The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 2, Episode 18 - Alas, Poor Dwyer/After the War/Itsy Bitsy/Ticket to Ride/Disco Baby: Part 1 - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( majestic theme playing)

Sir, please,

isn't there anything that
you can do about Julie?

She's driving us crazy.



Gopher, try to understand.

This isn't an
ordinary cruise to her.

It's her high school reunion.

And she wants
everything to be perfect.

Oh, good morning.
Good morning. Morning.

I can't afford any mix-ups.

Could you recheck
your cabin assignments?

Are you sure you
made enough punch

for the Welcome Alumni party?

I would've made a bigger batch,

but I didn't wanna leave
a ring around the pool.

We're expecting
a lot of wild parties.

Now, you sure that you're
set up to handle them?

I'll try, but I can only
go to one at a time.

Gentlemen, be serious.

Oh, Captain Stubing, it
is almost boarding time.

Shouldn't you be on
bridge checking your charts?

Of course. Anything
else, Captain McCoy?

No, not right now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I'm letting all this
reunion stuff go to my head.

Uh. Now, I promise

from now on I will be
cool, calm and collected.

Looks like your
classmates are boarding.

Where?

Allagaroo! Allagari!

Let's give a cheer
For Haley High!

Hey man, I know you.
Ross Randall, right?

Right. Jason Markham.

Hi. Pete De Luca.

Hi.

You were in the same class
as my sister, weren't you?

You're Rosemary's kid brother.
The one that never leave...

"If you don't stop necking,
I'm gonna tell Mom."

You're the one.

Got your own
series, huh? Far out.

Don't embarrass me by
asking for an autograph.

I'm the same loveable,
talented Ross Randall

you knew back in school.

Oh, we always
knew you'd make it.

We always knew
you'd never change.

Please, please,
don't touch a star.

Excuse me. Wendy.

Julie. Yeah, hi.

You look terrific.
You look great.

Thank you.

Well, where's Tom?

Oh, we broke up months ago.

You did? You were
practically engaged.

What happened?

Well, I don't know.
You know, I mean,

Tom's real practical, you know.

I mean, he's real
careful, you know?

He's a real stick-in-the-mud.

Well, you know, I need a
little more romance in my life.

Well, if I know
you, you'll find it.

Shall I let you in
on a little secret?

Oh, please.

I think I've already
found it. No.

I have an anonymous
admirer on this cruise.

Has anyone been
looking for me? Not yet, no.

Well, somebody
sent me the ticket.

I didn't buy it.

And it came with
this note attached.

Let me see.

Come sail with me
Let's share romance

And in each other's
arms We'll fly Oh.

If you won't give
My heart a chance

I'll hold my breath Until I die

Oh, that's fantastic.

Just think, on this boat
somewhere is my prince charming.

Yeah. Good luck.

I'll see you later, wow.

Hi, Wendy.

Oh, Tom, hi.

You're not going on
this cruise, are you?

Oh, no. I wish I was,

but, you know, I'm
saving every penny

to open my own office.
"Open my own office."

I, uh... I just came
to see you off.

Oh.

Thanks. Yeah.

And, uh, ahem, I
brought these for you.

Tom, thank you. How sweet.

Have a nice cruise. Thank you.

Oh, and thanks for the
flowers. They're beautiful.

You're welcome.

( upbeat theme playing)

Well, have you met your
sexy phys ed teacher yet?

No, and I hope she
doesn't cancel out.

Doc, how come you're so
excited about a blind date?

Oh, this is no
ordinary blind date.

When Julie showed me
Bitsy's picture in the yearbook,

I practically popped
my thermometer.

ISAAC: Ooh...

Man, she doesn't
teach physical education,

she is physical education.

I can't wait for class to begin.

Huh? Mm.

( mysterious theme playing)

Look who's here. I'm
looking, I'm looking.

I must go down To the seas again

To the lonely sea and the sky

And all I ask is a tall ship

And a star to steer her by

Ahem. Well, gentlemen.

I use the term
loosely, very loosely.

Well, if it ain't
Mr. Dwyer. Ain't?

I flunked you in English,
didn't I, De Luca?

Ahem. Uh, yeah.

Good. JULIE: Mr. Dwyer. Hi.

Surely this gorgeous
creature isn't Dimples McCoy.

The heavenly
heartbreaker of Haley High.

A rose by any other name.

Oh, you're like a great wine,
you've improved with age.

Thank you.

Captain, this is
Mr. Malcolm Dwyer.

He was in charge of
our English department

and directed all of
our plays and musicals.

They were terrific.

Then how come we
never got to Broadway?

May I introduce my
skipper, Captain Stubing.

It's my pleasure.

Confidentially, I was
a performer myself

when I was in high school.

Yes, Gilbert and Sullivan.

♪ I'm very, very good
And be it understood ♪

♪ I command A right good crew ♪

BOTH: ♪ He's very, very
good And be it understood ♪

♪ He commands
A right good crew ♪

Bravo, bravo.

Any friend of mine is a
friend of Gilbert and Sullivan.

My sentiments exactly. Heh, heh.

Oh, well, it's almost
time to cast off.

Uh. Would you be kind enough
to be my guest up on the bridge?

Oh.

Uh, thank you,

but, uh, I'd better find my
cabin and get unpacked.

Oh, but Mr. Dwyer,
it... It is an honor.

Oh, well, thank you.

Another time perhaps.

Mm-hm.

Excuse me. Uh, thank you.

Oh, Jack, I'm
really glad we came.

Oh, me too.

I can't wait to
meet the old gang.

Say, I hope Mike made it.

Hi. You guys part
of the reunion?

Yeah, Jack and Kathy Forbes.

Hi. Let's see...

Oh, we have our
cabin assignment.

Say, uh, we're
looking for a Mike Kelly.

Have you seen him?

Oh, Mike Kelly,
sure. Right over there.

Yeah, I heard he was
quite a war hero. Vietnam.

Oh, no.

Jack.

Something wrong?

Uh. No.

Uh, we'll see you
later. Thank you.

Well, I think we're
all aboard. Yes.

JULIE: Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hey, everybody.

Hey, everybody.

How about we give a
cheer for our old alma mater?

( all cheering)

ALL: Allagaroo! Allagari!

Let's give a cheer
For Haley High!

( all cheering)

Hey, if you can't
beat them, join them.

Yay, Haley!

( all cheer)

( ship horn blows)

( all cheering)

( upbeat theme playing)

Hey, Joey. Hi. Julie, hey, hi.

Wow, it's great seeing you.

You look terrific. Thanks.

So how's your family?

Folks still got the butcher
shop and everything?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Good. How's your
dad? Is he well?

Yeah, he's fine.

He's disappointed that I
didn't go into business with him.

No? I'm a dancer now.

Hey, that's terrific.

Yeah, it's nothing really.

I just, uh, teach disco
and give exhibitions.

And I'm his partner.
Remember me?

Sherry. Of course,
hi. How are you?

I could forget who was the
best dancer in school: you.

I might've forgotten who was
the head cheerleader: you.

But I could never forget
who stole him from me.

You.

It's terrible being
nothing but a sex object.

( all laugh)

So catch me up on the news.

You two, uh, married?
No. We're just a team.

Quite a team.

Oh, well, great. Listen,
I've got some work to do.

So why don't we all get
together and talk later?

Sure, great. We
gotta unpack anyway.

All right, fine.
Nice seeing you.

See you later.

She looks terrific, doesn't she?

Yeah, swell.

Julie. Julie McCoy.

Yes. Can I help you?

Uh, yeah, you sure can.
Let me give you a hint.

Allagaroo! Allagari! Let's
all cheer for Haley High!

Bitsy. That's right.

You know, it's okay. Nobody
recognizes me these days.

Well, you're looking... I'm
looking even more so, right?

Mm. Hee-hee!

Well, you know, it
has been ten years,

and in my case, they
weren't exactly lean years.

( laughs)

Uh, excuse me a second, fellas.

Hey, I can't wait any longer.
Where's my phys ed teacher?

Well, you're looking at her.

Bitsy, this is Doc. Hi.

Bitsy?

Bitsy, well... But of course.

I recognize your lovely
face from the yearbook.

Yeah? Well, my
body's in volume two.

( both laugh)

( laughs nervously)

So that's Doc's dreamboat.

Dreamboat, nothing.

The whole fleet's in.

Beautiful day.

You know, Ross, we had
television in the hospital

all the time.

Your show did a lot for me.

Hey, you really mean that?

I kept telling myself,
you gotta get out of here.

Hey, Ross, tell me
something, man.

What's it, uh...? What's
it really like in Hollywood?

Between you and me? Yeah.

It is fantastic.

You have swinging parties,
three girls to every guy,

wild carryings-on till
3, 4:00 in the morning.

And this goes on
every night of the week.

Far in.

Yeah, I just wish I could've
gotten myself invited to one.

( upbeat theme playing)

KATHY: We can't spend the
whole reunion avoiding Mike Kelly.

JACK: Kathy, he was my closest
friend. We did everything together.

How am I going to
tell him that I bailed out

and went to Canada?

But you went to Canada
for a reason you believed in.

You've got nothing
to be ashamed of.

Huh. Tell that to Mike.

The Vietnam War was
wrong and you know it.

You've paid your debt.

How can you compare
sweeping the floors

in a Miami hospital

to the kind of debt
that Mike paid?

( somber theme playing)

The government made you do
two years of alternate service.

We had no friends,

we had no money
when we went to Canada.

But we made it work.

We built a business
with our own two hands.

That's something to be proud of.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I forget
how far we've come.

Jack, for once, let's enjoy
what we have together.

All right.

Listen, uh, I'm gonna have
to face Mike sooner or later.

Stay close, huh?

( upbeat theme playing)

Isaac.

Hey. How you doing,
Mr. Randall? Fine.

Uh, let me have four beers.

Ah. You got it. Coming right up.

Uno, dos.

Tres...

Mr. Dwyer.

Isaac, a drink for my
old English teacher.

I was young till I
had you as a student.

I teach English, I drink Scotch.

Scotch it is.

All right.

Half a glass?

Oh, we Scotch are thrifty.

We Scotch are thirsty.

Well, Malcolm.

Mr. Dwyer.

How are you and the drama
club getting along without me?

The drama club has suffered.

But I, personally, have not
had a headache in ten years.

You know, Randall,

you were the best Hamlet
our school ever had.

Well, thank you,
sir. I appreciate that.

You're a very good teacher.

So why did you switch from
Shakespeare to schlock?

I've seen your
show. You sold out.

My show has one of the
highest ratings on television.

So does Yogi Bear, but
I don't watch him either.

Put a little something
in this, will you, please?

See you around
campus, Mr. Dwyer.

You were kind of hard
on him, weren't you?

I mean, the man is a star.

Oh, hell.

On television
anybody with blond hair

and a dimple can be a star.

Aside from... his
momentary little detour,

he's on his way to
becoming a real actor.

Well, then, why did you...? Why?

A thousand reasons.

The least of which is envy.

Say, I thought I asked
you for another Scotch.

I just gave you one, Mr. Dwyer.

Nonsense.

Methinks the lad's
mind is not on his work.

Now, lay it on,
Macduff... Uh, Maclsaac.

( upbeat theme playing)

Hey, hey. Wendy.

Hi, Ross. Hi.

You know something?

I bet you had the best-looking
body in the student body.

It's too bad we weren't
in the same year.

A year to remember.

Really?

Listen, uh,

how would you
like to have cocktails

and dinner and dancing?

That sounds wonderful.

Of course it is.

When Ross Randall
likes a girl, he goes all out.

Yeah?

Pick you up about 7?

And then you and I,

we're gonna go
straight to heaven.

Julie? Yeah.

I mean, I can't believe him.
I mean, I cannot believe it.

Ross Randall, it's Ross Randall.

I mean, he just asked me
to dinner and everything.

No. Well, how can you be
sure that he paid for the ticket?

Well, he says when he
likes a girl, he goes all out.

Sounds right to me.

You want me to
move to another ship,

so you two can be alone?

Oh, come on, Sherry.

She's just an old
friend from high school.

Well, I was there, remember?

You two were more
than just friends.

We haven't seen
each other for years.

We haven't even kept in touch.

Good. Keep it that
way. Don't touch.

Look, why would I be
interested in anybody else?

I've got the
greatest girl in town.

In case you haven't noticed,
we're not exactly in town.

This is really silly.

I can't believe I'm
actually jealous

about a girl you haven't
seen in ten years.

Sorry. It must be love.

What is it?

I don't know. I...

I guess I'm just
not much of a sailor.

Oh, honey.

Look, why don't I
take you to your cabin

and maybe we can get
something from the doctor?

Why don't we just
go to my cabin?

( inaudible speech)

So that's Itsy Bitsy, eh, Doc?

Hey, you really got yourself

a heavy date, man.

( chuckles)

Hey, Doc, has she invited you

down to her cabins yet?

Ha-ha-ha! Very funny.

That's vastly amusing, really.

Doc, you can always
just break the date.

"Dr. Bricker, Dr. Bricker,

report to your office.
Medical emergency".

I made the date.
I'm gonna keep it.

Well, you're a big man, Doc.

Not as big as
your date, but big.

Good morning. Hello,
ladies. Good morning.

Well, Mr. Paul,
how are you, sir?

Well, Mr. Dwyer.

And how are you,

my wandering minstrel friend?

Oh, fine, thank you.

"Fine, thank you"?
"Fine, thank you"?

You're not supposed
to say, "Fine, thank you."

That was a song cue I gave you.

The Mikado, man. The Mikado.

♪ A wandering minstrel I ♪

♪ A thing of Shreds
and patches ♪

♪ Of ballads Songs
and snatches ♪

♪ And dreamy lullaby ♪
♪ And dreamy lullaby ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

( chuckles)

( humorous theme playing)

( tranquil theme playing)

( soft jazz music playing)

Why don't we go play hooky

and hang out together?

( laughs)

I don't think that
Sherry would like that.

Well, then we won't invite her.

Well, Joey... Aw, come on.

I just wanna see a
little bit more of you.

It's been a long time.

Well, um, I will be in
the lounge after dinner.

Bring your dancing shoes.

Okay.

He gets my vote as
"Most Likely to Succeed."

( both laughing)

Try some of these
potatoes au gratin.

They are fantastic.

No, thanks.

I'm watching my calories.

And I'm not. Dinner pooper.

You know, Bitsy,

if you'd ordered that
lobster without the sauce,

it would've been 250
calories instead of 800.

Right.

Well, I still know how I
can save 600 calories.

Well, how can you do that?

Pass up the strawberry shortcake

and eat my napkin.

( both laugh)

Didn't you used to
be a phys ed teacher?

I still am. Oh, yeah?

A few years ago I figured out

I just have to teach
those pushups,

I don't have to do them.

You know,

there's some pretty
good diets around.

Ugh, I tried them all.

Weight Watchers, Fat
Fighters, Blubber Battlers.

It's not easy to say, is it?

It's even harder to do.

They all made me
a nervous wreck.

Oh, well, I'm only
trying to be helpful,

but you know the old cliché:

Inside of every...
Fat person. Yeah.

Is a thin person
struggling to get out.

Uh-uh. No?

Outside of me there was a gallon

of fudge-ripple ice
cream struggling to get in.

What happened? It made it.

( both laugh)

Dinner was absolutely the best.

What's for dessert?

You.

Ross.

Listen. Listen.

I have this beautiful,
beautiful empty cabin.

And if you don't say yes,

I'm gonna hold my breath.

Until you die?

Let's don't go crazy. How
about till I turn purple?

Shall we?

I don't understand.

I especially invited Mr. Dwyer

to have dinner with us tonight

and he never showed up.

Maybe he found a partner

who can sing on key.

Pete, you always said

you wanted an exciting job.

What did you end up doing?

Well, I'll give you
a couple clues.

Now, it's a perfect job,

if you like to lift
a lot of weight,

run, oh, miles every day

and uh, pick up a lot of scars.

I can't believe you're a boxer.

Would you buy I'm a mailman?

Did you see Bobby
Malloy in the Roman collar?

Can you believe that
guy became a priest?

I know. Well, why not?
He always liked bingo.

That's why you're
a mailman, Pete.

Close enough for
government work.

Hey, buddy.

Jack.

Kathy. I didn't know
you two were on board.

Gee, it's great
to see you, Mike.

Great doesn't
begin to describe it.

Has the guy been
treating you right?

Uh, yeah. Hey,
hey, hey, you two,

now, what's been happening
for the last ten years, huh?

Some best friend. I wanna
know where you've been,

what you've been doing.
I wanna know everything.

Uh, well, we're, uh... We're
in the clothing business.

We make T-shirts.

You know, the kind
with graphics on them.

It's, uh... It's going okay.

KATHY: We started on
the proverbial shoestring

and now we have employees

I think we haven't even met.

I know how hard
you work at something

once your mind is set.

You deserve everything you get.

Come on, let's go get a drink.

Come on, Pete.

No, no. I'll join you later.

You guys got a lot
of reminiscing to do.

Watch your toes. Coming through.

( romantic theme playing)

You know, Ross,

that really was a very
romantic thing you did.

What was it? Uh, I'll remember.

Uh, was it this?

Uh, Ross, I'm talking
about the ticket.

Huh?

You sent me a ticket
for this cruise, didn't you?

I think you have the wrong boy.

You see,

I play a detective,
not a millionaire.

( chuckles)

What am I doing in this cabin?

Oh, nothing yet. Nothing.

That's right, Ross.

And it's gonna stay that way.

Huh?

( door closes)

( upbeat theme playing)

Hey. I was wondering when we
were gonna run into each other.

Oh, hi, Pete.

You remembered me.

Yeah, yeah.

You were the one who
nailed my shoes to the floor.

Uh-uh. I was the one

who put cornflakes
in your gym shirts.

Just trying to
get your attention.

And um, now that I got it,

uh, how about
going dancing, huh?

Well, why not?

It's included in the price
of your ticket, isn't it?

Let's go.

( disco music playing)

Isaac is terrific.

Go, Isaac, go.

Yeah, please go.

You're making me look bad.

( music continues playing)

MAN: Thataway, teach.

Thataway, teach.

Hey, teach. Looking good.

Right. Looking good.

All right.

( applause)

♪ You and I ♪

♪ And we gather together Babe ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ I know that Our
love will be strong ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ We'll spend Our
nights forever ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ 'Cause Together
is where we belong ♪

♪ So reach out And touch me ♪

♪ You know that I'd
Give my life for you... ♪

Come on, everybody.

Get down. Come on in.

You're a terrific dancer, Julie.

Well, you're a terrific partner.

You're a great teacher. Thanks.

Tell me something. Uh,
would you and your partner

give a few disco lessons
to some of the passengers?

I know they'd like it.

Oh, sure, I'd love to.

Joey, I've gotta cool off.

You wanna go up on deck?

Sure. Yeah.

Come on. Excuse us. Excuse me.

Why don't I go and
check with Joey?

Yeah, but first I think I
need a few private lessons.

Now, how does that stuff
go again? Uh, left, left.

Uh, it's cross, two,
three. Cross, two, three.

Step, step. That's right.

Cross, two, three.
Cross, two, three. Step.

I think I've got it.

You're a lovely teacher. Ahem.

Step, step.

Bitsy, you give me that
Saturday night fever.

Yeah, well, take two aspirin

and call me in the morning.

( inaudible whispering)

Okay. Don't tell
anybody. I'll go get Doc.

Excuse me, Doc, we need you.

Later, Gopher. Doc,
this is an emergency.

It's okay, Gopher.

Uh, Bitsy, Doc really has to go.

Never mind, Gopher.

Go ahead.

Take care of your emergency.

If you have time, will
you do me a favor?

Well, sure.

Take a leap overboard.

Wait a minute.

I was having a terrific time.

Doc, this is a real emergency.

It's Mr. Dwyer's cabin.

Well, why didn't you say so?

You better tell the
captain. Excuse me.

( ominous theme playing)

( tranquil theme playing)

Doc?

Medically speaking,
Mr. Dwyer is bombed.

As a specialist in this field,

I'd say he's bombed
out of his skull.

Mr. Dwyer?

( snores)

Mr. Dwyer. This is the captain.

♪ I am the captain
Of the Pinafore ♪

♪ Saying, willow
Tit-willow, armadillo ♪

The man has a problem, sir.

Alcoholism is more
than a problem.

DOC: I think the
best thing we can do

is just let him sleep it off.

I'm afraid our friend Mr. Dwyer

has a rough road ahead of him.

♪ Willow ♪

( sighs heavily)

( tranquil theme playing)

JULIE: It's really nice seeing
everybody again, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

JOEY: Hey, did you
hear about David Roberts?

JULIE: Yes. Six kids.

Well, yeah, I know,
but did you hear

what he does for a living? No.

He owns a store that
sells maternity clothes.

No.

Well, that's keeping the family

in the business.

Or is that the
business in the family?

( sighs)

I missed you.

I've missed you.

Hey, isn't it something

about Ross being a big TV star?

Yeah.

But you could be a star too.

You're a great dancer.

Naw.

Yeah. Ever since we were kids.

You've always
been a great dancer.

Remember that first
time we went out?

And after the movies,
we went driving.

You mean parking.

I was so nervous.

Are you nervous now?

No.

( romantic theme playing)

Joey, what about Sherry?

Yeah.

I'd better get back in.

See you later.

Yeah.

( tranquil theme playing)

JACK: I didn't even
have the guts to tell him

I went to Canada. Enough.
You've paid your dues.

Oh, my dues?

Mike's in a wheelchair.

We used to play
football together,

and now he can't
even pick one up.

Why are you feeling so guilty?

Well, how do you
expect me to feel?

I mean, there's
Mike, and here I am

with... With a healthy body
and a ton of money in the bank.

Nobody handed you that
money, you worked for it.

Yes, I had the
chance to work for it.

Mike didn't. Oh, Kathy,
I did the wrong thing.

I see. And the right thing

would've been for
you to go off to war

and end up like that.
Wheeled off some plane

while the band plays "Johnny
Comes Marching Home."

Stop it!

( sighs)

( whispers): Stop it.

( romantic theme playing)

Well, I hope you enjoyed
your kiss in the moonlight.

And I hoped you
enjoyed spying on me.

Hey, now wait a minute.

Don't try to make me the heavy.

I wasn't out necking with
my high-school sweetheart.

Oh, for Pete's sakes,
it was one little kiss.

It's not as if I dragged
her down to my cabin.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just into
that old-fashioned thing,

you know, like, when
two people love each other

and, uh, decide to get married,

they don't go making
out with other women.

I'm obviously wrong.

Yeah, well,

maybe we're both obviously wrong

about getting married.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

( sighs)

Look, why don't we just
relax here for a second,

take a deep breath and
stop this before it gets too far?

You're right.

I didn't mean to spy on you.

And the kiss just happened.

It wasn't meant to.

Promise? Yeah.

I love you.

I love you too.

( romantic theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)

JOEY: All right, so remember

it's two counts of
six and then a ten.

Loosen up and get down. Ready?

One, two, three,
four, five, six.

Here we go. One,
two, three, four, five, six,

and slide. Two, three,
four, touch, six. Push.

Oh, ride your horse, Gopher.

Eight, nine. And one, two,
three, four, five, six, slide.

Touch. Push.

Ah, looking good.

All right, you're
on your own. Move.

All right, come on now.

Come on, captain. Get
with it. Get those knees up.

All right. You're
looking good, McCoy.

( disco music playing)

♪ Dancing, dancing ♪

♪ Dancing all night long... ♪

Joey, will you teach
me that dip step

you were doing with Sherry?

Oh, sure. It's real easy.

Just start with the bust up.

Five, six, seven, to me.

One. One, two, good. Three.

Go on, now do it
around me. Okay.

JOEY: Two, switch your hands.

I'm gonna turn you into me.

Yeah. Right. And lean you in.

Right? And then...
And now the dip.

Come on, Jason.

Hey, Bitsy, can I
talk to you a minute?

Sure, Doc. Is it an emergency?

Hey, about last night.

I'm sorry,

but I'm always on
call. Oh, of course.

What's a date compared
to a medical emergency?

♪ Dancing, dancing... ♪

Boy, that Joey certainly
can dance, can't he?

Oh, he sure can.

But I'd much rather
dance with you

like this or like last night.

Me too.

Well, I'm just sorry

last night ended
with the dancing.

Well, tonight's another night.

How about I get us a
couple of drinks, huh?

Well, it's a little
early, isn't it?

Well, I mean...

Doesn't matter, I'm
here to have a good time.

Yeah. Darn right.

That's why I made sure
you didn't miss this reunion.

How am I doing, babe?
Huh? Am I getting it?

Yeah. I think
I'm getting it too.

I'm sorry, Jason.

I really don't feel very good.

Right here, sit
over here. Come on.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I think so.

Maybe you better
come down to my office.

I'll check you out.

No, no. I'll be all right.

But I think that's it for me.

♪ Dancing all night long... ♪

MAN: Right on, yeah! Whoo!

A horse. A horse. My
kingdom for a horse.

Or better yet, a Moscow Mule.

Oh, it's a little
early for a Mule.

How about some coffee?
It carries quite a kick.

Coffee can kill you. You
get your kicks your way.

Come, come, good wine
is a good familiar creature.

Othello.

Familiar creature
if it well be used.

My luck, I have to find a
bartender who knows Shakespeare.

Two screwdrivers, please.

Careful. My screwdrivers
will hit you like a hammer.

In that case, I'll take one.

Well, enjoying your
cruise, Mr. Dwyer?

Enjoying my cruise?

How could I not enjoy it?

They cater to your every whim.

Mm. Gracias. See you later.

Maclsaac, this is
straight orange juice.

Mr. Dwyer, if you really
want a thirst quencher,

why don't you let me fix you

one of my special fruit punches?

Now, you listen to me.

I am a paying passenger,

and I need a drink.

I want a drink. Now.

Or I'll report you
to the captain.

He's the one who asked
me not to serve you.

( dramatic theme playing)

( tranquil theme playing)

How could you do that?

Ordering him to cut me off.

Well, perhaps I
overstepped my mark,

but I did it in
your best interest.

I'm a big boy, captain.

So I take a little
libation once in a while.

Just my way of
escaping, that's all.

And what do you
have to escape from?

I'm a joke.

A joke to my students
past and present.

No, I can't believe that.

Julie tells me your
students worship you.

Sure.

Listen to old man
Dwyer spouting off.

He couldn't make
it in the theatre,

so now he has a captive audience

in the classroom.

Hardly a reason to
climb into the bottle.

I can quit drinking
any time I want.

I've done it a dozen times.

Wanna try for 13?

( somber theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)

No, sir, I never got to Vietnam.

Wound up at Fort
Knox in Army Finance.

That was my problem.

I never knew how
to handle money.

And speaking of money,

anybody for five-card stud?

Oh, no. No way.

My daddy had a rule.

Never gamble with a
nun or an ex-marine.

Oh, yeah? Do I look like a nun?

( laughter)

The biggest pot I ever won
was in a game in Vietnam.

I bluffed my lieutenant
out of 200 bucks,

and then I left the game.

What? You didn't give
him a chance to get even?

Oh, he got even all right.
He gave me 30 days KP.

( laughter)

Hey, buddy, buddy's wife.

Come on over. Sit down.

We better go over. We
can't walk right past him.

ROSS: Pull up a chair.

Hi, Joey.

All we're doing is sitting here,

swapping war stories.

Yep. I'm just telling them

about the financial end of it.

Ah, here we go. All right.

The foam is on the house.

You know, Isaac
served in Vietnam.

Yeah, but I prefer
this kind of serving.

Hey. ( laughter)

Jack, I haven't seen you lately.

Where you been the
last ten years of my life?

Well, I, uh...

I didn't see combat
like all you guys.

JOEY: Where were you stationed?

Probably had a soft
desk job like mine.

Yeah, right.

Hit the nail right on the head.

I had a desk job.

That's nothing to
be ashamed about.

You did your part.

Yeah, sure.

( upbeat theme playing)

MAN ( over PA): Good afternoon
and welcome to Puerto Vallarta.

All those wishing
to go parasailing,

meet on the Coral Deck
gangway in ten minutes.

Hi there, McCoy.

Oh, hi, Smith.

So tell me, will Puerto
Vallarta be honored

with the presence
of you and Joey?

Why me and Joey?

Well, you're an item.

Aren't you? No.

Uh, n-no. No.

Well, then you're the only
one that doesn't think so.

Smith, do you
know that expression

"Why don't you go... "?
Uh, yes, yes, I know it.

Yeah.

See you.

Bye, Smith.

( violin theme playing)

( sultry theme playing)

Hey, Julie, can I
talk to you, please?

Oh, sure, Sherry,
but maybe later,

after I finish work, okay?

Oh, it'll just take a second.

Sure. What's up?

Try to understand me, okay?

Julie, I...

I'm not telling you,
I'm simply asking you,

please lay off Joey.

Hey, I don't know what
you're talking about.

Joey and I are just old friends.

Julie, I really love him.

Well, look where you
are and look where he is.

All he knows is dancing and...

Well, you can't dance forever.

Someday he'll probably be back

working in his
father's butcher shop.

Sherry, there's
no disgrace in that.

No. I know. I'm... I'm
not putting him down.

( sighs)

I know what he is.

And he's all I want.

I'm afraid you're asking
the wrong person.

I think you should
be talking to Joey.

Yeah. Forget it.

I thought you'd understand.

( sad theme playing)

The trouble is I do understand.

Excuse me, does the bus
for Cleveland stop here?

I guess not.

How come you
didn't go into town?

Because I thought you did.

Bitsy, about last night...

Aren't you taking a
chance talking to me

without Gopher
around to rescue you?

I swear to you that
emergency was legit.

It's okay.

I've had this kind of thing
come up in my life before.

Oh, come on. You...

All right, you're a chubby lady.

No, I am a fat lady.

All right, but you happen to be

a sensational fat lady.

And the debonair doctor...

Where? Right here.

Would love to take
you to dinner tonight.

Is this a mercy date?

Oh, I never knew anyone
who needed mercy less.

What do you say?

Pick me up at 7
and we'll talk about it.

All right.

( upbeat theme playing)

STUBING: Carry on.

Malcolm, you're
gonna love this place.

It's over there on the beach.

The food is wonderful.

The chef's a personal
friend of mine.

I don't see how you can possibly

rate The Mikado over
and above Pinafore.

That's simple.

The songs have more
depth and meaning.

♪ On a tree by a
river A little tomtit ♪

♪ Sang willow
Tit-willow, tit-willow ♪

Thank you. Next.

( laughs)

A nice restaurant.

Wait till you taste the food.

( speaks Spanish)

Oh, uh, waiter,

I, uh, always like to
drink while I'm reading.

I'll have a margarita, please.

In this Mexican sun, I
need all the salt I can get.

I'm sorry, señor. We do
not serve alcohol here.

I'll have soda water
and lime, please.

Looks like another
big day in town.

Make it two.

Thanks a bunch.

It's a start.

All these starts
may be my finish.

Capitán Stubing.

Manuel. Ha-ha-ha!

Excuse me for a minute.
Manuel's an old friend.

Manuel.

( speaks Spanish)

Sure, why not?

ROSS: You know, old man
Dwyer really takes the cake.

Can you imagine him
accusing me of selling out?

Was he sober when he said it?

It must be true then.

ROSS: Yeah, well, listen, if
he didn't have a teaching job,

he'd be out auditioning for

church basement
productions of Hamlet.

( men laugh)

You're forgetting one thing.

He was the best
teacher we ever had.

Yeah, you're right.

You know, I hate to think
where I'd be today if...

If it wasn't for him.

( dramatic theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)

Pete, I really had
a wonderful day.

Well, just say yes

and it'll be a wonderful night.

Before I say yes,

I have to find out if
you're really the right one.

Baby, after the yes,
you'll know I'm the one.

Remember those guys?

Pete? Mm-hm?

Are you responsible
for me being here?

Child, it's time you
learned the facts of life.

See now, before you were born,

your daddy wanted
to show your mommy

just how much he
loved her. No, no, no.

Come on, be serious.

You said that you
wanted to make sure

that I came to
the class reunion.

Well, that's right.

I'm the one that sent out

the invitations
to all the grads.

Boy, I had a heck of a time

finding your address.

Well, come on.

You mean, you didn't send
me the ticket for this cruise?

Uh-uh, no. Ha-ha-ha! Not me.

Well, I guess you're
not the right one.

See you.

Well, if I did buy you a
ticket, I'd demand a refund.

( stammering)

Oh, hey, Isaac.

Can I...? Can I try
this orange one on?

If you keep drinking like that,

you're gonna end
up like Mr. Dwyer.

Thanks, coach.

That lie you told only
made things worse.

Don't you think I know that?

Why'd you do it?

I don't know. It
just slipped out.

Well, you better tell him about
Canada before someone else does.

Kathy, sometimes I think if
there hadn't been a Vietnam,

you would've invented it.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you're bright
and persuasive,

and you always seem to need

some kind of a
cause to rally around.

What?

When we went to
Canada, it was Vietnam.

And now it's this
whole thing with Mike.

We went to Canada for a cause

I believed in and you didn't?

My God, if that's true,

then the only reason
you went there...

was because you were scared.

You're damn right I was
scared. We were all scared.

The guys who went to Vietnam

and the guys who went to Canada.

Jack...

If you don't
understand that by now,

you never will.

( dramatic theme playing)

( sniffles)

( upbeat theme playing)

MAN ( over PA): We hope you
enjoyed your day in Puerto Vallarta.

The ship will be
sailing in 30 minutes.

You looked in his
cabin? Nothing.

And he's nowhere to
be found on this ship.

If Malcolm doesn't show up soon,

we'll have to sail without him.

I could go ashore, I
know most of the places.

No, it's too late.

Time may have run
out on our Mr. Dwyer.

GOPHER: Up the stairs, sir.

A Mexican policeman
found him, sir.

He insisted on speaking to you.

Happy birthday, general.

This is not my birthday,
and I'm not a general.

Well, don't give up.

You'll make it. It's
just a matter of timing.

Take him to his
cabin right away.

ISAAC: Yes, sir.

( slurred indistinct shouting)

Sayonara!

Into the valley of
death rode the 600.

Guns to the right of them,
guns to the left of them.

Onwards, Cossaks.

Adam?

Is there anything...?

I wish I could help.

But it's not just a
medical problem, Merrill.

You know that.

Yeah.

I know.

( upbeat theme playing)

( laughter)

My end lady in the forces
was Michael Shrednick.

All right, to continue with the
game of "Where are they now,"

will Mr. Peter De
Luca please rise?

( cheering)

Peter, way back when, you
were voted the Class Clown.

What are you doing today?

I'm president of
the United States.

( laughter)

They were right.
They were right.

( laughter)

That's all I've been doing.

That's all I've
been learning from.

( laughs)

What happened to the girl

they voted Miss
Life of the Party?

Well, the party's over.

Sherry came to me this afternoon

and begged me to lay off.

And you went for it?

Isaac, she needs
him. And you don't?

Didn't anyone ever tell you

"All's fair in love and war"?

Sure. How can you win if
you're not even in the battle?

You're right.

You guys are absolutely right.

Yeah.

Hi, Sherry. Hi.

Joey, the captain's
been getting such a kick

out of all this dancing

that he wants to do a really
funky disco on the last night.

I could use some help.
Sure, anything you want.

Oh, great.

And you could advise me.

Sherry, would you
excuse us just a minute?

Well, sure. Thanks.

Joey, I know you're the expert.

I wanna make sure that the
sound, the effects, the lights,

everything is perfect.

You know disco and
I'm just new, remember?

Well, see, we were talking war.

( German accent): She
was talking blitzkrieg.

( somber theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)

I'm having fun tonight.

Me too.

You may not believe this,

but I feel another
emergency coming on.

Where this time?

Right here.

( romantic theme playing)

Hello.

You know, I hate to see
an unhappy Sagittarius.

Well, I happen to be a Taurus.

Noble.

I see you're into astrology:
fate, stars, the karma.

Huh?

Well, I mean, here
I am on this ship

and here you are.

It couldn't be coincidence.

It had to be planned.

It was?

Jason, do you write poetry?

Only when I'm turned
on by someone like you.

Jason.

Jason, it's you.

I am me, we are they.

( speaks French)

( upbeat theme playing)

Doc? Yeah?

Can I ask you

a sort of schoolgirl
kind of question?

Why not? It's your
school reunion.

Well, you know all those
delicious, delectable,

delightful, dreamy
things you said last night?

Uh-huh. Did you mean them?

Absolutely.

Except for one.

Which one was that?

Well,

remember when you
asked me what time it was?

And I said it was 2:00? Uh-huh.

It was actually 3:00.

Well, I can forgive one lie.

Drink it.

I've already had three
cups. That's enough.

It's only coffee.

Precisely.

No more, please. Drink it.

I won't be able to sleep.

Drink.

Why don't we put a
little something in it?

You know what they say
about the hair of the dog.

Haven't you been bitten enough?

I'm not in the mood

for a temperance
lecture, Merrill.

Next thing, you'll
be singing hymns.

Malcolm, you need help.

I need a drink.

What the hell do
you know about it?

The big expert.

Have you ever wanted to
drink so badly, you...? You'd...

Kill for it?

Yes.

Ten years ago, when my
wife Stacy and I separated,

I simply couldn't handle it.

All the loneliness,
the rejection.

The failure.

I'm familiar with the symptoms,

whatever the source.

So I started to drink.

And not heavily, at first.

Don't kid me.

How could you drink
and still be in command?

Well, I didn't
drink while on duty,

so I didn't have
a problem, right?

Wrong.

( somber theme playing)

One evening, after
a couple of Scotches,

I was driving to the ship.

There in front of me,

I nearly hit a child.

That was when I finally realized

what I was doing with my life.

I sat in the car and cried.

I sat there and cried,

and cried,

and cried.

I haven't had a drink since.

Merrill...

How? How?

I just stopped.

You have no alternative.

Unless you don't
want a tomorrow.

( somber theme continues)

( upbeat theme playing)

MAN ( over PA): The last launches
are now returning from Zihuatanejo,

and the ship will be
sailing in 30 minutes.

Relax, relax.

Feel the spiritual energies

flowing through
your spinal cord.

Oh, Jason. I am. I really am.

So am I. You're the most
perfect Taurus I ever met.

Oh, Jason, you're
the perfect one.

Come sail with me
Let's share romance

And in each
other's arms We'll fly

If you won't give
my heart a chance

I'll hold my breath Until I die

Yuck. Who wrote that?

Oh, Jason, you're so modest.

Well, now that you've
seen the dance floor,

is it big enough?

Oh, sure. The thing is, though,

that you gotta have
speakers all around the room.

See, the sound's gotta
hit you from all sides.

Hey, the sound is gonna hit us.

( imitating dance beat)

Get down, Julie.

All right. You're crazy, girl.

I'm crazy about a lot of things.

( romantic theme playing)

Oh, no, no, no. That's good.

The captain was just
saying to me last night,

all the crew should learn more

about mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.

Nice shot, Bitsy.

Well, if I win,

I hope I don't have
to jump over the net.

( both laugh)

Hey, Doc.

How was the date last night?

Bet it was heavy, man.

( both laugh)

Okay, guys.

Did you have a whale of a time?

Hey, hey, knock it off, huh?

Come on, Doc.

We're just kidding.

Can't you take a
joke from a friend?

All right, one more fat joke

and my friend ends
up with a fat lip.

( laughing)

When are you gonna
keep your big mouth shut?

Hey, Gopher, wait a minute now.

Gopher, l-listen.

Now, wait a second, Gopher.

Gopher... Don't blame
everything on me.

Well, see, the tarot cards say

that the Queen of Cups...

That's you, my
sweet and beautiful.

Shall be united with the
King of Cups, that's me.

And the time is now.

Uh, Jason, wait a minute.

Would you, please? I mean,

I really don't know all
that much about you.

I don't even know
what you do for a living.

Nothing. Work
destroys the karma.

Well, then how did
you pay for this cruise?

Easy, especially when your old
man's head of Markham Steel.

The sky's the limit.

Oh. Oh, so you're rich.

So you could afford
to buy my ticket.

Oh, I see.

I reimburse you for your ticket

and then you'll be
my good friend? Okay.

Uh, Jason, you didn't
write me this poem, did you?

Let's stop wasting time
with that stupid junk, huh?

That's right. I have
been wasting my time.

Well, guess it
wasn't in the cards.

Huh, the Fool.

( titters)

( tranquil theme playing)

Jack, don't shut me out.

Hey, what's happening to us?

I don't know.

I thought I ran away from hell,

but I was wrong.

I've still got my
hell to go through.

I gotta tell Mike. Face to face.

If it helps any, I love you.

It helps a lot.

( romantic theme playing)

( mellow theme playing)

Doc.

Good evening.

Yes?

Hi, Doc.

Do you have a few more shots

about Bitsy that
you forgot to get in?

Uh, Doc, Gopher and
I, we'd like to apologize.

Right.

We went too far and we're sorry.

I'm serious, Doc. We apologize.

Accepted.

See you later.

Doc?

Um, it's none of our business,

but why Bitsy?

Why not Bitsy?

Well, I mean, she's
not the type of...

Well, I mean...

Well, of all the girls
that you've dated,

Bitsy's kind of...
Kind of not beautiful?

Oh, guys, let me tell you
something about women,

about how I feel about women.

They're all beautiful.

Beauty isn't just looks.

A pretty face, the
perfect body, that's easy.

A woman doesn't have
to be a centerfold to...

To make me laugh,

to puncture my
wonderful male ego

when I get too
big for my britches,

to make me feel happy to be...

Just happy to be.

Believe me,

Bitsy is a very beautiful woman.

Come on, we'll
be late for dinner.

( sighs)

( upbeat theme playing)

Almost 24 hours without a drink.

A new record.

You're gonna be fine, Malcolm.

Glad you've got faith.

How do you say
no to all that booze?

By simply saying no.

Try it. Let's hear you say no.

Would you care for
a drink, Mr. Dwyer?

Thought you'd never ask.

No.

Could I have a better
reading on that, please?

No!

No, I won't drive
the ship for you!

You'll just have to keep
doing it till you get it right.

Captain, I'd like
to introduce you

to a really sensational lady.

How could you pass
up an invitation like that?

Excuse me for a minute.

Captain, Bitsy Sheldon.
Captain Stubing.

My pleasure. It's
so nice to meet you.

How you doing this
evening, Mr. Dwyer?

Oh, fine, Isaac. Just fine.

You're looking really dapper.

Well, thank you.

I haven't had so much fun

since I had a root canal
and two wisdom teeth pulled.

All in the same day.

Without anesthesia.

( whistles)

Ooh.

( somber theme playing)

To your health, Mr. Dwyer.

You leave me alone, will you?

If I wanna drink,
I'll drink, damn it.

Fine.

Why settle for one drink?

Say the word, I'll send a
case down to your cabin.

Stay out of it. It's my life.

Why don't you throw
yourself overboard?

It'll be a lot quicker.

Pick any rail, be my guest.

( dramatic theme playing)

MAN ( over PA): The
captain's big farewell disco

is now in progress
on the Riviera Deck.

( disco music playing)

( all cheering)

Oh, good evening.
My, you look lovely.

Hey, Bitsy, when
you get finished

with this old-timer,

you and I get together
and we'll really groove.

Well, tell me, this is
some bad disco, huh?

You did it, mama.

Well, really, Joey
was responsible.

Well, I know, but I didn't feel

as though I was allowed
to bring up his name.

Well, when are you
two gonna dance, huh?

Hey, hey, disco isn't my scene.

But if they play a slow polka,

you'll see me really get down.

Come on.

Hey, Wendy, we're having
a party here, remember?

I'm really not in a party mood.

Well, what happened to Ross?

I mean, what happened to Pete?

No, I mean, what
happened to Jason?

And I really mean,
what happened to him?

That's the trouble, Julie.
None of them are him.

Yeah?

Do you know that I have
wasted this entire cruise

running around
with this dumb poem

as if it were a glass slipper,
looking for some man to fit it?

You know, it's not
too late to find a guy.

No, not a chance.
I mean, I am nuts.

Mm-mm.

Do you know why I always
thought that Tom wasn't...?

I don't know what I
thought Tom wasn't.

But Ross and Jason
and Peter, I mean,

they're not for me either.

I don't know what I want.

Maybe I should've never
broken up with Tom.

Maybe I should've never come.

Maybe... Maybe you should go out

on that dance floor,
grab a partner and boogie.

That is an order.

( giggles)

Good thing, because
I have to go...

Excuse me.

Malcolm... Care to join me

in a soda water and lime?

Are you all right?
No, I'm sober.

Come on.

Hi, Mike.

Jack, Kathy,
isn't this terrific?

Yeah, say, do you mind

if I, uh, take you away from
it for about five minutes?

Huh?

It's important.

Sure.

I'll wait for you here.

No, no, no. I've, uh...
I've got it, my friend.

If, uh... If this is a
surprise birthday party,

you've got the wrong guy.

But I'll go along with it,

if I get to keep
all the presents.

All right, Jack,
what is so important

that you had to drag me away

from all those girls that
wanted to dance with me, huh?

Hey, come on, don't
be embarrassed.

I've had to learn to
live with this thing.

You're my friend.
You'll have to learn too.

Okay.

Mike, I gotta tell
you something.

And I'm afraid it's gonna

put our friendship
right on the line.

( somber theme playing)

You see, uh,

when I was in college,
I got my draft notice.

Didn't we all?

Yeah.

But when I got mine, I...
I gave it a lot of thought,

and then I made my decision.

I moved to Canada
until the war was over.

I know.

You know?

Your mother told me in a letter.

But you never said...

I thought if I
confronted you with it,

you'd go through life
with a case of the guilts.

But if you could get
the truth out yourself,

from inside,

you'd be rid of that
burden once and for all.

Oh, my God.

I was afraid... Jack,

I've known you for
a lot of years, right?

You did what you did
based on your principles,

I did what I did based
on my principles.

Neither of us were wrong.
We just did what we had to do.

But you're a hero.

I'm not. No.

Mm-mm.

It took courage
to do what you did.

Maybe if I would've
had that kind of courage,

things, uh...

You took a stand for
what you believe in.

You laid your whole
future right on the line.

I admire you for it.

You're in a wheelchair,

and you're forgiving me.

I am not a saint.

There were times
that I was so bitter,

I could taste it, Jack.

I hate it.

I hate it!

The hate was my real
disability, not this thing.

I was lucky.

Had the love and help
of a lot of terrific people.

Oh, Mike,

I'm so sorry this
had to happen to you.

I am too.

I'm just so damn glad it
didn't happen to both of us.

( sniffling)

( disco music playing)

Hey, let's do the
shuffle hustle.

( all cheering)

Five, six, seven, eight.

Hey, are you okay?

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I guess I just fainted.

Listen, Joey, I
need... She'll be fine.

But you need some
rest, young lady.

Right.

Uh, I'm gonna take you
to your cabin. Come on.

Joey, do you need some help?

No, thanks. I can manage. Easy.

Doc, she's okay, right?

Fine. Sure.

I mean, it was just

the heat and the
excitement, right?

Doc?

She's pregnant, Julie.

Joey doesn't know.

( dramatic theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)

How's Sherry? Uh, she's resting.

Uh, Joey, I wanted to, uh...

There are a lot of things I
wanted to talk to you about.

I'm sorry.

I'm the one that
should apologize.

No, I knew that
you two had plans

and I just threw myself at you.

Well, that's not
quite the way I saw it.

I was scared, Julie.

Scared of marriage,
being tied down.

And then seeing you
kind of reminded me

of being in high school again.

Playing the field. Ha-ha!

The thing is, I guess I'm not
a high-school kid anymore.

Hey, none of us are that
high-school kid anymore.

And, you know, marriage

is not like walking
the last mile,

especially when the
lady you're gonna marry

happens to be crazy about you.

Yeah, I know.

You think I'll be
any good at it,

being a husband and a father?

Joey, you're gonna be great.

We're still gonna
be friends, right?

Well, I was hoping to
be more than just friends.

I wanted to be
friends of the family.

Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Well, come on.
Let's go see Sherry.

Okay.

( door opens)

( disco music playing)

BITSY: Could I have
the houselights, please?

Okay, everybody, before
we get back to the dancing,

I have a little
announcement to make.

Now, as you know,
Hollywood has its Oscar

and Haley High has its Halo.

Everybody's had a chance
to vote and we've counted up.

And tonight, the old
tarnished halo is being awarded

to someone whose
popularity and success

has brought great
pride to our school.

And the winner is Ross Randall!

( crowd cheering)

( cheering)

ROSS: Thank you.

Thank you, I... I
appreciate the honor.

It should be shared by a
man who believed in me.

The man who gave me
the incentive to push ahead.

His dedication to his profession

kind of brought out
the best in all of us.

Now, as you know,
the last couple of days,

we've been plotting and
planning, and tonight,

I'm really proud to announce
that a college scholarship

has been established
under the name

of a unique and
very special man.

Mr. Malcolm Dwyer.

( crowd cheering)

I am, uh, grateful,
and I am... I'm touched.

I never expected such
a beautiful moment

would ever come my way.

I'm very proud to have
been your teacher.

Only one thing could've
made me more proud.

To have been your parent.

That way, instead of having

all of you for just four years,

you would've been
mine for a lifetime.

I...

I... ( clears throat)

In the words of the
immortal Malcolm Dwyer:

Class dismissed.

( dramatic theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)

( ship horn blows)

( upbeat theme playing)

Oh, Mike, do you think

that man in Seattle
would really help us?

That's what the
VA is for, Kathy.

Oh, sweetheart,
isn't that wonderful?

Hey, guys. Great cruise.

Hey, Mike, good luck.

Good luck? I
already had my luck.

Jack wants me to head up
Personnel at his business.

That's beautiful.

We are going to hire as
many disabled vets as we can.

Oh, that's super. Best of
everything to all you guys.

We already have
the best of everything.

Come on, let's get out of here.

So long, Mike. Bye.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Parting is such sweet sorrow,

but it's back to class tomorrow.

Ha-ha! Let's keep
in touch, Malcolm.

Most certainly.

If Gilbert and Sullivan
write something new,

I'll send you a copy. Ha-ha-ha.

Seriously, Merrill, thank you.

Hear, hear.

ALL: ♪ He's very, very
good And be it understood ♪

♪ He commands
A right good crew ♪

Don't call... I know, I know.

Don't call us, we'll call you.

( all chuckle)

Well, Julie, thanks
for everything.

I'm just sorry it didn't
all work out for you.

MAN: Wendy?

Tom.

H-how'd you enjoy your trip?

Oh, well, I had about the
worst time of my whole life.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I shouldn't
have sent you the ticket.

You sent me the ticket?

You sent me the ticket.

And the poem?

The poem.

Yeah, I know, the poem
was kind of silly, huh?

Oh, no, no. The
poem was beautiful.

Why did you do it?

Well, uh,

I knew you had
this romantic notion

about meeting the
man of your dreams,

so I figured I'd
help you find him.

Or get it out of your system.

( tender theme playing)

Well, Tom,

I found him.

I'm gonna never let him go.

Oh, these are for you.

For me? Yeah.

( upbeat theme playing)

I'm gonna miss your warm
and wonderful lechery.

Miss?

I got a little free
time coming up.

Maybe we could, uh,
get together this weekend.

Hey, why don't we fly
up to San Francisco?

San Francisco? Yeah.

Where little cable cars
climb halfway to the stars,

and they stop at some
of the best restaurants

you've ever eaten at.

You're on. All right.

( clears throat)

Well, that's some step.

Kiss, kiss, two steps
down, kiss, kiss.

Captain, I guess you don't know

that Sherry and Joey
are getting married.

Well, congratulations.

Uh, now, just because
you're gaining a husband,

that doesn't mean I'm losing
a dance teacher, does it?

Oh, no. In fact, we want
you to be the first student

in our new disco school.

Well, shall I lead?

Well, Joey...

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Yeah, till the next reunion.

Yeah.

Bye-bye.

ALL: Allagaroo! Allagari!

Here's to the star
Of Haley High!

Yeah!

( all cheering)

( upbeat theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)