The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 2, Episode 14 - Julie Falls Hard/Double Wedding/The Dummies - full transcript
(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing)
Enjoy your cruise.
(throwing voice):
Try to stay sober.
Oh, that's just part of the
entertainment this trip. You.
Hey, Patty, how
are you two doing?
Oh, we couldn't
be better, Isaac.
Speak for yourself.
I got this funny
feeling inside me.
It's my hand, dummy.
(all laughing)
Hey, where's your husband?
Are you two still a team?
They have separate bedrooms.
His is in New York,
hers is in New Jersey.
I'm sorry.
We only took this gig with him
because it was booked
a year in advance.
But it's the last time
we work together.
(throwing voice): See? I told you
not to worry. I told you they'd be here.
Uh-oh. I think I'm going to
have an attack of poison oak.
(laughing)
MAN (over PA): Captain
Stubing to the Bridge, please.
Captain Stubing to the Bridge.
Very nice.
Oh, thank you. I have
this new barber, and...
Hi there.
Oh.
Hi. I'm Judy Barrett.
And this is my
fiancé, Gary Gage.
Oh.
Welcome aboard.
Thanks.
Has my sister Joanie
checked in yet?
Not yet, no.
Is your sister as
beautiful as you?
Exactly. Really?
And her fiancé is
almost as cute as I am.
How nice for all of you.
(snickers)
( mellow theme playing)
Oh, boy. Yeah.
(both speak indistinctly)
Ah. Your sister still
hasn't checked in yet.
She must have.
She left the house
an hour before I did.
Don't worry about
it, we'll find her.
Just check, uh, me
and my fiancée in.
But aren't you engaged to...?
There they are. Oh,
the gang's all here.
Joanie. How are you?
Judy.
Twins.
Oh. You must be
the happy foursome.
Well, I'm delighted to tell you
I just received confirmation.
All arrangements
have been completed
for your double wedding
in romantic Puerto Vallarta.
Oh, congratulations,
Joanie, Judy.
No, no, no. That's Judy.
How can you be so sure?
Well, it's easy.
You're always wrong.
Gopher, remind me to give you
a class in deductive reasoning.
Joanie is with Ted,
Judy is with Gary.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Care to join me, doctor?
It isn't my fault you forgot
to bring your good jeans.
It is too. You ironed them
and hung 'em in
the stupid closet.
All right, come on now, girls.
No one cares what a 12
year old looks like anyway.
Yes, they do.
Girls, you're driving your
old man up the wall, okay?
I'm gonna tell Dad what
you did. You better not.
She kissed a boy. I did not.
You filthy snitch.
Come on now, kids. For
crying out loud, cut it out.
She blames me for everything.
She made me
forget my good jeans,
and she kissed a boy.
Stool pigeon. Hold it.
Now, you can't blame your
sister for something you forgot.
And kissing's all right.
As long as you don't
do it with just anybody.
Now, shake hands and don't
let me see you fighting again,
or I'm gonna feed you to
my giant man-eating guppy.
Shake hands.
Well, welcome aboard
the Princess, ladies.
You're terrific.
Oh. Thank you.
Uh, my own adolescence
lasted quite a long time,
and I understand girls. Heh.
Well, thanks a lot. I
mean, you really are terrific.
Well, you must be an
old adolescent yourself.
Oh, yes, that's for sure.
Well, um... (clears throat)
see you later. Uh-huh.
Come on. Enjoy your cruise.
Thank you. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
(elevator bell dings)
Nice-looking family, huh?
Yes, isn't he?
( majestic theme playing)
(boat horn blares)
(soft music playing,
people chattering)
Don't worry, it's easy.
The lady with the hat gets
the drink with the parasol.
Now, I may mix my drinks, but
I never mix up my customers.
Hey. Thanks.
Mr. Ashton, you're in luck.
I just called Puerto
Vallarta, as you suggested,
and booked the mariachi
band for the wedding.
Fantastic! All right.
And it isn't just
any mariachi band.
Los Compadres de la Playa.
Twenty-five pieces.
Trumpets, violins, the works.
Arriba!
Olé!
Ted. It's my wedding too.
Well, what...? What's wrong?
I mean, couldn't you consult me?
Well, I thought you'd like it.
Uh, I was thinking of something
a little more quiet
and romantic too.
Like, say, one guitar.
That would be perfect.
Well, I'm sorry. I'll
just cancel the band.
Are you kidding? Los Compadres?
You guys are gonna
love 'em. They're fantastic!
♪ La, la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
La-la-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
Hey!
(laughs)
(people applaud)
Oh, thank you.
Ah. Here we go.
Two gin tonics and
a drink with a parasol
for the lady in the h-hat.
Isaac. Don't tell me
you're still confused.
Now, this is Ted.
This is Gary and...
these are Joanie and Judy.
( mellow theme playing)
You've got the
oddest-texture hair.
It's a wig.
Don't you feel dumb
talking to a piece of wood?
Now that you mention it.
Oh, it's your wife.
I recognize her.
I thought he was supposed
to switch the tickets,
get separate cabins.
I guess nobody
told them that, uh,
every cabin was booked.
And I'm not
sleeping in a lifeboat.
It could have been my sister.
Well, we'll have to stay
here and make the best of it.
How can you make the best
of something that's the worst?
If they can stand it,
I guess we can too.
Speak for yourself.
I'd rather have termites.
Well, uh, what do you say
we get something to eat?
If anyone cares to join us,
we'll be in the dining room.
Right.
(soft piano music playing)
(speaking indistinctly)
Good evening. Good evening.
Good evening.
Who's the new girl?
I don't know, but
she sure is stuck-up.
Yeah.
You boys figure
she's spoken for?
ISAAC: Oh, no, no, no, no.
But I think she'd like to be.
Ah, that explains it.
Look how casually she's
looking around the room.
Indifferent, yet conspicuous.
Mm, very well put. Thank you.
(blows raspberry)
Hi, Ted. Hi, Gary. Hi, Julie.
Hi... guys. Mm.
(laughs)
Oh, excuse me. Yes? Well, hi.
Where's your sparring partner?
Oh, over there with Daddy.
Oh.
He, uh, sent me
over to invite you
to have dinner with us.
Oh, he did? Yep.
And I think I'd love to.
Come on. Thanks.
Oh, hello. Good evening.
Hi.
Hi. Oh.
Hey, neat impression. Dick
Van Dyke or Chevy Chase?
Just klutzy me.
Oh.
Well, thank you
for the invitation.
That's his good suit.
COURTNEY: New shirt.
Shaved twice.
COURTNEY: Shined his shoes.
I wonder why.
We're gonna get some
dessert from the buffet
and then go out on deck.
Come on, Courtney.
Bye, Dad.
Dessert? You didn't invite me
to dinner at all, did you?
You've already eaten.
Well, I... I certainly
would have invited you
if you'd just gotten
here a little earlier.
Oh.
Have a seat. JULIE: Thank you.
By the way, uh, Jack Chenault.
Julie McCoy. How do you do?
Terrific. How do you do?
Terrific. Oh.
I really would have
invited you earlier.
I... I wanted to, but, uh,
I didn't have the nerve.
I'm glad my daughters
have no shame.
(giggles)
While I'm rolling, I've got
another confession to make.
I did shave twice
and shine my shoes,
and put on my good
shirt and my new suit,
'cause I hoped I'd run into you.
Really? Yeah.
Well, then I have
something to tell you.
The last time I wore this dress,
I thought that Robert Redford
was gonna be onboard.
I put it on tonight, because
I... Robert Redford's onboard?
Thought I'd run into you.
No kidding?
No kidding.
Well, that's terrific.
Just... Terrific.
Oh, excuse me.
Uh, could you get
me a waiter, please?
I have to do a
show. Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sure your waiter thought
you were waiting for someone.
Oh, I am, but I don't think
the kitchen stays
open that late.
(speaks indistinctly)
( upbeat theme playing)
(applause)
GOPHER: Where have you been?
I, uh... I had a
long dessert. Heh.
I had to introduce
the act myself.
You did?
Well, good work,
Gopher. Carry on.
FEMALE DUMMY: I hate to
shock you, but I didn't go to dinner.
I was in the cabin.
Is that right? Yeah.
How come?
I'd rather eat with a dummy...
than a dummy.
(crowd laughing)
Is that a knock?
Well, if it's not,
it's a very good try.
Listen, I ordered pickled
herring especially for you.
Pickled herring? Mm-hm.
If I were there,
I wouldn't eat it
with her mouth.
(laughing)
What do you mean,
if you were there?
Didn't I kiss you at dinner?
I was in the cabin.
Don't tell me you were
in the cabin. We kissed.
Well, you must
have awfully long lips
to stretch all the way
down to the cabin.
(laughing)
Well, if I didn't kiss
you, who did I kiss?
Maybe it was a chair.
(laughter)
You're right.
It did seem more
passionate than you do.
I hope you remember
which chair it was,
because she's your date
for the rest of the cruise.
(crowd laughs, applauding)
Good night.
(band playing upbeat song)
Great. Terrific act.
(sneezes) Oh.
Captain, uh, could you
take this rose, please?
My fiancée's allergic.
Well, of course. Thanks.
Excuse me. It's
just part of my job.
It's a good thing
Judy's not allergic.
It's one of the few ways
you guys can tell us apart.
Well, uh, here's
to the other ways.
Uh, what other ways? Oh.
Well, that's it for me. I'm
gonna get some sleep.
Me too. You guys are kidding.
The night is young. Let's go.
Sorry, honey. I'm bushed.
Oh, come on, you guys.
Don't be party poopers.
Judy, you party, I'm pooped.
Future sister-in-law...
let's show these
guys some dancing.
(snaps) All right.
You know what? You
and I ought to be an item.
We got all the moves.
Oh, Gary's a heavy dancer.
Heh-heh. I should know.
He does most of his
dancing on my feet.
( mellow theme playing)
You sure you wouldn't
rather be dancing?
Uh-uh.
Would you?
No, uh, I'd rather... What?
I'd rather be
kissing you. Well...
Now, look, I-I'm not one
of those guys who thinks
that just any girl
wants to be grabbed.
Especially by me.
I mean, the moment
has to be right and...
And the indicators
have to be there.
Indicators?
Well, sure.
Oh, you... You can tell
when a girl wants to be kissed.
Is that so? How do you tell?
Heh.
Well, there's a certain
receptiveness you can sense.
Oh, I see.
Like, when a girl's
leaning on you,
establishing physical contact,
putting her face
very close to yours.
Yes. Right.
Along those lines, yes.
Well, what do you do when
you get these indicators?
When you sense
this receptiveness?
Well, ahem...
you have to understand, I-I
was married for a long time,
and I didn't go in a
lot for trying things out
with new girls. So I'm rusty.
But... the instincts
are still there.
You know, it's like
riding a bicycle.
You never really forget how
to sense this receptiveness.
So what you have to do is...
Shut up and kiss 'em.
How's that?
Yeah. You just have... Shut up.
( romantic theme playing)
You must have been
a hell of a bicycle rider.
Yeah, you better believe it.
( mellow theme playing)
(band plays upbeat jazzy music)
Oh, boy. Fantastic.
You know, Joanie...
I'm gonna get out of the city
and find a little shack
on a beach someplace.
Do you think Judy
would like that?
Hm. She'd be
crazy if she didn't.
Sometimes I wish I
were more like Judy.
You know, the life of the party.
Oh, don't knock yourself.
You're a terrific person.
And I'm a lucky guy.
Not only do I get to marry
the one and only
girl of my dreams,
but I get a great
sister-in-law as well.
Thanks, Gary. That's
a sweet thing to say.
If... If only Ted...
Ted? Look, Ted's Ted.
He's wild. And that's
why we love him.
You're getting a
great guy, Joanie.
Yeah.
Ah. Good evening, Gary, Judy.
Joanie.
Then you must be Ted.
Uh, Gary.
(sighs)
I'll never get them straight.
Good night, Doc.
Gopher.
(laughing)
What are you laughing
at? I didn't say anything.
Feed them pickled herring.
Can you beat that?
I hate pickled herring.
Yeah.
How can you remember
everything I hate
and nothing I love?
He remembers everything.
She loves watching old
tearjerker movies on TV.
She loves eating pizza in bed.
She loves the smell of the city
after a summer rain.
She loves buying useless
gadgets from mail-order catalogs.
She loves huddling close
on cold winter mornings.
She loves you.
Who said that? You or the dummy?
It was her.
( melancholy theme playing)
(mellow music playing)
Nice to have a little time to
yourself sometime, isn't it?
I really like your girls.
Well, Julie's
not really my girl.
As a matter of fact,
I just met her today.
She sure is nice, though.
Oh. Heh.
I said "girls."
Ashley, Courtney. Ha-ha.
Oh. Oh, my girls. Yes.
Thank you. Yeah.
I like 'em too. I
mean, I love 'em.
Yeah. They're dynamite.
I like Julie too.
I mean, uh, I wouldn't
call Julie a... A girl.
I mean, I'd call that
a... A... A woman.
Oh, yeah. She
certainly is that, all right.
And a very lovely woman too.
I suppose, um...
you two must be very
good friends by now, hm?
Oh, yeah. About three years.
Uh, a girl like that... I
mean, a woman like that...
There must be a lot of
guys chasing after her.
(whistles)
A whole bunch.
But there's a big
difference between, uh...
chasing and catching.
Oh, sure. Well... a
woman in her position
has to be very careful
with so many men
onboard on vacation,
looking to have a good time.
Yeah, but I-I wouldn't
worry about Julie.
I mean... she's very careful.
Good.
Besides, uh, the captain...
Doc, Gopher and I,
we're always there
to keep an eye on her.
You know?
You're crazy about
her, aren't you?
Well... I only
just met her. I...
I hardly...
Yeah.
Yes, I am.
That one's on me.
Good luck.
(clink)
Ha.
( upbeat theme playing)
(indistinct dialogue)
Alaska's far out.
In the summertime,
it never gets dark.
You can play outside
till 3:00 in the morning.
And stuff we grow
in our garden gets just huge.
Lettuce this big.
Ha.
Well, maybe.
It's true. All that sunshine.
It's fantastic.
How would you guys like
one of my super-special
bloody marys?
Uhh. Mm-mm.
Thanks anyway, Isaac,
but I think we'll
stick to our milk.
I've heard about your
bloody marys, Isaac.
It's 7:30 in the morning.
If I have one of those,
I won't make it to 8.
(laughs uncomfortably)
So, uh, how about the winters?
Oh, it's great.
Sometimes it gets to
15-above in the day. Ooh.
And you hook your car
into a heater every night,
so the engine doesn't freeze.
Are you guys on the
chamber of commerce
payroll or something?
Let's go get another
Danish. Another one?
They certainly are
enthusiastic about Alaska.
I think it's you they're
enthusiastic about.
Oh. Well...
I'll just have to try
to make it up there
one of these days.
(sighs)
Julie, when my wife died,
I never thought I'd say
this to another woman.
And after knowing
somebody for one day,
it's preposterous, but...
But I love you.
Jack.
I'm not some romantic kid
who doesn't know when
he's in love or not. I...
I know when I'm in love. Jack.
You know, you're not
being very cooperative.
When one dope says "I love you,"
the other dope is supposed
to say "I love you too."
I love you too.
You do?
( romantic theme playing)
Uh-huh. Really?
No kidding? No kidding.
Oh.
Julie. Isaac said we
can't have a fifth Danish
unless you say so.
Please. We're growing kids.
Okay. But if you don't finish
your Danish, no ice cream.
Be right back.
Now, that makes
a pleasant picture.
You know something, Julie?
You'd make a wonderful mother.
( mellow theme playing)
Michael? Yeah?
Why can't it always
be like last night?
Well, I guess because
sooner or later,
you have to get out of bed.
That's right. In bed,
you don't have to talk.
Did you hear that?
Of course I heard it.
What do you think these things
on the side of my
head are? Seashells?
I think she's insinuating
that, uh, I don't like to talk.
Is she kidding? I
can't get you to stop.
If you ask me, she's the one
who never says
what's on her mind.
Me?
Well, he said it, I didn't.
She's hard to reach.
Am I hard to reach? Am I?
(inaudible whispering)
Don't whisper. Say it out loud.
I said, why pay attention
to a log and a bump on a log?
(laughs)
That's you. You always
fight back with an insult.
I have to. That's
all you understand.
Women. They're all the same.
We are not. You just
bring out the worst in me.
Well, there's certainly
plenty to go around.
You're horrible.
Last night, you were so
loving, and today, you're hateful.
Well, you know what they say.
There's a fine line
between love and hate.
That's what they
say. But I don't.
Let's get out of here.
Whatever you say.
( mellow theme playing)
Joanie? Yeah?
You awake?
I guess so. I just said "yeah."
Happy wedding day.
Same to you.
Judy? Yeah?
I can't go through with it.
That's just nerves.
How do you know?
'Cause I feel the
same way you do.
Nerves.
Nerves.
Either that or we don't
wanna get married.
I've got nothing
against getting married.
Me neither.
So how come we've got nerves?
Probably because we're
marrying the wrong guys.
Ted and Gary are nice.
Who else are we gonna marry?
I mean, we've got
the wrong guys.
You should marry Gary.
I should marry Ted.
Yes.
You think so too?
Why didn't you say something?
I don't know. It's so obvious.
I mean, you and Gary
have everything in common.
The same with me and Ted.
Maybe if we'd had
longer engagements,
we would have
found this out in time.
There's still time.
Let's tell the guys.
Are you crazy? It's
our wedding day.
You're right.
We don't have to tell the guys.
All we have to do is switch
places, and they'll never know.
You are crazy.
It worked all through school.
Exams, the senior prom,
the school psychologist.
Yeah, we almost drove him nuts.
It'll work.
Isn't it better than
spending your whole life
with the wrong guy?
From now on, you're me.
( mellow theme playing)
Do you have your rings? Yeah.
We have the rings.
Nervous, fellas? Ha. Sure.
You don't get married
every day, you know.
Yeah. Doc does.
Ha.
Good luck, Judy.
Good luck, Joanie.
That's the last time
I'll be calling you that.
Hey. There they are.
ALL: Aw.
(all humming "Here
Comes the Bride")
What are you doing?
Oh, I couldn't find any rice,
so I'm throwing pistachio nuts.
Joanie, darling,
you look beautiful.
I'm Judy.
Oh. Oh.
(laughs) Ahem.
Well, I'm glad we found
out now rather than later.
Wait. I wanna take
a wedding picture.
I got four sets of my
own I could let you have.
(people chuckle)
Aren't their wedding
dresses pretty, Julie?
Oh, they sure are.
Bet you'd make
a beautiful bride.
Oh.
Oh! I almost forgot.
There you go. They're
beautiful. Thank you.
Yes, they're... (sneezing)
Good. Now I know who's who.
The one with the
allergy is Joanie.
No, that's Judy.
(sneezes)
I guess I'm just getting a cold.
That's good. For a minute there,
I thought we had
the wrong girls.
(laughs)
All right, everybody.
Say cheese.
Gorgonzola.
(all laugh)
All right. So long.
Good luck. See you later.
So long. GIRLS: Bye.
Bye-bye. Bye.
( calm theme playing)
(laughter, applause)
Very funny. Very funny.
You sure know how to hurt a guy.
Hurt you?
How can you hurt someone
with a heart of stone?
I thought you were
made out of wood?
(laughter)
They're almost real.
Almost real?
How many guys do you know
who have someone's hand
stuck through their back?
(laughter)
It'd be easier to stick their
hands through your head.
There's nothing
between your two ears.
(laughing)
Hey. How about a little kiss?
No. How about a little hug?
No!
How about a
little, uh, love, huh?
No-oh-oh.
Well, then, uh, how
about a little divorce?
(laughter)
I, uh... I think you hurt
Patty's feelings, you know.
Divorce is nothing
to joke about.
Right. But their marriage is.
What difference does it make
if they get divorced anyway?
Well, it means a lot to me.
I could get into some
serious fooling around.
(laughter, applause)
(burps) Uh... Sorry
about my friend, uh...
He, uh...
He doesn't think too
much before he speaks.
It's okay.
It's just a strange way to
hear that you want a divorce.
I mean, we never
talked about it before.
Well... I just
thought I'd throw it in
as part of the act, you know?
Are you kidding?
Our whole marriage
has been part of the act.
I suggest we leave
the divorce stuff in.
(scoffs)
What do you think
of that? Yeah, me too.
I'll have the button sewn
on your sweater by dinner,
and I'll give it to you then.
I wanna watch you sew. No.
Yeah, me too.
I bet you stick yourself
with the needle.
Well, if I do, I'll show you
the hole in my finger later.
Tsk. Now, off you go.
Mm.
Hey, your father probably
thinks you've disowned him.
Now, see you later.
Bye. Bye.
Hi, Mom.
( melancholy theme playing)
Mom?
JULIE (thinking): Mom, the button you
sewed on my sweater came off again.
Mom, it's time to
take me to Girl Scouts.
Mom, what's for dinner?
Mom, we don't like broccoli.
Mom, why didn't
you iron my jeans?
Mom... why are you
so upset and miserable?
It's because your daddy...
is the sexiest...
most wonderful man I ever met.
And probably the best
kisser in the whole world.
Kids are great.
But it's all happening so fast.
I'm not ready for it.
I'm just too damn young
to have grown up children.
(band playing upbeat jazz music)
(people chattering)
Hi.
Hey. We were just about
to send out a search party.
We missed you at dinner.
Did you sew on my button?
I sure did. See?
Jack, I'm sorry about dinner,
but something came up.
The captain needed to see me.
Some sort of emergency
or something, and...
No problem. Better
late than never.
Oh. Well, you see, that's
why I came down to talk to you.
(sighs)
I'm not finished working yet.
Well, that's all right.
We'll be around.
Just look for the guy with
the silly grin on his face.
Okay. I'll find you.
Fine.
All right. All right.
Good evening. Good evening.
Yeah. A lot you know.
Now, there, my boys,
is a woman in love.
(in yokel voice): Golly,
professor. How can you tell?
(with German accent): Well,
she has all the symptoms.
She is, uh, testy, mean,
evasive, shifty-eyed.
And, uh, walks around
like she's going somewhere,
which we all know she ain't.
(in normal voice):
And scared to death.
(song ends, people applaud)
Hey, hey. Hey.
WOMAN: All right.
Congratulations.
Thank you, thank you.
I'll be right back,
Joanie, darling.
I'll get the champagne.
I love you, Judy.
Thanks a heap, Judy.
You didn't tell me
Gary wanted six kids.
I love kids.
You didn't tell me Ted
didn't want his wife to work.
So you'll give up
your career. I will not.
Oh. Congratulations.
(chuckles)
Oh.
I see you're wearing
different wedding bands.
Well, finally I
can tell you apart.
(chuckles)
Uh, you are, um...?
Uh, Jo... Judy.
Uh, Judy, Joanie.
Now I'll never forget.
Congratulations again.
Judy, Joanie.
5Judy, Joanie.
What are we gonna do? We
goofed. We shouldn't have switched.
I know. But what can we
do? We're married now.
Legally bound.
Bound is right.
Wait a minute.
Your husband thinks he's
married to Judy, and that's me.
And my husband thinks
he's married to Joanie,
and that's you. We can't.
All we have to do is switch
back to our regular names,
then we'll match the
marriage licenses,
and we'll each be
with the right guy.
It's illegal.
Joanie. It's like driving
60 in a 55-mile zone.
It's only illegal if
you get caught.
Okay, we'll do it.
(humming)
Hey, did you miss us? Oh, yeah.
Yes. There you go.
I finally figured out a way
to tell your wives apart.
Uh, may I see the rings?
Joanie, Judy.
COUPLES: Right.
(laughing)
Carry on.
( mellow theme playing)
(band playing slow jazz)
(band stops) (crowd applauds)
Ladies and gentlemen, we
have a very talented twosome...
I should say foursome
with us tonight.
I'm sure you already know them.
They've been entertaining
you since the cruise began.
So let's have a
very warm welcome
for Pat and Mike, the Harmons.
(band plays
triumphant introduction)
(Michael clears throat)
Good evening.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Gentlemen? I guess that's us.
That'll be the day.
(laughter)
She's starting on me again.
Well, maybe she's
only picking on you
because she loves you.
That'll be another day.
MICHAEL: Well, what
has she got against you?
FEMALE DUMMY: I've
got nothing against you.
And I've got nothing
for you either.
It doesn't matter.
This is the last time we'll
be seeing each other.
Huh?
Michael wants to get a divorce.
Isn't that right?
That's what I heard.
MALE DUMMY: Well, that doesn't
mean we can't work together, does it?
I hate to tell you this,
but we only say
what they tell us to.
No.
If they've got nothing
left to say to each other...
They've got lots to
say to each other,
but they just can't say it.
Things like..."I'm
sorry I never listened."
"I'm sorry I took
you for granted."
"I'm sorry I was more
interested in getting laughs
than I was in us."
Things like, uh, "I don't know
how I'm gonna live without you."
Oh, please.
Please can't we
give it another try?
( melancholy theme playing)
Why, Michael, you're crying.
What's the matter? You
never seen a guy cry before?
You think we got ice
water in our veins?
Sap.
Sap is right.
I'm the only sap in the crowd.
Hey, look, Patty, uh,
let's not throw away everything.
I mean... I... I still love you.
Oh, Michael.
(crowd applauding)
Nice going, kid.
We're no dummies.
(laughter, applause)
Couldn't resist, could you?
The only thing I
can't resist is you.
( mellow theme playing)
Julie?
Oh, well, hi there.
How's every little thing?
Okay, I guess. How's
every little thing with you?
Me? Terrific.
Couldn't be better.
You've been avoiding us.
Nonsense. Avoiding you?
Julie, would you like
us to tell you a story?
Sure. Okay.
Well, thank you.
Well, you see... it's
about my Aunt Kathy.
Mm-hm.
She got married to Uncle
Frank when she was 17 years old,
and had all these little babies.
Only four. They're our cousins.
Well, now she's
old. Thirty maybe.
And she lives with a rock band.
Yeah? Well, where are her kids?
They live with Uncle Frank.
Do you know why she went away
and lives with a rock band?
Why?
'Cause she never got
to be a young person.
That's what she told Daddy.
Well, anyway, I guess that's
why you're getting cold feet.
About marrying Daddy and
coming to live with us in Alaska.
Being our mother.
(sighs)
Yeah, that's me.
Old cold-feet Julie.
Oh, and listen.
You guys are great,
and I'm crazy about you.
And I'm especially mad
about your father. I...
I just wish that...
That he didn't have us.
No. No.
No.
I just don't wanna
have a whole family
all at the same time. I...
I want a gradual family.
I want...
to be a young person
for a while longer.
Ow.
I love you. Oh.
Ahem.
Gee, when a girl breaks up
with a guy's kids,
it's, uh... Oh, Jack.
It's all right.
I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.
You know, I think I'll be
glad to go back to work.
Falling in love is exhausting.
I know.
Jack... You don't
have to say a word.
I don't wanna tie anybody down,
unless that person
wants to be tied down.
Jack, you're a wonderful man,
and I care about
you a great deal.
Well, that's something
we have in common,
because I care a
great deal for you too.
You wanna go inside
and have a drink?
No.
A little dancing?
Mm-mm.
Midnight buffet?
No.
Hey. Don't tell me
you've run out of ideas.
(laughs)
( upbeat theme playing)
(boat horns blares)
Goodbye.
Boy, I'm glad you two
guys had a change of heart.
And a change of address.
At least he is. He's
moving in with us again.
Ah. Then we'll be
seeing the team
of Pat and Mike again, huh?
Oh. Not if it's a cold winter.
We'll be too busy keeping warm.
That looks like
fun. Wanna try it?
I'm game.
Timber! Whee!
I think they'd
better have children.
STUBING: Bye. Bye.
Goodbye. I hope we
see you all again soon.
But next time, under
happier circumstances.
(all laugh)
At least now I know
how to tell you apart.
Oh, that's easy.
That's Gary and that's Ted.
STUBING: I have a better idea.
Here.
Never take those off.
Now, that should do it.
Sorry, captain.
You haven't lost it, Merrill.
(hisses)
Will you get out of here?
Bye-bye. Bye.
Bye. Enjoy your lives.
Have a good honeymoon.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
( peaceful theme playing)
It was nice meeting you.
Oh, it was wonderful
meeting you.
Julie? Hm?
I... I wish you were
coming with us.
(sobbing)
Courtney, shut up.
She has a big mouth.
I was just gonna say,
if you ever get to
Alaska, look us up.
I will.
Oh, Julie, I wish you
were coming with us.
Will the real bigmouth
please stand up?
Okay.
I love you. I love you.
Bye. Bye, Julie.
I love you.
I love you. Bye-bye.
I'm gonna miss you. Bye.
(seagulls cawing)
( emotional theme playing)
Julie...
maybe we... Oh. Oh, Jack, no.
Yeah.
Well... If you ever
get to L.A. again...
maybe you could look me up.
Sure.
If you ever get up to Alaska...
You know, that's not
altogether impossible.
We have cruises,
and I could get on one of
them accidentally, and...
Maybe on purpose.
Sure.
Well, if you do... look me up?
Yeah.
(crying)
Yeah.
Bye.
( majestic theme playing)
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing)
Enjoy your cruise.
(throwing voice):
Try to stay sober.
Oh, that's just part of the
entertainment this trip. You.
Hey, Patty, how
are you two doing?
Oh, we couldn't
be better, Isaac.
Speak for yourself.
I got this funny
feeling inside me.
It's my hand, dummy.
(all laughing)
Hey, where's your husband?
Are you two still a team?
They have separate bedrooms.
His is in New York,
hers is in New Jersey.
I'm sorry.
We only took this gig with him
because it was booked
a year in advance.
But it's the last time
we work together.
(throwing voice): See? I told you
not to worry. I told you they'd be here.
Uh-oh. I think I'm going to
have an attack of poison oak.
(laughing)
MAN (over PA): Captain
Stubing to the Bridge, please.
Captain Stubing to the Bridge.
Very nice.
Oh, thank you. I have
this new barber, and...
Hi there.
Oh.
Hi. I'm Judy Barrett.
And this is my
fiancé, Gary Gage.
Oh.
Welcome aboard.
Thanks.
Has my sister Joanie
checked in yet?
Not yet, no.
Is your sister as
beautiful as you?
Exactly. Really?
And her fiancé is
almost as cute as I am.
How nice for all of you.
(snickers)
( mellow theme playing)
Oh, boy. Yeah.
(both speak indistinctly)
Ah. Your sister still
hasn't checked in yet.
She must have.
She left the house
an hour before I did.
Don't worry about
it, we'll find her.
Just check, uh, me
and my fiancée in.
But aren't you engaged to...?
There they are. Oh,
the gang's all here.
Joanie. How are you?
Judy.
Twins.
Oh. You must be
the happy foursome.
Well, I'm delighted to tell you
I just received confirmation.
All arrangements
have been completed
for your double wedding
in romantic Puerto Vallarta.
Oh, congratulations,
Joanie, Judy.
No, no, no. That's Judy.
How can you be so sure?
Well, it's easy.
You're always wrong.
Gopher, remind me to give you
a class in deductive reasoning.
Joanie is with Ted,
Judy is with Gary.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Care to join me, doctor?
It isn't my fault you forgot
to bring your good jeans.
It is too. You ironed them
and hung 'em in
the stupid closet.
All right, come on now, girls.
No one cares what a 12
year old looks like anyway.
Yes, they do.
Girls, you're driving your
old man up the wall, okay?
I'm gonna tell Dad what
you did. You better not.
She kissed a boy. I did not.
You filthy snitch.
Come on now, kids. For
crying out loud, cut it out.
She blames me for everything.
She made me
forget my good jeans,
and she kissed a boy.
Stool pigeon. Hold it.
Now, you can't blame your
sister for something you forgot.
And kissing's all right.
As long as you don't
do it with just anybody.
Now, shake hands and don't
let me see you fighting again,
or I'm gonna feed you to
my giant man-eating guppy.
Shake hands.
Well, welcome aboard
the Princess, ladies.
You're terrific.
Oh. Thank you.
Uh, my own adolescence
lasted quite a long time,
and I understand girls. Heh.
Well, thanks a lot. I
mean, you really are terrific.
Well, you must be an
old adolescent yourself.
Oh, yes, that's for sure.
Well, um... (clears throat)
see you later. Uh-huh.
Come on. Enjoy your cruise.
Thank you. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
(elevator bell dings)
Nice-looking family, huh?
Yes, isn't he?
( majestic theme playing)
(boat horn blares)
(soft music playing,
people chattering)
Don't worry, it's easy.
The lady with the hat gets
the drink with the parasol.
Now, I may mix my drinks, but
I never mix up my customers.
Hey. Thanks.
Mr. Ashton, you're in luck.
I just called Puerto
Vallarta, as you suggested,
and booked the mariachi
band for the wedding.
Fantastic! All right.
And it isn't just
any mariachi band.
Los Compadres de la Playa.
Twenty-five pieces.
Trumpets, violins, the works.
Arriba!
Olé!
Ted. It's my wedding too.
Well, what...? What's wrong?
I mean, couldn't you consult me?
Well, I thought you'd like it.
Uh, I was thinking of something
a little more quiet
and romantic too.
Like, say, one guitar.
That would be perfect.
Well, I'm sorry. I'll
just cancel the band.
Are you kidding? Los Compadres?
You guys are gonna
love 'em. They're fantastic!
♪ La, la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
La-la-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
Hey!
(laughs)
(people applaud)
Oh, thank you.
Ah. Here we go.
Two gin tonics and
a drink with a parasol
for the lady in the h-hat.
Isaac. Don't tell me
you're still confused.
Now, this is Ted.
This is Gary and...
these are Joanie and Judy.
( mellow theme playing)
You've got the
oddest-texture hair.
It's a wig.
Don't you feel dumb
talking to a piece of wood?
Now that you mention it.
Oh, it's your wife.
I recognize her.
I thought he was supposed
to switch the tickets,
get separate cabins.
I guess nobody
told them that, uh,
every cabin was booked.
And I'm not
sleeping in a lifeboat.
It could have been my sister.
Well, we'll have to stay
here and make the best of it.
How can you make the best
of something that's the worst?
If they can stand it,
I guess we can too.
Speak for yourself.
I'd rather have termites.
Well, uh, what do you say
we get something to eat?
If anyone cares to join us,
we'll be in the dining room.
Right.
(soft piano music playing)
(speaking indistinctly)
Good evening. Good evening.
Good evening.
Who's the new girl?
I don't know, but
she sure is stuck-up.
Yeah.
You boys figure
she's spoken for?
ISAAC: Oh, no, no, no, no.
But I think she'd like to be.
Ah, that explains it.
Look how casually she's
looking around the room.
Indifferent, yet conspicuous.
Mm, very well put. Thank you.
(blows raspberry)
Hi, Ted. Hi, Gary. Hi, Julie.
Hi... guys. Mm.
(laughs)
Oh, excuse me. Yes? Well, hi.
Where's your sparring partner?
Oh, over there with Daddy.
Oh.
He, uh, sent me
over to invite you
to have dinner with us.
Oh, he did? Yep.
And I think I'd love to.
Come on. Thanks.
Oh, hello. Good evening.
Hi.
Hi. Oh.
Hey, neat impression. Dick
Van Dyke or Chevy Chase?
Just klutzy me.
Oh.
Well, thank you
for the invitation.
That's his good suit.
COURTNEY: New shirt.
Shaved twice.
COURTNEY: Shined his shoes.
I wonder why.
We're gonna get some
dessert from the buffet
and then go out on deck.
Come on, Courtney.
Bye, Dad.
Dessert? You didn't invite me
to dinner at all, did you?
You've already eaten.
Well, I... I certainly
would have invited you
if you'd just gotten
here a little earlier.
Oh.
Have a seat. JULIE: Thank you.
By the way, uh, Jack Chenault.
Julie McCoy. How do you do?
Terrific. How do you do?
Terrific. Oh.
I really would have
invited you earlier.
I... I wanted to, but, uh,
I didn't have the nerve.
I'm glad my daughters
have no shame.
(giggles)
While I'm rolling, I've got
another confession to make.
I did shave twice
and shine my shoes,
and put on my good
shirt and my new suit,
'cause I hoped I'd run into you.
Really? Yeah.
Well, then I have
something to tell you.
The last time I wore this dress,
I thought that Robert Redford
was gonna be onboard.
I put it on tonight, because
I... Robert Redford's onboard?
Thought I'd run into you.
No kidding?
No kidding.
Well, that's terrific.
Just... Terrific.
Oh, excuse me.
Uh, could you get
me a waiter, please?
I have to do a
show. Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sure your waiter thought
you were waiting for someone.
Oh, I am, but I don't think
the kitchen stays
open that late.
(speaks indistinctly)
( upbeat theme playing)
(applause)
GOPHER: Where have you been?
I, uh... I had a
long dessert. Heh.
I had to introduce
the act myself.
You did?
Well, good work,
Gopher. Carry on.
FEMALE DUMMY: I hate to
shock you, but I didn't go to dinner.
I was in the cabin.
Is that right? Yeah.
How come?
I'd rather eat with a dummy...
than a dummy.
(crowd laughing)
Is that a knock?
Well, if it's not,
it's a very good try.
Listen, I ordered pickled
herring especially for you.
Pickled herring? Mm-hm.
If I were there,
I wouldn't eat it
with her mouth.
(laughing)
What do you mean,
if you were there?
Didn't I kiss you at dinner?
I was in the cabin.
Don't tell me you were
in the cabin. We kissed.
Well, you must
have awfully long lips
to stretch all the way
down to the cabin.
(laughing)
Well, if I didn't kiss
you, who did I kiss?
Maybe it was a chair.
(laughter)
You're right.
It did seem more
passionate than you do.
I hope you remember
which chair it was,
because she's your date
for the rest of the cruise.
(crowd laughs, applauding)
Good night.
(band playing upbeat song)
Great. Terrific act.
(sneezes) Oh.
Captain, uh, could you
take this rose, please?
My fiancée's allergic.
Well, of course. Thanks.
Excuse me. It's
just part of my job.
It's a good thing
Judy's not allergic.
It's one of the few ways
you guys can tell us apart.
Well, uh, here's
to the other ways.
Uh, what other ways? Oh.
Well, that's it for me. I'm
gonna get some sleep.
Me too. You guys are kidding.
The night is young. Let's go.
Sorry, honey. I'm bushed.
Oh, come on, you guys.
Don't be party poopers.
Judy, you party, I'm pooped.
Future sister-in-law...
let's show these
guys some dancing.
(snaps) All right.
You know what? You
and I ought to be an item.
We got all the moves.
Oh, Gary's a heavy dancer.
Heh-heh. I should know.
He does most of his
dancing on my feet.
( mellow theme playing)
You sure you wouldn't
rather be dancing?
Uh-uh.
Would you?
No, uh, I'd rather... What?
I'd rather be
kissing you. Well...
Now, look, I-I'm not one
of those guys who thinks
that just any girl
wants to be grabbed.
Especially by me.
I mean, the moment
has to be right and...
And the indicators
have to be there.
Indicators?
Well, sure.
Oh, you... You can tell
when a girl wants to be kissed.
Is that so? How do you tell?
Heh.
Well, there's a certain
receptiveness you can sense.
Oh, I see.
Like, when a girl's
leaning on you,
establishing physical contact,
putting her face
very close to yours.
Yes. Right.
Along those lines, yes.
Well, what do you do when
you get these indicators?
When you sense
this receptiveness?
Well, ahem...
you have to understand, I-I
was married for a long time,
and I didn't go in a
lot for trying things out
with new girls. So I'm rusty.
But... the instincts
are still there.
You know, it's like
riding a bicycle.
You never really forget how
to sense this receptiveness.
So what you have to do is...
Shut up and kiss 'em.
How's that?
Yeah. You just have... Shut up.
( romantic theme playing)
You must have been
a hell of a bicycle rider.
Yeah, you better believe it.
( mellow theme playing)
(band plays upbeat jazzy music)
Oh, boy. Fantastic.
You know, Joanie...
I'm gonna get out of the city
and find a little shack
on a beach someplace.
Do you think Judy
would like that?
Hm. She'd be
crazy if she didn't.
Sometimes I wish I
were more like Judy.
You know, the life of the party.
Oh, don't knock yourself.
You're a terrific person.
And I'm a lucky guy.
Not only do I get to marry
the one and only
girl of my dreams,
but I get a great
sister-in-law as well.
Thanks, Gary. That's
a sweet thing to say.
If... If only Ted...
Ted? Look, Ted's Ted.
He's wild. And that's
why we love him.
You're getting a
great guy, Joanie.
Yeah.
Ah. Good evening, Gary, Judy.
Joanie.
Then you must be Ted.
Uh, Gary.
(sighs)
I'll never get them straight.
Good night, Doc.
Gopher.
(laughing)
What are you laughing
at? I didn't say anything.
Feed them pickled herring.
Can you beat that?
I hate pickled herring.
Yeah.
How can you remember
everything I hate
and nothing I love?
He remembers everything.
She loves watching old
tearjerker movies on TV.
She loves eating pizza in bed.
She loves the smell of the city
after a summer rain.
She loves buying useless
gadgets from mail-order catalogs.
She loves huddling close
on cold winter mornings.
She loves you.
Who said that? You or the dummy?
It was her.
( melancholy theme playing)
(mellow music playing)
Nice to have a little time to
yourself sometime, isn't it?
I really like your girls.
Well, Julie's
not really my girl.
As a matter of fact,
I just met her today.
She sure is nice, though.
Oh. Heh.
I said "girls."
Ashley, Courtney. Ha-ha.
Oh. Oh, my girls. Yes.
Thank you. Yeah.
I like 'em too. I
mean, I love 'em.
Yeah. They're dynamite.
I like Julie too.
I mean, uh, I wouldn't
call Julie a... A girl.
I mean, I'd call that
a... A... A woman.
Oh, yeah. She
certainly is that, all right.
And a very lovely woman too.
I suppose, um...
you two must be very
good friends by now, hm?
Oh, yeah. About three years.
Uh, a girl like that... I
mean, a woman like that...
There must be a lot of
guys chasing after her.
(whistles)
A whole bunch.
But there's a big
difference between, uh...
chasing and catching.
Oh, sure. Well... a
woman in her position
has to be very careful
with so many men
onboard on vacation,
looking to have a good time.
Yeah, but I-I wouldn't
worry about Julie.
I mean... she's very careful.
Good.
Besides, uh, the captain...
Doc, Gopher and I,
we're always there
to keep an eye on her.
You know?
You're crazy about
her, aren't you?
Well... I only
just met her. I...
I hardly...
Yeah.
Yes, I am.
That one's on me.
Good luck.
(clink)
Ha.
( upbeat theme playing)
(indistinct dialogue)
Alaska's far out.
In the summertime,
it never gets dark.
You can play outside
till 3:00 in the morning.
And stuff we grow
in our garden gets just huge.
Lettuce this big.
Ha.
Well, maybe.
It's true. All that sunshine.
It's fantastic.
How would you guys like
one of my super-special
bloody marys?
Uhh. Mm-mm.
Thanks anyway, Isaac,
but I think we'll
stick to our milk.
I've heard about your
bloody marys, Isaac.
It's 7:30 in the morning.
If I have one of those,
I won't make it to 8.
(laughs uncomfortably)
So, uh, how about the winters?
Oh, it's great.
Sometimes it gets to
15-above in the day. Ooh.
And you hook your car
into a heater every night,
so the engine doesn't freeze.
Are you guys on the
chamber of commerce
payroll or something?
Let's go get another
Danish. Another one?
They certainly are
enthusiastic about Alaska.
I think it's you they're
enthusiastic about.
Oh. Well...
I'll just have to try
to make it up there
one of these days.
(sighs)
Julie, when my wife died,
I never thought I'd say
this to another woman.
And after knowing
somebody for one day,
it's preposterous, but...
But I love you.
Jack.
I'm not some romantic kid
who doesn't know when
he's in love or not. I...
I know when I'm in love. Jack.
You know, you're not
being very cooperative.
When one dope says "I love you,"
the other dope is supposed
to say "I love you too."
I love you too.
You do?
( romantic theme playing)
Uh-huh. Really?
No kidding? No kidding.
Oh.
Julie. Isaac said we
can't have a fifth Danish
unless you say so.
Please. We're growing kids.
Okay. But if you don't finish
your Danish, no ice cream.
Be right back.
Now, that makes
a pleasant picture.
You know something, Julie?
You'd make a wonderful mother.
( mellow theme playing)
Michael? Yeah?
Why can't it always
be like last night?
Well, I guess because
sooner or later,
you have to get out of bed.
That's right. In bed,
you don't have to talk.
Did you hear that?
Of course I heard it.
What do you think these things
on the side of my
head are? Seashells?
I think she's insinuating
that, uh, I don't like to talk.
Is she kidding? I
can't get you to stop.
If you ask me, she's the one
who never says
what's on her mind.
Me?
Well, he said it, I didn't.
She's hard to reach.
Am I hard to reach? Am I?
(inaudible whispering)
Don't whisper. Say it out loud.
I said, why pay attention
to a log and a bump on a log?
(laughs)
That's you. You always
fight back with an insult.
I have to. That's
all you understand.
Women. They're all the same.
We are not. You just
bring out the worst in me.
Well, there's certainly
plenty to go around.
You're horrible.
Last night, you were so
loving, and today, you're hateful.
Well, you know what they say.
There's a fine line
between love and hate.
That's what they
say. But I don't.
Let's get out of here.
Whatever you say.
( mellow theme playing)
Joanie? Yeah?
You awake?
I guess so. I just said "yeah."
Happy wedding day.
Same to you.
Judy? Yeah?
I can't go through with it.
That's just nerves.
How do you know?
'Cause I feel the
same way you do.
Nerves.
Nerves.
Either that or we don't
wanna get married.
I've got nothing
against getting married.
Me neither.
So how come we've got nerves?
Probably because we're
marrying the wrong guys.
Ted and Gary are nice.
Who else are we gonna marry?
I mean, we've got
the wrong guys.
You should marry Gary.
I should marry Ted.
Yes.
You think so too?
Why didn't you say something?
I don't know. It's so obvious.
I mean, you and Gary
have everything in common.
The same with me and Ted.
Maybe if we'd had
longer engagements,
we would have
found this out in time.
There's still time.
Let's tell the guys.
Are you crazy? It's
our wedding day.
You're right.
We don't have to tell the guys.
All we have to do is switch
places, and they'll never know.
You are crazy.
It worked all through school.
Exams, the senior prom,
the school psychologist.
Yeah, we almost drove him nuts.
It'll work.
Isn't it better than
spending your whole life
with the wrong guy?
From now on, you're me.
( mellow theme playing)
Do you have your rings? Yeah.
We have the rings.
Nervous, fellas? Ha. Sure.
You don't get married
every day, you know.
Yeah. Doc does.
Ha.
Good luck, Judy.
Good luck, Joanie.
That's the last time
I'll be calling you that.
Hey. There they are.
ALL: Aw.
(all humming "Here
Comes the Bride")
What are you doing?
Oh, I couldn't find any rice,
so I'm throwing pistachio nuts.
Joanie, darling,
you look beautiful.
I'm Judy.
Oh. Oh.
(laughs) Ahem.
Well, I'm glad we found
out now rather than later.
Wait. I wanna take
a wedding picture.
I got four sets of my
own I could let you have.
(people chuckle)
Aren't their wedding
dresses pretty, Julie?
Oh, they sure are.
Bet you'd make
a beautiful bride.
Oh.
Oh! I almost forgot.
There you go. They're
beautiful. Thank you.
Yes, they're... (sneezing)
Good. Now I know who's who.
The one with the
allergy is Joanie.
No, that's Judy.
(sneezes)
I guess I'm just getting a cold.
That's good. For a minute there,
I thought we had
the wrong girls.
(laughs)
All right, everybody.
Say cheese.
Gorgonzola.
(all laugh)
All right. So long.
Good luck. See you later.
So long. GIRLS: Bye.
Bye-bye. Bye.
( calm theme playing)
(laughter, applause)
Very funny. Very funny.
You sure know how to hurt a guy.
Hurt you?
How can you hurt someone
with a heart of stone?
I thought you were
made out of wood?
(laughter)
They're almost real.
Almost real?
How many guys do you know
who have someone's hand
stuck through their back?
(laughter)
It'd be easier to stick their
hands through your head.
There's nothing
between your two ears.
(laughing)
Hey. How about a little kiss?
No. How about a little hug?
No!
How about a
little, uh, love, huh?
No-oh-oh.
Well, then, uh, how
about a little divorce?
(laughter)
I, uh... I think you hurt
Patty's feelings, you know.
Divorce is nothing
to joke about.
Right. But their marriage is.
What difference does it make
if they get divorced anyway?
Well, it means a lot to me.
I could get into some
serious fooling around.
(laughter, applause)
(burps) Uh... Sorry
about my friend, uh...
He, uh...
He doesn't think too
much before he speaks.
It's okay.
It's just a strange way to
hear that you want a divorce.
I mean, we never
talked about it before.
Well... I just
thought I'd throw it in
as part of the act, you know?
Are you kidding?
Our whole marriage
has been part of the act.
I suggest we leave
the divorce stuff in.
(scoffs)
What do you think
of that? Yeah, me too.
I'll have the button sewn
on your sweater by dinner,
and I'll give it to you then.
I wanna watch you sew. No.
Yeah, me too.
I bet you stick yourself
with the needle.
Well, if I do, I'll show you
the hole in my finger later.
Tsk. Now, off you go.
Mm.
Hey, your father probably
thinks you've disowned him.
Now, see you later.
Bye. Bye.
Hi, Mom.
( melancholy theme playing)
Mom?
JULIE (thinking): Mom, the button you
sewed on my sweater came off again.
Mom, it's time to
take me to Girl Scouts.
Mom, what's for dinner?
Mom, we don't like broccoli.
Mom, why didn't
you iron my jeans?
Mom... why are you
so upset and miserable?
It's because your daddy...
is the sexiest...
most wonderful man I ever met.
And probably the best
kisser in the whole world.
Kids are great.
But it's all happening so fast.
I'm not ready for it.
I'm just too damn young
to have grown up children.
(band playing upbeat jazz music)
(people chattering)
Hi.
Hey. We were just about
to send out a search party.
We missed you at dinner.
Did you sew on my button?
I sure did. See?
Jack, I'm sorry about dinner,
but something came up.
The captain needed to see me.
Some sort of emergency
or something, and...
No problem. Better
late than never.
Oh. Well, you see, that's
why I came down to talk to you.
(sighs)
I'm not finished working yet.
Well, that's all right.
We'll be around.
Just look for the guy with
the silly grin on his face.
Okay. I'll find you.
Fine.
All right. All right.
Good evening. Good evening.
Yeah. A lot you know.
Now, there, my boys,
is a woman in love.
(in yokel voice): Golly,
professor. How can you tell?
(with German accent): Well,
she has all the symptoms.
She is, uh, testy, mean,
evasive, shifty-eyed.
And, uh, walks around
like she's going somewhere,
which we all know she ain't.
(in normal voice):
And scared to death.
(song ends, people applaud)
Hey, hey. Hey.
WOMAN: All right.
Congratulations.
Thank you, thank you.
I'll be right back,
Joanie, darling.
I'll get the champagne.
I love you, Judy.
Thanks a heap, Judy.
You didn't tell me
Gary wanted six kids.
I love kids.
You didn't tell me Ted
didn't want his wife to work.
So you'll give up
your career. I will not.
Oh. Congratulations.
(chuckles)
Oh.
I see you're wearing
different wedding bands.
Well, finally I
can tell you apart.
(chuckles)
Uh, you are, um...?
Uh, Jo... Judy.
Uh, Judy, Joanie.
Now I'll never forget.
Congratulations again.
Judy, Joanie.
5Judy, Joanie.
What are we gonna do? We
goofed. We shouldn't have switched.
I know. But what can we
do? We're married now.
Legally bound.
Bound is right.
Wait a minute.
Your husband thinks he's
married to Judy, and that's me.
And my husband thinks
he's married to Joanie,
and that's you. We can't.
All we have to do is switch
back to our regular names,
then we'll match the
marriage licenses,
and we'll each be
with the right guy.
It's illegal.
Joanie. It's like driving
60 in a 55-mile zone.
It's only illegal if
you get caught.
Okay, we'll do it.
(humming)
Hey, did you miss us? Oh, yeah.
Yes. There you go.
I finally figured out a way
to tell your wives apart.
Uh, may I see the rings?
Joanie, Judy.
COUPLES: Right.
(laughing)
Carry on.
( mellow theme playing)
(band playing slow jazz)
(band stops) (crowd applauds)
Ladies and gentlemen, we
have a very talented twosome...
I should say foursome
with us tonight.
I'm sure you already know them.
They've been entertaining
you since the cruise began.
So let's have a
very warm welcome
for Pat and Mike, the Harmons.
(band plays
triumphant introduction)
(Michael clears throat)
Good evening.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Gentlemen? I guess that's us.
That'll be the day.
(laughter)
She's starting on me again.
Well, maybe she's
only picking on you
because she loves you.
That'll be another day.
MICHAEL: Well, what
has she got against you?
FEMALE DUMMY: I've
got nothing against you.
And I've got nothing
for you either.
It doesn't matter.
This is the last time we'll
be seeing each other.
Huh?
Michael wants to get a divorce.
Isn't that right?
That's what I heard.
MALE DUMMY: Well, that doesn't
mean we can't work together, does it?
I hate to tell you this,
but we only say
what they tell us to.
No.
If they've got nothing
left to say to each other...
They've got lots to
say to each other,
but they just can't say it.
Things like..."I'm
sorry I never listened."
"I'm sorry I took
you for granted."
"I'm sorry I was more
interested in getting laughs
than I was in us."
Things like, uh, "I don't know
how I'm gonna live without you."
Oh, please.
Please can't we
give it another try?
( melancholy theme playing)
Why, Michael, you're crying.
What's the matter? You
never seen a guy cry before?
You think we got ice
water in our veins?
Sap.
Sap is right.
I'm the only sap in the crowd.
Hey, look, Patty, uh,
let's not throw away everything.
I mean... I... I still love you.
Oh, Michael.
(crowd applauding)
Nice going, kid.
We're no dummies.
(laughter, applause)
Couldn't resist, could you?
The only thing I
can't resist is you.
( mellow theme playing)
Julie?
Oh, well, hi there.
How's every little thing?
Okay, I guess. How's
every little thing with you?
Me? Terrific.
Couldn't be better.
You've been avoiding us.
Nonsense. Avoiding you?
Julie, would you like
us to tell you a story?
Sure. Okay.
Well, thank you.
Well, you see... it's
about my Aunt Kathy.
Mm-hm.
She got married to Uncle
Frank when she was 17 years old,
and had all these little babies.
Only four. They're our cousins.
Well, now she's
old. Thirty maybe.
And she lives with a rock band.
Yeah? Well, where are her kids?
They live with Uncle Frank.
Do you know why she went away
and lives with a rock band?
Why?
'Cause she never got
to be a young person.
That's what she told Daddy.
Well, anyway, I guess that's
why you're getting cold feet.
About marrying Daddy and
coming to live with us in Alaska.
Being our mother.
(sighs)
Yeah, that's me.
Old cold-feet Julie.
Oh, and listen.
You guys are great,
and I'm crazy about you.
And I'm especially mad
about your father. I...
I just wish that...
That he didn't have us.
No. No.
No.
I just don't wanna
have a whole family
all at the same time. I...
I want a gradual family.
I want...
to be a young person
for a while longer.
Ow.
I love you. Oh.
Ahem.
Gee, when a girl breaks up
with a guy's kids,
it's, uh... Oh, Jack.
It's all right.
I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.
You know, I think I'll be
glad to go back to work.
Falling in love is exhausting.
I know.
Jack... You don't
have to say a word.
I don't wanna tie anybody down,
unless that person
wants to be tied down.
Jack, you're a wonderful man,
and I care about
you a great deal.
Well, that's something
we have in common,
because I care a
great deal for you too.
You wanna go inside
and have a drink?
No.
A little dancing?
Mm-mm.
Midnight buffet?
No.
Hey. Don't tell me
you've run out of ideas.
(laughs)
( upbeat theme playing)
(boat horns blares)
Goodbye.
Boy, I'm glad you two
guys had a change of heart.
And a change of address.
At least he is. He's
moving in with us again.
Ah. Then we'll be
seeing the team
of Pat and Mike again, huh?
Oh. Not if it's a cold winter.
We'll be too busy keeping warm.
That looks like
fun. Wanna try it?
I'm game.
Timber! Whee!
I think they'd
better have children.
STUBING: Bye. Bye.
Goodbye. I hope we
see you all again soon.
But next time, under
happier circumstances.
(all laugh)
At least now I know
how to tell you apart.
Oh, that's easy.
That's Gary and that's Ted.
STUBING: I have a better idea.
Here.
Never take those off.
Now, that should do it.
Sorry, captain.
You haven't lost it, Merrill.
(hisses)
Will you get out of here?
Bye-bye. Bye.
Bye. Enjoy your lives.
Have a good honeymoon.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
( peaceful theme playing)
It was nice meeting you.
Oh, it was wonderful
meeting you.
Julie? Hm?
I... I wish you were
coming with us.
(sobbing)
Courtney, shut up.
She has a big mouth.
I was just gonna say,
if you ever get to
Alaska, look us up.
I will.
Oh, Julie, I wish you
were coming with us.
Will the real bigmouth
please stand up?
Okay.
I love you. I love you.
Bye. Bye, Julie.
I love you.
I love you. Bye-bye.
I'm gonna miss you. Bye.
(seagulls cawing)
( emotional theme playing)
Julie...
maybe we... Oh. Oh, Jack, no.
Yeah.
Well... If you ever
get to L.A. again...
maybe you could look me up.
Sure.
If you ever get up to Alaska...
You know, that's not
altogether impossible.
We have cruises,
and I could get on one of
them accidentally, and...
Maybe on purpose.
Sure.
Well, if you do... look me up?
Yeah.
(crying)
Yeah.
Bye.
( majestic theme playing)