The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 3, Episode 23 - Another Time, Another Place/Doctor Who/Gopher's Engagement - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard it's love ♪

(theme music playing)

(mariachi music playing)

Come here. Celia, you
must watch your posture.

Stand straight, darling.

And I wish you would
have worn the taffeta.

This print just doesn't do a
thing for your problem skin.

I like this dress, Mother.

Well, I certainly hope
there are going to be

some suitable
young men this time.

- The last three...
- Mrs. Elliot, Celia.

Why, Dr. Brisker,
you remembered us.

Who could forget?

Well, well, well, so
he couldn't forget you.

Oh, come on. He
was just being polite.

Wouldn't that be marvelous,
Dr. and Mrs. Adam Bricker?

You just leave
things to me, my dear,

and before this trip is over,

we just might have a
professional man in the family.

Welcome aboard.

MRS. ELLIOT: Thank you.

- Oh, hello, sir.
- Hello.

Has a Mr. Steve Bryan
been asking for me?

Oh, he's not a passenger.

It's just an old friend who
said he'd stop by before we sail.

Oh, no. I haven't seen him.

- Hmm. Thank you.
- Um-hmm.

Oh, hello. Welcome aboard.

I'm Sister Patricia.

We've been
expecting you, sister.

You're going to Acapulco?

my new assignment.

Captain, I want to thank you
and the steamship line for your

generosity for
my transportation.

I don't know how else I
would have gotten there.

airline strike is terrible.

It's our pleasure
to have you with us.

Oh, by the way, do
you happen to have

a paddle ball court on board?

Well, yes.

But, uh, will it be difficult
for you to play in your habit?

Well, it wouldn't
be very comfortable,

but I have other clothes.

Oh, yes, times have changed.

Yes, they have.

In some orders like mine,
you can wear anything you like.

Almost anything.

(laughing) Enjoy your cruise.

Jones, Jones.

Ah, here we are. Aloha 247.

Dr. Wilford Jones.

Oh, I... I wouldn't
use the word doctor.

It's confusing. I'm not an
MD. I'm a Ph.D. in astronomy.

On this cruise, I'm going to
be checking out a different kind

of heavenly body.


The ladies.

I... I've never been
too successful,

but this time I'm ready.

I just finished a crash
therapy course in

"How to be a Man for All Women".

And you passed?

This time I'm going to latch
onto the very first female I see

and I am not going to let go.

No, siree. The first one.

- Excuse me...
- Hi there.

Well, hello yourself.

Well, maybe the second.

I was wondering if I
could get a telegraph form?

Oh yes, of course.

(mariachi music playing)

I hope you enjoy the cruise.

This cruise looks like a bummer.

- Why?
- No kids.


- Uh, excuse me, Captain.
- Yes?

- I'd like to request a favor.
- Um-hmm.

I'm Dr. Marbey.


The Dr. Marbey.

Author of Let Sexual
Freedom Ring,

a runaway best seller that
tells everything about sex from...

Excuse me, I think
Julie needs some help.

So do I. Can't I stay?

Well, what can I
do for you, doctor?

I am desperately
in need of privacy.

So much so that I made my
reservation under another name.

- I understand.
- Good.

Then I shall hold you
personally responsible

that nobody finds
out that I'm aboard.


I never met a real
sex expert before.

This cruise can be
very educational.


- Excuse me.
- Oh hi.

- Hi.
- Can I be of assistance?

I'm Adam Bricker, the
beloved ship's doctor.

Oh, I think I'm in
pretty good shape.

I'll have to go along
with you on that.

Well, then perhaps
I can be of help.

I'm Assistant
Purser, Burl Smith.

Well, actually I'm looking
for another passenger,

a Dr. Michael Marbey.

I've got to meet him.

I don't have a Marbey listed.

Well, maybe he's
under another name.

Haven't you read his
book on sexual freedom?


Ah, oh. Perhaps we
can go over it together.

I love bedtime stories.


- Captain.
- Yes?

I'm looking for
Dr. Michael Marbey.

Oh, uh, well, have you, uh,
consulted the passenger list?

Ah, yes, but he's not listed.

But I got a tip from
a very reliable source

that he is on this cruise.

So whatever name he's
using, I intend to find him.

Well, don't look at me.

I didn't blab.

- Merrill.
- Steve.

Hey, I'd almost given you up.

Oh, this is my daughter, Vicki.

Oh, how are you little girl?

Nice to meet you.

Got to go.

Sorry I'm late, but
maybe I can make up for it.

I've got some big news.

Could you please tell me how
to send this wire to Acapulco?

I want to confirm I'm on my way.

Oh, I'll take care
of that for you.

(dreamy music playing)

Is anything the matter?

Well, uh, that man that
the Captain's talking to,

do you know who he is?


Oh, wait, that must be
the friend he's expecting.

Is his name, Bryan?

Yes, that's it. Steve
Bryan. Do you know him?


Oh. Well, if you want to talk
to him, you'll have to hurry.

I know he isn't going
to be sailing with us.

Oh, he isn't?
You're sure of that?

That's what the Captain said.
So if you want to see him...

I do.

But I won't.

I can't believe it.

Steve Bryan's giving up
the newspaper business,

a man who won
the Pulitzer prize?

Merrill, all my life I've
done nothing but work.

Never had time
for anything else.

Now it's going to be different.

I'm going to take a
vacation, a permanent one.

GOPHER: Your attention, please.

All ashore who are going ashore,

the ship will be
sailing in 20 minutes.

Well, you heard. I'm sorry.

I got another little
surprise. I'm staying aboard.

I managed a last
minute reservation.


This should be a good way
to start my new found freedom.

It Will be.

- Miss McCoy.
- Yes, sir.

Pass the word that this no
good loafer is to be spoiled rotten.

Yes, sir.

You're gonna have the
time of your life on this cruise.

Who knows? You
may even find romance.


(chuckles) That
would be a miracle.

Well, this is the Love Boat.
We have miracles by the hour.

Aw, some on.


(horn blowing)

(theme music playing)

- How's your game going?
- Fine.

Hi, I'm, uh, Wilford Jones.


Are you from California?


Me, too.

Small world, isn't it?

Well, it's been
nice talking to you.

Putting on lotion. Good idea.

You know, it's, uh, strange
how we all want to get tan,

equating dark and epidermal
pigmentation with good health

when actually
actinic rays can...

Cecilia, dear, I
found a better spot.

So much for science.

Hey, how's the new
approach working, doctor?

WILFORD: Slow, very slow.

Please, don't call me doc.

ISAAC: Sorry. I forgot.
It won't happen again.



Up here.

Mind if I join you?

Oh, oh no, no. Not at all.

Hi. I'm Evie Sue Miller.

My name, uh, I'm, uh, Jones.

Jones. I understand completely.

Jones. Not even Dr. Jones.

I'm so happy to meet you.

Maybe I shouldn't intrude.

Oh, intrude. Intrude.

You don't mind if I share
your little secret with you.

I promise I won't tell anybody.

I can't believe this
is happening to me.

You know, there's
a cozy bar inside.

Why don't we go and talk?

Oh, certainly. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, it's so obvious,

I might as well come
out flat and say it.

I get excited just being
around you Jonesy.


It must have fallen off when
I was playing shuffleboard.

Okay, what did
the ring look like?

It's a cluster of gold flowers
with lots of little diamonds.

Um, I'll tell you what let's
go to the Purser's office,

maybe somebody turned it in.

Oh, I hope.

What happened?

Ah, this piñata fell down
and all the toys came out.

- Hey.
- What?

You forgot one.

Whew. This is real fooler.

This looks like genuine
gold with diamonds.

Sell it to you for a nickel.

If I had that kind of
money, would I be working?

Four cents. What do you say?

I say stuff it.

(theme music playing)

Oh, I'll never live it down.

Skunked at paddleball by a nun.

Oh, I'm a ringer, Vicki.

I went through the convent
on an athletic scholarship.

Patti Feeney!

Well, Steve.

Is it really you?

Uh, as far as I can tell.

This is incredible!
How long has it been?

Twenty-five, thirty years?

Well, got to go, here.

I was crazy about you.

(chuckles) Crazy anyway.

That's no way to talk to a
guy who carried your books

all through school and
shared his ice cream sodas.

Remember one night we went
swimming out in Wooster Lake,

and the guy stole our clothes?

I hardly know how to begin.

How are you? How have you been?

I'm fine and so are you.

You're very famous
for an ex-skinny dipper.

Are you married?


No, and I'm not famous either.

But I've had a
very wonderful life.

Look, I've got to get rid of
these ship to shore clothes,

and I refuse to
settle for a quick chat.

Let's save it all for dinner.

We'll pick right up where
we left off 30 years ago.

Well, not quite.

You know, meeting you
just now, it's a godsend.

(theme music playing)


(theme music playing)

I really think the ship's doctor

should make himself
more available.

He probably has
patients to care for.

Do be more careful
of your diction, dear.

Speak distinctly.

You are a college
graduate, you know.

That will be very
important to us.

Isaac, you...

Yoo-hoo, Dr. B.

Uh, you called?

Celia and I were just going
to have a glass of wine.

Won't you join us?

Well, uh, perhaps later, but
right now I've got to attend

to Mr. Washington here.

Dizzy spells.

Oh, dear. What is it?

Well, I just started
feeling faint.

Everything started going around
and around counter clockwise.

That's the worst way.

Oh, well.

We'll look for you later.

Doc, Doc.

You don't have
to put up with her.

Isaac, her husband is a major
shareholder in this cruise line.

Now what's so funny?

Well, I... I was just thinking.

If Mrs. Elliott has her way,
we can all be working for you.

(theme music playing)

What a beautiful dress.

Oh, thank you, Captain.

It's a loner.

But it does beat
basic black, doesn't it?


Oh, Julie told me you're an
old friend of Steve Bryan's,

from which I cleverly
figured out that you must be

the Patti Feeney he's
been talking about.

He, uh, didn't refer to you
as "sister" so neither did I.

Well, I'll have to
break that to him.

Oh, speak of the
devil. Oh, I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean...
- That's quite all right.

You may be closer to
the truth than you think.

- Excuse me, Captain.
- Yes.

(soft music playing)

Look, old flame or not,
no dinner until you answer

a question that's been
bothering me for 30 years.

Why didn't you write to me
when I was in the service?

Well, I did.

My letters didn't
catch up with you,

and when they
started coming back,

well, I just gave up.

I thought maybe you'd
found someone else.

If you had, I'd have understood.

No, it wasn't that.

It was a very
painful time, Steve.

I really needed you.

You know, mother
died, and my brother...


Bill was missing in action.

I was really quite alone.

I... I didn't... I just
didn't want to go on.

I wish I'd known.

I tried to look you
up when I came back.

Well, I moved many times.

New faces, new places,
but nothing seemed to help.

And then I decided that I
had to find an inner peace,

something within myself.

You seemed to have found it.

I have with God's help.

- You said you weren't married?
- Uh-uh.

- Are you a widow?
- Uh-uh.

- Divorced?
- No.

But you're wearing
a wedding ring.

All nuns do.

I'm Sister Patricia.

Sister Patricia?

Patti Feeney, a nun?

Well, you don't look like a nun.

(chuckles) You can say
that again. That's incredible.

Look, uh, one more question.

I don't think two questions in
30 years is being too pushy.

(chuckles) Why didn't you
tell me all this this afternoon

when we first met?

I've been asking
myself that same thing.

The one thing about this
profession is that you try

to come up with
completely honest answers.

And the only answer I came
up with was very disturbing.

I guess I wanted to be Patti
Feeney just for a minute.

I'm sorry, Steve.

Oh, no, no. That's great.

There will be an evening
of dining and dancing

for both of you, Sister
Patricia and Patti,

during which there may
be a couple of questions

for, uh, one of you.

(theme music playing)

JULIE ON P.A.: Join us
tonight for gay 90's night

in the Acapulco Lounge.

What is it that makes
starlight so romantic?

Because there is no such thing.

Come on.

No, that's sunlight.

Those are all
suns far, far away.

That's Arcturus, the light
from there travels 35.5 years

to get here tonight so it
could sparkle in your eyes.

You're something.

You know, you're different than
any man I've ever been with?

I feel I could trust you.

I can tell you my problem,
and you'd understand.

Do you mind?

No, go right ahead.

Your problem?

How could a beautiful girl
like you have a problem?

Now, that is the problem.

It's just that I developed at
an early age and I feel that men

have an immediate
conclusion about me.

I mean, they see the body

and they don't bother
to look for anything else.

That's been my trouble
too in a reverse way.

Girls see a short studious guy
and become instant sprinters.

I've dealt with it
by withdrawing.

Oh sure, you, a
famous sex expert.

Sex expert?

Well, that's what people
think of you, Dr. Marbey.

Oh, I know I'm not supposed
to use your real name.

Oh, I've offended
you. Nobody heard us.

You mean, all the time
you've been thinking...


All I want from you
is to go to my cabin

and autograph my book.

You, uh, your cabin?

Dr. Marbey's pleased to oblige.

♪ You were 16 ♪

♪ You were 16 ♪

♪ My village queen ♪

♪ My village queen ♪

♪ Down by the old mill stream ♪

♪ The old mill stream ♪



You were great, Vicki, great.

But I think it's your bedtime.

Oh, how can you hang a curfew

on an old guy with a mustache?

Still your bedtime.

I love you, Captain Merrill.

But you're a party pooper.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Really, darling? That hat.

And don't toy with your glass.

Oh, that poor girl.

Her mother never
leaves her alone.

Gopher, ask her to dance.


But I don't know a step
for three of us, do you?

Ooh, nice touch.

Good evening, everyone.

- Hi, Gopher.
- Have you seen the doctor?

No, but don't worry about
it. This is my natural color.

(music continues playing)

Oh, Mrs. Elliott
is looking for you.

The passenger who lost
her ring is still very upset.

Well, post a notice. Did
you get a description?

Yes, sir. She said the ring
is a clustered gold flower

with a lot of little diamonds.

Said it's worth $5000.

- Is she still here?
- Five thousand dollars!

(theme music playing)

Ah, Gigi, thank
heaven for pretty girls.

(French accent) Gopher,
vous exes bananas.

(French accent) Mademoiselle,
I must make to you

the, uh, confession.

I am not a poor stowaway.

I am instead, Henri Dartagnon,
a rich wealthy millionaire.

Please except this small
bauble, from ma coeur.

And wear it always toujour.

Celia, I mean this, you
really are a great girl.

Things are going to
start coming your way.

(theme music playing)

Oh, there you are. Come dear.

This night air,
you'll get a chill.

Good night, Gopher.

Bon soir, ma Cherie.

Come, Celia.

You know how
susceptible you are too cold.

(theme music playing)

Sister Patricia, I have
very great respect for you.

But if you don't mind, I'd
like to talk with Patti Feeney.

Well, I'm sorry, but
she's washing her hair.

Is there a message?

Yes, there is a message.

It's a very simple one.

Tell her that, uh,

I want to spend the
rest of my life with her.

I was hoping that that's
what you would want too.

Oh, that's impossible.


When I saw you this afternoon,

I... I knew what was
missing in my life.

I have a commitment.

Had a commitment.

I had one too.

We both served our time.

Steve, I like what I do.

In 48 hours, I'll be in Acapulco

with my children in
the convent school.

And you, well, you'll
be where you are.

And we'll both be back on track.

Right now, I think we're
living a little in the past.

I'm not talking past.
I'm talking future.

Well, old honesty makes me
admit that I've always been attracted

to you, but Steve,
the church is my life,

and I can't change.


(theme music playing)

Come on. Give me a hand.

It's gotta be in one of these.

What's gotta be in one of these?

A $5000 diamond ring.

Hey, listen, why don't
you just lie down and relax.

How can I when five
grand worth of diamonds

in one of these birds.

Well, maybe it's in one
of the cute little fishies.

The racing cars, planes,
but no diamond rings.

Well, those are the breaks.

You saw it. Remember
that ring I found.

It's real.

What do you mean it's real?

A passenger lost it, $5000 real.

Are you sure?


I didn't put it in
there. I kept it.

That's a relief.
Well, let's have it.

I gave it to Celia for a joke.

(theme music playing)

Well, unless you can
afford five grand for a laugh,

you'd better get it back.

I'm sure he was
only making a joke.

Oh, never.

On the kind of
money that boy makes,

he could never afford
this kind of a joke.

Only an Assistant Purser.

We'll have to do
something about that.

A quick promotion.
Your father can arrange it.

- Mother, please...
- I was hoping for the doctor,

but well, beggars
can't be choosers.

- I don't even know him.
- Oh, please dear.

Don't bother me with trifles.

Now, the thing that we have
to do is find a decent caterer

who can do something
besides a soggy quiche.

(knock on door)

But the wedding cake, we'll
get Mr. Bellmont to do that.

Oh, uh, hi.

Could I speak to
Celia for a minute?

Oh, well just for a minute.

You know this thing
has really drained us,

and I don't even
know your full name.

- Bur| Smith.
- Smith?

Just plain S-M-I... (chuckles)

Oh well, I suppose
it can't be helped.

I came about the ring.

And I don't know a
thing about your people.

Gopher, did you really
mean what you said?

MRS ELLIOT: Of course, he did.

(Celia sniffles)

Oh, darling,
please don't sniffle.

It's not the least bit becoming.

She's totally distraught.

Now, darling, why don't you
run along, get ready for bed,

and we'll talk about
things in the morning.

You know, we had these
piñatas, it's the craziest thing.

And perhaps you'd better
come back too in the morning.

We'll all have clearer heads.

Yeah, but this will
only take a second.

See, I just wanted
to talk about the ring.

Oh, well don't
apologize, it's not much,

but it'll just have to do.

No, no. Um, yes, but...

You know, you two
are really quite naughty.

Rushing things along like this.

It's not at all the
way I had planned

for Celia to become engaged.

Yeah, but I just wanted
to say about the...


(dramatic music playing)

(theme music playing)

You know, it never
ceases to amaze me

when a stunning
looking girl like that

would settle for a... well,
you know, ordinary type.

Oh, the ordinary type
should be grateful.

Um, speaking for
myself of course.

Now, now. Of course.

Well, I think it's just a simple
case of opposites attracting.

Oh, it's more than opposites.

That girl is dating
right out of her species.

You know, I'd like
to interview her,

but I think she would resent it.

Not her. She's a
big fan of yours.

She heard a rumor you were here,

and said she was
determined to find you.

Oh, a lady of
good taste as well.

In that case, I definitely
will introduce myself.

(theme music playing)

Gopher, you can't stay in
your cabin for the whole cruise.

You'll lose your job.

What else can I do?

You have to tell her
mother you're not engaged.

After which you will
also lose your job.

It's Celia that I feel for.

She never gets around much,

and now she's finally
starting to groove,

and I have to tell her that
it was all a great big joke.

Hey, Celia, guess what?

The ring I gave you, it's just
a plastic toy from a piñata.

Great, huh?

Poor kid doesn't have
enough confidence as it is

with her mother
always putting her down.

This will probably
really squash her.

Gopher, it has to be done.

I already spoke with
the girl who lost her ring,

and she understands, but
she wants her ring back.

Hey, you know what might
make Celia feel better?


If she were to break
off the engagement

and give the ring
back on her own.

Wait a minute.

You mean, try to convince
her that I am not charming

and wonderful and totally
delightful and hyper virile?


That'd be a tough sell.

Feeney, the deal is off.

I refuse to have anything
more to do with you.

You cheated.

You didn't grow old with me.

Oh, come on. Just one more game.

I'll let you win.

Can I trust you?

No. I'm not going
to take a chance.

Well, if you meant what
you said about retiring,

you'd have plenty of time
to keep yourself in shape.

Well, I meant it all
right. I'm through.

I'm going to leave everything
for the young bloods coming up.

Just like you ought to do.

A new commercial coming up.

Well, I'm selling
you a great product.

You know something, Steve?

You haven't let up on the work.

You've been to the
ship to shore telephone

at least a dozen times.

Well, just tying up loose ends.

No, I'm through.

I'm going to devote full time
to an elusive Patti Feeney,

and I wouldn't want you to
change from the person you are.

I wouldn't want
you any different.

And you can go
on doing good work.

But for now on, we're
going to do them together.

Brother Bryan, you have a
way of being mighty unsettling.

And you have a way
of being mighty special.

Well, we're all mighty special.

Sometimes we forget it.

STEVE: You are very wise.

Wise enough, I hope, not
to let the rest of our years

slip away from us.

(theme music playing)

Attention, please.

Ladies and gentleman we'll
be leaving port in 30 minutes.

The next stop, Acapulco.

You know, it's so late,

we hardly have time
to change for dinner.

It was a wonderful
afternoon, wasn't it?

One of the best of the century.

Um-hmm. Just think
tomorrow, Acapulco.

Now what, dear Jonesy, are
we going to do in Acapulco?

Oh, they have a wonderful
library and museum.


Or beach cabanas with
mariachis and margaritas.

Oh, tough choice.

Yes, I prefer the educational.

Me too. Margaritas
and mariachis.


(theme music playing)

You know, you haven't
autographed my book yet.

Well, one thing led
to another and I forgot.

You could do it now.

True, true.

Or one thing could
lead to another.

Ooh, certainly worth a try.

Uh, excuse me.

I wonder if you
could spare a minute?

For what?

In the interest of
the humanities,

I'm, uh, I'm
conducting a survey.

You certainly picked
the wrong time.

My apologies.

Uh, perhaps we could talk
tomorrow before we dock.

Yes, I think that
would be a lot better.

I'm Dr. Marbey.

He's Dr. Marbey,
aren't you Jonesy?

I'm Dr. Michael Marbey.

You're Dr. Marbey,
aren't you, Jonesy?

Aren't you, Jonesy?

I'm sorry, Evie.

(somber music playing)

(door closes)

Is there a problem?

(theme music playing)

Is Gopher here? He phoned me.

He's up on the top deck.

He's trying to sober up.

Sober up?


Listen, take some
advice from me.

Before anything serious
happens, dump him.

He's been like that ever
since his first wife left him.

He's been married before?

Three times.

But he's so young.

Betty, Carol, Ann and Peggy.

- That's four.
- What do you know?

He didn't even tell
me about the last one.

I can't believe it.

He's always like this.

- You all right, man?
- A quart of anything.


Betty, Carol, Ann, Peggy.

Ha-ha, all right.

You poor boy.

Listen, we'll work
this out, together.


Hey, Betty, don't
you want to join me

in a couple triple boilermakers?

Not now.

But, uh, stop by later in my
cabin and see me, Mr. Smith.

(soft music playing)

I should probably change.

Your life.

(theme music playing)

Well, this is it.

Now, we're here and we'll be
in Acapulco tomorrow morning.

A straight course.

A straight course.

I understand
what you're feeling.

I once had my own
time for decision,

a sea or a home
ashore with a lovely lady.

Why do we ever
let it come to that?

Any regrets?

There would have
been regrets either way.

That's Hobson's choice.

Sometimes it's very painful.

And then again,
it's filled with joy.

It's obvious he cares
for you very much.

(theme music playing)

I care for him too.

We've shared a lot together,

and now I meet him again

and in these few days,
I've relived my entire life.

And what he wants,

that would mean rethinking
my entire existence.

It would be a big change,

and everything resists
change, even the ship.

After the rudder turns,
the big ship continues on,

sometimes for a mile before
it accepting the new direction.

Like us, it wants things to
go on like they always were.

Staying on course.


It sounds right, but is it?

Well, we'll know in 24 hours.

I wish you the best,
though I honestly don't know

which way I'll be rooting.

Neither do I.

(theme music playing)

JULIE: Oh, Sister Patricia.


Mr. Bryan had to
leave the ship early.

- Oh?
- Yes. He left at dawn.

Said he didn't
want to disturb you.

Oh, and he also said he
was going to stop by the

local news bureau and...

Tie up some loose ends.


Well, it's time that I leave.

They're expecting
me at the convent.

Oh, he said he'd meet you
there at noon to pick you up

and also that he was
saying his prayers.

Well, it's about time.

Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Sister, vaya con dios.


(soft music playing)

What are you doing here?

I got a note from
Dr. Marbey to meet him here.

- Oh.
- Oh, I get it.

You don't know
when to quit, do you?

I didn't send it. I got one too.

Correct. I sent them both.

After all, you know, I feel a
twinge of responsibility for

your breakup, and I decided
to show you how easy it is

for your relationship
to be restored.

All you need is a
supreme authority.

Forget it. You did me a favor

getting rid of this
two-bit phony.

Oh now, that's not fair.

Obviously, both of you have
enormous amounts of latent anger

in you that has to be expressed.

EVIE: Don't talk
to me about fair.

You're the one who lied
to me about who you were.

I didn't tell you who I was.

You did. You started it.

I have brought along a rather
crude little demonstration

of your problems.

Simple sexual
miscommunication, man, woman.

As you observe, they're
not open to each other.

You had plenty time to
explain. What did you do?

You just kept stringing me
along, you little pipsqueak.

Now, being derisive is not a
practical therapeutic avenue.

Open yourself up to him.
There's no need to call names.

Pipsqueak, pipsqueak.

I'd rather be a pipsqueak
than a hypocrite.

Now, young man,
your psychic reactor

should be open to
her too, you know.

Hypocrite? How dare
you call me a hypocrite.

You poured your heart out to
me about how you hated people

who judged only by appearance.

Now what have you done to me?

Well, sometimes as you see,

there's open here and
sometimes closed there.

Antithetically, it might be
closed there or open here.

Sometimes one
end is open this way.

You became interested in me

because of who you thought
I was, not who I really was.

- MARBEY: Goes out this way.
- You didn't have to lie to me.

What you don't realize is that
the who you fell in love with,

that's right, in love was
not some phony image.

- It was me.

That's right, not Dr. Dingbat.

But this guy right here.

Numero uno.

MARBEY: Rotate your
whole-being antennas

Dis-involve your self
from preconceptions.

Rotate. Rotate.

Just keep rotating...
(both) Shut up!

You're right about one thing.

I should have said
something sooner.

But I didn't want to lose you.

Oh, Jonesy.

I want you, but uh...

you think you could
love a pipsqueak?


But I can love you.

(theme music playing)

Oh, uh, by the way, I
ought to introduce myself.

I'm, uh, Dr.- that's
not MD., PhD. Wilford.

You're going to love this.


Oh, Jonesy.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

(theme music playing)

Well, another success.

Did it again, Marbey.

(theme music playing)

Gopher, you've
just got to tell her

you never intended
an engagement.

Doc, you tell her.

You'd be better at it.
You understand women.

You've been
divorced three times.

Poor kid, she'll kill herself.

Sit here.

You haven't even kissed me yet.

Yeah, well, I don't think
you're going to want me to

when you hear
what I have to say.

Go ahead.

I'll take a chance.

Celia, you're a special girl.

You are, and that's why
I hate what I have to say.

That the engagement
was never meant to be?

It's worse than that.

You see, the
engagement was never...

It's okay, Gopher.


Now, we don't
want any vulgarity.

Celia, dear, I've just been

thinking about
the silver pattern.

No pattern, Mother.

The engagement is off.

I've decided that Gopher and I

are just going to
be good friends.

Good friends?

I've already phoned
an order for my dress.

Oh, Celia, you
can't do this to me.

Oh, my poor head.

Maybe you should
see Dr. Bricker.

Celia, I'm shocked.


Now please leave us alone.

What's going on here?

I almost had my
dress ordered too.

I was in the bar a
few minutes ago.

Isaac told me the whole story
so I gave the ring back to Betty.

Ah... Celia, I feel awful.

So did I at first,
but it's okay.

It was fun being
engaged even by mistake.

And Gopher, you did
me the biggest favor.

Now my mother has seen
that I can not only find a guy

by myself, but I can
also turn one down.

So maybe she'll give
me some breathing space.


Wasn't all her fault.

I have to be more confident
about leading my own life.

And I'm going to do just that.

I see.

(French accent) Well, um,
newly confident girl, I'm off duty.

Would you like to go
for a little run ashore

with your ex-fiancé, hmm?

Thanks, but I'm going
to go with the gang.

And besides, it
wouldn't be fair to

Betty, Carol, Ann or Peggy.


Going to kill herself, huh?

Sounds like a fun funeral.

(theme music playing)

You look so beautiful,
sister, and so peaceful.

Later, when the children
come out of the classroom,

it will not be so peaceful.

Beautiful, yes, but
peaceful... (chuckles)

Pardon me, Sister Patricia.

Are you feeling well?

Was the trip too strenuous?

Oh, no.

No. The trip was fine.

As a matter of fact,
it was delightful.

I'm glad you found it enjoyable.

We have a visitor.

We can resume later.

Excuse me, sister.

Uh, Sister Patricia?


You know, this is the
first time I've seen you...

- Look like a nun?
- (Steve chuckles)

I'm still the same
old Patti Feeney.

I'm sorry I'm late, but
the phone calls, lawyers.

Sounds like they need you.

They can get along
very well without me.

Can you get along without them?

(chuckles) You just watch.

Come on, change your
clothes. We got to catch a boat.

We're so much alike, Steve.

We have a purpose in life.

And that purpose is our life.

You know, if I had a question,
it was answered the moment

I stepped foot in this convent,
and I saw the faces of those

little children in the school.

They're my purpose.

I'll be very happy
and very fulfilled.


Don't do this to us.

When I was a little girl and I
wanted to keep from crying,

I used to go into our backyard
and I'd look up at the sky

and I talked to God,
and I talked to myself

until the pain in my
heart went away.

Patti, we belong to each other.

I've never been
more sure of anything.

Goodbye, Steve.

Will we meet again?

Another time, another place.

But this other time,
this other place,

does it ever really happen?

I've never been
more sure of anything.

(soft music playing)

Vaya con dios, Steve.

(dramatic music playing)

(theme music playing)

Bye, Gopher.

You look super.

Are you sure you wouldn't
consider unjilting me?

I'll be too busy.

I'm going to get a job,
move into my own apartment

and really make it on my own.

That's great.

But I'll always
remember my first love.

Oh, one thing.

Try and stay sober, huh?

Oh, doctor, we hope
you enjoyed your cruise.

Well, your Captain is
certainly a man of his word.

He didn't tell a single
soul that I was aboard

during the whole trip.

Not one person asked
for autographs or advice.

As a matter of fact, doctor, I
have a few questions to ask.

Vicki! Doctor, she'll get
back to you in a few years,

won't you?

Bye. Thanks for sailing with us.

Well, everything
worked, huh, Mr. Jones?

Oh, you can call me doctor.

Will you do me a favor?

Will you tell the Captain
thank you, thank you, thank you

for not telling who
Dr. Marbey was?

Right. I'm sure he'll be happy
not to have been of service.

Come along, love. Let's
go autograph some books.

You know, I just received
the most disturbing message

from my husband.


He's thinking of selling all
his stock in this cruise line.

He is?

But I'll still be
coming on the cruises.

I have another
daughter you know,

and I'm sure you're
going to like her.

Well, that all depends
on your husband.

(theme music playing)

Well, so long, Steve.

What can I say?

The usual clichés.

Everything turned
out for the best.

You're going back to the job?

Yeah, but I'm going to
practice up on my paddleball

just in case there's a big
hereafter, I want to be ready.

- So long.
- Bye.

(theme music playing)

(theme music playing)