, yeah. Think of
the fun you could have

with a logarithm table.

Please, I've had my
share of mercy dates.

Um-hmm. Mercy date.

(lounge music playing)

Mercy, mercy, mercy.

Well, hi, Carol.

Nice to see you
again, Ms. Ketay.

Uh, you'll excuse us, guys.

We'd rather not mingle
with the hired help.

Carol.

How about it, baby?

I do a mean rhumba.

Oh, it's too bad they're
playing a bossa nova.

Can't you hear that complex
of asymmetrical rhythms,

super-imposed
over a four-four beat?

That's very interesting.

Let me write that
down before I forget it.

Yeah, uh, Carol,
you're forgetting TD.

Talk dumb.

Excuse me.

Uh, this might
sound a little corny,

but uh, have we met before?

Before what?

Uh, would you like to dance?

Alone?

No. No, with me.

Oh.

Yes.

(theme music playing)

Oh, excuse me. Could
you help me, please?

My door doesn't
seem to shut properly.

Oh, of course.

Aren't you Mrs. Benson whose
husband is such a devoted man?

Uh-huh. Yes. Yes, I am.

But he's in the casino now.

Oh, well in that case,
uh, I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.

Besides, he's no good
at mechanical things

except guns, of course.

Guns?

He manufactures them.

(knock on door)

(whispering) I can't get it
open. What are we going to do?

Oh, what are we going to do?

Is that you in there, lamplight?

Yes, dear.

Oh no.

I don't want to die.

- Oh, hello.
- Hey.

You, uh, you're
all alone I assume?

I thought I heard voices.

GERTRUDE: Voices?

No, sweetheart. I'm all alone.

Yes.

Oh, don't... don't...
Don't shut the door.

No, the urn, handle.

- Ah.
- The knob came off.

Yeah, huh, well
why don't you just

call up the
maintenance department,

- dumpling, huh?
- Oh, I didn't think of that.

You can handle
those little chores.

- Yes, dear, yes.
- Sure you can.

- MILTON: Ah.
- What are you going to do?

I'm just going to take a shower.

No, no, no! Stop!

- MILTON: Why?
- GERTRUDE: Turn it off.

MILTON: Why, what's wrong?

The Purser just phoned
and there's an emergency.

There's a terrible
shortage of water.

GERTRUDE: Turn off the water!

There's a shortage of water,

and you're not going to
be able to take a shower.

- What?
- No. Not until tomorrow.

Well, this is some lousy
cruise we're on, isn't it?

- Oh, it certainly is, yeah.
- The ship's falling apart.

This crew is a
bunch of sex fiends.

Here we are in the
middle of the ocean,

and we run out of water?

I know. It's just so stupid. I
agree with you, sweetheart.

(theme music playing)

Did you really play
college football?

Yeah.

I was a wide receiver.

Oh.

You must have lost a
lot of weight since then.

You know, you're terrific,
and you're so naturally funny

that I... sometimes I forget
how incredibly beautiful you are.

I—...

Aye-aye.

(romantic music playing)

(theme music playing)

(playful music playing)

Who's that?

Maintenance.

Good night, Captain.

(theme music playing)

You again?

Why don't you get married?

Pervert.

Pervert?

(dramatic music playing)

(theme music playing)

Hey, where are you going?

I've got to take care
of some business.

What about Luis?

Well, later.

So, things went
well last night, huh?

Talk about an understatement.

Well, it's great
seeing you so happy.

Who do you want to meet today?

Will you hold it a minute?

I'd like to get to
know Chris better.

I mean, I think we have a lot in
common if I can ever get beyond

to me, the two greatest
men of the 20th century are

Albert Einstein
and Chuck Barris.

Not necessarily in that order.

Well, don't knock it.

Talking dumb seems
to have worked so far.

Morning.

Oh, good morning.

No matter how much you
insist, I really must be going.

TD.

TD?

It's short for tootle-do.

You know, um, after
I left you last night,

I couldn't sleep a wink.

You know why?

You had liver and
onions for dinner?

No, it's you.

You are perfect for my libido.

Oh, well, personally I
prefer American cars.

Isn't the sun wonderful?

Yeah, but you know,
too much sunlight is,

uh, very bad for you.

We should go to some
place where it's shady.

Did you have any place in mind?

Well, my cabin.

That sounds pretty shady.

(instrumental music playing)

So much money.

First, I'll buy my
mother a pretty dress.

But where'd you
get all the money?

Are you kidding?

That's just some loose
change I came across

when I was transferring
one pair of pants to another.

Boy am I lucky to
find a friend like you.

Hey, we're not just friends.

We're blood brothers.

(theme music playing)

Mr. Gaines, I can't
say it's never happened,

but it is rare for money to be
stolen from a passenger's cabin.

And you say two hundred
dollars was taken, sir?

Two hundred dollars exactly.

You got a thief on your ship.

Hi. What's up?

It's nothing that
concerns you, honey.

Well, robbery on a ship
concerns everybody.

What do you plan to do, Captain?

Well, I'm sure you realize
that investigating something

like this among the
passengers is very delicate.

Well, maybe you'd better
begin by investigating the crew.

Oh, the crew didn't do it.

Hey, how do you know
the crew didn't do it?

Well, it's just that the
crew seems so nice.

You raised a very
bright son, Mr. Gaines.

He's right.

The crew is nice.

Nice?

I can vouch for the honesty
of my crew, Mr. Gaines.

Don't worry. We'll
find the guilty party.

Ah, this looks like
a nice spot, darling.

All right. Aha.

A little sun and salt air.

Yeah, ooh.

Yes. Oh, you always...
Always pick the perfect place.

Ah, ha, ha. What a woman.

Not only gorgeous,
but grateful as well.

Oh, Milton.

There you are, my treasure.

Hmm.

(groaning in pain)

Oh, no.

- No, no, no, my Venus.
- Huh?

Cover up.

Gotta cover up.

The form divine is
not for these swine.

Oh.

On the high seas,
a body like yours

will drive men stark raving mad.

- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

Ah, Scooby-Doo.

Ah, sneaking a
little peak were you?

MILTON: Eh? I caught
you. I caught you.

You slimy swab
jockeys are all alike.

A bunch of peeping Toms.

MILTON: Yeah, go
on, go on. Run along.

You should be up
there steering that barge,

you know, Popeye.

(theme music playing)

Just take, uh, two aspirins
and call me anytime you want.

Adam!

Adam!

You've got to give me
something for my nerves!

This morning, Mr. Gaines
accused one of the crew of stealing,

and after that, Mr. Benson
accused me of playing around

with his wife!

Oh, you don't have to tell
me anything about Mr. Benson.

The nut mistook me for a skeet.

He is insane, isn't he?

Well, he's just very
jealous about his wife.

(both) Insane.

He should be in a straitjacket.

Merrill, why don't you go
into my examination room.

Take your clothes off.
I'll have a look at you.

Probably all you need
is a mild tranquilizer.

- (knock at door)
- Ah!

Maybe a strong tranquilizer.

Oh, doctor. I think I've
broken out with a rash.

It's just a sunburn.
I warned you.

Well, it doesn't look
just like a sunburn.

It looks exactly like a
sunburn. Look, here.

Take this ointment and
call me in the morning.

Well, aren't you
going to examine me.

Look, it's all over.

- (knock on door)
- MILTON: You in there, Trudy?

You're right.

It's all over.

If he's hiding in there,
he's a dead duck.

- Let's get started.
- Ah!

Ah!

No, wait! I can explain.

What? You too, butcher boy?

What is this, an orgy?

Now listen, I'm a doctor.

Your wife came to see
me because of a rash.

Oh, sure, sure.

So what's the head
monkey doing here?

Well, he's here for a checkup.

No, doctor. No explanations.

For the last time, Mr. Benson, I
am not running after your wife!

I am trying to run this ship!

Hmm? In the nude, Stub? Huh?

- Little massage time.
- Please, Milton, no violence!

- You promised!
- All right. I know.

Sorry.

Yes, I promise,
and I... I kept it twice.

Yes, dear.

If I catch these two mutts
sniffing around you again,

I... I'm not going to be
responsible for my actions!

- Come on, Trudy.
- Yes, dear.

- (playful music playing)
- Mongrels.

I think I'll take that
tranquilizer now.

Get in line.

(theme music playing)

JULIE: Let me get the
light first. There we go.

- GOPHER: Sideways.
- Oh, right.

- See? I can do good.
- Thank you.

- Um-hmm.
- You okay?

- Yeah.
- Oh, Gopher, thank you so much

for helping me
carry these cushions.

I never could have
done it by myself.

Listen, Julie. We're shipmates.

You don't have to thank me.

Just remember, you
owe me one, right?

Oh, right.

Gopher, look. There's
food down here.

Yeah. That's strange.

Candy wrappers on the floor.

- And here's some cheese.
- Where?

Right here.

Hey, wait, wait. Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wait a minute.
Here's the little mouse.

Who are you?

- What's your name?
- What's your name?

- We won't hurt you.
- Don't be afraid.

- I promise.
- Everything's all right.

JULIE: So what's your name?

(romantic music playing)

Do you really have to leave now?

Well, it'll be time
for dinner soon.

Besides, I think we've
had enough shade.

You're really something.
You know that?

I'm going to miss you, Carol.

Am I going somewhere?

Oh, no. I mean after the cruise.

But Los Angeles and
Phoenix aren't so far apart.

I mean, we'll see
each other all the time.

We'll see each other
some of the time?

We'll never see each other?

Carol, you're a wonderful lady.

I like you, I really do.

You're sweet and romantic.

But I have to be
honest with you,

I need more than that.

I mean, for a
lasting relationship,

a man and a woman need to
talk about more important things

than just the moon.

You mean, you think I'm
not smart enough for you?

- Well, I...
- You mean, you think I'm dumb?

Look, why don't we
have a real nice dinner?

Why don't you go sit on it!

(theme music playing)

A hundred and
eighty. Two hundred.

Well, Captain, I really must
commend you for finding

the stolen money so quickly.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I never stole anything!

Ever! I'm not a thief!

Tell me, son.

Did you have this money with you

when you brought our
luggage on board ship?

No!

Thank you, Captain.

Captain, look at that face.

He isn't guilty.

No way.

Where did you get
the money, Luis?

I can't tell you that.

Why can't you tell me that?

Because I can't tell
you why I can't tell you.

I have blood brothers.

I swear to them.

Where'd you get the Band-Aid.

I'll tell you what, Luis.

You're going to have dinner
at the Captain's table tonight.

Be sure to invite Vicki
and the Gaines family.

Yes, sir.

I think we'll have some
lively conversation.

(theme music playing)

GOPHER ON P.A.: Good evening.

The ship will remain in
Acapulco until 12 midnight.

For all those not dining ashore,

there will be a
main seating dinner

in the Coral dining room.

Can you believe it?

I mean, can you actually
genuinely truly believe this?

Okay, you proposed to
him, but he turned you down?

Well, I mean, I didn't get down
on one knee and ask for his hand

in marriage, but the message
had to be perfectly clear.

Well, did he tell you why?

Are you ready for this?

It is because I,
Professor Carol Ketay,

Phi Beta Summa cum hands,

Carnegie Fellow
Rhodes scholar...

I am too dumb.

You are? I mean, he said that?

Well, he might as well have.

I hate that man. I hate him!

Seems more to me
like you love him.

Who asked you?

You got any ideas?

Yeah.

Since you caught
him by talking dumb,

maybe if you want to hold him,
you should start talking smart.

How is it for a girl
with only a B average,

you always have
the right answers?

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Shove off, swab
jockey. That seat's taken.

- Dummy.
- Sweetheart.

Captain, I... I really don't
understand why we're rehashing

this unpleasantness.

Well, I was just hoping that
we could settle this mystery of

someone stealing your $200.

Seems to me that the mystery
was solved a long time ago.

Things aren't always
as they seem to appear.

However, in this case, it
seems clear that Luis is guilty.

I'm sorry, Luis,
I hate to do it,

but right after dinner, I'm
going to have to turn you over

to the Acapulco authorities.

I'm sorry, but
the law is the law.

No, leave him alone!

Luis didn't take the
money! He didn't!

Keith, Keith, that's enough.

Now son, the boy is guilty.

He's going to have to
take his punishment.

But don't you
understand? I did it.

Me! I'm the thief!

Keith!

Not so fast, young lady.

You also have some
explaining to do.

Sit down.

(theme music playing)

Keith, you know how I
hate dishonesty, don't you?

Yes, sir.

Well, son...

It was not only dishonest
for Luis to steal my money,

see but, it was also dishonest
for you to try to protect him

by saying you took it.

Your father's right, Keith.

I must say I like your
trying to protect your friend.

But I wasn't trying
to protect him.

I did take the money... for
Luis to buy his mother presents.

We have everything,
and they've got nothing.

I understand.

But the way you went
about it was wrong, son.

But you did it to help somebody.

I'm very proud of you for that.

The way it ended up, I really
didn't help anybody at all.

Well, you know,
if we took the $200

and we bought Luis'
mother some presents,

uh, maybe we'd all be
helping each other, huh?

Uh, Captain.

Oh, yes, Isaac.

Uh, I don't want to
worry you or anything,

but Mr. Benson
is looking for you.

Thank you, Isaac.
You just worried me.

Oh, hello, Adam.

Say, uh, would you like to come
to my cabin for a game of chess?

Oh, thanks, Merrill,

but I was planning
to turn in early tonight.

Yeah, me too. Uh,
just a quick game.

A quick game of chess?

It's an order!

(theme music playing)

Isn't that big old
moon pretty tonight?

Carol, I'm sorry.

I feel terrible about what I
said to you this afternoon.

I feel more terrible
about how I said it.

It sounds as if I
thought you were dumb.

I... I didn't mean that.

Oh, I know you didn't
mean I was dumb.

You just didn't
mean I was smart,

at least not smart
enough for you.

No, no, no, no. Not exactly.

I understand, Chris.

In the time we spent together,
I did talk about moonlight a lot.

However, I didn't
tell you everything

I know about the moon.

For instance, um, the moon
is the closest celestial body to

the Earth at a mean
distance of 238,857 miles.

As you well know, the moon
revolves around the Earth

in 27 days, seven
hours and 43 minutes.

And is visible due to
reflection of solar radiation.

Now, three different
theories have been advanced

as to the moon's origin.

Independent formation,

formation via fission
of the Earth's surface,

and capture by the
Earth's gravitational field

after formation elsewhere.

Now would you like
to hear about the sun?

Wow!

Every morning as it comes up...

I'd like to hear that
for the rest of my life.

- Would you?
- Um-hmm.

(romantic music playing)

Uh, it's really
getting late, Merrill.

Uh, I better turn in.

Oh, no. You can't!

I mean... I mean,
sure, Adam, sure.

Uh, whenever you want.

It's just that, uh, well haven't
you ever had one of those nights

where you just don't
want to be alone?

Yeah, but then I usually hit
on girls. Good night, Merrill.

No, Adam! You can't leave me!

Now, this wouldn't have
anything to do with Milton Benson,

would it?

Whatever do you mean by that?

(knock on door)

GOPHER: Sir, are you okay?

It's Gopher and Isaac.

(clears throat)

Good eve... Uh, yeah,
please, please come in.

I... I thought you were
that maniac, Benson.

Oh, we thought we'd check on you

because we were
worried about you.

Yes, well, I
appreciate your loyalty.

With the four of us together,
there's nothing he can do.

(knock on door)

MILTON: You in there, Captain?

(female voice) Wrong cabin.

(whispering) Let him in.

- (whispering) Let him in.
- (whispering) Let him in.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

How are you? Good to see ya.

- You're all here, huh?
- Here we are.

Well, that's good.

That's good because I
got something for you.

(all screaming)

Believe me, believe
me, Mr. Benson.

No one here ever made
an advance to your wife!

I know that.

Then... then why have you
been acting like a mad man?

Acting.

That's the key word, Captain.

You see, that woman
means everything to me,

most wonderful, thoughtful
woman in the world.

Nothing she wouldn't do for me,

the greatest wife
a man ever had.

But you know, I know she's not
exactly a raving beauty anymore.

You know, a
little over the hill.

They don't call her
Queen of the May.

So that's Why I put on that,
uh, crazy jealous act, you see.

Makes her feel like
the most beautiful,

attractive woman in the world.

Then why are you holding a gun?

- Huh?
- The gun!

The gun?

Yeah, Benson 32 automatic.

It's the top of the line
that I manufacture.

I'm giving it to you, Captain.

- What?
- (all reacting)

No, no, no.

Just a gift to apologize
for my outrageous behavior.

All right.

All the trouble I caused
you on the cruise.

Well, thank you. Thank
you very much, Mr. Benson.

Thank you, Captain.

Doc, Gopher.

- Thank you.
- Isaac.

- Thank you.
- Thanks for a wonderful cruise.

Yes, it was our pleasure, sir.

Bye.

(nervous chuckle of relief)

I bet he had you
all scared, didn't he?

(dramatic music playing)

(theme music playing)

Good bye.

Thank you for everything.

Goodbye Mr. and Mrs. Gaines.

It was our pleasure.

I'm only sorry you missed
seeing Luis and his mother.

She was thrilled
with the presents.

Ah, we're pleased
just hearing about it.

Yes, we are.

Captain, what about
Luis being a stowaway?

Will there be any charges
brought against him?

No. I spoke with him,

and he understands
what he did was wrong.

Vicki and I are paying his fare.

I'm taking a dollar
out of her allowance

and the rest is coming
out of my allowance.

Are you going back to the
Think Tank after you're married?

Of course.

But after a day
in the Think Tank,

I'll be going home for
a night in the hot tub.

Ah, that's what I like.

Clean living.

- Thanks for everything, Julie.
- Oh, you're welcome.

- Me too.
- Oh, it's my pleasure.

I'm just glad that everything
worked out for both of you.

Yeah, yeah I guess
it was just dumb luck.

- So long.
- GOPHER: Bye-bye.

Goodbye, Mrs. Benson. I
hope you enjoyed the cruise.

Oh, I did very much, yes.

It was wonderful, but um,
before Milton gets here,

I would like to
apologize and explain.

You see, my husband is
well, he loves me so much

that he's just
crazy with jealousy.

And that's why I purposely
make myself look so drab

because if I didn't,

I might attract some man, and
who knows what Milton will do?

Still trying, huh?

Right to the bitter end.

- Come, my dove.
- Yes, dear.

Penguins

Mr. Benson definitely goes in
our album of cruise memories.

(laughing)

(laughs) Oh...
(theme music playing)

(theme music playing)