The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 3, Episode 22 - Not So Fast, Gopher/Haven't We Met Before?/Foreign Exchange - full transcript


(theme music playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard it's love ♪

(theme music playing)

Oh, I do like the cargo
they have on this ship.

Don't rush me, girls.
There's plenty to go around.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait
a minute. Wait a minute.

We're not going to see
any action on this boat.

Especially after
these girls find out

what we do for a living.

You're right. Instead of
being an obscure postal clerk,

meet a rich psychiatrist.

Hi, Doc. I'm the new
lawyer around the block.

Didn't I meet you
gentlemen on the plane?

I was the pilot.

What about you, Paul?

Me? Oh, uh, no.
I'm not changing.

Oh, come on.

If anybody asks, I'm
still a waiter, all right?

I may not be one all my life,
but to any girl who can't accept

me for what I am,
well, she's not for me.

- Get him!
- The man's got character.

He won't get much loving.
But he's got a lot of character.

Come on, what is wrong
with being yourself, huh?

What? A garage mechanic?

Paul, Paul, Paul.

I'm here to work on
girls not work on cars.

(dramatic music playing)

Well, look who's here.

(theme music playing)

Love these sentimental reunions.

Who is she?

She is Miss Lila
Stanhope, a society girl.

She comes into the
restaurant once in a while,

but she's always too good
to notice the hired help.

Hey, don't let it
give you a complex,

and remember, this is
your psychiatrist speaking.

Come on, let's go.

(Captain laughing)

- Captain?
- Yes.

I really appreciate you
going through all the trouble

finding last minute cabin
space for Kendall Park.

Well, Jimmy, if this Kendall
Park does a feature story

on you for his news service,

it's good publicity
for the line as well.

It will be the first national
publicity I've ever had.

I sure hope he likes my act.

Of course he'll like your act.

You're a funny comedian.

And I know comedy,
having spent a lot of time

observing my
crew's love affairs.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Kendall Park from
American News Service.

Well, uh, welcome aboard.

I'm Captain Stubbing.

My pleasure.

Kendall Park? I
expected to be a man.

And I've never been
so happy to be so wrong.

Hi.

Anything you want to know
about the ship, just ask me.

We've got movies,
bingo, disco dancing,

shuffleboard, ping
pong, card games,

exercise classes,
sight-seeing, saunas,

pizza, gift shops, gymnasium,

two swimming pools, lounge
chairs and room service.

Thanks but I just came
to see my cousin off.

- Hello.
- Hi.

My mother hasn't
arrived yet, has she?

I'm hung up with
these custom officials.

Well, don't worry. I'll
get it straightened away.

Ah, I just want her to have
a good time, you know?

She hasn't really been
out and around much

since my dad passed away.

Don't worry. We'll
take good care of her.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

Guys, as soon as
Gopher's mother gets here,

we have to keep her busy.

We'll get her involved
with every fun activity

on board ship, and
she'll be so busy...

That she's got to
have a good time.

- Right.
- Okay?

- Right.
- Right.

- Right.
- Right.

♪ We joined the Navy
To see the world ♪

♪ And what did we see? ♪

♪ We saw the sea ♪

♪ We saw the Pacific
Then the Atlantic, ♪

♪ But the Atlantic
Isn't romantic ♪

♪ And the Pacific isn't
What it's cracked up to be ♪

(playful music playing)

♪ We joined the Navy
To see the world ♪

♪ And what did we see? ♪

♪ We saw the sea ♪

- (cheering)
- Fantastic!

Oh, Miss McCoy,
Mr. Washington and Dr. Bricker.

Able seaman passenger Roz Smith,

reporting for fun and frolic.

(all) Welcome aboard!

And where's that
“sway“ son of mine?

Oh, he's busy with
the custom guys,

but he'll catch up to you later.

Oh, great.

Oh, uh, this deranged
person is young Lyle Warwick.

Uh, we met on the bus on
the way down to the ship.

LYLE: How do you do?

Oh, by the way, what did the bus
driver say when you untied him?

Me? Oh!

I thought you untied him.

Well, at least we're sure of a
ride when the ship gets back.

Yeah.

All right! One more time.

♪ We joined the Navy
To see the world ♪

♪ And what did we see? ♪

♪ We saw the sea ♪

Wow.

Talk about your merry widows.

(theme music playing)

(Mexican music playing)

Jimmy, I usually cover
general news stories.

This is my first show
business interview.

Am I asking all
the right questions?

I don't know if you're
asking the right questions,

but you're definitely
doing something right.

You're not at all what I thought
a comedian would be like.

I thought you'd
always be telling jokes,

trying to be funny.

Well, actually, I've been
telling jokes all through

dinner, but apparently you
didn't think they were funny.

Before, when you said
you wanted to talk about us,

was that a joke?

Well, we won't know
how good a joke that was

until we are married.

Married?

That was a joke...

I think.

(soft music playing)

(knock on door)

Merrill, it's good
to see you again.

It's good to see you.

- Please come in.
- Ah, thank you very much.

I, uh, I was sorry
to hear about Elliott.

He was a fine man.

Yes, he was.

Well, uh, perhaps we
can talk at some other time.

Oh, no, no.

It's okay.

Please sit down.

Thank you.

(soft music playing)

You know, when you've
lived with someone

and loved someone
for 30 some odd years,

it's easier to say
that life must go on,

than it is to go
on living that life.

(sobbing) I'm sorry.

Don't be.

I once lost someone
I loved very much.

I know what you feel.

I worry about Burl.

And he's worried about you.

That's why he asked
you to come on the cruise,

isn't it?

He wants to cheer me up.

Well, as far as my
son is concerned,

I'm going to have the time
of my life on this cruise.

Okay? Okay?

Okay.

You're quite a lady.

You better believe it, kid.

And now if you'll
get out of here,

I have to change
into some glad rags.

I'm having dinner at
the Captain's table.

(theme music playing)

(theme music continues playing)

(all laughing)

Hmm. The scenery at this table
is about to improve a whole lot.

Gentlemen, may I introduce
you to your new table mate,

Miss Lila Stanhope?

Don't get up. I may
still one of your seats.

Fellas, I do believe we've won
the table mate sweepstakes.

- It's a pleasure Miss Stanhope.
- Hi.

I'm Ed Corey, and
this is Jerry Crawford.

- Just call me Jer.
- Hi.

And Louis Acosta.

- Dr. Acosta.
- Oh.

- LILA: Hello.
- And this is Paul Stockman.

You look very familiar.

Really?

Well, you look
familiar to me, too.

We must have met
some place before.

Where do you live?

New York. Manhattan.

LILA: Well, I live
in Philadelphia,

but I spend a lot
of time in New York.

I know where it was.

Vanessa Maitland's
coming out party.

Uh, no, I... I don't know
anybody named Maitland.

The Schuylers? Do you
know a Wendall Schuylers?

No, not personally, no.

I know we met some
place. What do you do?

Do?

- Oh, you mean for a living?
- Yes.

Ah, um, I'm in banking.

- LILA: Oh.
- PAUL: International finance.

- You know, that sort of thing.
- Yeah, financial genius.

Well, I've been lucky.
I hire good people.

Well, maybe it was the
Cannes Film Festival.

Maybe.

- Possibly.
- Could be.

No, it wasn't.

But it might have been
skiing at St. Moritz.

Maybe it was the Jungle
Ride at Disneyland.

(all laughing)

I can't find my mother anywhere.
You sure she got on board?

Well, it was either her

or the University of
California Glee Club.

I get the two mixed up.

Gopher, I know you're concerned
about your mother having

a good time on the
cruise, but don't worry.

She's going to be just fine.

Sir, I don't know.

Lately, she seems awful blue.

That's why I sent
her the ticket.

Was she okay when you saw her?

She was so okay, her
feet didn't touch the ground.

I've never seen her happier.

GOPHER: Well, that
doesn't make sense.

You must have my mother
confused with somebody else.

Gopher, I'd recognize
your mother anywhere.

Even if she were
wearing a sombrero?

(Mexican music playing)

Gopher, you look wonderful.

Hi, Mom. How are you?

Oh, fit as a fiddle
and ready to play.

Good, good.

Oh, this is my
pal, Lyle Warwick.

- How do you do?
- How are you?

Give me five, Captain.

And if you haven't got a
five, a couple of ones will do.

I also take major credit cards.

Isn't he too much?

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

- Please, sit down.
- Here you go, Mom.

Oh, Merrill, if anybody
has any pull on this ship,

you do, right?

That's obvious, isn't it?

Then tell your crew to
get ready for overtime.

We're going to boogie all night.

(theme music playing)

(theme music playing)

Don't you think we should be
getting on with the interview?

All right.

So how long have you
been in show business?

You're in show business.
I'm the interviewer.

Right.

So how long have I
been in show business?

(theme music playing)

(theme music continues playing)

(lounge music playing)

I've got it.

Last summer at Lake Louise!
French Ambassador's reception.

No. I... I wasn't in
Canada at all last summer.

Um, now you're sure that you
weren't in Rio for Mardi Gras?

Positive.

Well, that about
covers this planet.

But I do know this.

If I ever have met you,
I would never forget it.

(lounge music continues playing)

(Roz giggles)

Are you sure you'd
rather not be inside?

The show's starting soon.

Mom, I work here.

I can see a show anytime I want.

Can't always see you.

- How are you?
- Me? I've never felt better.

Oh, I want to thank you
for sending me the ticket.

This cruise is
going to be a ball.

Say, isn't that Lyle a card?

His idea for later tonight
is to have a limbo contest.

You know, where you
dance under a pole?

And they keep lowering the pole.

Tomorrow, the ship
will be in Mexico,

and I'll be in traction.

Mom.

Hey, Rozzie, the
judges are waiting.

Well, get a move on.

Hold your horses.

Gopher, you want to
be in our limbo contest?

Uh, no thanks.
I'm, I'm kind of tired.

Too tired to dance under a pole?

Oh, how about under a Swede?

Isn't he wonderful?

One in a million,
Mom. Good night.

Good night, son.

Wish me luck.

I'll need it.

(soft music playing)

My poor boy.

Hey there, Mrs. Smith.

You're here to cheer
him up, remember?

Come on.

(soft music continues playing)

(drum roll)

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a special treat
for you this evening,

a very funny man

who proves that humor
is a worldwide commodity.

I'd like you to meet, Jimmy Kim.

(music playing) (applause)

“Harm“.

(audience laughing)

Good evening.

I'm a comedian from Korea.

How many of you are from Korea?

It's not important, but
most Koreans are poor,

and I come from
a very poor family.

One time, a burglar
broke into our house.

We robbed him.

(audience laughing)

JIMMY: In Korea, I
was a very boring guy,

but in America, I
play backgammon,

I hang out at discotheques,
and I know my sign.

Now I'm boring in two countries.

(audience laughing)

JIMMY: Where I come from,
we lead a very primitive life.

We eat natural food.

My family tried
to trace our roots,

found out our
ancestors ate them.

(audience laughing)

In America, there are a lot
of things I don't understand.

Police, I do not understand.

I got caught speeding.

When I was speeding, I noticed
a state trooper was also speeding.

(audience laughing)

But I figured if I pretend
I don't speak English,

he might forgive me, and I
decided to talk in Chinese.

I said... (speaking Chinese)

State trooper took one
look at me and said...

(speaking Chinese)

(audience laughing)

Gave me two tickets,
but I gave them back,

and I told him, "Keep the
tickets because your shirts

won't be ready until
next Wednesday."

(audience laughing)

(theme music playing)

Ah, it's beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah.

There's always
something about moonlight.

I mean, whether it's on the
Mediterranean, the Adriatic,

or the Riviera.

Don't you ever
get tired of it, Paul?

The running around?
The parties? The pace?

Sometimes I wonder if
I'm looking for something

or simply trying to get
away from something?

Honest?

I mean, I wouldn't have
expected that from you, Lila.

What do you mean by that?

Well, sometimes it's easy

to get the wrong
impression of somebody.

After one dinner and a dance?

Well, I... I don't
know why I said that.

Let's talk about something else.

All right, let's.

So, um, what are you going
to be doing in Acapulco?

Hmm?

There's only so much
moonlight to go around.

Seems such a shame to waste it.

(romantic music playing)

“Harm“.

What was that for?

Your act.

It's not only tasteless, it's
an insult to the Korean people.

But, honey...

Stay away from me, and
don't call me your honey.

(theme music playing)

- JERRY: Hey, Louis.
- Yeah.

You really turned
that blonde girl on.

Aren't you glad you didn't tell
her you were a postal clerk?

Yeah.

Analyzing people is a lot better
than telling them not to forget

their zip code.

I'm really moving
on that Louise.

Who? That big girl?

Yeah. I told her I
was an airline pilot.

I'm used to
handling wide bodies.

- Well?
- Well?

- Well?
- Well.

Well, financial genius,
how did you do?

I am crazy about her.

I think she feels the
same way about me.

She sure warmed up for a
girl with ice water in her veins.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no. I had her all wrong.

That girl is not
stuck up at all.

Not stuck up with a banker.

How is she going to feel when
she finds out you're a waiter?

Hey, wait a minute.
I got a full proof idea.

She'll never know
you're a waiter.

- How?
- Quit your job.

Good night.

Set the alarm for three.

(theme music playing)

(theme music playing)

Well, it was kind of unusual
when your mother bribed

the band leader
to bring his group

onto the fantail at three a.m.

And then she insisted
that everyone in the band

wear blindfolds as they
played gypsy music.

Then what happened?

Well, the last thing I
saw was Roz and Lyle

dancing with roses
between their teeth.

The last thing you saw?

Yeah. Well, they
blindfolded me too.

That's not right.

ISAAC: You're telling me?

Have you ever tried to make
a Ramos Fizz blindfolded?

I did all right with the fizz,
but I got Ramos all over me.

Mom.

- Oh, good morning, son.
- Hi.

- Good morning, Isaac.
- Good morning.

- Guess what?
- What?

I won the limbo contest.

I'd hate to see the losers.

- I made you some coffee.
- I don't need coffee.

I need surgery.

Mom, sit down.

We got to talk. You're
going overboard.

You know, I was
contemplating that.

Mom, all this carrying on.

Look, I know you
like your friend, Lyle.

But Mom, there are so
many more people on this ship

you haven't even met.

Do you know that
we have a course

in gingham hat making?

And we even
have a tatting class.

I'm not sure I
know what tatting is,

but I'll bet you it's
right up your alley.

Hey, one of the croupiers said

that he'd teach me
the arts for craps.

Mom, that's not what I meant.

I know the dealers
are nice guys,

but don't you think that you'd
have more in common with people

that you'd have
more in common with?

Vicki!

Mom... Vicki.

I'd like you to meet my Mom.

Oh, how nice to
meet you, Ms. Smith.

My pleasure, Vicki.

Um, well, I'll just
leave you two alone.

Vicki can play
every game there is.

How about playing hopscotch
on the shuffleboard court?

Hopscotch?

That old game?

Hey, what about sleeping beauty?

- I never heard of it.
- Oh, great fun.

The one who can sit the
longest without moving wins.

(theme music playing)

Guess who?

Hmm.

That's a tough one.

Give me another chance.

Truman Capote.

You know, if I had to
build the most beautiful girl

in the world, she'd
look exactly like you.

Thank you.

I wouldn't change a
thing about you either.

You are everything I
have ever wanted, Lila.

You too.

- Except...
- Except for what?

Breakfast. I'm starved.

Don't move. Breakfast
is coming right up.

Oh, good morning, Isaac.

Good morning, Mr. Stockman.
Would you like breakfast?

No. I think I'll just have
coffee twice, please.

I'll get the rest myself.

(humming)

(theme music playing)

Breakfast for two, Madame.

Lila, what's the matter?

I just remembered where we met.

Now, look. I was just
about to tell you. I...

Lila.

Would you mind telling me
why you slapped me last night?

Please, don't hit me.

I hated your act.

I can understand that.

I understand honestly
people hating something

and being honest
enough to say they hate it.

- You know what I hate?
- No. What do you hate?

I hate honest people
who are honest enough

to say they hate my act.

Why are you so angry?

Because you made fun of Korea.

I especially hated the joke
about all Koreans being so poor

that they had to rob burglars.

It was a joke.

I only try to amuse people.

I don't find it amusing.

Kendall, you have
your way of thinking,

I have mine.

Mine is to make people
laugh, all kinds of people.

Before I saw you perform,
you... You seemed so nice.

I am nice.

May I?

You are going to
have a great smile

if you ever get around to it.

Oh, I don't know what
to believe about you.

That's show business.

I think you are
all show business.

You don't really care
about Korea at all.

But I do!

I'm just not a political animal.

Oh?

What kind of an animal
are you, Mr. Kim?

(somber music playing)

(theme music playing)

GOPHER P.A.: Passengers
taking the Puerto Vallarta tour,

please report to the desk in
the Purser's Lobby at 11 am.

Hey, that's 11 a.m., and this
is Burl the Pearl Smith saying,

"Thanks for listening".

Ah, Gopher. You're just
the man I'm looking for.

I need some advice
about your mother.

Ah, well. I have some advice
for you about my mother.

Um, I don't think you
realize what the situation is.

Roz was married for 35 years.

Six months ago, her husband died

and since then she's
been on her own.

Is that the situation
you're talking about?

- Yes.
- Oh.

LYLE: Well then I have it right.

Okay, now here's
what I want to know.

You've been to Puerto
Vallarta a million times.

What would be more
fun for Roz and me?

To sail a catamaran
down the coast for a picnic,

take scuba diving lessons,
or go for a parachute ride?

Sailing, scuba
diving, parachuting?

All three. Okay. You
know her better than I do.

- Uh...
- Thank you very much.

Uh, sir. Lyle!

Sir! Lyle!

I was right about
her in the first place.

She is a complete snob.

Never even gave me a
chance to defend myself.

I just remembered where we met.

And then she splits.

Humiliated that she's having
an affair with a lowly waiter.

Just imagine, she
even kissed him.

Thank you.

Well, she's probably
in her cabin right now

fumigating her lips.

- Yeah, right.
- Don't worry about her.

Why don't you come into
Puerto Vallarta with us?

Oh no, no, no, no. I
am going to tell her off.

She is not going to
get away with this.

That's good, Paul. You should.

And you can go
back to being a waiter,

and she can go
back to her millions.

Millions?

Maybe she'd like a doctor.

- How about a pilot?
- How about a lawyer?

You're too shy for a lawyer.

I'm a shyster lawyer.

(all) Millions?

(upbeat music playing)

(theme music playing)

- Ah, Jimmy, hi.
- Hello, Jimmy.

- Oh, Captain Stubbing, Julie?
- Yeah.

May I speak to you for a second?

- Sure. What's on your mind?
- Sure.

- I can't do my show tonight.
- You can't do your show?

Are you feeling all right?

Well, sure. I feel fine for
someone who feels terrible.

Well, what's the
problem? Can we help?

Well, someone told me, uh,
she thinks my act is offensive

to the Korean people.

Oh, I don't agree
with that at all.

- No.
- You're not Korean.

You may be right and
then again she may be right.

I guess the she who thinks
your act is offensive to Koreans

is Kendall Park?

Well, I'm sorry I won't be
seeing you perform again

tonight, Jimmy.

But I wouldn't want
you to do anything

that goes against
your conscience.

I don't know which
is hurting more.

My conscience or my heart.

(somber music playing)

I can't get over your momma.

I've never seen anyone
having so much fun.

Well, it's okay to
have fun up to a point,

but, yeah, it's a matter
of propriety, you know?

I mean, she was
just going too far.

Anyway, I think she's
settled down now.

She's something else.

I'd invite her to any
party I was having.

Of course, we would
probably be raided.

Hey, that was just a phase.

Hey, Burl.

I'm glad you could join us.

I went out for more
munchies. Come on.

(upbeat music playing)

The hostess with
the mostest lives.

(indistinct chatter)

(theme music playing)

Don't worry. It won't take long
to tell you what I think of you.

You are a class
conscious snob, the most...

Look who's calling
somebody class conscious.

Being a waiter wasn't
good enough for you, was it?

If there's one
thing I can't stand,

it's a person who's
ashamed of what he does.

Excuse me.

If I told you I was a waiter,

I wouldn't have had a
chance with you, right?

Wrong.

When I was working
in the restaurant,

you never even knew I existed.

You couldn't see me
through that upper crust

you were coming
from, Ms. Stanhope.

Some upper crust.

My father started in the steel
business stoking furnaces.

I don't care what a man does.

It's what he is.

Excuse me.

Oh, really?

Well then, tell me, please, why
did you care for me as a banker

and walk out on me as a waiter?

Because I believed in you,
and because you lied to me.

(somber music playing)

Excuse me!

(dramatic music playing)

(theme music playing)

(lounge music playing)

So, has mademoiselle
decided yet on dessert?

Umm, no. I can't
make up my mind.

Well, if you will allow me,

may I suggest that
you try the waiter?

But please, not flambé.

What?

This waiter needs a
chance to apologize.

Now look...

I know I shouldn't
have lied to you,

and I'm sorry I did.

It's just that I thought it was
the only chance I would have

to get to know you.

You see...

I think I fell in love with you

the first time I ever saw you.

And I know you can't
forgive me for what I did,

but I want... Don't say anymore.

-No, no, Lila. I really -Shh.

Customer's always right.

What's this?

A waiter kissing a passenger?

He's not a waiter.

He's just a passenger who
borrowed one of the outfits.

Well, he sure
found a big tipper.

Bravo!

DOC: More! More! Encore! Encore!

I think they're
calling for an encore.

Well then, let's not
disappoint them.

(theme music playing)

(theme music playing)

(lounge music playing)

Well, good evening, Ms. Park.

- Hi, Roz.
- Hi.

I got here early so I
could get a good table

to hear your friend
perform again.

- He's really great.
- He is?

Yeah. You know, the thing
I especially like about him

is that without any fuss,

he gets the point across
that Koreans and us,

we're all the same.

And we all do the same
silly, ridiculous human things

that he pokes fun at.

Yeah, and you know the
joke that really knocked me out

was when he said that
his family was so poor

and a burglar broke
into their house,

and his family
robbed the burglar.

You really liked that joke?

Liked it? I loved it.

It reminded me of some of
the jokes my father used to tell.

You know, some of the
passengers told me they love Jimmy's

political jokes in the
tradition of our Will Rogers.

I guess Americans have
always loved political jokes.

Yeah, and they love some
political jokes so much

that they elected
them president.

(lounge music playing)

Um, excuse me.

That's the smile I owe you
from watching your act last night.

But you hated my act.

I was wrong.

What made you
decide you were wrong?

Don't ask too many questions.

Hey, do you want to keep
the smile or don't you?

Of course I do.

Then go do your act for me.

(applause)

(drum roll)

“Harm“.

You know, Americans and
Koreans are very much alike,

but there's one difference.

In America, if a politician
take a bribe, he go to jail.

In Korea, if a
politician take a bribe,

he go to America.

(audience laughter)

(somber music playing)

Burl, you weren't at dinner.

I couldn't take any
more of the hijinks.

Are you coming to the
passenger talent show?

Sounds like a hoot.

I might even sing a song.

I hope the rest
of the passengers

packed their earplugs.

(Roz chuckles)

I think I'll skip it.

Did you love dad?

He was my husband.

Yeah, but did you love him?

I don't understand.

GOPHER: Mom, he's
been dead less than a year

and you're carrying on
like you don't give a damn.

Parties and booze and
God knows what else.

It's like you're thrilled.

You're happy he's gone.

Oh, Burl, no.

You couldn't mean that.

(somber music playing)

I wish I could say
something clever like,

I didn't see what just happened.

I'm your friend, and I saw.

I don't know what to do.

Don't do anything, okay?

You forgot the part
where I'm your friend.

When I got the phone call...

and the doctor told me
that my father had died,

I just kind of sat there, blank.

I didn't know how I felt.

Then I cried.

But I don't know if I cried
for him or if I cried for me.

Or maybe I just thought
I was supposed to cry.

All I know is that
someone that I loved...

wasn't there anymore.

(sobbing) Oh, it doesn't matter.

Hey, man.

It matters.

Yeah, tell that to my mother.

You brought her on a
cruise to cheer her up.

She's not dumb.

She understands that.

And she understands
that you're probably hurting

as much as she is.

And the two of you
sitting around grieving

is not going to
help the situation.

It's not going to bring your
father back, or her husband.

Gopher...

she's acting like this

because she doesn't
want you to see her pain

any more than you
want her to see yours.

(sniffles)

(theme music playing)

(audience laughter)

Swami, tell me, what do you see?

I see a woman with a...

A beautiful blonde
woman in her cabin.

But I... she...
she's voluptuous.

And there's a man
knocking on her door.

Wait.

There's another man
knocking on her door.

And another man
knocking on her door.

Hey. Where are you going?

To get in line.

(audience laughter)

Take a number!

(drum roll)

Three mediums, rare.

And now, continuing with
our passenger talent show,

representing the Promenade
Deck, the singing talent

of the incomparable Roz Smith.

(applause) (drum roll)

(instrumental music playing)

(music stops)

(music continues playing)

Hi.

There was something I
didn't say to you outside.

You're the top.

You're the... Coliseum.

You're the top.

You're the... Louvre Museum

♪ You're a melody from
a symphony by Strauss ♪

♪ You're a Bendel bonnet,
a Shakespeare's sonnet ♪

♪ You're Mickey Mouse ♪

(up-tempo music playing)

♪ You're the Nile ♪

♪ You're the Tower of Pisa ♪

♪ You're the smile
On the Mona Lisa ♪

♪ I'm a worthless check ♪

♪ A total wreck, a flop ♪

♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪

♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪

♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪

♪ You're the top ♪

(happy music playing)

(theme music playing)

Goodbye, Captain and Doc.

- Bye.
- Thanks for everything.

You're welcome. It
was great having you.

Did you, uh, get your
feature story on Jimmy?

Yes. I got the
pictures and the facts,

but someone else will
have to write the story.

Because a wife can't
testify against her husband.

Congratulations.

Ah, he's a talented man.

You know, I always had the
secret desire to be a comedian.

You're kidding?

No, I'm serious.

No, I'm serious? That's funny.

(laughs) That's very funny.

That's hilarious.

(theme music playing)

Would could have
happened to Lila?

Well, maybe she decided
you're not right for her after all.

Oh, that is cute.

- Extremely cute.
- Pau|.

I just got off the
phone to my dad.

I told him all about
you, about us.

He really wants to meet you.

He said he'd like
to help us start up

our restaurant in Philadelphia.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That is just fantastic. I...

Oh no, no, no.
Wait just a minute.

I could never accept
anything like that.

As your pilot, I will fly
you there personally.

As your lawyer, for a small
fee, I'll draw up the contracts.

No, fellas.

And as your psychiatrist,
if you refuse this proposal,

you are nuttier
than a fruitcake.

Well, what can I do?

My three new chefs
say I should take it.

(exclaims of happiness)

(theme music playing)

Hey, wait a second, fellas.

You fellas run a fun ship here.

Well, one can but try.

You're going to have
to take a vacation

to get over your vacation.

Oh, you're right!

What can I say?

You're the best,

and every time I see
you, I love you more.

And every time we
part, I miss you more.

Now, Mom, when you
come on another cruise,

you've got to do me a favor.

Name it.

When you're out by the pool,
do not blindfold the musicians.

GOPHER: The violins
are still drying out.

The piano's out of whack.

I love you.

I love you too.

Bye.

- Lyle, come on.
- Yep?

Ciao, big fella.

Bye.

Ciao, big fella?

Ciao, big fella?

Hey, wait a minute.

Mom, whatever happened
to old fashioned mothers?

(dramatic music playing)

(theme music playing)