The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 2, Episode 20 - Best of Friends/Aftermath/Dream Boat - full transcript
( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something ♪
♪ For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( "Love Boat"
instrumental theme playing)
( indistinct chatter)
Dr. Akers?
Bricker?
It can't be.
Adam Bricker, the boy wonder.
What on earth are
you doing here?
Well, I finally found a way to
combine business with pleasure.
I'm the ship's doctor.
Lorna, you remember
Adam Bricker.
Good to see you again.
Good to see you again.
I see you've already
met Julie McCoy.
Yes, we have.
Mmm. I can still taste
that chili you used to make.
That's the longest case of
heartburn I've ever heard of.
( both laugh)
Well, you can see
where I ended up.
What about you? Are you still
Chief Surgeon at City Hospital?
No, no. I'm no
longer practicing.
Actually, I had
nothing to say about it.
It seems our car got into
a slight misunderstanding
on the freeway
with a station wagon.
So, plastic.
Naturally, I had to retire.
Well, what good is a
doctor who can't play golf?
( chuckles)
Well, it was a
pleasure meeting you.
We'll be seeing each other.
I'd love to.
( sighs)
What a shame.
He was a brilliant surgeon.
Oh, he seems to have
adjusted very well.
I've never seen
anything phase that man.
I once saw him operate
on two emergency cases
at the same time.
Quite a doctor.
Well, you must have been
quite a doctor yourself,
boy wonder.
Actually, that name was
given to me by the nurses.
Oh?
Oh. Excuse me.
I'm sorry. It's my fault.
I was just looking
for my makeup.
Makeup? You don't need it.
How can you
improve on perfection?
( laughs): Well, thank you.
Listen, uh, could I
interest you in the moon?
Huh? I'm an expert on the moon.
Really.
I'll tell you what, meet
me on the promenade deck
tonight at 11:00 and
I'll point it out to you.
Oh, well...
I'll have to have time
to think about that.
I just thought about
it. I'll see you at 11:00.
Excuse me, could you tell me
if Gwen Winters has
come on board yet?
Not yet.
Oh, well, when you see her
could you ask her to call
me in my cabin right away?
I'd be glad to. But you're gonna
have to tell me who you are.
Oh, sorry.
Uh, Carol. Carol Gilmore.
Oh, yes. Are you
and Miss Winters
travelling together?
Sort of. We're old
friends from college
and she's engaged now
and she's coming on
board with her fiancé.
Hey. WOMAN: Carol?
Gwen, how are you? You made it.
Hey. Well, where is
he? Where is the victim?
He should be here.
Wait till you meet him.
You're gonna love him.
And if I don't, we can always
find you somebody else.
( both laugh)
Isn't this fabulous?
It's gonna be such
a romantic cruise.
Yes.
I was just thinking
the same thing myself.
Captain Stubing, sir? Yes?
Uh, your copy of
the passenger list, sir.
Oh, thank you. Yes.
Mr. and Mrs... What's this?
Marmalade, sir.
Mr. and Mrs. Marmalade.
No, it's just plain marmalade.
I was going over
the list at breakfast.
Here's your copy of
the weather report, sir.
Thank you.
Southwesterly winds, five knots,
light seas and a
possible increase in...
Maple syrup.
When I told you I
wanted you to eat,
sleep and drink your work,
I meant it as a
figure of speech.
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry.
Yes, well, from now on
bring me reports
with less calories.
( chuckles)
I will.
Oh, captain,
are you always so informal
with your crew, captain?
Well, I'm not exactly
Captain Bligh.
( chuckles): Mr...?
Schmidt, Karl Schmidt.
Ah, Herr Schmidt.
Tell me, captain, do
you like your job here?
Like it? I love it. Why?
Because you may not
have it much longer.
( dramatic theme playing)
( ship horn blows)
( "Love Boat"
instrumental theme playing)
Carol.
Oh, hi.
Well, where is he?
Don't tell me you've
broken up already?
He's not getting away.
He's one in a million.
Well, he certainly must be.
Conservative old Gwen
marrying a man she's only
known a couple of months.
Well, when you meet
Mr. Right, you know it.
I was just thinking
the same thing myself.
Don't tell me. Mh-hm.
I met someone.
And you think he's Mr. Right?
Well, he may not be Mr. Right,
but he is certainly Mr. Smooth.
We barely met when he asked me
for a stroll in the moonlight.
Well, where is he?
Don't tell me you
broke up already.
Oh, Gwen, wait till you see him.
You will go absolutely bananas.
( laughs)
Here comes Paul. Paul.
( uneasy theme playing)
Hi. Hi, hon.
Well, my two favorite
people finally meet.
Carol, right?
Uh, Gwen's told me
so much about you,
I feel I already know you.
( laughs)
Yes, I, um... feel I
know you already too.
Well, isn't...? Isn't
this wonderful.
All the sun and everything.
Yeah.
I bet it's really something
in the moonlight, as well.
Bet it is.
Anybody for margaritas?
Me.
I'll get them.
No talking behind my back.
He's trying a little too hard.
But you do like him, don't you?
Yeah. Sure.
Is there something
you don't like about him?
Let me work on it.
( laughs)
( content theme playing)
Mr. Schmidt, may I sit down?
Oh, by all means, Herr Kapitan.
Thank you.
This morning you
said something that...
I must say has left
me a bit disturbed.
Oh, that, that you may not
have your job much longer.
Yes.
Forgive my bluntness,
but what exactly
are we talking about?
Nothing sinister, I assure you.
Tell me, Captain Stubing,
have you ever heard of
a ship called the Lorelei?
That's like asking a quarterback
if he's heard of the Super Bowl.
It's only the finest
luxury liner afloat.
Have you ever seen her?
Yes. Once.
They broke the mold
when they built that ship.
( chuckles)
If she were a painting, she'd
be hanging in the Louvre.
Then what would you
say, Captain Stubing,
if someone told you that
you are being considered
for the captain of the Lorelei?
What would I say?
Any captain would sell his soul
to stand on that bridge.
I represent the owners
of the Lorelei, captain.
And you are being
considered for that position.
And my feeling is,
that you're our man.
You're serious?
Quite serious.
( quirky theme playing)
Carol.
I've been looking for
you. We have to talk.
Do we? Yes.
GWEN: There you are.
Please keep our date
tonight. It's important.
Hi.
I was just picking
up some magazines.
Well, don't be long. I don't
want to waste this sunshine.
So, Carol, where's Mr. Smooth?
Oh, things got a little rougher
once I got to know him.
It seems that he,
uh... He has a girl.
Aw, that's too bad.
That never stopped
you in high school.
You were on the top of
the senior girls' enemies list.
Isn't like you. You used
to get anybody you wanted.
Yes, well, life is much more
complicated than high school.
( chuckles)
You coming with us, Carol?
No thanks. Postcard time.
We'll see you for
dinner, won't we?
Mm-hm. For sure. Bye.
Look, She likes you. I know.
She'll warm up
to you. You'll see.
BRICKER:: I
remember the first time
I assisted at one
of your operations.
Las Vegas show girl,
an appendectomy.
How could you
possibly remember that?
Well, for one thing,
it was the first time I ever saw
a patient asked out for dinner
in the middle of an operation.
I bet she would have said
yes, if she'd been awake.
( chuckles)
You know, Adam, you were
almost as good with that scalpel
as you were with the ladies.
You could have made
a damn fine surgeon.
Well, I guess my heart was
always in general practice.
You know what
they say about GP's?
In this age of increasing
accomplishment
the GP learns less and
less about more and more
until finally he knows
nothing about everything.
While the specialist learns more
and more about less and less
till finally he knows
everything about nothing.
Touché.
But why here?
Well, what's wrong with here?
Well, look around you.
This isn't exactly the
front lines of medicine.
I mean, there's
important work to be done,
lives to be saved. And
here you are, Adam,
lying in the sun giving aspirin
to vacationing debutantes.
Now what kind of professional
accomplishment can you get?
Well, it's not all
aspirins and sunburn.
We've had emergencies
here... Adam.
Get the most out
of life that you can.
You never know when it might
suddenly be taken away from you.
See you later.
( gentle theme playing)
The captain's in the running
for skipper of the Lorelei, huh?
You sure you heard that right?
Positive.
I majored in eavesdropping
at bartender school.
It'll be kind of sad
losing the captain.
Yeah, but what a break for him.
Yeah. When does he
find out if he gets the job?
Well, I think it all depends
how much he impresses
Schmidt on this cruise.
Then let's make sure the captain
does impress Herr Schmidt, huh?
Oh, look, dear, there's
a bridge tournament later
and a shore excursion
in the morning.
I think it's wonderful
how you manage
to entertain so
many people so well.
Oh, well, thank you.
Actually, it's the right captain
that makes or breaks a cruise.
If you're having a good time,
it's the captain
you should thank.
We'll do that, the
next time we see him.
Well, just turn around.
WOMAN: Oh, captain.
Yes?
Captain, we wanted
to compliment you
on the beautiful
job you're doing,
making all of us
feel so comfortable.
Thank you very much. Um...
Excuse me, captain, would
you sign this for me, please?
( cheerful theme playing)
Of course. Thank you, sir.
Uh, thank you again,
Mr. and Mrs. Magwich.
Ralph, he remembered our name.
It's nice to have
you aboard again.
The third time, isn't it?
( inaudible whispers)
Captain, I'm impressed
with your passenger relations.
Well...
To think that you
remembered their names.
STUBING: It's nothing.
May I buy you a drink,
Herr Kline? Oh, thank you.
And the name is Schmidt.
( relaxed theme playing)
Dr. Akers, I understand
you were a pioneer
in open heart
surgical techniques.
It must be very
satisfying for you knowing
that you've saved many lives
that would have
been lost 20 years ago.
Thank you very much, captain.
It's the job of a
doctor to save lives.
Although I've noticed lately
some of my colleagues
are much more interested
in, uh, having a good time.
I used to be much
more handy with a knife.
Here, let me help.
I don't need any
help. Thank you.
If this steak were a patient,
we'd have to notify
the next of kin.
( laughs)
Excuse me, Captain
Stubing, sir, sorry to interrupt,
but we have an emergency
that requires immediate attention.
What kind of emergency, Gopher?
I'd rather not say, sir.
No need to alarm the passengers.
Oh, just the captain, hm?
Duty calls. Excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen.
Isn't the captain magnificent?
I don't know what
we'd do without him.
What's happening, Miss McCoy?
Oh, the digi plot
computer is out of order,
and Captain
Stubing's going to have
to navigate by the stars,
like they did in the old days.
I imagine we won't see more
of the captain this evening.
Well, you never can tell.
The man is a whiz with
electronic equipment.
He knows how to repair it?
The man is a genius.
Oh, excuse me, won't you?
That is the emergency?
You took me away
from my dinner guests
to show me a nail
sticking out of a rail.
Yes, sir. How do you
think we ought to handle it?
I suggest that you find a hammer
and hit the nail until
it is no longer sticking out.
Oh. Why didn't I think of that?
I guess that's how you got
to be captain and I didn't.
( playful theme playing)
( sighs)
( soft jazz music playing)
This isn't like Carol.
She's never late.
She'll show.
Have your soup, it'll get cold.
I was hoping you two
would like each other.
Gwen, I think she is super.
I'm glad.
I'll bet I know what it is.
What what is?
Carol.
She's probably still
upset about that guy.
What guy?
She met him when she
was coming on board.
Apparently he turned
out to be a real creep.
Oh.
Well, we really shouldn't judge.
Believe me, if he hurt
Carol, he's a creep.
I'm sorry it took so long.
Back so soon.
Well, everything's
back to normal.
Oh, you fixed it.
Yes.
Just needed a few
whacks with a hammer.
Good as new.
( quirky theme playing)
Dr. Akers, glad I ran into you.
I wondered, would you like
me to show you and Mrs. Akers
around Puerto Vallarta tomorrow?
Well, thank you very much,
Adam. But I think I'll spend the day
lying on deck with
the other invalids.
Art.
But thank you very
much, Adam, for the offer.
I'm glad to see that
you're branching out.
Part-time doctor.
Part-time tour operator.
Not bad. Well,
Dr. Akers... Goodnight.
I'm sorry. He gets
like this sometimes.
He doesn't mean
the things he says.
( sighs): I don't
know him anymore.
Surgery is his whole life.
It's the only thing
he ever wanted to do.
Since the, uh, accident...
he feels useless.
But he's not useless. With
his surgical knowledge,
he could teach at any
medical school in the country.
He could write books.
I know.
I've tried to tell him,
he won't listen to me,
he won't listen to anyone.
I keep hoping that with time...
I'm sorry you had
to see him like this.
He was always so
fond of you, Adam.
If there's anything I can do...
No, I'm afraid there's
nothing anybody can do.
Good night.
Goodnight, Mrs. Akers.
( tender theme playing)
Well, there you are.
I thought maybe you ran off
with the charming Dr. Bricker.
Why did you have to
be so rough on him?
Oh, come on. I was only kidding.
You know, I wish this
ship had television.
I'd like to watch a
rerun of The Fugitive
and root for the one-armed man.
Please, Arthur, no more jokes.
Well, you know
what they say, darling.
Laughter is the best medicine.
After all,
it's the only kind of medicine
I'm practicing these days.
( whispers): Arthur.
( upbeat jazz theme playing)
GWEN: Carol?
Where have you been?
Why didn't you
join us for dinner?
Oh, I'm not hungry.
All right. Out with it.
What don't you like about him?
Oh, nothing.
You're just imagining things.
Carol.
Look, believe me,
it's not important.
It's very important to me.
I'm gonna be spending
the rest of my life
with this guy.
Well, remember you're the one
that dragged this out of me.
Go on.
Well, uh...
your fiancé and I
bumped into each other
before you came on board.
So?
He's the man that asked
me out for a date tonight.
No. I'm supposed to meet him
on the promenade deck at 11:00.
I don't believe you.
Well, why would I lie?
Paul wouldn't do that.
Why don't you go up
to the promenade deck
and see for yourself.
I just might do that.
( band playing soft jazz)
Hey, I thought only dentists
were allowed to look
down in the mouth.
I thought only Henny Youngman
was allowed to make bad jokes.
Well, I'll stop if you will.
What's wrong?
Oh, nothing.
It's just something
Dr. Akers said.
I don't think he's
very impressed
with the job I do here.
Why do you care so much
what Dr. Akers thinks?
Oh, Gopher, the man was a giant.
You could fit my whole
career on his thumbnail.
Well, hey, you're a giant
in your own right too.
I mean, every port
we've ever anchored in
there are women who speak
your name with awed whispers.
Thanks.
Come on. I've always wanted
to dance with a living legend.
Okay, I'll dance with you.
I didn't mean you.
You mean there's another
living legend here tonight.
I know. But we
really weren't helping.
Doc needs some time to
figure things out for himself.
You're right.
Uh, there might be
somebody else we could help.
Good evening, Herr Schmidt.
Good evening, Miss
McCoy. Mr. Smith.
Uh, won't you sit down?
Thank you.
Call me Julie.
Thank you, Julie.
I'm Gopher.
Gopher?
Is there something
I can do for you?
Oh, no, sir, we're here
to do things for you.
Yes. The captain insists
that a good passenger
is a happy passenger.
A happy passenger is a good...
A good happy passenger is good.
Happy.
I see. Your captain must
be a truly remarkable man.
Oh, he is.
We all know that it's
just a matter of time
before some smart
far-sighted cruise line
just grabs him and moves him
onto bigger and better things.
It's quite a coincidence
that you should mention that.
Because I represent the
owners of a ship called the Lorelei,
whose captain
is about to retire.
You're kidding.
Did you hear that,
he's from the Lorelei.
Doesn't that beat all.
And they are looking
for the right man
to take over the captaincy.
He must be authoritative.
Oh, Captain Stubing
is very authoritative.
Exceedingly authoritative.
Understanding.
Except when he's
being understanding,
then he's being
understanding and authoritative.
Authoritatively understanding.
Our captain must be strong.
Oh, Captain Stubing's
very strong. He has a lot of...
Yeah. Yet tactful.
Strong tactfulness.
That's what Captain
Stubing's got.
In fact, the captain must
care for his ship like a mother.
Captain Stubing is a real...
Herr Schmidt, would
you like to dance?
Well, Captain Stubing
is a great dancer.
Sometimes we call
him the dancing skipper.
And other times we just
call him old soft shoe Stubing.
Sometimes just happy feet.
( content theme playing)
Hey, are you still there?
I'm still here. But what
happened to Paul?
Well, maybe he got cold feet.
Maybe you can't stand
to see two people happy.
Hey, I'm your best friend.
I don't want him to show
up as much as you do.
PAUL: Carol?
Sorry.
I've been trying to
get you alone all day.
You must think I'm a heel, huh?
Uh-huh. First class.
Well, it's always nice
to be tops in your field.
Look, I don't have
much of an explanation,
except that some of my
friends threw me a farewell party.
They were kidding
me about all the fun
I was gonna miss on this cruise
now that I'm practically
an old married man.
Anyway, I guess
it kind of got to me
because when I saw you I...
You thought you'd
have a fling with me.
Uh-huh.
With the most
beautiful girl I could find.
( somber theme playing)
Of course, one minute after
I made the date, I was sorry.
Because Gwen
means everything to me.
I guess what I'm
trying to say is
I won't be meeting you or
anybody else in the moonlight.
I mean that, Carol.
I'm very much in love
with your best friend.
Yay!
Hey, Gwen, you
were absolutely right.
( gasps)
Oh, I think that you...
No, we've got a problem.
Yes, a problem.
GOPHER: Oh, Captain Stubing.
Oh, captain,
it was a great idea your
changing course like that.
It's like sailing on glass.
He's incredible, isn't he?
Uh, excuse me. Pina
coladas, gentlemen?
No, thank you. Oh, thank you.
Oh, too bad.
Ever since the captain
suggesting adding grenadine,
we haven't been able
to make enough of these.
Mr. Smith, Miss McCoy,
what's come over you two?
Us? Us?
I think I know, captain.
They're obviously
trying to help you
make a good impression
so I will hire you
for the Lorelei.
That's impossible. I haven't
told anyone about that.
Crews have a way of
finding out these things.
Is that what you were doing?
I apologize for
them, Herr Schmidt.
Oh, please don't, captain.
Crew loyalty is
an excellent sign.
Although I've already
made my decision.
The job is yours if you want it.
Captain, you did it!
Congratulations, sir.
You're gonna be a biggie.
Wait a minute. I
haven't said yes yet.
Oh, but you will, won't you?
Of course he will.
If he didn't, he'd
be a stupid jerk.
Uh, a less than
intelligent person.
In my opinion.
( suspenseful theme playing)
Now what am I gonna do?
( "Love Boat"
instrumental theme playing)
Lorna, darling, it's
time for breakfast.
Keep up this pace
and we'll be, uh...
We'll be late for dinner.
Go ahead. I'm not hungry anyway.
I'd rather spend the
morning in the cabin.
You want me to roam
around the decks all alone?
All by myself.
I'm sure you'll find
something to do.
I'm sure I will.
Maybe I'll find a bridge
game that's short a hand.
( melancholy theme playing)
( door opens, closes)
( cheerful theme playing)
Ahem. Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
Any luck?
She won't even talk to me.
I nearly banged
in her cabin door.
I phoned. Even laid in wait
for her in the passageway,
but she gave me the brush.
I don't know what to do.
( sighs): It's all my fault.
No, you were only
looking out for your friend.
I'm sorry.
And to think I was afraid
you two wouldn't get along.
Oh.
Gwen.
You're making a mistake.
Paul is a... A wonderful guy.
Then you take him.
( quirky theme playing)
( sighs)
LORNA: Adam?
Hello. Hi, I was wondering
if you could refill this
prescription for me.
Well, let's have a look.
I've been having
a little trouble.
This was just filled a week ago.
Well... Fifty pills.
I, uh... I spilled
them in the sink.
They got a little wet. I
had to throw them out.
It's very clumsy of me.
Oh, well, nobody's perfect.
Do you mind if I get
them to you a little later.
Don't you have any here?
Well, I don't have that
much call for diazepam.
And they're below. I'll
have to dig them out.
I promise you'll have them
before the end of the day.
Good. That'll be just fine.
Thank you. Thank you.
Quite all right.
( suspenseful theme playing)
( cheerful theme playing)
And I said, "Oh, In that
case, I'll take a piece of that."
( both laugh)
Mr. Smith. Yes.
I will not stand for dawdling
when we have passengers
who may be needing
your assistance.
Do I make myself clear?
Yes, but I was just
telling a joke. See this...
Uh, we want jokes,
I'll hire Bob Hope.
Get back to work and
forget the ad-libbing.
( whistles)
And you, Mr. Washington,
forget your breakfast
this morning?
Or are you planning on
eating up all our profits?
Captain. It's a beautiful
day today, isn't it?
Well, thank you for
the weather report.
But I would prefer your report
on the guest
entertainers for next week.
Your report that
is two days late.
Morning.
Captain. Yes.
Weren't you a bit severe?
When I command a
ship I do things my way.
But, you can't...
And I would
greatly appreciate it
if you would tend
to your business
and allow me to tend to mine.
In short, Herr Schmidt, bug off.
( marching theme playing)
MAN ( over PA): Good afternoon
and welcome to Puerta Vallarta.
All those wishing
to go parasailing
meet on the Karl Deck
gangway in 10 minutes.
BRICKER: Dr. Akers.
Oh, hello, Adam. How are you?
How is medical Disneyland?
Any confetti overdoses today?
Um, Mrs. Akers asked me
to refill this prescription
this morning.
So?
Well,
tranquilizers are easy
to become dependent on,
and in my opinion... I
wrote this prescription
for Lorna after the accident.
You think you have
any qualifications
to second guess me?
I'm not trying to
second guess anyone.
Lorna has had
difficulty relaxing.
She takes these to help her.
Is that so difficult for
you to understand?
I think maybe you ought to stick
to what you're
qualified for, Adam.
And leave the medicine
to the real doctors.
( tense theme playing)
Hi. Can I help you?
I have an appointment
with the doctor.
Oh. The doctor
isn't in right now
and he didn't mention any
appointments this afternoon.
I'm early. I'll just wait
in the examination room.
Oh, well, certainly. I
guess that will be fine.
Is anything the matter?
I just stumbled.
I'll see the doctor
another time.
( gasping)
I don't know what's
gotten into the captain.
I heard he almost fired
a member of the crew
for wearing a dirty uniform.
Well, neatness is important.
For a guy who greases engines?
I think this job opportunity
is getting to him.
He is trying so hard
to impress Schmidt.
He could louse himself up.
It's up to us to tell him.
Give him some advice, huh?
That's exactly
what we should do.
Am I late for the
afternoon coffee break?
Call us when you've
spoken to him, McCoy.
Excuse me.
Sir.
These people, you have to
stay on their tails constantly.
Yeah. You still haven't given
us your answer, Captain Stubing.
Are you accepting our offer?
Uh...
Oh, excuse me, Mr. Powell,
I need to talk to you.
( quirky theme playing)
DR. AKERS: Adam.
Adam,
I'm sorry I blew up at
you. I know you meant well.
But, I'm just not qualified.
Oh, come on, now.
I didn't mean that...
Arthur, I don't feel very well.
Lorna, what's the matter?
( gasping)
Lorna. It hurts.
BRICKER: Can you walk?
Help me, please.
Go down to my office.
Ask the nurse
for my medical kit,
and bring it to your cabin.
Maybe all she
needs is to lie down.
Don't argue. Go.
Come on.
( suspenseful theme playing)
( moans)
Well?
Your wife is suffering
from withdrawal.
Withdrawal?
You mean that she's
addicted to diazepam?
You're gonna be
just fine, Mrs. Akers.
I didn't realize.
She said they helped her.
She must have been boosting
the dosage substantially
to be affected like this.
And I kept writing
those prescriptions.
I never thought
of keeping track.
Well, sometimes we're
too close to a problem
to be able to see it clearly.
I should have been able to
see it. I'm a doctor, aren't I?
Or I was a doctor.
I guess I'm not much
of anything anymore.
Do you know what it feels like
to wake up in a hospital room
and find out that
your life is over?
Well, I do.
I'm about as useful as a...
As an airplane with one wing.
All because of your wife.
Say it, Arthur.
For God's sake,
will you finally say it?
I'm responsible for
your life being over.
I insisted on
driving that night.
You would have seen
that station wagon
before it was too late.
No, Lorna, I never
thought that way.
LORNA: I can't stand it anymore.
I can't face what
I've done to you.
You pretend it
doesn't bother you,
make jokes about it.
( Lorna sobs)
Please.
No more jokes.
No more.
No more.
( melancholy theme playing)
I'll be in my office.
( door opens, closes)
( gentle theme playing)
( band playing soft jazz)
Come on. Cheer up.
How?
How am I supposed to
live my life without Gwen?
Come on.
Can I get you
something to drink?
You can get me
something to throw.
Look, I know
you're sore at them,
but you're only
hurting yourself.
What business is it of yours?
How do you figure that?
All they ever talk about is you.
I can imagine what they say.
Basically, they say
that they both care
for you very much.
Well, they sure got a
funny way of showing it.
May I have this
dance? Hm? Whoa...
You lead very well.
They think they're
gonna get away with this?
Well, over my dead
body. Uh, excuse me.
If there's going to be a fight,
why don't you take
him and I'll handle her.
You have some nerve
hitting on my best friend.
And you. You led him on.
You know I wouldn't
do a thing like that.
You just said I was
your best friend.
Was is the key word.
She is your friend.
All she tried to do was
protect you from me.
And a good thing too.
We know what kind of
person you turned out to be.
Well, I have to go now.
Now, hold it.
I've had enough.
I'm up to here with this.
Carol is not my type at all.
Don't you insult my friend.
Hey, what's wrong with my type?
Nothing. I like you very much.
Hah. Then you can have her.
Listen, honey,
when I want a man,
I'll get him for myself.
I don't need your leftovers.
Leftovers.
Paul is a very desirable,
handsome, terrific guy.
Any woman would love
to get her hands on him.
Oh, she wanted you.
Until you made a
complete jerk out of yourself.
Now you owe her an apology.
PAUL: I don't have
to apologize to her.
I happen to love her.
Well, I love her too.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I...
Oh, you guys.
Don't you just love
happy endings?
( applause)
( band playing disco music)
( knock on door) Come in.
( sighs): Good evening, Doctor.
Captain?
Uh, retiring early?
Working late.
Yes, well, uh...
I don't want to interrupt.
It wasn't important.
Merrill.
The big decisions are
never easy, are they?
You know about the Lorelei too?
I think there's one crew
member that doesn't,
and he's on shore leave.
What would you do?
Uh-huh. That's too easy.
Doesn't it depend on
what you want out of life?
Health, happiness, love.
Success?
What is success?
Hm. Believe me, that's something
I've been thinking
about all week.
But I think you just
answered your own question.
Hm?
Health, happiness...
and love.
Arthur? I'm right here, baby.
I'm so sorry I made
that scene before.
No, no. Shh. You need sleep.
Maybe you'd be
better off without me.
Baby, it was an accident.
It was nobody's fault.
I was so busy feeling
sorry for myself,
I didn't see what
was happening to you.
I'm sorry.
Lorna, I know I said
my life was over.
Well, I was wrong.
But my life
will be over the day that
I lose you and I'm not...
I'm not going to let
that happen. Ever.
( tender theme playing)
( knock on door)
Yes?
May I come in? Oh, please do.
How's Mrs. Akers doing?
She's sleeping.
Adam, I want to
apologize to you.
Oh, please. You don't have to.
I want to.
I realize I've been
criticizing you
for the way you've been
using your medical training,
while I have been using mine
to turn my wife
into a drug addict.
Well, we both know
it's not as simple as that.
Drug dependence is a
very complex problem.
Any drug can be abused
and there are human
factors involved.
As a doctor, I shouldn't
have let it happen.
It happened, but
you can still help her.
Not only as a doctor,
but as a husband.
I'll see that she gets the
best medical treatment.
I know of a clinic
in Los Angeles
that does very good work.
But she's gonna
have to work too.
Adam.
Thank you. Look what time it is.
I hate to push you out, but
I do need my beauty sleep.
( somber theme playing)
Thank you.
Oh, yes, Herr Schmidt.
I'm sure that you
will enjoy everything.
We had the most
beautiful weather.
You've been very fortunate...
Excuse me, captain. Yes?
Mr. and Mrs. Conroy
are celebrating
their 40th anniversary
this evening,
and I took the liberty of
saying that you'd join them.
Miss McCoy, if I
joined every couple
celebrating their anniversary,
I'd never have a
second for myself.
Captain Stubing, I'm
saving a dance just for you.
Thanks for the warning.
Herr Schmidt, please
forgive Captain Stubing.
He's not himself.
Miss McCoy.
Really, he never
behaves like this.
He's actually a wonderful,
kind, friendly man.
You are overstepping.
Do you read me?
And everybody loves him.
Well, it's true.
He's only reacting to
the pressure that
I've put on him.
Believe me, Julie.
It would take more than this
for me to change my
mind about Captain Stubing.
That's what I was afraid of.
The truth is I
don't want the job.
ISAAC: But, sir,
The Lorelei is everybody's
idea of success.
But your idea of success
is something else.
Yes.
To me there is nothing
more successful than this ship
and this crew.
So if you'll all excuse me,
I think I'd like to
celebrate with the Conroys
and boogie with Mrs... Haskell.
Thank you, again.
You are fortunate to have
such a man as Captain Stubing.
Ah, now tell us
something we don't know.
( cheerful theme playing)
( "Love Boat"
instrumental theme playing)
Isaac, thank you.
If it weren't for you, I
might be leaving alone.
And thank you dear, Isaac
for all your really good advice.
And I want to thank you too.
Well, what for?
I don't know. I just
hate to be left out.
( all laugh)
Bye. Bye-bye.
Adam. Thank you for
the name of the clinic.
Oh, don't mention it.
But don't expect Lorna's
problem to disappear overnight.
I don't and it's our problem.
And we'll solve it together.
Adam, I'm so glad
we didn't miss you.
What can I say?
We're leaving this ship
with a whole new lease on life.
Did Arthur tell you?
He's going to write a book
on surgical techniques.
I want the first copy
that rolls off the presses.
Suitably autographed, of course.
Of course.
"To Adam Bricker,
the Boy Wonder.
"Never has an intern taught
so much to a Chief Surgeon
that didn't want to learn."
( cheerful theme playing)
Auf Wiedersehen, Captain.
Auf Wiedersehen, Herr Schmidt.
I sincerely hope you find
the right captain
for the Lorelei.
Well, I found him.
And I lost him.
But I'm sure your
crew will agree
that it does not show
weakness in a man
to know what he wants in life
and when he's got
it, to stick with it.
Captain Stubing, I salute you.
STUBING: Thank you.
Welcome home, sir.
( laughs) Yeah,
welcome home, captain.
Thank you.
( "Love Boat"
instrumental theme playing)
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something ♪
♪ For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( "Love Boat"
instrumental theme playing)
( indistinct chatter)
Dr. Akers?
Bricker?
It can't be.
Adam Bricker, the boy wonder.
What on earth are
you doing here?
Well, I finally found a way to
combine business with pleasure.
I'm the ship's doctor.
Lorna, you remember
Adam Bricker.
Good to see you again.
Good to see you again.
I see you've already
met Julie McCoy.
Yes, we have.
Mmm. I can still taste
that chili you used to make.
That's the longest case of
heartburn I've ever heard of.
( both laugh)
Well, you can see
where I ended up.
What about you? Are you still
Chief Surgeon at City Hospital?
No, no. I'm no
longer practicing.
Actually, I had
nothing to say about it.
It seems our car got into
a slight misunderstanding
on the freeway
with a station wagon.
So, plastic.
Naturally, I had to retire.
Well, what good is a
doctor who can't play golf?
( chuckles)
Well, it was a
pleasure meeting you.
We'll be seeing each other.
I'd love to.
( sighs)
What a shame.
He was a brilliant surgeon.
Oh, he seems to have
adjusted very well.
I've never seen
anything phase that man.
I once saw him operate
on two emergency cases
at the same time.
Quite a doctor.
Well, you must have been
quite a doctor yourself,
boy wonder.
Actually, that name was
given to me by the nurses.
Oh?
Oh. Excuse me.
I'm sorry. It's my fault.
I was just looking
for my makeup.
Makeup? You don't need it.
How can you
improve on perfection?
( laughs): Well, thank you.
Listen, uh, could I
interest you in the moon?
Huh? I'm an expert on the moon.
Really.
I'll tell you what, meet
me on the promenade deck
tonight at 11:00 and
I'll point it out to you.
Oh, well...
I'll have to have time
to think about that.
I just thought about
it. I'll see you at 11:00.
Excuse me, could you tell me
if Gwen Winters has
come on board yet?
Not yet.
Oh, well, when you see her
could you ask her to call
me in my cabin right away?
I'd be glad to. But you're gonna
have to tell me who you are.
Oh, sorry.
Uh, Carol. Carol Gilmore.
Oh, yes. Are you
and Miss Winters
travelling together?
Sort of. We're old
friends from college
and she's engaged now
and she's coming on
board with her fiancé.
Hey. WOMAN: Carol?
Gwen, how are you? You made it.
Hey. Well, where is
he? Where is the victim?
He should be here.
Wait till you meet him.
You're gonna love him.
And if I don't, we can always
find you somebody else.
( both laugh)
Isn't this fabulous?
It's gonna be such
a romantic cruise.
Yes.
I was just thinking
the same thing myself.
Captain Stubing, sir? Yes?
Uh, your copy of
the passenger list, sir.
Oh, thank you. Yes.
Mr. and Mrs... What's this?
Marmalade, sir.
Mr. and Mrs. Marmalade.
No, it's just plain marmalade.
I was going over
the list at breakfast.
Here's your copy of
the weather report, sir.
Thank you.
Southwesterly winds, five knots,
light seas and a
possible increase in...
Maple syrup.
When I told you I
wanted you to eat,
sleep and drink your work,
I meant it as a
figure of speech.
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry.
Yes, well, from now on
bring me reports
with less calories.
( chuckles)
I will.
Oh, captain,
are you always so informal
with your crew, captain?
Well, I'm not exactly
Captain Bligh.
( chuckles): Mr...?
Schmidt, Karl Schmidt.
Ah, Herr Schmidt.
Tell me, captain, do
you like your job here?
Like it? I love it. Why?
Because you may not
have it much longer.
( dramatic theme playing)
( ship horn blows)
( "Love Boat"
instrumental theme playing)
Carol.
Oh, hi.
Well, where is he?
Don't tell me you've
broken up already?
He's not getting away.
He's one in a million.
Well, he certainly must be.
Conservative old Gwen
marrying a man she's only
known a couple of months.
Well, when you meet
Mr. Right, you know it.
I was just thinking
the same thing myself.
Don't tell me. Mh-hm.
I met someone.
And you think he's Mr. Right?
Well, he may not be Mr. Right,
but he is certainly Mr. Smooth.
We barely met when he asked me
for a stroll in the moonlight.
Well, where is he?
Don't tell me you
broke up already.
Oh, Gwen, wait till you see him.
You will go absolutely bananas.
( laughs)
Here comes Paul. Paul.
( uneasy theme playing)
Hi. Hi, hon.
Well, my two favorite
people finally meet.
Carol, right?
Uh, Gwen's told me
so much about you,
I feel I already know you.
( laughs)
Yes, I, um... feel I
know you already too.
Well, isn't...? Isn't
this wonderful.
All the sun and everything.
Yeah.
I bet it's really something
in the moonlight, as well.
Bet it is.
Anybody for margaritas?
Me.
I'll get them.
No talking behind my back.
He's trying a little too hard.
But you do like him, don't you?
Yeah. Sure.
Is there something
you don't like about him?
Let me work on it.
( laughs)
( content theme playing)
Mr. Schmidt, may I sit down?
Oh, by all means, Herr Kapitan.
Thank you.
This morning you
said something that...
I must say has left
me a bit disturbed.
Oh, that, that you may not
have your job much longer.
Yes.
Forgive my bluntness,
but what exactly
are we talking about?
Nothing sinister, I assure you.
Tell me, Captain Stubing,
have you ever heard of
a ship called the Lorelei?
That's like asking a quarterback
if he's heard of the Super Bowl.
It's only the finest
luxury liner afloat.
Have you ever seen her?
Yes. Once.
They broke the mold
when they built that ship.
( chuckles)
If she were a painting, she'd
be hanging in the Louvre.
Then what would you
say, Captain Stubing,
if someone told you that
you are being considered
for the captain of the Lorelei?
What would I say?
Any captain would sell his soul
to stand on that bridge.
I represent the owners
of the Lorelei, captain.
And you are being
considered for that position.
And my feeling is,
that you're our man.
You're serious?
Quite serious.
( quirky theme playing)
Carol.
I've been looking for
you. We have to talk.
Do we? Yes.
GWEN: There you are.
Please keep our date
tonight. It's important.
Hi.
I was just picking
up some magazines.
Well, don't be long. I don't
want to waste this sunshine.
So, Carol, where's Mr. Smooth?
Oh, things got a little rougher
once I got to know him.
It seems that he,
uh... He has a girl.
Aw, that's too bad.
That never stopped
you in high school.
You were on the top of
the senior girls' enemies list.
Isn't like you. You used
to get anybody you wanted.
Yes, well, life is much more
complicated than high school.
( chuckles)
You coming with us, Carol?
No thanks. Postcard time.
We'll see you for
dinner, won't we?
Mm-hm. For sure. Bye.
Look, She likes you. I know.
She'll warm up
to you. You'll see.
BRICKER:: I
remember the first time
I assisted at one
of your operations.
Las Vegas show girl,
an appendectomy.
How could you
possibly remember that?
Well, for one thing,
it was the first time I ever saw
a patient asked out for dinner
in the middle of an operation.
I bet she would have said
yes, if she'd been awake.
( chuckles)
You know, Adam, you were
almost as good with that scalpel
as you were with the ladies.
You could have made
a damn fine surgeon.
Well, I guess my heart was
always in general practice.
You know what
they say about GP's?
In this age of increasing
accomplishment
the GP learns less and
less about more and more
until finally he knows
nothing about everything.
While the specialist learns more
and more about less and less
till finally he knows
everything about nothing.
Touché.
But why here?
Well, what's wrong with here?
Well, look around you.
This isn't exactly the
front lines of medicine.
I mean, there's
important work to be done,
lives to be saved. And
here you are, Adam,
lying in the sun giving aspirin
to vacationing debutantes.
Now what kind of professional
accomplishment can you get?
Well, it's not all
aspirins and sunburn.
We've had emergencies
here... Adam.
Get the most out
of life that you can.
You never know when it might
suddenly be taken away from you.
See you later.
( gentle theme playing)
The captain's in the running
for skipper of the Lorelei, huh?
You sure you heard that right?
Positive.
I majored in eavesdropping
at bartender school.
It'll be kind of sad
losing the captain.
Yeah, but what a break for him.
Yeah. When does he
find out if he gets the job?
Well, I think it all depends
how much he impresses
Schmidt on this cruise.
Then let's make sure the captain
does impress Herr Schmidt, huh?
Oh, look, dear, there's
a bridge tournament later
and a shore excursion
in the morning.
I think it's wonderful
how you manage
to entertain so
many people so well.
Oh, well, thank you.
Actually, it's the right captain
that makes or breaks a cruise.
If you're having a good time,
it's the captain
you should thank.
We'll do that, the
next time we see him.
Well, just turn around.
WOMAN: Oh, captain.
Yes?
Captain, we wanted
to compliment you
on the beautiful
job you're doing,
making all of us
feel so comfortable.
Thank you very much. Um...
Excuse me, captain, would
you sign this for me, please?
( cheerful theme playing)
Of course. Thank you, sir.
Uh, thank you again,
Mr. and Mrs. Magwich.
Ralph, he remembered our name.
It's nice to have
you aboard again.
The third time, isn't it?
( inaudible whispers)
Captain, I'm impressed
with your passenger relations.
Well...
To think that you
remembered their names.
STUBING: It's nothing.
May I buy you a drink,
Herr Kline? Oh, thank you.
And the name is Schmidt.
( relaxed theme playing)
Dr. Akers, I understand
you were a pioneer
in open heart
surgical techniques.
It must be very
satisfying for you knowing
that you've saved many lives
that would have
been lost 20 years ago.
Thank you very much, captain.
It's the job of a
doctor to save lives.
Although I've noticed lately
some of my colleagues
are much more interested
in, uh, having a good time.
I used to be much
more handy with a knife.
Here, let me help.
I don't need any
help. Thank you.
If this steak were a patient,
we'd have to notify
the next of kin.
( laughs)
Excuse me, Captain
Stubing, sir, sorry to interrupt,
but we have an emergency
that requires immediate attention.
What kind of emergency, Gopher?
I'd rather not say, sir.
No need to alarm the passengers.
Oh, just the captain, hm?
Duty calls. Excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen.
Isn't the captain magnificent?
I don't know what
we'd do without him.
What's happening, Miss McCoy?
Oh, the digi plot
computer is out of order,
and Captain
Stubing's going to have
to navigate by the stars,
like they did in the old days.
I imagine we won't see more
of the captain this evening.
Well, you never can tell.
The man is a whiz with
electronic equipment.
He knows how to repair it?
The man is a genius.
Oh, excuse me, won't you?
That is the emergency?
You took me away
from my dinner guests
to show me a nail
sticking out of a rail.
Yes, sir. How do you
think we ought to handle it?
I suggest that you find a hammer
and hit the nail until
it is no longer sticking out.
Oh. Why didn't I think of that?
I guess that's how you got
to be captain and I didn't.
( playful theme playing)
( sighs)
( soft jazz music playing)
This isn't like Carol.
She's never late.
She'll show.
Have your soup, it'll get cold.
I was hoping you two
would like each other.
Gwen, I think she is super.
I'm glad.
I'll bet I know what it is.
What what is?
Carol.
She's probably still
upset about that guy.
What guy?
She met him when she
was coming on board.
Apparently he turned
out to be a real creep.
Oh.
Well, we really shouldn't judge.
Believe me, if he hurt
Carol, he's a creep.
I'm sorry it took so long.
Back so soon.
Well, everything's
back to normal.
Oh, you fixed it.
Yes.
Just needed a few
whacks with a hammer.
Good as new.
( quirky theme playing)
Dr. Akers, glad I ran into you.
I wondered, would you like
me to show you and Mrs. Akers
around Puerto Vallarta tomorrow?
Well, thank you very much,
Adam. But I think I'll spend the day
lying on deck with
the other invalids.
Art.
But thank you very
much, Adam, for the offer.
I'm glad to see that
you're branching out.
Part-time doctor.
Part-time tour operator.
Not bad. Well,
Dr. Akers... Goodnight.
I'm sorry. He gets
like this sometimes.
He doesn't mean
the things he says.
( sighs): I don't
know him anymore.
Surgery is his whole life.
It's the only thing
he ever wanted to do.
Since the, uh, accident...
he feels useless.
But he's not useless. With
his surgical knowledge,
he could teach at any
medical school in the country.
He could write books.
I know.
I've tried to tell him,
he won't listen to me,
he won't listen to anyone.
I keep hoping that with time...
I'm sorry you had
to see him like this.
He was always so
fond of you, Adam.
If there's anything I can do...
No, I'm afraid there's
nothing anybody can do.
Good night.
Goodnight, Mrs. Akers.
( tender theme playing)
Well, there you are.
I thought maybe you ran off
with the charming Dr. Bricker.
Why did you have to
be so rough on him?
Oh, come on. I was only kidding.
You know, I wish this
ship had television.
I'd like to watch a
rerun of The Fugitive
and root for the one-armed man.
Please, Arthur, no more jokes.
Well, you know
what they say, darling.
Laughter is the best medicine.
After all,
it's the only kind of medicine
I'm practicing these days.
( whispers): Arthur.
( upbeat jazz theme playing)
GWEN: Carol?
Where have you been?
Why didn't you
join us for dinner?
Oh, I'm not hungry.
All right. Out with it.
What don't you like about him?
Oh, nothing.
You're just imagining things.
Carol.
Look, believe me,
it's not important.
It's very important to me.
I'm gonna be spending
the rest of my life
with this guy.
Well, remember you're the one
that dragged this out of me.
Go on.
Well, uh...
your fiancé and I
bumped into each other
before you came on board.
So?
He's the man that asked
me out for a date tonight.
No. I'm supposed to meet him
on the promenade deck at 11:00.
I don't believe you.
Well, why would I lie?
Paul wouldn't do that.
Why don't you go up
to the promenade deck
and see for yourself.
I just might do that.
( band playing soft jazz)
Hey, I thought only dentists
were allowed to look
down in the mouth.
I thought only Henny Youngman
was allowed to make bad jokes.
Well, I'll stop if you will.
What's wrong?
Oh, nothing.
It's just something
Dr. Akers said.
I don't think he's
very impressed
with the job I do here.
Why do you care so much
what Dr. Akers thinks?
Oh, Gopher, the man was a giant.
You could fit my whole
career on his thumbnail.
Well, hey, you're a giant
in your own right too.
I mean, every port
we've ever anchored in
there are women who speak
your name with awed whispers.
Thanks.
Come on. I've always wanted
to dance with a living legend.
Okay, I'll dance with you.
I didn't mean you.
You mean there's another
living legend here tonight.
I know. But we
really weren't helping.
Doc needs some time to
figure things out for himself.
You're right.
Uh, there might be
somebody else we could help.
Good evening, Herr Schmidt.
Good evening, Miss
McCoy. Mr. Smith.
Uh, won't you sit down?
Thank you.
Call me Julie.
Thank you, Julie.
I'm Gopher.
Gopher?
Is there something
I can do for you?
Oh, no, sir, we're here
to do things for you.
Yes. The captain insists
that a good passenger
is a happy passenger.
A happy passenger is a good...
A good happy passenger is good.
Happy.
I see. Your captain must
be a truly remarkable man.
Oh, he is.
We all know that it's
just a matter of time
before some smart
far-sighted cruise line
just grabs him and moves him
onto bigger and better things.
It's quite a coincidence
that you should mention that.
Because I represent the
owners of a ship called the Lorelei,
whose captain
is about to retire.
You're kidding.
Did you hear that,
he's from the Lorelei.
Doesn't that beat all.
And they are looking
for the right man
to take over the captaincy.
He must be authoritative.
Oh, Captain Stubing
is very authoritative.
Exceedingly authoritative.
Understanding.
Except when he's
being understanding,
then he's being
understanding and authoritative.
Authoritatively understanding.
Our captain must be strong.
Oh, Captain Stubing's
very strong. He has a lot of...
Yeah. Yet tactful.
Strong tactfulness.
That's what Captain
Stubing's got.
In fact, the captain must
care for his ship like a mother.
Captain Stubing is a real...
Herr Schmidt, would
you like to dance?
Well, Captain Stubing
is a great dancer.
Sometimes we call
him the dancing skipper.
And other times we just
call him old soft shoe Stubing.
Sometimes just happy feet.
( content theme playing)
Hey, are you still there?
I'm still here. But what
happened to Paul?
Well, maybe he got cold feet.
Maybe you can't stand
to see two people happy.
Hey, I'm your best friend.
I don't want him to show
up as much as you do.
PAUL: Carol?
Sorry.
I've been trying to
get you alone all day.
You must think I'm a heel, huh?
Uh-huh. First class.
Well, it's always nice
to be tops in your field.
Look, I don't have
much of an explanation,
except that some of my
friends threw me a farewell party.
They were kidding
me about all the fun
I was gonna miss on this cruise
now that I'm practically
an old married man.
Anyway, I guess
it kind of got to me
because when I saw you I...
You thought you'd
have a fling with me.
Uh-huh.
With the most
beautiful girl I could find.
( somber theme playing)
Of course, one minute after
I made the date, I was sorry.
Because Gwen
means everything to me.
I guess what I'm
trying to say is
I won't be meeting you or
anybody else in the moonlight.
I mean that, Carol.
I'm very much in love
with your best friend.
Yay!
Hey, Gwen, you
were absolutely right.
( gasps)
Oh, I think that you...
No, we've got a problem.
Yes, a problem.
GOPHER: Oh, Captain Stubing.
Oh, captain,
it was a great idea your
changing course like that.
It's like sailing on glass.
He's incredible, isn't he?
Uh, excuse me. Pina
coladas, gentlemen?
No, thank you. Oh, thank you.
Oh, too bad.
Ever since the captain
suggesting adding grenadine,
we haven't been able
to make enough of these.
Mr. Smith, Miss McCoy,
what's come over you two?
Us? Us?
I think I know, captain.
They're obviously
trying to help you
make a good impression
so I will hire you
for the Lorelei.
That's impossible. I haven't
told anyone about that.
Crews have a way of
finding out these things.
Is that what you were doing?
I apologize for
them, Herr Schmidt.
Oh, please don't, captain.
Crew loyalty is
an excellent sign.
Although I've already
made my decision.
The job is yours if you want it.
Captain, you did it!
Congratulations, sir.
You're gonna be a biggie.
Wait a minute. I
haven't said yes yet.
Oh, but you will, won't you?
Of course he will.
If he didn't, he'd
be a stupid jerk.
Uh, a less than
intelligent person.
In my opinion.
( suspenseful theme playing)
Now what am I gonna do?
( "Love Boat"
instrumental theme playing)
Lorna, darling, it's
time for breakfast.
Keep up this pace
and we'll be, uh...
We'll be late for dinner.
Go ahead. I'm not hungry anyway.
I'd rather spend the
morning in the cabin.
You want me to roam
around the decks all alone?
All by myself.
I'm sure you'll find
something to do.
I'm sure I will.
Maybe I'll find a bridge
game that's short a hand.
( melancholy theme playing)
( door opens, closes)
( cheerful theme playing)
Ahem. Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
Any luck?
She won't even talk to me.
I nearly banged
in her cabin door.
I phoned. Even laid in wait
for her in the passageway,
but she gave me the brush.
I don't know what to do.
( sighs): It's all my fault.
No, you were only
looking out for your friend.
I'm sorry.
And to think I was afraid
you two wouldn't get along.
Oh.
Gwen.
You're making a mistake.
Paul is a... A wonderful guy.
Then you take him.
( quirky theme playing)
( sighs)
LORNA: Adam?
Hello. Hi, I was wondering
if you could refill this
prescription for me.
Well, let's have a look.
I've been having
a little trouble.
This was just filled a week ago.
Well... Fifty pills.
I, uh... I spilled
them in the sink.
They got a little wet. I
had to throw them out.
It's very clumsy of me.
Oh, well, nobody's perfect.
Do you mind if I get
them to you a little later.
Don't you have any here?
Well, I don't have that
much call for diazepam.
And they're below. I'll
have to dig them out.
I promise you'll have them
before the end of the day.
Good. That'll be just fine.
Thank you. Thank you.
Quite all right.
( suspenseful theme playing)
( cheerful theme playing)
And I said, "Oh, In that
case, I'll take a piece of that."
( both laugh)
Mr. Smith. Yes.
I will not stand for dawdling
when we have passengers
who may be needing
your assistance.
Do I make myself clear?
Yes, but I was just
telling a joke. See this...
Uh, we want jokes,
I'll hire Bob Hope.
Get back to work and
forget the ad-libbing.
( whistles)
And you, Mr. Washington,
forget your breakfast
this morning?
Or are you planning on
eating up all our profits?
Captain. It's a beautiful
day today, isn't it?
Well, thank you for
the weather report.
But I would prefer your report
on the guest
entertainers for next week.
Your report that
is two days late.
Morning.
Captain. Yes.
Weren't you a bit severe?
When I command a
ship I do things my way.
But, you can't...
And I would
greatly appreciate it
if you would tend
to your business
and allow me to tend to mine.
In short, Herr Schmidt, bug off.
( marching theme playing)
MAN ( over PA): Good afternoon
and welcome to Puerta Vallarta.
All those wishing
to go parasailing
meet on the Karl Deck
gangway in 10 minutes.
BRICKER: Dr. Akers.
Oh, hello, Adam. How are you?
How is medical Disneyland?
Any confetti overdoses today?
Um, Mrs. Akers asked me
to refill this prescription
this morning.
So?
Well,
tranquilizers are easy
to become dependent on,
and in my opinion... I
wrote this prescription
for Lorna after the accident.
You think you have
any qualifications
to second guess me?
I'm not trying to
second guess anyone.
Lorna has had
difficulty relaxing.
She takes these to help her.
Is that so difficult for
you to understand?
I think maybe you ought to stick
to what you're
qualified for, Adam.
And leave the medicine
to the real doctors.
( tense theme playing)
Hi. Can I help you?
I have an appointment
with the doctor.
Oh. The doctor
isn't in right now
and he didn't mention any
appointments this afternoon.
I'm early. I'll just wait
in the examination room.
Oh, well, certainly. I
guess that will be fine.
Is anything the matter?
I just stumbled.
I'll see the doctor
another time.
( gasping)
I don't know what's
gotten into the captain.
I heard he almost fired
a member of the crew
for wearing a dirty uniform.
Well, neatness is important.
For a guy who greases engines?
I think this job opportunity
is getting to him.
He is trying so hard
to impress Schmidt.
He could louse himself up.
It's up to us to tell him.
Give him some advice, huh?
That's exactly
what we should do.
Am I late for the
afternoon coffee break?
Call us when you've
spoken to him, McCoy.
Excuse me.
Sir.
These people, you have to
stay on their tails constantly.
Yeah. You still haven't given
us your answer, Captain Stubing.
Are you accepting our offer?
Uh...
Oh, excuse me, Mr. Powell,
I need to talk to you.
( quirky theme playing)
DR. AKERS: Adam.
Adam,
I'm sorry I blew up at
you. I know you meant well.
But, I'm just not qualified.
Oh, come on, now.
I didn't mean that...
Arthur, I don't feel very well.
Lorna, what's the matter?
( gasping)
Lorna. It hurts.
BRICKER: Can you walk?
Help me, please.
Go down to my office.
Ask the nurse
for my medical kit,
and bring it to your cabin.
Maybe all she
needs is to lie down.
Don't argue. Go.
Come on.
( suspenseful theme playing)
( moans)
Well?
Your wife is suffering
from withdrawal.
Withdrawal?
You mean that she's
addicted to diazepam?
You're gonna be
just fine, Mrs. Akers.
I didn't realize.
She said they helped her.
She must have been boosting
the dosage substantially
to be affected like this.
And I kept writing
those prescriptions.
I never thought
of keeping track.
Well, sometimes we're
too close to a problem
to be able to see it clearly.
I should have been able to
see it. I'm a doctor, aren't I?
Or I was a doctor.
I guess I'm not much
of anything anymore.
Do you know what it feels like
to wake up in a hospital room
and find out that
your life is over?
Well, I do.
I'm about as useful as a...
As an airplane with one wing.
All because of your wife.
Say it, Arthur.
For God's sake,
will you finally say it?
I'm responsible for
your life being over.
I insisted on
driving that night.
You would have seen
that station wagon
before it was too late.
No, Lorna, I never
thought that way.
LORNA: I can't stand it anymore.
I can't face what
I've done to you.
You pretend it
doesn't bother you,
make jokes about it.
( Lorna sobs)
Please.
No more jokes.
No more.
No more.
( melancholy theme playing)
I'll be in my office.
( door opens, closes)
( gentle theme playing)
( band playing soft jazz)
Come on. Cheer up.
How?
How am I supposed to
live my life without Gwen?
Come on.
Can I get you
something to drink?
You can get me
something to throw.
Look, I know
you're sore at them,
but you're only
hurting yourself.
What business is it of yours?
How do you figure that?
All they ever talk about is you.
I can imagine what they say.
Basically, they say
that they both care
for you very much.
Well, they sure got a
funny way of showing it.
May I have this
dance? Hm? Whoa...
You lead very well.
They think they're
gonna get away with this?
Well, over my dead
body. Uh, excuse me.
If there's going to be a fight,
why don't you take
him and I'll handle her.
You have some nerve
hitting on my best friend.
And you. You led him on.
You know I wouldn't
do a thing like that.
You just said I was
your best friend.
Was is the key word.
She is your friend.
All she tried to do was
protect you from me.
And a good thing too.
We know what kind of
person you turned out to be.
Well, I have to go now.
Now, hold it.
I've had enough.
I'm up to here with this.
Carol is not my type at all.
Don't you insult my friend.
Hey, what's wrong with my type?
Nothing. I like you very much.
Hah. Then you can have her.
Listen, honey,
when I want a man,
I'll get him for myself.
I don't need your leftovers.
Leftovers.
Paul is a very desirable,
handsome, terrific guy.
Any woman would love
to get her hands on him.
Oh, she wanted you.
Until you made a
complete jerk out of yourself.
Now you owe her an apology.
PAUL: I don't have
to apologize to her.
I happen to love her.
Well, I love her too.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I...
Oh, you guys.
Don't you just love
happy endings?
( applause)
( band playing disco music)
( knock on door) Come in.
( sighs): Good evening, Doctor.
Captain?
Uh, retiring early?
Working late.
Yes, well, uh...
I don't want to interrupt.
It wasn't important.
Merrill.
The big decisions are
never easy, are they?
You know about the Lorelei too?
I think there's one crew
member that doesn't,
and he's on shore leave.
What would you do?
Uh-huh. That's too easy.
Doesn't it depend on
what you want out of life?
Health, happiness, love.
Success?
What is success?
Hm. Believe me, that's something
I've been thinking
about all week.
But I think you just
answered your own question.
Hm?
Health, happiness...
and love.
Arthur? I'm right here, baby.
I'm so sorry I made
that scene before.
No, no. Shh. You need sleep.
Maybe you'd be
better off without me.
Baby, it was an accident.
It was nobody's fault.
I was so busy feeling
sorry for myself,
I didn't see what
was happening to you.
I'm sorry.
Lorna, I know I said
my life was over.
Well, I was wrong.
But my life
will be over the day that
I lose you and I'm not...
I'm not going to let
that happen. Ever.
( tender theme playing)
( knock on door)
Yes?
May I come in? Oh, please do.
How's Mrs. Akers doing?
She's sleeping.
Adam, I want to
apologize to you.
Oh, please. You don't have to.
I want to.
I realize I've been
criticizing you
for the way you've been
using your medical training,
while I have been using mine
to turn my wife
into a drug addict.
Well, we both know
it's not as simple as that.
Drug dependence is a
very complex problem.
Any drug can be abused
and there are human
factors involved.
As a doctor, I shouldn't
have let it happen.
It happened, but
you can still help her.
Not only as a doctor,
but as a husband.
I'll see that she gets the
best medical treatment.
I know of a clinic
in Los Angeles
that does very good work.
But she's gonna
have to work too.
Adam.
Thank you. Look what time it is.
I hate to push you out, but
I do need my beauty sleep.
( somber theme playing)
Thank you.
Oh, yes, Herr Schmidt.
I'm sure that you
will enjoy everything.
We had the most
beautiful weather.
You've been very fortunate...
Excuse me, captain. Yes?
Mr. and Mrs. Conroy
are celebrating
their 40th anniversary
this evening,
and I took the liberty of
saying that you'd join them.
Miss McCoy, if I
joined every couple
celebrating their anniversary,
I'd never have a
second for myself.
Captain Stubing, I'm
saving a dance just for you.
Thanks for the warning.
Herr Schmidt, please
forgive Captain Stubing.
He's not himself.
Miss McCoy.
Really, he never
behaves like this.
He's actually a wonderful,
kind, friendly man.
You are overstepping.
Do you read me?
And everybody loves him.
Well, it's true.
He's only reacting to
the pressure that
I've put on him.
Believe me, Julie.
It would take more than this
for me to change my
mind about Captain Stubing.
That's what I was afraid of.
The truth is I
don't want the job.
ISAAC: But, sir,
The Lorelei is everybody's
idea of success.
But your idea of success
is something else.
Yes.
To me there is nothing
more successful than this ship
and this crew.
So if you'll all excuse me,
I think I'd like to
celebrate with the Conroys
and boogie with Mrs... Haskell.
Thank you, again.
You are fortunate to have
such a man as Captain Stubing.
Ah, now tell us
something we don't know.
( cheerful theme playing)
( "Love Boat"
instrumental theme playing)
Isaac, thank you.
If it weren't for you, I
might be leaving alone.
And thank you dear, Isaac
for all your really good advice.
And I want to thank you too.
Well, what for?
I don't know. I just
hate to be left out.
( all laugh)
Bye. Bye-bye.
Adam. Thank you for
the name of the clinic.
Oh, don't mention it.
But don't expect Lorna's
problem to disappear overnight.
I don't and it's our problem.
And we'll solve it together.
Adam, I'm so glad
we didn't miss you.
What can I say?
We're leaving this ship
with a whole new lease on life.
Did Arthur tell you?
He's going to write a book
on surgical techniques.
I want the first copy
that rolls off the presses.
Suitably autographed, of course.
Of course.
"To Adam Bricker,
the Boy Wonder.
"Never has an intern taught
so much to a Chief Surgeon
that didn't want to learn."
( cheerful theme playing)
Auf Wiedersehen, Captain.
Auf Wiedersehen, Herr Schmidt.
I sincerely hope you find
the right captain
for the Lorelei.
Well, I found him.
And I lost him.
But I'm sure your
crew will agree
that it does not show
weakness in a man
to know what he wants in life
and when he's got
it, to stick with it.
Captain Stubing, I salute you.
STUBING: Thank you.
Welcome home, sir.
( laughs) Yeah,
welcome home, captain.
Thank you.
( "Love Boat"
instrumental theme playing)